ZERO STARS: The Worst of the Worst of MA
By
airhead,
Posted on: 2009-06-25 17:20 in Mission Architect
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It doesn't sound like he's low-rating arcs just for his own amusement, so I'm ruling out "griefing".
And he doesn't just 0- or 1-star and arc, make a joke, and move on. He'll take the time to explain why he didn't like the arc -- even occasionally offering some suggestions for improvements.
I certainly have gotten low ratings on my arcs, and I would've absolutely preferred a little constructive feedback -- even if it's disguised in a sarcastic critique -- over no feedback at all. How else can I improve myself?
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This is BS. There are plenty of "opportunities" here for people to request reviews to "better themselves."
As for not being griefing, here's what the OP says:
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My latest hobby ever since AE was released was to play through horrible arcs. I don't know why I took on such a pasttime, but I consider it "fun" to do this... As said before, I love to rant, and these all will give me plenty of opportunities to rant! ... I'm sure excited! It'll be fun! And by "fun", I mean "oh god please kill me".
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OP is targeting people to make fun of them. And all the rationalization doesn't change that one basic fact.
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When you publish an arc you are offering it up to the general public, just like publishing any other creative piece. There are people out there who do reviews of terrible movies and revel in the terribleness, just because these "movies" were independently created and are free makes them no less subject to review.
Frankly I would think if authors actually care about their arc they'd appreciate the publicity. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
If they *don't* care about their arc (which I doubt either of the first two do), then they should have kept it in test mode.
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The issue isn't about reviewing arcs released to the general public. The issue is targeting certain arcs with the sole INTENT of making fun of them. No matter how you serve it up, that's griefing.
And if you think any publicity is good publicity, get yourself caught DUI on COPS.
I've honestly been wondering about this myself. I have a thread of my own reviews: Shifting Through Time! In-character Reviews which was a way for me to get arcs involving time travel to play from level 1 to 50. Unfortunately, I didn't get many arc submissions, and many I did get were either too high level, or not actually about time travel. So, I just go through and search for "time travel" or "temporal" or something similar, pick an arc close to my level range, and give it a review unasked.
I'm of two minds about this. Some arcs are bad and the author just made them for one reason or another, or possibly even the author is a younger kid and just doesn't know much about the system. I have written one review that was unrequested and I gave two stars to, among the lowest I've ever publicly rated that was about finding the Legion Ring fron a random custom group along with destroying a random statue for no reason at all.
But, on the other hand: The Architect server is public, and when someone publishes an arc, they are offering it to the public. It's like a movie. When you release it publicly, Movie critics have fair game and many will give a bad review.
As long as this thread sticks to making complete and total fun of the *arc* and not the *architect*, I say fair game.
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As long as this thread sticks to making complete and total fun of the *arc* and not the *architect*, I say fair game.
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This.
Also, this thread is comedy gold.
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The issue isn't about reviewing arcs released to the general public. The issue is targeting certain arcs with the sole INTENT of making fun of them. No matter how you serve it up, that's griefing.
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In the same sense Mystery Science Theater 3000 is griefing. If he was targeting people he'd be griefing under the rules, but he's not, he's targeting arcs. That's a completely different potato.
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And if you think any publicity is good publicity, get yourself caught DUI on COPS.
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I guarantee these arcs will end up with more plays as a result of these reviews than the average 0-1 star fare.
Infatum on Virtueverse
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I've honestly been wondering about this myself. I have a thread of my own reviews: Shifting Through Time! In-character Reviews which was a way for me to get arcs involving time travel to play from level 1 to 50. Unfortunately, I didn't get many arc submissions, and many I did get were either too high level, or not actually about time travel. So, I just go through and search for "time travel" or "temporal" or something similar, pick an arc close to my level range, and give it a review unasked.
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Yeah, I'm waiting for your character to hit 35 before submitting mine for review. May be a while 
Also, you may be able to find some if you search for "Ouroboros" or "Mender", since that's the game's flavour of time travel, I guess (heck, you'll probably hit mine, I don't think I have "time" or "timetravel" in the description).
Players' Choice Awards: Best Dual-Origin Level Range Arc!
It's a new era, the era of the Mission Architect. Can you save the Universe from...
The Invasion of the Bikini-clad Samurai Vampiresses from Outer Space? - Arc ID 61013
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The issue isn't about reviewing arcs released to the general public. The issue is targeting certain arcs with the sole INTENT of making fun of them. No matter how you serve it up, that's griefing.
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Fail.
Griefing would be targeting a specific arc with the intent of publicly giving it a bad review irrespective of the arc's actual quality.
In a way, this is much like libel. Public criticism is only considered wrong if, one, the sole intent of the critic is to do harm to his target's reputation, and two, the criticism is knowingly false. Neither of those apply in this case, so get off your high horse and get over it.
Frankly, this thin-skinned PC business irritates the heck out of me. Your right to not be offended by what I say does not trump my right to say whatever the heck I want, nor anyone else's. You really need to realize that these reviews have a point, admit that they are funny as heck, and, lastly, get over yourself.
Sorry. Normally I wouldn't jump out of the woodwork and lambaste you like this, but this isn't the first time I've seen you jump on someone out of over-sensitive righteous indignation and, frankly, that's a real pet-peeve of mine.
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It would be poetic justice if people zero-starred every arc you ever make.
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And you call him a griefer?
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Your right to not be offended by what I say does not trump my right to say whatever the heck I want, nor anyone else's ... Normally I wouldn't jump out of the woodwork and lambaste you like this, but this isn't the first time I've seen you jump on someone out of over-sensitive righteous indignation and, frankly, that's a real pet-peeve of mine.
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Hey, we agree on something. YOUR right not to be offended by what I say does not trump MY right to say it, either. So get over your pet peeve ... get off YOUR high horse ... and get over YOURself.
The right to speak our opinions here really does cut both ways, my friend. Your not entitled to yours without me being entitled to mine. (And virtually every post in every thread, someone is riding on a high horse, imho.) 
For the record, I like people. I'm friendly. Respective of whether or not I actually know them, I think it's better to be nice to people than to be a jerk. Because of this, I'm not going to be attacking people. Just because I rip their arcs to shreds doesn't mean I don't wish them the best. I'd love to see what other arcs they do and if they're any better.
However, the absolute worst thing you can do to someone is to lie about their talents. NOTHING is worse than people guiding you on with false praise about how it's okay, it's redeemable, only to realize that it was all a lie. Because of this, I'm also going to point specifically as to WHY they're crap. I go through them with multiple characters, several times over. I take notes, I do research. I have people come along with me and ask their opinion as well.
(Especially note the unfunny final ratings section, which are purposefully sans jokes)
I could easily just write "this arc is made of fail, the author is an idiot and needs to die because nothing he do will ever be good", make a few jokes about it, and call it a day.
But that really wouldn't be fair, now, would it?
You want to zero-star my arc? Hey, go right ahead. Arc number's 188971, titled "Avgrunden Oppnas".
Go on, tear it apart. Tell me why you didn't like it. Tell me why you thought it was crap. Make fun of any plot holes and stupid dialogue you find. Lambast the enemy power choices. I'll fix it and make it better.
On that note, new review coming soon-ish. I was looking for a specific arc for a while, couldn't find it. Asked the author about it, and it was petitioned for copyright infringement.
Ah well.
dear galactic_hobo,
your opinion is duly noted
now please ride your railroad car into a black hole
love,
______
Entertaining read. I hope the OP ignores the PC folks and keeps writing these reviews.
qr
As of i15 you can only one-star arcs, yes?
And for a while things were cold,
They were scared down in their holes
The forest that once was green
Was colored black by those killing machines
QR
That's true, but I still like the title of the thread. Just because you cannot zero star arcs anymore, doesn't mean that this thread's title indicates the worst of the worst. The one stars that deserve zero stars.
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SAVE THE STRIPPER
Playthrough Cohorts: @Crasical (please send him well-wishes, he's been traumatized by it)
Arc ID: 5199
Morality: Neutral
Description: The Order of Death have hatched a sinister plot to try to take the world's most valued stripper and horde her for themselves. You must stop them.
Characters used: Henteko Shinzui (Katana/Super Reflexes Scrapper), Argorath (Elec Melee/Energy Aura Brute)
And already this gets to a promising start! The world's most-valued stripper! Man, what a title. What. A. Title. Such prestige!
I mean, sure, there's money and food and clothing and all that stuff, but a stripper? Top priority, man, you just haven't lived until you've seen some jigglies get shaken! Who needs drink when you've got a miniskirt and thighhighs rubbing across your lap?
It's the WORLD'S most-valued stripper, too! Third-world relief? War torn countries? Screwthat! She gets sent in to Etheopia and Afghanistan, that'll raise their hopes!
My God, our military are strategic GENIUSES.
Whoever thought breasts could hold such power.
Someone get president Obama on the line, I've got some better weapons of mass destruction than his namby-pansy nukes!
I'm gettin' pumped up for this! I'm ready! I'm willing!
So I fire up WinAmp and load my theme song, and saunter up to the contact. Yeah, he's smirkin', he knows how badass I am. Decked out in black leather, with black hair, a black trenchcoat, black pants, a black belt, black shoes, black eyes OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN HE REALLY MEANS BUSINESS WITH SO MUCH BLACK. Maybe I should stop being so badass, he'll think...he'll think...I'm trying to UPSTAGE him!
He goes on about how the world needs me to take care of The Order of Chaos... They've kidnapped the world's most-valued stripper... They're hoarding her for themselves... And I must stop them..........
WHOAH-HOAH-HOAH THERE, BUDDY-BOY. I think your OVERFLOW OF PERIODS is just too much EXTREME for my brain to handle. In fact, one more period and I think I'll explode! Wait, I already used two. Make that thre--BOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Hah hah don't worry that was just me saying boom.
Anyway, of course I have time to rescue a stripper. What do you take me for, a NON-hero? Psssh.
I'm told that the boss of the Order is named The Boss, and that he is known to hang out in abandoned office buildings. Wait. Wait wait wait. The Order is named...The Order...and the boss is named The Boss?
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
WAIT.
WAIT.
Okay, I don't get it.
I suppose I'll just miss out on the genius, but I am but a lowly bit player paying $15 a month to play craptacular arcs. Who cares what I miss out on?
So I enter the mission and round the corner, and...oh. There she is.
Right at the start of the mission.
Well, okay. I rescue her, mission should be over, right? Except, no, she isn't, because of the crazy laws of the planet world that requested my assistance. For some reason, finding the stripper and escorting her to the door doesn't actually count as "saving" her. Turns out this mission is a Kill-All, clearly because every single bit of them has a part of her stripper essence on them and must be exterminated before they either:
A: Make clones of her.
B: Pass around interaction with her as signs of divinity.
C: Kidnap her again with the information they currently have learned.
D: Fap.
So I go further into the mission, and eventually I come face to face with The Order itself. And as soon as I see their terrifying visage, I get an epiphany. Now I realize the problem with this arc.
This arc isn't the author's fault at all. No, no.
In fact, I think the author is a perfectly normal and natural human being, and this was made by his puppy.
You see, there are no costumes for every single member of The Order. Everyone has a pre-made dev-designed preset costume. There are a few minor tweaks here and there, but otherwise every single costume is devoid of any and all human touch.
Oh, you poor man! I can only wonder how your head exploded when presented with all the different costume options! I can only wonder how you collapsed on the ground, gibbering and writhing as your baby puppy then trampled all over the keyboard, making all the rest of the mission! I hope your recovery is swift, sir! I know this arc isn't representative of your true potential, and I don't blame you a single bit for what your cute pet has wrought upon our unwitting human hordes!
Regardless, each of The Order is composed of completely random powersets chained together, which I suppose befits their Chaos nature. Not their Deathly nature, which was in the description and I assure you is completely ridden with false advertising.
Death? Them? I scoff at you! I SCOFF at you! They're not deadly at all! They're simply misunderstood young ruffians with questionable tastes in incredibly tight clothing and a misfortune of the stripper following them like lost puppies when all they wanted was just a companion for ice cream?
Oh-ho-ho-ho, they're actually really nice people once you get to know them. Death isn't at all in their desires!
At least, that's what I want to say until they pretty much killed me dead. I mentioned before that their powersets are completely random, without any semblence of rhyme or reason at all. They don't even have descriptions for it to chain it all together. They have Rad Blast/Rad Manip minions, Dual Blade/Ninjutsu minions, Grav Control/Ninjutsu LTs, Battle Axe/Fiery Aura LTs, Bots/Ninjutsu bosses, and that's just in one run-through! Ninjutsu is AWESOME! YEAH! 'Cause it was on Naruto, or something! YEAH!
And to further amp up the EXTREEEEEME factor, every single one of these powersets are set up to EXTREEEEEEME. Because nothing's more awesome than being Placated with Smoke Bomb, or having loads upon loads of Caltrops whittle you to death.
YEAH.
YEEEEEEEAH.
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH.
ow dammit my foot.
And what's the end of this fun romp guiding you throughout the chaos of this NOT-DEATH Order?
An Arch-Villain. Because everyone knows that's one of the best things a player could wish for. In fact, I know of several teams in which we were playing through arcs and they said "You know what would make this better? An ARCH-VILLAIN". Everyone loves Arch-Villains, and in fact, I think if there was an arc composed entirely of just Arch-Villain after Arch-Villain, people would be five-starring that sucker like no tomorrow. They're, like, the culmination of everything people love about the game.
Oh, and he's Plant Control/Martial Arts. Two of the COOLEST powersets ever.
In the end, what's to say about this arc? It's horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. Not a single bit of dialogue throughout the entire thing, none of the enemies have description, and your only reward at the end of it all is a "Whoo! You did it!"-esque message which provides no closure whatsoever.
If you had to choose between playing this arc and getting stabbed eightteen times with glass knives and then getting shot in the kneecaps while Rick Astley-playing boomboxes are shoved forcefully into your ear, then...uh...well, play this arc, I guess.
It doesn't really hurt you physically.
Just mentally.
And spiritually.
JERK MOVES: -3 (Surprisingly few, but they hurt. A couple Ninjutsu minions are bad enough, but the Ninjutsu lies in the majority. Unless you have +perception, you're going to be getting surprised a lot--and be hunting down the final mobs to satisfy the Kill All)
INCOHERENCY: -2 (Who is The Order? Who is The Boss? Why are the stripper's boobs known 'round the world? No glaring plot holes, but hundreds of questions are left unanswered)
IRRITATION: -4 (Nothing is given even remotely any thought as to balance, playability, or tact. Powersets are just crammed in and amped to extreme for the hell of it)
COMPLETABLE: -1 (A little patience goes a long way. Easily completable, though not for every build--non-melee ATs will have a hell of a time)
FINAL ANGER RATING: 2
Not very angry, honestly. The coolest thing about having an arc without any semblence of dialogue at all is that I can put my own words where descriptions and text balloons should be.
Radiated Killer: OH NO. WE ARE CURRENTLY IN A GREAT HEAPS BIG AMOUNT OF TROUBLE.
Chaos Robot: WHY IS THAT, MY SUSPICIOUSLY BLACK-AND-GREY-BUT-GREEN-GLOWING COMRADE?
Radiated Killer: IT IS BECAUSE OF THE TOTALLY WORLD-FAMOUS STRIPPER WE HAVE CURRENTLY BEEN IN HOLD OF.
Chaos Robot: YES, SHE IS A SIGNIFICANTLY STRIPPING WOMAN WITH A KNOWLEDGE OF STRIP. PLUS, SHE'S HOT.
Radiated Killer: NO, YOU HANDSOME AND MANLY FOOL OF FOOLISHNESS. SHE MEANS OUR DOOM!
Chaos Robot: I AM IN DISBELIEF OF THIS ACCUSATION YOU ARE PRESENTING.
Henteko Shinzui: I AM ENACTING GOLDEN DRAGONFLY, DONGHEADS!
Both: OH GOD IT BURNS IT BURNS BUT WITH STEEL BLADES!
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
ROFLMAOcopter!!!!
That review is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I can't wait for the next review.
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Negative ratings sound good, thanks--edited previous post to include them.
HOT DATE (GUYS ONLY)
Playthrough Cohorts: @Crasical, @El D, @Crimson Ripfang
Arc ID: 229681
Morality: Neutral
Description: go ask Ashley on a date
Characters used: Laevinus (Broadsword/Shield), Argorath (Elec Melee/Energy Aura)
Right, then.
Sit down, boys.
It's time we have...the talk.
This is a T-rated game, for Teens (and not for Ta-tas as some chest-sliders would have you believe), and so some of you are probably around that age already.
You may notice strange feelings when you look at the fairer sex, with fair beings known only as "women". Feelings that you've never experienced before. Feelings that you like experiencing, and want to expand further on. Feelings that make you want to make a girl character with the aforementioned chest-slider all the way to the right.
These feelings are perfectly natural. These feelings are understandable, and occur in many young lads as they grow up. This is called "sexual attraction". You're noting that girls do not, in fact, have cooties.
The age-old ritual of "circle, circle; dot, dot; now you've got the cootie shot"? Yeah, that actually gave you cancer instead.
It's a strange and a brand new world out there! With its own individual rules and rituals, with codes of conduct in foreign languages that scholars have been debating back and forth for years!
Now go talk to your parents about the rest.
There's a reason I started off with that spiel, which I'll go into later. As for now, let's cut the unfunny documentary crap and get straight into the arc.
The contact identifies himself right away as "Ashley's Dad", a diminuitive sort of man who, much like the contact in the previous arc, dresses himself in all black. Except it's almost all black, because we all know that fathers are the fogey sorts that simply can't be cool--he wears his badges of shame in both a white tie and white hair, which permanently brand him along with the "un-hip" and "anti-dope" crowds.
Why? SHUT YOUR MOUTH is why. Black is EDGY, white is DREDGY. Learn it, love it, live it.
Ashley's Dad, however, has clearly been on a drinking binge. He comes to me lamenting that his little daughter has been going out with a boy that he doesn't like. This is all well and fascinating, good sir, but I'm afraid you've confused me with your wife. Or perhaps someone with an actual interest in your daughter. Or perhaps someone that's interested in your daughter if she was single and not going out with a boyfriend.
...
Sha-wing! Consider me interested!
Ashley's father continues his heartwrenching tale, all summed up in the span of a single sentence: "my little girl is going out with a boy i dont like i need you to scare him off".
Punctuation? Capital letters? Who needs those in a world where you move fast, fast, fast! Nevermind that Ashley's dad is just standing there as an AE concept--his HEART and his MIND move faster! He's worried about his little baby girl, damn you! How could you be so heartless as to question his grammar in such trying situations?!
His heart is heavy and his eyes weary with all the tears he ever could cry in his lifetime, and he sobs out his final request before sinking back into his drunken haze. I need to scare him off! Normal fathers would simply give their daughters a stern talking-to, or would show up with a gun to the boyfriend's house, or pass around the baby pictures. But this man is so desperate that he relies on someone just right off the street in order to rescue his beautiful baby girl.
I'm assuming she's named Alice, he never told me anything.
How can I do anything else other than accept?
So I accept.
"kick Ashleys boyfriends butt" the nav text pipes in helpfully.
A-BUH-BUH-BUH-WHAAAA? Sir, I object to this! Now I'm hesitant! I was just told to scare him off! You take me for some sort of barbaric barbarian, who would just charge around and swing my foot around like a magnet attracted by metal in the rear? That would be very inconvenient for walking!
And immoral, since people usually don't ask for boots up the bum.
Regardless, I have no choice but to continue and try to save Athena, since otherwise I would have to quit the mission. And I'm not going to do that because screw you, I have better things to do than just lounge around in the AE lobby, wondering what happened if I didn't quit.
Entering the mission, I find myself in the wide-open area of Perez Park. No complaints here, it's a pretty under-used map. The map itself is crawling with baddies, though, as per every other map with every other arc. Every single one of these enemies are simply one enemy, "Punk" of the faction "Ex Boyfriend's Mob".
Ohhhhhh, now I see why Ashley's Dad was so concerned about Alysha hooking up with this man. He's a part of the MAFIA! A mafia where everyone is about four feet tall, looks like a young kid, and weilds invisible guns!
All of the enemies are AR, of some indeterminate secondary--interestingly enough, they seem to just plain stop attacking whenever I get into melee range. Clearly, my character is so awesome that they emit an aura of funk and pimp. Whoever is unlucky enough to step into the range of this aura promptly gets overwhelmed as I stand there, jamming to an invisible tune. Maybe Kamelot or something.
Here's a hypothetical scenario:
Me: [walking around, jamming to an invisible tune that may be Kamelot or something]
Punk: HOLY CRAP WHAT ARE YOU DOING. [pull out invisible guns and shoot invisible bullets]
Me: [gets hit and takes invisible wounds] Aw hell naw. [steps, like, one inch closer]
Punk: OH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT. [drop their guns and just stand there]
Me: [/em dance4]
Punk: WE CAN'T HIT HIM. HE MUST HAVE SUPERHUMAN REFLEXES.
I hereby declare to Castle that we need a new power in the game, called Aura of Funk.
Trekking through the map quickly becomes repetitive, as every single group in the map is composed of the same batch of Punks--there's not a single difference in fighting styles, powersets, tactics, or whatever. No LTs or bosses, simply the same single minion spread across in a wide vast cloning conspiracy that would put Dolly's little sheepy heart to shame.
What DOES break up the repetition, however, are several barrels strewn about the map as destructable objets. Except, no, they're apparently not barrels--info says "a big rock that looks fun to destroy". I wasn't aware that rocks were metal, cylindrical, and rusted, but who am I to argue with the laws of nature? And if it's fun to destroy, then let's get to destroyin'!
Except, no. If you are at all existant in the world of reality, then you know that punching a rock until it breaks is not too feasable an idea. This is apparently on the mind of the author as well, as the quote-unquote "Barrel" cons friendly. And why shouldn't it be? Me and Barrel have gone through so much together! We hit the bars on Fridays, pick up chicks on Saturday, head to church on Sunday, and then drive home together. Barrel's a pretty horrible driver, though--I've been trying to teach him, but he just...he just doesn't learn. It's like he doesn't even want to listen.
(For the record, this is what a proper rock looks like. Get learned)
Because "Barrel" cons friendly, it's going to be difficult to actually defeat him. Every attack to meet it head-on with a melee only replies with "INVALID TARGET". So I get around it and Lightning Rod the stupid thing to death, and my reward for the endeavor?
[NPC] Barrel: you destroied a rock you must ne dumb
...
God DAMN IT.
Oh, and fun times to be had by all, because the rock wasn't a required objective. It was just something extra (I use that term very loosely) to destroy to entertain the mission-player. Because, also existant in the world of reality, punching rocks is something done for fun and extra credit.
What IS a required objective is for me to buy a rose for Annabel, which is done in a glowie of...an ancient Circle of Thorns obelisk. Because who needs vendors for getting a rose, or even a pot, or a garden in Perez Park! Perez is known for many things, but none of which is flowers. The only answer? An ancient forbidden Circle of Thorns ceremony to access a Hell far beyond even Dante's own comprehension!
He could only WISH he could include a Hell of Pretty Flowers in the Divine Comedy.
Buying a rose promptly spawns two other required objectives, identified on the Nav as "Ashley" and "Danny".
WAIT, ASHLEY?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAAAAAATTTTT? Since when has the girl had a name?! I am shocked and FLOORED by this twist of expectations that nobody could ever have foreseen even if they had foreseeing abilities!
Yes, it turns out that Ashley is the girl that we're supposed to rescue, and she ends up as a buxom blonde in leather with large breasts, thighhigh heeled boots, and the Eden top underneath the coat so it looks like she's absolutely topless. Rescuing her gets her following you in grand parade of manliness, assuming your character is a man, as you have this **** chasing you around without any pity for her previous situation or that she was getting ganged up on by her boyfriend's buddies.
Danny, on the other hand, is a generic Elite Boss with Thugs, and a plethora of generic one-liners that talk about how you're strong but he's stronger, or that you're stronger than you look, or how you still won't win despite your stronger strength. His mutilations of the English language at the start and end of each combat are something to note, though:
[NPC] Danny : Hay Ashley Wuna go out?
[NPC] Danny : Hay back off my girl loser.
[NPC] Danny : Bring it
[defeat Danny]
[NPC] Danny : Ashley y are you going out with this loser
Yes, before you actually combat him, Danny is deliriously talking to the air in the vain hopes that his girlfriend is nearby, composed of magic pixie dust straight from Disney movies that take his words and fly them straight to her on fairy wings. And what he says when you beat him is the same whether or not you actually have Ashley with you, so he may as well be talking to your groin--whether or not you name your dong Ashley is something I've really no interest in learning, though I'd be a little concerned at his own fascination with it.
The kicker, though? You can't deliver Ashley to the exit, so that the mission can end. All that work, all that effort, all that time spent, and all for nothing--because of some sort of glitch or malicious game design, the actual marker that you need to deliver Ashley to is BELOW the map...and more specifically, BELOW the exit zone! There is no way to deliver Ashley to the exit, no way to finish the mission, and having tried it three different times with different people all provides the same result.
Thus, we'll never know the final results of how this plays out. Ashley's Dad will be doomed to forever standing in a single place with that blank look on his face, begging a passerby as to rescuing his daughter. Danny will be constantly talking to the air as he slips slower and slower into madness, constantly at sexual highs and lows from being in the same room with a topless girl and getting punched in the face from players. And Ashley will get diabetes or something, I dunno.
It's a mystery that will never be closed, and the world suffers for it.
A tragedy on the level of Romeo and Juliet, to be sure. Shakespeare, your tears are wasted.
JERK MOVES: -1 (The destructable objects flag as friendly and berate you once you actually defeat them. Regardless, they're not actually required objectives, which rank this jerk move pretty low)
INCOHERENCY: -4 (Not a single sentence is without mangled letters, admirably performing with all that remains of their spirit despite their abuse at the hands of a thoughtless master)
IRRITATION: -3 (There're only two types of enemies, minions and a single EB. Neither of them are really "cheap" at all, though the Gang War on the EB may cause troubles for non-melee ATs. The open map and the lengthy-as-crap hunts will be your bane, though)
COMPLETEABLE: -5 (Incompletable, plain as day. Unless you have a stroke of godly divinity or access to the dev tools right in front of you, you just can't complete this)
FINAL ANGRY METER: 5
This actually got me a smidge angry. The fact that it's incompletable by itself is enough to get me pretty riled, but it's also apparently an objective fantasy for whoever the author was. The sexually idealized girl, combined with how Danny is in absolute shock that he's bested, combined with Ashley's swooning over your power, combined with how you're apparently the only person Ashley's Dad trusts enough to get to do this, all points to a single result.
Whoever the author is, Ashley is someone in his life that he lusts after. Danny is someone that has her, and he doesn't. This is an obvious power fantasy, something that allows him to feel the aforementioned jollies of his first girl encounter, so that he can have the girl and deny "Danny" of what's his own.
It's horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. And I feel angry and dirty for having played it.
NOTE:
Please send @Crasical well-wishes again:
[Tell] @Crasical: Hey, don't ever let me proofread something for you again.
[Tell] --> @Crasical: Hrn? Why?
[Tell] @Crasical: Me: "Hmm, The team's doing pretty good. Let me alt tab out and read this."
[Tell] @Crasical: Me: "Hahah, This is pretty funny. Cootie shots. Hah. Wait, what's this." *tabs back*
[Tell] @Crasical: Team: *Burning and dying* D: OH GOD, THE ARCHON IS A WARWOLF AND THE MARKSMEN ARE LEGION. ABANDON HOPE.
[/ QUOTE ]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"(For the record, this is what a proper rock looks like. Get learned)" ---> LOVE THE 'ROCK'!!!!
This review is freakin amazing!!!
[ QUOTE ]
You want to zero-star my arc? Hey, go right ahead. Arc number's 188971, titled "Avgrunden Oppnas".
Go on, tear it apart. Tell me why you didn't like it. Tell me why you thought it was crap. Make fun of any plot holes and stupid dialogue you find. Lambast the enemy power choices. I'll fix it and make it better.
[/ QUOTE ]
Actually, I would never seek out your arc to zero or one star it. That would be griefing. I just said it would be "poetic justice" if people zero-starred your arcs. I never said or would advocate that anyone do that.
The trouble I have with this thread is that you're seeking out people who have already gotten bad reviews and are actively seeking to "kick them while they're already down" for a few laughs and giggles. Doesn't sound very heroic to me ... but admittedly this is also City of Villians, so you have every right to be as evil as you want to be.
[ QUOTE ]
dear galactic_hobo,
your opinion is duly noted
now please ride your railroad car into a black hole
love,
______
[/ QUOTE ]
Talk about disappearing into a black hole. 
By either design or accident, not only do you leave your signature blank but your made up forum name invisible, too.
You have actually managed to cover up a FICTIONAL name. Why would anyone do that? (This has to be a glitch in my computer.)
Anyway, thanks for the great laugh.
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
dear galactic_hobo,
your opinion is duly noted
now please ride your railroad car into a black hole
love,
______
[/ QUOTE ]
Talk about disappearing into a black hole. By either design or accident, not only do you leave your signature blank but your made up forum name invisible, too.
You have actually managed to cover up a FICTIONAL name. Why would anyone do that? (This has to be a glitch in my computer.)
Anyway, thanks for the great laugh.
[/ QUOTE ]
I always think of that forum-goer as "underscore underscore underscore underscore underscore underscore"
[ QUOTE ]
I always think of that forum-goer as "underscore underscore underscore underscore underscore underscore"
[/ QUOTE ]
I always think of the sound of an EKG flatlining when I see it. Rather disturbing actually.
Infatum on Virtueverse
Here are a few stinkers I came across in my now-forgotten review thread...
Arc #172576: Eternal Legion Task Force #1 Awful in every way imaginable
Arc 64537: The Great War of Paragon: Makes no sense at all, EBs without warning
Arc 139281: Ghost Widow's Strike Force: Insanely hard, poor writing
[ QUOTE ]
Talk about disappearing into a black hole. By either design or accident, not only do you leave your signature blank but your made up forum name invisible, too.
You have actually managed to cover up a FICTIONAL name. Why would anyone do that? (This has to be a glitch in my computer.)
Anyway, thanks for the great laugh.
[/ QUOTE ]
ha ha!
yes, my name is fu nny!
i am so glad you enjoyed it!
I didn't find these reviews as funny as many of you did (I think he's trying too hard; relax just a wee bit dude and you'll find it's better), but they're certainly don't suck and I did chuckle here and there.
And I do support this man's search for the bad - see, the trouble with bad arcs is that so often the authors don't bother to include any writing at all. Bad design ("Ninjitsu for everyone!") is one thing, but to break out into the realms of so-bad-it's-funny, there need to be words. Words to misspell, syntax to mangle, grammer to be ignored and sense to be absent.
Back before AE hits the streets, there was talk on these boards about finding our Ed Woods and it looks like they just might turn up in this thread sooner or later.
Being an Ed Wood fan, I look forward to this.
My own explorations in tracking down the AE Wood usually turn up little of note, more along the so-bad-it's-forgettable. So godspeed to this brave man in his quest to find the grade Z arcs!
(Regarding the "you're griefing" issue, I think it would be unfair to tell players we can't post negative comments about arcs we didn't like. And that Venture fellow would be gone so fast our collective heads would spin like a balanced plate on a stick...)
[ QUOTE ]
Back before AE hits the streets, there was talk on these boards about finding our Ed Woods and it looks like they just might turn up in this thread sooner or later.
[/ QUOTE ]
*Points at sig*
I've had good feedback on that one, YMMV.
Players' Choice Awards: Best Dual-Origin Level Range Arc!
It's a new era, the era of the Mission Architect. Can you save the Universe from...
The Invasion of the Bikini-clad Samurai Vampiresses from Outer Space? - Arc ID 61013
[ QUOTE ]
You want to zero-star my arc? Hey, go right ahead. Arc number's 188971, titled "Avgrunden Oppnas".
[/ QUOTE ]
Please tell me you wrote an arc in Swedish. (ICYW, that means 'the abyss opens'.) I am going to have to seek this out.
<《 New Colchis / Guides / Mission Architect 》>
"At what point do we say, 'You're mucking with our myths'?" - Harlan Ellison
Ahem.
BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
aahahahahahahahaAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAahaaaah ah ah a ha
hhhaaah ah ah... a hah... hah... heh
Well played, good sir. My coworkers are now questioning my mental stability.
Moreso than usual. Do continue.