Doom-Crier's Bible: Commandments

Knowest thou, Developers that though thou dost dwell in golden towers high above us that thou art held to an exacting standard by means of thine lofty positions.

Know also, that we are the Doom-Criers and do but obey our most holy doctrine of chastisement and criticism both in moments of prophecy (DOOOOOOM!) and reminiscence (told ya so!).

So detest not the Doomcrier; instead know that we but follow our Bible in its tenets and doctrines. Know moreover that you may avoid our catechisms and condemnations. Indeed, it is written in the Most Holy book the Doom-Crier's Bible how best thy may create thine game in such a way to avoid the scathing acid of our criticisms.

I lay, therefor, before thee the Doom-Crier's Bible Developer Commandments:

* Thou shalt keep record of every player schism and clique within thine game; be they role player, farmer, soloer or teamer. Thou shalt keep them separate in thine mind and appease them all; even unto paradox should their demands directly oppose one anothers. For, verily, though Paradox is the enemy of the universe and time stream itself... it is of no concern to the Doom-Crier.

* Thou shalt be open with thine player community and divulge unto them plans for the future no matter how tenuous or speculative. Thou shalt realize thine merest hint of a suggestion is now law and thou art bound by what thy say. To this end, thou shalt offer up thine Marketing Staff to the gods of the Doom-Criers in sacrifice. Be not chagrined by this charge, our most august augeries have informed us Marketing be not in possession of a soul.

* Thou shalt announce time tables and due dates with confidence and unerring accuracy. Thou shalt never use the word "soon" trademarked or otherwise nor any ambiguous term. If thine target can not be found on a real world calendar thou shalt speak it not.

* Thou shalt adhere to thine announced schedule with a steadfastness bordering upon OCD requiring involuntary mental health incarceration. Know that the Doom-Criers do not care about thine namby-pamby excuses. Thou hath our permission to hire workers of shaky citizenship and employ sweatshop practices to meet thine deadlines.

* Know that thou art wrong. Only the Doom-Criers are in the right. Indeed, the Doom-Crier's Bible hath stated that if Doom-Crier A doth state that one and one equal two and Doom-Crier B doth unequivocably demand that it equal sixteen and one-eighth they are BOTH correct and until thine codes and computer mathematical systems are changed to reflect both as being true... thou wilt STILL be wrong.

* Thou shalt not be cowardly. We know thine only safe course in avoiding our wrath and vociferous chastisement is to maintain the status quo and change nothing in the game. Thou shalt not give in to the urge to hide in thine cubicle caves and mutter something about the software not being able to do THAT; whatever "that" might be. Thou shalt grow a pair.

* Thou shalt not be overly brave. Be not indifferent to the Doom-Criers! Thou shalt not speak the words "You can't please everyone." Such a concept is against the very building block precepts of the Doom-Criers. Besides... it hurts our feelings.

* When thou dost announce upcoming changes to the game thou shalt read and commit to thine heart the feedback of thine gaming community. Thou shalt respond to every suggestion in the forums even unto every thread having a Red Name response. Thou shalt send all Doom-Crier posters a private message thanking them for their guidance and a lovely fruit basket.

* Be thee not of Developer creed but instead beholden to the title Moderator; thou shalt download the Doom-Crier's Bible from the internet in PDF format. Thou shalt have the entirety of its contents etched into thine very flesh by one of our consecrated tattooists and live by its tenets. Verily shalt thou constantly carry several mirrors with thee to help thee read the sections in the tricky spots of thy body. Thou shalt ever cast the word "trolling" from thine lexicon and delete not the posts of thine holy brethren.

* Thou shalt memorize the entirety of the True Followers of the Doom-Crier's Bible. Thou shalt know a true Doom-Crier's post from that of a non-follower. For verily only a Doom-Crier's words are Gospel. Everyone else is just complaining and full of s**t.

Oh, hey, Steelclaw made another post...



Edit: First after Steelclaw!

Amen

...Or they could just call and ask me, it would be a lot easier.

DOOM!

Fruit basket, please!

Steelclaw, you seriously have way to much time...

But keep doing this!


Have you got a DOOM for me?

I love that the rules stated that Paradox is all-but required... while also contradicting themselves. Excellently done, Steelclaw!

Cry Doom, and let slip the fruit baskets of appeasement!

We're going to need a lot more fruit baskets

How in the world do you find time to make all these lists with all those spreadsheets you have to manage?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyperstrike English does not borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, hits them over the head, and rifles through their pockets for loose grammar.

Thou doth speaketh from the divine truth, brother!!!

If I may humbly submit the words I have also come to understand...

* Thou shall not commit thyself to only 10 commandments, for moar is better, verily.




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Steelclaw....!!!!!! Fantastic!!!!
The thread title had me staying away a bit... but I couldn't resist checking it... And this is truly your most epic list... and I found it wonderfully entertaining!!

In fact... I plan to link this list in my sig... This needs to be a mainstay in all future and present operations to do with this game!!

Awesome!!

Haha...
I just had to come back and read this again...
And I ended up reading it aloud to my lovely wife!

She was very appreciative and laughed throughout.

I mean...
We read aloud the holy scriptures and feel enlightened and fulfilled.

EDIT: Noticed the original date.