Announcements We DON'T Want to Hear...

Since everyone seems to be going crazy with impatience over hearing news.. any news... about Going Rogue... I thought I'd provide some news items both in game and out that we probably don't want to see..

* Starting this Wednesday there will be free Red Cap Babysitting services to all heroes and villains.

* Paragon City's own Burger Guy has just signed and exclusivity contract with the Vahzilok for all their burger meat supply needs.

* In court today Judge McCormick supported the idea that street gangs have the same rights as any other organization or cultural sub-group. As such, Go. Kill. Skuls. is now considered a Hate Crime; anyone possessing the badge is subject to federal prosecution.

* The Bad News: BABs recent struggle with acute intestinal distress left him tied to the bathroom for three days straight which caused him to miss work and fall behind schedule on his animations. The Good News: The experience gave him an idea for three new emotes.

* The Ultra-Graphics setting for Going Rogue will give you never before thought of realism and special effects during game play. On the other hand mapping the human genome would take less processor power.

* New Power Customization animations will allow your Super Strength character to beat up their opponents in new and devastating ways! But despite your amazing power you still can't open that flimsy wooden door barely covering the cave entrance if you don't have a mission there.

* The Energizer Battery company has enlisted the aid of Malta Sappers in advertising the lasting power of their new line of batteries. The Bunny could not be reached for comment.

* George Lucas has bought the movie rights to the latest Nemesis Plot.

* In-Game advertising will be revitalized with the release of Going Rogue. The NRA has bought advertising space in conjunction with the new Dual Pistols power set.

* A new color pallette system will be introduced allowing an even greater diversity of colors and effects to customize your powers. Epileptics the world over celebrate the new system with throes of ecstacy... or at least that's what the company spin doctors are calling it.

* In response to player complaints that there has been a depressing lack of new content lately, Issue 17 will see the new Deluxe Edition of the Positron Task Force. This edition will include 6 further missions, the introduction of Sappers into lower level play, the new Unresistable Knockdown Ruin Mage and a reduction of Merits in the final reward. The new badge text for the TF will read "Maybe this will teach you ba***rds not to complain!"

* Costume Update: At long last Kheldian sashes (such as the one worn by Moonfire) will be available for Heroes! To unlock the Kheldian sash for your Hero, simply defeat 5,070,103.5 Contaminated in Recluse's Victory. The spawn rate for Contaminated in Recluse's Victory has been adjusted to one per day (pending sufficient data-mining to determine if this is too many).

* Zone Update: Villains in Recluse's Victory will earn .25 merits for each Contaminated defeated.

* PVP Update/New Zone: Heroes and Villains may now test their mettle against each other in new and exciting ways in the new Shady Acres End Game Zone! Games include Checkers, Old Maid, Go Fish, and (for a cost of only 25 merits per minute) Virtual Pong!

* Villain Hate-age Update: Red-bordered Villain zone loading screens have proven to be too exciting for some Villain players, causing players to create more Villains than anticipated. Thus, all Villain zone loading screens will henceforth be bordered with a more soothing shade of dusty rose.

* The game is closing in 30 days

*Due to a mislabeled flag the Kheldian Sash is available to Heroes. It was intended as a Villain Exclusive Costume piece to balance out the 2 Hero Exclusive Costume pieces. Additionally defeating Romulus the Warshade will unlock the Sash as well.

*New Villain Exclusive Costume piece Animated Hair is unlocked after Completing Seer Marino's Arc "O Wretched Man"

*Jack is Back!

Sure today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday. And look how that turned out.

*All merit rewards are bugged. Anyone completing a story arc or task force will have merits REMOVED from their inventory upon completion. Please bear with us as we will definitely look into this issue after we finish with the Cathedral of Pain revamp.

*Supergroup leaders now have the ability to set an 'Invite Buff' on other players. This special buff will invite the affected player to the Super Group every 15 seconds for the next 24 hours. If accepted, the players influence and enhancements are immediately converted into prestige for the supergroup.

Details for Issue 17 have just been released:

New Power Set: Flatulence! Here's a demo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nt-sZ...eature=related
New Power Set: Halitosis! (Breathe on your opponent!)

We have also nerfed all other powersets to the point of uselessness! Woohoo!

* Following the current trend of Dual Swords and Dual Pistols the game will soon spiral out of control. Dual Axes lead to Dual War Maces. The blasters got angry and soon Dual Blasting became popular; the ability to shoot ice from one hand and fire from the other. This spiralled into Dual Controlling and Dual Buff/DeBuffing. When Tanks demanded Dual Shielding, however, the entire Development team quit en masse.

* In an effort to create more "realistic" end-game content the development team introduced the Armageddon Task Force. The ATF proved to be the hardest one in the game with completely new enemies and a diabolical plot twist near the end. The rewards for this TF were spectacular, including a guaranteed Purple Recipe that was useable by your character. However, to balance this, if you die during the task force you are not only ejected from the team but you will be unable to access your CoH account for one week while the Menders "Find your soul's remnants in the time stream."

* To reflect current realities when it comes to travelling any character going to or from Praetoria will be required to fill out approximately fifty-three forms and provide at least 3 forms of proper ID. Once reaching the new dimension the person must remain in quarantine for 2 weeks pending a full medical examination. The exam will be played out in a mini-game.

* Animals are finally going to be introduced to the game environment! The animals you encounter will be those indigenous to your real life location. Note: As a completely unrelated matter; all our Australlian players will find their contacts now offer "Anti-Venom" inspirations.

* Self-Created Emotes and Power Animations are now at your fingertips! Literally! For a small "Super Booster Pack" fee the developers will ship you a spandex suit covered with little ping-pong balls as well as a peripheral to be attached to your computer. In your own home you will, while wearing the suit, act out the animation you want personalized. The peripherals include tracking detectors and a web cam. Your movements and images will be sent to the development team who will, while laughing their collective ***** off at you, program the motions into your character file. Imagine your delight as you see your character execute their new Dragon Death Dive Kick with all the skill and grace you yourself managed to put into it.... .... .... All sales are final. No refunds.

Paragon studios proudly presents, the New Game Experience.

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Just thought of this one...

* Paragon Studios announces the hiring of forumite Steelclaw to the position of Mission and Dialog Writer.

* PvP has been revamped once again. Now, heroes and villains entering PvP zones will only have access to one power: the Care Bear Stare.

...or...

* PvP has been revamped once again. With the success of super sidekicking, the devs now introduce "super travel suppression". Characters entering PvP combat will not only have their travel powers suppressed, but their movement suppressed as well. There is a bug that causes characters in combat to be teleported to a point about 5 yards apart. The devs promise to fix this bug right after they get done fixing the Cathedral of Pain trial.