The Dragon Sabre - Militia Escort [P1]
By
Damsel_EU,
Posted on: 2006-11-12 23:47 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
Commenting again on here mate, story reads well and very descriptive. KIU. 
Please understand I post my comments after reading each part.
It means I have no knowledge of what is coming next.
So far, some questions I can raise might have an answer later.
From your point of view, my comments are then the one from a regular reader. I also have to say I only have a superficial knowledge of the Militia and its members.
Part One : Militia Escort
* about the complex
The entire structure is 100m². It is quite small, only 10m x 10m. The biggest room is 40m², I hope there isn't much furniture in it because, with 8 people in, for a meeting, it can easily be cramped. 8 people for 40m² (without furniture), it's 5m² each, or 2,5m x 2m, barely much more what most of people are seeing as their "personal space".
I suggest to either drop actual numbers or make the whole place bigger.
* About Igor Noren-ko
"his body was textured with blur fur" ? Or "blue fur " ?
* Amber and Mer'de talk
Well Ive spoken to The Minister and he really did say well be issued with a dimensional spacecraft, Amber said Merde.
Really, are you sure? Because I thought it was just an ordinary jet. Not that Im disputing your statement Merde
You are repeating the name Mer'de. It is needed to have it mentioned as you are naming the character here, but maybe not twice in two sentence.
In the first sentence, Mer'de is probably the aforementioned "baby colossus" but as there is 8 people in the room, a reader might not be certain. There is a slight risk of confusion, from my point of view.
I'd then suggest to write
"
dimensional spacecraft", says the Journere
"
Not that I'm disputing your statement, Mer'de"
I believe it could help to tie three names you used 1/ Journere 2/ Igor Noren-ko 3/ Mer'de and avoid repeating "Mer'de".
* Igor, Amber, Dragonfly, Meriam descriptions
We got a quite good description of three of the four first mentioned characters. Yet, Amber is getting less love. We know she is "fond of leather clothing" but compared to the treatment of Sabrina and Meriam, it's quite short (or even Igor).
I was wondering, when reading, why you wrote so many details for all of them save Amber.
* Nuntius Angelus and Pious Hunter
When this character was introduced, I wondered how Mer'de could plainly be mistaken about the identities. And, if so, why he doesn't break a sweat over it.
I guess that if you are welcoming someone in your "team", call him Nuntius Angelus, it's probably because you expect that person to be Nuntius Angelus. Then Pious corrects the mistake. He isn't Nuntius Angelus. But doesn't it change a thing for Mer'de ?
Apparently, Mer'de (or the team) is expecting Nuntius Angelus, as stated by Pious ("yet you insist on his aid"). This expectation looks high as Mer'de states Nuntius Angelus being one of the "legendary warriors", here suggesting fame, or power, or resources, whatever, from all of them.
But it isn't Nuntious Angelus, it is Pious Hunter. So ?
* Recall
You wrote He cant. But no matter, I will recall our luggage and weaponry okay?
Recall... ? Like in.. remember ?
I suppose you are refering to a "game Recall" so teleporting to you.
Beware of using game slang in a story. Even if you intend to aim at a CoH gamer audience, you might finally use words that a reader might misinterpret. If you consider a regular, non gamer, reader, "recall" will probably have no meaning to him.
* Characters in the room
We know there is 8 people in the room. Then enter Dragonfly, so 9, then 10 with Force Commander (for a 40m² room, including at least one large round table and 8 chairs at least (they are all sitting at first)  )
Igor (Mer'de) and Saffron Mackenzie (Amber) are identified.
Then Sabrina (Dragonfly)
Then Meriam.Kesser (Masked Angel)
Sergeant Stone, Gauius Somnium, Ebon Tear, Pious Hunter
Derek
Force Commander
So the original 8 are : Igor, Saffron Mackenzie, Meriam, Sergeant Stone, Gauius Somnium, Ebon Tear, Pious Hunter, Derek.
Unless Derek is the "normal" name of Sergeant Stone or Gauius Somnium or Ebon Tear. Then I miss one. I am just not 100% certain about my own counting.
Summary of comments :
- leveled descriptions of characters. Amber got an unfair treatment. The other solution is to give a bit less details about Meriam and Sabrina
- explanation about Nuntious Angelus and Pious Hunter. There is apparently a confusion from Mer'de but no consequence, no impact
- make the room bigger or don't rely on actual numbers for descriptions 
* about the complex
Wow, you're right. I like so totally used the wrong numbers. I'll just not use numbers. 
* About Igor Noren-ko
Typo. I meant blue fur.
* Amber and Mer'de talk
You're right. "...dimensional spacecraft", says the Journere. sounds better.
* Igor, Amber, Dragonfly, Meriam descriptions
Just so I don't bore the readers with too much detail, I've tried to give a full picture of the two main characters while keeping it brief on supporting roles.
* Nuntius Angelus and Pious Hunter
The thing here is these two people are one and the same person. I guess it would be confusing for the reader, you're right. I'll either remove him from the meeting or explain the split personality better in some way.
* Recall
Yeah, this was one of those duex ex moments, when Sabrina cannot actually teleport or recall (by memory) herself, person or object without the actual sword. I think it'd have been simpler to just have Mer'de transport them and their luggage held on them. Thanks for point this out.
* Characters in the room
Yes. The original eight present at the meeting are Igor, Saff, Meriam, Sergeant Stone, Gausius Somnium, Ebon Tear, Pious Hunter/Nuntius and Derek. Then Sabrina entered, followed by FC. I wouldn't get hung up on this if I were you. lol. Did you find it confusing, or something?
Thanks a million for the comments Faery, its what I needed to edit and improve the story. You're really good at this aren't you, you should be like an editor or something. I look forward to seeing what you think of the following chapters.
* descriptions
Giving too much or not enough details in descriptions is often a difficult choice. And descriptions, as a whole, requires a lot of vocabulary and "feeling".
However, as you are describing four characters in a relatively short time (not to write but to read), it looks odd.
Try to keep an equal level of treatment of your characters.
Hint a couple of details which are important but do not consider detailing main characters is a major thing to immadiately do.
Especially if you later consider it done and will never again desribe those characters.
An author often has a clear mental^picture of his characters so doesn't feel the need to "repeat" elements.
Generally, especially in fan fiction over internet, it leads to characters absolutely dressed the same throughout all stories, described once and for all.
A reader, however, has to build the mental picture from scratch.
If you go for a complete description in chapter 1, paragraph 1 to never describe anything later, the mental picture might become blurry in the reader mind.
Or, when you mention a character using a specific details from his or her description, the reader might think "Wait ? Who ?"
Let's say you described Mer'de as blue furred. To never mention again this details during the 10 following chapters.
At chapter 12, you type "the blue furred hero...". A reader might have totally have forgotten this detail and wonder who you are talking about.
[u]The Dragon Sabre[u]
Part One: Militia Escort
Militia Headquarters - Founders Falls, Paragon City
Monday 9th October - 8:03am (UTC)
Deep underneath the Wayne Towers laid a complex structure of steel and iron, a technological fortress of bright lights and state of the art alien equipment. The entire structure was a hundred metres square, fully kitted with teleportation beacons at several destinations across Paragon City; these were used for immediate response to emergency Police calls. The largest room, forty metres square was used for general meetings; this is where eight members of the Militia now sat, engaged in casual chat.
A commanding presence was the baby colossus, Igor Noren-ko who had already grown two extra feet in the last three months. The creature wasnt human, but one of the last of an ancient species known to the French as Journere. He was over nine feet tall and six feet wide, muscles four times the size of the average human head. His body was textured with blur fur and clothed in brown soil. The Journere are by nature, predators of the wilderness and masters of the elements. Those similar in appearance to gorillas live inside the earth, those shaped like fish live underwater, and some are winged snake-like beasts who live high among the clouds. But most daunting to humans is the sheer size of the beasts. Those who live over eighteen-hundred years can grow to over a hundred feet long and tall.
Igor Noren-ko was in conversation with the young Saffron MacKenzie, a mutant girl with amplified sonic abilities. She often wore her long ginger hair graciously across one side of her face and was fond of leather clothing. Stood next to the eighty-year old Journere, she looked like a blade of grass staring up at an old oak tree.
Well Ive spoken to The Minister and he really did say well be issued with a dimensional spacecraft, Amber said Merde.
Really, are you sure? Because I thought it was just an ordinary jet. Not that Im disputing your statement Merde
Ah, here she is. I must take the table now Amber, let us continue our discussion later.
The young Ninja, Sabrina San, better known as Dragonfly had entered the room, her blade; the Golden Dragonfly katana tentatively balancing three bags of luggage as it levitated along its masters wake. She took her seat at the large round conference table, next to the Masked Angel; young Meriam Kesser, her new girlfriend. Although their relationship was still somewhat timid, the two girls enjoyed the company of each other. However, Meriams usually olive complexion did turn a customary shade of red at the sight of Sabrina. It contrasted against the pure white of her body-length cotton trenchcoat, lined along the cuffs, hood and hems with fluffy white fur. Beneath, one could make out a white belly top with matching short skirt and fluffy white boots. Had her father, a strict Muslim, so much as smelt these fabrics, the lie of a school trip to China wouldve been blown to pieces.
Hey sweetheart said Dragonfly.
Hey Brina Meriam replied, in a self-conscious whisper.
Sabrina herself looked very much in-shape in her sky blue furry waistcoat, complete with matching earmuffs and mitts. She wore dark blue jeans with large white and blue woolly boots. One could physically note the awkward air between the young girls; clearly something had been left undiscussed. Sabrina made an effort to break the ice.
Theres this fabulous new store down the Sixth Lane, thats where I got these jeans, theyre really warm. Inside, its actually lined with suede. Sabrina gossiped. Reading the puzzled look on Meriams face, she added on. Now, I know what youre thinking, 'What? Denim and suede?' but it really does feel good. And oh the patterns, take a close look Angel
Meriam leant in to examine the texture of the denim; she felt the patterns along Sabrinas thigh which involuntarily shuddered to her touch. Meriam quickly withdrew her hands and froze in her seat with a guilty look etched on her face as though shed just been caught stealing from her mothers purse. Sabrina looked rather annoyed and a little embarrassed; she decided simply to pay attention to Merde.
For bringing New Mafia to a stand still at Sirens Call. Now, before we say goodbye to our two departing friends, I would like to take this opportunity to welcome to our ranks, four legendary warriors here to aid the Militia in the ongoing battle against crime and evil, ladies and gentlemen; Sergeant Stone, Gauisus Somnium, Ebon Tear and Nuntius Angelus.
Applaud welcomed the four guests, almost drowning out the voice of one bearded man, in a plain white trenchcoat.
I am not Angelus, can you people not tell the difference? I dont even speak Latin. Hello?
Angelus, you have something to say? Merde asked.
Yes the man exclaimed, getting out of his seat to stand up. I am Pious. Okay, Pious Hunter. Hear me? No Latin and no pompous want of attention Pious explained. He despised his alter ego and the bad reputation that followed it, strangely enough, he noted, Angelus had nothing but a good reputation in this reality, and for that, he hated him more. Im not even Christian he added, before taking his seat.
My sincerest apologies Mister Hunter, a mere case of mistaken identity, I meant no offence.
None taken Pious muttered. Apologies for moaning, I just really dislike Angelus, he is far too powerful and a great danger to this realm, I cannot stress this enough, yet you insist on his aid.
Please, Mister Hunter, let us save this discussion for another day. Merde dismissed, much to Pious dismay. He threw both hands limply through the air in an annoyed gesture and muttered something inaudibly. Dragonfly, Angel, I wish you a good holiday in China.
Sunshine, do not give away that sword okay? Just get it fixed d**n you. Derek suggested. He was a short Caucasian man of average build and dark black hair as wild as a hurricane, sweeping backwards over his shoulder. He rose from his seat to kiss Sabrina goodbye and others followed suit. The room had once again sprung to life as people walked across the room to bid their goodbyes, laughing and chatting among themselves.
As planned, I will swim across soils to China and recall you both through the wind. Merde need not struggle to be heard over the noise of chatter for even his inhuman voice box was capable of volumes harmful to the human ear. Estimated time of arrival - thirty minutes and counting. Expect my call across the com-links ladies. Meeting adjourned. With that, Merde fell through the earth, disappearing from sight.
Force Commander entered the room in haste, late as usual. He wore the Militia uniform assigned to him; a black body-firm overall with two vertical blue stripes along the sides. He had attached a skin-firm eye mask which further emphasised his authority. Completing his respectable appearance was the ever-gleaming bald head, perfectly proportioned to his slim build. He approached the two girls and quickly wished them farewell before announcing an emergency Police call over at Independence Port. Without delay, the team took off, leaving Meriam and Sabrina alone at headquarters waiting for transport.
For an uncomfortable while, the girls said nothing. Sabrinas mind was suddenly crowded with replays and annotations of her conversation with Nadia, better known as the Sword of Truth, two nights back. She had advised Sabrina essentially to ease off a little and give the young girl room to make her own decisions and be the influence of her own actions. Indeed, after Sabrina had said nothing, Meriam spoke.
Sorry about last night. You you asked how I felt about our first kiss and I gave you an honest answer it was beautiful, something of a fantasy. Meriam paused. Sabrina knew where this was going, or at least she hoped for it. But later you leant in for nothing other than a goodnight kiss and I couldnt do it Im sorry.
Sabrina pondered for a while, wandering what would be the better reaction in this situation. She pitied Meriam. Whereas she was a grown adult at eighteen, she knew that Meriam was still experiencing adolescence at fifteen and couldnt help but feel somewhat guilty for encouraging a romantic relationship.
No Sabrina whispered. I should be the one thats sorry. Maybe I shouldnt have kissed you on Circe Island, I mean, I pretty much planned out the whole thing, and now I feel like Im taking advantage of you. Its not that youre three years younger than me, but because youre three years less mature Sabrina sighed, looking Meriam directly in the eyes. Admittedly, that is a part of you that I love most.
Meriam lowered her head in thought, but also to conceal the shade of red her cheeks had become. Sabrina too looked away. Could it be that she was merely clutching at the young Meriam Kesser out of desperation for someone to hold, to love and to call her own. The only other person she had ever had throughout her life was her mother, who had sacrificed herself to save her only daughter less than a month ago. Despite Sabrinas best efforts, a single tear escaped her eyes. Discreetly, she wiped it off with the back of her hands.
#Dragonfly, Angel, do you read me?# a voice travelled across their communication links.
#Monsieur Merde, we hear you loud and clear# Meriam replied, glancing over at Sabrina for confirmation that she too could hear.
#Excellent. I am in position; prepare for a rapid rollercoaster through the wind#
#Wait, what about our bags Monsieur Merde# Meriam asked.
He cant. But no matter, I will recall our luggage and weaponry okay? Dragonfly suggested.
#Actually, never mind about those Monsieur, Sabrina has volunteered to do the recall#
#Just as well# Replied Merde and at a circular gush of wind and leaves, the two lovers disappeared.
[Blackout. to be continued]