Something for the weekend
By
Baby_Phoenix,
Posted on: 2008-11-15 17:27 in CoH and CoV General Discussions
efan78 attempts to keep a high spirit in gloomy times. This usually helps the mood of the forum community.
What's 156 divided by 2?
Well, one is 1 and half of 5, and the other is half of 5 and 6! (dun dun dun, bad joke)
Ok well from what I have seen on the forums Ol' Phants has a lot to say about the games points good and bad, and from what I have been able to glean from that makes him passionate about the game and the community...
someone who isnt afraid to stand against the common grain even if he gets berated for it, that in my book is unabashed honesty....plain and simple - keep up the straight talkin me celtic chum 
And for the bad joke......
I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
(( tumbleweed))
Art of War Co-Leader - Union *Global@Warscythe*
"The box said Windows Vista or better - so I installed Linux"
Stryke has some cool character names and a very punny sense of humor
As for the bad joke:
How do penguins sleep?
Answer:
Pretty good.
The M.A.D. Files - Me talking about games, films, games, life, games, internet and games
I'm not good at giving advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
@Lyrik
The above user has an awesome avatar.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says 'Hey, that looks pretty annoying.' The pirate says 'Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!'
~union4lyfe~
Duncan's not afraid to resurrect a three-year-old thread - I respect that.
From The Guardian.
Disregarding the metaphysical aspects of Schrodinger's cats, (Letters, April 28) I must protest at the use of (possibly live) animals for experiments such as these. I urge readers to boycott whatever product this research is leading to.
- Roger Bisby, Reigate, Surrey.
DON'T eat muffins while I'm developing you.
Pants! Turkey Magnates! A man in a box! Rogue AI! Come one, come all, to arc ID 10107 - It's [i]'Not as long as some other arcs'[/i]!
The guy above me quotes The Guardian. Which, let's face it, is an awesome name for a newspaper.
Speaking of newspapers, I went to pick one up but when I got to the papershop it had blown away.
The guy above me knows how to kill his friends and will not hesitate to do so. That's awesome
Two men throw a rock into a hole to see how deep it goes. It echoes for a few seconds and then a goat runs past them and, with a startled expression, jumps into the hole. A farmer appears and asks after his goat. The men explain what happened. The farmer responds that it couldn't be his goat, as he'd tied it to a rock.
"Idealism is such a wonderful thing. All you really need is someone rational to put it to proper use." - Kerr Avon
Myopic Aardvark on Twitter
The guy above me has never tried to remove my eyes in any shape or form. For that i thank him.
Bad joke? Sure 
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they "Arrrggghhh"!!
@Damz Find me on the global channel Union Chat. One of the best "chat channels" ingame!
The above poster (Myopic_Aardvark) has quite possibly the most original forum handle I have ever seen.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
----- Union's finest underachiever -----
Farewell CITY of HEROES
The First, the Last, the One.
Union: @ominousvoice2059
EternalKnights has a good taste in music and his opera conducting is fantastic.
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
The Phantoms cares about CoH/V
Man with a piece of tarmac walks into a bar and said I'll have a pint and one for the road 
I thank you all I'll now get my coat and leave
Happy to be on Defiant.
Global name @mereman
Member of P.E.R.C. Representing Defiant
Alts http://cit.cohtitan.com/profile/4488
CoH faces http://faces.cohtitan.com/profile/mereman
Mereman is a self admitted old bloke playing games, which is awesome to see, cos, well, I'm one as well and us old blokes need solidarity, dammit!!
Joke time...
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.
We built this city on Rock and Roll!
Coin makes good cover versions of songs for the games we love! (remember Everybody's Free to Wear Capes?)
If my heart is an apple, what is my kidneys?
Bits of an orange. (another bad joke)
Coin's been around since God was born, roughly, and has always contributed. Good man.
Jane Russell turns to Marilyn Monroe and asks "Why is Charles sitting in that lake talking to a duck?" Marilyn replies "Oh, don't mind him. Gentlemen prefer ponds."
DON'T eat muffins while I'm developing you.
Pants! Turkey Magnates! A man in a box! Rogue AI! Come one, come all, to arc ID 10107 - It's [i]'Not as long as some other arcs'[/i]!
Wilfred (if I recall) is the kind of smart guy who appreciates the work of Christopher Morris, He is also the creator of frequently informative and infrequently amusing guides
and compressed below my normal 10 minute telling time:
A Man is walking along the road and he bumps into a man with an orange for a head.
"My God. How did you get that orange head?" he asked.
"Well, it's a long convoluted story.........." replied the man.
"Do Tell."
"OK. Well I was walking down this road a couple of days ago when I came across this lamp. Adhearing to traditional Joke format I rubbed it and, suprisingly enough, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes."
"How suspiciously unsuprising, What did you wish for?"
"Well, my first wish was for all the money I could ever need..."
"Did you get it?"
"Of course, gasp at the size of my wallet. My second wish was to have all the women I could ever need to fulfil all my fantasies..."
"Wow! Amazing! What was your third wish then?"
"To have an orange for a head..."
Kneeling girls! Statues driving cars! What's going on? Ten years ago a man was arrested in the area for driving statues around in a car. Was it him?
@Ted Maul - The Echelon
The Pacific Ocean, 1823.
The whaling ship Nantucket Venturer had been caught in a storm and sank with the loss of all hands bar two. The two surviving sailors clung to a piece of broken mast for 6 days, with the brutal sun beating down upon them. On the seventh day they drifted around a small island and were eventually washed up on a short, rocky beach.
The two men foraged for food for three days barely gathering enough to keep them alive, until one of them, half mad with sunstroke and starvation decides to head off on his own.
"It's no good," says he, "we will be dead within a week. I am going to walk to the other side of the island in search of food."
"There'll be no more food there than there is here. We'd be best to stay together," his ragged companion tells him.
"No, when we were drifting upon this rock I am sure I saw a bacon-tree on the other side. I'll head out and return with as many rashers as I can carry."
"A bacon-tree?! The sun has taken your senses man, there is no such thing in all of creation!"
"I am certain I saw it, you must believe me."
His friend shook his head, but recognised the determined gleam in his eye, "Go if you must but I assure you that no such tree exists, not on this island nor any other."
And so the sailor set off across the island in search of his fabled bacon-tree.
Several days later he returns, beaten black and blue with feathered arrows and a primitive native's knife sticking out of him. He crawls across the beach, with barely a breath remaining in him.
"My god! What happened?" His companion asked, aghast at his shipmate's wounded condition.
"My friend, I was a fool. You were right, there was no bacon-tree. I fought them off as well as I could but I fear I am mortally pierced. It was a ham-bush."
Doctor, Doctor, Every morning when I wake up I think I'm Tom jones!! 'it's not unusual.'.
Defiant 50's
Many and varied!
@Miss Chief
Miss is one of the in game great friends I have from the early days of this game.
Little girl strolling through the woods, on her way to see her granny. She comes to a clearing, and in the middle is a tree stump, with a tiny man sat on the stump. The man has his head between his knees, and is moaning to himself.
The little girl asks "excuse me, but are you a goblin?"
and the man says no, I have a [BLEEEP] headache.
Whilst Mr Questionmark seems to have missed part of the original post, he does tell a very good bad joke
After having serched my brain for one clean enough to tell here:
A man walks into a bar
"Ouch!"
However, it turned out that Smith was not a time-travelling Terminator
The person above was able to find a good clean bad joke 
Now, the bad joke..
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
...
A carrot.
...Sorry
Thanks to everyone playing along, I hope it's helping you to smile a little (or even groan at the awfulness of the jokes!)
Now, Nibiru is a fan of Worms, and anyone who loves classic games deserves much Kudos! (Even if he did steal my joke for the day! )
So I'll leave you with some book titles that have never been written (but should have been)
Oooh Matron! by Carrie Onn
Never Satisfied by Mona Lott
Fell Off a Cliff by Eileen Dover
Artificial Weightlessness by Andy Gravity
Nursery Rhymes by Barbara Blacksheep
French Cheeses by Cam M Bert
Big Book of Words by Dick Shunnary
Join the Army by Bea D Best
Guide to Bunjy(sp?) Jumping by Hugo First
Mountains in the Mediterranean by Roco Gibraltar
xxx Ethan xxx
Yes, I'm one of those sad folk on twitter!
"Do not underestimate the power of Shiny�" - Mothers_Love
Thanks Efan for starting a thread which put a welcome break into my worktime boredom. Following on from your authors...
"A Day At The Beach" By C. Side
"A Large A***hole" By Hugh Janus
"A Visit To The Dentist" By Lord Howitt-Hertz
"A**l Passage" By R. Sole
"At The Barber's Shop" By Shaun Head
"Baby's Revenge" By Nora Tittov
"Beatiful Babe From Newcastle-Upon-Tyne" By Bonny Lass
"Beside The Seaside" By C. Shaw
"Blood Sucking Insects - Vol.1" By Amos Quito
"Blowing Up Buildings" By D. Molition
"Brainless" By M. T. Head
"Breaking The Ice" By P. Kaxx
"Breakfast Recipes" By Egon Toast
"Brick Laying" By C. Ment
"Brown Spots On the Wall" By Hu Fling Pu
"Call The Plumber" By Ivor Leak
"Cannibalism" By Henrietta Mann
"Caring For Parrots" By L. O. Polly
"Cookery For Beginners" By Egon Chips
"Defrosting Cattle" By Thora Herd
"Designing Placards" By Bill Poster
"Driving A Taxi" By Minnie Cabb
"End Of Term" By C. Myra Port
"Escpape To The New Forest" By Lucinda Woods
"Evacuate The Building" By Rufus Falling
"Faeces In The Carpet" By Drew P. Draws
"Fashion Of The 1960's" By Minnie Skirt
"Feed Your Dog Correctly" By Nora Bone
"First In The Form" By Hedda De Classe
"Fooling Around" By Joe King
"Fun With Your Friends" By Joe Kerr
"Garden Full Of Weeds?" By Dan D. Lyon
"Give To The Poor" By Rob Deritch
"Golden Waterfall" By I. P. Standing
"Harbouring A Chinese Fugitive" By Hu Yu Hai Ding
"Hernia On The Yangtze" By Won Hung Low
"Hole In The Mattress" By Mr. Completely
"How To Boast Successfully Vol.1" By Ivor Biggun
"How To Boast Successfully Vol.2" By Mike Oxlong
"How To Make An Igloo" By S. Keemo
"I Don't Believe You" By Paul D. Utherwan
"Laying Carpets" By Walter Wall
"Leaving Things Until The Last Minute" By Justin Time
"Leaving Your Country" By Emma Grate
"Lion Tamer's Manual" By Claude Allovah
"Losing My Mind" By C. Nility
"Love In Old Mexico" By L. Rotten Crotcho
"Making Lots Of Money Easily" By Ivor Fortune
"Making Tons Of Money" By Millie O'naire
"Man Joins A Convent" By Farquar Loadanuns
"Mistake We All Make" By General Error
"Mouth Of The River" By S. Tury
"Moving House" By Ivor Newhome
"On The Rocks" By Mandy Lifeboat
"Out On Parole" By Freda Convict
"Pachyderms" By L. E. Fant
"Parachute Jumping" By Willie Maykit
"Performing '69' In Japan" By Tu Can Chu
"Premature Children In China" By Tai Nee Bai Be
"Problem Children" By Miss B. Haviour
"Riding Horses For Pleasure" By G. G. Canters
"Run For Your Lives" By Major Panic
"Russian Torture" By: Hugh Bitchacockov
"Rustle In The Bushes 1" By Izzie Honour
"Rustle In The Bushes 2" By Willie Gettit
"Sci-Fi Weapons" By Ray Gun
"Set Fire To The Taxman" By Bernardette Collector
"Show Jumping" By Jim Carner
"Small Cars In Great Britain" By Minnie Driver
"Sneezing Fit" By A. Choo
"Solitude" By I. Malone
"Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child" By Corporal Punishment
"Speed Reading" By Paige Turner
"The Case Of The Stolen Chestnut" By Nick McConker
"The Cat's Revenge" By Claude Balls
"The Chinese Youth" By Won Yung Gai
"The Dripping Tap" By Lee King
"The Easy Lay" By Carmen Gettit
"The Inevitable Occurrence" By Sue Nora Layter
"The Largest Bra In The World" By Norma Stitz
"The Open Kimono" By Seymour Hair
"The Rich Person" By Millie O'Naire
"The Russian With Three Testicles" By Ooja Nikabolokov
"The Thirsty Diner" By Phil McCuppup
"The Worst Weekend In My Life" By Helen Back
"Thunder in the Night" By Henrietta Bean
"Trouble In Lancashire" By Igor Blimey
"Under The Grandstand" By Seymour Butts
"Viagra: What It Can Do For You" By Hugh G. Rection
"Weight Lifting" By Buster Gutt
Golden-Phoenix - Lvl 50 Fire/Fire Tank
Oodja Nikabolokov - Lvl 50 SS/WP Brute
Baby-Phoenix - Lvl 50 Peacebringer
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
Golden Phoenix has an AWESOME avatar, which deserves a round applause
*claps*
Ok, bad joke time....
What goes zzub, zzub, zzub.....
A bee flying backwards
We built this city on Rock and Roll!
Thanks to Golden Phoenix for that hillarious list. It really brightened my morning.
Best bumper stickers ever:
"I Brake for no apparent reason."
"Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control."
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Few women admit their age; fewer men act it."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW."
"Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Keep honking...I'm reloading...."
"So many stupid people... so few comets"
"All men are idiots, and I married their King."
"Love him like a king, train him like a dog."
"All men are animals, some just make better pets."
"If the screams from my trunk bother you, turn up the radio."
"Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."
"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
"If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished."
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Inland Revenue."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?"
"A fool and his money are a girl's best friend."
"If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you."
Characters:
The Heroic Mary Grace (50)
The Mystical Thunderspark (50)
The Candy-loving Little Jenny (50)
Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, Aliens, Robots, Cyborgs, Lesbian Catgirls, General Manimals, Rabbits, Smurfs and assorted others!
I've been feeling a bit of bad ju-ju recently (and so have others it seems), so I wanted to see if I could raise a little Happy-Happy Joy Joy for the weekend (yes, I too am planning to abuse the "no mods at the weekend" thing.
I've learned my lesson from last weekend though and will not be trying any sort of irony, sarcasm or other non obvious humour!
So, here's the premise... it's a 2 prong attack (and I think they've both been done before, unfortunately I can't find my ar...mpit with both hands, never mind a thread on the forum!)
Firstly, try to say something NICE (not a backhanded compliment, genuinely nice!) about the person who posted before you, then follow it with a joke.
Easy, see!
Now, as I'm the first person to post I'm going to choose the last person who I've seen posting in General Discussion...
That'd be Lionsbane (this post)
So, Lionsbane is a very passionate supporter of CoX. He really cares about what is happening to the game, and isn't afraid to say so. (To sum up, Passionate and Brave!)
And the joke?
What's brown and sticky?
...
...
...
...
...
A stick! *Badum-tsch!*
Thank you, I'll get my coat!
xxx Ethan xxx
Yes, I'm one of those sad folk on twitter!
"Do not underestimate the power of Shiny�" - Mothers_Love