The Dragon Sabre - Test of Faith [P4]
By
Damsel_EU,
Posted on: 2006-11-21 11:29 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
I'm just gonna keep replying to up my post count 
Seriously though, I loved the fighting, wish it were longer. Now keep writing, I want to know what happens next!
Part Four : Test of Faith
* Mount Kongur
Again I am lost about geography here. There is a Mount Kongur in the Xinjiang province.
So where is the action taking place ?
Xinjiang ? Xinyiang ?
So, now I think part 2 was set in the Xinjiang province, not the Xinyiang town of the Henan province. Am I right ?
I think you should at least mention if you are speaking of a province or a town when mentioning Xinyiang. Having details is nicer than staying vague and it set the story. On the other hand, details are easier to check.
The exact wording of Xinyiang doesn't help, as it is a chinese word and the english version can vary depending on the article, the author (like the two which can be apparently written differently).
* Battle suits and blackness
"All twelve of them were uniformed in black; black battle suits and black katana"
A battle suit
like
a Stormtrooper armour but in black ? I don't know what a "battle suit" is here. I imagine it's a somewhat light "armour", not a cumbersome thing but what is it exactly, I don't know. Reinforced ? Padded ?
There is also a black overdose here.
6 uses of "black" in 131 words for the scene description. About one every two lines.
The scenery is good and create easily (to me at least) a good mental picture of it.
Using so many times the word "black" is a matter of style. On one hand, it truly emphasises the "blackness" of the situation. On the other, I think there are missed opportunities to describe differently and enhance the scene.
Usually, repeating one word is more creating a list, like hammering a concept, a thing, a description.
Maybe by rewriting the rapid initial succession of blackness "black, black suits and black katanas" would ease a bit. That single line made a lot for the overdose to me.
When the description ends, we get another black reminder.
"Sabrina approached one of the men dressed in black" (it will happen again later with a "gush of black sand" and a "great black door")
As there are only men dressed in black (beside the heroines), I think it's unnecessary to repeat it again.
* Hanfu strikes back
This time, you mentionned again "Hanfu". Yet, you described what it is now.
I think you should move that description in part 3 rather than waiting for part 4 to inform unfamiliar readers what a Hanfu is.
* The fight
I really enjoyed it. The description, the moves, reminded me a mythic tale. I found the whole fight scene quite evocative and somewhat true to the mythic oriental tales (from my limited experience).
I am saying here "mythic" as opposed to "modern" descriptions. Sabrina fighting abilities, her moves, supported by Meriam, it's the stuff of mythic heroes. The fight doesn't last long so it set the heroines are truly good warriors. Like mythic heroes.
If you read old tales, mythic tales, it's rare fights are described in details. It's more a modern thing.
So I liked the scene : fast, blazing, mythic.
* Trap and fall
I noticed that Meriam, then later Sabrina, are able to say several lines when falling.
So it must be a very deep pit they are falling in. Not a problem to me but maybe could you underline that. The pit is awfully deep, it will hurt a lot, they are going to die.
Sabrina can see the ground racing up to them, can she see walls ? Also, before falling, they were in complete darkness. Now Sabrina can see. Is the ground lighted ?
Meriam initial line is quite long and somewhat dramatic. It suggests to me it's a long fall, really, otherwise they would already have hit the ground before she can even finish her first line.
I don't know how much "falling time" is needed to say all the character lines but I think it's long.
Use that to maximise the danger of the pit. Make it a trap for mythic heroes ?
Yay more grilling, brilliant! Xinjiang is where I have set most of the story - more typos, thanks for bringing that to my attention.
All twelve of them were uniformed in light armour and armed with the katana. They wore black to emphasis the theme of the Clan. - Reads better I think.
Glad you enjoyed the fight. Always good to have a compliment in there somewhere and the pit is extraordinarily deep - I thought I mentioned this? Its also lit at the bottom, where the monster lives.
[u]The Dragon Sabre[u]
Part Four: Test of Faith
Mt. Kongur Xinyiang, China
Wednesday 11th October - 2:32pm
Climbing Mount Kongur was the easy part but now, in the courtyards of a large temple, our girls faced a wall of armed warriors stood on their path as still as pillars. All twelve of them were uniformed in black; black battle suits and black katana. The courtyard itself was roughly eighty feet long and forty feet wide, decorated with an array of black flowers, plants and trees. Even the fine sand at their feet was black. Beyond the human wall, the temple itself was constructed entirely of black stone and bamboo, with two white drapes on either sides of its grand stairway. On the drapes was Chinese calligraphy which read Wu Long Temple. The magnificent building stood out vividly along the snowy-white mountain, thirty feet tall and seventy feet deep.
Sabrina approached one of the men dressed in black and spoke in Chinese.
Were here to see Master Wu Long
Then prepare for the test of skill one of the men replied, in a challenging tone. Sabrina wheeled around and nodded to Meriam. In the blink of an eye, the two girls had shed their climbing gear, revealing identical Hanfu, tailored in white silk for Meriam and black for Sabrina, decorated with several oriental patterns. The gowns were sleeveless with long waist-high slits across the thigh which divided the skirting into two halves; the front covering and back. This was a battle attribute which allowed for loose, free movement and complete flexibility in combat. Sabrina unsheathed the Golden Dragonfly katana and Meriam assumed her battle stance.
In a sudden gush of black sand, all twelve warriors charged in for an initial attack. Meriam welcomed them all with a mighty roundhouse kick in a wide arc that knocked all twelve back across the sand. She remained bent over as Sabrina rolled across her back to give the second wave a swift slice across the chest. She thrust her blade through one warriors garment, bent over under him and threw him over her head, knocking him out cold with the butt of her blade. Meriam had all eleven men surrounding her with their katana poised, a situation Sabrina took immediate advantage off. She leapt ten feet into the air and hovered up there, suspended by the Golden Dragonfly.
Angel! she called down. Meriam responded and leapt high over Sabrina as she fell towards the earth, bringing her blade down in a mighty whirl like a falling helicopter-leaf. Lotus Drops she howled in Chinese, and her blade came down upon the men without mercy, dicing there flesh like the spinning scythe of a kitchen blender. She spun and spun until a small whirlwind erupted from her feet, knocking the flesh-ridden warriors of Wu Long clear over the courtyard fence.
Well executed Meriam commented.
Same for you Angel Sabrina replied. Thats the easiest test of them all, let us hurry inside
They make their way across the black sand and up the everlasting flight of stairs.
Will those guys be okay? You cut them pretty bad with that spinning attack
Like you, their Chi focus is beyond normal, they will regenerate soon enough. Especially that Xing-Li, hes usually better than this you know, but I think he was holding back because he saw you.
Whos Xing-Li, which one?
The one I took out first. Anyway, were here. Tap the door
Meriam knocked on the great black door and it slid open along a wooden pulley. The girls stepped inside and the door slammed shut behind them. The entire temple felt empty, completely enveloped in darkness. They waited in silence.
So whats going to happen Meriam whispered. Brina, Brina where are you?
Shh. Im right here, be quiet
Right, okay
Several minutes passed and yet, nothing. Until suddenly, Sabrina felt something clasp onto her arm, she jumped in a panic.
Its me. Sorry I Meriam muttered.
God, dont scare me like that!
Brina what kind of a test is this, patience? Because I am incredibly bored right now, not to mention creepd out by this murky darkness I cant see a thing.
Just relax. And yes, you have permission to hold my hand. Sabrina joked. Can you smell that?
Yes, and Im afraid I feel it too. This darkness is alive. Remind me again why were here?
Wu Long
Well yes, I know his name but hes Tsoo for Gods sake, how do you know this isnt a big trap?
Shh! Sabrina ordered, listening intently.
What?
The girls stood firm for several minutes, waiting, nervous. Without warning, the floor disappeared beneath them.
[censored]! Hold on tight Sabrina scrambled for the Golden Dragonfly. She produced the sword and thrust it high above her head, ordering it to fly her. Nothing. Fly d**n you! Fly
Oh my God, Brina, were falling. We really are falling. This is some sort of pit. I can see the ground far beneath us. Oh God! Brina, why is your sword not flying?
FLY! Sabrina yelled, fear swelling up inside her, she looked down and noticed the ground below racing up to meet her. Meriam, hold onto me, you hear? I wont allow us to crash.
Hold on to you? Brina, what does it look like Im doing? Whats wrong with your sword?! Oh my God, were going to die.
Meriam, shut up. Trust me on this one. Were not meant to die today and you know it! Have faith in me. This sword WILL fly!
[Blackout. to be continued]