well im no great writer but ill give it a go
By
imported_FaeryFire,
Posted on: 2006-12-22 03:18 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
ahem yes
Spelling, typos yes.
You could better organize your story by editing it and looking more at punctuation.
" Hay whats this all about she whispered to her companions across the table. I have no idea pussycat but it looks like its big
I wasn't sure at first who was replying to Pink Pussycat.
Unless I missed it because I've read the text quite quickly, Storm Slayer is the only one who get no description at all (beside the mention of protective padding).
I think Nitrux S description is a bit vague :
"Nitrux S was a tall muscular man with one robotic arm a replacement"
so I have trouble to imagine how he looks save muscles and a robotic arm.
The base is a bit blurry. The main entrance is just mentionned with no description and the briefing room is just said being "lavish".
The style might be a good way to set an identity for this band of heroes.
You are also relying on several words that are coming purely from the game uiverse (Circle of Thorns, Skyway, Carnies) without explaining them.
Someone not familiar with the game might have trouble to understand what you are talking about.
You might want to define later what are those groups and places.
Depends of who you are writing for.
Quite an imaginative story here, with lots of potential. I like the range of different characters and hope to read more on them. Its clearly an interesting hero organisation and it'd be nice to read more about their relationships. Be sure to work on your grammar and punctuation. I look forward to reading the next instalment.
I barely ever enter this section...ok never lol but i do think its worth getting into. Sometimes when i am bored at work i daydream alittle and just get imaginative but i have yet to find that one thing, that impossibly hard to find "something" thats original and new.
The first chapter or even the first three pages of any story has got to make people go "okay i want to read more!".
I am reading The Da Vinci Code at the moment. I was told to read the book and then 'maybe' see the film but the first chapter I wouldnt say is great but had made me think "Well I'll read a bit more".
Its worth sticking at, despite any spelling mistakes, I mean just ask J.K. Rowling how much gratification (and money 
) can be achieved.
I'd say step outside the boundaries of city of heroes and put something new and edgy in there. If i went into a mission and wrote a story about it, it'll be a little bit too "been there, done that! seen that kind of plot before. Hell, anyone could of wrote that".
One chapter by some of the pro's might of been rewritten atleast seven times. Alot of people get knocked back by others for alot of things but the key thing is to keep coming back and say well "What about this!"
Spending time with roleplayers like i dont (no eye candy action scenes at the same time ya see 
) could be worthwhile as sometimes you can come across some really good wordsmiths as some have a certain style or flair that makes me want kick them in the balls out of jealousy .
I think ya have the one greatest key ingredient and thats "balls". You put a story for others to read on the forums when some people including myself daren't. I might one day but it'll take a hell of alot of refinement with the help of close friends as proof readers because my skills are non-existant.
Imo key ingredients of a story can be:
What happens next!!!! (ya went for that)
Who did it??? (ya went for that)
Well this is a fresh new and clever plot 
(alot in game are variations of eachother and i want to already feel like you are going for this from what you have already written).
or a charismatic and clever use of the english language for literature geeks (which takes rewrite time and practise).
I'd say step outside of coh a bit, invent something, be darker, check that the same use of words isnt repeated. Pick an author whose book you liked and pay attention to their style, what they offered in every chapter, what they gave in every paragraph and what was special about any particular line and adopt it (No dont plagiarise it ). Just do something similar until you can make it your own and it should make your writing better.
When and if i do one, i wont expect it to be great and would prefer honest criticism cos my skin is granite-like. I would rather make a story great from peoples advice no matter how i deem it. To have people with something, anything to say, no matter what it was, try to be nice in order to not hurt my feelings will get in the way of perfection .
I got 2 D's in english so i admit i could be talking out of my hiney.
Oh and ya handwriting is shoddy!
He will honor his words; he will definitely carry out his actions. What he promises he will fulfill. He does not care about his bodily self, putting his life and death aside to come forward for another's troubled besiegement. He does not boast about his ability, or shamelessly extol his own virtues. - Sima Qian.
thank you all for your advice ill post the 2nd chapter as soon as i finish it
ok well ive been working on a story based on coh for a wile now and i decided that the only way im gonna get it down right is to post it out there for you guys to give it the once over i know its not great and any constructive ideas would be much appreacated o and my spelling is really bad so watch out for that
so here it is the first chapter of my story based on my friends and my toons hope you enjoy
The Gathering Storm
Dead Cell
Chapter 1
She always hated these missions, she hated the cold dank caves, she hated the strange noises and she really hated the circle of thorns they really creped her out.
She had always done her best to avoid them but this time there was no way she could get out of it but at least she wasnt alone she thought. A figure suddenly appeared next to her in a blinding flash of light Raman Karn she snapped, you know Im jumpy enough as it is.
If you saw him in the street you wouldnt have been able to tell he was a super hero much less over one thousand years old, but here in the underbelly of the city the long flowing cape and Egyptian headdress gave him a distinguish if not noble appearance and the crackling electricity leaping from one muscle to the next gave away the super power part.
Raman looked over at Storm Slayer he didnt need her to tell him she was nervous he could have seen that from where he stood, every muscle in her body was tense thats plane for any one to see even thought the protective padding in her costume.
Dont worry were almost done here we only need check this one last corridor then we can leave.
I know but still .
A noise emanating form the adjoining passage cut her sentence short. A shuffling of feet and the feint murmur of people talking could be heard in the distance and it was getting closer.
Both heroes froze the electricity around Raman increased in volume and speed and then they both vanished just as four Circle of Thorns mages, three wearing deep brown robes obscuring there faces and carrying what appeared to be crossbows. The forth mage wore far more distinctive robes, black with a red trim surrounding the hood carrying an unusual jagged sword.
A sky blue bolt of electricity shot out of one corner the carven striking the lead mage in the chest staggering him. At the same instance three ethereal figures appeared amongst the mages and proceeded to attack them.
Several bolts of lightning lashed out at the mages from a thunder cloud that had formed in the centre of the cavern accompanied by a tall, elegant, yet almost invisible figure whom proceeded to rain highly charged streams of energy on to the already overwhelmed mages, who one by one fell unconscious to the floor.
The mages would have gone down easily enough from a few shocks form Raman but something about them scared storm so much that she had lashed out with all of her powers. He could see her still shacking with fear and adrenalin as they reappeared
Its ok you can relax there, down and out stormy it was said as much to calm her as it was to lighten the atmosphere.
Just handcuff them so we can get out of here ill be ok once Im outside
Raman did as she asked and left the caverns.
Stepping out into the sun drenched park in skyway, Raman tried to remember the last time hed seen stormy so scared as he did, he felt something vibrate in his back pocket. His phone was set to vibrate so as to not attract attention when in a mission.
It was a message from Nitrux S asking for every one to meet at there headquarters,
Sounds like its important wed better get moving, Storm Slayer nodded and in a flash they disappeared.
Nitrux S was a tall muscular man with one robotic arm a replacement for the one he had lost in a car crash years ago it was only his mutant healing powers that had enabled him to survive relatively intact and later have the robotic arm grafted on to his body.
He was stood waiting in the main entrance of the base when Raman and storm arrived. The look on his face there was trouble and they where going to get involved
Go take a seat ill start the briefing when every one else gets here
They took there seats near the head of the table that was positioned in the centre of the lavishly decorated briefing room. A few moments later a slender woman dressed almost entirely in pink entered the room and took a seat opposite Storm slayer. Hay whats this all about she whispered to her companions across the table. I have no idea pussycat but it looks like its big.
The Pink Pussycat and Storm Slayer had been friends longer than they had been super heroes, when they where together they forgot about there respective super powers, they where no longer Pink Pussycat and Storm Slayer just Samantha and Zoe, the Two biggest gossips in Paragon City.
Raman was startled when the chair next to him pulled its self out even more so when the one opposite started to move, that was until a familiar voice questioned so whats old Nit got all riled up about then purse snatching gone up again in Perez a second more gravely snarling voice chimed in from the now fully visible Malinko sat across from him.
His glowing green Eyes where the only part of his face left visible the rest obscured by his deep purple hood and mask, two horns protruded from the side of the hood just avoiding the silver skulls ordaining his shoulders with a series of bone like spines projecting upward and back along side them.
In the chair next to Raman, Sparkx had now become visible his sleek black costume trimmed with golden yellow stars caught the light and gave him an almost white glow even his long black hair had the same glow as if it originated from Sparkx himself.
S o who we waiting for questioned a deep booming voice from the entrance to the room. A huge figure filled the doorway dressed entirely black and white spandex the mask did little to disguise the fact it was Ed. The enormous hulking man took a seat at the end of the table on a specially reinforced chair built to accommodate his mass.
So hows it going Bigfoot sparks jokingly enquired.
Not bad, just finished pounding on some Carnies bloody fools where trying to take over the minds of a bunch of dignitaries at a convention in Steel
Metallic voice chimed in
They always got some new plan to get them selves arrested havent they?
It was Fist of Light he had come in and sat down so fast no one had even noticed him
His gold and black helmet hissed as he released the catches that held it in place on his circuitry covered armour. It placed it on the table as Nitrux started moving towards the head of the table slowly but purposefully.
Well as were all here I think we should get started, I called you all here because several of my contacts have mentioned that they havent seen certain heroes for a wile and there starting to get concerned. Also I have made note that many of our group havent reported for duty in a few days, now it could be that they have decided to take some time off but it seems strange that so many would all choose the same time to go on holiday, stranger still that non of them would let anyone know
I agree but is there any evidence to suggest foul play
No Raman there isnt there is also no apparent link between the missing heroes at least not as yet and thats where we come in. I want you all to go around your contacts and see if they havent had any one report back to them that should have, we need a list of names how long its been and details of the last missions they where sent on once youve been round them all meet back here and we will try to find a link between them thats it guys unless there are any questions then lets move out.