Top Ten Future Enemy Revamps to Get Angry About

10. The Vahzilok. They will be re-imagined as a sort of "Ghoul Scout Troop", with many more female members who are much younger and dress in brown schoolgirl outfits, and stand on street corners with their reanimated zombies forcing people to buy varioous confections such as Peanut Butter Fingers, Sticherdoodles, and the ever-popular Thin Skin Mints. Doctor Vahz finds that ruling a cookie empire is far more lucrative than poisoning water supplies or blowing up dams.

9. The Trolls. In an attempt to change their image and move up-market, trolls will begin wearing hospital scrubs and science lab coats and will claim to be not drug addicts, but pharmaceutical experts. "Me physic... me pharmaci... me doctor! Me prescribe Superdine. It miracle drug, solve all your problem! Give you green, healthy glow! That be $500.00 consultation fee. Next!"

8. Legacy Chain. On the theory that you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar, the Legacy Chain reimagine themselves as kindler. gentler magic users. Much emphasis will be placed on understanding the motives of others and crystal therapy, and getting in touch with yourself. Look for brighter-colored robes with more flower designs, and a more cooperative attitude towards others. "Can't we just all get along?"

7. The Outcasts. For no readily apparent reason, the Outcasts will be reworked as a gang with a mostly South American background. They will have generic Hispanic accents, all of them will wear black shirts, and there will be a bunch of new Beast Masters among them and some will turn into panthers because hey, that sounds cool.

6. The Freakshow. Many of the Freakshow will become lawyers. They will still have all their cyber attachments and weird hair, but will also sport fancy three-peice suits and briefcases (albeit, often held in curved sword-hands). Special new "Land Shark" lawyer class includes the "Great White" Juicer Freak who sports a giant bladed fin on his back and can file restraining order holds against you, and also the "Hammer Head" Freak who, quite literally, has a giant mallet for a head.

5. Warriors. After discovering new-found power in psychadelic rock from the 60's, David Odysseus changes his name to David Starchild and updates the look and attitude of his entire gang to that of San Francisco hippies of the 1960's. The new "Warriors of Peace" wear tie-died scarves around their heads and sport peace signs and practice transcendental meditation and getting stoned on the central hill in Talos Island, where they blare music by the likes of Jefferson Airplane and Strawberry Alarm Clock.

4. The Clockwork. The Clockwork King, in an attempt to move with the times and stay hip and appeal to the love of his life (Penelope Yin), becomes a big fan of modern electronic dance music. Rusty metal is out, shiny chrome and flashy lights are in! Everywhere you look you'll find tiny clockwork raves, with bright-metal dancing clockwork and multi-colored flashing lights. For no discernable reason, a lot of them will sport rainbow-colored afro wigs.

3. The Scrapyarders. Their new look will be less dirty and rumpled, with a lot of mohawks (for no very good reason). Nearly 60% of them will now be women a la Rosie the Riveter. Some of them will be Beast Masters too, because hey, why not?

2. The Carnival of Shadows. They'll get updated looks that are even neater than the Carnival of Light, and include pieces that are portable to players. Except for the men, who are not changed at all. Also, there will be new dancing pet monkeys and organ grinders, which will result in a dancing pet monkey vanity pet and organ grinder emote that you can get in the next super pack (chances of getting either: 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000).

1. Nemesis. There is no Nemesis revamp. Really. You only think there is.

I realize this is a parody of both the Skulls changes and the reaction to the Skulls changes (with a bit of CoT thrown in), but I've gotta say.

I want the Clockwork Ravers.

I'm surprised you didn't go down the doll route with the Trolls.

Great idea for a list! I applaud your creativity while chewing on my spleen that I didn't think of it first... ah well... better late than never...

* Vahzilok - Even with 2nd rate medical equipment the costs of maintaining an army of quasi-dead soon outstrip what robbing the Atlas Park bank over and over again can cover. Introducing Uncle V's hot dog and sausage carts! These mystery meat wagons appear all over Paragon City, tended by the new female boss enemies the Wiener Wenches. The city's populace, thinking the V stands for Vinnie, embrace this new franchise. They even win some taste tests against "normal" hot dogs.

* The Trolls - After a particularly dim member does some investigation into Trolls through out history, the green team begin to supplement their Superadine racket by taking over every bridge in Skyway City. These new Troll Bridges charge influence/money for use. Any hero running or jumping on them is sure to be attacked. In addition, the Trolls will be introducing female members into the general population.... dressed scantily and called Trollops.

* Legacy Chain - In an effort to be more widely accepted and thus gain a larger recruitment pool, the Legacy Chain will begin to adopt more modern Wizarding models. All will now carry wands and adopt English accents. They will wear long scarves of four different color combinations and cast their spells with loud cries of "Wingardium Leviosa" or "Expecto Patronus!" Their leader will be branded with an oddly shaped scar. When a Villain invades their bases in the Rogue Isles... they will refuse to mention him by name.

* The Outcasts - will be disbanded.

* The Freakshow - After years and years of begging the Devs; the Freakshow will be granted access to Player Character costume items. Expect to see sleeker, more streamlined mechanical limbs and parts. Of course, being Freakshow, they can't agree on anything... The Devs will punish this lack of cohesion by making the game more "realistic" for them. Old style Freaks will be seen stuck to walls by the spikes when knocked back... crying over the puppy they just tried to pet with their hammer hands... or trembling in terrified anticipation with their massive scythe hands just outside the men's room door.

* Warriors - Digging deeper into their LARPer roots, the Warriors will really begin to buy into the whole Greek History thing. They will begin re-telling the stories of their heroes; Achilles, Paris, Odysseus and the rest in public. Civilians passing by will be greatly impressed by this new Theater-in-the-Round Production Company and the rest will be history...

* Clockwork - The Clockwork King will be consumed with worry about how long his brain will be preserved in its jar. He will turn his attention to a well-known Cryogenics Lab, directing his minions to enter and steal as much technology and information as possible. While inside the Lab some heroes arrive and, in the confusion, his brain will accidentally be swapped with one already in storage. So is born The Clockwork Disney. Soon after the Clockwork undergo a strange... and decidedly cute... appearance change. Walt Disney Paragon is soon in the planning stages.

* The Scrapyarders - In this economy? Laid off.

* The Carnival of Shadows - I can't tell you what I had in mind for this one since it will most certainly violate the Teen Rating. Let's just say that the CoS "life-style" will come back to haunt them... half of them will be "in a family way" and the other half will resemble those pictures your old Health Teacher showed you to scare you away from nooky before marriage.

* Nemesis - In reaction to having his likeness routinely destroyed in "Fake Nemesis Hunts" all through out Peregrine Island, Lord Nemesis will introduce new automatons to confound heroes. Some examples include Faux Nemesis, Fakir Nemesis, Flake Nemesis, Sorta-Kinda Nemesis, Knock-Off Nemesis and the ever popular Store-Brand Nemesis.

Ah, my secret plan to get Steelclaw to make a better list than I could think up is now complete!

10. Vahzilok - An incarnate Dr. Vahzilok joins the Freedom Phalanx and replaces Blue Steel as the trainer in Kings Row. The new Dr. Vahzilok looks nothing like the old one, and is an empathic healer.

9. Trolls - Due to a change in the Superadine formula, the Trolls become small and blue with white pajama pants and floppy caps.

8. Legacy Chain - Due to a coding accident, the Chain gets added to the Circle. No one notices.

7. Outcasts - In a graphical update, the Outcasts are given sweater vests, plaid pants, and a pipe smoking animation that players clamor for but never receive.

6. Freakshow - In a graphical update, the Tank Busters receive relief ports at their nether regions. Consequently, the Tank Busters are greatly relieved.

5. Warriors - This group is resoundingly defeated in street encounters by a gang that wears baseball uniforms.

4. Clockwork - In a new tutorial arc, the Clockwork King is revealed to be Penny Yin.

3. Scrapyarders - Overtaken by the Lost, they become mutant dynamite and rock throwers, only to become cured of their "Lost-ness" by a fairy wand and returned to their normal state, which in a surprise twist turns out to be ... Slag Golems.

2. Carnival of Shadows - With so many groups gaining female members, the decision is made to make the Carnival all-male. New ranks include Mimes, Clowns, and the pretzel-like Contortionists.

1. Nemesis - When female recruits are added to his ranks, discipline breaks down. No longer interested in fighting heroes, the Dragoons and Hussies canoodle in corners, and the Jaegers and Warhulks explode with frustration.

I'd say we have about a one in four chance of actually seeing the Trollops for real some day. Which would be awesome for the name alone.

Im okay with all of them except the unnecessary additions of female members but whatever.

I would like to say, if they were to do a "Mean Streets of Greenwhich" style update for the Outcasts, I would love it.

It would add something to differentiate the Outcasts from the other street gangs.