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Ladies and Gentlemen, villains have secret identities too. Your average Hellion or Malta on the street does not dress like that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The civillian you have just passed may look normal, may even be waving their hands in the air and screamin' like they just don't care as they flee from a purse snatcher... but that civillian may just be a 5th Column soldier on leave.

The Paragon Police Department has issued the following Public Service Announcement in the hopes of helping you identify known gang or paramilitary members when they are "out of uniform."

Hellions:
* Feel comfortable listening to music and dancing... even when their boss is standing a few feet away.
* A bit too eager to hold their girlfriend's purse for them when out shopping.
* Has a tendency to giggle uncontrollably while reading the "in case of fire" notices in public places.

Skulls:
* Pasty white forehead... deeply tanned jawline.
* Tend to wear clothing with their names on them so their girlfriends can tell which one is hers.
* Despite being very pro-gun; react rather negatively to any form of "hunting"...

Vahzilok:
* Refers to clothing frequently as "candy wrappers"...
* Flinch badly every time anyone around them squats to pick something up from the floor.
* Dogs will approach them, sniff interestedly, then try to roll on them.

Council:
* Punches out any bartender or friend who asks them if they want a 5th... of anything.
* Can't look at any book, product or reference to Twilight without extreme bitterness.
* Belts out "Sir, yes Sir!" when you ask them if they know the time.

5th Column:
* Laugh at innapropriate times during World War II documentaries.
* Get expressions of lethal anticipation when phrases such as "council meeting" or "running for council" are used around them.
* May disappear for long stretches of time then come back suddenly with no real explanation for the departure or return.

Tsoo:
* Words never quite seem to synch up with the actual movement of their lips.
* Despite their obvious derision of people who are not physically fit, they will NEVER describe them using the word "tubby"...
* Seem unaware of the colors orange or purple.

Outcasts:
* When you talk to them about promotions or moving up the "corporate ladder" they start talking about the best foundation make ups available.
* Frequently use the completely wrong adverb to describe things; like using Sparky to describe ice or Stony to explain fire.
* Seem completely comfortable with the idea that one member of a given organization should completely justify the existence of the organization as a whole.

Family:
* Wear suits everywhere... we mean everywhere... even the beach... even to swim.
* Talk like Joe Pesci on a three day bender.
* Tend to assign nicknames to everyone they know, even casually. After a while they tend to run out of good ones, so new acquaintances may end up as Jimmy "the three-toed tree sloth with mild psoriasis and intestinal parasites" Calzone.

Nemesis:
* Have their days off planned... down to the minute... four years in advance.
* Only THINK they're currently off the clock.
* Hate college football but obsessively watch the marching bands during the half-time shows.

Carnival of Shadows:
* The men will constantly twitch and jerk at anything that enters their peripheral vision as though not used to having it.
* The women obsessively wear nothing but Relaxed Fit jeans and sweat pants, walk like they've been in the saddle too long and have constant expressions of relief.
* When confronted about their constant subservience to the females around them, the men will giggle uncontrollably when told they are "whipped."

Crey:
* Obsessively clean themselves so as not to leave stray DNA laying about; constantly checking their skin for mysterious cuts or "needle spots"...
* Think "I don't know... I just work here..." is a hilarious response to any question.
* Break out into automatic flash mob dancing when they hear "She Blinded Me With Science" on store loudspeakers.

Malta:
* Can drain the energy and fun out of any party just by telling his vacation stories.
* Thinks navy blue is a camoflage color.
* Clothing seems to be made up mostly of pockets.

Knives of Artemis:
* If you attempt to walk anywhere with them they immediately slow to half their normal pace.
* While they only remember their boyfriend's name about 3 times in 4, they will lovingly describe in horrifying detail what they would do to ol' whats-his-name should he ever cheat on them.
* In public places have been known to start singing favorite country song lyrics like "..I'll show him what little girls are made of... gunpowder and lead..." or those from "Earl Had to Die" or "The Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia"...

Arachnos:
* Mu tend to gesture wildly with their arms as though incapable of talking with just their voices... also seem to suffer from severe restless leg syndrome.
* Most females will stand in rapt distraction with dreamy expressions when sunlight or cool breezes touch their faces.
* Crabs may stare in consternation at an object on a high shelf for several moments before smacking themselves on the forehead then reaching for it with their hand.

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My mind wanders so often you've probably seen its picture on milk cartons. - Me... the first person version of the third person Steelclaw

I needed a chuckle today. Those are amusing. Welcome back.

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"If I fail, they write me off as another statistic. If I succeed, they pay me a million bucks to fly out to Hollywood and fart." --- George A. Romero
"If I had any dignity, that would have been humiliating" --- Adam Savage
Virtue Server: Kheprera, Malefic Elf, Lady Omen, Night Rune, La Muerte Roja, Scarab Lafayette, Serena Ravensong, Kyrse, and Arachnavoodoo among others.

All of this was pure gold, Steelclaw. My two favorite were Crab #3 and Tsoo #1.

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My guides:Dark Melee/Dark Armor/Soul Mastery, Illusion Control/Kinetics/Primal Forces Mastery, Electric Armor
"Dark Armor is a complete waste as a tanking set."

Awesme, very very awesome. Nice work there!

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What exactly does an expression of lethal anticipation look like?

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Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's the memory
And there you'll always be
-- The Fox and the Hound

Oh god...I've just realised something.

Steelclaw is Charlie Sheen! He's winning all the time!!

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Awesome.

However the winner is!

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Current active characters: Dragon Maiden (50+3 Brute SS/WP/PM), Black Widow Maiden (50+1 Night Widow), Catayclasmic Ariel (50 lvl Defender - Kin/DP), Quantumshock (50 lvl Elect/Energy/Energy), American's Defender (38 lvl Tanker - SD/Mace), Spider-Maiden (15 lvl Corruptor - RB/PD) & Siren Shrike (15 lvl Defender - Sonic/Sonic). My entire stable.

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I didn't get a couple of them, but most were pure genius. Have I mentioned how much you were missed?

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@Winter. Because I'm Winter. Period.
I am a blaster first, and an alt-oholic second.

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My mind wanders so often you've probably seen its picture on milk cartons. - Me... the first person version of the third person Steelclaw

Good to see you posting again Steelclaw .

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Andy Belford
Community Manager
Paragon Studios

very nice

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And here I thought this was going to be a "I'm waaaaasssssddddddddddddd" story.

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Leader of The LEGION/Fallen LEGION on the Liberty server!
SSBB FC: 2062-8881-3944
MKW FC: 4167-4891-5991

This was comedic gold. Platinum, even.

Holy hell this was great.

It took me an hour to post this. I'm still laughing.

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Where to now?
Check out all my guides and fiction pieces on my blog.
The MFing Warshade | The Last Rule of Tanking | The Got Dam Mastermind
Everything Dark Armor | The Softcap
don'T attempt to read tHis mEssaGe, And believe Me, it is not a codE.

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Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's the memory
And there you'll always be
-- The Fox and the Hound

Very amusing! Thank you for tonight's smile, Steelclaw.

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I didn't know I missed these lists until SteelClaw came back. *sinlgemanlytear

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The Nemesis ones had me crying.. WB Steely.. we missed ya!

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"Well, there's going to be some light music and a short note of apology saying, 'The universe ended last week, we're really sorry, we don't know what you're doing here, didn't you get the message?'"- Steve Moffat