Steelclaw

* Absolve and admit absolute and awesome abdication, Alliteration Man!

* I see you're still using the same old plans, Captain Cut N Paste!

* Ah, now I see why they call you Doctor Strangelove.

* Up, Up and Up some more!

* With great power comes great numbers of groupies.

* I did it for Uncle Sam, Apple Pie and this great government stipend.

* Gawd Bizarro-World Nemesis... can't you follow even the simplest of instructions?!

* Is that your batpole or are you just happy to see me?

* Captain Inebriation, the bad guys went that way! No... no... THAT way... in the direction I'm pointing...

* Everything seems calm... quiet... TOO quiet... this looks like a job for Low Expectation Boy!

* No, Major Snafu... as a matter of fact we DON'T want your help.

* Princess Medeya Soulsong? Where have I heard that name before? And why does it strike terror into my very soul? (Bonus points for anyone who gets this joke without my having to explain it)

* I have hostages and I will kill them all! Do you hear me Lady Buoyancy? No, not you Mister Marvelous... get lost.. I will only respond to Lady Buoyancy... seriously... dude... go away... you're cramping my style here.. Shhh... listen... no... stop it! okay FINE... if you go away I'll email you the video footage of my battle with her... yes, I'll even send you the program to run it in super-slo-motion..

* That fool didn't know that bullets bounce right off my chest, did he Lois? Lois? Oh... crap... damned ricochet... here, I'll apply direct pressure... oops... sorry... I forget my own strength sometimes... I'm sure that'll pop right back in...

Lord_Recluse: All I'm sayin' is it's called "Recluse's Victory"... Is there a zone called "Statesman's Victory"? No, there isn't... Nuff said.

Tsoo_Sorcerer: So I'm in Siren's Call and fighting this hero who strayed too close. I'm like on my last slivers of health and getting ready to 'port away when this Stalker appears out of nowhere and finishes the hero off... funniest damned thing I ever saw!

Troll_Gardvard: Me am no trolling! Me am troll! Stop locking me threads!

Lord_Nemesis: Ahem..... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! Please, discuss.

Lead_Schocker_Outcast: Dang it! Will you trollers stop pi**ing me off?! That's the 4th keyboard I've fried this month!

SkyRaider_Porter: So, I think to myself... hey... why bother to fight them at all?

Skulls_Slammer: I'm on this PUG last night and we're standing on the street by the mission door. Would you believe our Brawler has to go and aggro a whole frickin' hero team?! And OF COURSE it ends up in a team wipe!

Hercules_Class_Titan: I don't CARE if I'm Level Pacted with him! If he doesn't delete the macro saying "And I'll form the head!" I'm breaking the pact and putting him on global ignore!

Malta_Sapper: Hey, can someone offer me an opinion on my build? I just respec'ed out of Sapper Overload in favor of getting Maneuvers... is that a good power?

Vahzilok_Embalmed: Wait a second... is it Power Proliferation if the Player Characters have to pay for it in a booster pack?

Hellion_BldBrthr_Chopper: I can't WAIT for Going Rogue!! I'm gonna side switch and join Wyvern!

Okay, so here's the premise of the following discussion:

Paragon Studios has decided to put out an official comic book line for the City of Heroes franchise. However, instead of staying with a single title they are going to emulate the big boys and create multiple titles all housed in the Paragon Universe.

So Statesman, Positron, Sister Psyche and all the rest have their own individual comic titles as well as Avengers-style team titles for Freedom Phalanx, Midnighter Club, etc.

Here's the twist... they are also going to release a smaller number of titles based entirely on player-created characters. The marketing department figures this will generate public interest in these titles and likely score them some free publicity from various websites and (hopefully) a blurb mention in television media. It may also attract people to the game who hope to get their own creations published someday.

So... you now get to try to pitch one of YOUR heroes/villains for comic book glory. Keep in mind that the character's name should be catchy... you may adore your FlyPaperBoy69 but chances are that title won't sell issues. Also there needs to be a solid through-line that a comic book reader can relate to/have interest in...

Pitch us your characters!

Here's a couple of mine...

Mistress Monolith and the Valkyrie Vanguard: A young girl discovers she is a mutant when her parents are in a horrible car accident and she alone emerges not only alive but completely unscathed. Paragon City decides to make her a ward of the state. She becomes the first such child to be raised in an orphanage specifically geared towards the training of super heroes. When she reaches adulthood she becomes head of the program; which is where the comic book starts. She is in charge of the girls' program.

Re-Stitched: A Crey experiment in the science of wormhole technology goes horribly wrong; resulting in the title heroine not only watching her fiance sucked into some alternate dimension but also becoming the home to a moderately unstable Singularity. The presence of fluxuating gravitational forces inside her own skull has caused her face to rupture, held together by heavy staples. She is a hero fighting against Crey and desperately seeking any sign that her love is still alive somehow. She has a deep dark side and twisted psyche; the results of months of useless reconstructive surgery and Crey's later assertion that SHE was the cause of the accident in an experiment that was never sanctioned in the first place. This is a dark comic where the line between good and evil is blurred and the main character is constantly fighting to hold on to the moral code she had prior to her fall.

Iron Corps: Jonathan Fury was the son of a beat cop who grew up on a diet of gritty justice and a world view with little rose-shading. When he discovered his own mutant powers he still went forward with his plans to join the force. The PPD welcomed him with open arms and, knowing of his father's sterling reputation, had plans in mind for him even before he joined. He now heads up the PPD special division known as Iron Corps; a highly trained team of super powered cops who take the grittier and less glamorous assignments beneath the notice of their spandex wearing counterparts. This is a super team without the autonomy; subject to all the politics and beaurocracy of any police division. Think X-Men meets Hill Street Blues.

A few of the random thoughts and internal dialogs that occurred to me while I was playing the past couple days..

StarHolder: Awright team! Let's go beat up some Devouring Earth!

WellDressedCivillian: Hold it right there, pal! That action is unlawful!

StarHolder: Huh? Unlawful? We're heroes... they're Devouring Earth bad guys... we beat them up... they fall down... what's unlawful about that?

WellDressedCivillian: My organization has spoken extensively with Devouring Earth representatives and we have discovered they are not intent on destroying the earth itself... merely the humans on it who are hurting the environment... We find we can live with this and so have lobbied to get Congress to pass a bill declaring Devouring Earth a protected species...

StarHolder: A protected....? Who the heck are you nuts?

WellDressedCivillian: I represent the Environmental Protection Agency... now stop assaulting these poor children of nature or I'll have you arrested!

TeamMember2: Come on, Carl... I've already got the Devouring Earth defeat badge anyway... let's go hit Striga so I can get my Silver Bullet badge...

YetAnotherCivillian: Don't you even think about it you spandex wearing hooligan!

TeamMember2: Uh-oh, here comes another nut... at least this one's not wearing a suit... wait his tee shirt has a logo on it... hey, Carl.... what does PETA stand for?

*****

Skull: Look out! It's a cowl!

HeroicWife: A what?! What did you just call me?!

HeroicHusband: He called you a cowl dear... it's a slang for hero... like calling us a cape...

HeroicWife: Oh.... so he didn't call me a...?

HeroicHusband: No, dear... he said Cowl... not Cow...

HeroicWife: So I shouldn't....?

HeroicHusband: No... you should arrest him dear... not kill him...

HeroicWife: Are you sure?

HeroicHusband: Pretty sure, yeah.

*****

HeroicWife: Does these spandex tights make me look fat?

(long pause)

HeroicWife: Are you going to answer me?

HeroicHusband: Not until all my toggles are up... no...

*****

The exploration badge in the Brickstown Safeguard is called Cornerstone...

This is appropriate... Brickstown, however, is NOT the cornerstone of Paragon City as originally thought... considering the Zigg's "security" measures it IS the cornerstone of the Rogue Isles... which would positively deserted without its efforts...

*****

The Strongmen of the Carnival of Shadows did not always wear the buckets on their heads...

Indeed, originally they wore the same masks as the ladies. The dress code was changed however, when it was discovered that beard stubble made the masks "too itchy"...

*****

PUG:

1) one of a breed of small, short-haired dogs having a tightly curled tail, a deeply wrinkled face, and a smooth coat that is black or silver and fawn with black markings.

2) one of a team of small, short-lived members having a tightly wound tank, a deeply flawed scrapper, and a troller that is buffing or holding and buffing with defender aspirations.

Welcome to the Madness... now with Nude Hamidon Wrestling every Thursday.

Please help yourself to the complimentary cookies on the table by the admissions desk... wait...

OKAY, WHO ATE THE DA**ED COOKIES?! THOSE WERE FOR THE NEW GUY!

Well... it won't be a mystery for long... the chocolate chips were "special" chocolate... just wait for someone running to the bathroom with both hands clasped over their...

Assessed and targeted! Got my culprit!

Hmm? Oh, sorry... got a bit distracted there.

Anyway, welcome to the nuthouse... put on your Mr Peanut halloween costume and mingle.

I was recently able to smuggle this children's book out of Praetoria.

I'm not sure if it's significant but it was published by the Loyalist Propaganda Publishing Company...

Enjoy...



(Emperor Cole: )
Ham-i-don

Ham-i-don

That Hamidon
That Hamidon
I do not like
That Hamidon!

(Hamidon: )
Ah! A world to feast upon!

(Emperor Cole: )
I will defeat you,
Hamidon!
I will destroy and
Make you gone!

(Hamidon: )
Shall I eat it here or there?

(Emperor Cole: )
You shall not eat it
Here or there.
You shall not eat it
Anywhere!
I will defeat you,
Hamidon!
I will destroy and
Make you gone!

(Hamidon: )
Shall I feed upon this town?
Take them in and make them drown?

(Emperor Cole: )
You will not feed upon
This Town!
As at this point you’re
Going down!
You shall not eat them
Here or there!
You shall not eat them
Anywhere!
I shall defeat you,
Hamidon!
I will destroy and
Make you gone!

(Hamidon: )
Shall I rain death upon this plain?
Cut a swath from here to Spain?

(Emperor Cole: )
Not on a plain.
Neither in Spain.
Nary a town.
You’re goin’ down!
You will not eat them
Here or There.
You will not eat them
Anywhere!
I will defeat you,
Hamidon!
I will destroy and
Make you gone!

(Hamidon: )
Will I? Shall I?
Blot the sky?
Embrace the air
And suck it dry?

(Emperor Cole: )
You will not
Shall not
Touch the sky!

(Hamidon: )
I may just see…
It may be nice…
If I consumed
The arctic ice…

(Emperor Cole: )
You will not, can not
Touch the ice!
Bleed the sky?
That isn’t nice!

You will not destroy the fruited plain
You will not set one foot in Spain
You will not harm one single town
I swear to GOD you’re going down!
You will not eat them here or there!
You will not eat them ANYWHERE!
I WILL defeat you Hamidon!
I WILL destroy and MAKE YOU GONE!

(Hamidon: )
The Sea! The Sea!
The Sea! The Sea!
I shall absorb and drink
The Sea!

(Emperor Cole: )
No, not the sea! Neither the ice!
Let loose the sky, I’ve warned you thrice!
You will not, shall not, eat the plain
You shall not, will not, land in Spain
You will not eat one single town
You’re way past due for going down!
You will not eat them here or there
You will not eat them anywhere
I will defeat you Hamidon!

(Hamidon: )
Say!
The whole world?
Eat the whole world!
Shall I, will I, the whole world?

(Emperor Cole: )
You shall not… will not…
Eat the world.

(The illustrations at this point are of Emperor Cole first cracking his knuckles with a determined look on his face, then launching himself at Hamidon.)

(Hamidon: )
I only want to eat the world!
No need to get your rage unfurled!
(BLAM!)
I will not sip upon the Sea!
The polar ice is not for me!
(WHACK!)
The sky is far beyond my reach!
Now please don’t hit me, I beseech!
(POW!)
I shall not feast upon the plain!
No grain of Spain shall I profane!
(CRASH!)
I will not harm a single town!
The very thought it makes me frown!
(BAP!)
I will not eat them here or there!
I’m on a diet, to my despair!
(BOOOOOOM!)
This epic war, it took its toll…
I’ve been lain low… by Marcus Cole…

(Emperor Cole: )
I now have killed you,
Hamidon.
Destroyed you here
And made you gone.

And on your corpse
I make my claim.
That all may hail
And praise my name.

Okay, so we know the history of the various zones in Primal Earth's Paragon and Rogue Isles. But there are potentially infinite variations of the world out there in the multi-verse...

What kinds of stories might exist in alternate earths?

* Boomtown: In retrospect, the Devs all agreed that the Embalmed Vahzilok GM was not particularly well thought-out.

* Cap Au Diable: When the orange pipes were revealled to, in fact, be filled with rich, chocolatey Ovaltine the Luddites immediately issued a public apology.

* Atlas Park: The once pristine and beautiful area surrounding City Hall has fallen into disrepair and become one of the seedier sections of town. Many heroes blame the new law requiring all Costume Contests to be sanctioned and judged by the Mayor himself. Proponents of this theory claim the Mayor's trend of gifting the most scantily clad of heroines with the first prize led to the gradual degredation of the entire neighborhood.

* Bloody Bay: The enterprising Doctor Ordenstein, upon realizing that collecting and purifying samples of meteorite created a substance that could control the Shivans, soon began mass production. Bloody Bay was reclaimed and Doctor Ordenstein's Jell-O Pet Emporium stores became more common in Paragon and the Rogue Isles than Starbucks.

* Galaxy City: As the years went by the various villain factions began to realize that no heroes really ever went to Galaxy City. Apartments and homes there began to sell at an astounding rate as the bad guys settled in. Strangely enough, Galaxy now holds one of the lowest crime rates in the city... after all... who wants to bring their work home with them?

* Croatoa: It all began when Gormic McGee, deep in his cups, posed the question... "What if there were a spell that could make EVERY day Saint Patrick's Day?"

* Sharkhead Island: There have always been fads that take the country by storm now and again... Cabbage Patch Kids, Hula Hoops, Rubics Cubes... but none of them compared to the Pet Coral craze of the early 21st century. Since Sharkhead Isle was the only place that particular type of coral could be found, mining for it went a bit far. Now, the fad having long passed, Sharkhead Island holds the honor of being the only island in the world to have most of its surface actually measure BELOW sea level.

* "You put your right foot in... you take your right foot out..." "Oh gawd... I don't want to know what he does for the Hokey Pokey part..."

* "Okay inmate... like I said... I'll pretend to be the boat tour captain... you make the motor boat sounds..."

* "I don't care how far under the damned floor it is... you're not leaving until you GET MY DONUT BACK!"

* "Ah, Simmons... good to see you... could you reach into that locker right there and hand me that paddle?"

* "Okay, now that you're in position I'm gonna let loose... hey! Wait a second! Pull down that kerchief! It's not a real Gas Chamber punishment if your mouth is covered!"

* "Sarge... I really don't feel like playing... oh fine... okay... it's a phrase... seven words... 3rd word... one syllable... Crawl... Abuse... Pony? oh, horse! alright... Horse... 4th word... one syllable..."

* "Ummm.. whaddya mean 'no...face the other way'?"

Pretty much ALL of them since I am in the process of creating a complete Parody album of City of Heroes songs...

... and this time I'm actually going to sing them... post them on line... then "release" the album in the forums with the links...

So yes... every song makes me think of City of Heroes these days.

I was thinking today that all we ever see is the finished product when it comes to the various street gangs and factions of bad guys in CoH. But no matter how well-trained they eventually become, there had to be a starting point. They had to be convinced to join and then they had to be taught.

Here are some quotes from those dauntless trainers and recruiters:

Hellions Trainer: “No, I’m sorry… you won’t get your own Hellions’ Girlfriend… one is assigned for every five Hellions… don’t let it get you down… our requirements for their position are pretty low… the average H.G. can’t tell us apart anyway so expecting monogamy is a lost cause…”

Nemesis Trainer: “Okay… the first thing you need to know is ONLY pay attention to your own instructions… you see this 10,000 page manuscript? Only two of these pages will have to do with your personal involvement in the Nemesis Plot… No, it’s not against the rules to read the whole thing but your health plan doesn’t include free Migraine medication for nothing…”

Malta Recruiter: “Yes, we do hire Sappers… I don’t see what difference it makes if you received your training in Vermont… wait… what’s this about Maple Syrup?”

Freakshow Recruiter: “Yeah… all us Freaks get tricked out in heavy metal armaments… and all it’ll cost ya is an arm and a leg… ha ha… no… seriously.”

Skulls Recruiter: “As part of your initiation, you will be expected to dig up a grave, remove the skull of its inhabitant and wear it as a mask… why don’t we just use the skull of one of our live victims as our mask? Dude… that’s just sick…”

Tsoo Recruiter: “What do you mean you’re scared of needles?”

Nemesis Trainer: “Oh, one other thing for those of you chosen as War Hulk operators… anyone caught ‘peeing in the pool’ will be immediately terminated.”

Carnival of Shadows Trainer: “Oh, you silly man… you don’t have to be good looking to be one of our Strongmen… do you honestly think the ladies of the Carnival are so shallow as to judge worthiness on appearance? Now, welcome to the Carnival of Shadows and here’s your bucket.”

Carnival of Shadows Trainer: “Maria, you will be one of our Illusionists… You wanted to be a Ring Mistress? Well dear… I didn’t want to say anything… but you’re a little hippy…”

Knives of Artemis Recruiter: “You want to join the Knives? But you’re a man… actually, wait just a moment… that shouldn’t be a problem… I’ve got a knife right here and five minutes in the back room can remove whatever objections I have about your joining us…”

Nemesis Trainer: “For the last time, Wallace… you CAN’T ‘just wing it’…”

Arachnos Recruiter: “We have a number of possible career paths for you… now if you could answer a few simple questions we will be better able to place you… first… are you interested in bondage or fetish clothing? No? Okay, are you now or have you ever been a contortionist?”

Luddite Recruiter: “What do you mean you sent me your resume as an e-mail attachment?”

Arachnos Recruiter: “Arachnophobic…. Seriously?”

Scrapyarder: “Okay… you have great references and your skill base looks solid… now it’s time for the psychological profile… actually, it’s pretty simple… just one question… would you consider yourself ‘enraged’?”

Family Recruiter: “Awright let’s take a look at yer genealogy chart… yer mother’s grandmother’s sister’s husband’s daughter’s son’s son was my father… hmmm… let’s see… carry the two… Yep… yer related… Welcome ta the Family…”

Council Recruiter: “Join the Council! You’ll get the best possible equipment! You doubt me? Just look at the quality of this box I’m standing on!”

Council Recruiter: “And as a member of the Council you’ll never have to worry about enemies because we look out for our own… AAGGH!! 5th Column! RUN!”

Infected Trainer: “Here… drink this Kool-Aid…”

Snakes Trainer: “You’re going to feel a little pinch…”

Nemesis Trainer: “For those of you who will be manning the Fake Nemesis suits please be aware that you will monitored at all times… parodies of Nemesis while wearing the suit will be dealt with appropriately…”

Crey Trainer: “One final rule before we begin your basic warrior training… if I hear one… and I mean ONE… sentence from your mouths beginning with the words ‘I’m a Doctor not a…’ I will personally write your name down on the Guinea Pig list…”

Council Recruiter: “I deny the rumor that the Council is behind the times! We’re hip! For those of you who like Edward you can be Vampyri and for you Jacob lovers we’ve got War Wolves!”

Vahzilok Recruiter: “To be honest we really don’t need ALL of you… Well, yes… I guess you could refer to it as Part Time work…”

Vahzilok Trainer: “Now, for you Embalmed we’ve installed your detonation device as a suppository… So when you’re ready to initiate explosion… just SQUEEEEEEZE real hard…”

I'll give 'er a shot... or several...

* Vomiting Guy in Pocket D: "I don't remember eating that..."

* Desperate Guy in Pocket D: "Your PUG or mine?"

* DJ Zero: Occassionally I'd like his floating self to fuzz around the edges with static... flicker... then be replaced with a "404 Error: File not Found"

* Hellion: "Screw purses! I'm taking up a new vocation entirely! I'm goin' after wallets!"

* (and then...) Hellion: "Dude, I was NOT copping a feel! I was tryin' to steal your wallet... seriously! Man, I don't swing that way!"

* Vahzilok Embalmed: (singing) "Everything you say to me... takes me one step closer to the edge... and I'm about to break!"

* Miss Liberty: "Costume contest in 10 minutes.... heh... just kidding."

* Random Pedestrian: "Did you hear about $heroname? I heard they waited three hours at a bus stop yesterday."

* Banished Pantheon Shaman: (Singing) "Sweet home, Dark Astoria... where the skies are so grey... Sweet home, Dark Astoria... everywhere should be that way..."

* Carnival of Shadows Illusionist: "Does this dress make my butt look big?"

* Carnival of Shadows(any): "Thank god for this mask... killer zit... I'm SO serious..."

* Nemesis Soldier: "Wait... who were you again... was I supposed to trick you into arresting that Crey scientist over there or run away and lead you into the sewers? Dang it... can you give me a minute to consult my notes?"

* Nemesis Warhulk: "I'm forever blowing bubbles..."

* Tarantula Mistress: "Cramp! AAAHHH! CRAMP!"

* Positron: "What do you mean Robert Downey Jr won't play me? Conflict of interests? Oh, come on!"

* Montague Castanella: "You know what? Screw Percy."

* Gordon Bower: "Yeah, we have a few problems here in Croatoa that interfere with our tourism... but hey... at least we're not the Gulf of Mexico."

I am an NFL fan... GO PATS!... and I have noticed in the past years the growing trend of advertising being part of every little aspect of the broadcast... "This Instant Replay has been brought to you by Xerox! by Xerox... by Xerox...."

So I was thinking about how this could be incorporated into our beloved CoH in an effort to bring in more revenue... here are a few ideas I had...

* This Black Blood of the Earth has been brought to you by BP.

* Citadel... Intel Inside.

* Congratulations on your level ding! If you liked that rush of the multi-inspiration hit then you'll LOVE 5 Hour Energy!

* I see you selected Fly as a travel power... Did you know Red Bull can give you wings too?

* The Synapse Task Force has been brought to you by Nike. Just Do It.

* You have found a Computer Virus! Time to get Norton Anti-Virus!

* The Timex Chronal Skip... It takes a licking and keeps on skipping.

* Introducing the new Lincoln Continental Golden Roller.

* Arachnos wardrobe provided by Hot Topic.

* You have found an Ancient Bone... Speaking of which, don't you think Grandpa would appreciate a prescription for Viagra?

* Your character found a Diamond... and YOU can find one too... at Jared's!

* This Carnival of Shadows radio mission has been brought to you by the New Orleans travel and tourism commission... join us for Mardi Gras!

* This Hami Raid has been sponsored by Jell-O brand gelatin... there's always room for Hamidon... er... Jell-O...

* You have placed your Human Blood Sample in Wentworths... Could you find it your heart to donate blood it to the Red Cross?

* This Inert Gas has been brought to you Pepto Bismol.

* You have chosen Natural Origin for your character... please follow this link to get your FREE month's trial membership to Gold's Gym!

* Hi, my name is Foreshadow and I will train you up in a moment... but first... when it comes to planning MY financial future... I always choose Fidelity Investments.

* Hi, I'm Mynx... did you know that millions of unwanted cats and dogs are let loose on the streets of America every year? Please, have your pets spayed or neutered...

* Congratulations on earning your Trailblazer badge! If you'd been in the Boy Scouts of America you'd have made Eagle Scout by now!

* You have earned the Undying badge... Seriously, with your track record shouldn't you consider AllState?

* This Nemesis plot has been brought to you by Borders Books.

So, like most of you, I am excited about the upcoming Going Rogue expansion... already pre-ordered it all shiny and everything... dusted off a shelf in my harddrive for it too...

One of the things I am looking forward to the most is being able to have Villain ATs Hero side and Hero ATs Villain side... But this got me thinking...

We know we will be able to take existing characters and alignment switch them via a process which the developers have estimated as taking a week for the "casual player." But, what about brand new characters?

So, my question is this... what is your expectation/wish?

Do you want...

1) Only heroes available at character creation blue-side, only villains selectable red-side and BOTH selectable if you start out in Praetoria... and once those characters finish with Praetorian content they can go to either Paragon or the Rogue Isles...

2) As one above, but travel to and from Primal Earth can basically happen at whatever level you want, so you can create a starting villain AT in Praetoria and zip over to Paragon City for a few radio missions for lunch before zooming back to Praetoria to slam some contact mish's all before reaching 8th level.

or...

3) ALL ATs are available for ANY starting point (Rogue, Paragon or Praetoria) but once you select either Blue or Red side your alignment is locked in until you complete the alignment change requirements.

Personally, I would prefer the third option. I want to create a heroic MasterMind without having them first have to "realize the error of their ways" or be a Praetorian with a trans-dimensional Work Visa. I don't mind being locked into a zone until I reach a minimum level, but I want maximum fluidity when creating my characters.

How about the rest of you? What are your expectations and/or hopes for this system?

Yep... pressed that da**ed thing 24 years ago...

Note To Self: No matter how much you try... holding down the right button and moving the mouse will NOT allow you to see more of the cityscape in teaser pics...

Recluse: Aahhhh... Coach Doomed... I mean Coach Simpson... so glad to see you have returned to us safely... I trust your flight has not left you too terribly jet-lagged?

Coach(very nervously): no... er... not at all Lord Recluse... please let me thank you from the bottom of my heart for sending your own personal jet to ... to bring me back so quickly...

Recluse: Say no more of it, Coach Simpson... I have ... HUNGERED... to speak to you ever since our first game in the World Cup... now... if you don't mind... I must ask you to put aside your personal comfort just long enough for me to ask you a few simple questions...

Coach: Of course, my Lord Recluse... I am at your immediate disposal...

Recluse: (murmured) interesting choice of words that... In any case... I wish to clarify the understanding that you and I had when I first assigned you this task... I believe I told you that ALL the resources of the Rogue Isles and Arachnos were yours to use as you saw fit... is that your recollection as well?

Coach: Yes, my Lord.

Recluse: Excellent... Capital! Now, for your on-field players you could have chosen from our Bane Spiders whose skills in invisibility and stealth would have made them exceptional at ball stealing and surprise maneuvers... or you may have chosen from our many Tarantula prototypes... I would imagine that in soccer six legs would far out advantage two... but you, Coach Simpleton... sorry... Coach Simpson... instead chose....?

Coach: Wolf Spider soldiers, Lord Recluse.

Recluse: Of course... Let us shelve that matter for the moment... On the matter of our team Goalie... I would imagine one's first thought would have been one of our elite Crab Soldiers... I know from personal experience that the additional appendages mounted from their shoulders can prove highly advantageous when attempting to intercept incoming projectiles... not to mention the intimidation factor against those trying to make the shot... however, it is my understanding Coach, that you chose instead....?

Coach: A Wolf Spider soldier, Lord Recluse.

Recluse: I have to admit, Coach Simp.... .... son.... that I know very little about soccer's strategies and the like... but even one as ill-versed as myself might see the advantage of employing one or more of our Fortunata seers as my coaching staff... certainly their ability to see the future and read the unguarded thoughts of others would have been of great strategic aid during the game... so you can imagine my surprise when I found you had instead hired...

Coach: A Wolf Spider soldier, Lord Recluse.

Recluse: So, how can you explain your choices in these matters to me, Coach? I sent you with the expectation that we would win the World Cup... you return to me not even won a single game.

Coach: Actually sir, we managed to tie twice which in soccer World Cup rules means...

Recluse: I am only concerned with winning, Coach Six Feet Under... Now, explain to me why you opted not to use our most genetically perfected and technologically advanced soldiers. Why did you exclusively choose our common foot soldiers? Was I not 100% clear on the importance of bringing home a victory against the rest of the world? Were you mind wiped by an over-enthusiastic consorting with a Carnival of Shadows floozy? Were you, Coach, the victim of a Nemesis Plot?

Coach: Well, Lord Recluse... I... I thought about choosing those others... but after I considered it... well... it just.... it just didn't seem very fair to me.

Recluse(after a long pause): It didn't seem very fair to you.

Coach: Yes, sir.

Recluse: You are aware that in addition to being called the Rogue Isles, we are also known as the City of Villains, correct Coach?

Coach: Yes, sir.

Recluse: And this didn't influence your views of "fairness" in any significant way?

Coach: I'm sorry sir... I... I suppose it should have... (sniffles) I guess that means you're going to kill me now...

Recluse: Good gracious no! This was all a silly misunderstanding, Coach! I'm sure you'll be much more "liberal minded" next year... I'm sure this is at least partially my fault in any case for not fully explaining my expectations...

Coach: Thank you sir! Oh thank you so much!

Recluse: No need, no need, Coach. Oh, that reminds me... before you go to your rooms to recover from your flight home... there was one other person who wanted to speak with you...

(The door opens... in walks Captain Mako... One hand is completely encased in a large black and red foam finger... he is wearing a tee shirt proclaiming "The Rogue Islands' Spiders... 2010 World Cup Champions!"... a baseball cap bearing the same words is held to his head via a rubberband and staples... his expression is dominated by a truly horrifying rage-tinged frown...)

Recluse: ...he was just SO disappointed in the team's performance... apparently had an entire month's paycheck riding on the results... Now if you'll excuse me... I must leave you two alone... I've always considered myself more of a scientist and sports discussions always leave me just a bit abstracted...

(Lord Recluse closes the door behind him and pauses to listen as muffled pleading turns to screams of agony... he chuckles and begins to walk down the corridor...)

Recluse: ... there's always the next Olympics, I suppose...

I heard tell 'bout some heroes bein' all long-lived an' the like an' how some people'r gettin' their tights in a twist 'bout im's an' mortals gettin' t'gether. Well, I ain't got a 'pinion 'bout that.

My gran-pappy was 72 years old an' he got 'imself one o' those mail order brides from way out yonder Asia-ways. I swear that young thang took purt near twenny years offa him in less than a week.

Any-who, that ain't what I'm here to jaw 'bout.

You city-slickified heroes up there in Par-ee-gon City ain't just human, y'all got robots an' aliens an' dead things wot get up 'n walk 'round. An' their all datin'! I tell ya, nuthin' turns my stomach quicker than to see some pretty human gal hookin' up with somethin' that'd wouldn' look outta place in a high school science lab petri dish.

I got riled up one day not too long ago. Saw one o' them there sen-shent robots walkin' down the street holdin' hands with a pretty young thang. I grabbed her by the arm and demanded to know what in the low-tarnation she thought she was doin'.

"What's he got that a human guy ain't?" I yelled.

"Attachments and upgrades," she says.

I tell ya, it's disgustin'. But I guess I can at least unnerstand hookin' up with a 'bot. I mean, if they got some kinda habit y'all can't stand at least you can reprogram them. The ones that really make my dander go from hover to fly is them there aliens. You know those public pools? The ones the kids all use as their personal toilets when they's swimmin'? Picture that without the chlorine... That's the human gene pool right now. Humans matin' with aliens is like someone pouring a pick up truckload of instant pudding mix into the pool.

It just ain't right, folks.

I went on the internet an' looked at some pictures of human/alien umm... "relations".... jus' fer research purposes o' course... an' it was plain-grade-A deeeesgustin'. They don't even mostly got the same plumbin' we do. I'm sorry, but any time you gotta hire a engineerin' consultant 'fore makin' whoopy with yer lover, you jus' might as well stop 'fore ya start.

There was one fellah I talked to what had jus' started walkin' out with this here shape-shiftin' alien girl. He was all proud an' excited 'bout the possibilities.

"I can be with any woman in the world now," he says, "and never cheat on her!"

"That's right fine 'nuff," I replies. "Least til your alien 'cides it might wanna try out bein' the man in the wrestlin' match a time or two."

When I left him he was a might on the round-eyed side.

But even the "explorers o' other worlds" aren't the worst of the lot. Nah, the basest, most horrible o' 'em all has got to be them nekid-feel-ee-acks. Now, I have already been quoted as statin' I ain't got a problem with youngers an' olders gettin' together to explore each other's generation gap, but fer the love o' Pete at least make sure the older one's heart's still beatin'!

I blame the Vampires on this one; both the sparklin' an' non-sparklin' varieties.

I suppose it makes sense in a way. Most women I've ever met would drive a man to his grave... I guess this is just their way o' cuttin' out the middle man.

So's I figger I'll jus' keep to my own kind. Human women may have their issues (dear lord ain't they?) but least they're human. Then I get a gander o' one o' them there Rikti Billboards...

They could be anyone.

Ah hell... Maybe I'll get me one o' them there female-type robots instead...

... one with big attachments.