City of Personal Ads

Even heroes and villains get lonely… These are a few Personal Classified Ads from some notables of Paragon City and the Rogue Isles…

Note: Some of these are a little old, so they may pre-date current relationships.

Silver Mantis: Sexy adventurous woman seeks Dual Build for fun and excitement. 1st build must be a Brute to show me escalating good loving. 2nd build should be a Tank for when I love you back.

Arbiter Sands: A Boy Like Me, A Girl Like You… A World of Our Own… Walk a Mile in My Shoes… My Blue Suede Shoes… You’ll Never Walk Alone… Love Me Tender… Love Me Tonight

Black Scorpion: Single man seeks woman who is able to see past his exterior armor to the soft, gentle man inside. If you’re willing to put in the effort to get past my walls (and own an industrial strength can opener) you are sure to be rewarded.

Captain Castillo: Pure magnificence is what you’ll experience on our first date. Unbridled adoration and, dare I say, worship is promised from the moment we first lay eyes upon each other. But don’t let it frighten you… all women react that way when they see me.

Captain Mako: Single male seeks human female for dinner.

Countess Crey: Single, professional woman seeks Super Hero or Villain for long nights of experimentation. My schedule does not allow for much dating so a first round elimination process must occur. Please send a description of your powers/abilities and a genetic tissue sample to the below address. I shall contact you if you make the cut.

Dominatrix: KNEEL SCUM!! If you are now kneeling having simply read this, please leave a message with your contact information in my Personal’s mail box.

Dr. Aeon: Brilliant and dashingly handsome scientist seeks fair damsel for long romantic evenings and scintillating dinner conversation. I shall take you to dinner where I shall keep refilling your wine glass when its only half empty. Then a nice play, but a naughty one with nudity and passionate love scenes. After the play I shall take you to a bar where the drinks shall flow aplenty! Then it’s back to my “lab” where we’ll… wait... I seem to have described my entire plan including the parts that should definitely have been kept secret… that and if I have this printed it will likely cost me a fortune.. charging by the letter rather than the word… and they call ME an evil genius… I’d better think this through before I decide on how to phrase this… I’ll call back later <click>

Dr Vahzilok: Single male seeks a woman with 30 inch long legs, including a 12 inch circumference thigh, blue eyes (at least one), thin nose (not too long), three inch long middle right finger, size 8 foot (NO HAMMER TOES!!) and shoulders approximately 23 inches in breadth. If you match at least one of these requirements please send me a message! I’m undying to meat you.

Ghost Widow: Female seeks transparent male for mutual haunting.

Lanaru the Mad: Dog entrails! Monkey brains smeared on chalk boards as unholy sacrifice to the clown gods! Cataclysmic concertos played on the infernal organ in the deepest pits of marmalade!! Oh… and long romantic walks on the beach. Call me!

Lord Recluse: Single man seeks co-ruler for world domination. Applicant should be a red-head, love wearing green skin-tight clothing and "mentally strong." She should also be willing to kick the midget to the curb for a real man. Oh, Arachnophobics need not apply.

Mother Mayhem: Single woman seeks open minded male for long therapy sessions.

Nemesis: Single male Emperor of the Earth seeks loving female for help with world domination plots and romantic invasions. Please be well-organized and capable of multi-tasking in a high stress environment. Ambition is a must! Do not bother sending a resume or calling, I have been watching you for several months now. This ad was simply a means of letting you know I shall be contacting you soon.

Scirocco: Lonely, troubled male seeks understanding and compassionate female for long evenings spent reading poetry and listening to emo music. If you are looking for a sensitive man who isn’t afraid to cry, then you’re looking for me. Females with emotional baggage of their own more than welcome. No fat chicks.

Clockwork King: Penelope Yin, why aren’t you returning my calls?! I tried contacting you psychically but the astral operator says you now have an unlisted silver cord! What have I done wrong?! Please, call me!

The Goddess Hequat: Goddess seeks mortals for worship and subjugation. Males or females not important. Interest in bondage and restraint a plus! Virgins of suitable age may be eligible for our “Fast Track” program!

Tub Ci: Artist seeks unblemished female for evenings of art and ink. Please be a non-smoker with an interest in tattooing but no current artwork on your canvas.. er.. flesh. If the idea of being the first woman to try my new magical “Erogenous Sigil” tattoo excites you then please leave a message in my voice mailbox.

Tyrant: Demi-god seeks heroes wishing to become villains or villains wishing to become heroes. Don’t bother leaving a message, all applicants must appear in person here in Praetoria.

Vanessa DeVore: Single female seeks EVERYTHING.

Wretch: Wretch seek lady Wretch can touch without Wretch’s hand going through.

Agent Six: Single female seeks Agent Nine. (think about it)

Azuria: Magical single female seeks security expert.

Athena Currie: Single female seeks living, breathing flesh male. I’m tired of having to satisfy myself with clockwork parts.

City Representative: Single female seeks a man who will actually remember her name after the first date.

Citadel: Male android seeks female for light mechanical work, polishing of parts, lubing of moving pieces, revving of engine and testing of load bearing limits. Conversation not required.

Coyote: Single male hero seeks EXPERIENCED female.

Doc Delilah: Single, professional woman seeks man for nice evenings spent in conversation and possible romance. Friendship first. Doesn’t have to meet me eye to eye but has to at least realize I HAVE eyes.

Haley Phillips: Middle aged woman seeks man for nice conversation and romantic evenings. Man in question must be monogamous and NOT leave me for some bimbo in a harem outfit!!

Jim Temblor: Young man seeks level-headed woman for fun times and adventures. Woman must be sensible and thoughtful, must not rush head-on into dangerous situations.

Julius the Troll: Single male seeks female for mate. Must be good. Must not be bad. Must not take Superadine. Must know all words to “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Mender Lazarus: Jenny, this is Lazarus, I just wanted to tell you last night was incredible! Oh, actually that would be your month from now, wouldn’t it? We haven’t actually met but I am deeply in love with you! That thing you’ll do with your tongue… incredible! Unless by mentioning this I actually change the time line… hmmm… You know what? Just ignore this. I’ll catch you later… sooner… whatever.

Percy Winkley: Seeking Fusionette. I don’t know why… but I get the feeling we were MADE for each other!

Synapse: Fast talking man seeks sexy lady for quickies. Really really quick quickies. If you love sprinting on the beach and love cats, then I’m your man! A willingness to wear latex is a definite plus. Not because I’m into that fetish, but as a safety precaution in case of … er… “accidental electrical discharge.” Scientists NEED NOT APPLY!!

That's enough for now. Feel free to add your own... I'll likely put in some more of my own once I've recovered from this last bunch.

Edited: To remove inadvertant incestuous ickiness.

Um, Steelclaw, you realize that Ms. Liberty is Recluse's Grand-niece? (Though honestly, Longbow makes me think that she probably IS his type ...)

Wow. That was...awesome. Though, um...a bit icky with Lord Recluse there, I think...eww.

Valkyrie: Single heroine seeking hero who won't use "I can never take you out to dinner because removing my armor could endanger the entire City" as an excuse not to go out even though he stands around all day blinding me with the reflection from his bald shiny head ...

Malaise: Single male seeking heroine who won't play mind games with him ...

Luminary: Single Fembot seeks male who won't spend all day glaring at her and never once suggest taking her out for an oil change or gear rotation.

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Um, Steelclaw, you realize that Ms. Liberty is Recluse's Grand-niece? (Though honestly, Longbow makes me think that she probably IS his type ...)

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Err... Oops? That piece of lore I must have missed... I'll take care of it... thanks for the info!

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Valkyrie: Single heroine seeking hero who won't use "I can never take you out to dinner because removing my armor could endanger the entire City" as an excuse not to go out even though he stands around all day blinding me with the reflection from his bald shiny head ...

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Okay, I LOL'd. That's brilliant.

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Captain Mako: Single male seeks human female for dinner.

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Badum tsh!

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Um, Steelclaw, you realize that Ms. Liberty is Recluse's Grand-niece? (Though honestly, Longbow makes me think that she probably IS his type ...)

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Well Dominatrix is Tyrant's grandaughter as well and they have and implied relationship.

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Agent Six: Single female seeks Agent Nine. (think about it)


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Naughty.


//Jack

I go away on vacation for a week and my HLT was a failure. I guess you just cannot be contained Steel.

You are Uncontainable.

for doc deliliah, must not live in apartment with elevators.

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Sstheno: Sssssingle female Demigod seeking male. Must love very 'constricting' cuddlings', sssstone scultpure, and the letter 's'.

Barracuda: Female coralax monster seeks male interested in not-sucking, and fun cult activities. Jerks and idiots need not apply.

Looks Like He Knows Something: Male seeking nurturing, loving female. Must be okay with acting motherly, and compassionate. As you can tell from my name, my mother didn't love me all that much, so this is a big step for me.

Hardcase: Single male seeks compassionate, gentle villainess. Must not use the word "softcase".

Vernon Von Grun: Single male seeks girl who likes to laugh.

Tech Naylor: Oi, single male here lookin' fer a r'ly nice lady. Ya gotta Aussie accent. I got ta' have someone ta' take ta' th' Sonata concert!

Diviner Maros: Single male seeking you, Ms. Elizabeth Marie Jenson, AKA Lizzie to your close friends and ... lovers. I made sure to put this advertisement here, today, because I knew you would read it and wished to edit out the tedious and expensive courtship process, especially since I already knew you wouldn't put out before your wedding night. I'm waiting at the church, as today's our wedding day; and yes I have the perfect ring you've been thinking about all your life. I'll tell you all about our years-long romance after tonight, honey. See you in two hours, forty seven minutes and eleven seconds!

That was the best one yet, Steelclaw!

Isn't Naylor Jamaican or British?

Amusing. I don't get the Arbiter Sands one.

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Tech Naylor: Oi, single male here lookin' fer a r'ly nice lady. Ya gotta Aussie accent. I got ta' have someone ta' take ta' th' Sonata concert!

[/ QUOTE ]I'm pretty sure he's meant to be British, seeing as his name is derived from Rob Grant and Doug Naylor, creators of Red Dwarf.

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Lanaru the Mad: Dog entrails! Monkey brains smeared on chalk boards as unholy sacrifice to the clown gods! Cataclysmic concertos played on the infernal organ in the deepest pits of marmalade!! Oh… and long romantic walks on the beach. Call me!

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Okay, I don't often acutally laugh out loud, but this did it! I love your posts Steelclaw, and they are always funny, but something about this one really got me this time.

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Isn't Naylor Jamaican or British?

Amusing. I don't get the Arbiter Sands one.

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Arbiter Sands is an obvious Elvis impersonator.. And I believe The Sands was the Vegas casino he played at in his declining years. His personal ad was nothing but Elvis song titles.

But then again.. if you have to explain a joke... well... ::sighs::

Anywho..

* Hamidon - Single celled organism seeks single celled organism for asexual reproduction and heavy mitosis.

* Television - Lonely mass media device seeks companion for some late night programming.

* Serge - Smartly dressed male seeks other for good times; male or female... I go both ways when it comes to making you look ... and feel... FABulous!!

* The Facemaker - Single female seeks partner... Personality is key! Appearance is (or at least will be) flexible.

* Back Alley Brawler - Very lonely... nearly forgotten really.. male in Galaxy City... you know Galaxy City right? Looking for companionship, long talks... hell... I'd settle for the occassional glimpse of someone who isn't an NPC! For Pete's sake I'm dying out here! Are we sure Coyote is still even OFFERING Galaxy City as an option?!

* ForeShadow - Single male hero seeks old soul with which to reminisce about old times... say ancient Greece or perhaps Feudal Japan... oh! And wasn't the Tigris-Euphretes river valley a blast?!

* Infernal - Single male seeks understanding, patient woman for friendship and possible long term relationship. Understanding and temperance a must! Please be accepting of an... alternative lifestyle. Must love pets.

Mynx - Single feral female seeks alley cat for midnight caterwauling... belly rubs and extended purring sessions. No drinking, no smoking, occassional catnip. Any mention of Cheeseburgers will get you clawed.

Positron - Single male seeks female for long, involved, seemingly endless date that will take us to several distant locales. Let me introduce you to a multitude of enem... er... interesting people. A date with me will seem to last forever. I promise!

Serafina - Genie seeks intelligent male for nice conversation, long romantic evenings and friendship. Attempts to "rub my lamp" or "grant ME a wish or three" will not be tolerated.

Blue Steel - Single male seeks female tank with invulnerability. All applicable defensive powers must be slotted to the maximum with damage resistance; ED or no ED. Important: Invulnerability MUST be both external AND internal!!

They all had me rolling, but the Serafina and Mako ones were priceless.

...though that Serafina one will get me in trouble if my girlfriend ever picks up the phone. In advance, I'm blaming you for this.

They're all straight? Since when...

*edit*

Oh wait, just saw Serge's... a bit stereotypical, but ok.

Becky, Tarantula Mistress: Single Female like, totally searching for true love at last! Like, y'gotta be cute and stuff, with good fashion sense. Not like that that time I went out with that 'Scirocco' guy, he was, like, totally groady to the max! I enjoy, like, long walks on the beach and shopping--like, you'll totally earn your way into my heart if you help me find a dress that fits and looks, like, totally cute on me!

If that's her criteria, Becky is going to be single a LONG LONG time.

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Positron - Single male seeks female for long, involved, seemingly endless date that will take us to several distant locales. Let me introduce you to a multitude of enem... er... interesting people. A date with me will seem to last forever. I promise!

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Y'know, Steelclaw, leave it to you to enlighten me as to just how much like his TF that my Positron story actually IS.

Because not unlike his Task Force, in my story he finds himself on a long, involved, not-quite-seemingly-endless date (or several), that takes him to several distant locales, introduces him to a multitude of enem... err, interesting people, and seems to last forever.

Michelle
aka
Samuraiko/Dark_Respite

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Nemesis: Single male Emperor of the Earth seeks loving female for help with world domination plots and romantic invasions. Please be well-organized and capable of multi-tasking in a high stress environment. Ambition is a must! Do not bother sending a resume or calling, I have been watching you for several months now. This ad was simply a means of letting you know I shall be contacting you soon.


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You laugh, but I've long considered doing a Kid Eros story based on exactly this premise.

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If that's her criteria, Becky is going to be single a LONG LONG time.

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Let's hook up Becky and Serge and see what happens.