Rules for Arachnos Soldiers

• Must not suggest inappropriate uses for The Web to Regent Korol again.
• If I thought of it, and it's not what The Web is already used for, it's probably inappropriate.
• Do not kick Regent Korol's Spiderlings.
• Baldness is not a super-power, I should stop insisting that Arbiter Rein be classified as a metahuman.
• I am not allowed to create four additional Jade Spiders and modify them to combine into one larger machine.
• Must not encourage fellow soldiers to try things they saw in cartoons.
• Especially not while maintaining The Web.

-I must not talk about animal rights in relation to Lord Recluse's fur collar.
-Even if it is made of 100% Minx.
-Taking a leak on the Lord Recluse statue on duty is not a good idea.
-Even if the nearest toilet is on the top floor of the Arachnos Tower.
-I am not allowed paint go-faster stripes on the Arachnos Flyer.
-Or hotrod flames.
-Or bunnies.
-Or flaming bunnies and go-faster stripes.

• Not allowed to call Lord Recluse "Awesome McBetterthaneveryone".
• Even though Lord Recluse is, in fact, better than everyone.
• I may not instigate riots in the Etoile Islands.
• I may, however, instigate riots in Paragon City.
• May only instigate riots in Paragon City while not in uniform.
• Tight pants are not something that the people of Paragon City typically riot over.
• Neither are wet T-shirt contests.
• Or a lack of wet T-shirt contests.
• Arbiter Rein is not a rock n' roll rebel.
• There is a great deal of paperwork which needs to be filled out within Arachnos, but none of it ever involves lists of the sexual deviancies I suspect my superiors of participating in.
• Even if I have proof.
• Must not spread rumors about my superiors.
• Arachnos Drones do not have remote controls, and if they did, I would not be allowed access to them.
• Must not call the Wolf Spiders "cannon fodder", even if they are.
• Must not call the Fortunatas "brain sisters", it creeps them out.
• When Mind Linked with a Fortunata, must not think things specifically selected to creep her out.
• Not allowed to make dirty jokes about Mind Linking.
• Not allowed to make dirty jokes about anything.

I am not authorized to play City of Heroes on an Arachnos computer.
I am not authorized to play City of Heroes on any computer!
I AM authorized to play City of Villains, but only on my personal computer and only when my shift is over.
I am not authorized to preorder Going Rogue on an Arachnos computer.
I AM authorized to preorder Going Rogue on a personal computer, but only if I promise to only make my Hero characters go rogue.
Since I do not have any Hero characters, I am not authorized to preorder Going Rogue.

-It's not appropriate to ask if Lord Recluse can spin webs, because he can't.

-When told that Lord Recluse cannot spin webs, it's really not appropriate to ask "What kind of Superpower is having spider legs growing out of your back anyway? I mean, Statesman can shoot lighting. You got the short end of the "Magical Well of Godlike Power" Spidey."

-Corollary- Lord Recluse does not like to be called Spidey.

-One does not hum the "Spiderman" theme anywhere in Grandville.

-Or "The Itsy Bitsy Spider".

-Especially not the Itsy Bitsy Spider.

-This has nothing to do with any "manhood" issues Lord Recluse may be dealing with.

-When Captain Mako asks you to get back some of his teeth, that doesn't mean "Make a Necklace out of them."

-Hiding a Ghost Trap, Soul Gem, or any sort of spirit trapping device somewhere Ghost Widow may find it is a good way to get your neck snapped by Wretch.

-Upon learning the Wretch's tragic backstory, you may be tempted to give him a comforting hug. The last person to try this is now a Tarantula.

It's not a good idea to refer to Lord Recluse as "Nemesis Lite"

1. Not allowed to requisition tarantula armor in a size fitting my girlfriend.
2. Not even just for the weekend.
3. Not allowed to sniff the Facemaker's Eidolons and ask "Who died?"
4. Am not allowed to tell Gorgeous Glenda to "Stop picking at it."
5. Nor ask how her chemotherapy is going.
6. My arachnobots and spiderlings do not unite into the Defender of the Universe.
6 B. I should stop attempting to loot Malta robots for the parts to accomplish 6.
6 C. Even if they did, I would not form the head.
7. Even if we have the same number of limbs, I am not allowed to try to teach the Arachnoids how to ballroom dance.
7 B. And for the love of all that is unholy, I should not teach them the Macarana.
8. Ambassador Kuhr'rekt is not going to probe me and throw me in the basement.
9. Am not allowed to see if The Web allows us to get PPV channels for free.
10. Claiming a chastity belt as an opperation expense is not allowed.
10 B. Spectral Pirates do not want to 'plunder my booty.'
10 C. Nor are Red Caps 'after me lucky charms.'
10 D. Warshades in the Rikti War Zone are not going to molest me with their tentacles.
10 E. Not even if my kilt matches my spider leg backpack.
10 F. Perseverance in attempting to justify expenses will result in Kalinda replacing key people in my memories with Barney the Dinosaur.
11. After teaming with Peacebringers in the RWZ I do need need to be medically examined to check for cysts.
12. Nictus are not contageous.
13. Peacebringer and Warshade hosts do not have "A scorching case of Kheldians."
14. Still not allowed to requisition tarantula armor in my girlfriend's size.
15. Even if her religion dictates we have to have the same number of limbs.
16. Am not allowed to order cavity searches on suspicious civilians to see if they're smuggling spiderlings.
17. Having to wear pants while on duty is not a Nemesis Plot.
18. No matter where I convince Masterminds to use it, Howling Twilight cannot bring back Disco.
19. Grandville does not transform into a giant, world-destroying robot, and as such I should stop looking for the button that triggers it.
20. My commander does not want to hear about my girlfriend's Dr. Aeon/Dr. Aeon slash fiction.
21. I cannot threaten to read it to him until I am allowed to requisition that set of tarantula armor.
22. My cybernetic spider legs are not for opening stubborn bottles of beer.
23. The proper procedure when someone is choking the mess hall does not involve use of the Omega Maneuver.
24. The Omega Maneuver is not to be used as a paperweight, a lawn orniment or, "a really cool hat".
25. Must not paint my arachnosbots/spiderlings festive colors
25 B. International Seizure Inducement Day is not a holiday.
26. My spiderlings can not haz cheezburger.
27. Cannot attempt to form the Greater Grandville Crab Spider Choir.
28. Or any other choir for that matter.
29. Am not allowed to replace Grandville elevator doors with the tops of Little Tykes sandboxes.
29 B. Even if they do look like spray painted black and given the proper logo.
30. Black Scorpion does not have extendable limbs, and they do not activate by saying "Go Go Gadget Arms!"
31. Taking up a collection to buy Ghost Widow a gift card to a tanning salon as a Christmas gift is a good way to have my soul forcibly removed from my body.
32. While a lost soul parted from my body I am not allowed to show my loyalty to Arachnos by selflessly guarding the Night Widow locker room day and night.
32 B. Even if I can somehow take a camcorder with me.
33. The Wolf, Crab, and Bane Spiders are equal opportunity employers with regards to gender. I should not insinuate things about Helga, our new German squadmate.
34. When attempting to recruit for our branch of Arachnos forces, I am not allowed to entice new recruits by stating that male Night Widows have a weekly ration of Estrogen.
35. Black Scorpion's armor does not include a 'kickin' stereo system.'
36. No matter how festive it is, the sculpture in the center of Aeon City is not to be made into a snow globe, ever.
37. There is no Wolf Spider mandate to chase catgirls up trees.
38. My cybernetic spider limbs do not allow me to construct a "Web of Love."
39. I am not anyone's Praetorian Counterpart.
40. They are not "Fur Bulge" "Fear Bilge" or "Happy Gaelic Fun Men."
41. Tuatha da Dannan are not made of moldy yogurt.
41 B. Even if they do smell like it.
42. Wretch does not smell the blood of an Englishman, though he may well grind my bones to make his bread.
43. Pants do not take away Captain Mako's powers.
44. Night Widows are allowed to wear waist capes. This does not mean that I am allowed to wear a chest cape.
44 B. Even THINKING the term crotch cape will result in scrubbing Web walkways for a week.
45. Captain Mako does not grant "Super Seasickness" as a patron power, even if that's what it looks like.
45 B. Using Bile Spray will not result in a free sick day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by reiella Until I see something that states to the contrary, going to assume VK is right .

46. Eating at Taco Bell does not grant me 30 uses of Choking Cloud.
B. I am not to add Choking Cloud to my list of known powers and abilities.
C. Eating Broccoli, eggs, and garlic is not "Slotting up my Choking Cloud for Damage and Hold Procs"
47. If Captain Mako falls in battle alongside of me, standard operating procedure for a non-functional mediport is to get him to the nearest Mu Mystics for healing, not flushing him down the loo.
48. I am not a lean, mean, green god of war.
B. Or a god of love.
C. Or things stuck in a drawer.
49. I am not a deity of any sort.
50. Not even is a weird butch chick with ugly blue dogs asks if I am.
51. Should not spread rumors that Kalinda is secretly Hilary Clinton underneath the helmet.
52. Fortunata and Mu helmets are neither lampstands, coffee table legs, or foot stools and I should stop treating them as such.
53. My crab spider backpack does not allow me to give hugs beyond the capacity of any mortal man.
54. The voices in my head are only a part of my chain of command if I am on operations with a Fortunata.
55. Mentally reciting "The Song That Doesn't End" while mindlinked is considered a war crime.
B. Doing so for more than two minutes may get me executed.
56. Genetic re-engineering and cosmetic surgery assures all Tarantula Mistresses have superior vision. They do not need glasses.
B. Nor if any one of them happens to wear glasses are they to be known by the nickname "Sixteen eyes."
C. Further queries about being able to requisition a set of tarantula armor for my girlfriend will be immediately met with disembowelment.
D. Further queries about being able to requisition a set of tarantula armor, period, will be immediately met with disembowelment.
57. Even if I think they have dreadlocks, this does not mean that I can state Arachnobot Drones were manufactured in Jamaca.
B. If through some strange quirks of fate I happen to be commanding several Drones and assigned to prevent a radio transmission from taking place, I am not allowed to give a report of my current operations as 'We jammin'."
58. I am not allowed to call my spiderlings Facehuggers.
B. Even if I teach them to hug face.
C. Teaching my spiderlings to hug face does not mean an Arachnobot Drone will burst from the victim's chest several hours later.
59. Watching professional wrestling does not qualify as combat training.
60. If I EVER visit a Facemaker surgeon to try something out "For the weekend" absolutely no one is interested in hearing about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by reiella Until I see something that states to the contrary, going to assume VK is right .

These are all great! People at work are wondering why I'm laughing so hard. And, in the spirit of all of these, I came up with a similar list for the other side. Without further ado...

Things I Am No Longer Permitted to do in Longbow

- Referring to Ms. Liberty as "the prude with the sword" is grounds for dismissal
- Especially in front of Statesman
- Back Alley Brawler does not appreciate his gauntlets being referred to as "Power Gloves (TM)"
- Asking an Illusion Warden to summon decoys "so we can start a pick-up basketball game"
- Manticore's teleport arrows are not to be used while on garbage disposal duty
- Thoughts about Sister Psyche and Aurora Boreallis wrestling in a pool full of pudding should be curtailed around Sister Psyche
- Or Aurora Boreallis, for that matter
- Replacing the fuel canister of a flamethrower with marshmallow cream
- Nullifers prefer actual assault weapons, not Super Soakers (TM)
- Hanging Christmas decorations from a Spines Warden
- Changing my uniform colors to pink and white "because the Pink Power Ranger was cooler" is against regulations
- Asking Mynx if she's going to be Catwoman this Halloween might be met with some hostility
- Longbow uniforms are not claw-proof
- Castle does not appreciate you running through the Portal Corporation courtyard shouting "King me!"
- Hiding Azuria's car keys
- Positron will not cook microwave popcorn for you in his suit. No matter how many times you ask
- Asking Synapse if he is the guy from the Micro Machines commercials
- The Woodsman does not like to be referred to as "Zamfir"
- Posting signs labeled "Free Jell-o Shots!" at the entrance to the Hive will not be permitted. Again.
- Asking Lt. Tendaji to use Deflection Shield "so I don't get rain on my new boots" is not a good way to make a first impression
- While on duty in the Rikti War Zone, avoid referring to the Vanguard as "Longbow Dark Jedis"
- Asking the Lady Grey if her dad is "Earl Grey"
- In Overbrook, repeatedly telling people you are the "Dam Tour Guide" will result in latrine duty
- As will asking people if they have any "Dam Questions"
- Police drones should not be used to dispose of unwanted couches
- Captain Deitrich has heard every WMD joke. Yes, all of them.
- Asking Manticore "Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?" may result in large parts of your childhood memories mysteriously vanishing
- Medical Teleporters are not to be used to get out of a bad date early
- Sunstorm does not like take-out from Red Lobster
- While in Firebase Zulu, I am no longer allowed to ask General Hammond if he's the guy who played Scully's dad
- Tossing government equipment off the edge of a floating island in the Shadow Shard to see how long it takes to land at the bottom
- Asking Calvin Scott if he has 'technically' been in a threesome
- Vanguard DPO soldiers are not like the Queen's Guard. They will shoot if you taunt them.
- Asking Fake Nemesis robots to sing "I'm A Little Teapot"
- Using broken Nemesis Jaegers as fondue pots
- Using KY Jelly as a substitute for Hamidon Goo when crafting recipes for the Freedom Phalanx
- Refer to any Storm Wardens by the nickname "Johnny Raincloud"
- Ask Swan if she uses Fulcrum Shift before stepping on the bathroom scale "to feel better about herself"
- Using Chasers to perform high-speed flybys of the Atlas statue
- Telling Infernal he'd probably be more effective with a chainsaw
- Asking Citadel to 'do the robot'
- Doing the robot in front of Citadel
- Suggesting that Luminary would have been a great Austin Powers Fembot
- Tell Blue Steel any Chuck Norris facts
- Tell Blue Steel any Blue Steel facts
- Talk to Blue Steel ever again without the need for serious reconstructive surgery

Making my ninjas dance in a circle around Arbiter Hayes is strictly forbidden.

Yelling "Moo! I'm a cow! Moo!" while within earshot of an Arbiter will result in psychic evaluations.

Black Scorpion is not Iron Man, Iron Monger, War Machine, or Steel and does not like being called those names.

Putting a heater next to Ice Mistral while she's sleeping will result in being frozen for a few days.

Stealing the Radio from Port Oakes and putting it next to the Televison so they can "duke it out" is not funny.

The Golden Roller does not enjoy having his hub caps stolen

Pushing other Archnos personel off the catwalks in Grandville is grounds for a demotion, even if it was really funny.

Deathsurge is not the 10,000 Volt Ghost form Scooby-Doo.

Mr. Welch is an SOA?

• Do not call Arbiter Sands "Arbiter Fancy" again.
• "Some stuff happened and some dude died" is not an appropriate after-action report.
• Must not paint the back of Black Scorpion's armor pink.
• Must not paint any part of Black Scorpion's armor any color.
• Arguing semantics with the Arbiters is frowned upon.
• Stop referring to the Etoile Islands as "Suck Isles".
• Not allowed to start my own crime syndicate.
• Deathsurge does not make a good pet, I must stop telling new recruits that it does.
• Doctor Aeon does not want to steal my brain.
• The Lost are not interested in becoming Wolf Spiders.
• Or Blood Widows.
• Adding more legs to an Arachnobot will not make it go faster.
• Welding two Arachnobots together, facing opposite directions, and then sending them into combat was not funny.
• Weaver-1 has no interest in hearing about my "Pocket Arachnobot" idea.
• Selling blood samples to Crey Industries is discouraged.
• Especially if they're not samples of my blood.
• Arbiter Daos is not my father.
• I am not Arbiter Daos' father.

Things I am not allowed to do in service of Longbow

- Mynx is indeed fluent in lolcats, but this does not mean I should ever say anything in it in front of her ever.

- When given a minigun, I am forbidden from shouting "CRY SOME MOAR!!!"

- Furthermore, impersonating any personal of Reliable Excavation Demolition and/or Builder's League United is grounds for being assigned to latrine duties.

- Nicknaming Lt. Dietrich "Lieutenant Die B@#$%" is grounds for a demotion.

- Synapse does not do the Electric Slide

- I may not use Longbow chasers to "pick up chicks"

- If I am a catboy, I am not allowed to super modify a Chaser and find another catboy and take up either of the Callsigns "T-Bone" or "Razor." (Though Mynx has volunteered to be Callie Briggs)

- When facing void hunters, I will not volunteer to take them down with "An Anti-Kheldian rifle cannot hurt me, for I am not a Kheldian."

Things I am not allowed to do in Arachnos

- As a night widow, I am not allowed to decloak and say: "Gentlemen."

- As a Bane Spider, I will not shout "BONK!" every time I hit someone.

- Shouting "Sneak Attack" when attacking from hidden is also looked down on

- As a fortunata, I am not allowed to use mind link to upload dirty thoughts into the minds of my teammates.

- Especially if any of those dirty thoughts involve me and a teammate's mother.

- I am not allowed to make passes at any of the tarantula mistresses, ESPECIALLY IF I MEAN IT WITH ALL SINCERITY!

- I am not allowed to use Arachnos Fliers to "pick up chicks"

Things I am not allowed to do on either side (Or Praetoria for that matter)

- I am not allowed to stockpile Warburg nukes

- William Shatner's Spoken Word Album instantly recognizes me as an inhuman monster even in Arachnos.

- As does broadcasting Polly Shore's Bio Dome.

- I am not allowed to modify any type of flying vehicle with Malta Titan pieces so that it can transform between Walker, Bird, and Hybrid modes.

- When confronting the Kronos, I am allowed to say "GUNDAM!" though I will do this under conscious knowledge it may result in my death.

- I will not leave my coffee on any hospital teleport pad, nor on any piece of portal technology.

- DJ Zero is not on drugs.

- I will not remind anyone wearing a cape of what happened in The Incredibles.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samuel_Tow City of Heroes is a game about freedom of expression and variety of experiences far more so than it is about representing any one theme, topic or genre.

I am not the Prince of Darkness.
Neither is Ozzy Osbourne.
Or the Lich King.
Or Satan.
Or even Adolf Hitler.

I am not authorized to throw my Mohawk Grenades at Lord Recluse or his Patrons.
Or at any Arbiter.
Or any Arachnos personnel for that matter.
If I do contemplate throwing Mohawk Grenades at aforementioned people, they will not 'pity the fool.' They will just shoot him on sight.

I will not tell new Crab Spiders to salute in order to watch them brain themselves with their robotic arms.

I will not spray Tank Freaks with oil while calling them "Squeaky Freaks".

I will not refer to Fortunatas as "Eraserheads".

I will not teach Wretch to pick up Ghost Widow and hug her and squeeze her and call her George.

I will not call the Devouring Earth treehuggers. Even when they are hugging one and calling it Mommy.

I will not scream "Oh no! Canadians!" upon encountering Longbow.

I will not attempt to spay or neuter the Warwolves.

I will not say to the Vampyri "Aren't you supposed to sparkle?"

• Rigging Arachnobots with explosives and having them charge the enemy is frowned upon. Those things aren't cheap.
• Add Shadow Spider and Silver Mantis to the list of people who do not need hugs.
• Stop asking Vernon von Grun to build me a Gundam, Zoid, Eva unit, or other fictional combat vehicle.
• The Arachnos Pilot does not know what a Crazy Ivan is, and has no interest in finding out.
• Stop calling the Bane Spiders "Macifiers".
• Not allowed to give Terrence Dobbs ideas any more.
• I am not allowed to borrow any part of Kuhr'Rekt's armor, and should stop asking.
• Don't make Lieutenant Demitrovich question her loyalties again.
• Stop calling Marshal Brass "Captain Happy".
• When dealing with an Arbiter, I will speak only when spoken to.
• When asked to explain my actions, not allowed to fillibuster.