New Salvage Descriptions

Here I am again with yet another reason why the NCSoft Development team should keep ignoring all the resumes I send them…

Steelclaw’s Invention Salvage descriptions:

Alchemical Gold: You’ve figured out how to turn lead into gold! Just keep in mind that if you get caught debasing the gold standard with this stuff the Treasury Department will be on you like a Proctologist with a microscope.

Alchemical Silver: You’ve figured out how to turn tin into silver. Not as good as the ol’ lead into gold trick, of course, then there are the annoying phone calls from a certain Woodsman who now thinks of you has his own private plastic surgeon.

Alien Blood Sample: And they thought you were silly for bringing that IV kit and plate of cookies to the Rikti Invasion.

Ancient Artifact: Not as fun as it sounds. The guy following you around in the Fedora and screaming “It belongs in a museum!” gets really tiresome after a while.

Ancient Bone: (Note: this joke is NOT for the faint of heart… you have been warned.) This particular salvage always makes you cringe. At least, ever since the tent in grandpa’s pajama bottoms.

Android Armor Plate: Wait, did you say “Android Armor”? Not Cyborg? Oh for the love of…. Am I going to have to pay another $9.99 for this costume set?

Android Blaster: Cool, Metroid memorabilia!

Android Circuitry: I put these circuits into my computer to see if I could boost its processing power. Now my computer keeps refusing to do what I ask. And who the hell is Dave?!

Black Blood of the Earth: Boy, those Environmentalists are just gonna LOVE the fact that you beat on the Earth until it bled.

Bleeding Stone: I once heard a Brit say his “stones were bleeding”; I would have thought it would appear more painful than this…

Blood of the Incarnate: As often as people run through the Recluse and Statesman task forces, it’s not surprising this stuff is only listed as “uncommon.”

Boresight: It’s amazing how different this item works depending on whether its in the hands of a sniper or a proctologist.

Brain Lichen: And you thought cracking open the skulls of all your enemies with a putty knife and a glass slide handy would never pay off.

Brass: Ah yes, the cause of the Great Pun Riot of ’06. The day Synapse picked up his salvage, stuffed it into the inert form of the smallest of clockwork and quipped “Hey, Posi, looks like I finally got my Brass in Gear, huh?”

Carnival of Shadows Mask: Hey, aren’t these things the means by which all the Carnival ladies become lust-crazed villains? Say… where did you last see that heroine who laughed when you asked her out?

Ceramic Armor Plate: Oh right, because all the best SWAT teams wear their mother’s best China when going into battle.

Chaos Theorem: Hmmm… technically, wouldn’t ANYTHING written on a piece of paper be a theory about Chaos so long as it didn’t make any sense?

Chemical Formula: Wait a second… this is just the ingredient list for Pepsi!

Chronal Skip: I wonder what this does… (skip) I wonder what this does… (skip) I wonder what th… (skip) I wonder wha…(skip)

Circuit Board: Awesome! With this board I’ll be able to build a supercomputer that will help me rule the wor… wait a second… what does this say in the corner here? Commodore 64. Aw (Expletive Forcefully Detained)!!

Clockwork Gear: Wait a sec…. How come finding this didn’t count towards my Gear Smasher badge?! What a rip off!

Clockwork Winder: Oh yes, such a useful item… especially now that 99% of watches and clocks are digital.

Commercial Cybernetic: Straight to you from Lou’s Discount Limbs and Cybernetics! Come “see” us about our buy two get one free cybernetic eye special!

Complex Chemical Formula: The regular chemical formula was the ingredient list for Pepsi… Can’t wait to see what this is… Arrrgh! Run! It’s New Coke!!

Computer Virus: Now where did I put that darned salvage? And why is my computer screen all blue?

Conspiratorial Evidence: To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your interest in becoming a Nemesis Soldier. Please fill out the following form and send it, along with your resume, to the following address…

Corrosive Gas: A coupon for free “All You Can Eat Buffet” at Sanchez’s Burrito Band Wagon.

Daemon Program: No, no… It’s not as bad as that Demon Program. This one doesn’t try to make you sell your soul. This one accesses your web cam and puts everything within sight of your computer up for sale on E-Bay.

Data Drive: Nope, sorry, it’s not filled with secret government conspiracies or villainous plans for a death ray. On the other hand, 50 gigabytes of pron is nothing to sneeze at.

Deific Weapon: Unfortunately you weren’t lucky enough to find Thor’s Hammer or the Scythe of Thanatos. But the brass knuckles of Murray, demi-god of the East Bronx, isn’t TOO bad is it?

Demonic Blood Sample: Good for magical conjurations, summoning of Pit Fiends, or, in a pinch, a killer buzz that lasts a week.

Demonic Threat Report: To Whom It May Concern: Demons are dangerous. Thank you.

Destiny: You shall rise in power through adventures untold to the lofty level of 25. At this point the Development team will introduce a new shiny and your attention-span-of-a-goldfish Player will shelve you for the remainder of your days.

Diamond: Hero work is expensive and the pay sucks. Now you need to decide, create that new Set Enhancement… or pawn this sucker and eat for another month.

Empowered Sigil: This powerful rune has many uses: paper weight, night light, door stop, ash tray, why the list goes on and on!

Enchanted Impervium: Okay, what sick sunnuva blaster enchanted this thing to vibrate at three different speeds while playing “The Sound of Music”?!

Energy Weapon: Want some real fun? Don’t sell this or make a recipe with it; instead find a sci-fi convention and announce that this will go to the person who can definitively prove which is better… Star Trek or Star Wars. Be sure to bring your camcorder.

Enriched Plutonium: How come the second you got this your cell phone rang with a text written in what looked like Arabic?

Ensorcelled Weapon: You’ve heard of the Singing Sword? Well, this is similar, except it was enchanted by an Emo-Mancer. Instead of singing, it reads bad teenage angst poetry while you’re fighting with it.

Essence of the Furies: You thought you’d get the powers of Statesman or Lord Recluse by drinking this. You obviously missed the extra “R” when reading the label. Now you’re covered with fur and wondering just exactly what the primary ingredient in “Essence of the Furries” is and why is it leaving such a nasty after-taste in your mouth.

Fortune: “There is a throne of purest porcelain in your immediate future! Thank you for eating at Wong Cho’s Chinese Eatery and Animal Euthanasia Clinic…”

Gold: Beat up gang members…. Take their bling… Melt it Down…. Profit!

Hamidon Goo: (Attention: If you do not get the following joke I am NOT going to explain to you.) Huh, looks like Hamidon’s Fluffer went into business for herself.

Heads Up Display: Hang this sign on low beams, pipes or doorways.

Heavy Water: In my day we just called it Moonshine.

Holographic Memory: Wow, a 3-dimensional data storage device! And you thought the pron in the Data Drive was awesome!

Human Blood Sample: You beat the tar and feathers out of gang members on a daily basis. You’d think this stuff would drop more often than it does.

Hydraulic Piston: Now’s your chance to make that Thousand Fingers Bed at the motel REALLY rock!

Impervium: You’re not sure this stuff is legitimate Impervium; it came with a warranty.

Improvised Cybernetic: This is what you get when MacGuyver is stuck in a broom closet and needs to make a bionic arm.

Inanimate Carbon Rod: Good thing too. You had to put a restraining order on the Animate Carbon Rod after the “hide the sausage” incident.

Inert Gas: This is when you get away with a one-cheek-sneak and no one notices.

Iron: Remember! A neatly pressed super-suit gives an aura of confidence that says “Yes, I can save the day and look good doing it!”

Kinetic Weapon: While it doesn’t do that much damage the Kinetic Weapon still out-performs the Potential Weapon which just sits there on the shelf doing nothing.

Lament Box: Otherwise known as the Emo’s Hope Chest.

Living Tattoo: Warning: The Living Tattoo is capable of moving up to twelve inches in any direction from its original “tether” point. We STRONGLY recommend careful consideration before choosing where on your body to place it. This warning is given in memory of the hero BackBlast and his untimely death following his “clogging” incident.

Luck Charm: Blue Diamonds, Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons and many more. You really hit it big when you captured that smarmy little Irish dude.

Magical Conspiracy: That whole saw-the-woman-in-half thing? Fake.

Masterwork Weapon: Made in Taiwan.

Mathematic Proof: So, after 44 pages of mathematical gibberish you’ve finally PROVEN that 1+1=2. Congratulations.

Military Cybernetic: Hmmm… Perhaps this is why Steve Austin has been walking with a limp lately?

Mu Vestment: OOooh! Bondage wear!

Mutant Blood Sample: Get Rich Quick Scheme #427-b: Roll a Mutant origin /regeneration Scrapper and make this stuff by the truckload!

Mutant DNA Strand: This was actually Get Rich Quick Scheme #427-a, but apparently what qualifies as DNA evidence in court doesn’t count as a DNA Strand on the market. I barely made my overhead costs back selling it all to the Sperm Bank.

Mutating Genome: This Genome is undergoing constant mutation. Quick! Sell it before it mutates into a virulent disease!

Nevermelting Ice: Yeah, I know this is a magical, powerful item that should be studied or sold, but, dang it, I HATE warm beer!

Page from the Malleus Mundi: It’s just another Malleus Mundi… ooh oh oh… Wish it was Sunday… ‘cause that’s my fun day… just another Malleus Mundi…

Pangeon Soil: Fertile soil from the time before time. Oh goody… not just dirt… but OLD dirt.

Photonic Weapon: Okay, now say it with me… Photonic and Photo are not the same thing. Good, now that we have that straight let’s try to put that whole “Family Reunion Photo” thing behind us.

Plague Spores: Let me guess, you picked this up with your bare hands before reading the label… Great.

Plasma Capacitor: A storage device for superheated plasma. Or, if you don’t have any plasma, a great pressure cooker for making 5-star chilly!

Platinum: Yes, it’s made out of plastic and has Visa stamped on it… but it’s platinum… trust me.

Pneumatic Piston: A gas based piston. Funny how it is shaped like that and just the right size to shove up your…. You know what? This joke is too bad for even ME to write down.

Polycarbon: The Inanimate Carbon Rod after its sex-change operation.

Positronic Matrix: A learning computer that can adapt to any given situation but STILL can’t filter the spam out of its own email with 100% effectiveness.

Primordial Moss: This spongy organic material is commonly found growing on Devouring Earth creatures who have finally reached or surpassed puberty. … … think about it.

Progenitor Lichen: The Lichen gives the impression of being far more evolved, possibly closer to the Hamidon in origin. Despite that, killing it will NOT give you special origin enhancements.

Prophecy: “You are the Chosen One, (Your Name)! You must face the (adjective) (noun) of (place) in combat! Before doing so you must (verb) the (thing) in the caves of (adjective) (noun)! This is a Prophecy of dire warning! It is NOT a Mad Lib! We swear!”

Psionic Ectoplasm: This is what happens when psychics make love on the astral plane.

Psionic Manifestation: What a MALE psychic gets while making love on the astral plane.

Psionic Threat Report: Always use protection while on the astral plane.

Psionically Charged Brass: Sometimes, responsible adult psychic couples will use objects or “toys” to add excitement to the astral plane.

Reactive Gas: If ever you’ve had gas that people talked about for months later… then YOU have had Reactive Gas.

Regenerating Flesh: This piece of flesh seems to be growing into… something. Yeah, with Miss Deans as my teacher, I had Regenerating Flesh almost every day during Freshman English in high school.

Rikti Alloy: And they laughed at you for harvesting all those fillings from Rikti teeth during the last invasion.

Ruby: Maybe when that girl told you to “Kiss her on her ruby-redness” this is what she meant?

Rune: A symbol of magical writing. See Also: Arcane Graffiti.

Runebound Armor: An armor plate empowered with runes. Or… gang color wardrobe from the Dark Ages.

Sapphire: Ignore the “cubic zirconium” written on the bottom.

Scientific Law: The Law of Gravity USED to be on this list until the first hero made 6th level and discovered Hover in the Flight power pool.

Scientific Theory: “Until one day I’ll be come a LAAAAAWWW… oh how I hope and pray til I’m dreary but today I am still just a theory!”

Scope: Because, seriously dude… your breath is kickin’.

Silver: Precious metal or a handy-dandy travel power for a guy wearing a mask?

Simple Chemical: Oh, quit your complaining. Water is a VERY simple chemical.

Soul Trapped Gem: The perfect thing on a ring to get that special lady who really does have everything.

Soulbound Armor: A piece of armor with an unwilling soul bound into it. Oh yeah, because what every warrior wants is a suit of armor that doesn’t WANT to protect them.

Source Code: I don’t care whether you have this salvage or not! Reading the PIGG files is STILL going to get you booted!

Spell Ink: Inks used in the transcribing of powerful magic spells. Please be warned: Doodling in the margins with this ink during Magic Class can lead to unforeseen problems. There is nothing worse than your teacher finding out you drew naughty pictures of her because the picture in question announced it during class.

Spell Scroll: Magic Missile? Aw man! I mean seriously, how many of these friggin’ things do you think I need?!

Spirit Thorn: Pull this from the spirit paw of the spirit lion and have a spirit friend for life!

Spiritual Essence: Remember the pottery scene from Ghost? This stuff was ALL over the floor.

Stabilized Mutant Genome: The Genome from a Mutant with a really boring and useless power set…. Like “sweats lemonade” or “mentally controls gerbils”…

Steel: Yeah, I used to know a guy made of this stuff… but he got generic’d.

Strand of Fate: One of the strands of fate that determine the destiny of everyone on the planet. So go find the person THIS strand belongs to… then it’s all like “DANCE PUPPET!! DANCE!!”

Symbiotic Armor: It’s black and has a large white spider design on the front of it. But I’m sure it’s completely safe.

Symbol: That’s right… now YOU TOO can be known as the “Hero formerly known as (insert name here)!”

Synthetic Intelligence Unit: A self-aware artificial intelligence. The real kicker is it has more friends on its Facebook page than you do.

Temporal Analyzer: It’s a watch people. It’s just a watch.

Temporal Sands: Like the sands of an hourglass… these are the days of our lives.

Temporal Tracer: Another watch, but this one has a Stop Watch feature and Indiglo!

Thorn Tree Vine: Yeah, someone sent you a rose with the actual bloom snipped off of it. You go ahead and convince yourself its valuable “salvage.”

Titanium Shard: Ever since that space shuttle crashed, this stuff seems to be a lot more common.

Undamaged Android Brain: Oh thank goodness… There’s nothing more annoying than a brain damaged android… That last one just kept coughing up milk and complaining about his ex-girlfriend “Ripley.”

Unearthed Relic: A magical self-emptying ancient chamber pot. Some things probably should have remained UN-unearthed.

Unquenchable Flame: Finally! Now you can put this in the same room with Nevermelting Ice and let ‘em duke it out!

Volume of the Obsidian Librum: Obsidian Librum… Black Book…. That’s right. Now you are the proud owner of one of the many volumes of the greek god Eros’s Little Black Book! Don’t be too shocked if your name is already in there.

They need to put you on their payroll. I'd love to see this in game

Nicely done! Very funny.

LOL@ demonic threat report

anybody else want to know more about the great pun riot of '06?

It's good to know I'm not the only one who calls it "Essence of the Furries" and claims it's fermented from crushed catgirls.

wow, just fantastic!

Pure Genius

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zwillinger GG, I would tell you that "I am killing you with my mind", but I couldn't find an emoticon to properly express my sentiment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captain_Photon NOTE: The Incarnate System is basically farming for IOs on a larger scale, and with more obtrusive lore.

Demonic threat report was great. XD

Nice work.

I was so proud of myself for sensibly putting down my drink before reading this post... and then promptly laughed so hard I banged my knee into my desk and nearly knocked the bottle over anyway.

Michelle
aka
Samuraiko/Dark_Respite

I was surprised at how extensive this list is. Good job.

What, no monkey or midget jokes? And you call yourself a man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steelclaw Chronal Skip: I wonder what this does (skip) I wonder what this does (skip) I wonder what th (skip) I wonder wha (skip).

Absolutely CLASSIC!!!

Great.

Now do base salvage.

Amazing!

>.>

brb astral plane

Absolutely hilarious Steelclaw!

Now i'll probably remember salvage by this list

Steelclaw = Awesome

That is all.

Click for Hot Sun Splitter Action

I can no longer listen to "Manic Monday" without hearing the words "Malleus Mundi." That's the second song I've had ruined by the internet.