Assassin's Strike On Your Childhood Memories

Steelclaw Studios is happy to announce it has taken one of your precious childhood memories... Mary Poppins... and put it through the Steelclaw treatment. While most of us here at the Studio would like to apologize profusely for this act of Parody; we implore you to remember that it was the boss Steelclaw who made us do it. That and we desperately need these paychecks… they’re better than the ones we were earning working in his sweatshop making knock-off tee-shirts.

Note: I have left several songs out of the movie, including but not limited to “I Love to Laugh”, “Feed the Birds” and others. The story was long enough without cramming EVERYTHING into it and, in the case of “Feed the Birds” I love the song too much to denigrate it thusly. I have also shortened “Life’s a Jolly Holiday With Mary” because, let’s face it, the original version took up 30% of the movie.

Enjoy… or at least pretend to…



The scene opens under the Atlas Statue, many heroes are standing about in their little groups talking and emoting around the edges of the platform. The camera pans back to take in a wider scene until the base of the stairs is visible. A small group of three individuals appears in the spot where new players and Tutorial port in.

Camera sweeps down to tight shot on all three. Two are male, one tall and one short while the other is a female, also short. The tall male has “Tanks Banks” above his head in blue while the boy and girl have “Atomike” and “Pain Jane” respectively.

“Daddy… what are we going to do first?” Pain Jane says in chat, practically before they’ve fully materialized from the port.

Banks, however, seems distracted and doesn’t answer. He moves away from the others who follow him obediently after they figure out the controls, having skipped the tutorial. They reach the center of the platform under Atlas where Banks sends out a broadcast.

“L1 Tank lfff.”

“What in the world is a Lone Tank Lehffffffft?” Atomike asks, spraying a fine mist of spit all over his monitor.

“You have to talk in chat, Michael,” his sister explains patiently. “Otherwise the other characters can’t hear you.”

“It takes too long to type though,” he responds, being rather young and relegated to the hunt and peck method of on-line communication.

“Yes, but it confuses the readers too much if they have to figure out whether things are happening here or in the game,” Jane said.

In the meantime, a number of responses and advertisements were appearing in the chat window. Most of them were, like their father, pleas for free farms. However there were an inordinate number of broadcasts advertising farms going for millions of influence per run. The more of these appeared in the chat window, the more agitated the tight-wad Banks became.

All at once, and for no apparent reason, he began to sing.

(to the tune of “A British Nanny”)
Oh, Atlas Park has gone to the Americans
It’s former glory a memory from the past
And so a lowbie who’s in need
Victimized by greed
Must face the grind; instead of leveling fast.

And so I face a most dire decision
One that brings no small amount of stress
The one through twenty level grind
Is so unkind
I find them repetitive, uninspiring, tedious…
In short they’re a ghastly mess

Jane waited through this primly while Atomike ran in circles around the two while jumping.

“But father,” she said when the last dirge-like notes had faded. “You might have been through the first twenty levels many times but WE haven’t. Michael… I mean… Atomike and I have never played before.”

And before he could respond she began to sing.

(to the tune of “Wanted: A Nanny for Two Adorable Children”)
We’d like to run some lowbie missions
Not just one big farm omission
Save the day… at a run
Just play… have fun

Let us explore this brand new city
Where men wear tights and some girls are kitties
Let us fight bad guys… earn loot…
We’ll street sweep… en route…

Never just farm and sit…
Never all the fun omit…
Come play with your son and daughter
Look deep you know you ought ‘ter

If you won’t play and with star lead us
Run some missions; XP feed us
We might install viruses on your drive
You’ll never play again so long as you’re alive

Hurry, Daddy
You must decide
Quickly
Love your adoring kids

By the time the girl had reached the end of her song, her father had begun to look a little on the desperate side. He’d run the content a thousand times before and the idea of doing so again… even when introducing it to his own children… was a bit more than he could bear.

At that moment, however, a player signed on and materialized right next to the three players. She was small and primly dressed, with a conservative black skirt that reached her ankles. Her hair the formidable look of the hair spray protective armor set and from her back sprang two very colorful butterfly wings.

Above her head floated the name Fairy Droppin’s.

“You there!” he cried desperately, in all caps in broadcast. There were several rude replies which he cringed at… seeing as how there WERE children reading, after all. He switched local and walked to stand in front of Fairy’s field of view. “Pardon me… I was wondering if you could do me a rather immense favor?”

“My answer would, quite sensibly, depend entirely upon the request, don’t you think?” She said… even her print in the chat window looked somehow prim and proper.

“Quite,” he agreed. “I would take it as a great personal favor if you could team with my children here and show them the ropes of the game. You know, take them through some of the starter content, that sort of thing.”

“Oh dear, this again…” she sighed.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she waved dismissively. “I’m used to it by now. I can help you, but if you don’t mind my asking… why don’t you take them yourself?’

“Oh, well… You see… I want to join a farm… but the children they… well… they don’t think sitting by a door is much fun… If you could just take them on some missions I’m sure they’ll get bored with it rather quickly. And you’ll get the influence and loot drops that you come across. I mean… I’d pay you but … let’s be honest… the game will sort of be paying you for me!”

“Let me guess… You’ll be looking for a free farm?” She asked with a completely straight face.

“Pardon? Oh, yes… I suppose I will.. why do you ask?”

“No reason,” she said brightly. “Very well children come along. Let’s not keep your father from his busy day of begging for a hand out and door-sitting.”

Being of magic origin, Fairy Droppin’s took the children to meet Azuria and soon they were fighting Hellions in city hall’s back parking lot. Atomike noted that the Hellions couldn’t be very smart, since they were hanging out harassing people right behind the building with the Super Powers Registrations offices. Fairy Droppin’s nodded sagely and was about to answer when both children erupted into a fiery flash of colors and sound.

“I’m BLOWIN’ UP!” Atomike screamed in absolute panic.

“Who’s attacking us, Ms. Droppin’s?” Pain said, spinning her camera around in a tight circle and making herself quite dizzy.

“Oh, children,” Fairy said in some amusement. “You’re not exploding and you’re not being attacked. That last Hellion you defeated just earned you enough experience points to advance to second level, that’s all.”

And, because it had actually been a few minutes since anyone had done it… Fairy began to sing.

(to the tune of “A Spoonful of Sugar”)
For every mob you can defeat
There is an element of ‘leet
You take the leet and SNAP!
You just earned XP

And every mish you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A boss, Glowie… it’s very clear to see…

That a sudden burst of color means your level has gone up
Your level has gone up
Level has gone up
You’ll get access to new powers when your level has gone up
Or perhaps a slot or two…

Whether you’re street sweeping in the park
Or finishing up a story arc
You’re gathering XP in bits and bites
And when your bubs they equal ten
Defeat your last, hold breath and then…
Your work though long
Has made you big and strong

For a sudden burst of color means your level has gone up
Your level has gone up
Level has gone up
You’ll get access to new powers when your level has gone up
Or perhaps a slot or two…

The dreary drones who think low levels are a tedium and a bore
Forget their roots as they sit down to farm
But treat your contacts like old friends; and the fun it never ends…
And hence… (and hence…)
You’ll find… (you’ll find…)
Fun in the level grind…

For a sudden burst of color means your level has gone up
Your level has gone up
Level has gone up
You’ll get access to new powers when your level has gone up
Or perhaps a slot or two…

About that time another player trotted up to them. He was a lanky man wearing very dirty clothing. He must have purchased the SteamPunk pack because he was leaving a trail of black soot behind him as part of his aura.

His name, according to the helpful, if ever-present, words over his head was The Anti-Ernie.

Apparently whatever virus or contagion was in the air in Atlas Park that day had got to him to, because he was singing as he approached.

(to the tune of “It’s a Jolly Holiday With Mary”)
Ain’t it a glorious day
To log in, sign on and play
I feel a special thrill

Have you ever seen
An avatar so keen
No an’ you never will

Oh, please share a private tell with me Miss Fairy
I’ll touch your wings and butter your fly
My RP skills are far from ordinary
Just unblock me and I’m your guy!

Oh, Pocket D is in our future callin’
Come with me and I know you’ll fall in love
Just one little private tell; you might as well
Oh please stop putting me through all this hell!

Please share a private tell with me Miss Fairy
No wonder that it’s Fairy that I love!

(Fairy glares at him and sings in local)
Oh, it’s you again you filthy little pervert
I will not take you off ignore
You howl at any girl who wears a short skirt
Til they hide behind a mission door

You never think you’re making them all anxious
Never realize you’re acting like a creep
A lady should just run
From your idea of fun
Or better still respond with a big loaded gun!

Oh, be gone with you you filthy little pervert
By the way I’ve blocked your dirty email too!

He ran away at that point, followed by threats of Fairy writing to a Game Moderator. She stood fuming for a time, trying her best to ignore Atomike’s questions about why she didn’t like Anti-Ernie and what he did to get her so upset.

Pain Jane, however, was a bit older than her brother and had a sneaking suspicion she knew what the row had been about. Long used to diverting her brother’s attention, she smoothly changed the subject.

“You said you would send an email to someone if he persisted,” she said with interest. “You mean there are people we can go to if someone else playing the game turns into a… what did you call them, again Atomike?”

“Pooh-buggy-doo-doo-heads.”

“That’s right,” she nodded. “Is there someone we can talk to about mean people in the game?”

“Yes dear,” Fairy nodded, finally getting her composure back. “There are game moderators here and on the forums who you can talk to when things get bad. Their job is to make the game as fun as possible for EVERYONE. They have the authority to settle problems and step on the necks of people who don’t get the point the FIRST time.” At this she glared off after the still retreating Anti-Ernie.

“Really? That’s cool!” Atomike said. “I wanna be a moddlepater too! Do you know any of them?”

“Well… I know four of them by their Red Names…” she considered for a moment then… predictably enough… she began to sing.

(to the tune of “Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious”)
There’s… Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
When I have a problem they’re there always making me smile
If you have a difficulty they’re sure to go the full mile
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle

Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay

I made a post and I became the victim of a troll
The entire thread was now on fire and veering from its goal
But the four horsemen they arrived upon they’re fiery steeds!
The troll was dead, they’d saved my thread and satisfied my needs

There’s… Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
When I have a problem they’re there always making me smile
If you have a difficulty they’re sure to go the full mile
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle

Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddile um diddle ay

This game it’s played around the world by every creed and type
Let’s face it we’re all sitting bait; for trolling we are ripe
But we shall post our little threads and do it without fear!
We can all be brave knowing that our heroes are still near

There’s… Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
When I have a problem they’re there always making me smile
If you have a difficulty they’re sure to go the full mile
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle
Zwillinger and The Net, Freitag and then there’s Beastyle

The scene shifts from the parking lot of Atlas Park City Hall to the upper floor of the AE building. Tanks Banks, the children’s father, is standing plaintively begging for a free farm. He is, however, getting lost in the shuffle, because the room is filled wall-to-wall with nearly hundreds of others doing the exact same thing. There are a few people calling out offers of a farm for hire, and each time one of these offers hits the chat window Tanks visibly flinches.

He sighs and wanders over to stand by a window. In the distance he can see his children and Fairy Droppin’s fighting some Hellions. Soon, however, they have completed their mission and head back to Azuria.

Already at an emotional low, he succumbs to the spreading plague that has apparently hit Atlas Park and begins to sing.

(to the tune of “Chim Chiminy, Chim Chim Cheree”)
Chim chiminy, chim chiminy chim chim cheree
Why won’t anyone kindly share their XP?
Chim chiminy, chim chim, cheree chim cheroo
A first level tank could be helpful to you
Or I could door sit… yes that would work too…

Now as the ladder of power is so strung
A first level toon’s at the bottommost rung
But if there’s one lesson that I have well learned
XP spends the same whether stolen or earned

Chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim cheree
Oh, I am as lonely as lonely can be
Chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim cherart
My kids are both playing with some bright winged tart

(The disease has obviously reached epidemic proportions because ALL the farmers start singing with him)
Chim chiminy, chim chiminy chim chim cheree
Why won’t anyone kindly share their XP?
Chim chiminy, chim chim, cheree chim cheroo
A first level tank could be helpful to you

We come back to the children and Fairy Droppin’s to find they have left the relative safety and annoying broadcasts of Atlas Park and made their way to Kings Row. Fairy has led them to Detective Freitag which greatly confused the children into thinking it was time to sing the Zwillinger and the Net, etc song again. Fairy eventually got them to stop, however, and they received their very first police radio.

“What are we supposed to do with this?” Atomike asked, turning the thing over in his hands.

“This is what you use to get missions from the police,” Fairy explained.

“Why don’t the police do them?” Jane asked politely.

“It’s outside our pay grade,” Detective Freitag said solemnly.

Giving the detective a hard look, Fairy continued. “These missions are for heroes only. You dial into the radio, hear what’s available and pick which one you want to do. After you’ve done enough radio missions you’ll get a special mission which will let you stop a bank robbery.”

“That’s so cool!” Atomike said, being young pretty much everything that might lead to fighting and leveling excited him. “So we don’t have to go through all kinds of story and stuff, we just get to sign in and step right into the mission?”

“Indeed,” said Freitag again, to the irritation of Fairy. “You just listen to the radio.. pick your mission and then the three of you can step in time right to the mission door!”

From another cubicle several feet away a head popped up. “Step in time?”

Another police officer leaned out of a nearby doorway. “Step in time!”

The chant came from all over the police station and soon the entire booking room was filled with PPD.

The Center for Disease Control in Paragon City, when sending their report about the Singing Plague of ’12 to their command center in Vermont, had this to say: “We had thought the singing epidemic contained in Atlas Park and were initiating quarantine procedures, but three individuals, whom have been referenced in the above paragraphs, were able to get out before lockdown occurred. The pandemic spread to Kings Row but somehow mutated during the process… the Kings Row mutation caused the victims not only to uncontrollably sing but to dance as well… The group choreography we recorded would seem to indicate some higher sentience or power possibly directing them. We realized at this time that this was no longer just a Song Plague… it was a full on Broadway Pandemic.

(to the tune of “Step in Time”)
Step in time!
Step in time!
Step in time!
Step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme
Hit the police band, step in time!

(the police all link arms and begin doing kicks in unison, Freitag screams out)
Hostage Crisis!
Hostage Crisis, step in time!
Hostage Crisis, step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme
Hostage Crisis, step in time!

(the dance expands up to the desk tops and papers are flying everywhere)
Big boss battle!
Big boss battle, step in time!
Big boss battle, step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme!
Go fight the boss and step in time!

(some of the more out-of-shape cops are beginning to fall in exhaustion, but most are still game)
Click the Glowie!
Click the glowie, step in time!
Click the glowie, step in time!
Never need a reason, never need a rhyme!
Just click the glowie, step in time!

Fairy Droppin’s herded the children from the police station where some rather, un-mission-like objectives were being shouted by the police. She glared back at a particularly naughty one and walked the last several yards to the door with her hands pressed firmly over Atomike’s ears.

When they got outside she operated her radio and began examining the mission choices.

“Miss Droppin’s,” Atomike said, glancing back at the precinct door which still vibrated with sounds of singing inside. “What did they mean by ‘save the trollop?’”

“Never mind, Atomike,” she said firmly. “You can try THAT particular mission when you’re older. For now I think we’ll run a mission to get plans for a spaceship away from the Skulls. Goodness knows we don’t need Skulls in space, it would make it dreadfully more difficult to hunt and kil them for the badge.”

The three went on the missions and the level dings occurred frequently. Soon, Jane and Atomike were each seventh level and had just completed their third radio mission in a row. They were standing by the doors of the police van when they looked up in surprise to see their father’s avatar approaching.

“Father!” Jane cried happily. “We’ve been having the most wonderful time! And we’re already up to seventh level! How are you doing?”

“Still bloody first,” Banks grumbled dispiritedly. “Not a single one of those high level characters will power level me! They all keep asking for millions of influence per run! How am I supposed to get that kind of cash at such a low level?”

“Don’t you just despise greedy, lazy people?” Fairy Droppin’s said sweetly.

“Absolutely! It’s deplorable behavior.” Banks said stoutly then blinked. “Why are you shaking your head like that?”

“Nothing… slight and very sudden headache,” Fairy said.

“Well… I got too bored just standing around begging for a farm so I decided to come see what you lot were up to.”

“We’re about to beat up some bank robbers!” Atomike said with a Dance emote.

“Yes, Father, please come with us! If you can’t get a farm going you can at least come play with us for a while.” She smiled and scuffed one foot along the floor. “You can even door sit if you like… we don’t mind.”

“You’d… you’d still like to play with me?” Banks stammered, looking suddenly guilty. “I mean… I treated you rather poorly what with fosting you off on some spotty-looking stranger… no offense.” He glanced over at Fairy.

“Some taken,” she replied coolly.

He didn’t appear to notice. “I… well… I’d love to go run a mission with you!”

Fairy Droppin’s passed the star to Pain Jane and quietly quit the team the moment Tanks accepted the invite. She then stood back as, sure enough, Banks burst into song.

(to the tune of “Let’s Go Fly A Kite”)
With teammates of humor and fun
You can have a truckload of fun
Take a step through the door
And shore up your weak flank!
And we’ll run out the plank
And head straight for the bank!

Oh oh oh
Let’s safeguard the bank
Rise to a brand new rank
Let’s safeguard the bank
And save the money

We’ll run side missions too
Arsons, a pawn shop coupe!
Oh, let’s safeguard the bank!

When you’ve finished saving the day
Don’t just leave and take home your pay
Cause right down the block
Is a boss Vah-Zi-Lock!
Oh, he’s on a crime spree
And he’s holding a key!

Oh oh oh
Let’s safeguard the bank
Rise to a brand new rank
Let’s safeguard the bank
And save the money

We’ll run side missions too
Arsons, a pawn shop coupe!
Oh, let’s safeguard the bank![/i]

Watching them disappear into the back of the Police Van, and laughing when Banks’ trajectory apparently imbedded his skull in the ceiling, Fairy Droppin’s gave a sigh and began to job back towards the train depot.

Halfway there she got a tell from someone named Umbral_La.

“Hey, sorry I’m late! I just got in from running a few errands. Wanna play?”

“Sure,” Fairy said, reaching the train station and watching the Day Job Icon pop up in her buff line. “But let’s sign off this server and play characters on Pinnacle…”

She keyed the last line of chat and hit enter the moment before she clicked on the Quit to Character Select option.

“… I really need a (Censored) drink!”

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My mind wanders so often you've probably seen its picture on milk cartons. - Me... the first person version of the third person Steelclaw

Very funny, but Zombie Poppins has its own charms.

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