Rules for Arachnos Soldiers

Well I made myself an Arachnos Soldier about a week or so ago, and while it's an interesting Archetype to play, I've discovered all sorts of odd regulations that Arachnos imposes on its personnel. Regulations which I never expected would even have a reason to exist. Regulations which may not have even existed before I joined up. Here's a selection:

• The Power Transfer System is not fueled by hugs, kittens, or the laughter of children.
• The Cap Au Diable Gremlins are not a direct result of "kids today and their baggy pants".
• Ghost Widow does not need a hug.
• Neither does Seer Marino.
• Or Regent Korol.
• The Snakes are not my, or anyone else's, bestest-best friends.
• I will not tell any Night Widow she needs to "get laid".
• I will not tell Arbiter Sands that any Night Widow needs to "get laid".
• Yes, it is creepy that I think Ghost Widow's hot.
• Do not make fun of Operative Brick Johnson's name.
• I will not slash Efficiency Expert Pither's tires ever again.
• Telling Ghost Widow she's "dead sexy" is not funny.
• Nor is sneaking the Television into Recluse's throne room.
• I will not ask Lord Recluse about "that Red Widow chick". Ever.
• The Grandville screens are there to "educate" immigrants, they are not to be used to play video games.
• I should not replace the footage shown on the Grandville screens with scenes from "T.H.E.M.", "Plan 9 From Outer Space", or "Manos: The Hands of Fate". Especially not if I leave the audio from the "educational film" intact.
• The phrase "hits like a truck" is rarely more literal than when it is applied to The Wretch. I will remember this if I am ever again tempted to mock the way he talks.
• None of my "crab" jokes are funny, and most are outright disgusting. I will be reminded of this whenever I ask Black Scorpion why I am banned from joining, speaking to, or coming within 100 feet of the Crab Spider Corps.
• Captain Mako is not to be called "Sharky McFangmouth", and I am lucky to be alive after doing so.
• I will never tell an Arbiter "you're not the boss of me!". Guess what? He is.
• There is no such thing as a "Cheese Spider Colbymaster", even if I painted my uniform yellow.
• "Beer Spiders" are even less real than Cheese Spiders.
• Never talk about Willy Wheeler in front of an Arbiter.
• We do not ride Arachnobots into battle. Even if our legs are tired.
• The Luddites are not Mormons, Catholics, Taoists, or Scientologists.

• I am not allowed to quote George Orwell's "1984" at Lord Recluse until I've actually read the book instead of just pulling random sentences off the Internet.
• The proper response to an Arachnoid infestation is not "sit down with them and discuss our differences over a cup of tea".
• I am not allowed to send new recruits do deal with Arachnoid infestations any more.
• When being interviewed by Amanda Vines, the following subjects are taboo: Westin Phipps, Bane Spider loyalty (not one defector, how unusual, yes?), Operation: DESTINY, the Power Transfer System, and the personal lives of any and all Arachnos personnel.
• Arbiters have the fascinating ability to always find a suicide mission in need of an expendable Operative. I will remember this whenever I feel the urge to discuss the merits of wearing white after Labor Day.
• The works of George Orwell are banned within the Etoile Islands.
• The Children of Enos do not hold bake sales every Friday.
• The Hamidon is not "just looking for friends".
• Yes, Kuhr'Rekt talks funny. Yes, Kuhr'Rekt can kill me with his brain. No, it would not negatively impact his relations with Arachnos if he did.
• Number 204 is perfectly normal.

• You should not shout "Rock me Arbiter Daos" when you run through the lobby of Arachnos Tower.
• Picking a Patron is totally a loaded question with no good answer

This thread reminds me of "the list"

Funny

• Despite the similarities in fighting style, covering The Wretch in red body paint and insisting that everyone call him "Iron Tager" is not recommended.
• The Wretch is not required to show anyone his Gigantic Tager.
• No, Captain Mako and Black Scorpion do not put on monocles and fancy hats, or sit down for tea and crumpets, when no one is looking.
• Barracuda is not a pacifist.
• "Run like a scared child" is not how we deal with intrusive heroes.
• Nor is "Set off a nuke and pray".
• No, it can not be hugs time now.
• Arachnos does not observe Talk Like a Pirate Day, and even if we did, it would not be celebrated by following Captain Mako around and repeating everything he says.
• Arachnos does not have a national anthem. No, that does not mean Lord Recluse is accepting suggestions.
• Especially not suggestions that it be "The Safety Dance".
• Even with modified, pro-Arachnos lyrics.
• Picking a word and replacing every instance of it in a song with "spider", "oppress", "conquer", or "pants" does not constitiute making pro-Arachnos lyrics.
• Lord Recluse is not, under any circumstances, to be referred to as "Commander Anti-Social" or "Commodore Lonely".
• Scirocco is not to be called "Lightning Facestablington".
• Weaver-1 is none of the following: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Linus Torvalds, Bill Nye's evil twin, or my personal technical support.

Becky does need a hug. However, under no circumstances should you hug Becky.

* Do not ask Silver Mantis out on a date. Ever. Not even if you think you can handle it. You can't.
* Do not request that the Radio play 'Video killed the Radio Star'.
* Freakshow Meat Doctors are not a good resource for discreetly dealing with a venereal disease.
* Neither is any other doctor in the Rogue Isles. They're all mad scientists. Go to a Paragon City clinic.
* Taking a submarine on a joyride to Paragon City to visit a clinic is not an approved use of Arachnos equipment.

• Nemesis does not approve of anyone calling his warhorses "cute little steampunk ponies"
• Even if the warhorse's AI has ben corrupted (*cough*) to act like one
• Calling a Bane Spider a "mindless drone" is not funny
• Calling a Carnival Strongman a "mindless drone" kinda is
• Training immgrant to Grandville to speak Farsi before they reach the the Arbiter checkpoint does not consititue "a fun joke"
• Especially since Arbiter Daos speaks Farsi
• Jokes with punchlines involving Ghost Widow and the word "dead" or its derivatives and related adjectives/nouns are not permitted within Grandville
• Or in Ghost Widow's Tower
• Or anywhere that an Arbiter might hear you
• Council MekMen are not "my plastic pal who's fun to be with"
• Insinuating what Valkyrie does with her spear while off-duty, while humorous, is not conductive to defeating her

*Under no circumstances am I to replace the images and sounds on Grandvilles educational screens with "Never Gonna Give You Up"

*I am not to reprogram any arachnobots to sing and dance
*Especially if it's to sing and dance "Never Gonna Give You Up"

Oh (Bleep!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KxkW...eature=related

Yeah that's why those were put in there.

and now for some more from Blazblue

*The Arachnobot following me around is not my Sis

*I am not to tackle people because I think they have Meat Buns

*I will keep my hands off the panda

*Bees are evil and must be destroyed

• Scirocco is not interested in old "Simple Plan" or "Dashboard Confessional" CDs
• Or any other emo bands, for that matter.
• I will not use Ice Mistral to keep my drinks cold while at the Giza.
• I will not try to convince newbies that over the winter they cover the Giza with snow and make it into a ski hill.
• My current threat level is neither "awesome", nor "super awesome".
• Synapse did not get his powers from a tragic experiment involving far, far too many "Chocolate Blasted Hero-Os"
• Similarly, Positron does not enjoy the smell of his own farts so much that he made a special suit to enjoy them.
• Under no circumstance should I confuse Lord Recluse with the other Spider-Man.
• I am not "too sexy for my toggles"
• I shall never convince Vernon Von Grun to remake the BeeGees with real bees.
• While defeating DE rock and crystal monsters will cause smaller versions to form, defeating DE plant creatures does not result in the creation of sentient decorative topiaries.
• Lord Recluse does not sound like Bobcat Goldthwait when he takes off his helmet.
• I will not ask Capt. Mako why he didn't choose the name "Admiral Nurse Shark" instead.
• Capt. Mako is not delicious with some light breading and chips.
• Jumping off the top of the Grandville tower to try and squish an arachnoid is not considered a surprise attack.
• ... Nor does it work.
• ... Nor am I allowed to scream "death from above" while attempting it.
• It is really, truly, and completely unnecessary to shout out "boing, boing, boing" when using the jump packs and/or super jump.
• NutriPaste is not to be used as a universal bonding compound.
• Malta are not willing to "settle our differences with a jaunty musical number"
• Neither are the Knives willing to do the same with a game of Twister.
• Arachnos is not to be referred to as "The Dark Side", and we do not have cookies.
• You cannot grab one of the mu mystics' bindings, pull it sharply, and expect them to go twirling across the room like in cartoons.
• Operative Jenkins begins to get really sick of hearing the Leroy Jenkins bit after the 35th time... Today.

• If I hang panties on the mechanical arms of a sleeping Crab Spider, they'd better be my panties.
• The Arbiters are not under any obligation to explain to me why a single man would have panties.
• I will not encourage new Bane Spiders to test their cloaking devices by staging panty raids on Ghost Widow's tower.
• Trying to find panties in Ghost Widow's personal chambers is futile, and I am no longer allowed within a kilometer of Ghost Widow's tower.
• I will undergo psychological re-training every time I refer to women's undergarments. Every. Single. Time.
• If I ever try to say anything to Doctor Forrester again, he is to remind me of the "velociraptor incident", report the exchange to the nearest Arbiter, and go about his work.
• Next time I call an Arbiter "spanky", I will die.
• Yes, assignment to the Dig Site in Faultline is a punishment detail. That's why I'm going there.
• Arachnos does not have a vehicle named White Base. However, I should assume that if we ever get one, I will not be allowed to jump onto it.
• Lord Recluse does not wear his mask to disguise the fact that he's actually Lemmy Kilmister.
• Or K. K. Downing.
• I am not allowed to use words I don't know the meaning of. In paticular, I should stop calling Scirocco "Stevadore".
• If ordered to develop a battle plan, I will come up with something more in-depth than "shoot them until they die". If that was all the planning we needed, I would not have been ordered to make a plan.
• While it may be true that any plan where I lose my hat is a bad plan, the Arbiters are more displeased about plans where I lose my pants.
• Before advising a superior to "just throw minions at the problem", I will recall that I am a minion.
• Stop asking Tarantulas about their surgery.
• Do not hit on Tarantula Mistresses, it's not nice to remind them of the drawbacks of the Tarantula Exoskeleton.
• Do not hit on Tarantula Queens, they're pretty much insane.

Reminds me of the things I've been prohibited from doing, attempting or discussing over the last decade. Everything on this list is something that one employer or another felt was necessary to address. Party poopers.

• I am not allowed to requisition a particle accelerator.
• I am not allowed to requisition a 100 megawatt laser.
• I am not allowed to requisition any equipment which is not used daily in my field of work.
• I am not allowed to requisition equipment, period.
• I am not allowed to request military assistance.
• For anything.
• I am not allowed to declare my work area a sovereign nation.
• Or declare a trade embargo for said sovereign nation.
• I may not hire border guards.
• I may not conscript the existing staff for border patrol duty.
• I may not threaten to have anyone shot by my nonexistent border guard force.
• I may not refer to myself as "El Dictatorio".
• I may not issue press releases regarding the nonexistent sovereign nation, trade embargo or border guards.
• Nor may I refer to my coworkers as "the ravening horde".
• No, that does not mean I can call my coworkers Twinkie, Ho-Ho and Ding Dong.
• My coworkers have names, I am expected to use them.
• At a reasonable volume.
• Sockmonkeys do not have holidays, pagan ritual dances or "an unquenchable thirst for cranial fluids".
• If sockmonkeys do have any of the above, I still may not participate.
• I may not bring a sockmonkey to work.
• No, that does not mean I may bring 100 sockmonkeys to work.
• I may not adopt, name, talk to or carry around local flora.
• I may not cover my shirt with suggestive stickers.
• No, that doesn't mean I can put them on my pants, either.
• No suggestive stickers allowed.
• No stickers in suggestive locations allowed.
• While my forehead is not a suggestive location, it is not an appropriate place to put stickers.
• I am not to bring stickers to work any more.
• I am not to use company stickers in lieu of my own.
• Not even old ones which I was supposed to throw away.
• I may not sing Metallica's "Master of Puppets" with the words changed to "master of shadow puppets is making a duck".
• I may not antagonize the geese, even if they are mean to the ducks and deserve it.
• I may not encourage the ducks to accompany me into the building.
• I may not decorate my desk with signs which use any of the following words or phrases: forklift, radiation hazard, by appointment only, for sale, for rent, for hire, parking, fine, construction, must be worn or slippery.
• I may not decorate my desk with signs which do not have words.
• I may not decorate my desk with signs.
• I may not respond to every question by singing a lyric from a Pointer Sisters song.
• I may not respond to any question by singing any lyrics.
• I may not respond to any question by quoting movies.
• I may not call the police, fire department or local hospitals to report a dihydrogen monoxide spill.
• I may not tell the assistant manager that there has been a dihydrogen monoxide spill.
• I may not talk to new employees until they have been sufficiently prepared to encounter me.
• I am not a choo-choo train.
• "Boxcar" is not intended to be taken literally, and I may not scoot around the floor in a box while on duty.
• I may not scoot around on the floor in a box while off duty.
• Not even if I make beep beep noises.
• I am not to use masking tape to make miniature highways on the floor.
• I am not to use masking tape to outline office walls, windows and a door for myself.
• I am not to use any tape on the floor, for any reason.
• I may not bring science projects to work.
• Even if they don't emit smoke, flame, radiation or unusual odors.
• I may not bring a warhammer to work again.
• I may not hitchhike at work.
• I am not in the Matrix.
• I do not know kung-fu.
• Bandoleers are not appropriate dress.
• Nor are pirate hats.
• I am not to say, "ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!" any more.
• Customers are not zombies, even if they do seem like it, and I may not throw chairs at them while screaming.
• We do not have, nor have we ever had, nor will we ever have, a nuclear reactor on the premises.
• I may not organize field trips for the staff to visit nuclear reactors.
• I may not suggest field trips for the staff to visit nuclear reactors.
• I may not organize or suggest field trips for the staff to go anywhere.
• Insane giggling and outbursts of cackling laughter will be kept to a minimum, regardless of my mental illnesses.
• I may not go fishing in the sink.
• I may not play doctor with my lunch.
• I may not impersonate Julia Child.
• I may not install a trap door anywhere at work.
• I may not build and place traps anywhere at work.
• I may not attempt to conduct Fight Clubs at work.
• I may not use my workplace as a base of operations for criminal mastermind activities.
• My coworkers are not henchmen, cronies or "cannon fodder".
• I may not build a ballista on the roof.
• I may not build a mangonel on the roof.
• I may not build any siege engine anywhere at work.
• I may not bring any siege engine to work.
• I may not make siege engine motions and noises during business hours.

• I must never ask Arbiter Daos "how are your kids getting on?"
• Captain Mako does have a sense of humour. I just wish that he didn't.
• I must never joke about "mind bleach" around Kalinda; I did once and now I can't remember my childhood.
• Wretch reacts badly to being painted green in his sleep.
• Never begin a question with "I wonder what would happen if..." within earshot of Vernon von Grun unless you are 100% sure you want to know the answer.
• Kittens still dislike water, even if you replace their legs with fins and give them swimming goggles... or so Vernon tells me...
• Surprisingly Efficiency Expert Pither does not consider it efficient for Bane Spiders to use skateboards on duty patrols.
• Do not mock Dr Aeon's kidnap insurance policy - the compensation payouts are funding 95% of his Mad Science.
• Amanda Vines wishes she could afford a kidnap insurance policy.
• Telling Viridian spoilers about his favourite soap opera is possibly the most stupid thing you can do in the Rogue Isles.
• Black Scorpion does not find it amusing when you upload a virus to his armour that forces him to do jumping jacks.
• I must never joke about Ice Mistral being frigid if there is a chance she might hear about it.
• De-icing the crotch area of Bane Spider armour is time consuming... and somewhat painful.
• Introducing Vernon von Grun to Doc Buzzsaw may not have been the wisest move I ever made.
• The Arbiters frown on Bane Spiders using their mental network to pass around smutty jokes.
• Lord Recluse does not understand what "ROFL" means and he is very slack at updating his Twitter.
• Reminding Captain Mako and Barracuda that they are "butt nekkid" is a good way to get your armour dented.
• Wearing a white sheet and making spooky "wooooo" noises will incur the displeasure of at least one Arachnos patron.
• "Hauntingly beautiful" is not a suitable compliment to use when making an apology to Ghost Widow; apparently she has heard it too many times before.
• Referring to Tavish Bell as "Taco" one too many times can result in Crey taking out a restraining order against you.
• Posting videos on YouTube of Arachnobots falling off the edge of platforms in Grandville is against the Arachnos terms of service and can result in docked pay.
• When a newly-converted Tarantula Mistress asks you "does my bum look big in this?" there is a correct answer and a safe answer - choose wisely.
• Tarantula Mistresses can't handle the truth.

I got about ten lines in before I had to stop reading...

I'll read more when I get home.

And Bitt, you owe me a keyboard. This one's full of Mt. Dew.