Steelclaw

Steelclaw Studios is happy to announce it has taken one of your precious childhood memories... Mary Poppins... and put it through the Steelclaw treatment. While most of us here at the Studio would like to apologize profusely for this act of Parody; we implore you to remember that it was the boss Steelclaw who made us do it. That and we desperately need these paychecks… they’re better than the ones we were earning working in his sweatshop making knock-off tee-shirts.

Note: I have left several songs out of the movie, including but not limited to “I Love to Laugh”, “Feed the Birds” and others. The story was long enough without cramming EVERYTHING into it and, in the case of “Feed the Birds” I love the song too much to denigrate it thusly. I have also shortened “Life’s a Jolly Holiday With Mary” because, let’s face it, the original version took up 30% of the movie.

Enjoy… or at least pretend to…



The scene opens under the Atlas Statue, many heroes are standing about in their little groups talking and emoting around the edges of the platform. The camera pans back to take in a wider scene until the base of the stairs is visible. A small group of three individuals appears in the spot where new players and Tutorial port in.

Camera sweeps down to tight shot on all three. Two are male, one tall and one short while the other is a female, also short. The tall male has “Tanks Banks” above his head in blue while the boy and girl have “Atomike” and “Pain Jane” respectively.

“Daddy… what are we going to do first?” Pain Jane says in chat, practically before they’ve fully materialized from the port.

Banks, however, seems distracted and doesn’t answer. He moves away from the others who follow him obediently after they figure out the controls, having skipped the tutorial. They reach the center of the platform under Atlas where Banks sends out a broadcast.

“L1 Tank lfff.”

“What in the world is a Lone Tank Lehffffffft?” Atomike asks, spraying a fine mist of spit all over his monitor.

“You have to talk in chat, Michael,” his sister explains patiently. “Otherwise the other characters can’t hear you.”

“It takes too long to type though,” he responds, being rather young and relegated to the hunt and peck method of on-line communication.

“Yes, but it confuses the readers too much if they have to figure out whether things are happening here or in the game,” Jane said.

In the meantime, a number of responses and advertisements were appearing in the chat window. Most of them were, like their father, pleas for free farms. However there were an inordinate number of broadcasts advertising farms going for millions of influence per run. The more of these appeared in the chat window, the more agitated the tight-wad Banks became.

All at once, and for no apparent reason, he began to sing.

(to the tune of “A British Nanny”)
Oh, Atlas Park has gone to the Americans
It’s former glory a memory from the past
And so a lowbie who’s in need
Victimized by greed
Must face the grind; instead of leveling fast.

And so I face a most dire decision
One that brings no small amount of stress
The one through twenty level grind
Is so unkind
I find them repetitive, uninspiring, tedious…
In short they’re a ghastly mess

Jane waited through this primly while Atomike ran in circles around the two while jumping.

“But father,” she said when the last dirge-like notes had faded. “You might have been through the first twenty levels many times but WE haven’t. Michael… I mean… Atomike and I have never played before.”

And before he could respond she began to sing.

(to the tune of “Wanted: A Nanny for Two Adorable Children”)
We’d like to run some lowbie missions
Not just one big farm omission
Save the day… at a run
Just play… have fun

Let us explore this brand new city
Where men wear tights and some girls are kitties
Let us fight bad guys… earn loot…
We’ll street sweep… en route…

Never just farm and sit…
Never all the fun omit…
Come play with your son and daughter
Look deep you know you ought ‘ter

If you won’t play and with star lead us
Run some missions; XP feed us
We might install viruses on your drive
You’ll never play again so long as you’re alive

Hurry, Daddy
You must decide
Quickly
Love your adoring kids

By the time the girl had reached the end of her song, her father had begun to look a little on the desperate side. He’d run the content a thousand times before and the idea of doing so again… even when introducing it to his own children… was a bit more than he could bear.

At that moment, however, a player signed on and materialized right next to the three players. She was small and primly dressed, with a conservative black skirt that reached her ankles. Her hair the formidable look of the hair spray protective armor set and from her back sprang two very colorful butterfly wings.

Above her head floated the name Fairy Droppin’s.

“You there!” he cried desperately, in all caps in broadcast. There were several rude replies which he cringed at… seeing as how there WERE children reading, after all. He switched local and walked to stand in front of Fairy’s field of view. “Pardon me… I was wondering if you could do me a rather immense favor?”

“My answer would, quite sensibly, depend entirely upon the request, don’t you think?” She said… even her print in the chat window looked somehow prim and proper.

“Quite,” he agreed. “I would take it as a great personal favor if you could team with my children here and show them the ropes of the game. You know, take them through some of the starter content, that sort of thing.”

“Oh dear, this again…” she sighed.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she waved dismissively. “I’m used to it by now. I can help you, but if you don’t mind my asking… why don’t you take them yourself?’

“Oh, well… You see… I want to join a farm… but the children they… well… they don’t think sitting by a door is much fun… If you could just take them on some missions I’m sure they’ll get bored with it rather quickly. And you’ll get the influence and loot drops that you come across. I mean… I’d pay you but … let’s be honest… the game will sort of be paying you for me!”

“Let me guess… You’ll be looking for a free farm?” She asked with a completely straight face.

“Pardon? Oh, yes… I suppose I will.. why do you ask?”

“No reason,” she said brightly. “Very well children come along. Let’s not keep your father from his busy day of begging for a hand out and door-sitting.”

Being of magic origin, Fairy Droppin’s took the children to meet Azuria and soon they were fighting Hellions in city hall’s back parking lot. Atomike noted that the Hellions couldn’t be very smart, since they were hanging out harassing people right behind the building with the Super Powers Registrations offices. Fairy Droppin’s nodded sagely and was about to answer when both children erupted into a fiery flash of colors and sound.

“I’m BLOWIN’ UP!” Atomike screamed in absolute panic.

“Who’s attacking us, Ms. Droppin’s?” Pain said, spinning her camera around in a tight circle and making herself quite dizzy.

“Oh, children,” Fairy said in some amusement. “You’re not exploding and you’re not being attacked. That last Hellion you defeated just earned you enough experience points to advance to second level, that’s all.”

And, because it had actually been a few minutes since anyone had done it… Fairy began to sing.

(to the tune of “A Spoonful of Sugar”)
For every mob you can defeat
There is an element of ‘leet
You take the leet and SNAP!
You just earned XP

And every mish you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A boss, Glowie… it’s very clear to see…

That a sudden burst of color means your level has gone up
Your level has gone up
Level has gone up
You’ll get access to new powers when your level has gone up
Or perhaps a slot or two…

Whether you’re street sweeping in the park
Or finishing up a story arc
You’re gathering XP in bits and bites
And when your bubs they equal ten
Defeat your last, hold breath and then…
Your work though long
Has made you big and strong

For a sudden burst of color means your level has gone up
Your level has gone up
Level has gone up
You’ll get access to new powers when your level has gone up
Or perhaps a slot or two…

The dreary drones who think low levels are a tedium and a bore
Forget their roots as they sit down to farm
But treat your contacts like old friends; and the fun it never ends…
And hence… (and hence…)
You’ll find… (you’ll find…)
Fun in the level grind…

For a sudden burst of color means your level has gone up
Your level has gone up
Level has gone up
You’ll get access to new powers when your level has gone up
Or perhaps a slot or two…

About that time another player trotted up to them. He was a lanky man wearing very dirty clothing. He must have purchased the SteamPunk pack because he was leaving a trail of black soot behind him as part of his aura.

His name, according to the helpful, if ever-present, words over his head was The Anti-Ernie.

Apparently whatever virus or contagion was in the air in Atlas Park that day had got to him to, because he was singing as he approached.

(to the tune of “It’s a Jolly Holiday With Mary”)
Ain’t it a glorious day
To log in, sign on and play
I feel a special thrill

Have you ever seen
An avatar so keen
No an’ you never will

Oh, please share a private tell with me Miss Fairy
I’ll touch your wings and butter your fly
My RP skills are far from ordinary
Just unblock me and I’m your guy!

Oh, Pocket D is in our future callin’
Come with me and I know you’ll fall in love
Just one little private tell; you might as well
Oh please stop putting me through all this hell!

Please share a private tell with me Miss Fairy
No wonder that it’s Fairy that I love!

(Fairy glares at him and sings in local)
Oh, it’s you again you filthy little pervert
I will not take you off ignore
You howl at any girl who wears a short skirt
Til they hide behind a mission door

You never think you’re making them all anxious
Never realize you’re acting like a creep
A lady should just run
From your idea of fun
Or better still respond with a big loaded gun!

Oh, be gone with you you filthy little pervert
By the way I’ve blocked your dirty email too!

He ran away at that point, followed by threats of Fairy writing to a Game Moderator. She stood fuming for a time, trying her best to ignore Atomike’s questions about why she didn’t like Anti-Ernie and what he did to get her so upset.

Pain Jane, however, was a bit older than her brother and had a sneaking suspicion she knew what the row had been about. Long used to diverting her brother’s attention, she smoothly changed the subject.

“You said you would send an email to someone if he persisted,” she said with interest. “You mean there are people we can go to if someone else playing the game turns into a… what did you call them, again Atomike?”

“Pooh-buggy-doo-doo-heads.”

“That’s right,” she nodded. “Is there someone we can talk to about mean people in the game?”

“Yes dear,” Fairy nodded, finally getting her composure back. “There are game moderators here and on the forums who you can talk to when things get bad. Their job is to make the game as fun as possible for EVERYONE. They have the authority to settle problems and step on the necks of people who don’t get the point the FIRST time.” At this she glared off after the still retreating Anti-Ernie.

“Really? That’s cool!” Atomike said. “I wanna be a moddlepater too! Do you know any of them?”

“Well… I know four of them by their Red Names…” she considered for a moment then… predictably enough… she began to sing.

(to the tune of “Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious”)
There’s… Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
When I have a problem they’re there always making me smile
If you have a difficulty they’re sure to go the full mile
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle

Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay

I made a post and I became the victim of a troll
The entire thread was now on fire and veering from its goal
But the four horsemen they arrived upon they’re fiery steeds!
The troll was dead, they’d saved my thread and satisfied my needs

There’s… Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
When I have a problem they’re there always making me smile
If you have a difficulty they’re sure to go the full mile
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle

Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay

This game it’s played around the world by every creed and type
Let’s face it we’re all sitting bait; for trolling we are ripe
But we shall post our little threads and do it without fear!
We can all be brave knowing that our heroes are still near

There’s… Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
When I have a problem they’re there always making me smile
If you have a difficulty they’re sure to go the full mile
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle

The scene shifts from the parking lot of Atlas Park City Hall to the upper floor of the AE building. Tanks Banks, the children’s father, is standing plaintively begging for a free farm. He is, however, getting lost in the shuffle, because the room is filled wall-to-wall with nearly hundreds of others doing the exact same thing. There are a few people calling out offers of a farm for hire, and each time one of these offers hits the chat window Tanks visibly flinches.

He sighs and wanders over to stand by a window. In the distance he can see his children and Fairy Droppin’s fighting some Hellions. Soon, however, they have completed their mission and head back to Azuria.

Already at an emotional low, he succumbs to the spreading plague that has apparently hit Atlas Park and begins to sing.

(to the tune of “Chim Chiminy, Chim Chim Cheree”)
Chim chiminy, chim chiminy chim chim cheree
Why won’t anyone kindly share their XP?
Chim chiminy, chim chim, cheree chim cheroo
A first level tank could be helpful to you
Or I could door sit… yes that would work too…

Now as the ladder of power is so strung
A first level toon’s at the bottommost rung
But if there’s one lesson that I have well learned
XP spends the same whether stolen or earned

Chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim cheree
Oh, I am as lonely as lonely can be
Chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim cherart
My kids are both playing with some bright winged tart

(The disease has obviously reached epidemic proportions because ALL the farmers start singing with him)
Chim chiminy, chim chiminy chim chim cheree
Why won’t anyone kindly share their XP?
Chim chiminy, chim chim, cheree chim cheroo
A first level tank could be helpful to you

We come back to the children and Fairy Droppin’s to find they have left the relative safety and annoying broadcasts of Atlas Park and made their way to Kings Row. Fairy has led them to Detective Freitag which greatly confused the children into thinking it was time to sing the Zwillinger and the Net, etc song again. Fairy eventually got them to stop, however, and they received their very first police radio.

“What are we supposed to do with this?” Atomike asked, turning the thing over in his hands.

“This is what you use to get missions from the police,” Fairy explained.

“Why don’t the police do them?” Jane asked politely.

“It’s outside our pay grade,” Detective Freitag said solemnly.

Giving the detective a hard look, Fairy continued. “These missions are for heroes only. You dial into the radio, hear what’s available and pick which one you want to do. After you’ve done enough radio missions you’ll get a special mission which will let you stop a bank robbery.”

“That’s so cool!” Atomike said, being young pretty much everything that might lead to fighting and leveling excited him. “So we don’t have to go through all kinds of story and stuff, we just get to sign in and step right into the mission?”

“Indeed,” said Freitag again, to the irritation of Fairy. “You just listen to the radio.. pick your mission and then the three of you can step in time right to the mission door!”

From another cubicle several feet away a head popped up. “Step in time?”

Another police officer leaned out of a nearby doorway. “Step in time!”

The chant came from all over the police station and soon the entire booking room was filled with PPD.

The Center for Disease Control in Paragon City, when sending their report about the Singing Plague of ’12 to their command center in Vermont, had this to say: “We had thought the singing epidemic contained in Atlas Park and were initiating quarantine procedures, but three individuals, whom have been referenced in the above paragraphs, were able to get out before lockdown occurred. The pandemic spread to Kings Row but somehow mutated during the process… the Kings Row mutation caused the victims not only to uncontrollably sing but to dance as well… The group choreography we recorded would seem to indicate some higher sentience or power possibly directing them. We realized at this time that this was no longer just a Song Plague… it was a full on Broadway Pandemic.

(to the tune of “Step in Time”)
Step in time!
Step in time!
Step in time!
Step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme
Hit the police band, step in time!

(the police all link arms and begin doing kicks in unison, Freitag screams out)
Hostage Crisis!
Hostage Crisis, step in time!
Hostage Crisis, step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme
Hostage Crisis, step in time!

(the dance expands up to the desk tops and papers are flying everywhere)
Big boss battle!
Big boss battle, step in time!
Big boss battle, step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme!
Go fight the boss and step in time!

(some of the more out-of-shape cops are beginning to fall in exhaustion, but most are still game)
Click the Glowie!
Click the glowie, step in time!
Click the glowie, step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme!
Just click the glowie, step in time!

Fairy Droppin’s herded the children from the police station where some rather, un-mission-like objectives were being shouted by the police. She glared back at a particularly naughty one and walked the last several yards to the door with her hands pressed firmly over Atomike’s ears.

When they got outside she operated her radio and began examining the mission choices.

“Miss Droppin’s,” Atomike said, glancing back at the precinct door which still vibrated with sounds of singing inside. “What did they mean by ‘save the trollop?’”

“Never mind, Atomike,” she said firmly. “You can try THAT particular mission when you’re older. For now I think we’ll run a mission to get plans for a spaceship away from the Skulls. Goodness knows we don’t need Skulls in space, it would make it dreadfully more difficult to hunt and kil them for the badge.”

The three went on the missions and the level dings occurred frequently. Soon, Jane and Atomike were each seventh level and had just completed their third radio mission in a row. They were standing by the doors of the police van when they looked up in surprise to see their father’s avatar approaching.

“Father!” Jane cried happily. “We’ve been having the most wonderful time! And we’re already up to seventh level! How are you doing?”

“Still bloody first,” Banks grumbled dispiritedly. “Not a single one of those high level characters will power level me! They all keep asking for millions of influence per run! How am I supposed to get that kind of cash at such a low level?”

“Don’t you just despise greedy, lazy people?” Fairy Droppin’s said sweetly.

“Absolutely! It’s deplorable behavior.” Banks said stoutly then blinked. “Why are you shaking your head like that?”

“Nothing… slight and very sudden headache,” Fairy said.

“Well… I got too bored just standing around begging for a farm so I decided to come see what you lot were up to.”

“We’re about to beat up some bank robbers!” Atomike said with a Dance emote.

“Yes, Father, please come with us! If you can’t get a farm going you can at least come play with us for a while.” She smiled and scuffed one foot along the floor. “You can even door sit if you like… we don’t mind.”

“You’d… you’d still like to play with me?” Banks stammered, looking suddenly guilty. “I mean… I treated you rather poorly what with fosting you off on some spotty-looking stranger… no offense.” He glanced over at Fairy.

“Some taken,” she replied coolly.

He didn’t appear to notice. “I… well… I’d love to go run a mission with you!”

Fairy Droppin’s passed the star to Pain Jane and quietly quit the team the moment Tanks accepted the invite. She then stood back as, sure enough, Banks burst into song.

(to the tune of “Let’s Go Fly A Kite”)
With teammates of humor and fun
You can have a truckload of fun
Take a step through the door
And shore up your weak flank!
And we’ll run out the plank
And head straight for the bank!

Oh oh oh
Let’s safeguard the bank
Rise to a brand new rank
Let’s safeguard the bank
And save the money

We’ll run side missions too
Arsons, a pawn shop coupe!
Oh, let’s safeguard the bank!

When you’ve finished saving the day
Don’t just leave and take home your pay
Cause right down the block
Is a boss Vah-Zi-Lock!
Oh, he’s on a crime spree
And he’s holding a key!

Oh oh oh
Let’s safeguard the bank
Rise to a brand new rank
Let’s safeguard the bank
And save the money

We’ll run side missions too
Arsons, a pawn shop coupe!
Oh, let’s safeguard the bank![/i]

Watching them disappear into the back of the Police Van, and laughing when Banks’ trajectory apparently imbedded his skull in the ceiling, Fairy Droppin’s gave a sigh and began to job back towards the train depot.

Halfway there she got a tell from someone named Umbral_La.

“Hey, sorry I’m late! I just got in from running a few errands. Wanna play?”

“Sure,” Fairy said, reaching the train station and watching the Day Job Icon pop up in her buff line. “But let’s sign off this server and play characters on Pinnacle…”

She keyed the last line of chat and hit enter the moment before she clicked on the Quit to Character Select option.

“… I really need a (Censored) drink!”

Voice Over: Enriche makes you feel energized and ready to face your day. Don't believe us? We tracked down an Enriche drinker to find out how HE feels about the idea of going a day without a fortifying drink of Enriche.

Praetor Neuron: Go a day without my Enriche? People, I have at least 1000 different scientific advances, research and projects going on at any given time. Enriche helps me maintain the pace it takes to get them ALL finished perfectly and thereby provide a better lifestyle and stronger defense of all you loyal Praetorians. But don't let ME be the one to convince you how important it is to drink Enriche... let's talk to someone who REFUSES to take advantage of this wondrous elixer...

(scene switches to show an agitated looking armored individual)

Anti-Matter: What? Oh... COME ON!!

Was thinking today of a few things that could happen with City of Heroes that might put the ol' strain on the Teen Rating.

Yes... yes I'm a naughty boy.

* Ustream + Zwillinger + certain phrases in a foreign language contained within popular songs.

* Any changes of any kind to the current Boob Slider.

* Swan + Premature Molting

* The Praetorian version of Silver Mantis turns out to be male... and they meet one another... and find they have a lot in common.

* Boob physics as used in various fighting and/or beach volleyball games is introduced into City of Heroes.

* The development team has completely mislead us on what the "Seed of Hamidon" really is.

* Ms Liberty's protests go unheeded at the introduction of the new Mirrored Boot costume piece.

* Boob Physics + Boob Slider Maxed + Super Jump = Damage taken at every landing but extra height on the proceeding jump

* Inclusion of cape physics on every piece of loose and/or hanging clothing seriously re-considered when playing through Banished Pantheon story arcs.

* Turn Down Girl's sister... Sleep With Anything Girl... is introduced to Pocket D.

* For a certain number of Paragon Points per month you can hear all private chats on Virtue as though they were sent in Broadcast.

* In-Game advertising takes an upswing when using Hover on a character with a maxed boob slider is brought to you by Goodyear.

For the average gang or para-military organization member life is not all beer and skittles. If it weren't bad enough that every hero and villain was gunning at them with xp flames in their eyes... they have issues with their own organizations as well.

Here are a few of the complaints I heard during some casual conversations between battles.

* Skulls: "Well, it's not easy bein' at the bottom of the food chain now isn' it? I mean... it's bad enough that we got a badge tha's not even spelled properly... Our symbol is a skull... I mean.. a real frakkin' SKULL! D'you know what happened to my health insurance premiums when I told 'em I wore a real human skull as a mask? Not very hygenic, don't you know..."

* Vahzilok: "I can't complain... well.. I mean I COULD... but I shouldn't... When you flunk out of pre-med and your parents are still jacked about you becoming the first doctor in the family... well... I mean I couldn't very well tell 'em the TRUTH, now could I? Lucky for me my father was a butcher... strangely enough the Vahzilok value the skills I got in his shop more than those I got in school..."

* Hellions: "Being a Hellion would be a lot better if the danged boss would take my advice and buy Bactine at a bulk discount..."

* Lost: "Now, you didn't hear this from me... but we have power swords... we got energy rifles and pistols... we rob banks and take rich, powerful people as hostages... but we still dress like transients with free access to the city dump. I mean COME ON! I know we used to be homeless... I get that... but can't we be allowed SOME kind of fashion? We're supposed to become Rikti someday... and they're pretty snazzy dressers... now that they're not running around naked anymore that is..."

* Trolls: "Me am have no complaints... Me hear that ignorance is bliss... Me not sure what ignorance is... but it am make me happy..."

* Outcasts: "Each of the sub-groups, fire, earth, ice and we lightning Outcasts all poke fun at each other. I suppose it's all meant in good humor but one more smurf joke... just ONE... and I'm going to introduce one of these freakin' jokers to my teabag taser move..."

* 5th Column: "It's all right, I guess. I mean, we got snazzy uniforms and we get to play with weapons and all that... but... I'm from Jersey... I don't speak German... I don't even know what my job title is... I can't even PRONOUNCE it... and can someone explain to me where the heck happened to the first four columns? No one seems to want to talk about it..."

* Tsoo: "Powers are nice... but the tatoos freaking HURT... and I'm a bleeder!"

* Arachnos: "I just don't feel like they appreciate me as an individual."

* Warriors: "You know what? I just wanted to swing a sword at some heads. The biggest dream I had was someday really decapitating someone... WHACK thump thump thump... ya know? But the boss is SO into this whole 'Geek Tragedy' thing! I thought we was gonna be bustin' some skulls... not holdin' one up and quotin' Shakespeare in some stupid play... and if one more punk calls me a LARPer... I'm gonna have to kill him... once I find out what the hell a LARPer is..."

* Freakshow: "It'll be better once they figure out a more efficient battery design... I'm tired of runnin' out juice in the middle of a fight... still... it's better than the extension cord idea... nothin' worse than running away from a battle and reachin' the end of your 'rope' so to speak... and the 'lectric bills were outrageous! Had to rob banks just to keep the gang alive... literally!"

* Malta: "It would be fine if everyone could maintain a professional demeanor... If I come across one more sapper who thinks the old 'here let's shake on it' hand buzzer endurance drain routine is funny I think I'm going to vomit."

* Longbow: "I don't know if you've noticed but.... well... these uniforms ride up... a LOT."

* Carnival of Shadows: "I realize the masks... like... are the source of our... like... power and stuff... but I will TOTALLY... like... hurl... if one more guy says I have a butter face... I like... don't even know what that means.. but like... it doesn't sound good... because like butter is all gnarly and greasy... and my face is like TOTALLY not greasy... I totally like moisturize and stuff..."

* Crey: "I was told this would be the fast track to becoming a Mad Scientist with my own gig... Then I read my employment contract and that little 'intellectual property' clause."

* Devouring Earth: "It's the humans that are the most annoying part really... I'm not just talking about the heroes or the industrialists who are destroying the planet... I think the most annoying thing is the stoners... I mean.. I KNOW I'm a walking, talking Shroom... but it gets really annoying the way they follow me around trying to take bites out of me."

* Nemesis: "The steam powered weapons are bad... granted... stylish but dangerous, you know? I can't say the uniform thrills me... I always feel like I'm in some evil super-army with a marching band fetish. But the part that really makes me consider retirement? The Nemesis Automatons... I can't put my hands on it right now but I'm SURE my employment contract had a 'planned obsolescence' clause in it..."

* Knives of Artemis: "I don't hate men... I LIKE men... I'd like to DATE a guy once in a while... but I just mention what I do for a living and they're all like 'hey... I can hook you up with my sister if you like'..."

* Cimerorans: "Comfortable? Yes, very comfortable... but drafty as all hell... and don't get me started about chilly days..."

* Dopplegangers: "You never feel like you're allowed to express your individuality... you know?"

* Circle of Thorns: "Steal a body... insert your ancient soul into the stolen body... live forever... Sounds like a great deal, doesn't it? And it is normally... unless you p*ss off the guy who assigns who gets what body... then... not so good..."

* Luddites: "I had an existential dilema a few weeks ago... I couldn't resolve denying and decrying the use of all technological devices when I, myself, am a character in a computer game and therefor owe my very existence to technology... luckily Friar Dave counselled me... it's amazing how effectively you can counsel someone with a shillelagh."

* Red Caps: "What's under the cap? What's under the cap? I get so tired o' always bein' asked that question. We Red Caps are a wee bit sensitive about such things... so stop tryin' ter snatch the hats from our heads! Do you have any idea how long it takes to tuck a four foot afro back under the bloody thing?!"

* Scrapyarders: "Eh.... it's a living."

* Void Hunters: "Do you know how hard it is to hunt a Void? They don't leave tracks you know."

* Infected: "You know... just between you and me... this stuff tastes like s**t..."

These Amazing Team Moments have been brought you by LAG!

Screw Intel! Try LAG!

Operator: Paragon City 911; what's your emergency?

Caller: Oh thank god! The office building! It's filled with hooligans and gang members! They've got guns!

Operator: Understood ma'am... now how is your emergency classified?

Caller: Classified?! I just told you! There are armed invaders inside the building! Send the police immediately! We're at the Hoffenfranz Building in Talos Island!

Operator: Let me guess... you've never called Paragon 9-1-1 before, have you?

Caller: Well... no actually... I just moved into the city three weeks ago.

Operator: (sighs) Okay.. no problem... I'll walk you through the procedure. First we need to identify who has invaded the building. Can you describe one of them?

Caller: And after I've described them... THEN you'll send the police?

Operator: That's not ... quite... how it works here ma'am... just work with me and everything will be fine. What do the invaders look like?

Caller: Well.. they look bizarre to be honest... is there a Sci-Fi convention in town or something? They all seem to have robot parts. Oh, and they all look like they just came from a punk-rock concert too...

Operator: Ah, Freakshow. Excellent. Now... I need to know if you're a hostage or not.

Caller: Of course I'm a hostage!! Didn't I just tell you they've taken over the entire building?!

Operator: (counting silently to ten) That's not exactly what I meant ma'am... Let me rephrase the question... are there currently any assailants standing around you and ONLY you? Maybe looking intimidating or even just staring blankly off into space?

Caller: Is this a freaking joke? Did I call 1-800-Moron or something?!

Operator: Just answer the question, ma'am.

Caller: NO. There is no one standing around me... I ran away from the invaders first chance I got like any sensible person would!

Operator: You sound out of breath...

Caller: I'm still running.

Operator: Why don't you stop?

Caller: Well... it's strange to say but... well... I can't seem to stop.

Operator: Welcome to Paragon, ma'am.

Caller: What?

Operator: Never mind. Have you seen anyone else who HAS been capable of standing still? Probably with a lot of those sci-fi punk rockers standing around them?

Caller: No... everyone else seems to be running around aimlessly too...

Operator: Have you noticed any strange, glowing objects? Or heard a low, sort of throbbing noise?

Caller: Are you insinuating I take drugs?!

Operator: I'll take that as a "No" then... Hmmm... Have you heard any of the Freaks talking?

Caller: As a matter of fact, yes... I heard one of them say that RoboRooter was going to rule this town... or something like that.

Operator: Ah! Excellent... Take down the boss character and his guards... finally... Okay ma'am.. I'll put it out on the police radio that we have a problem in your building. I'm sure some hero will be along shortly to help you out.

Caller: That's it?! You mean to tell me the police aren't going to respond AT ALL?!

Operator: Not in our job descriptions ma'am.

Caller: Then what do you people DO?

Operator: Sit around the police station waiting for the Bank to be robbed, mostly... then when it's robbed we go out and stand around in the streets.

Caller: You mean you don't even go TO the bank?

Operator: Nope... they have security for that. We just stand around in the streets.

Caller: (long period of stunned silence) So what in the world am I supposed to do until your stupid hero GETS HERE?!

Operator: Run around randomly in terror, I suppose... It's not like you have much choice in the matter. Oh, and incidently, if you decide to remain in our fair city... you may want to invest in a pair of comfortable running shoes.

Caller: (frosty-toned) Any other sage advice, buster?

Operator: Yeah... industrial strength purses... a strap tensile strength of at LEAST 65 torque pounds.

Caller: Huh? What in the heck for?

Operator: You'll learn. Thank you for calling Paragon 9-1-1... Have a good day.

(click)

I can't believe I'm going to say this...


FLUBBAHTAWUGGIT!

...

.....

Still can't believe it.

Okay... new rules... you can put in ANY 25 items mentioned somewhere in this thread as long as no one disagrees with its inclusion. Mix and match to your pleasure.

Follow the instructions below in order to play Bingo tomorrow during the weekly Ustream.

1) Go to the website: http://www.teach-nology.com/web_tools/materials/bingo/

2) Click on the HyperLink under the 5x5 card...

3) Enter the following 25 items in the spaces provided on the next page: (note you may have to abbreviate some; so long as you recognize them on your card)
Tangent!
Table Thumper
Positron speaks in chat
"Can't discuss that yet"
"Soon(tm)"
BlackPebble Lunch
Your name mentioned
Ustream Problems
New Screenshots
Dev with Hat On-Air
Zwillinger Burps
"Can we talk about that?"
Dead Air
Bingo mentioned on-air
Samuraiko mentioned on air
Golden Girl mentioned on air
Steelclaw mentioned on air
Zwill: Movie quote/reference
Zwill: Theater quote/reference
"how does one break into the gaming industry?" interview question
"what the heck do you do around here?" interview question
Beastyle: slams Zwill in chat
TheNET: slams Zwill in chat
Beastyle: responds to your question/comment
Female appears on air!

4) Click on Free Bingo Space button.

5) Print the screen with your bingo card on it.

6) During tomorrow's (today's if you're reading this the day of.... and Disregard if you're late for it) broadcast keep your card and a pen handy. If one of the events listed occurs X out that square on your card. If you get five in a row horizontally, vertically or diagonally type "BINGO!" in the chat.

Maybe if the Dev's are nice they'll offer a prize for the first Bingo... though lord only knows how they'll verify it.

Okay, I used to feverishly collect comic books back in the 80's; mostly Marvel titles but some DC and independents too.

One of the reasons I stopped collecting (other than rising cost per issue) was the impossible time-lines. Spiderman may have been around for well over 30 years but Peter Parker himself hadn't aged a day and was still shilling photos of himself to the Bugle.

Of course, now they're even worse... Now they're even worse. Canon doesn't seem to mean anything to the comic industry these days. Heck, DC is planning a company-wide toilet flush and pretty blue water reset in the next few months. In my opinion it's become almost impossible to feel invested in a character or story line because you never know if they're going to say "Ooops... our bad... it didn't actually happen that way at all.. in fact... in the NEW universe your favorite character has a sex change, loses all their money and reputation and becomes a homeless sociopath who will eventually become a villain.. and not a very important one either... think of the Vulture but without the as much dignity."

I'm curious if anyone feels the same way I do about it. Also, I'm curious about the potential for a comic book publishing company to take a stand on the matter and meet with success.

So, a comic book publisher makes the following promises:

1) We will come out with a number of different series based on heroes and characters in a single universe. There will be no multi-verse, no alternate earths or dimensions where everything is opposite, bizarro or painted fuschia... just the one universe.

2) Everything will be diligently recorded from the outset. We will actually WORK to record all material as canon and our writers will be required to be familiar with and adhere to past issues.

3) Time passes normally. A year in the real world will indicate a year in the comic book. This will be less a "each issue will take up exactly one month's time" and more a "our characters will age a year after they've been in print a year". Obviously some heroes will be immortal or will not age at the same rate as a normal human, but this will apply ONLY in cases where it makes sense.

4) Nothing happens in a vacuum. There will be extensive efforts to communicate between development/writing teams so that if the Empire State Building turns into a bowl of tapioca pudding in one of our issues, the other heroes in other series will know about it. Major events may not always result in cross-overs but there WILL be a commonality. We won't forget all these heroes exist in the same place at the same time.

5) When a character dies, they DIE. We will not cheapen our stories with fake deaths. This is not to say that obscure or mysterious "did they REALLY die?" events will not happen, but rather if we announce the death of a character and build the series up to a climax point... we promise not to bring them back a month or so later because we miss the revenue they were generating.

6) We will never... NEVER... do a "what if" series or single issue. We will leave the what ifs to our fans and dedicate ourselves to creating what really happens.

I could go on with other guidelines, but I think you all (those of you who read this far) get the general idea.

Would you support this idea? Would you want to read about a character who grew older at the same rate as you? Or do you prefer the way the industry works now; with no such thing as canon?

Knowest thou, Developers that though thou dost dwell in golden towers high above us that thou art held to an exacting standard by means of thine lofty positions.

Know also, that we are the Doom-Criers and do but obey our most holy doctrine of chastisement and criticism both in moments of prophecy (DOOOOOOM!) and reminiscence (told ya so!).

So detest not the Doomcrier; instead know that we but follow our Bible in its tenets and doctrines. Know moreover that you may avoid our catechisms and condemnations. Indeed, it is written in the Most Holy book the Doom-Crier's Bible how best thy may create thine game in such a way to avoid the scathing acid of our criticisms.

I lay, therefor, before thee the Doom-Crier's Bible Developer Commandments:

* Thou shalt keep record of every player schism and clique within thine game; be they role player, farmer, soloer or teamer. Thou shalt keep them separate in thine mind and appease them all; even unto paradox should their demands directly oppose one anothers. For, verily, though Paradox is the enemy of the universe and time stream itself... it is of no concern to the Doom-Crier.

* Thou shalt be open with thine player community and divulge unto them plans for the future no matter how tenuous or speculative. Thou shalt realize thine merest hint of a suggestion is now law and thou art bound by what thy say. To this end, thou shalt offer up thine Marketing Staff to the gods of the Doom-Criers in sacrifice. Be not chagrined by this charge, our most august augeries have informed us Marketing be not in possession of a soul.

* Thou shalt announce time tables and due dates with confidence and unerring accuracy. Thou shalt never use the word "soon" trademarked or otherwise nor any ambiguous term. If thine target can not be found on a real world calendar thou shalt speak it not.

* Thou shalt adhere to thine announced schedule with a steadfastness bordering upon OCD requiring involuntary mental health incarceration. Know that the Doom-Criers do not care about thine namby-pamby excuses. Thou hath our permission to hire workers of shaky citizenship and employ sweatshop practices to meet thine deadlines.

* Know that thou art wrong. Only the Doom-Criers are in the right. Indeed, the Doom-Crier's Bible hath stated that if Doom-Crier A doth state that one and one equal two and Doom-Crier B doth unequivocably demand that it equal sixteen and one-eighth they are BOTH correct and until thine codes and computer mathematical systems are changed to reflect both as being true... thou wilt STILL be wrong.

* Thou shalt not be cowardly. We know thine only safe course in avoiding our wrath and vociferous chastisement is to maintain the status quo and change nothing in the game. Thou shalt not give in to the urge to hide in thine cubicle caves and mutter something about the software not being able to do THAT; whatever "that" might be. Thou shalt grow a pair.

* Thou shalt not be overly brave. Be not indifferent to the Doom-Criers! Thou shalt not speak the words "You can't please everyone." Such a concept is against the very building block precepts of the Doom-Criers. Besides... it hurts our feelings.

* When thou dost announce upcoming changes to the game thou shalt read and commit to thine heart the feedback of thine gaming community. Thou shalt respond to every suggestion in the forums even unto every thread having a Red Name response. Thou shalt send all Doom-Crier posters a private message thanking them for their guidance and a lovely fruit basket.

* Be thee not of Developer creed but instead beholden to the title Moderator; thou shalt download the Doom-Crier's Bible from the internet in PDF format. Thou shalt have the entirety of its contents etched into thine very flesh by one of our consecrated tattooists and live by its tenets. Verily shalt thou constantly carry several mirrors with thee to help thee read the sections in the tricky spots of thy body. Thou shalt ever cast the word "trolling" from thine lexicon and delete not the posts of thine holy brethren.

* Thou shalt memorize the entirety of the True Followers of the Doom-Crier's Bible. Thou shalt know a true Doom-Crier's post from that of a non-follower. For verily only a Doom-Crier's words are Gospel. Everyone else is just complaining and full of s**t.

I have said before... and will continue saying... the way around the whole Super or Villain group problem is to have groups sponsored by Vanguard. Vanguard currently works with both heroes AND villains so there would be no reason not to provide small private bases to their operatives.

My first was Arken Shatterfist a katana/super reflexes Scrapper. She still exists today... although she's been deleted and re-started... er.. several times.

* Having my mouth open when Montague "magically" sent the Grave Dirt through my cell phone.

* Falling for it the first time an Embalmed Vahzilok asked me to pull his finger.

* Meeting Captain Castillo for the first time and asking him to tell me a little about himself.

* Thinking I'd actually saved that Lost when I cured him... only to see his former companions fill him full of shot gun rounds.

* The realization of what kind of hero I was expected to be when destroying a bunch of Clockwork and beating the tar out of a few Skulls earns me the title: Negotiator.

* The scene I caused at dinner when my wife served green Jell-O for dessert... after I'd spent all day in Bloody Bay fighting Shivans.

* Asking that Freakshow with the scythes for hands how he managed certain bathroom clean up activities... and getting an answer.

* Thinking I'd actually accomplished something the first time I rescued Fussionette after she'd been captured.

* The chant of "Us: One of" from the Rikti when I accidentally hit Secondary Mutation in the middle of battle and went Monkey.

* Offering to wrap the back of Statesman's head in tin foil just to "complete the look."

* Flirting with the "female" Praetorian Clockwork and getting the response: WHILE PERV.FLRT; CWK.TSK = GAG

* Doing seizure first aid by wedging something between their teeth the first time I saw a Ghoul die.

* While creating this post... looking at the emoticons at the bottom and realizing WHY the red frowny face was scowling. (consider where that thumb is about to go)

EDITED: Because I just played my Thugs/Thermal Mastermind for the first time since the 20.5 update.

* Every moment I spent buffing each individual member of my team prior to the AoE Buffs.

Since I already HAVE a goatee... I figure I'll take that responsibility.

I'd upload a photo of myself to prove I have one but the last time I tried to send my picture over the internet it devolved into a rather embarassing fiasco...

Weapon of mass destruction indeed... hmph.

Allow me to play Devil's Advocate for a moment... the pay is good and the benefits package is out of this world!

The Retirement plan sucks, tho'...

Any-who...

We must consider Players as a limited resource. Right now the only way to get Incarnate hoobie-joobs (remember I have never played Incarnate content so am unfamiliar with the jargon) is to play through the trials. So, we find a glut of people hanging around Pocket D and begging like a teen ager for weekend car priveleges.

The Devs are happy with this. "We have created a NEED!" they say and pat each other on the back. Then a slowly growing portion of the community starts screaming "We don't want to play (this) Trial(s)! We want (more Trials/solo content)!"

This is a problem.

Trials, by their nature, require a LOT of players to get through. The Devs have dug themselves a hole and may now begin to realize they didn't bring a ladder down into it with them to climb back out. By creating MORE avenues by which the player base can gain the means to earn credit towards Incarnate powers, they are... in effect... spreading the player base out among all the options, ending up with less players per option which is a problem when you need several full teams to accomplish a Trial.

If that wasn't bad enough... CoH Freedom will allow players to play for free which will certainly tempt a fair number of players over to the Dark Side. Free Players do NOT have access to Incarnate Powers and so there is the potential of a dip in Incarnate seeking player population. Likely this would only be temporary, since a good number of new Free players will likely want to go VIP.

The long and the short of my argument is that... eventually... the Devs will HAVE to create a system by which solo or "normal" sized teams can more quickly ascend the Incarnate ladder. The infusion of Trials into the game will practically guarantee it.

Yes, that's right folks... Entropy is at work for YOU!