Training and Recruiting the New Guys

I was thinking today that all we ever see is the finished product when it comes to the various street gangs and factions of bad guys in CoH. But no matter how well-trained they eventually become, there had to be a starting point. They had to be convinced to join and then they had to be taught.

Here are some quotes from those dauntless trainers and recruiters:

Hellions Trainer: “No, I’m sorry… you won’t get your own Hellions’ Girlfriend… one is assigned for every five Hellions… don’t let it get you down… our requirements for their position are pretty low… the average H.G. can’t tell us apart anyway so expecting monogamy is a lost cause…”

Nemesis Trainer: “Okay… the first thing you need to know is ONLY pay attention to your own instructions… you see this 10,000 page manuscript? Only two of these pages will have to do with your personal involvement in the Nemesis Plot… No, it’s not against the rules to read the whole thing but your health plan doesn’t include free Migraine medication for nothing…”

Malta Recruiter: “Yes, we do hire Sappers… I don’t see what difference it makes if you received your training in Vermont… wait… what’s this about Maple Syrup?”

Freakshow Recruiter: “Yeah… all us Freaks get tricked out in heavy metal armaments… and all it’ll cost ya is an arm and a leg… ha ha… no… seriously.”

Skulls Recruiter: “As part of your initiation, you will be expected to dig up a grave, remove the skull of its inhabitant and wear it as a mask… why don’t we just use the skull of one of our live victims as our mask? Dude… that’s just sick…”

Tsoo Recruiter: “What do you mean you’re scared of needles?”

Nemesis Trainer: “Oh, one other thing for those of you chosen as War Hulk operators… anyone caught ‘peeing in the pool’ will be immediately terminated.”

Carnival of Shadows Trainer: “Oh, you silly man… you don’t have to be good looking to be one of our Strongmen… do you honestly think the ladies of the Carnival are so shallow as to judge worthiness on appearance? Now, welcome to the Carnival of Shadows and here’s your bucket.”

Carnival of Shadows Trainer: “Maria, you will be one of our Illusionists… You wanted to be a Ring Mistress? Well dear… I didn’t want to say anything… but you’re a little hippy…”

Knives of Artemis Recruiter: “You want to join the Knives? But you’re a man… actually, wait just a moment… that shouldn’t be a problem… I’ve got a knife right here and five minutes in the back room can remove whatever objections I have about your joining us…”

Nemesis Trainer: “For the last time, Wallace… you CAN’T ‘just wing it’…”

Arachnos Recruiter: “We have a number of possible career paths for you… now if you could answer a few simple questions we will be better able to place you… first… are you interested in bondage or fetish clothing? No? Okay, are you now or have you ever been a contortionist?”

Luddite Recruiter: “What do you mean you sent me your resume as an e-mail attachment?”

Arachnos Recruiter: “Arachnophobic…. Seriously?”

Scrapyarder: “Okay… you have great references and your skill base looks solid… now it’s time for the psychological profile… actually, it’s pretty simple… just one question… would you consider yourself ‘enraged’?”

Family Recruiter: “Awright let’s take a look at yer genealogy chart… yer mother’s grandmother’s sister’s husband’s daughter’s son’s son was my father… hmmm… let’s see… carry the two… Yep… yer related… Welcome ta the Family…”

Council Recruiter: “Join the Council! You’ll get the best possible equipment! You doubt me? Just look at the quality of this box I’m standing on!”

Council Recruiter: “And as a member of the Council you’ll never have to worry about enemies because we look out for our own… AAGGH!! 5th Column! RUN!”

Infected Trainer: “Here… drink this Kool-Aid…”

Snakes Trainer: “You’re going to feel a little pinch…”

Nemesis Trainer: “For those of you who will be manning the Fake Nemesis suits please be aware that you will monitored at all times… parodies of Nemesis while wearing the suit will be dealt with appropriately…”

Crey Trainer: “One final rule before we begin your basic warrior training… if I hear one… and I mean ONE… sentence from your mouths beginning with the words ‘I’m a Doctor not a…’ I will personally write your name down on the Guinea Pig list…”

Council Recruiter: “I deny the rumor that the Council is behind the times! We’re hip! For those of you who like Edward you can be Vampyri and for you Jacob lovers we’ve got War Wolves!”

Vahzilok Recruiter: “To be honest we really don’t need ALL of you… Well, yes… I guess you could refer to it as Part Time work…”

Vahzilok Trainer: “Now, for you Embalmed we’ve installed your detonation device as a suppository… So when you’re ready to initiate explosion… just SQUEEEEEEZE real hard…”

Fun list! Nice work on it. two quick comments though:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steelclaw Nemesis Trainer: “Oh, one other thing for those of you chosen as War Hulk operators anyone caught ‘peeing in the pool’ will be immediately terminated.”

I thought war hulk operators are dead, or was that just the one?

Quote:

Carnival of Shadows Trainer: “Oh, you silly man you don’t have to be good looking to be one of our Strongmen do you honestly think the ladies of the Carnival are so shallow as to judge worthiness on appearance? Now, welcome to the Carnival of Shadows and here’s your bucket.”

Err... spoilers hidden on this page, but there's a story arc in here that point-blank indicates this is not how it works. Strongmen are not "trained" they are not recruited, and they are never "rookies" (in the usual sense). This joke works just as well with the women, since they all cover their faces too.

The Vahzilok ones made me lol :-)

Cabal Trainer: Are you female? From Salamanca? You could have a future as a True Witch!

Ooo, just thought of one;

Rikti Trainer: Name Choice: Invalid. Confirmation: Sq'aull Li'onhea'rt: Not valid! Exclamation: Weapon Definition: Not a Gunblade!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zwillinger GG, I would tell you that "I am killing you with my mind", but I couldn't find an emoticon to properly express my sentiment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captain_Photon NOTE: The Incarnate System is basically farming for IOs on a larger scale, and with more obtrusive lore.

Great stuff here, a couple of my favorites are;

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steelclaw Malta Recruiter: “Yes, we do hire Sappers I don’t see what difference it makes if you received your training in Vermont wait what’s this about Maple Syrup?”

LOL oh lord XD

Quote:

Luddite Recruiter: “What do you mean you sent me your resume as an e-mail attachment?”

This one made me literally laugh out loud.

Quote:

Council Recruiter: “Join the Council! You’ll get the best possible equipment! You doubt me? Just look at the quality of this box I’m standing on!”

As Fleeting Whisper said, it's a damn fine box!

Primantiss...your avatar is mesmerizing.