Hand's healing next week. I'll be back to the random screamings and overexaggerated reactions then.
ALL THAT BAD?
Playthrough Cohorts: @El D, @Wonderslug, @ExiledAlice, @Tomanton, @Crasical, @Drake Hetaro
Arc ID: 38364 (Formerly)
Morality: Heroic
Description: The rikti have been around for quite some time now, and wile most of them seem set on dominating this world some of them are 'good'.
Characters Used: Wence (Fire Blast/Energy Manipulation), Mondlicht (Bane Spider), Anonysmo Dragon (Martial Arts/Willpower)
(NOTE: Having played this, the arc has gone offline since. Whether for updates, or a glitch, or something else, this arc simply isn't up anymore. This review is written mostly off of memory--if the arc ever goes back up, please excuse potential errors and incorrections. If you want proof this arc exists, please contact any of the playthrough cohorts for additional testimonies)
WHOAH-HOAH-HOAH THERE, buddy-boy. I think we need to call the presses, because this is BLOWING MY MIND.
Surely the Rikti don't have a spec of goodness in them! They are evil aliens from beyond the stars, from a cosmic space that is both cosmic and spacey! And evil! Their planet is made from the corpses of thousands upon billions of sacrificed puppies, the tears of every kitten is harnessed to act as their steroids, the national anthem is song and dance routines about being evil, and every night before they go to bed they make sure to run outside so they can punch each other at least twice.
In fact, I'm fairly sure this is a grave insult to them. Any Rikti? GOOD? Pah! Perish the thought, one mutters to himself as he drinks his cup of virgin blood while strangling an orphan with the other hand. He must be typing with his toes to read this. Alien, non-Earthling toes.
The contact's name, if I remember, is Ziva--a gray-laden lass with long pants, tactical pouches slung around the waist and chest, and a blonde ponytail. Not a bad costume at all, which my eyes are so grateful for. Of course it's not GOOD, and any costume contest would probably have her as absolute last place and would berate her for comin' along to begin with, but it's still better than slapping the random button 13 times.
She greets us simply, getting straight into business.
EVERYONE SETTLE DOWN, WE'RE ABOUT TO LEARN THAT THE RIKTI ARE
NOT ALL THAT BAD.
She talks about how the Rikti are planning on taking over the world and how she won't let that happen--she somehow got her hand on some Rikti plans, which talk about in great detail about how they're going to blow up some caves underneath a residential area. Then she asks us to stuff them, because she really couldn't be ***** once she got the plans. "Not let that gonna happen", indeed.
For the record, these caves must be incredibly tactically important if the Rikti are planning on bombing the hell out of them despite the residents above. That's also a pretty bastardly thing for the Rikti to do. I mean, there's people living there. They're nameless NPCs so nobody cares about them or their hopes and dreams, BUT ANYWAY. I MEAN, REALLY, WE'RE HERE FOR THE PLAYERS.
If they aren't so bad, surely they must have a justifiable anti-heroic reason for this?! (Hint: No)
We must dive headfirst into this maelstrom of moral crossroads and murky ethics.
So, upon zoning into the mission, the first thing you'll undoubtedly notice is that there's 25 glowies you need to pick up. 25. Two-five. That's a number of bombs I believe that borders on overkill, since (depending upon the make) even a homemade nailbomb can pulverize vital structures. Just one straps of dynamite ducttaped to a gas cans (instead of actual Rikti bombs, you'll note) would do the job far more efficiently, but I guess these NOT ALL BAD aliens operate entirely on the Mythbusters premise of scientific experimentation: If you have a problem, throw explosives at it.
Nah, I think we need more.
Midway through the mission, you'll come across a lone 5th Column MekMan, stuck at level 35 with very outleveled (depending upon your own level) enemies surrounding it. The MekMan has the bio of a Rikti priest, and thus is probably the result of some error or another--but obviously it was an error that was never fixed or even cared about, probably because robots are cool and people like helping the Nazis.
Oh, wait, no! I get it! This is what makes the Rikti cool! They HATE NAZIS!
AND SO DO WE!
AT LEAST, I DO!
For the record, so did the Mafia. And while the mental image of smooth-talking Sicilian aliens in fedoras with tommyguns is officially awesome as hell, it does nothing with the problem at hand.
You rescue him, he simply goes on to say "thankssssssssss" and runs off, smacking into numerous walls along the way to jiggle his circuitry in hopes that he'll eventually find the "not be useless" switch.
your welcomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Now what would the Rikti want with a Nazi robot, anyway?
Why would they even want it?
Well, golly, I'm sure the answers are simple and would never cause any mind-scarring to a precious mind, would it?
After the mission inevitably ends, after you go insane from 25 bombs and accidentally snip a green wire and cause the death of all of society as we know it (you *******), you head back to what's-her-name to inform her about this Nazi robot associating with the evil aliens.
"Thank you very much for stoping that it could have been devistating. Now you said that you ran into a Rikti that helped you? Mar'cer?"
(HE HELPED)
"Hahaha must have gotten herself into some trouble. She is good. Yes one of the few that are. She likes it here but she wants to live here in peace not to take over."
Wait, he's a she? Since when did Mekmen have genders, much less be humanoid enough to pass as androids and gynoids?
Maybe he's a hermaphrodite robot. Transexual robo-Nazi Rikti priest. YES.
THIS MAKES SENSE.
Actually, no it doesn't, but let me just throw the start of the next mission introduction text.
"Well... technically Mar'cer is my step-mum, and I have a half brother. He likes to tease that he is half in more ways than one. Turns out he wen't to rescue Mar'cer and got cought himself. His name is ki-el would you go get him for me."
WHAT.
NO.
WHAT.
NO.
WHAT.
NO.
WHAT.
NO.
WHAAAAAAAT.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
OH GOD THIS IS OFFENDING MY SENSIBILITIES.
MY BRAIN.
MY BRRAAAAIIIIIINNNNNN!
RAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
oh hey a penny
Okay, my previous ranting about the Nazi robot was bull, but this?
Rikti do not work that way. They're not actually aliens! They're mutated humans forced by some...crappy chemical that gave them diarrhea to crap out their souls, or something! Hell, I don't know! But A: they're not actually from space, B: they're not actually aliens, and C: they were never bad to begin with!
Oh, and that's not even getting into the mental images born from a Rikti boinking a human to form a half-Rikti, like Ki-el apparently is.
Don't think about it.
DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.
NO, SERIOUSLY, DON'T.
Aw, dammit, you thought about it. I hate you.
It's your eyes, baby.
With that horrifying canon **** out of the way, the next missions really only go downhill.
Why?
Because testing arcs is for IDIOTS, you. Everyone knows everyone just ***** out masterpieces on their first go. It's a law of inverse awesome--the more you test, the more the final result sucks.
The second mission has a chance of spawning a map in which you simply can't progress at all. You get a wall of rock reminiscent of a door, but with no keys spawning anywhere to open it up. Every time I tackled this mission with a team, the mission would just lock itself up in a desperate attempt to save us.
It saved them. But I was too far gone.
None of the rocks' pleading would ever reach my ears.
Why am I doing this again? Oh, right, because it's fun.
The third mission and the fourth mission are hazier in memory, but I remember them being kill-alls where you need to purge all of the bad Rikti from the planet while you put the good Rikti on their spaceship to send them back to their planet. In the meantime, Cowboy Bebop spends her time on her computer, and Metroid's a pretty cool guy who shoots aliens and doesn't afraid of anything.
For each of these other two missions, you'll get your favorite mind-breaking allies in the transexual robot and the alien/human cosmic horror spawn-thing from the 9001st layer of Hell. Despite the latter being a custom NPC, the "good Rikti step-mom" (which sounds like a classic horror film already) will always spawn at 35 and thus will always get her sorry *** whipped. And when she inevitably does, you will get kicked out of the mission because the author thought making a level-locked minion NPC a required objective was a good thing.
And the kicker?
The failure text doesn't even exist, mostly just placeholders and random "oh well that didn't matter" bullcrap.
The canon woes, sure, those can be brushed aside. But the poor building just cinches it.
A note to all you architects out there?
Test Mode does not amputate your dong. In fact, it strokes that dong ever so softly and lovingly. It reaches down with a single hand and rubs its soft fingers across that desperate member, then unzips those pants and gives you a night to remember. It loves you so much, and if only you would GIVE IT A CHANCE would your rewards not only spread to other people but will also fulfill your love life and remove all unresolved sexual tension ever.
I think I forgot where I was going with this point.
If you are a woman, uh, please disregard that.
JERK MOVES: -5 (25 glowies in the first mission is tolerable. The second mission having a chance of not letting you continue is inexcuseable. The third and fourth missions with underlevel NPCs that you need to protect is beyond even pretending to excuse)
INCOHERENCY: -4 (Complete, if run-on, sentences fill the entire thing. Minor typoes. This is admirable. The only problem is...
RIKTI DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! EVERYTHING IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!)
IRRITATION: -3 (So many things come together to make this arc unwinnable, things that could have been avoided if the author had just TESTED THE DAMN THING)
COMPLETABLE: -5 (Even if you get past the sometimes-impassable second map, you still have to deal with underlevel NPCs getting shot at and easily dying in the third and fourth)
FINAL ANGRY METER: -5
I'm not sure whether I'm glad or not that this arc was taken down. It's a terrible arc to be sure, but what it did for trying to explain the canon was absolutely laughable. On the other hand, the underlevelled hostages and the glitched maps very frequently killed any and all progress.
In the end, well, I guess I should just take it as a compliment. Apparently when I play terrible arcs, authors see it coming and take it down. This just makes my life empty, though. Now what will I do when I'm not sure about facts and I need to waste three hours fighting through terrible writing and design decisions just to make sure I mistyped the proper typo'd word, all with a sliced hand that makes writing incredibly tedious and actually physically painful?
WAIT, I KNOW. I CAN PLAY NON-CRAPPY ARCS.
Well, I'd still be playing it with one hand, but that'll change after this week!
Oh, and now I can post pictures! WHOO!
SUPER SPECIAL SECRET NEXT ARC REVIEW PREVIEW:
Arc Name: Uniocracy of Gray TaskForce Pt. 2
Arc ID: 109495
Quick Review: Worse than the first, without any of the laughable charm. I have no words.
Fixed for you.
