imported_FaeryFire

Bye Jester.
I'll remember the missions during late, late, nights.

(this is a recap of several weeks of gameplay. There are holes in it, there are hazy details, because I didn't take notes and mainly because I didn't play all the scenes, only getting reports of what happened from others. So, maybe not 100% precise but good enough I think)

The last month was very eventful for the Silent Tempest team, directly or indirectly.

One of the major event is Nightsparrow trial.
Nightsparrow, also now known as Mrs Melanie Kraft, was arrested the day of her wedding with Andre Kraft, the man leading the Silent Tempest under the hero name Coile .
Prosecutor MacDougal, whose eagerness to frame for life Melanie is quite amazing, is charging her with hundreds of murders and acts of violence over the course of the last 6 years.
First detained, then released but confined to her home in Founders Falls, Melanie Kraft is now authorized to move but is still under strict watching by the police of Paragon City.

Nadia Forester, the Sword of Truth , reluctantly accepted to participate to the defense of Melanie, alongside Lady Cobra , a friend of the recently wed woman.
Rapidly, it was discovered that a being known as Grinning Nightmare , was tormenting Nightsparrow. The dream fiend is said to have influenced Melanie during her sleep, leading her to commit various violent acts, down to murders.

The case mobilized the Silent Tempest forces. One of they key element was Kitalia, who finally was able to contact directly the dream fiend, using a stunning ability to project an incarnation of herself while asleep.
It was also discovered Grinning Nightmare is the daughter of Aria, better known as Keening Banshee .
Gathering all elements, it looked possible to try to trap the fiend and possibly force her to admit her role and influence in all the violent acts attributed to Nightsparrow.
In the meantime, Nadia Forester studied the accusation charges, not seeing how to prove Nightsparrow innocence without getting Grinning Nightmare, but willing to instill enough doubt to prevent Melanie to be declared guilty.
Yet, as days and weeks passed, Nadia was more and more pessimist about this course of action. Everything looked to be depending on Grinning Nightmare only.
Nightsparrow might have reported some troubling elements in her personal diary but nothing significant from the few Nadia agreed to read. And, reasonably, nothing proving the innocence.

But all of this became completely secondary the day a moody Coile crossed a portal to vent a bit, change his mind and maybe help the agenda of the Omega team, a shady group he was belonging to.
Using his clearance to go to another world, he didn't check his destination, assuming it will be a regular reco mission of some sort.
He was sadly completely wrong. The dimension he entered was high on the danger scale and wasn't at all destined to be explored by a single hero.
^The same day, the Tempest having a meeting, Coile being late was quickly noticed as he always arrive far before anyone else.
Soon, Nadia Forester discovered what happened, using her own connections to the Omega team, since Coile dragged her in with him.

The fact was there was no exit point for Coile. The portal he used wasn't planned to be opened and, for sure, it wouldn't be again to allow him to return.
Fiddling with Omega and Portal Corps procedures, Nadia quickly to decide to follow her former lover, to help him and to not leave him alone in this hostile world.
Despite being offered the possibility to bring a team with her, she refused the option, knowing it was going to be a one way trip and unwilling to risk the lives of everyone on the team because of Coile impulsiveness.

Assembling quickly her stuff, she wanted to name Dustine leader of the Silent Tempest, in the absence of Coile, and foreseeing one might never return from this dimension.
However, Dustine declined and, quite the opposite, was coming to announce her departure according to the will of her ineffable goddess.
Things were accelerating and while the Sword of Truth was reviewing possible candidates, Kitalia tried to intervene and talk.
Time was lacking and Sword wasn't ready to listen, especially as Kitalia was also apparently under some loyalty conflicts, willing to tell her something and also unable.
While Kitalia was muttering things about promises that may be broken, or secrets she shouldn't say but who are already known etc… Sword finally selected Mesoc to lead the Tempest in her absence (and obviously in Coile absence).
Cutting off the discussion, leaving Kitalia fainting because of the inner conflict, Sword left the Tempest base and head to Peregrine island.
There, agents of the Omega team gave her scanners and technological devices to carry during her time in the world Coile entered. The purpose being to sent back data about the world, possibly to finally consider the world being secure enough to open again a gate and let Sword and Coile leave.
When Sword stepped in the portal, she was leaving the team behind her, heading to an unknown and restricted world.

She met Coile some times after, exploring around from her arrival position. Brooding, the leader of the team wasn't aware of the situation he was in, they were both in.
Sword, displeased and angered, soon became aware they might be stuck in this world for days, weeks, months or even more, if they would come back on Earth one day.
Everything was depending on the scans they were supposed to perform. But, as events will show soon, the safer way for them was to hide and find a haven. While scanning with world implied exploration and facing lethal dangers. However, choosing safety was condemning them to stay in this world.
The world was empty of human life, yet full of cities, housing, cars, everything that our own world know, but empty of inhabitants; As if all humans suddenly disappeared.
Not totally empty. The heroes soon discovered the world was the domain of humanoid robots, extremely aggressive.
Quickly, they had to defend their lives, when energy shooting robots started to chase them across empty streets of a deserted town.
The first days were focused on survival, Sword being reminded her days during the Rikti War. Collecting food to resupply, finding drinking water, shelter, all of this while dodging the deadly robots.

Back on Earth, the Silent Tempest was in turmoil. The two head figures were missing and the team was left on its own.
Soon, plans started to be discussed.
The problem was the access to this world where both Coile and Sword were. Portal Corps was refusing to let them team enter it, pointing at the quality of the restricted dimension.
On the other hand, the team couldn't find a workaround with the Omega team, the said group being remote and impossible to even contact.
Missing the ability to cross world barriers, missing the coordinates of the target dimension, the team was helpless.

Diana Bright, also known as Love Angel , facing what she saw as unfairness from the Omega team, decided to make some scandal, even if she knew little.
Her initiative to contact newspapers however attracted the attention of the Omega team, which was quite unwilling to get some media coverage. Outraged by the whole affair, Diana Bright even wrote to the president of the United States.
Stalked by mysterious men in black, newspapers silenced, no story published, Love Angel was finally directly contacted by what was revealed to be an agent of the Omega team, a woman called Tina Bree .

Tina Bree, however, had a dual position on this. On one hand, she was protecting the Omega team from bad media coverage, on the other hand, invited to come at a Tempest meeting, she displayed an unexpected will to help the team up to her abilities.
At the same time, Love Angel tried a gamble bet, luring Bree to believe she learned a lot on the Omega team by having friends to hack Portal Corps computers.
Was that bet successful ?
Anyway, Tina Bree said she would be giving, on her own initiative, the coordinates of the target dimension, provided the team was able to go through a powered portal.
Options were few. At some time, going through the portals of Pocket D was discussed. An option that was finally not possible.

They however started to work on two plans.
Xan (Star Crusader), the alien, was asked to start working on building a portal for the team. A daunting task he said to take at least two months, maybe more, provided he had enough pieces to assemble and provided he was able to make it run.
He started to work quite rapidly, preparing to divert power to a future portal and reconfiguring the computer network of the base to this option.
Yet, more than the technical side to make a portal work; he was simply lacking the material and equipment.
The other idea was to use a portal existing on Nerva archipelago.

The main idea was to try to use that Nerva portal to enter and exit the dimension and, if the exit wasn't possible, it would have to Xan to finally build them the exit, months later.

During that time, things turned badly for Coile and Sword.
After some progress, exploration and scanning, fighting hordes of robots, they discovered some robots of a more advanced model, maybe information relays of a larger network, maybe coordinating all robots. Coile skills in robotics looked to be promising for future inquiries or maybe even to find a way to get out.
Yet, their deactivation didn't look to hinder the local robotic population. They also discovered, by comparing many trivial details, that all human life looked to have ceased six months earlier.
However, no corpses around, no mass grave. It was as if all humans suddenly had vanished, leaving everything in place.

Exiting the town they arrived to at first, the heroes started to explore the immediate surroundings and semi-rural area.
They were quite shocked to finally face groups of humans. Survivors ? No questions could be asked as the humans immediately chased them with as much zeal than the robots.
And all of this ended badly when Sword was shot straight to the heart by a man holding a bow.
A panicked Coile immediately and very lucidly applied the first aid procedures, then transported her back to town using his flight field, where he found an hospital.
There, he stitched and patched the ugly wound, while Sword had slipped into a bleak unconciousness.
Three days long, Nadia lied in a bed, in an empty hospital, while hostile robots were wandering all around.
When she opened her eyes again to the relief of Coile, things were looking grim.
Severely weakened, she couldn't walk and Coile was reluctantly and wisely willing to hold her in the air using his flight field.
The following days, Coile took care of everything and started to explore the surroundings.
It finally led to a massive confrontation with robots in the lower levels of the hospital when Coile was forced to unleash his power to destroy an entire section by shooting energy to the weak points of the structure.

At that moment, Sword was more or less strong enough, again, to walk but was cautious to no end to not reopen her wound.
The heroes started to move, unable to stay at the hospital since the big fight with the robots. All of this however led to another serie of tragic events.
Facing the deadly robots again, they found their way blocked. Sword, unable to fight, barely able to walk, had to leave all the burden of the fight on Coile shoulders.
Courage, tenacity and endurance allowed Coile to both support her and fight their way farther and farther… until that fateful moment when robots passed over Coile guard and one struck hardly the woman at her head.
Half stunned, vision blurred, Sword followed her team leader to the final confrontation.
Blocking their advance was one of those advanced robot, a powerful machine.
During several minutes, Coile led an epic combat against the robot, using all his resources and strengths. And finally, Andre Kraft body ended lying on the ground.

One of the most surprising feature of the robots was they weren't trying to kill them. They never tried. They were undeniably aggressive, able to hurt but something just didn't make them complete killing machines. A clue of the truth was going to be revealed later.

Coile and Sword retreated together, back in a town appartment they broke in. There, Coile, having received a mighty strike on the head, stated to have serious headaches.
Sword sight had deteriorated quickly while the wound on the left side of the head didn't look promising. Unable to see on her left, blurry vision, it was an almost blind Nadia who saw her former lover finally collapse.

Back on Earth, the Silent Tempest team was ready to act. The need for coordinates from Tina Bree was bypassed by Dustine, whose oracles and contacts with her goddess allowed her to determine the position of the missing leaders.
Weeks had passed since Coile and Sword left. When the team was going to act, Coile was seriously injured and Sword couldn't help him.

The team was transported to the Nerva gate and sneak through it. A detail that would be proven decisive later.
Dustine, Mesoc, Kitalia, Bart ( Hands of Sorrow ) and Marisol ( ShadowWoman ) had entered the target world.
Subaiku , who Love Angel stopped calling a "werewolf" to favor the "werecat" theory now, had crossed the dimension barrier a few days before and using her supernatural scent, had tracked the missing duo.
That's how Subaiku found a unconscious Coile, watched by a powerless half blind Sword, both hiding in an apartment of this ghost town.
The faerie-gypsy-werecat (who know the truth about Subaiku) placed a kind of inner lock over the power buildup Coile was experiencing since his last battle and removed the famous eyeplate.

Finally joined by the whole rescue team, all Tempest members nevigated to find their way out of this dimension. They had to fight hordes of robots, battling bravely despite the might of their opponents.
Coile and Sword able to move with the constant help of Kitalia healing powers, could only watch the others fighting without being able to help.

The team had to get a vehicle to drive to another nearby town, as the portal technology to get them back looked unreliable and couldn't reopen the gate at the place where they arrived.
On their way, Sword scanners (indeed Omega scanners) identified a signal.
Investigating, the team discovered a looping, broadcasted message over radio waves. The message was warning that robots were releasing an airborne virus destined to kill humans within a week.
Oddly, it looked that killing themselves humans weren't part of the robot program. At least, it was what Sword guessed. Many enigmas were left on that world… the robots, the goal to slaughter mankind, survivors…

When the team crossed back the barriers between world to our Earth, several surprises were awaiting.
First, Dustine and Kitalia basically vanished. It seemed that Dustine was prevented by her goddess to fall into…
A trap which was laid by E.V.I.L., led by Echo and Lunk caught the returning Tempest members.
Having spotted the use of the Nerva portal, E.V.I.L. reconfigured it so the arrival point back in our world was their headquarters.
After some tension, the tired, wounded, Tempest could only surrender…
Warning about a possible contamination by the virus which wiped all human life in that otherworld, several Tempest members begged for quarantine measure (which were more or less including E.V.I.L. members who were in contact with the Tempest)
Finally, Echo decided to keep Coile in the base and release the other members, abandoning her initial project, whatever it was like getting a ransom as it was said once.

Sent back to Paragon City, the Tempest immadiately went to the Atlas hospital where they explained the urgency.
Took under care by doctor Jane Bright (Diana Bright's -aka Love Angel- mother), soon with the help of Xan, many tests were made to determine what the virus was.
Ultimately, common sense and science agreed there was no virus. Sword and Coile were on this otherworld during more than two weeks and should have die before any rescue team could reach them.
The days at the hospital were very tense, Bart having depressing thoughts and being convinced of his future death by a virus, Dustine finally back at Paragon City, being moody and contemplating a flame she was making flicker in her hand.

Several interviews and appearances of doctor Bright, speaking of a viral alert, however created some panic in the town, something apparently still lingering in the outskirts or Kings Row.

Few days after the Tempest arrived back to Paragon City, after their release when no virus was found, Coile was actually also freed by Echo, with no real explanation coming from any of them.

During all of this, Nightsparrow, under watch by the police in her Founders Fall apartment, was victim of an assassination attempt. Her trial didn't look to go better.
Love Angel, who couldn't go to this otherworld with the rescue team, had to manage the growing affection of Tygerboy but looked to no longer be at odds with her mother. Mother who, in turn, looked to be a bit less harsh in her judging about "heroes".
Xan, the Star Crusader, received a card for the Valentine's Day, which couldn't surprise him more. He spoke about the card but also about artificial and biological life with Number Nine , the gynoid.
Which was something Love Angel found very interesting, especially on the Valentine's Day. On her side, the same evening didn't look romantic, maybe to her distress.

Things were barely settling.
The Sword of Truth was left crippled by the experience. Her optic nerve damaged, her heart was weakened enough by the wound she received to risk a cardiac accident now if under too much strain and blood pressure.
Coile, whose buildup was threatening his life, was left powerless. But, his powers, he didn't recover them. Without eyeplate, without powers, he went back to his wife.

That's when Bone Fire Havoc appeared. Locked into a lethal vendetta with Mugon from E.V.I.L., he was given shelter and protection by Love Angel and Xan.
Yet, Sword clashed with him when she learned Havoc was ready to almost anything to achieve his revenge.
The tension reached its peak the following day, during the Tempest meeting.
Facing both Coile and Sword contesting his position about revenge, things escalated and Havoc finally left the base, unwilling to stay with people who, according his wording "were lacking respect to him".
Some time later, he was found dead, assassinated by Mugon and his henchmen.

In the meantime, Sword and Love Angel had decided to get back the man (with Coile agreement) but he never answered to Love Angel call.
The whole affair left the Tempest divided.
Tensions built since the "otherworld" affair crystallised around Havoc and his death.

Sword proposed Coile could go on vacation. They settled on a month duration. Everyone had to think a bit and cool down, Coile maybe more than others. At least, it was Sword opinion on the matter.

Since, Sword is trying to talk, to each member of the team, in private.
She can no longer fight but she can still help.

(some other things happened since but I stop here)

A common origin... or a common enemy... or a common history (not necessarily tied to the origin of powers)...a common goal...

Or just "random heroes" meeting "by chance" regularly and bulding everything from scratch.

Part Six : Wu Long

* Wu Long talks

Why does he talk in English ? Sabrina looks to understand and speak Chinese well. Unless Wu Long doesn't expect the heroines to understand Chinese ?

You are saying Wu Long body is consumed. But by what ? How ? I didn't understand that part.

* "Swordmaster" or "sword, master"

"I have with me your sword Master"

While the meaning was finally obvious, my first thought was "what ? a swordmaster ?". Sometimes a missing comma produce funny thoughts

* Fighting energy balls

The scene :
"They were under heavy fire but the energy balls merely hit with physical force.
What do we do? Is it another test” Meriam questioned.
Err… I think so. Let’s get him.”
The two girls fought through the energy balls but they hit with such weight it felt like great big stones"

First, you are saying the balls merely hit with physical force. So I expected another effect with each hit. Later, you are saying the heroines are hit with such weight, like big stones.
So I have trouble to fully picture the scene.
The mention of "stone" is generally directly related to something physical, tough, hard.
So, from my reading, we have "energy balls which merely hit with physical force but feel like great big stones".
I believe I understand what you mean but the conceptual opposition between "mere physical force" and "stones" might create confusion for readers.

Meriam stance here is a bit curious to me as we have :
"balls of dark energy flew in a large cone directly at the girls. Sabrina dodged and dodged again"
“What do we do? Is it another test” Meriam questioned"
"The two girls fought through the energy balls "

Despite having a large cone of flying energy balls aimed also at her, Meriam doesn't look to react.
More, she even "questions" Sabrina about what is happening.
It's only a bit later we learn she is fighting alongside Sabrina.

The "questionning" created, to me, a picture of Meriam, hands in the pockets, with flying energy balls around her, asking casually a dodging Sabrina what is happening.
I suggest to use another verb than "question" when Meriam has her line here, to underline the fact she is also under attack.
An earlier mention of Meriam dodging or doing something could help too. Depends a lot of how you would write her line.
Something like :
"What do we do? Is it another test”", shouted Meriam as she was jumping and crouching to avoid the balls

Finally, "fighting" through the balls is difficult to picture to me. Are the heroines striking the balls ? Just dodging ?
Fighting suggest landing blows on an opponent. So there, I was wondering what they were doing exactly.

* Meriam was struck

"It collided with great force and slowly penetrated her skin, exiting through the back. She fell unconscious in an instant"

Meriam is struck by a dart.
However, as I read it, it left me thinking :

" It collided with great force" Fast projectile
" slowly penetrated her skin" but once hitting, pierce the skin slowly
" exiting through the back" ok, slowly but already exiting in the back
" fell unconscious in an instant" All of this during an instant ?

I felt as if the scene was oscillating between a fast action one (Meriam suddenly struck, fall unconscious) and a slow dramatic scene (Sabrina has the time to realise the horror).
Like a kind of fast-slow-fast scene.
I again think I understand what you wanted to write. But it looks a bit odd to me.

It can probably be enhanced with some edition and rewording ?

""It collided with great force, sending Meriam staggering backward and started to slowly penetrate her skin. A couple of long seconds passed as Sabrina looks at Meriam in horror and she realised the dart was now exiting through her friend's back. And then Meriam collapsed."

Sabrina standing a couple of seconds can sound ok. The heroines already went through the balls of energy to reach Wu Long. I imagine you can make her look at Meriam fate.
You also used a "A moment of shocked silence" just after so obviously there were no other immédiate danger for Sabrina.

Finally, "Sabrina shouted something in Chinese ".
Tell us what she is shouting ?
If it is not really important, say something like "Sabrina cursed in Chinese".
Unless what she shouts there has a story importance that will be revealed later ?

Spelling, typos yes.
You could better organize your story by editing it and looking more at punctuation.

" Hay what’s this all about” she whispered to her companions across the table. “I have no idea pussycat but it looks like its big”
I wasn't sure at first who was replying to Pink Pussycat.

Unless I missed it because I've read the text quite quickly, Storm Slayer is the only one who get no description at all (beside the mention of protective padding).
I think Nitrux S description is a bit vague :
"Nitrux S was a tall muscular man with one robotic arm a replacement"
so I have trouble to imagine how he looks save muscles and a robotic arm.

The base is a bit blurry. The main entrance is just mentionned with no description and the briefing room is just said being "lavish".
The style might be a good way to set an identity for this band of heroes.

You are also relying on several words that are coming purely from the game uiverse (Circle of Thorns, Skyway, Carnies) without explaining them.
Someone not familiar with the game might have trouble to understand what you are talking about.
You might want to define later what are those groups and places.
Depends of who you are writing for.

Part Five : Demon Shoutu

* Time warp

Part Four starts at 2.32pm
Part Five starts at 3.12pm

In those 40mns, the heroines entered the part 4 courtyard.
We can reasonably suppose part 4 truly starts when they face the guards in black.
The fight starts almost immediately and guards are dispatched quickly.

The longest part is the waiting in darkness. You mentioned twice "several minutes". Like 3 or 5 each time ? 10 ?
Then they fall into the trap, where part 5 starts.

From your own timing, 40mn were needed for the fight with the guards and the wait inside the building. Maybe then, change "several minutes" to better suit to your timing.

I thought everything happened over 15-20mn at best in part 4 and I suddenly leap to a 40mn timing.

Also…

Part Four: Test of Faith

Mt. Kongur – Xinyiang, China
Wednesday 11th October - 2:32pm

Part Five: Demon Shoutu

Wu Long Temple – Mt. Kongur, Xinyiang, China
Tuesday 10th October - 3:12pm

Back in time :!

* Follow up of the fall

Now we learn they fell 800ft and there is 300ft more for a total depth of 1100ft.
Retrospectively, Meriam and Sabrina can truly talk during their fall. However, as you might have noticed, I was wondering that immediately : How can they talk for so long ?

The depth of the pit is a critical element. One, actually, our heroines should realise quickly. Yet, we have to wait for part 5 to be informed.

Still, it doesn't look that bad. I am reading your work as segmented parts, commenting as thoughts come.
If we read the end of part 4 and the beginning of part 5, we get the information quite quickly.
I still think you could hint the depth earlier so a reader wouldn't think "They didn't hit the ground yet ?"
And I trust you on the falling speed needed to go through the last 300ft.

* Fighting Shoutu

We are lacking a good description of what Shoutu is. He's a "giant monster", he looks "humanoid but coated with shadows, with red eyes". That's a bit short. So he is a giant humanoid ?
There might be a kind of concept opposition between "giant monster" and "humanoid". Generally, "monster" is refering to something which isn't humanoid. But Shoutu is.
I had to rethink my mental picture of Shoutu. First something monstrous (and giant), second to an "humanoid".
I think it is blurring the "identity" of the demon, which is also sounding to be tied to Sabrina ("my father would tell tales about you") so could deserve a better treatment if he is intended to be a mjor element for Sabrina.

I didn't understood exactly where they are fighting at first.
Meriam states "You want me to climb over nine-hundred feet"
According to your previous number, they fell 800ft, 300ft more to come, so 1100ft.

If they are at the bottom, it's 1100ft to climb up, not 900.

At some time, I tought maybe they were fighting somewhere during the descent, mid air.
But Sabrina " lost her footing" and Shoutu " staggered about before collapsing with a mighty thud."

So apparently, on the ground.
Beside the pit depth, we don't have a description of the bottom.
The fact the ground could be seen at the start of the fall, with Shoutu consuming darkness from the above room (1100ft above) looks to me a bit blurry.

You can probably leave a description of the bottom for either a vague description either for a later description.
Actually, the first thing that Sabrina will focus on is the opponent, the danger and the fight. She might not have much time to look at the surrounding.
I still think a mention would help to better picture the scene. Is the bottom cramped ? A large… cave ? Room ?

Again, I liked the fight. It strengthen Sabrina as a character of mythic status.

* Up from there

The characters then fly up the pit. I don't really know what was in the bottom. It's not important from a story structure point of view. The whole scene is a test.
Yet, the characters are exiting a place that is left beside.

Maybe it was Shoutu living space ? Maybe there are bones of his previous victims ? Mystical writings ?

From the bottom, you say " after several minutes of flying up the pit"
Several minutes to fly 1100ft…
Say … 2mn. It's a dashing 6 miles/hour speed (even less with more minutes of flying)
I just wonder if the flight speed is so low. I have no problem with it. Just wondering.

You are also saying " the tiny spark of light that was it’s exit began to fade"
However, the last references we have about the upper room are :

"The entire temple felt empty, completely enveloped in darkness. They waited in silence."
" Several minutes passed and yet, nothing"
" This darkness is alive"

So when they fell, the room was pitch black.
Now they can see the light of the exit (the room they were in).
I guess the place was lighted since but I think you might add something for clarity (pun intended). That they realised that, now, they could see the upper exit (which was a dark room until now)

Meriam kicking their way out was nice and again very mythic in style to me.

I just winced at the mention of a concrete lid. Concrete for such a mystical oriental temple…
But maybe, here, it's a vocabulary problem. I understand "concrete" as a modern material.

* Isle ?

I really do not understand the reference " The two girls glance down the temple isle"
An isle ? I thought they were in a temple room. Maybe is it again a vocabulary problem ? I'd understand "isle" as "island".
I am also confused as the following description are about the surrounding room. I don't understand at what they are glancing down.

* More generally

I liked the style, still mythic as I said. Meriam jumping her way up, the fight, the atmosphere.

Part Four : Test of Faith

* Mount Kongur

Again I am lost about geography here. There is a Mount Kongur in the Xinjiang province.
So where is the action taking place ?
Xinjiang ? Xinyiang ?

So, now I think part 2 was set in the Xinjiang province, not the Xinyiang town of the Henan province. Am I right ?
I think you should at least mention if you are speaking of a province or a town when mentioning Xinyiang. Having details is nicer than staying vague and it set the story. On the other hand, details are easier to check.
The exact wording of Xinyiang doesn't help, as it is a chinese word and the english version can vary depending on the article, the author (like the two which can be apparently written differently).

* Battle suits and blackness

"All twelve of them were uniformed in black; black battle suits and black katana"
A battle suit… like… a Stormtrooper armour but in black ? I don't know what a "battle suit" is here. I imagine it's a somewhat light "armour", not a cumbersome thing but what is it exactly, I don't know. Reinforced ? Padded ?

There is also a black overdose here.
6 uses of "black" in 131 words for the scene description. About one every two lines.

The scenery is good and create easily (to me at least) a good mental picture of it.

Using so many times the word "black" is a matter of style. On one hand, it truly emphasises the "blackness" of the situation. On the other, I think there are missed opportunities to describe differently and enhance the scene.
Usually, repeating one word is more creating a list, like hammering a concept, a thing, a description.
Maybe by rewriting the rapid initial succession of blackness "black, black suits and black katanas" would ease a bit. That single line made a lot for the overdose to me.

When the description ends, we get another black reminder.
"Sabrina approached one of the men dressed in black" (it will happen again later with a "gush of black sand" and a "great black door")

As there are only men dressed in black (beside the heroines), I think it's unnecessary to repeat it again.

* Hanfu strikes back

This time, you mentionned again "Hanfu". Yet, you described what it is now.
I think you should move that description in part 3 rather than waiting for part 4 to inform unfamiliar readers what a Hanfu is.

* The fight

I really enjoyed it. The description, the moves, reminded me a mythic tale. I found the whole fight scene quite evocative and somewhat true to the mythic oriental tales (from my limited experience).
I am saying here "mythic" as opposed to "modern" descriptions. Sabrina fighting abilities, her moves, supported by Meriam, it's the stuff of mythic heroes. The fight doesn't last long so it set the heroines are truly good warriors. Like mythic heroes.
If you read old tales, mythic tales, it's rare fights are described in details. It's more a modern thing.
So I liked the scene : fast, blazing, mythic.

* Trap and fall

I noticed that Meriam, then later Sabrina, are able to say several lines when falling.
So it must be a very deep pit they are falling in. Not a problem to me but maybe could you underline that. The pit is awfully deep, it will hurt a lot, they are going to die.

Sabrina can see the ground racing up to them, can she see walls ? Also, before falling, they were in complete darkness. Now Sabrina can see. Is the ground lighted ?

Meriam initial line is quite long and somewhat dramatic. It suggests to me it's a long fall, really, otherwise they would already have hit the ground before she can even finish her first line.
I don't know how much "falling time" is needed to say all the character lines but I think it's long.

Use that to maximise the danger of the pit. Make it a trap for mythic heroes ?

The choice of colours reminds me a lot the 40's propaganda posters.
Red and white (plus black) as colours were quite notorious.
So it gives an opressive feeling, enhanced by the slogan.

The secondary slogan "Being right gives might" is a nice variation, great idea.

You added elements in the upper left corner of the main image, but I see no links to the character or the slogan.

I don't demand anything.
I now think I'll abstain from commenting some works too, seeing how it is perceived.

Part three : Great Wall of China

* space-time warp

Part 2 is said to happen on Monday, 9th october.
Sabrina stated "We'll make a trip out to Bangkok tomorrow", so on the 10th.
However, part 3 starts on the 10th and they are not in Bangkok.

Side notes :
- part three having "Great Wall of China" in its title, I now presume you set the part two in the Xinyiang town of the Henan province, and not the mountainous Xinjiang province. From what it seems, the wall doesn't run into the Xinjiang province at all.

Also, going from Xinyiang to Beijing in less than one day looks to be quite… quick. From my guessing, it should be more than 300 miles, straight.
However, characters, like for the mention of Bangkok, might have travelled by heroic means. But we don't know. You don't tell us.
I was quite surprised by the casual tone "let's go shopping to Bangkok", as a side note
We know your characters were in the Henan yesterday, in Bangkok this morning, now in Beijing.
How did they travel that fast ?

Later we will learn abour running super fast. It can, somewhat, explain the trip from Xinyiang to Beijing in less than a day but from Xinyang to Bangkok and back to Beijing in less than a day ?

* the Wall itself

I don't know if Beijing is surrounded by mountains and how close to the city the Wall is, I trust you on this. A twenty feet high wall looks good (seems the average height is from 15 to 30 ft)

* Descriptions again

" Sabrina wore the long, luxurious, blood red Hanfu"

I don't know what is a Hanfu. You could have written "she was wearing a blood red Xj55he98zgheyg", I would feel the same.
Don't assume your reader is familiar with terms, especially when very specific. Or, mention them but don't forget to explain at some point.
"Hanfu" doesn't sound to be in the cultural knowledge of most western readers, I think.
If "Hanfu" is important for your character, rather than just saying "a robe", "a tunic" and so on, explain why you choosed a "Hanfu".
The mention of the word (repeated) becomes critical when you don't know what it is but Sabrina tells " how beautiful you look in Hanfu", followed by " You look much better in Hanfu than I do"
Beside the fact I still don't know what clothing it is, I am on the verge of a Hanfu overdose.
The word is used 4 times in 268 words, so about once every 70 words, so, almost once every three lines, roughly (with an average of 20 words per line)
Drop the repeated use of "Hanfu", explain us what it is. First it will help understanding, second, it will allow you to use other words than "Hanfu".

* Run !

" They moved like Ninja" sounded odd.
The expression is coming loaded with assumptions, I think. Ok, there is a description following (gracefully, fast).
However, there is an implied fascination for Ninjas here that, sorry, I don't share. But let me explain.
So, the implied awesomeness of "They moved like Ninja" has no real meaning for me. I am rather interested by "how it is awesome".
My only comment, which is here very subjective, is to not assume everyone will be impressed by a mention of "They moved like Ninja". For some readers, I guess it will trigger a "Wow", to me it triggered a "Hu ?"
I'd suggest to keep the mention of Ninja, because it's apparently part of the theme but rewrite the description, not starting with that mention which is too loaded with assumptions, but keeping it for a bit later maybe ?

Then the run itself.
They are sprinting over 50 miles/hour. Still it must not be much more (or you would have say "over 60 miles/hour"). So 50 miles/hour is a fair guessing for a reader, a base to refer.
Now, the characters are running over 300km.
First, I am not british so I am not sure about it but mixing scale references might create useless difficulties (you already mixed in part one, using metres and feet). For me, it is confusing. From miles/hour to kilometres, I am obliged to do maths in my mind.
At 50 miles/hour, during three hours, it is running over about 240 km. But you say they ran over 300km.
To run 300km in three hours, they should run at a bit more than 60 miles/hours.

So, change the speed mentioned to 60 miles/hours or the time spent running or reduce the distance travelled.

* Sleep

You said about Meriam "despite the eight-hour time difference...". This statement is quite unexpected at this time of the story.
It wasn't mentionned the previous day, when they were in the Henan. I advice to suggest, hint that somewhere during part 2.
The 8 hour time difference isn't obviously between the Henan province and Beijing.

Now I am not certain here…
But, it looks that an 8 hours time difference is from Europe. Isn't Paragon City in USA ?
From US eastern coast to Beijing, it looks there is a 11-12 hours difference (+ a change in the date but it's not important here.)

* Why in Beijing ?

Arriving at the end of part 3, I wondered : "why are they in Beijing ?"
Part 2 looked to be intricately tied to Sabrina family and past. She got a warning.
But the day later, the two girls are enjoying running over the Great Wall.

Retrospectively, I can also wonder why they went to Xinyiang ? Apparently save receiving some news, Sabrina didn't intend to act.
Or is there something to find, learn in Beijing ?

* descriptions

Giving too much or not enough details in descriptions is often a difficult choice. And descriptions, as a whole, requires a lot of vocabulary and "feeling".
However, as you are describing four characters in a relatively short time (not to write but to read), it looks odd.
Try to keep an equal level of treatment of your characters.
Hint a couple of details which are important but do not consider detailing main characters is a major thing to immadiately do.
Especially if you later consider it done and will never again desribe those characters.
An author often has a clear mental^picture of his characters so doesn't feel the need to "repeat" elements.
Generally, especially in fan fiction over internet, it leads to characters absolutely dressed the same throughout all stories, described once and for all.
A reader, however, has to build the mental picture from scratch.
If you go for a complete description in chapter 1, paragraph 1 to never describe anything later, the mental picture might become blurry in the reader mind.
Or, when you mention a character using a specific details from his or her description, the reader might think "Wait ? Who ?"

Let's say you described Mer'de as blue furred. To never mention again this details during the 10 following chapters.
At chapter 12, you type "the blue furred hero...". A reader might have totally have forgotten this detail and wonder who you are talking about.

[ QUOTE ]
Chapter Two

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, short is the word 350 words. You'd fill half a page with it

It's a good section to introduce upcoming events or elements. It is building anticipation for the reader.

Part Two : Return of the San

* Location

We know both characters (three at start but Mer'de leaves quickly) that they are in a market, a small one. We are now supposing it is a small town.
Reader might not be familiar what "Xinyiang" is. A town ? A province ? I've searched and found a Xinyiang town in the province of Henan. On the other hand, there is a province of Xinjiang in north west China.
The Xinyiang town is also sometimes spelled Xinyang.
A quick research is saying "Xinyang" is also the seat of a catholic bishopric.
Superficial reasearch about Xinyiang (the town in Henan) says it is a roughly 100k inhabitants town. So it must not be a small town (even if, by chinese population standards, it's probably quite small).
I also guess there are "small markets" even in a 100k inhabitants town. But after knowing it's not just a tiny provincial town, I had trouble to imagine the setting.
WIth that amount of population around, reducing the description to "a small market" looked odd.
The town would surely offer many other things to describe.

* Dialogues

There is alot of dialogue in this part. Everything else is fading into almost nothingness. While the dialogue contents is important to the story, the way it is introduced is like "hanging up" characters in space and time.
They are talking but they could be talking anywhere else. In China, in a pub, on a beach, in a plane. The location is almost irrelevant.
Until the end, when a Chinese man is giving us more informations.
Maybe add more descriptions, feelings of Sabrina coming back to *this* place. Make the reader feel he is in China and not anywhere else.

Also, as characters were hung in space and time, the old man arrival is sudden. He comes from nowhere. And will probably fade back to nowhere after his lines.

My question was, while reading, "how does that man knows and recognize Sabrina ?". Ok, he's old. But all old men don't have eidetic memories
Why does he come ? He is acknowledging Sabrina death and express his displeasure of seeing "dead" walking his town, apparently.
When Sabrina is replying "you won't stop us", I wondered if "stopping" was actually the intent of the old man. Well, why exactly is he coming to Sabrina and has his lines ?
For a story construction purpose, I understand why.
But from that character point of view, his motives are unclear.

So far, the feeling I had is that old man could have been replaced by any other means of communication. Like a newspaper for example, with a big title saying "he's back in the mountains". The old man character is an information provider. But his interference looks odd to me.
Why does he care ?
If he cares, what is he afraid of ?

Sabrina or Meriam could have also noticed the old man looking oddly at them, anticipating the scene to come. Maybe that man isn't the only one who recognize them, just the only one who will dare to come to them ?

Please understand I post my comments after reading each part.
It means I have no knowledge of what is coming next.
So far, some questions I can raise might have an answer later.
From your point of view, my comments are then the one from a regular reader. I also have to say I only have a superficial knowledge of the Militia and its members.

Part One : Militia Escort

* about the complex

The entire structure is 100m². It is quite small, only 10m x 10m. The biggest room is 40m², I hope there isn't much furniture in it because, with 8 people in, for a meeting, it can easily be cramped. 8 people for 40m² (without furniture), it's 5m² each, or 2,5m x 2m, barely much more what most of people are seeing as their "personal space".
I suggest to either drop actual numbers or make the whole place bigger.

* About Igor Noren-ko

"his body was textured with blur fur" ? Or "blue fur " ?

* Amber and Mer'de talk

“Well I’ve spoken to The Minister and he really did say we’ll be issued with a dimensional spacecraft, Amber” said Mer’de.
“Really, are you sure? Because I thought it was just an ordinary jet. Not that I’m disputing your statement Mer’de”

You are repeating the name Mer'de. It is needed to have it mentioned as you are naming the character here, but maybe not twice in two sentence.
In the first sentence, Mer'de is probably the aforementioned "baby colossus" but as there is 8 people in the room, a reader might not be certain. There is a slight risk of confusion, from my point of view.
I'd then suggest to write
"… dimensional spacecraft", says the Journere
" … Not that I'm disputing your statement, Mer'de"

I believe it could help to tie three names you used 1/ Journere 2/ Igor Noren-ko 3/ Mer'de and avoid repeating "Mer'de".

* Igor, Amber, Dragonfly, Meriam descriptions

We got a quite good description of three of the four first mentioned characters. Yet, Amber is getting less love. We know she is "fond of leather clothing" but compared to the treatment of Sabrina and Meriam, it's quite short (or even Igor).
I was wondering, when reading, why you wrote so many details for all of them save Amber.

* Nuntius Angelus and Pious Hunter

When this character was introduced, I wondered how Mer'de could plainly be mistaken about the identities. And, if so, why he doesn't break a sweat over it.
I guess that if you are welcoming someone in your "team", call him Nuntius Angelus, it's probably because you expect that person to be Nuntius Angelus. Then Pious corrects the mistake. He isn't Nuntius Angelus. But doesn't it change a thing for Mer'de ?
Apparently, Mer'de (or the team) is expecting Nuntius Angelus, as stated by Pious ("yet you insist on his aid"). This expectation looks high as Mer'de states Nuntius Angelus being one of the "legendary warriors", here suggesting fame, or power, or resources, whatever, from all of them.
But it isn't Nuntious Angelus, it is Pious Hunter. So ?

* Recall

You wrote “He can’t. But no matter, I will recall our luggage and weaponry okay?”
Recall... ? Like in.. remember ?
I suppose you are refering to a "game Recall" so teleporting to you.
Beware of using game slang in a story. Even if you intend to aim at a CoH gamer audience, you might finally use words that a reader might misinterpret. If you consider a regular, non gamer, reader, "recall" will probably have no meaning to him.

* Characters in the room

We know there is 8 people in the room. Then enter Dragonfly, so 9, then 10 with Force Commander (for a 40m² room, including at least one large round table and 8 chairs at least (they are all sitting at first)  )
Igor (Mer'de) and Saffron Mackenzie (Amber) are identified.
Then Sabrina (Dragonfly)
Then Meriam.Kesser (Masked Angel)
Sergeant Stone, Gauius Somnium, Ebon Tear, Pious Hunter
Derek
Force Commander

So the original 8 are : Igor, Saffron Mackenzie, Meriam, Sergeant Stone, Gauius Somnium, Ebon Tear, Pious Hunter, Derek.
Unless Derek is the "normal" name of Sergeant Stone or Gauius Somnium or Ebon Tear. Then I miss one. I am just not 100% certain about my own counting.

Summary of comments :
- leveled descriptions of characters. Amber got an unfair treatment. The other solution is to give a bit less details about Meriam and Sabrina
- explanation about Nuntious Angelus and Pious Hunter. There is apparently a confusion from Mer'de but no consequence, no impact
- make the room bigger or don't rely on actual numbers for descriptions

I started reading from the first part. Do you want comments in the original threads or all posted here ?

Good scenery and alternating of events (Kings Row, the Council)
I noticed :
* "he was in a Council uniform" and "they were megalomaniacal conquerors"
* "A group of Skulls lurked" and "the death-obsessed thugs"
You name Council and Skulls then comes a short description of what they are.
However :
* "Hellions pushed around a woman" has no more info on what Hellions are. Even if the name and the action you describe suggest another gang (like the Skulls)
* "Clockwork ripped pieces of scaffold" might need another hint about their nature different from all other groups you mention.

Council members are conquerors, Skulls and Hellions are gangs but Clockwork ?

From a CoH gamer perspective, there is no need for more, we probably all know what are Clockworks. From an outsider perspective, the word "Clockwork" is suggesting some sort of machinery but nothing more.

Still, it also depends if you plan to develop on this later, with a future text. Or if you intend to write for a CoH audience (who will identify most of the names, places, just by mention) or not.
Yet, some elements might be left in the background until explained.

Pretty much like the mention of the Templar armour. We have some physical details about the main character (she is a woman, has dark red hair, deep blue eyes) but the armour isn't described at all. It is cumbersome, what colours, unique, high tech, etc ? (we can suppose the later from the general tone).
The armour can be a plot element, to be developped later, paralleling the development of the character. It depends a lot if/how you plan to write more on the character.

[ QUOTE ]
It's still a WIP though. I need more crisp, clean Ice references...
I thought it would be nicer to have her in a more effeminate pose rather than a Queen-like pose. If it doesn't look like she's actually sitting on the throne then I appreciate your comment. Even if it is a tad late to change anything

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, the pose isn't the one of a queen staring at the artist
I am not sure I will be able to explain... hmm... the left hand look to rest on the throne but the right leg looks to be only partially on it, barely the upper leg.
If I imagine a line crossing the character, following the throne edge, most of the leg is in front of the throne.
It is also underlined by the shadow of the right leg, directly on the throne. To have that shadow, I'd say the leg must not rest on the throne.
I am not sure I am clear enough but I lack the english vocabulary to describe better, sorry It's also a subjective point of view.

Glaciers Rush! is impressive. I bet many of us wish it will end coloured.

I am not certain the proportion and length of the legs are correct, they look a bit short to me. But hidden by the dark mists raising from below, it's difficult to evaluate.

The lower torso looks like the character was wearing a kind of tight armour destined to fit over muscle in a styled way.

The weapon in the back but inverted and its head ending in front of a character is something I see often in drawings and always find odd But it might be just me.

The dark flows on the ground are not centered on the character and, indeed, should be seen behind some of the mists on the right. But the "mists" and "waves" being of the same black colour, you might want to use slightly different shades.

I like the expression and the face. You outlined hair in the front of the head, I was thinking about more lines in the hair, generally, to suggest a movement, or wind, or just the haircut.

I know the moon isn't meant to be prominent (what I said indeed) but it's still a blank spot in a coloured picture.
The ball and the moon should have something else than "plain white".
Only my advice.

Commenting only Issue 3 here.

I have a mixed opinion on the filtered screenshots. When you are applying it to create big pictures, it often looks blurry, or "raw" ?
When you are using smaller pictures (resized, cut), it looks far better.
Working from screenshots is difficult as you must work on what the game mechanics allows you.
You also need many details on the original screenshot to "fill" the final picture.

For example, starting on page 21-23, we get many small pictures where we have details.

Coming to page 27, we have a big picture where the filtering is applied to a mostly empty screenshot.
As you can't have more details provided at will by the game engine, I think you should use the "empty space" with fillers or using it to insert informations.
Actually, what you did on this page at the top left with the Banshee inserts.

On page 28, the topmost picture has a big empty space on the right, serving no purpose.
The middle picture is well filled with Steel Guard burst of energy.
The lower picture is ok to me, with two characters and a detail on the forefront (maybe sad it hides Love Angel but, again, working from screenies isn't easy)

On page 30, we get again a big empty space. I know it is again introducing a new chapter but use the space to give informations and hook the reader ?
Page 31 bottom picture is a bit empty again, even if it is to provide space for bubble.

But, on page 32, the use of space is far better and we again have smaller images, filled with more details;

Now back to start...
The cave setting of the early pages isn't really showing what you have done later. You are, more or less, victim of the lack of details provided by the game engine in caves.
The filtering doesn't help really there.
The later urban/inside scenes are better.

I also like when you are giving a style to discussion bubbles. It strengthens the identity of the characters. Maybe doing it for the major characters of your stories ?

To summarize, as you must rely on the game engine to provide you the details needed to create the setting of your comic, focus on detailed screenshots.
* When you need to get screens from mostly empty places, avoid big pictures.
* Avoid, I think, places where there is little or no lighting effects. The cave for example looks super grey (when page 5 and the explosion looks nice).
* Use the pages introducing chapters to provide informations, avoid big empty pictures
* closer views of characters. The game engine is detailing them, they will enhance your comic
* styled conversation bubbles for major characters. You did it on the occasion.

It is probably experience and inspiration but the quality of your work improved with pages being created.

Overall, a good work, lots of work put in, to get screens, filter them, ideas, players to participate.

The crystal ball at the center is a very blank spot on a coloured picture. Maybe adding some shading to it ?
Same for the moon crescent in background but being not a prominent feature of the pic, it has less impact (to me at least)

The "Glaciers on throne" picture is a nice work of colors and drawing. The work on shading the flesh is really nice.
I just feel she is more leaning against the throne edge than sitting on it.

I suggest putting more descriptions in your story : places, characters especially.
At the Jolly Roger, is the place full of people, what are sounds, voices around ? Why this place became their favorite haunt and not another one ?

Add flavor to your characters conversations by creating a setting around them, describe their posture and so on.

You have a wonderful website. Congratulations to its author(s) and contributors.

After watching more the Chiefette picture, maybe a little more work on her left hand ?
Seeing the two other pics, I understand you can draw hands nicely, which is, from my non-drawer understanding, a body part often difficult.