The Dragon Sabre - Great Wall of China [P3]
By
Damsel_EU,
Posted on: 2006-11-15 21:16 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
Yup, definately my favourite so far. I just love the Hanfu. 
Part three : Great Wall of China
* space-time warp
Part 2 is said to happen on Monday, 9th october.
Sabrina stated "We'll make a trip out to Bangkok tomorrow", so on the 10th.
However, part 3 starts on the 10th and they are not in Bangkok.
Side notes :
- part three having "Great Wall of China" in its title, I now presume you set the part two in the Xinyiang town of the Henan province, and not the mountainous Xinjiang province. From what it seems, the wall doesn't run into the Xinjiang province at all.
Also, going from Xinyiang to Beijing in less than one day looks to be quite
quick. From my guessing, it should be more than 300 miles, straight.
However, characters, like for the mention of Bangkok, might have travelled by heroic means. But we don't know. You don't tell us.
I was quite surprised by the casual tone "let's go shopping to Bangkok", as a side note
We know your characters were in the Henan yesterday, in Bangkok this morning, now in Beijing.
How did they travel that fast ?
Later we will learn abour running super fast. It can, somewhat, explain the trip from Xinyiang to Beijing in less than a day but from Xinyang to Bangkok and back to Beijing in less than a day ?
* the Wall itself
I don't know if Beijing is surrounded by mountains and how close to the city the Wall is, I trust you on this. A twenty feet high wall looks good (seems the average height is from 15 to 30 ft)
* Descriptions again
" Sabrina wore the long, luxurious, blood red Hanfu"
I don't know what is a Hanfu. You could have written "she was wearing a blood red Xj55he98zgheyg", I would feel the same.
Don't assume your reader is familiar with terms, especially when very specific. Or, mention them but don't forget to explain at some point.
"Hanfu" doesn't sound to be in the cultural knowledge of most western readers, I think.
If "Hanfu" is important for your character, rather than just saying "a robe", "a tunic" and so on, explain why you choosed a "Hanfu".
The mention of the word (repeated) becomes critical when you don't know what it is but Sabrina tells " how beautiful you look in Hanfu", followed by " You look much better in Hanfu than I do"
Beside the fact I still don't know what clothing it is, I am on the verge of a Hanfu overdose.
The word is used 4 times in 268 words, so about once every 70 words, so, almost once every three lines, roughly (with an average of 20 words per line)
Drop the repeated use of "Hanfu", explain us what it is. First it will help understanding, second, it will allow you to use other words than "Hanfu".
* Run !
" They moved like Ninja" sounded odd.
The expression is coming loaded with assumptions, I think. Ok, there is a description following (gracefully, fast).
However, there is an implied fascination for Ninjas here that, sorry, I don't share. But let me explain.
So, the implied awesomeness of "They moved like Ninja" has no real meaning for me. I am rather interested by "how it is awesome".
My only comment, which is here very subjective, is to not assume everyone will be impressed by a mention of "They moved like Ninja". For some readers, I guess it will trigger a "Wow", to me it triggered a "Hu ?"
I'd suggest to keep the mention of Ninja, because it's apparently part of the theme but rewrite the description, not starting with that mention which is too loaded with assumptions, but keeping it for a bit later maybe ?
Then the run itself.
They are sprinting over 50 miles/hour. Still it must not be much more (or you would have say "over 60 miles/hour"). So 50 miles/hour is a fair guessing for a reader, a base to refer.
Now, the characters are running over 300km.
First, I am not british so I am not sure about it but mixing scale references might create useless difficulties (you already mixed in part one, using metres and feet). For me, it is confusing. From miles/hour to kilometres, I am obliged to do maths in my mind.
At 50 miles/hour, during three hours, it is running over about 240 km. But you say they ran over 300km.
To run 300km in three hours, they should run at a bit more than 60 miles/hours.
So, change the speed mentioned to 60 miles/hours or the time spent running or reduce the distance travelled.
* Sleep
You said about Meriam "despite the eight-hour time difference...". This statement is quite unexpected at this time of the story.
It wasn't mentionned the previous day, when they were in the Henan. I advice to suggest, hint that somewhere during part 2.
The 8 hour time difference isn't obviously between the Henan province and Beijing.
Now I am not certain here
But, it looks that an 8 hours time difference is from Europe. Isn't Paragon City in USA ?
From US eastern coast to Beijing, it looks there is a 11-12 hours difference (+ a change in the date but it's not important here.)
* Why in Beijing ?
Arriving at the end of part 3, I wondered : "why are they in Beijing ?"
Part 2 looked to be intricately tied to Sabrina family and past. She got a warning.
But the day later, the two girls are enjoying running over the Great Wall.
Retrospectively, I can also wonder why they went to Xinyiang ? Apparently save receiving some news, Sabrina didn't intend to act.
Or is there something to find, learn in Beijing ?
Yeah lots of errors in there, thanks for pointing them out. Will use your post when editting.
However, it's probably best to clarify a few things, that I probably should have in the text:
Sabrina lives near Kashgar in Xinjiang.
Angel is here, essentially on vacation and so Sabrina took her to see the Great Wall to entertain her.
She isn't quick to act on the old man's warning and the sight of the zombies in Kashgar for reasons that are revealed much later on.
Sabrina teleports the party from Kashgar to Bangkok to meet a tailor and then to Beijing. Its essentially a sightseeing trip for Angel. I'll clarify this in the text. 
Looking forward to what you think of the following chapters.
[u]The Dragon Sabre[u]
Part Three: Great Wall of China
The Great Wall of China Beijing, China
Tuesday 10th October - 11:17am
It was cold in Beijing. The surrounding mountains were icy and the air was thick, but the late morning sun was brilliant and bright. It shone through the cloudy sky, white as snow and penetrated the dense fog at the far distance. But the girls loved it just as it was. They were standing atop some barracks along the Great Wall of China near the city; the atmosphere was calm and tranquil as they watched other tourists climb slowly along the inner pathway of the stone walls, twenty-feet high.
Both girls were dressed similarly, but where Sabrina wore the long, luxurious, blood red Hanfu, Meriams was snow white. The hems of the fabric were black on Sabrinas and a silky white on Meriams, both emblazoned with beautiful Han Chinese textile art. The one-piece gown was flared extravagantly along the sleeves and washed out below their feet flamboyantly, tied around the waist to highlight a thin figure. The material itself, cross-layered cotton was extra thick, with a large hood to protect from the harsh weather.
The two girls had clearly been shopping earlier in the morning. The custom tailor in Bangkok was a mutant with superhuman speed and had fashionably tailored both Hanfu from fabric to perfection within half and hour, according to Meriam and Sabrinas designs.
Brina Meriam began, her mind completely at rest, stood centred over fifty feet high on the barracks sloped roof. I am so in love with this dress its unreal
The couple laughed together. This was the happiest Sabrina had ever seen Meriam. She had even been humming to some Kashgar music, of which lyrics she had no understanding of. Sabrina couldnt help but smile. You know what else is unreal Angel?
Hmm she pondered. Let me guess this dream holiday?
Nope how beautiful you look in Hanfu said Sabrina, and Meriam was in giggles. Through her olive complexion, Sabrina could tell she was blushing slightly, but surprisingly, she didnt seem embarrassed at all.
Honestly Brina, you think too highly of me Meriam replied, through smiles. You look much better in Hanfu than I do, its like you were made for it
Sabrina welcomed the compliment with a simple thanks and slowly began to spin on the upturned eaves of the barracks roof.
Oh my god, I just had a great idea said Meriam, her face lit with excitement. Were standing on the Great Wall of China what would be the craziest morning exercise?
Sabrina caught on immediately. Angel, that is so dangerous. I love it. My god, it may even be illegal, and there I am thinking you were daddys little girl
Not out here in China, Im not said Meriam, running across the roof to tag Sabrina. Youre it! she shouted, before pelting off along the great wall.
You sneaky little! Sabrina gasped, and off she went, somersaulting down onto the wall, before pushing off on a sprint. The girls jumped, tumbled, rolled and flew one behind the other, their new dresses fluttering weightlessly through the air. Sabrina disappeared from view and before Meriam could even shout cheater! she had already reappeared, running with her shoulder-to-shoulder.
Im glad youre enjoying your time here Angel. Your well-being is all that matters to me now.
I love every moment. Meriam replied. Lets keep running
They moved like Ninja, gracefully, beautifully, silently. Sprinting at over fifty miles per hour; three hundred kilometres across the Great Wall before coming to a stop, three hours later, depleted of energy and completely out of breath.
We can run the entire wall . only six thousand kilometres to go Sabrina joked, in between breaths. Meriam laughed.
Ill be fine right here Brina but youre welcome to go on Meriam replied.
Lets go get something to eat, sweetheart. Im done for.
Sounds good to me said Meriam, gasping for air. You run super fast. Like an antelope
Why thank you for noticing. You did quite well yourself, Im impressed. But speaking of antelopes, theres this restaurant downtown where we can have some for lunch, what do you think?
What? Meriam asked, horrified, but Sabrina just laughed.
Just kidding, Angel
The couples trekked through the city, all the while Sabrina contemplated telling her girlfriend about the previous night. As the old man rightly warned, the Devils of Kimone had executed yet another gruesome raid on Kashgar. Despite the eight-hour time difference, Meriam had slept peacefully through the whole ordeal. Of course, Sabrina stood watch, guarding her as she slept. However, through the opening of the old mans Yurt, Sabrina could make out the attackers. They looked different somehow. The Devils of Kimone had not been resurrected; technically, they were simply reanimated as zombies.
Sabrina, the old man were staying with, you said hes a relative of Tian Lee right? What was he saying yesterday, back on the mountains?
Err he said Tian Lee passed away recently. If I am to fix the sword, Ill have to find the magician Wu Long. He is a Tsoo sorcerer
[Blackout. to be continued]