The Dragon Sabre - Return of the San [P2]

[u]The Dragon Sabre[u]

Part Two: Return of the San

Kashgar Market - Xinyiang, China
Monday 9th October - 4:46pm (8:46am UTC)

The young girls seemingly materialised from thin air, pulled by Mer’de. He brought them to the ground, gently settling them on their feet.

“Kashgar, young Sabrina. Will the market suffice?” Mer’de asked.

“Thank you ever so must Mer’de, and yes, we’ll be okay from here.” Sabrina confirmed, mentally recalling their luggage to her side. “You don’t have to escort us or anything. You should probably return to Paragon, the other will need you.”

“As you wish. Mind you, whatever happens here, do not forget to keep us informed” Mer’de ordered, before disappearing into the ground.

“Brina, it is beautiful! Oh the mountains, can we go climbing? Please?” Meriam asked, eyes fixed on the surrounding mountains in the far distance, beyond the sunlight, as bright as noon.

“Sure thing sweetheart, but first, we take care of business. Follow me”

Sabrina led the party through the small market, it was buzzing with traders and shoppers, mobile stands piled with wheat, maize, cotton, barley, peanuts and flax. However, something was strangely odd about the people. Perhaps it was the invisible Golden Dragonfly katana hovering in the party’s wake, balancing four bags of luggage, but their very presence drew the attentions of passer-bys like metal to a magnet.

“Why are they staring at us?” Meriam whispered.

“Err. I honestly don’t know.” Sabrina admitted, trying to ignore all the following eyes. “Meriam, do you know of the Uygur?”

“Yeah, it’s a branch of Araic. Uygur are like Chinese Muslims right?”

“Ah-huh, a lot of them live here. Most of my old friends are Uygur, so I am pretty familiar with Islam myself.”

“Man, my dad is so going to kill me when he finds out this isn’t a school trip. I feel terrible having lied to him.”

Sabrina didn’t respond, but carried on walking. Soon, they had left the market and were marching uphill along a stretch of dirt-road.

“You know, I’m still a little fuzzy on the details of your sword… if its magic isn’t fixed, will you really give it away?” Meriam asked.

“I’m afraid so Meriam” Sabrina sighed. “The sword is more powerful than I can handle, I know that myself, and if it’s going to start flying about he place, I’d rather have nothing to do with it.”

Meriam was deathly silent; she didn’t reply to Sabrina and clearly disapproved of the decision.

“Oh come on Angel, at least that way, I’ll be more like you. I’ll attune to my training in Ninjitsu and continue my studies in Kung Fu; I’ll fight crime with martial arts as opposed to fencing.”

“I guess that’d be okay” Meriam sighed. She turned her attention to the sword, hovering gracefully behind them, without the slightest sign of struggle under the luggage. “Brina, tell me about the clan war. What was it really about? Pride, honour… was it justified?”

“Ha!” Sabrina laughed. “Hardly… It all began with Li Mu Kimone, my maternal grandfather. He was infamous in all these lands, worked as Ninja for Kuomintang in the Chinese Civil War and has sought power ever since. When he married my grandmother Chun Li San, a gifted swordswoman who rivalled his own skills, he became paranoid. He repeatedly accused the San family of conspiracy and eventually attempted to kill his wife… with the Golden Dragon sabre. A large blade with several hooked teeth, Tian Lee’s masterpiece. In its making, the sword was also encrypted with very, very powerful magic. Along its blade was Chinese calligraphy by the infamous sorcerer, Wu Long. He presented it to the couple as a gesture of gratitude and mutual respect, on their wedding day. You can imagine the uproar after the attempted murder. My grandmother divorced Li Mu Kimone immediately and the magic bonding the Golden Dragon sabre divided it into two weaker swords: the Soaring Dragon blade and the Golden Dragonfly katana. Scary stuff, mythical to this day.”

“What happened to Li Mu Kimone?”

“He fled the country in fear of the San, but soon returned with followers; sons of prostitutes; bastards he had raised by the sword. They were taught to hate the San and so they did. Their skill in the martial arts and kendo was pathetic by-the-way, but they were heartless in slaying the San, who were too kind at heart. Eventually, the bastards became known as the Devils of Kimone. Li Mu managed to steal the Soaring Dragon, but was chased away just in time so save the Golden Dragonfly. To answer your question sweetheart, my guess is as good as yours… power. Li Mu wanted the power of the Golden Dragon all to himself. Even I have little knowledge of its magical capabilities.”

“Well, so far we’ve learnt half of it can fly and camouflage.” Meriam joked. The two girls laughed in unison.

The dirt road had disappeared behind them long ago; they were now climbing upwards along the rocky slopes about the foot of the mountain.

“It’s not as cold here as I was expecting Brina. You said it’d be snowing didn’t you?”

“Tian Lee lives way up in the mountains. We’ll be staying with him you see, and it’s always snowy up there. The city climate itself is actually quite a desert, but come January, you get snow six feet high. Quite strange isn’t it?”

Meriam beamed up at Sabrina, her eyes dancing with excitement. “It’s fascinating” she replied. She was so happy to be away from Paragon and away from family at last. Most of all, she was happy to be with Sabrina, at her homeland.

“I feel weird in these clothes. Can we go shopping for something a little more oriental later maybe?” she asked. Sabrina stopped abruptly to face her girlfriend.

“I thought you’d never ask” she smiled. “We’ll take a trip out to Bangkok tomorrow, I know this really nice tailor who can make you your very own custom design.”

“Wow… really? That… that would be amazing” Meriam thanked.

Suddenly, a frail old man with a large walking stick stumbles onto their path up the mountain. He wore rags; indistinguishably a mix of torn Western trousers and wraps decorated with fading traditional patterns and colours, thrown about his waist and around the shoulder.

“Stop! Stop” he yelled in Chinese, running down the slope. “Stop right there!”

Sabrina gave Meriam a slight nod, signalling her to take caution.

“Where do you kids think you’re going? The mountains are too dangerous now, you must turn back.” He continued, in Chinese.

“What is up in the mountains old man?” Sabrina asked, fluently in her first tongue.

“You!” The old man yelped. “It can’t be. You were executed. You should be dead! Why is every dead coming to life?” he asked himself.

“What is up in the mountains old man?”

“Why you should know, young San” the old man whispered. “He’s back; with vengeance and a thirst for death. His army strikes the town at midnight taking bodies up into the mountains.”

Sabrina turned to Meriam, who she knew would not have understood a single word being spoken. She addressed the old man in English.

“Listen here old man. We’re going up to see Tian Lee and you won’t stop us. No matter how true your gibberish may be.”

Sabrina led on, barging past the old man.

“Ah, the century’s greatest swords maker, designer of the legendary Golden Dragon sabre, half of which you now carry young San” said the old man, again in Chinese. Sabrina froze in her tracks. He knew about her quest. “Tian Lee was killed last night. Li Mu Kimone and his sons have been brought back from the dead”

[Blackout. to be continued]

I liked this one when I first read it, I think the tension is built up well leading into the main story. KIU.

Part Two : Return of the San

* Location

We know both characters (three at start but Mer'de leaves quickly) that they are in a market, a small one. We are now supposing it is a small town.
Reader might not be familiar what "Xinyiang" is. A town ? A province ? I've searched and found a Xinyiang town in the province of Henan. On the other hand, there is a province of Xinjiang in north west China.
The Xinyiang town is also sometimes spelled Xinyang.
A quick research is saying "Xinyang" is also the seat of a catholic bishopric.
Superficial reasearch about Xinyiang (the town in Henan) says it is a roughly 100k inhabitants town. So it must not be a small town (even if, by chinese population standards, it's probably quite small).
I also guess there are "small markets" even in a 100k inhabitants town. But after knowing it's not just a tiny provincial town, I had trouble to imagine the setting.
WIth that amount of population around, reducing the description to "a small market" looked odd.
The town would surely offer many other things to describe.

* Dialogues

There is alot of dialogue in this part. Everything else is fading into almost nothingness. While the dialogue contents is important to the story, the way it is introduced is like "hanging up" characters in space and time.
They are talking but they could be talking anywhere else. In China, in a pub, on a beach, in a plane. The location is almost irrelevant.
Until the end, when a Chinese man is giving us more informations.
Maybe add more descriptions, feelings of Sabrina coming back to *this* place. Make the reader feel he is in China and not anywhere else.

Also, as characters were hung in space and time, the old man arrival is sudden. He comes from nowhere. And will probably fade back to nowhere after his lines.

My question was, while reading, "how does that man knows and recognize Sabrina ?". Ok, he's old. But all old men don't have eidetic memories
Why does he come ? He is acknowledging Sabrina death and express his displeasure of seeing "dead" walking his town, apparently.
When Sabrina is replying "you won't stop us", I wondered if "stopping" was actually the intent of the old man. Well, why exactly is he coming to Sabrina and has his lines ?
For a story construction purpose, I understand why.
But from that character point of view, his motives are unclear.

So far, the feeling I had is that old man could have been replaced by any other means of communication. Like a newspaper for example, with a big title saying "he's back in the mountains". The old man character is an information provider. But his interference looks odd to me.
Why does he care ?
If he cares, what is he afraid of ?

Sabrina or Meriam could have also noticed the old man looking oddly at them, anticipating the scene to come. Maybe that man isn't the only one who recognize them, just the only one who will dare to come to them ?

Hmm. Good point. I has alot of editing to do on this one it seems. Thank u thank u thank u.

I like it, so far. Too many people are getting caught up in niggling little details which don't -need- to be explained. Write the story the way you want to, not the way others demand it be written.

Carry on, it's terrific so far!

I don't demand anything.
I now think I'll abstain from commenting some works too, seeing how it is perceived.

Wow, thanx FG.

Only comment I have, perhaps it might be best to keep all parts of the same story in the same thread? Tends to make life easier for people reading it, and people voting for it in the creative genius competition!

Yep. I realised this fact three days ago and chapter 9 and onwards are now in one thread, with a link to all these previous ones.