Steelclaw

Pandora looked down at the box in her hands; hands which now trembled so badly they were barely able to perform the duty of holding the box aloft. Deep in the coffer's interior, far deeper than its outer dimensions would seem to allow, glimmered a soft spark, the final taunt in the trap her curiosity had inadvertantly sprung... buried under all the afflictions and horrors she'd unleashed upon the world... hope.

All Hope was in the box; she could find none within herself.

The box tumbled towards the floor as she brought her hands to her face to press against weeping eyes. It struck with the muted thunder of doom; flinging the spark of hope high and wide from its tumbling. The ember described a graceful arc through the air, leaving the faintest impression of a rainbow in its wake.

The landscape around the sobbing girl was ravaged, torn assunder by the passage of the horrors she'd unleashed. The only thing left standing was the broken shell of a river stone ring that had once been her family's well. The spark of hope reached the apex of its short leap and began to descend directly towards that gaping wound in the earth.

A hand reached out and caught it, halting its journey. When the hand caught the spark it was a crude mixture of talon and paw, hooked fingers built for snatching and thievery. The moment the spark touched those scaly digits they shifted and flowed into human semblance. In later years the man who now held the fate of the world would be known by other names... Crow... Loki... Steelclaw... In the box he had only been Mischief... but the spark had lent him power and vision of the myriad of possible futures for this world.

A sharp and wicked grin spread his features as he selected the chain of events that would prove to be the most... entertaining.

He brought the spark to his lips and whispered to it. It's glow had been unerringly blue but as he instructed and cajoled, it began to pulse with streaks of reds and vibrant purples. With a wide and manic smile he held his hand out over the well's maw, then turned it to allow the spark to complete its journey.

He lifted Pandora to her feet from where her misery had left her collapsed.

"Now, now, my dear..." he crooned, collecting one crystaline tear from her cheek with the knuckle of one finger. "No need to cry. Soon enough there will be heroes who will rise to fight the enemies of man you've unleashed today. Come with me and we shall watch together. I shall give you eternal life; you shall be my constant companion and we shall watch this child... this juggernaut of destiny... we have created together."

He was gentle as he helped her along the path towards the future. He knew he was likely damning her to an eternity of madness. But he hated attending the theater by himself.

But an entire world of people where EVERYONE had the potential to be a god... well... that would prove to be a show worth watching.

Well... since I started it...

94) New Animatronic in the Hall of Heroes at Paragon Disney...

95) Bury him in a Nemesis Plot.... cemetary type that is...

96) Finally unmask him! To reveal another mask.... after a whole slew of Kakashi-esque jokes...

97) Prop him back towards the audience for the first annual "Completion of Statesman's Helmet" contest winner display...

98) Stand In for Keanu Reeve in all his upcoming movies... (no one noticed)

99) Body + Electric Catapult + Remote Control = Distraction Temp Power for final confrontation with Darrin Wade...

100) Cape to serve as new flag atop City Hall... still on Statesman... don't ask me how he's "mounted" to the pole...

101) Nothing... basically replicating how "useful" he was during life...

It's not too soon is it?

When I was younger I used to read these "humor" books called "101 Uses for a Dead Cat"... Now, admitedly those were illustrated... but I think we can manage...

Don't stop until we reach 101.... I'll start us out...

1) Propping open that door that always swings shut at Freedom Phalanx Headquarters.

2) Once rigormortis sets him use him as a buffet table... his half-helmet can hold the dip!

3) Prop him in the corner of the Phalanx Headquarters men's room... use cape to wipe hands after washing.

4) Sit him on park bench... take a drink every time someone asks him for an autograph.

5) Rent him out to various Necromancy Masterminds.

6) Have him play Jacob Marley in the annual Phalanx production of "A Christmas Carol"...

7) Have him play Yorick in the Phalanx production of "Hamlet"...

8) Cameo appearance in the upcoming Samuraiko/Steelclaw production of "City of Oz"... as the Wicked Witch of the East...

9) Underarm deoderant test dummy.

10) Best.... Halloween.... Decoration.... EVER!

11) Lay him on his back... use star on chest as "pitch til you win" carnival game...

12) Organ donor for Superman.

13) Seated on Back Alley Brawler's knee to display BAB's here-to-for unknown talent for ventriloquism...

14) Donated to the Vahzilok just to see what they come up with...

15) Starring in a Samuraiko remake of "Week-End at Bernie's"...

16) Hang from long wire beneath blimp in Atlas Park... see if Ms. Liberty falls for it...

17) "Is It Tougher Than Statesman?" game/reality show where body is loaded into a cannon and shot at various things...

18) Face down in Positron's office and used as a file holder... .... ..... sorry.

19) Featured on "The Ultimate Meat Tenderizer: Kitchen Wonder" informercials.

20) Thrown into the stasis field in Pocket D when DJ Zero needs a bathroom break.

... or maybe not.

These may or may not be the ACTUAL way the Who Will Die? story arc will end... but they ARE some of the ways it WOULD end if I were the one writing it...

You may begin reading as soon as the uncontrollable shivers at the very thought of it pass...

* Darrin Wade uses the Obelisk to siphon YOUR powers away! However, since this turns you into a civillian... and since civillians are the most indestructible and powerful beings in the game... you trounce him easily.

* The Obelisk backfires and instead of siphoning powers it spreads its stored powers across the entire planet. The only powers it had in it at the time were those of Sister Psyche... so every person on the planet is now able to read the thoughts of every other person... twenty years of intense fighting later the last two people on the planet kill each other over the "honest" opinion of how one of their rear ends looked in their new pants.

* Darrin Wade sees the flaw in his plans when he is attacked by an army consisting of nothing but Natural and Technology heroes... since they don't HAVE powers to steal... just lots of training and gadgets.

* You wake up to discover it was all just a dream... unfortunately so were the 174 Hero/Villain Merits you earned on all your characters farming the SSA...

* Blue Steel frowns slightly in disapproval... Darrin Wade gives him all his powers immediately and apologizes.

* Praetorian Wade shows and steals Primal Wade's powers... Dimension 124's Wade steals Praetorian's powers... Hyperion Prime Wade steals them from 124... etc... etc... until no one is entirely sure WHO has which powers and they all die from old age trying to track down which one of them should be ruling the world..

* Darrin Wade is about to kill Positron with a single blow when a small child walks from the horrified crowd... in his arms is an adorable puppy... the child walks fearlessly up to Wade and holds out the puppy which stares up at the villain with huge, irresistably adorable eyes... Wade lets go of Positron and... with trembling hands... takes the puppy... then cuddles it against his face as it begins to lick him... having a sudden and incredible change of heart.... unfortunately it's too late as it is discovered that he also inherited Statesman's most secret and horrible weakness... his intolerance of puppy saliva being roughly x100 Superman's to kryptonite... and his face melts off...

* Manticore... having gone completely insane after being forced to kill his wife... shoots Wade during the transfer of Psyche's obelisk-stored powers into Darrin... the transfer goes awry and suddenly Manticore is able to absorb and keep ANY power from ANY hero or villain... he rushes immediately to Atlas Park but despite his repeated efforts... can't absorb Atlas's powers from a mere statue of him and is STILL short..

* Wade completes his deal with the dwellers of the Shadow Shard and they invade Earth... suddenly every where you look there are Rularuu... everyone gets very upset about it for about a week... then... being apathetic Americans... we get used to it and go back to complaining about the economy...

ScoutStarHolder: Alright boys, I'd like you to all welcome our newest scout... Billy42339

ScoutForBlood: Hey Billy!

DownNScout: S'up Bill...

ScoutOfTheBorder: Hola

UMakMeWannaScout: Noob

Billy42339: Hey everyone...

ScoutStarHolder: Billy's family has just moved here from Pittsburgh. So we need to help him get used being a Hero Scout.

Billy42339: Well, I was a Boy Scout back in Pittsburgh... this isn't that different is it?

UMakMeWannaScout: Uber Noob

ScoutStarHolder: Well, I don't know anything about Boy Scouts... but here in Hero Scouts we have one concern and one concern only...

ScoutForBlood: BADGES!!1!11

ScoutOfTheBorder: Batches? We don' need no steenking batches...

DownNScout: Speak for yourself...

Billy42339: Oh yeah! Badges are cool... I had loads of 'em back in Boy Scouts...

ScoutStarHolder: Fantastic! Here's your first one... You have hereby earned the Knowledgeable Badge!

Billy42339: Err... huh? How did I get that? I mean... I didn't do anything to earn it... did I?

UMakMeWannaScout: Trifecta-Noob

ScoutStarHolder: You're here aren't you? Anyway... enough dilly-dallying.. let's go to City Hall so you can earn your Patriot badge!

Billy42339: Oh! Okay! I had my Citizenship Badge back in Boy Scouts... I had to take a test about the history of the nation... oh ... and do some volunteer work at a local hospital... I got this aced!

ScoutStarHolder: Sounds... er... interesting... now Billy, go stand at the base of that statue right there.

Billy42339: Oh! Is he a famous hero? Should I read the plaque? Will there be a test on what it sa...?

ScoutStarHolder: Congratulations! You just earned your Patriot Badge!

Billy42339: Who the what now?!

DownNScout: Count yourself lucky... MY first Exploration Badge was Top Dog... I still have the bruises...

ScoutStarHolder: Now, now... don't brag about badges Billy doesn't have yet...

DownNScout: Bragging? My parents are still considering suing.

ScoutStarHolder: We'll get that one for you too, Billy... as soon as I find a rental agency who'll foot me a catapult without all those pesky questions...

ScoutForBlood: I still say you should have gone for the Freedom badge on the way down.

Billy42339: Wait... catapult? Top Dog? What kind of badges are these?

UMakMeWannaScout: You are a square in all three dimensions...

Billy42339: What?

UMakMeWannaScout: Noob.... Cubed...

ScoutStarHolder: Okay boys... Now that we've got Billy two of the easier badges... it's time for all of us to work on our Team Defeat project of the month... the Regenerator Badge!

ScoutForBlood: YES!

ScoutOfTheBorder: You worry me Blood... jus' a leetle beet...

DownNScout: Great... more bruises...

Billy42339: Regenerator Badge? Team Defeat project? What... what are you talking about?

UMakMeWannaScout: You are an Egyptian god... Ah-Noob-Us...

ScoutStarHolder: The Regenerator Badge... There is a street gang around here called the Trolls... you get the Regenerator Badge when you kill 100 of their toughest members!

Billy42339: KILL?!?

ScoutStarHolder: Oh for the love of... FINE! If you're one of those pinko liberal types... when you "arrest" 100 of their toughest members...

Billy42339: But... I can't kill... heck I can't even arrest anyone... much less a gang member!

UMakMeWannaScout: Your own reality show... Boob-Tube Noob

DownNScout: You don't have to kill 'em all by yourself... it's the team total that counts...

ScoutForBlood: Just sit back and relax... I'll kill all one hundred before you guys even kill one...

Billy42339: I'm not killing ANY! What kind of sick scout troop is this?! This is nothing like Boy Scouts!

ScoutStarHolder: Well, Billy... what kind of things did you used to do in Boy Scouts?

Billy42339: We used to do stuff like camping.... learn knots and rope craft... stuff like that...

ScoutStarHolder: Knots and rope craft? Heck... we have a badge having to do with that kind of thing.. but I usually save it for rainy days when we can't go outside...

Billy42339: I want to earn THAT badge then!

ScoutStarHolder: You sure? It's a heckuva lot more boring than killing Trolls...

Billy42339: I LIKE boring! I EXCELL at boring!

ScoutStarHolder: Well... okay... if you insist...

(Ten minutes later... Billy is now firmly tied with yards of ropes and knots to the statue above the Patriot badge)

Billy42339: Hey! What are you doing?! I can't even move my fingers...

ScoutStarHolder: That's the point! Now, some Scout Masters like to ease their troops into things but not me! I'll be back in twelve hours...

Billy42339: TWELVE HOURS?!

ScoutStarHolder: Sure... by then you'll have earned the Restrained, Entangled, Imprisoned, Confined, Caged AND Jailed badges! Not bad for your first day...

Billy42339: No! Wait! Don't go!

ScoutStarHolder: And you might want to ask your parents for a Re-Name Token for your birthday... Billy... what kind of name is THAT? Okay Scouts... let's go kill some trolls!

(Everyone leaves Billy there except for UMakMeWannaScout who remains behind)

Billy42339: C'mon man... untie me... help me out...

UMakMeWannaScout: Butter

Billy42339: Butter?

UMakMeWannaScout: Make you slick... make you slide right outta those ropes...

Billy42339: Do you have any with you?

UMakMeWannaScout: Nope. But that's what you need...

(He leaves as well and Billy struggles for fifteen minutes before he gives up... five minutes later he lets out a strangled groan)

Billy42339: Of course... I need Noob Lube... I hate that kid...

* you lose all your geek cred when you accidently refer to that pair of droids from Star Wars as "Nightstar and Siege"... then get back twice as much as before when you explain why...

* you stand outside your daughter's highschool screaming "Fusionette!" when she's late to the pick up spot...

* you figure you've made at least 400 entries on at least 36 "You know you've been playing CoX for too long when..." lists...

* you say cut scene dialog aloud the way some people do while watching "Rocky Horror Picture Show"...

* you refer to your purchase of a halloween costume as "making an alt"...

* you finish your work out on the Planet Fitness treadmill and start screaming "can someone give me a blue?!"

* you refer to your in-laws as "Malta Sappers"...

* you try to start legistlation in your town for the beat cops to carry assault rifles, grenade launchers and flame throwers to help "arrest" criminals...

* you attend a training class/seminar at work thinking you'll come out with new powers or at least an extra slot or three..

* on Veterans Day you proudly wear two buttons; one stating how many years you've played and one with "F2P" in a red circle with a line through it...

* to get out of taking it to the shop you tell your wife that your lurching, stalling vehicle is "working as intended"...

* ...but every time HER stuff acts up you suggest she fills out a bug report...

Headlines from the Tabloid Press about Paragon's most beloved super group... Note that some of them are older headlines that might not reflect current SSA events...

* Danny Devito's Pain: Manticore you heartless fiend... you stole her from me!

* The Pictures Don't Lie!: Photos of speedo-wearing Synapse at beach reveal the tattoo he never talks about... "Another fine Crey Product!"...

* Of Crime and Passion!: Positron's I-Pod is missing and Citadel is nowhere to be found! "I was there... she was there... and she was playing our song..."

* Rumors of Statesman's Death Exagerated!: Not 3 days after Statesman's alleged "death" eye witnesses place him having dinner at a Denny's restaurant with Elvis and Jim Morrison... we have photos!

* Positron's Lost Years... The REAL Story: read how Positron was never tragically stuck in his armor... discover how a robot stood in his stead during countless battles while he was sunning himself on a beach in Miami!

* Synapse and Mynx on the Outs!: Apparently the little kitten was purring from another man's ear-scratchings because rumor has it Synapse came down with a nasty case of 2nd hand cat-scratch-fever!

* Sexual Psychic Overload!: The bedroom antics of the most powerful psychic in Paragon and her husband got a little out of hand yesterday as Psyche's apparent enjoyment of the procedings affected everyone in the city! "I don't know what happened... all of a sudden I was on my knees... felt Sister Psyche's presence in my mind... then I'm screaming 'do it Justin! do it now!' over and over again... .... lucky girl..."

* Was It Murder... Or Did Statesman's Broken Heart Kill Him?: Noted and Respected Psychologist Dr. Aaron Nelligan has long stood by his assertion that the on-going battle and apparent hatred between Statesman and the nefarious Lord Recluse was actually their complete rejection of their mutual love and attraction... "We see this sort of thing all the time... they are so terrified of how the other might react or how the public would view their illicit romance that they reject not only the feelings... but each other entirely... it is no coincidence that Statesman's death occurred soon after Lord Recluse publically announced his involvement with his so-called 'lover' Red Widow..."

* Forbidden Romance!: Rumor has it that the two Freedom Phalanx members Positron and Numina are romantically entangled! Will Positron's science be able to break the barrier between life and death? What gifts does one give to woo the Im-Material Girl? Can she penetrate his Armor to be come the Ghost in the Shell? Or will he develop technology to "get into the spirit of things"? Time will tell... and so will we!

Ahem...

* Christopher Reeve... which is also cool because it introduces the new wheelchair travel emote... ... ... sorry... is it still too soon?

* Christopher Walken... the only contact in the game that gives ALL his missions in voice-over format... takes 45 minutes to get your mission but entertaining as all heck to listen to...

* Keifer Sutherland... not bad but EVERY mission has a time limit...

* J.J. Abrams... oh please... pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...

* George W Bush... every mission is a search for WMDs... and none has a single glowie in it...

(and... to be politically fair if not politically correct...)

* Bill Clinton... always gives the same "find the cigar" mission again and again... the second you accept the mission the glowie-sound can be heard... coming from his pants...

* Robin Williams... while on the mission map as your ally will not really help out but WILL change outfits and characters at least 500 times... has the attention span of a spastic squirrel... makes Fusionette look steady and well-adjusted...

* William Shatner... like Walken has all his contact info in the form of actual voice-overs... unlike Walken has a fast forward button... not that it helps much...

* The Cast of Twilight... sorry... they're not targetable...

* Justin Bieber... or Cousin It of the Addams family... we're actually not entirely sure which...

* The Bachelor/Bachelorette... Takes a league of at least 16 members to even speak to them in the first place... they will consider and start eliminating members of the league one at a time until there is only one left... the elimination process being done via kissing and other such mischief... unfortunately they will have to visit the hospital before actually giving a mission due to the need for a little shot of penicillin...

* Beastyle's Hair.... talk about your resurrections...

So, I was thinking about the Who Will Die? story arc and, more specifically, the way part six ended.

If I were the one writing it, I think I would have had Sister Psyche end up mind-riding with someone at the end. Specifically, Penelope Yin. Think about it, why else have Penelope helping you out EVERY single mission of the arc? You get so used to having her around you sort of forget about her by the end of that third mission. Also, if anyone would have the power to "snatch" Psyche's... er... pysche... out of the ether as it sped towards the obelisk, it would be the most powerful psychic in the world.

Also, we have Darrin Wade with Statesman's powers AND magic skills to boot, what titan would be better able to face him and help trounce him than Psy-Yin? And leave him sighin' over Psy-Yin...

...sorry... couldn't resist...

Then I realized my train of thought had been entirely too serious for too long... and I began thinking about how THAT mental-hitch-hiking relationship might go...

* Sister Psyche: "No please... I DON'T want to read another slash fic... I don't have those kinds of teen-age fantasies any more... I've out grown them... wait... what's that one? Justin and Malaise...? ... ...... okay... one more.."

* Penelope Yin: "I know it's totally grody, right? I mean... like I would ever even THINK of dating Clockwork King... and why do you keep thinking the word 'attachments' over and over again? ... .... EEEWWWW!! Brain bleach! I need BRAIN BLEACH!"

* Sister Psyche: "It's an interesting idea but I would never wish any harm to Aurora or Swan... Besides, neither of them HAVE the mind-riding ability... <sighs> yes... I suppose it WOULD be the 'most awesome brain slumber party ever'..."

* Penelope Yin: "No, really... I asked Temblor out once... nah, he turned me down... said I was too self-sufficient... said he needed to feel needed..."

* Sister Psyche: "No.... I don't think we should tell Justin just yet... well... for one thing he might insist on dancing with us... he's always wanted to try it without the platform shoes..."

* Penelope Yin: "We are family.... oh oh oh oh yeah... I got all my Sister and me!"

* Sister Psyche: "Okay, Penelope... this is getting kind of creepy... we've been sitting here while you stare at Lusca for hours now... ... no, I don't think you could take her on all by yourself... hentai? why do you ask?"

* Penelope Yin: "Yes, I know I shouldn't use our combined powers carelessly... Yes... I KNOW I shouldn't have tampered with Synapse's mind against his will... I get it... but seriously... have you EVER had pizza delivered this fresh and hot before?"

* Sister Psyche: "Don't you DARE search through my private memories again without permission! We were just spicing up things a bit! Just because I dressed up as Dorothy Gale doesn't make me twisted... and you will never tell anyone Justin danced naked singing 'the lolipop guild' song... .... STOP LAUGHING!"

Exemplary. Awesome. Radical. Stirring. Incredible. Amazing. Spectacular. Wonderful. Inspiring...

But enough about me..

I kid, I kid.

Great job, D_R... I have to admit to being surprised to actually see City Of Oz on your planning list... I thought that was just an inside joke between you and I... oh... and a quick question about your planning list (since I have this little list-obsession-thing)... The PUG video... is that one based off that PUG play I wrote a while back? Or is it a script from a different source?

Once again, fantastic job!

So I've been playing around with the Archetype Origin Enhancements lately and I think they're a solid innovation to the game. Still, it got me thinking... as such things so often do... about where we could go next...

I introduce to you Player Origin Enhancements. These enhancements are mostly Procs that don't cater to the characters but instead to the playing style of the poor saps at the keyboards.

Here are a few that came to mind:

* Appeal of the Innocent: Also known as Complaint of the Whiner, this proc will record the last 30 seconds of game time, constantly deleting any thing older than that so as to save memory space. When the player presses the key bind associated to the power it LOCKS the last 30 seconds of demorecord. It will also lock in the event of any interuption of server communication, such as Map Serve, power outage, etc. This will provide the player with either A) evidence to show the GM when he shows up to see what the problem is or (B) something to post to YouTube when they rage quit.

* Kinetic Recharge: Powers get a temporary recharge bonus or "surge" the more rapidly the player hits its activation key. Players with some some sort of microphone can get a further bonus from screaming "come on.. come on.. comeoncomeoncomeonCOMEON!" repeatedly.

* Tagged and Bagged: This power can target other players even in non-pvp zones. However, it will only activate if the target is 1) on the player's team/League and 2) has their countdown timer running prior to logging out. This is just a friendly way of "thanking" team members who join your team/task force/trial and quit without even bothering to say goodbye first. When that individual signs back on they will immediately go into the self-destruct temp power. When they click the Hospital button they will get a message stating that their health insurance card has declined.

* Slalom Master: For the motion-susceptible among us. Whenever you lean in your chair or hop in place in an effort to get your character to make that turn just a WEEEE bit tighter... viola! He will!

* Rage Lunge: For those of us who are jumping along the landscape and get the character stuck under a ledge and... rather than back out carefully and try the jump again or just go around... continue to jump again and again putting the character at risk of permanent brain damage... The Rage Lunge will activate on the third such jump... breaking through the obstacle in a satisfying burst of debris.

* I Meant to do That: Super Speeders and Fliers who constantly run into objects due to a lack of reaction time on the part of their players will STILL run into those objects. Now, however, the Proc will have them stumble, tumble then right themselves, look around quickly to see if anyone noticed them move on whistling as though nothing ever happened.

* Increased Perception: The camera will now move just a little bit faster whenever the player tilts or turns their own head trying to see what their character is turning towards before it even appears on the screen.

* No, No... Totally My Fault: Although they'll still die, the character will now apologize to the player for not realizing the player might have PRESSED the Eviscerate key but really MEANT Reconstruction.

* Mulligan: If, in a state of near panic, you press the F1(etc) key rapidly to get that Green to save your life and end up eating the whole stack (including the Large you'd been saving for that Elite Boss fight at mission end), the Proc will activate and ONLY use enough to save your life despite your desperate jabbing.

* Rage Snit: While on a team, if the entire team wipes three times or more in a ten minute time period, you will not gain any special powers, no Vengeance Buff, it will not allow you to change the mission to PvP... but it WILL now allow you to type in Team chat in 30 pt font size.

Gotta go with Doc Delilah as my number one pic... she's sexy but still very down to earth...

....


......

...pun not intended.

* Atlas Statue stands up... throws the globe through a nearby war-wall which shatters... says "screw this" and stomps off...

* Pocket D suddenly filled with enemies of spongey, fluffy grayish matter who just sort of drift aimlessly from corner to corner... Info on them says they are "Pocket Lint"..

* The two Hydra globs at the end of the Death from Below trial hold a conversation while you're fighting them... "We used to be famous, you know..." "Well, WE weren't famous... but we were attached to famous people..." "Then he had to go and splash in a foreign pond, don't you know..." "The pond had some sort o' virulent pond scum on it, so sad the story..." "We were lookin' like this by the time the Pig found out..." "Oooh... she had a right temper... ripped off the offending bits and flushed 'em down the toilet she did..." "Poor bloke was never the same... 'eard he needs someone else's hands to do 'is movin' around for him these days..."

* Turndown girl finally says "yes" to Desperate Guy... Anyone going to Pocket D will see him being worked on by a paramedic crew who are desperately trying to get his heart started again... by the time he recovers on April 2nd, she's changed her mind.

* In the BAF cutscene the areas between Siege and Nightstar's legs will be video distorted.

* The Anti-Matter soliloquy in the Keyes cutscene will begin a little differently... "You know... I didn't want to be a scientist... I wanted to be a fireman... but Noooooo... Mom wanted a DOCTOR in the family... and don't even get me STARTED on my Daddy issues..."

* "Who Will Die?" SSA changed for one day into a Survivor-Vote-Off-The-Island-Style elimination reality show... the player and the Freedom Phalanx being the ones on the island...

* Every time someone gets a Computer Virus as a salvage drop their computer screen will flicker alarmingly.

* Anyone who attempts to make inventions will be taken through a series of branching question/answer screens such as "You have the boresight and the luck charm... do you A) Cook them at 350 degrees, B) touch them together while mumbling "abra-cadokie" under your breath or C) run to the next room and ask the Professor"...

* When talking to Statesman in Independence Port the first thing he will say is "Apparently... I was only MOSTLY dead..."

* City Hall dome is removed and laying off to one side... Atlas globe is likewise on the ground... Atlas sitting on top of City Hall buttocks strategically located over hole left by dome removal... very loud... very graphic and gross sounds eminating into general area along with Atlas's groans and pleas for mercy... Entrance to the Hall is blocked off by police line tape and people wearing full Hazmat suits...

Hmmm... new guy... well... might as well give 'im the Steelclaw treatment... but what kind of list would do for someone named "Hit Streak"...?

Heh...

We shall now find out what our new Assistant Community Manager is made of by determining what his screen name is made of...

* Steak (mmm.... beefy!)

* Tears (aww... a mysterious man with a cursed past?)

* Star (his coming was foretold... by big balls of gas that glowed a few billion years ago)

* Rats (we'll assume the Chinese Zodiac reference rather than the disease carrying vermin one)

* Heart (bold courage and enduring sympathy... or the wimpy useless kid who helped create Captain Planet...? Time will tell!)

* Heat (oh lord... all the CoH fan-girl hearts are gonna go all pitty-pat again... machismo to help them get over Beastyle)

* Treat (well... I guess it's better than the "trick" option...)

* Hate (FINALLY! someone on the team who isn't completely blue-side!)

* Hatter (as in "mad as a...."?)

* S**t (really? are we SURE he's not a developer?)

Welcome to the Madness... now with 20% more Lunacy per serving... Nude Hamidon Wrestling every Thursday night... and please... feel free to enjoy the new Flaming Puppy Shuffleboard court out on the Lido Deck!

Reasons I shall miss Beastyle...

* No go-to-guy when I am posed with the "Who's that pokemon?" question.

* No one left to get my Phineas and Ferb jokes.

* My "doin' it beast-style" comments will likely now violate the teen rating.

* The hair.

* That photo-shopped picture of him in a Sailor Moon cos-play costume is now useless for blackmailing an additional 100 paragon points each month.

* TheNet will now have to find yet another replacement "faithful ward"...

* Paragon Studios... You have lost salvage item: THE BEASTYLE... Charisma Modified -10... Style Modified -12... Collective Anime Addiction Cured!

* While he DID leave me all his stuff... what am I going to do with a 10 year supply of hair gel?

But more seriously...

You were here... And you started to chuckle... We started to smile... You started to laugh... We joined in... We thank you for the gift that is you... And for sharing it with us for even a short time...

* Her robots are anatomically correct.

* Her constant insistance that I call her "mommy"...

* Getting "The Silent Treatment" means she turns off your brain's ability to process sound.

* Some people have skeletons in their closet... others have cemetaries.

* "Seers" is just another word for "Snitchers"...

* Pelvic perforations from tight hugs and that lethal belt buckle of hers.

* When it comes to adoption she makes Angelina Jolie look like a child hater.

* There is NO correct answer to "Who's been a bad boy?"

* When you disagree, "Maybe I'll change my mind" is a useless argument... she's already changed it for you.

* She makes Joker look well-adjusted.

* When dating a psychotic psychic the term "getting h**d" can take on sinister meaning.

* (blank expression... monotone voice) There is nothing wrong with dating Mother Mayhem... I love Mother Mayhem... I love her more than my next breath...

* They're all female.... They're all psychics.... You don't think their cycles are all going to synch up at the same time?

* She's like Fatal Attraction... and you're the rabbit.

* She said "No"...



Edit: As an aside... I dare... I DARE... the Devs to change the cut scene to BAF for April Fool's Day... When she sort of crunches in on herself during her monologue I want that spiked belt buckle of hers to perforate one of her implants... I want that sucker to pop out and fly around the room like a punctured balloon... complete with sound effects and Nightstar/Siege watching it whiz around with their heads turning in perfect unison.

Ladies and Gentlemen, villains have secret identities too. Your average Hellion or Malta on the street does not dress like that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The civillian you have just passed may look normal, may even be waving their hands in the air and screamin' like they just don't care as they flee from a purse snatcher... but that civillian may just be a 5th Column soldier on leave.

The Paragon Police Department has issued the following Public Service Announcement in the hopes of helping you identify known gang or paramilitary members when they are "out of uniform."

Hellions:
* Feel comfortable listening to music and dancing... even when their boss is standing a few feet away.
* A bit too eager to hold their girlfriend's purse for them when out shopping.
* Has a tendency to giggle uncontrollably while reading the "in case of fire" notices in public places.

Skulls:
* Pasty white forehead... deeply tanned jawline.
* Tend to wear clothing with their names on them so their girlfriends can tell which one is hers.
* Despite being very pro-gun; react rather negatively to any form of "hunting"...

Vahzilok:
* Refers to clothing frequently as "candy wrappers"...
* Flinch badly every time anyone around them squats to pick something up from the floor.
* Dogs will approach them, sniff interestedly, then try to roll on them.

Council:
* Punches out any bartender or friend who asks them if they want a 5th... of anything.
* Can't look at any book, product or reference to Twilight without extreme bitterness.
* Belts out "Sir, yes Sir!" when you ask them if they know the time.

5th Column:
* Laugh at innapropriate times during World War II documentaries.
* Get expressions of lethal anticipation when phrases such as "council meeting" or "running for council" are used around them.
* May disappear for long stretches of time then come back suddenly with no real explanation for the departure or return.

Tsoo:
* Words never quite seem to synch up with the actual movement of their lips.
* Despite their obvious derision of people who are not physically fit, they will NEVER describe them using the word "tubby"...
* Seem unaware of the colors orange or purple.

Outcasts:
* When you talk to them about promotions or moving up the "corporate ladder" they start talking about the best foundation make ups available.
* Frequently use the completely wrong adverb to describe things; like using Sparky to describe ice or Stony to explain fire.
* Seem completely comfortable with the idea that one member of a given organization should completely justify the existence of the organization as a whole.

Family:
* Wear suits everywhere... we mean everywhere... even the beach... even to swim.
* Talk like Joe Pesci on a three day bender.
* Tend to assign nicknames to everyone they know, even casually. After a while they tend to run out of good ones, so new acquaintances may end up as Jimmy "the three-toed tree sloth with mild psoriasis and intestinal parasites" Calzone.

Nemesis:
* Have their days off planned... down to the minute... four years in advance.
* Only THINK they're currently off the clock.
* Hate college football but obsessively watch the marching bands during the half-time shows.

Carnival of Shadows:
* The men will constantly twitch and jerk at anything that enters their peripheral vision as though not used to having it.
* The women obsessively wear nothing but Relaxed Fit jeans and sweat pants, walk like they've been in the saddle too long and have constant expressions of relief.
* When confronted about their constant subservience to the females around them, the men will giggle uncontrollably when told they are "whipped."

Crey:
* Obsessively clean themselves so as not to leave stray DNA laying about; constantly checking their skin for mysterious cuts or "needle spots"...
* Think "I don't know... I just work here..." is a hilarious response to any question.
* Break out into automatic flash mob dancing when they hear "She Blinded Me With Science" on store loudspeakers.

Malta:
* Can drain the energy and fun out of any party just by telling his vacation stories.
* Thinks navy blue is a camoflage color.
* Clothing seems to be made up mostly of pockets.

Knives of Artemis:
* If you attempt to walk anywhere with them they immediately slow to half their normal pace.
* While they only remember their boyfriend's name about 3 times in 4, they will lovingly describe in horrifying detail what they would do to ol' whats-his-name should he ever cheat on them.
* In public places have been known to start singing favorite country song lyrics like "..I'll show him what little girls are made of... gunpowder and lead..." or those from "Earl Had to Die" or "The Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia"...

Arachnos:
* Mu tend to gesture wildly with their arms as though incapable of talking with just their voices... also seem to suffer from severe restless leg syndrome.
* Most females will stand in rapt distraction with dreamy expressions when sunlight or cool breezes touch their faces.
* Crabs may stare in consternation at an object on a high shelf for several moments before smacking themselves on the forehead then reaching for it with their hand.

... batteries not included.

So, I've FINALLY spent some time with the incarnate content. In fact, since last I posted here in the forums (and I bet most of you didn't even realize I was gone) I've even managed to get a 2nd character to 50.

Here are a few thoughts that have flitted through my head while tier-ing up my characters.

* I earn Physical XP by fighting... working my muscles... beating up bad guys... makes sense... I earn PSYCHIC XP by... wait... fighting, working out and beating up bad guys... hold on... am I having hallucinations again?

* "Hey Nightstar... that's a nasty dent you have there... howzabout I bang that out for ya?"

* On TPN Daily News: "Today in sports the Praetorian Professional Tennis Tournament was underway when suddenly super beings and a horde of killer robots decided to have their battle right at center court. Undeterred, last year's champion Kyle Breckinridge gamely held his position on the court but lost against the mayhem 60-luv."

* "I'm on the ground again? Man, this is some killer s**t..."

* A friend of mine said he found the unedited raw footage of Anti-Matter's pre-Keyes speech. We formed a team and he hacked the system so we got the original, un-cut cutscene. Two hours later, during which he threatened to hold his breath until he got he wanted not once, not twice, but three separate times, Anti-Matter won the battle. Not because of any power on his part, but because all but two members of the League had quit... and one of the two had actually fallen asleep at their keyboard.

* To the tune of White Rabbit: One pod lends it healing... and one pod heal debuffs... and the one the Dev's were smoking... helped them think up this stuff...

* Avoid the green! Get out of the green! If you're fighting Anti-Matter jump out of the green zone! If you're running a MoM stay away from the GREEN!! No wonder some people take so long to work up the courage to click the green button to start the mission in the first place...

* After running TPN I really think the Praetorian Civillians have let their whole invulnerability thing go to their heads.

* "But... I can't build my next tier power... it... it requires Biomorphic Goo and well... he's too cute! I can't bring myself to use him in a recipe... I've named him Squishy..."

* DJ Zero: "And I thought the ROLEPLAYERS were annoying..."

* "Whatcha reading there? Forbidden Technique? Lemme see... whoa... I can see why they left THESE pages out of the Kama Sutra..."

* Siege: "Aw come on! (pant) Why do we have to... (gasp) fight all the way... (wheeze) over here?! Can't you (cough) ACU's slow the heck down so you don't make me... (gasp) look so bad?!"

* Okay, see... Mayhem or not... MY Mother doesn't dress that way.

* "Roger... I'm worried about our son... last night I walked by his room and he kept muttering 'looking for BAF... anyone starting a BAF' over and over again.." "Well dear, I haven't wanted to mention this... but... he DOES need to work on his hygiene after all..."

* I want to start a petition for the Devs to add something to Ouroboros. Directly between the Empyrean and Astral vendors I want an opening in the fence and beyond it a suspended path that loops around and about before coming back to another opening directly beside the first. Nothing special about it, just a small winding walking path. Directly next to the opening I want a small sign with an arrow pointing that reads: "This way to Incarnate Trail."

Tourist Wife: Oh, my goodness! Arnold... while we're here we simply HAVE to stop by the Paragon parks... from everything I've heard the hiking here is spectacular!

Tourist Husband: Really? The brochures all said we were better off avoiding the parks because of roving gangs and serious environmental hazards.

Tourist Wife: That doesn't sound right at all... I just heard a hero talking about how much he really wants to go explore some trails... he was talking about the BAF trail and the LAM trail... why.. he even mentioned there's an Underground trail! He sounded very enthusiastic about it all...

Tourist Husband: Huh... which hero was talking about all that?

Tourist Wife: That one... the nice gentleman by the name of Rouge Angle...

Despite counselling, shock therapy and a guy named Moose standing behind me with a rancid-cottage-cheese-filled whiffle bat I STILL inspiration horde.

"Yeah.. I can win this battle... I don't need to use those large purples, yellows and reds... heck it's ONLY a boss... ... ... crud... well... at least I have three to combine into a wakie..."

The other SINspiration I commit on a regular basis is the old "Break free inspirations are a waste of a slot in my inventory" prejudice. This is probably because I run mostly melee types who have a toggle to protect against mezz. Unfortunately for my blasters, etc. my dislike of keeping that inspiration carries over.

Since they will be rotating in new Tier 9 powers now and then, I was thinking of a power similar to the /Auctionhouse command that would grant access to the stores.

/magicstore
/sciencestore
/mutantstore
/technologystore
/naturalstore

Once you purchase the vet power these commands would grant you access to the level-appropriate store of the applicable origin type. The interface would be just like you had gone to the store itself, allowing you to buy or sell enhancements, etc as usual.

I absolutely adore my /auctionhouse command which frees up considerable travel time to clear my inventory or when I'm building enhancements at the invention table. I think a /store command would be equally helpful without being game-breaking.

Let's see... I have as much interest in Twilight as I do in signing up for that "Discount Lobotomies! If you're not satisfied you get your money back!" offer my family keeps trying to push on me.

The new Batman movie I'm only iffy about... I like the last movies and the direction they're going in with Bats, but they are waiting too long between movies to keep up my interest inertia.

Avengers looks awesome and I am definitely looking forward to it. My only real concern is that Robert Downey Jr. is going to completely out-act and over-shadow the rest of the cast. I desperately hope it's not going to be "Iron Man and Friends"

I loved the Lord of the Rings movies, they were and still are my favorite trilogy EVAH. Learning that not only were they making The Hobbit but the same director was doing it gave me a permanent sugar buzz... Actually seeing the movie will likely put me in a state resembling a diabetic coma.

I am looking forward to Brave.. which isn't a surprise considering I look forward to every Disney, Pixar and Dreamworks Animation movie that comes out. It doesn't hurt that I find the art-style intriguing, the heroine engaging and the humor ribald enough to suit me as well. Also, I am HUGELY in favor of more and more and more positive female role models out there. And... no offense Disney... but a Princess who has to let her Prince Charming (Eric, Aladdin, Beast, et al) do their fighting FOR them just doesn't cut it.

I had never heard of Hunger Games before reading the article and watching the preview. It's just different enough to be worth a watch via On Demand or perhaps through NetFlix. If nothing else it might give me some interesting ideas for Summer Programs to get my kids when school lets out.