Memo to all Syndicate members:

It has come to the attention of the reconnaissance team 37-D that in the Hamidon wars, many of the hostile swarms utilized by the Hamidon and Devouring Earth are indeed extant and possibly hazardous to Syndicate properties. The assessment of the upsurge in swarm activity can only be surmised as a hostile event.

Memo to all:

Policy: 72.69-16b; paragraph 142.79y zed.2, is no longer being enforced. From now on those wearing yellow galoshes on rainy days will no longer be shot on sight, nor brought to security for "questioning".

Red Galoshes are still prohibited.

I wish they'd mentioned all this during basic training.

Memo to all: There was a typo in yesterday's memo.

Policy: 72.69-16b; paragraph 142.79y zed.2, is still being enforced. However Policy: 72.69-16b; paragraph 142.79y zed.3 is no longer being enforced.From now on those wearing red galoshes on rainy days will no longer be shot on sight, nor brought to security for "questioning". Medical care for those effected by this will still not be covered per clause 67.123564-b in everyone's employment agreement.

We'd like to apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused during yesterday's stormy weather, but that's prohibited by current HR policy.

Yellow Galoshes are still prohibited.

Team 1138 on patrol has reported an increase in unusual odors coming from the nearby sewer access tunnels. (Yes, we've all heard the joke about something rotten in Praetoria.) Is Waste Management aware of the problem?

The last person who reported back from there mentioned not only apparent partygoers who when approached appeared to go into violent conniptions, but an abundance of unusually clad and unauthorised individuals (see unescorted individual report, page 1) who I'm assuming isn't Waste Management having another 'wear your party clothes to work' day.

*hits Reply All*

Please remove my name from this mailing list!

From: Operational Security Team 42
To: Facilities & Maintenance

Due to recent policy updates, and a few "displaced" security personnel, we have
increased our vigilance with regard to unauthorized wildlife, glowing or actively
burning visitors, person or persons exuding noxious vapors, and have also briefed
the team regarding possible actions to take towards potential visitors encased in ice.

As a result of this increased awareness, it has come to our attention that many
of the automatic doors within our facility appear to be opening and closing
intermittently at seemingly random intervals.

Closer investigation has not detected any intrusions by any of the above-mentioned
unauthorized visitors, or tampering of any kind.

As you can imagine, repeatedly checking these doors is a time-intensive and
counter-productive use of team member's duty time.

We are formally requesting maintenance personnel to verify and certify the
functioning of all automatic doors within the facility as the frequent openings
and closings are distracting the security team from performing their designated
patrols with appropriate levels of efficiency.


Regards,
Team Lead,
OpSec Team 42

From: Operations
To: Syndicate All
Subject: FW: Tread marks on the carpet, etc.

Our janitorial staff has complained that several carpets have been ruined on the 1st, 2nd, and 32nd floors of the Yin Corp Building. They would ask that all Syndicate members keep their motorcycles parked in the sub-basement garage along with all other vehicles regardless of make or model and whether they can fit in the elevators (cargo or personnel).

In addition, a number of nylon ropes (assumed to be repelling gear) have been found dangling from gaps in the ceiling tiles. This has required the use of the fairly limited numbers of maintenance ladders available to the janitorial staff. I don't think I have to remind you all that repelling gear is prohibited within facilities and should only be used during exercises on the exterior of structures, as is outlined in 15d.099-rg07 Section 1 of the employee handbook. Section 4 of the same chapter covers the proper use of parachutes as well, which have been discovered jammed into air ducts and bathroom stalls.

On a more urgent note, several janitorial staff have complained of minor injuries suffered by slipping on spent bullet casings which have been left in major thoroughfares throughout a number of our facilities. Please refer to Section 12c.138-fc11 Sections 3 through 7 on proper use of firearms and cleanup in the Syndicate employee handbook.

A training seminar is scheduled to review this subject later this month, please keep an eye on your inbox for the invitation. Attendance is mandatory for all personnel.

Sincerely,
- Operations

----------------------------------------------------------
From: Janitorial Services
To: Operations
Subject: Tread marks on the carpet, etc.

The following complaints have been raised by my personnel.

Yin Corp building
· Carpets on 1st, 2nd, and 32nd floor ruined by what appears to be motorcycle tire treads and motor oil.
Facilities 17, 22, 112, Hidoake Building, Samson Court, 5515 Broadway Center
· Nylon rope has been found hanging from gaps in ceiling tiles on almost every floor of these buildings.
· 118 parachutes have been recovered from ventilation ducts, bathroom stalls, and utility closets.
· Spent bullet casings on linoleum, tile, and carpeted floors have resulted in falling injuries of 3 workers.

Under our contract these incidents fall well outside of our agreed upon services. We will need to renegotiate our terms of service.

Thank you,
M.T. Parker and Associates Janitorial Services

this thread is a delight.

To: Operations.
From: Guard station site 22A.
Subject: Leprechauns in the airducts

I'm not sure if this is some kind of prank by other people but it's clearly stated in Section 342 of the Employees handbook that mythical or legendary creatures are not to be brought into the workplace and now because someone brought one in we're infested with what I can only describe as Leprechauns.

I'm hereby putting in a request for a heavy duty flamethrower team to clean them out, we'll provide the clean-up crew and if properly cooked, will suggest serving them in the mess hall.

I'm reporting to you that a new initiative is starting up; it's called Jabberwocky.

I'm assured that you know what it is, Jabberwocky will increase productivity and propaganda for the Syndicate by 5 folds if not more so please remember that all information regarding Jabberwocky is confidential and must remain in the "Basket" facility.

To: Guard station site 22A.
From: Operations.
Subject: RE: Leprechauns in the airducts

While we have room in the munitions budget to pruchase flamethrowers, please remember the follow MUST be completed before they can be purchased and issued :

• Certified completition of the "Flamethrowers and You : Modern Day Gardening" course. Available at CDEC.
• A course in Mythological Creatures : Identification, Handling, and Proper Care thereof. Available at CDEC.
• Form 88B : Justification of Expenditure over Reorganization of Position and Duties

To: HR
CC: Manager, Operations

Sir

In response to my contract termination following the burglary 4-1-12, I respectfully request you reconsider, taking into account the following mitigating circumstances.

As per my terms of employment, I am scheduled for the day shift. At no point in the last six years of my time here have I ever worked past 4.30pm. This has never been considered to be an issue.

What can I say? It got dark. It gets dark, I shouldn't be at work. No I didn't at the time notice the guy with the big dogs and bees. It was, as I have already stated, dark. I would have checked my watch but... well... sorry couldn't see.

It may well be that as Mr Huggins from Facilities has claimed "it gets darker in Praetoria these days" but in that case surely the fault lies with Facilities for not improving the lighting when such occurrences happen.

At no point have I ever received a memo advising me to "expect premature dusk" or requesting that I work late. Had I done so I would have been happy to oblige (providing the bees and the fires were dealt with) but no such request was forthcoming

"You got to dig it to dig it, you dig?"
Thelonious Monk

Man, oh man am I getting ideas for Paranoia games. And I think Rajani Isa has already gone down that line...

[ ProTip: The banner is a link to art refs!! | The Khellection | The HBAS Repository | Brute Guides (4/16/10) | How To Post An Image - A Quick Guide ]
Biggest Troll on the forums? I'll give you a hint:

From: Legal
To: Operations
Cc: Internal Audit, Requisitions, Site Managers
Subject: Re: RE: Leprechauns in the airducts

Please notify anyone submitting Form 88B requests that flamethrowers are only authorized for use within the enclosed premises of Syndicate operations centers. The EIS studying the environmental impact of flamethrower use to dispell mythical entities in open environments has not yet been completed.

Sue D'Bass-Tyrd, esq.
Legal Department

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rajani Isa To: Guard station site 22A. From: Operations. Subject: RE: Leprechauns in the airducts While we have room in the munitions budget to pruchase flamethrowers, please remember the follow MUST be completed before they can be purchased and issued : Certified completition of the "Flamethrowers and You : Modern Day Gardening" course. Available at CDEC. A course in Mythological Creatures : Identification, Handling, and Proper Care thereof. Available at CDEC. Form 88B : Justification of Expenditure over Reorganization of Position and Duties Also, we need approval from Building Services and Maintenance. Some note about them almost unionizing the last time flamethrowers were approved for internal use. All forms must be filled in triplicate, and forms for reimbursement of courses at CDEC must be filed within one week of acceptance. One filing per class per year accepted. Reimbursement dependent on successful competition of class. Death benefits are not applicable while attending CDEC, even when classes being attended for work related reasons. -Operations Manager Ben U. Reaucracy

Memo to all:

Because of "upper management changes", Policy: 72.69-16b; paragraph 142.79y zed.3 will once again be enforced. Only Black shoes on the approved list should be worn.

Memorial services for Sword Master Burgundy will be on Monday. Attendance is frowned upon.

To: Human Resources
CC: Facilities
Subject: Bring your child to work day Apr 26

Dear human resources,

I am inquiring about the national bring your child to work day on thursday april 26th 2012. As a syndicate employee it is known that we are required to equip ourselves with protective body armor and self defensive firearms. Will human resources be providing body armor and/or firearms for my children that will be visiting the facilities. Since the divorce my four sons have been inquiring about what I do for a living that requires me to wear such fashionable clothes.

I have not received any notification about any upcoming events for the national bring your child to work day and i would like to propose some activies and/or program guide for the many excitied children that will be visiting our beautiful facility. This is just a guide of optional activities.(Bad language in link) I know our facility might be a little different but im hoping this can point you in the right direction.