The Dragon Sabre - Wu Long [P6]
By
Damsel_EU,
Posted on: 2006-11-25 11:02 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
O.o Girls got pawn'd!
Part Six : Wu Long
* Wu Long talks
Why does he talk in English ? Sabrina looks to understand and speak Chinese well. Unless Wu Long doesn't expect the heroines to understand Chinese ?
You are saying Wu Long body is consumed. But by what ? How ? I didn't understand that part.
* "Swordmaster" or "sword, master"
"I have with me your sword Master"
While the meaning was finally obvious, my first thought was "what ? a swordmaster ?". Sometimes a missing comma produce funny thoughts 
* Fighting energy balls
The scene :
"They were under heavy fire but the energy balls merely hit with physical force.
What do we do? Is it another test Meriam questioned.
Err
I think so. Lets get him.
The two girls fought through the energy balls but they hit with such weight it felt like great big stones"
First, you are saying the balls merely hit with physical force. So I expected another effect with each hit. Later, you are saying the heroines are hit with such weight, like big stones.
So I have trouble to fully picture the scene.
The mention of "stone" is generally directly related to something physical, tough, hard.
So, from my reading, we have "energy balls which merely hit with physical force but feel like great big stones".
I believe I understand what you mean but the conceptual opposition between "mere physical force" and "stones" might create confusion for readers.
Meriam stance here is a bit curious to me as we have :
"balls of dark energy flew in a large cone directly at the girls. Sabrina dodged and dodged again"
What do we do? Is it another test Meriam questioned"
"The two girls fought through the energy balls "
Despite having a large cone of flying energy balls aimed also at her, Meriam doesn't look to react.
More, she even "questions" Sabrina about what is happening.
It's only a bit later we learn she is fighting alongside Sabrina.
The "questionning" created, to me, a picture of Meriam, hands in the pockets, with flying energy balls around her, asking casually a dodging Sabrina what is happening.
I suggest to use another verb than "question" when Meriam has her line here, to underline the fact she is also under attack.
An earlier mention of Meriam dodging or doing something could help too. Depends a lot of how you would write her line.
Something like :
"What do we do? Is it another test", shouted Meriam as she was jumping and crouching to avoid the balls
Finally, "fighting" through the balls is difficult to picture to me. Are the heroines striking the balls ? Just dodging ?
Fighting suggest landing blows on an opponent. So there, I was wondering what they were doing exactly.
* Meriam was struck
"It collided with great force and slowly penetrated her skin, exiting through the back. She fell unconscious in an instant"
Meriam is struck by a dart.
However, as I read it, it left me thinking :
" It collided with great force" Fast projectile
" slowly penetrated her skin" but once hitting, pierce the skin slowly
" exiting through the back" ok, slowly but already exiting in the back
" fell unconscious in an instant" All of this during an instant ?
I felt as if the scene was oscillating between a fast action one (Meriam suddenly struck, fall unconscious) and a slow dramatic scene (Sabrina has the time to realise the horror).
Like a kind of fast-slow-fast scene.
I again think I understand what you wanted to write. But it looks a bit odd to me.
It can probably be enhanced with some edition and rewording ?
""It collided with great force, sending Meriam staggering backward and started to slowly penetrate her skin. A couple of long seconds passed as Sabrina looks at Meriam in horror and she realised the dart was now exiting through her friend's back. And then Meriam collapsed."
Sabrina standing a couple of seconds can sound ok. The heroines already went through the balls of energy to reach Wu Long. I imagine you can make her look at Meriam fate.
You also used a "A moment of shocked silence" just after so obviously there were no other immédiate danger for Sabrina.
Finally, "Sabrina shouted something in Chinese ".
Tell us what she is shouting ?
If it is not really important, say something like "Sabrina cursed in Chinese".
Unless what she shouts there has a story importance that will be revealed later ?
Helpful links to parts 1-5 could be nice too so its easy for the newcomer to pick it up right.
He will honor his words; he will definitely carry out his actions. What he promises he will fulfill. He does not care about his bodily self, putting his life and death aside to come forward for another's troubled besiegement. He does not boast about his ability, or shamelessly extol his own virtues. - Sima Qian.
Like oh my god look who it is. Tanker's section is a few pages lower. *punchline* 
Anyway, look here.
Hehe thanks for the direction i'd be sure not to lose my way again and yep those links are very useful and very worth it imo.
He will honor his words; he will definitely carry out his actions. What he promises he will fulfill. He does not care about his bodily self, putting his life and death aside to come forward for another's troubled besiegement. He does not boast about his ability, or shamelessly extol his own virtues. - Sima Qian.
[u]The Dragon Sabre[u]
Part Six: Wu Long
Wu Long Temple Mt. Kongur, Xinyiang, China
Tuesday 10th October - 3:31pm
The Heir of San. I have been expecting you.
Sabrina signalled Meriam to kneel into a low bow as she led by example. Her sword produced before her in a passive posture. Master Wu Long Sabrina greeted.
You have defeated my junior squad of Ninja and my youngest Shoutu. Well done. Wu Longs snake-like voice hissed and echoed across the temple hall. Although he spoke in English, a thick Chinese accent carried through.
Too right you faceless [censored] Sabrina whispered. The two girls giggle. As Wu Long stepped forward, his features became visible. His head was a hollow black skull. His body was consumed under the shadow of his long draping cape, a silk cloak that flowed off his shoulders like a river of deep black ink. Most distinct however was his bright yellow wig. It threw the girls into a rhyme of concealed laughter.
You have earned my audience. Now speak Wu Long commanded, but the two girls just snorted and giggled. Sabrina coughed quietly, struggling to put on a straight face.
I have with me your sword Master. I think it is broken Sabrina and Meriam bust into giggles yet again, unable to mask their amusement.
The Golden Dragonfly, its power surges through your blood young San. You must learn to control what is it? Why do you laugh?!
The two girls fell silent. Wu Long was angered. He spoke harsh words in Chinese.
Imbecile, your village is under attack and you are here laughing? Do you not know that Li Mu has been brought back from Hades? Fools! Young miscreants! I shall teach you to wake up!
S**t! cried Sabrina.
What? What is he saying? Meriam questioned. Tell him to calm down and keep his wig on, were here to fix the sword right?
Long screamed something in Chinese.
Meriam look out!
A hundred balls of dark energy flew in a large cone directly at the girls. Sabrina dodged and dodged again but was hit and hit again. They were under heavy fire but the energy balls merely hit with physical force.
What do we do? Is it another test Meriam questioned.
Err I think so. Lets get him.
The two girls fought through the energy balls but they hit with such weight it felt like great big stones. Cut and bruise, they charged on. Finally within twenty feet of Wu Long, he cast another spell.
A wide torrent of dark energy shot across the floor, knocking the girls backwards into the air. They somersaulted skilfully in mid-air and came to a controlled landing.
F**k, Im bleeding all over these new clothes Sabrina moaned.
This guys better than you made him out to be Brina
Wu Long bellowed another spell in Chinese. A river of negative energy crawled along the black stone flooring. Giant tentacles suddenly shot out to imprison the two girls.
Wu Long muttered, rising slowly into the air. His black skull glowing.
Were trapped Meriam cried.
We can break out. Focus. We just need to get close to him. Ill cut off that silly wig of his. You deal him some heavy blows and hes back off. He cant really fight, hes just a magician.
Wu Long assumed a firing posture in mid-air, leaning back and straining his whole body, building up power through his right arm.
No. NO! Sabrina cried. A thick dart of darkness shot through Wu Longs right arm and flew across the room like a jet, straight through Meriams chest. It collided with great force and slowly penetrated her skin, exiting through the back. She fell unconscious in an instant.
A moment of shocked silence. Sabrinas eyes couldnt believe what she had just witnessed. Her rage was quickly building up. The Golden Dragonfly katana glowed bright red. Sabrina shouted something in Chinese and shot through the air, sword outstretched. Wu Long raised an arm.
[Blackout. to be continued]