ZERO STARS: The Worst of the Worst of MA
By
airhead,
Posted on: 2009-06-25 17:20 in Mission Architect
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This is the funniest damn thing I have read in a LONG time. Keep it up!
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QFT
DB background
DB at the bookstore
DB in the movies
DB is wanted by FBI
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Back before AE hits the streets, there was talk on these boards about finding our Ed Woods and it looks like they just might turn up in this thread sooner or later.
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*Points at sig*
I've had good feedback on that one, YMMV.
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Doesn't count when you deliberately aimed for Ed Wood territory.
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The trouble I have with this thread is that you're seeking out people who have already gotten bad reviews and are actively seeking to "kick them while they're already down" for a few laughs and giggles.
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No, the trouble you have with this thread is that you've imposed your own reasoning for reviewing the arcs and ignored the fact that TerminusEst13 wasn't deliberately panning or flaming arcs, but instead, looking for arcs with low ratings, attempting to discern whether those low ratings were warranted and if so, why they earned low ratings and reporting on his findings with wit and sagacity instead of simply saying, "Yeah, this arc sucked, don't run it".
You attribute malice where none exists. That's your problem with this thread. And it is precisely that, your problem. Take it somewhere else.
The trouble I have with this thread is he hasn't posted any more reviews yet.
Sure today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday. And look how that turned out.
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The trouble I have with this thread is he hasn't posted any more reviews yet.
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^QFT
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The trouble I have with this thread is that you're seeking out people who have already gotten bad reviews and are actively seeking to "kick them while they're already down" for a few laughs and giggles.
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No, the trouble you have with this thread is that you've imposed your own reasoning for reviewing the arcs and ignored the fact that TerminusEst13 wasn't deliberately panning or flaming arcs, but instead, looking for arcs with low ratings, attempting to discern whether those low ratings were warranted and if so, why they earned low ratings and reporting on his findings with wit and sagacity instead of simply saying, "Yeah, this arc sucked, don't run it".
You attribute malice where none exists. That's your problem with this thread. And it is precisely that, your problem. Take it somewhere else.
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Um ... actually, I don't think you're right at all. TerminusEst13 clearly said:
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My latest hobby ... was to play through horrible arcs ... I consider it "fun" to do this ... assaulting me with mountains of retardation ... I love to rant, and these all will give me plenty of opportunities to rant! As well as suck what fun that can be had out of them as I analyze them from numerous perspectives, thus reducing me to a gibbering shell of a man ... It'll be fun! And by "fun", I mean "oh god please kill me".
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Attempting to ascern whether those low ratings were warranted????
I don't see that there. What are you smoking, dude????
T-13 is absolutely is looking for arcs with low ratings with the intent of panning and "flaming" them with wit and humor. He SAYS he is ... that's the reason for being of this thread ... the intent of this thread!
I DON"T think T-13 is doing this out of malice; I think he's doing it out of a sense of humor! Plenty of people find it funny. Even I do! (Its not poorly written.)
But I DO think its targeting people who have gotten low marks on their arcs and using the forums to publically kick them while there down.
That's his right to do. Your right to enjoy. And my right to point out.
So if you don't like my comments, that's your problem, not mine. I don't need to "take it elsewhere."
(cue the heroic music)
"For wherever EVIL attacks the poor unwashed masses ... whenever the BULLIES of the world attack the vulnerable and the naive ... whenever people with make-believe names PICK ON other people with make-believe names ...
... THE HOBO WILL BE THERE ..."
(cut music)
So there. 
GARY COLEMAN:
Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy
NICKY:
I'll say.
GARY COLEMAN:
And when I see how sad you are
It sort of makes me...
Happy!
NICKY:
Happy?!
GARY COLEMAN:
Sorry, Nicky, human nature-
Nothing I can do!
It's...
Schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad that I'm not you.
NICKY:
Well that's not very nice, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN:
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!
D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?
NICKY:
Yeah...
GARY COLEMAN:
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their [censored]?
NICKY:
Sure!
GARY COLEMAN:
And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy,
Watching people out in the rain!
NICKY:
You bet!
GARY COLEMAN:
That's...
GARY AND NICKY:
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN:
People taking pleasure in your pain!
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
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Back before AE hits the streets, there was talk on these boards about finding our Ed Woods and it looks like they just might turn up in this thread sooner or later.
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*Points at sig*
I've had good feedback on that one, YMMV.
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Doesn't count when you deliberately aimed for Ed Wood territory.
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:_(
Players' Choice Awards: Best Dual-Origin Level Range Arc!
It's a new era, the era of the Mission Architect. Can you save the Universe from...
The Invasion of the Bikini-clad Samurai Vampiresses from Outer Space? - Arc ID 61013
My opinion:
These reviews are hilarious and I want more.
Galactic Hobo, this is the internet. No one is going to agree with you, you're not going to agree with the others, and TE13 is not going to stop the reviews because of whatever you say. Let's stop hijacking the thread and wait for the next review, please.
Has been killed by the DoT on Throwing Knives and proud of it.
Oh good gawd. Look, all you whiners out there, just please be quiet. Look if those Arcs weren't just plain terrible then they wouldn't be subjected to such harsh critique. As it is, I find the reviews to be just, plus it is still just one person's opinion. You've stated your dislike over the thread, but you endorse it every time you post by bumping it up to the top. You've stated your opinion... now move along.
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Oh good gawd. Look, all you whiners out there, just please be quiet. Look if those Arcs weren't just plain terrible then they wouldn't be subjected to such harsh critique. As it is, I find the reviews to be just, plus it is still just one person's opinion. You've stated your dislike over the thread, but you endorse it every time you post by bumping it up to the top. You've stated your opinion... now move along.
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There is a limit to how many times that even a Galactic Hobo can hear that he is wrong and that everybody else is right ...
There comes a point where even a Galactic Hobo heeds the passionate words of others that he should just give up and move along quietly...
And there comes a time when even a Galactic Hobo must step aside and do nothing, and thus allow evil to triumph ...
But I'm not there yet!!!!!
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The trouble I have with this thread is he hasn't posted any more reviews yet.
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The only trouble I have with this thread is the amusement is being spoiled by a self-righteous, holier-than-thou high horse troll.
Virtue Server
Avatar art by Daggerpoint
perhaps you should consider caring less about annoying internet people
don't let 'em, you know, get you down
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The trouble I have with this thread is he hasn't posted any more reviews yet.
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The only trouble I have with this thread is the amusement is being spoiled by a self-righteous, holier-than-thou high horse troll.
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For everything else, there is Ignore.
Overdramatic whiteknighting at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.
Leave 'im alone, it's not like he has any ground to stand on, moral or intellectual.
Seriously. Evil? Lol.
REALMS OF PAIN
Playthrough Cohorts: @Crasical
Arc ID: 160540
Morality: Neutral
Description: THROUGH SUFFERING AND HATE THAT RESULTED FROM THE GREAT NINJA WAR RISES A MASTERMIND CALLED PAIN. WITH HIS TEAM OF NINJAS INCLUDING 6 DANGEROUS ROGUE NINJAS, HE PLANS ON HAVING DOMINION ON THE WORLD. HE BELIEVES PEACE WILL ONLY BE REALIZED WHEN EVERYONE HAS FELT HIS PAIN. (NARUTO INSPIRED)
Characters Used: Argorath (Elec Melee/Energy Aura Brute), Mondlicht (Bane Spider)
I think it's kinda cheating for me to be reviewing this, honestly.
Since Mission Architect came out, a lot of the updates have nullified arcs for one reason or another. Illegal powerset combinations, illegal maps, illegal dialogue, illegal whatever, whenever an arc is affected it relies on its creator to bring it back up.
What makes this cheating? Well, the arc author never got back to it. Ever.
There's probably lots of legitimate reasons for this. He quit the game, he moved to another game, his account was cancelled, he went to Honolulu and got enthralled with the bikini girls in floral sarongs.
I wouldn't blame him for the latter. Hawaiian girls are hot.
Unfortunately, despite this, the arc is still up in the air and published.
CIEL TRICANT is our contact today, and his black attire with blood red sharp jagged thorns and white skulls only serves to act as a warning signal that all is not right. Surely, this man can't be the fabled PAIN himself, can he?! Is he an all-mighty all-powerful ninja supervillain begat of agony and strife? Are the seconds that I still live in his presence simply fleeting moments of mercy?!
No! He is a man that can be trusted!
For you see, he has a halo.
Halos are nice! Halos are shiny! A nice and shiny thing on a man drenched in skeletal body parts and colors of gore are ALWAYS signs of good.
Through the magic of absolutely bugger-all backstory and setting, CIEL TRICANT informs us that he needs to find out some information about PAIN--assumedly, information as to whether or not PAIN is actually a villain, where PAIN's whereabouts are, what PAIN does on Sundays, and whether or not abusing capital letters is still the "in" thing to do.
(Hint: Yes)
I mean, this is all well and good, but where exactly am I supposed to go?
CIEL TRICANT: I HEARD SOME OF PAIN'S NINJAS ARE PATROLING IN AN AREA NEAR BY.
FIRE UP THE TELEPORTER!
Note. @TerminusEst13 and his cohort @Crasical found that things weren't quite as simple as it seemed. It turns out that the map is City Map 02 (Ruined), and that it's a kill-all. For people unfamiliar with the map, imagine a half-sunken cityscape covered in water that's eighty [censored] million billion miles across.
So we're going to give you a view of their psyche as it goes along:
---
[a fifth done:]
Me: These Bosses are jerks. BS/Regen at EXTREEEEME. Because nothing's more fun than not being able to do any sort of damage between Parry, Moment of Glory, and Instant Healing.
Cras: Broadsword ninja? In roman armor and Nictus space swords? Why, yes, this makes perfect sense. He wanted people to think they did the Imperious Task Force.
Me: With Brawl.
---
[a third done:]
Cras: "NIN-DEATH", they're called? Death of Ninja. They must actually be the avatars of ninja-killing.
Me: That would provide a possibility as to where the other ninjas went.
Cras: I think he got a little outnamed there. Since death ends pain and all.
Me: Maybe it's a death that puts you in a lot of pain?
Cras: But it still ends it.
Me: Unless it's a death that continues the pain in the afterlife.
Cras: I think we'd need a night in Vegas, lemon juice, lots of paper with very fine edges, and Batman Forever for that.
---
[half done:]
Cras: How many missions does this arc have?
Me: Five.
Cras: Why are we clearing these ruins again?
Me: "I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT SOME INFORMATION ABOUT PAIN. WILL YOU HELP ME?"
Me: The best way to discover pain is a kill-all on this map.
Cras: You are the worst god damn friend ever.
---
[three quarters done:]
Cras: Something melted the ninja hordes. There seem to be lots of melted ninja and not many death nin.
Me: Maybe they were all made out of chocolate. We've got chocolate bunnies, chocolate eggs, chocolate chickens, chocolate soldiers...
Cras: I think an ninja who would name himself 'Pain' and his subordinate 'Death' would be angry about something as nice as chocolate being used for ninja. His death ninja are terrifying, not delicious.
Me: Maybe it had nuts, then. Some people are allergic to nuts.
Cras: Oh, that must be it! That's why they have Roman armor and swords! It's all a crunchy nutty shell!
---
[one final mob left:]
Cras: DAMN YOU, PAIN! YOUR DELICIOUS ALLERGIC ROMAN CHOCOLATE DEATH NINJAS WILL NOT STOP US!
Me: SATAN'S SITTING THERE AND HE'S SMILING! SMIIILLLLIIIING!
Cras: Hang in there, man! Don't cry! We're almost done! Don't cry! Are you a man, or are you a quitter?!
Me: I ran out of tears so long ago, dude! Now I've only blood to cry... Blood and sweat!
Cras: Ew.
Yeah, it didn't end pretty.
An interesting thing about the mission is, due to the aforementioned MA arc explodying, more than half of the ninjas are replaced with generic MA invalid critter goop. The only remaining souls are the bosses, disgusting all-black Broadsword/Regen Extreme bosses that will kick your computer down and wizz all over it simply because you attempted to challenge them.
After we spent eightteen weeks trying to get through the mission, we come back to CIEL TRICANT empty-handed. A complete lack of dialogue provides us with no information whatsoever, and none of the enemies we dropped provided any clues at all.
CIEL TRICANT, however, can apparently use his halo as an amplifier for a latent psychic sense, and thus can divine straight into our mind to find out some sort of secret information that was picked up by the chocolatey hordes.
And, with this, he says we need "more" information. What we have is currently insufficient!
Let me just repeat that.
CIEL TRICANT just sent us on a trek through a gigantic [censored] outdoor map, killing every [censored] enemy on it, with [censored] for balanced powersets, and [censored] invalid enemies replaced with generic goop, all for [censored] nothing.
And now we need to do more.
Fifteen dollars a month for this is CASH WELL SPENT!
I think I'm going to cry. Again.
So, CIEL TRICANT thinks that the best way to get into PAIN's lair is to...find a map to his hideout! Oh, but of course! Every secret ninja hideout has a grand map that outlays every single location as to where it's hidden, and every one of these maps are in convenient, easy-to-get-to offices where there is already people occupying them!
For the record, the best way to buy food is with money, the best way to swim is to get into water, and the best way to fight enemies is to not die.
But NO! PAIN is too wily for our player brains! The next three missions are composed of the player heading to different offices in order to pick up an extremely obvious map held in a safe without any form of locks whatsoever! And there's no clues, no descriptions, nothing saying what the maps actually are or what they're about or what they say.
Because both our minds and CIEL TRICANT's hyper-psychic halo-advanced not-a-villain mind are composed of cupcakes and rocks, none of us are at all intelligent enough to figure out that these maps are completely bogus, even after heading into three different missions composed simply of three different traps in three different offices with all of PAIN's ninjas.
And nothing else. No other mobs, ever.
Because the player is supposed to ENJOY the PAIN ninja presence.
Yessirree, I sure do love getting beat on by invalid custom critters and the occaisional roman chocolate death ninja. Every day, I rise up out of bed, get a drink of caffeine, head to college, and I never pay attention to my lessons because every moment is spent thinking "OH BOY OH BOY, I SURE HOPE PAIN HAS SOME NEW NINJAS FOR ME TO GET BEAT BY!".
At the start of the third mission, you get to meet PAIN's 6 signature lackey ninja NPCs, all of which are /WP Arch-Villains. Arch-Villains, as you may recall, are the epitome of player enjoyment and balance, and Willpower only amps this up further with its amazing defenses, Resurgence, and High Pain Tolerance--the latter of which increases the already-intimidating Arch-Villain HP, and the middle-ter of which resurrects them after you killed them so you can fight them again.
If there's one thing players love more than Arch-Villains, it's fighting them again! Because, just like ice cream, you can never have enough and can just down that crap without any semblence of brain damage.
If it does hurt in your brain, it's just your mind saying that it loves it and it wants more.
The archvillains are "GOD REALM" (Psychic Blast/Willpower), "HUMAN REALM" (Mind Control/Willpower), "DEMON REALM" (Dual Blades/Willpower), "HELL REALM" (Illusion Control/Willpower), "GHOST REALM" (Super Strength/Willpower), and "ANIMAL REALM" (Fire Control/Willpower).
Yes, PAIN is apparently such a badass that he has existence not only over legions of ninja, but also entire REALMS! Dimensions bow down to his orders, at awe of the magnitude of his capital letters and his chocolate. Though I'd like to know what the difference between the DEMON REALM and the HELL REALM is. Either way, you're looking at the netherworlds.
For an extra bonus, not a single damn one of them have any semblence of reason or justification behind their powersets.
Ghosts are known for punching people in the face with rocks!
Humans have inherent psychic brain-killing abilities!
Animals are all known for flinging fire and making toast and introducing our ancestors to the burning that is heat!
THIS PRACTICALLY WRITES ITSELF. I THINK WE HAVE AN OSCAR WINNER ON OUR HANDS.
In the final mission, you get to face all six of them back to back, in rooms with barely any transitioning and thus have a high chance of aggroing them all at once. Oh, and PAIN as well, who is a Ninja Summoning/Willpower Arch-Villain.
In case you simply couldn't get enough love from the REALMs and had to resort to taking them all up the bum in a twisted ninja gangrape, you get to double that number effortlessly--nothing gets the adrenaline higher than jumping from fighting six unbalanced enemies to twelve/thirteen.
Side effects of pumping adrenaline include:
A: Screaming at the top of your lungs.
B: Self mutilation by clawing at your arms and face.
C: Slamming your head into your keyboard and monitor at the same time.
D: Fapping.
In the end, there's not a single bit of closure, either. PAIN swears that his defeat is only temporary and that another PAIN will rise upon his fall, signifying that this arc is to be played multiple times. CIEL TRICANT even warns you that another PAIN will rise again and to never let down your guard.
No. I am NOT playing that game with you.
You want me to play again? I refuse. I refuse to give it more than a passing thought. I refuse to even LOOK at this arc ever again.
Once is enough. Once is MORE than enough. Once is something that only the most inhuman of people can go through, and here I've gone through it TWICE for the sake of this review.
This is a horrible arc. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. Horrible in every sense of the word.
JERK MOVES: -4 (The first two missions set this alone by being quite high, with Kill-Alls on massive friggin' maps. The AVs set this even higher by being overpowered sets amped up to the absolute extreme)
INCOHERENCY: -3 (The major offense this commits is that everything is in capital letters. Aside from that, surprisingly, everything follows basic grammatical structure and spelling, with other errors being minimal. The story, on the other hand, is absolutely non-existant and explains absolutely nothing despite what happens in it)
IRRITATION: -3 (What REALLY kicks this rating down is that most of the critters are replaced with goop. A reminder that the dev-designed critters aren't perfect, but at least they're significantly more balanced than this crap)
COMPLETABLE: -4 (It's completable, yes, in the same way that a shoe is edible and urine is drinkable. You can complete it if you gird your loins and will yourself to see it through to the end, but it's not something you want to do as long as there's, say, ACTUAL FOOD AND DRINK AROUND)
FINAL ANGRY METER: 10
This pissed me off, big time.
I bear no ill will to the creator, but I bear every single bit of loathing and hatred for this arc. The only mercy it gives is that that devs have already blown up a part of it, no doubt because of their knowledge of its evil, and even then it's not a mercy of its own doing.
Do not play this arc.
Do not look at this arc.
Do not even LOOK UP this arc.
I simply can't express into words how utterly awful this is. I highly doubt I'll ever play another arc so absolutely terrible.
I can't even make this stupid thing funny! I can't mock it! It lashes at me every time I try to make a joke! It cuts me to the bone, my marrow bleeding out my lifeless body as it laughs at ME! I come in laughing at it, and I walk out a bloody, traumatized man.
Nobody should experience this.
Wait...what's this?
[sees the rating average]
...what.
I...
...no.
No!
NO!
NOOO!
NOOOOOO!
DOES NOT COMPUTE!
DOES NOT COMPUTE!
DOES! NOT! COMPUTE!
OH GOD, MY BRAIN!
MY BRAIN!
AAAAUUGH!
AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGH!
AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!
TEst13, keep doing these reviews. I'm getting a good laugh. The rest of you (I'm looking at you mister you know who you are) shut the hell up and enjoy a good chuckle. Have some thick [censored] skin for god's sake.
Damn, I'm gonna call my arc "naruto inspired" and get a bunch of high ratings!
-STEELE =)
Allied to all sides so that no matter what, I'll come out on top!
Oh, and Crimson demands you play this arc-> Twisted Knives (MA Arc #397769)
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Oh good gawd. Look, all you whiners out there, just please be quiet. Look if those Arcs weren't just plain terrible then they wouldn't be subjected to such harsh critique. As it is, I find the reviews to be just, plus it is still just one person's opinion. You've stated your dislike over the thread, but you endorse it every time you post by bumping it up to the top. You've stated your opinion... now move along.
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There is a limit to how many times that even a Galactic Hobo can hear that he is wrong and that everybody else is right ...
There comes a point where even a Galactic Hobo heeds the passionate words of others that he should just give up and move along quietly...
And there comes a time when even a Galactic Hobo must step aside and do nothing, and thus allow evil to triumph ...
But I'm not there yet!!!!!
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Another Hobo, Galactic to boot! Who knew. Keep up the good fight in space.
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REALMS OF PAIN
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The best part is that when the folks I play with are discussing terrible arcs, the go-to buzzword is "Naruto fanfic." This one is like a text-book on how to write a terrible arc.
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Overdramatic whiteknighting at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.
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Agreed. 
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Leave 'im alone,
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Agreed. As many have pointed out, all I actually do with my posts is bump up readership. (For all you know, I'm T-13's second account designed specifically to keep the rubes tuning in for more reviews.)
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it's not like he has any ground to stand on, moral or intellectual.
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Wrong! While what you're doing isn't criminal by any means, but it certain isn't "nice." So that's my moral ground.
As for the intellectual high ground? Who knows. (I did manage to get through high school and college somehow - but a rocket scientist, I'm not. So you may have me there. )
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Seriously. Evil? Lol.
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No. Hyperbolely evil! As in ... "Overdramatic whiteknighting at its finest,"
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Wait...what's this?
[sees the rating average]
...what.
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Wow! That's what I'm talking about! You reviewed something with a 4 star review instead of a 1 or 0.
Question: How did you decide to target this arc? Were you just playing random arcs and thought this one was terrible, so included it? (While I still don't agree with reviewing bad arcs that haven't placed themselves on the chopping block, I DO think this is much fairer than singling out folk who already are getting bad reviews. 
And by the way ... for the one genius who said I was trying to hijack this thread: that would mean talking about something OTHER than what the OP is talking about. Every post of mine is spot-on related to this thread.
Being against something is not the same thing as being off topic ... in the same way that being for these reviews and appreciating T-13's humor is not off topic.
I like the way Policewoman gets what I'm talking about with her very cleaver post ...
... and it really is great to see another Hobo out there! And a HEALER to boot. That means SOMEWHERE in the universe, healers are still making housecalls. (Now, this last thought is off topic. See the difference?)
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Question: How did you decide to target this arc? Were you just playing random arcs and thought this one was terrible, so included it?
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Actually I wouldn't mind knowing how T13 decides what arcs to include in this review thread.
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(While I still don't agree with reviewing bad arcs that haven't placed themselves on the chopping block,
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If you publish, you put your arc on the chopping block.
Sure today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday. And look how that turned out.
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That means SOMEWHERE in the universe, healers are still making housecalls.
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I think it's in the Hamptons
Sure today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday. And look how that turned out.
The cruelest thing about this all is not the reviews of the arcs being played, its the pain and suffering inflicted upon poor, innocent Crasical. Locked, no doubt, in a dark, dank dungeon, forced to team with TerminusEst13 and run arcs until his eyes and fingers bleed. My only question is, can he still receive care packages in the Dungeon and does he prefer peanut butter or chocolate chip? (no oatmeal, I don't want to further his suffering)
Wow, how blatant can a ripoff get? This "Pain" is an actual Naruto character. The Realms are his meat-puppets, literally. Corpses reanimated with magic chakra sticks. Yes, really. Our hero beats the stuffing out of the Realms then talks Pain to death. By showing him that killing is bad and wrong. Badong.
Looks like this arc not only rips a perfectly serviceable villain directly from Naruto, but it also completely misses the point. Pain himself is a weakling. Who is emo because they killed his dog (and family, and best friend). Nagato, I mean Pain should never be an AV, he should be a lieutenant at best, possibly just a minion. The whole point of the Pain battle (apart from clearing out some buildings that were in the way) was to let Naruto realize that violence isn't always the answer and that killing is badong. Even when the kill-ee really does deserve it.
Great candidate for a zero star review, in other words. Also a great candidate for an IP violation report, if one were in that mood.
Aegis Rose, Forcefield/Energy Defender - Freedom
"Bubble up for safety!"
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By either design or accident, not only do you leave your signature blank but your made up forum name invisible, too. 
Why would anyone do that? (This has to be a glitch in my computer.) 
ha! 
name is fu 
nny!
glad you 
enjoyed it!
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Talk about disappearing into a black hole.
You have actually managed to cover up a FICTIONAL name.
Anyway, thanks for the great laugh.
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ha
yes, my
i am so
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My Little Seizure Pony is a bit of an annoyance, though. >.>
Virtue Server
Avatar art by Daggerpoint