The Dragon Sabre - Demon Shoutu [P5]
By
Damsel_EU,
Posted on: 2006-11-22 24:44 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
Go on Shin. Tell 'em how it is! Man he go'on kick all your sides in!
Part Five : Demon Shoutu
* Time warp
Part Four starts at 2.32pm
Part Five starts at 3.12pm
In those 40mns, the heroines entered the part 4 courtyard.
We can reasonably suppose part 4 truly starts when they face the guards in black.
The fight starts almost immediately and guards are dispatched quickly.
The longest part is the waiting in darkness. You mentioned twice "several minutes". Like 3 or 5 each time ? 10 ?
Then they fall into the trap, where part 5 starts.
From your own timing, 40mn were needed for the fight with the guards and the wait inside the building. Maybe then, change "several minutes" to better suit to your timing.
I thought everything happened over 15-20mn at best in part 4 and I suddenly leap to a 40mn timing.
Also
Part Four: Test of Faith
Mt. Kongur Xinyiang, China
Wednesday 11th October - 2:32pm
Part Five: Demon Shoutu
Wu Long Temple Mt. Kongur, Xinyiang, China
Tuesday 10th October - 3:12pm
Back in time :!
* Follow up of the fall
Now we learn they fell 800ft and there is 300ft more for a total depth of 1100ft.
Retrospectively, Meriam and Sabrina can truly talk during their fall. However, as you might have noticed, I was wondering that immediately : How can they talk for so long ?
The depth of the pit is a critical element. One, actually, our heroines should realise quickly. Yet, we have to wait for part 5 to be informed.
Still, it doesn't look that bad. I am reading your work as segmented parts, commenting as thoughts come.
If we read the end of part 4 and the beginning of part 5, we get the information quite quickly.
I still think you could hint the depth earlier so a reader wouldn't think "They didn't hit the ground yet ?"
And I trust you on the falling speed needed to go through the last 300ft.
* Fighting Shoutu
We are lacking a good description of what Shoutu is. He's a "giant monster", he looks "humanoid but coated with shadows, with red eyes". That's a bit short. So he is a giant humanoid ?
There might be a kind of concept opposition between "giant monster" and "humanoid". Generally, "monster" is refering to something which isn't humanoid. But Shoutu is.
I had to rethink my mental picture of Shoutu. First something monstrous (and giant), second to an "humanoid".
I think it is blurring the "identity" of the demon, which is also sounding to be tied to Sabrina ("my father would tell tales about you") so could deserve a better treatment if he is intended to be a mjor element for Sabrina.
I didn't understood exactly where they are fighting at first.
Meriam states "You want me to climb over nine-hundred feet"
According to your previous number, they fell 800ft, 300ft more to come, so 1100ft.
If they are at the bottom, it's 1100ft to climb up, not 900.
At some time, I tought maybe they were fighting somewhere during the descent, mid air.
But Sabrina " lost her footing" and Shoutu " staggered about before collapsing with a mighty thud."
So apparently, on the ground.
Beside the pit depth, we don't have a description of the bottom.
The fact the ground could be seen at the start of the fall, with Shoutu consuming darkness from the above room (1100ft above) looks to me a bit blurry.
You can probably leave a description of the bottom for either a vague description either for a later description.
Actually, the first thing that Sabrina will focus on is the opponent, the danger and the fight. She might not have much time to look at the surrounding.
I still think a mention would help to better picture the scene. Is the bottom cramped ? A large
cave ? Room ?
Again, I liked the fight. It strengthen Sabrina as a character of mythic status.
* Up from there
The characters then fly up the pit. I don't really know what was in the bottom. It's not important from a story structure point of view. The whole scene is a test.
Yet, the characters are exiting a place that is left beside.
Maybe it was Shoutu living space ? Maybe there are bones of his previous victims ? Mystical writings ?
From the bottom, you say " after several minutes of flying up the pit"
Several minutes to fly 1100ft
Say
2mn. It's a dashing 6 miles/hour speed (even less with more minutes of flying)
I just wonder if the flight speed is so low. I have no problem with it. Just wondering.
You are also saying " the tiny spark of light that was its exit began to fade"
However, the last references we have about the upper room are :
"The entire temple felt empty, completely enveloped in darkness. They waited in silence."
" Several minutes passed and yet, nothing"
" This darkness is alive"
So when they fell, the room was pitch black.
Now they can see the light of the exit (the room they were in).
I guess the place was lighted since but I think you might add something for clarity (pun intended). That they realised that, now, they could see the upper exit (which was a dark room until now)
Meriam kicking their way out was nice and again very mythic in style to me.
I just winced at the mention of a concrete lid. Concrete for such a mystical oriental temple
But maybe, here, it's a vocabulary problem. I understand "concrete" as a modern material.
* Isle ?
I really do not understand the reference " The two girls glance down the temple isle"
An isle ? I thought they were in a temple room. Maybe is it again a vocabulary problem ? I'd understand "isle" as "island".
I am also confused as the following description are about the surrounding room. I don't understand at what they are glancing down.
* More generally
I liked the style, still mythic as I said. Meriam jumping her way up, the fight, the atmosphere.
Thanks again, you've pointed out details that I should have provided, but clearly forgot to or missed out on.
To clarify, by the end of the fight with Shoutu (who is basically like a giant Igneous monster but more shadowy) the darkness in the temple had been sucked into him/it. I'll try and make this clearer. Also, Sabrina fought at the bottom of the pit while Meriam stayed up above, and it is her who lost her footing.
Isle is another repeated typo - I meant aisle. I'll probably change the concrete to stone. Glad you like the mythic feel, really glad. 
[u]The Dragon Sabre[u]
Part Five: Demon Shoutu
Wu Long Temple Mt. Kongur, Xinyiang, China
Tuesday 10th October - 3:12pm
Brina, your sword wont fly, we need another plan! Meriam screamed.
No! We must have faith! We will not crash. Not today!
Meriam could feel her grip loosening. Already they had fallen roughly eight-hundred feet and only three-hundred to go.
Brina, at the speed were falling, well crash in less than a minute! Im getting dizzy. Brina Meriams breathing had slowed to a dangerous rate; she shut her eyes in an attempt to calm down, but was now gasping for air, her throat tightening in as if trapped in a vacuum.
Meriam, look at me open your eyes and look at me
Slowly, Meriam re-opened her eyes and it dawned on her that they were slowly coming to a controlled descent. She let out relieved sigh and breathed in a giant cloud of air, panting.
Sabrina beamed. The test of faith, I think weve passed she joked, coming to a gentle hover but Meriam was incapable of forming words, still panting. Their moment of celebration was cut short.
Brina what in gods name is THAT?
Sabrina followed her gaze. Only twenty feet bellow stood a giant monster seemingly consuming the murky darkness from the room above. He looked humanoid, but coated entirely in shadow, his eyes bright red.
Arg! This is too easy. Okay sweetheart, youre getting heavy and I cant do this with your weight on my shoulder, Ill throw you as high as I can but its up to you to jump the rest.
You want me to climb over nine-hundred feet, jumping between two walls?
Yes. Go. Get outta here. Sabrina grabbed hold of Meriams arm and threw her up as high as she could. Meriam flew about fifty feet before landing on the vertical walls of the pit. Jump! Ill come give you a lift as soon as Im done down here
Gravity began to pull Meriam back down; she hadnt a second to spare. She wanted to call to Sabrina, to tell her to be careful, but she couldnt. She propelled off her hinds and flew up the pit, rebounding from wall to wall.
Nice to finally meet you Shoutu, ever since I was a kid my father would tell tales about you, exaggerated [censored] about Wu Longs adventures and the great demon Shoutu. Well here I am. I have come to fulfil my destiny.
Sword pointed, Sabrina flew directly at the monster at an amazing speed. Up came a shotgun of dark blasts which Dragonfly dodged effortlessly, disappearing amidst the darkness. The monster let out a mighty roar so loud it shook the pit entire.
Meriam was quickly loosing strength. Her legs were weak and she was still short of breath, at the roar of the demon, she lost her footing and began to fall, screaming at the top of her voice.
Sabrina reappeared, hovering behind Shoutu; she pulled her sword far over her head and struck the demon at the back of the neck. It shrieked in pain, swayed and staggered about before collapsing with a mighty thud.
The bigger they are the harder they fall. Meriams screams grew nearer and louder, Sabrina looked up and prepared herself to catch her. The two met mid-air, quickly grabbing hold of Meriam, Sabrina laughed. What you trying to do kill yourself?
I wanna I wanna go home. Lets go Brina Meriam muttered, in-between breaths.
Oh come off it
Meriam was close to tears. She sobbed. No! I couldve the first was a drop fine, but I fell Brina! Tumbling and spinning, and you werent there I thought I was going to I just want leave this hole. Please, let us go.
Sabrina stepped in to embrace her. Sorry. Im sorry She was beginning to regret bringing Meriam along to the Temple. Because youre going back tomorrow, I thought you would like a little adventure.
Oh Brina, I know. I agreed to come didnt I?
Maybe it is getting a bit dangerous. Manticores teleportation grid doesnt extend across the ocean.
Meriam laughed.
There. Now that weve got your smile back, lets get outta here before Wu Long decides to cave us in.
He wouldnt!
Taking firm hold of Meriam, Sabrina shot off up into the air, sword outstretched.
Hes not exactly a nice guy you know. I wouldnt put it past him
And sure enough, after several minutes of flying up the pit, the tiny spark of light that was its exit began to fade.
See? Hes closing the exit. Sabrina laughed.
Nah-ah! Im getting out of here, no matter what. Brina, well have to force our way through
Thats the spirit
Keep flying and throw me again just before impact. Im guessing... well, hoping that the lid is concrete but either way, Ill smash it apart
Woo oh! Now thats the inner Angel talking said Sabrina hauling Meriam into the air like a cannonball. She rolled and somersaulted, unfolding at the last moment to deliver a shattering back heel strike to the lid. Several cracks opened up and light shone through.
I was right. Its concrete said Meriam, falling back into Sabrinas grip.
Wait. Before we go again, prepare yourself for anything. Wu Long will probably be waiting for us out there.
Kay.
Sabrina hauled her into the air to deliver a second strike.
Ayee yah! Meriam screamed as she brought through a mighty fly kick. It sent her straight through the concrete seal and into the temple. Dragonfly followed. Whoa! Big room
The two girls glance down the temple isle. From the ceiling hung great black drapes of cloth emblazed with Chinese calligraphy. The room itself was a vastness of wet black stone and fluttering cloth. There were no windows but sunlight etched in through gaps in the stonework giving the room a strange mystical feel, a war between light and shadow. He stood at the other end of the isle, a dark motionless figure. A moment of silence.
The Heir of San. I have been expecting you.
[Blackout. to be continued]