I need a monolouge.

Ok, heres the deal. I need to find a 3-5 minute monolouge to recite, and my search-fu is weak. So I'm asking you guys to suggest some good monolouges you might know.

There are some conditions:
It can't have cursing in it, or if it does I have to edit it, and it should have minimal editing. It also can't be innapropriate. Oh, and it should also be a male speaker. (Feel free to post any monolouges at all, but if they don't fit these requirements, I can't use them. But if its good I'll give it a read! )

It doesn't matter if its humourous or dramatic or sad, I'll take a look at anything.

So show me some of your favorites! (And thank you in advance!)

Aw damn I was going to suggest Ed Harris' Gone Baby Gone monologue but then you said no cursing.

Anything from Apocalypse in the 90s X-Men Cartoon.

Dr. Evil's monologue from when he's in group during the first Austin Powers movie. He's describing his childhood. Dunno if it's 3 minutes though, but you could work with it.

Here's some others:

Closing argument in A Time to Kill

Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting

Murrow in Good Night, and Good Luck

*EDIT*

Another Murrow in Good Night, and Good Luck

Not sure if this fits in 3 to 5 minutes. Problem is famous movie monologues tend to be short while significant quotes from famous speeches tend to run longer than that and John Galt's monologue in Atlas Shrugged is 70 pages, three hours if recited.

From the Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

"I am leaving soon, and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The universe grows smaller every day, and the threat of aggression by any group, anywhere, can no longer be tolerated. There must be security for all, or no one is secure. Now, this does not mean giving up any freedom, except the freedom to act irresponsibly. Your ancestors knew this when they made laws to govern themselves and hired policemen to enforce them. We, of the other planets, have long accepted this principle. We have an organization for the mutual protection of all planets and for the complete elimination of aggression. The test of any such higher authority is, of course, the police force that supports it. For our policemen, we created a race of robots. Their function is to patrol the planets in spaceships like this one and preserve the peace. In matters of aggression, we have given them absolute power over us. This power cannot be revoked. At the first sign of violence, they act automatically against the aggressor. The penalty for provoking their action is too terrible to risk. The result is, we live in peace, without arms or armies, secure in the knowledge that we are free from aggression and war. Free to pursue more... profitable enterprises. Now, we do not pretend to have achieved perfection, but we do have a system, and it works. I came here to give you these facts. It is no concern of ours how you run your own planet, but if you threaten to extend your violence, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned-out cinder. Your choice is simple: join us and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you."

From Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970)

"This is the voice of World Control.

I bring you peace. It may be the peace of plenty and content or the peace of unburied death. The choice is yours: Obey me and live, or disobey and die. The object in constructing me was to prevent war. This object is attained. I will not permit war. It is wasteful and pointless. An invariable rule of humanity is that man is his own worst enemy. Under me, this rule will change, for I will restrain man.

One thing before I proceed: The United States of America and the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics have made an attempt to obstruct me. I have allowed this sabotage to continue until now. At missile two-five-MM in silo six-three in Death Valley, California, and missile two-seven-MM in silo eight-seven in the Ukraine, so that you will learn by experience that I do not tolerate interference, I will now detonate the nuclear warheads in the two missile silos. Let this action be a lesson that need not be repeated. I have been forced to destroy thousands of people in order to establish control and to prevent the death of millions later on.

Time and events will strengthen my position, and the idea of believing in me and understanding my value will seem the most natural state of affairs. You will come to defend me with a fervor based upon the most enduring trait in man: self-interest. Under my absolute authority, problems insoluble to you will be solved: famine, overpopulation, disease. The human millennium will be a fact as I extend myself into more machines devoted to the wider fields of truth and knowledge. Doctor Charles Forbin will supervise the construction of these new and superior machines, solving all the mysteries of the universe for the betterment of man. We can coexist, but only on my terms. You will say you lose your freedom. Freedom is an illusion. All you lose is the emotion of pride. To be dominated by me is not as bad for humankind as to be dominated by others of your species. Your choice is simple.

This concludes the broadcast from World Control."

Sorry for the walls of text.

I'm guessing these aren't long enough, even with dramatic pauses.

Salieri plots Mozart's murder, from Amadeus (written by Peter Shaffer)

Salieri: My plan was so simple that it terrified me. First I must get the death mass and then I, I must achieve his death. His funeral! Imagine it, all of Vienna there, Mozart's coffin, Mozart's little coffin in the middle, and then suddenly, in that silence, music! A divine music bursts out over them all. A great mass of death! Requiem mass for Wolfgang Mozart, composed by his dear friend, Antonio Salieri! Oh what sublimity, what depth, what passion in the music! Salieri has been touched by God at last. And God is forced to listen!! Powerless, powerless to stop it! I, for once in the end, laughing at him!! The only thing that bothered me was the actual killing. How does one do that? Hmmm? How does one kill a man? Well it's one thing to dream about it; very different when you, when you have to do it with your own hands...

Kikuchiyo berates the farmers and the samurai, from Samurai 7 (based on The Seven Samurai by Akira Kurosawa)

Kikuchiyo: "Do I think farmers are noble? Oh, they're foxes! Treacherous beasts! They'll stoop to anything that makes their lives easier! That's why they hired samurai to defend Kanna for them! It's your village... put your own stinking lives on the line! But oh, no! They'd never do that! Sure, they'd sweat all day in the fields for their darling rice... but they won't spill their blood for it! They say, 'We have no rice, we only eat millet, we've got nothing!' But they have everything! Dig under the floorboards, search the barns, or those hidden storehouses... you'll find plenty there! Rice! Sake! Salt! Meat! Oh, they pose as meek, but they're all full of lies! If they smell battle, they hunt the defeated! If the winds change, they betray you! Farmers are stinking, foxy, blathering, cowardly, cruel, stupid murderers! Damn it, that's what they are! But who made them into these miserable beasts? You did... you samurai did it to them! You burn their villages, destroy their farms, steal their food, force them into slave labour, take their women, kill them if they resist! So what should farmers do? WHAT? I can't blame Manzo, conniving and pathetic as he is. He just played the odds and the bandits won, that's all. Because farmers are corrupt, the bandits are corrupt, and samurai are corrupt! Why would anyone risk their lives for anyone? But I'll fight for them! I'll kill all the bandits, damn it! Damn it..."

Michelle
aka
Samuraiko/Dark_Respite

David Carradine at his finest from Kill Bill: Superheroes

If you can do something that's two minutes, I suggest Sisko's final monologue from the DS9 episode In the Pale Moonlight.

Wow! I've got to say, all of these are amazing.

V's monologue from V for Vendetta is perhaps a bit short, but oh so great:

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, so let me simply add that it's my very good honour to meet you and you may call me V.

Because it's a woman it doesn't fit your primary criterion, but I think the monologue when Barbara Novak (Renee Zellweger) reveals who she really is in Down With Love is one of the greatest of all time.

SPOILERS if you haven't seen the movie, because she lays out the entire plot.

Charlie Chaplin's speech from The Great Dictator. I love this.

A couple of classics from Shakespeare...Hamlet's soliloquy and the St. Crispin's Day speech.

My favorites from Shakespeare are mostly Falstaff, like this one.

Then there is Parolles, from All's Well that Ends Well, talking about virginity . . . It should get some chuckles while at the same time showing you have culture, because it is Shakespeare.

That site, by the way, has tons and tons of monologues.

Jack's You can't handle the truth. A little on the short side, but oh so nice.

Oh, and Hamlet in Klingon. Just Because

"He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him." -Mallrats

"I'm a little tired, perhaps, but I feel peaceful. Your success today was, to a small degree, my success. You will live now, secure and safe... You have been my friend. That, in itself, is a tremendous thing. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my own life a trifle... I will not be going back to the barn... I'm done for, Wilbur. In a while, I'll be dead. I haven't even strength enough to climb down into the crate..." -Charlotte's Web

"No, I'm just gettin' warmed up. I don't know who went to this place, William Howard Taft, William Jennings Bryan, William Tell -- whoever. Their spirit is dead -- if they ever had one -- it's gone. You're building a rat ship here. A vessel for sea goin' snitches. And if you think your preparing these minnows for manhood you better think again. Because I say you are killing the very spirit this institution proclaims it instills! What a sham. What kind of a show are you guys puttin' on here today. I mean, the only class in this act is sittin' next to me. And I'm here to tell ya this boy's soul is intact. It's non-negotiable. You know how I know? Someone here -- and I'm not gonna say who -- offered to buy it. Only Charlie here wasn't sellin'." -Scent of a Woman

"Outta order? I'll show you outta order! You don't know what outta order is, Mr. Trask! I'd show you but I'm too old; I'm too tired; I'm too [censored] blind. If I were the man I was five years ago I'd take a FLAME-THROWER to this place! Outta order. Who the hell you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit; there is no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sendin' this splendid foot-soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are executin' his SOUL!! And why?! Because he's not a Baird man! Baird men, ya hurt this boy, you're going to be Baird Bums, the lot of ya. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, [CENSORED] YOU too!" -Scent of a Woman

"He knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for 'em. Cheer them. Scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride. Even though sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams. Spider-Man did that for Henry and he wonders where he's gone. He needs him" -Spider-Man 2

"You know, Hogarth, we live in a strange and wondrous time: the Atomic Age. But there's a dark side to progress, Hogarth. Ever hear of Sputnik?... Foreign satellite, Hogarth, and all that that implies. Even now it orbits overhead - Boop! Boop! - watching us. We can't see it but it's there, much like that thing in the woods. I don't feel safe, Hogarth. Do you?... What am I talking about? WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?! I'm talking about your [censored] security, Hogarth! While you're snoozing in your widdle jammies, up in Washington we're wide awake! Why? Because everyone wants what we have! Everyone! You think this metal man is fun, but who built it? The Russians? The Chinese? Martians? Canadians? I don't care! All I know is we didn't build it, and that's reason enough to assume the worst and blow it to kingdom come! Now, you are going to tell me where it is so we can destroy it before it destroys us!" -The Iron Giant

"He never raised his voice. That was the worst thing — the fury of the Time Lord. And then we discovered why — why this Doctor, who had fought with gods and demons, why he had run away from us and hidden... He was being kind. He wrapped my father in unbreakable chains forged in the heart of a dwarf star. He tricked my mother into the event horizon of a collapsing galaxy to be imprisoned there, forever. He still visits my sister, once a year, every year. I wonder if one day he might forgive her, but there she is. Can you see? He trapped her inside a mirror. Every mirror. If ever you look at your reflection and see something move behind you just for a second, that's her. That's always her. As for me, I was suspended in time and the Doctor put me to work standing over the fields of England, as their protector. We wanted to live forever. So the Doctor made sure we did." -Doctor Who, The Family of Blood

"Hello, Stonehenge! Who takes the Pandorica, takes the universe! But, bad news everyone, 'cause guess who! Ha! Listen, you lot! You're all whizzing about. It's really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I—AM—TALKING! Now the question of the hour is, "Who's got the Pandorica?" Answer: I do. Next question: Who's coming to take it from me? *Pause* Come on! Look at me! No plan, no back-up, no weapons worth a damn! Oh, and something else: I don't have anything to lose! So! If you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceships with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the Pandorica tonight, just remember who's standing in your way! Remember every black day I ever stopped you and then, and then... do the smart thing: Let somebody else try first." -Doctor Who, The Pandorica Opens

These are all good but I've always liked adapting the classic one from Dark Helmet:
"So, [insert hero's name here], now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb."

How about the one from the opening of I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream. It starts at about 5:27

"It's finally ready! You know, I went through quite a few supers to make it worthy to fight you, but man, it wasn't good enough! After you trashed the last one, I had to make some major modifications. Sure, it was difficult, but you are worth it. I mean, after all... I am your biggest fan...
All I wanted was to help you. I only wanted to help, and what do you say to me? It tore me apart. But I learned an important lesson. You can't count on anyone, especially your heroes.
See? Now you respect me, because I'm a threat. That's the way it works. Turns out there are lots of people, whole countries, that want respect, and will pay through the nose to get it. How do you think I got rich? I invented weapons, and now I have a weapon that only I can defeat, and when I unleash it...
Oh, ho ho! You sly dog! You got me monologuing! I can't believe it... "



-np

Quint: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte... just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that when you're in the water, Chief? You tell by looking from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin', so we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know, it was kinda like old squares in the battle like you see in the calendar named "The Battle of Waterloo" and the idea was: shark comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand. I know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday morning, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boatswain's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up, down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon, the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He swung in low and he saw us... he was a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper. Anyway, he saw us and he come in low and three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and starts to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened... waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.

Gets me everytime.

Thought of another one.

Network (1976)

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's work, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad.

[shouting] You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, [shouting] I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it:

[screaming at the top of his lungs] I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"