Here is why I play CoX.

Seriously. I might as well pour out my heart.

Stop reading when you hit the point where this makes no sense at all. I know, I know: I need professional help. Badly. However, I am reasonably sure this will make a lot of sense to a lot of us. If you can identify with any of these feelings, or with any of this, let me know. I need someone to talk to, and you guys are my last hope. I have delayed this thread long enough.

I was born into a middle class family. Nothing special. My parents were standard, my brother was an *** (standard), and we had a nice house in the suburbs somewhere.

I played my first video game, Jak II, at the age of 7.

That game changed me.

The first thing I noticed was Kor - the old guy in the background. He was evil. I could tell. I didn't tell anyone, though. My dad was actually the one playing the game, but I watched every chance I could, just to see Kor lie and deceive his way through the game.

He dropped his disguise near the end of the game. Turns out he was really the Metal-Head leader - a huge insectoid beast that made some rather inventive threats and killed a whole bunch of people. I was enthralled. I was in love.

Not with the character. With the power.

This is when I first started drawing. I drew Kor a lot, mostly people though. Mostly men. Years passed, and my taste in games evolved... but I never forgot the look of elation on his face as he gleefully murdered bystanders.

At this point, I am about 10 years old. I find my next villain of sorts... The G-man.

Another man, this one middle aged. Invincible, immortal, can jump though and manipulate time and space.

Again, I was in love. With the power.

I wanted to be powerful.

At the age of 12, I found The Joker.

This was The Dark Knight's Joker, by the way. TDK's Joker was more of an oddly dressed serial killer than the Clown Prince of Crime, but it didn't matter to me. This was, again, someone I actually empathized with. I could see his motives, and I could understand why he did things. Here was a man who was completely without emotion, so devoid of feeling he could actually take pleasure from the pain of others.

I wanted to be like him.

And so my life evolved from the ignorance of a small child to the remarkably mature and very devious power hungry sociopath that is me today. I never really cared much for human interaction, and my attraction and understanding of both classic and little known villains drove home the point. Normal people bore me, and other intellectuals (I use the term generally. I am not assuming much with my intelligence here) strike me as facades hiding their emotions behind them. I hated people. I considered them as means to an end - and my preferred end would be power.

Ganondorf is another example. Ruthless, powerful, cunning.

More recently? Master Xehanort. Also powerful, even darker than the others.

Dexter. He is a serial killer, and I take his side in his arguments.

Hell, I took the side of the machines in The Matrix.

My life has been very confusing for me. I feel like I am insane - I mean, I must be. However, I don't think normal insane people are so aware of their own position. I'm not sure what I am, to be honest.

Again, here is the person that would get pleasure from tutorial-camping with a twink in WAR. I still feel the rush today... the small burst of adrenaline from a kill in any online game. The joy of knowing someone else is being discouraged.

Bringing this full circle, this is why I play CoX.

I want power.

All I want is to feel powerful, because all I feel is trapped. I'm trapped in this stupid reality full of people I hate - and there is nothing I can do about it. My life will be typical, I assume, and I am predicting years of the same. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but I assume the consistent lust for murder isn't.

City gave me power.

City gave me a release.

I could be strong here, stronger than any other character of my creation. I got my first 50 about three years ago, back when I was about 13, and have since then gotten over 20 more... but my favorite will always be Omi.

Oh, Lord Omi. If only he knew.

He is the amalgam of every single thing I wish to be. (Besides, you know, male.) A Warshade that I have spent over 2,100 hours on alone. A strong, dark, powerful figure of mystery yet vague intentions. An immortal legend, a demon from hell, a god from heaven, or even a man with my same mad designs of power. I made him to serve my purpose of a functional release of my otherwise dark and rather scary thoughts, and since then I have enjoyed life more... all because I could go home nightly and rampage through the streets, murdering everyone in my way. Here in City I felt truly powerful, and I felt at home.

I doubt I'm the first person to fantasize about mass murder rather than the usual things.

In fact, I'm willing to bet that we all have the same fantasy.

You're in the city. Doesn't matter which. And you have powers. You have the same powers your main does, plus a bit. You look just like you want to be - which, I'm also guessing, is like your main. And so you're in the city, surrounded by people, and you have powers.

And you systematically and repeatedly destroy it all. Different ways every time. This fantasy has played out countless times, and usually to music. In fact, that's why you like a few of your songs: the beat syncs with your animations.

And so you destroy and you rampage and the finale of it all ends with one final cataclysmic attack that fades out with the last few beats of the music, and you know deep down that your only wish would be to have those powers.

I feel like those of you who love this game love it for the same reason.

Not because they are probably going to be a serial killer... but because they need an escape. I am escaping from my own insanity.

What are you escaping from?

Wow.

Just... wow.

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To answer the question... I'm not escaping. I'm either channeling irritation at the days events through the fists of Thing of Bigness, or I'm leveling up my only Blaster, Chillsea, because I want to.

Simple as that these days. Just enjoying the game. I'm not escaping using it. Never did. Just wanted to play act the characters in my head, and enjoy others playing it with me.

Thank you for this, though. It is an interesting aspect of why some play, and I know you are right, in that some do use it as a therapy of sorts. I hope you find another outlet, whether it's a game or something else, like painting, writing, fencing... professional building implosion...

Mike

I've enjoyed games for as long as I can remember. I learned chess when I was 6 and bridge at 14. 14 was my age when my then best friend in high school introduced me to Empire of the Petal Throne, D&D, miniatures, SPI and Avalon Hill board games and the gaming club at the local college (who happily put up with us high school kids.) During my high school years (mid 1970s) my friends and I gamed and hung out at the hobby store (they ran tournaments for us) and as the network of gaming friends increased, I found myself involved in the Society for Creative Anachronism and local science fiction fandom. I gamed from my teens to late 30s (with a few years off). Circumstances were such that I went from tabletop gaming into LARP (live action role playing.) I'd still enjoy tabletop pen&paper&dice gaming if my friends were still into it, and I'd still enjoy LARP if my health were better. (I became disabled about 7 years ago.) One of my gaming friends, a registered nurse, suggest I try online gaming since LARP was no longer possible and tabletop gaming fun mostly not happening. Another friend, an old gaming buddy invited me to his place to check out City of Heroes. It was love at first sight! We had a blast designing my first character's costumer (still on his account) while he explained the basics of the game to me. Shortly thereafter I had my own account and created characters and a sgbase based on old characters we'd played long ago (hence why I'm @kristoff von gelmini.) I'd solo all I could during the day (being disabled I have a LOT of time. The quality of that time however... ); when he got home from work he'd log in and we'd adventure! After he went to bed, often I'd stay up and get in on PUG AE missions or just go back to soloing before bed.

I found online gaming and CoH to be able to entertain me and hold my attention as well or better than good movie. Meaning, good/effective distraction from chronic pain. On really bad health days, when even solo play is difficult for me, I could amuse myself by designing SG bases and/or costumes and/or start yet another character, since the low level content was fun and not as demanding of speed and reflexes as higher level content.

I met really nice players in CoH almost since day one. Having played so many fantasy characters in tabletop and LARP, it was refreshing to play superheroes, a genre I enjoyed, but the folks I gamed with, we rarely did Champions. I'd avidly read comicbooks as a kid, especially Marvel and DC, so had great nostalgia realized when developing my own superheroes that might in some theoretical universe stand beside Superman and Green Lantern, Doctor Strange and the Valkyre, etc.

After about six months in CoH, I started playing more actively on different servers, to see if there were differences. There were! I went from playing mostly on Infinity to Virtue then Justice then Victory, joining the SG's my CoH friends were in, with a ton of alts still scattered across most of the NA servers. I'd play whichever server and character I wanted but usually elected (when physically able) to team up for SG events, whether it was a high level TF or for us all to create new themed toons etc.

I play CoH because it's fun and I like it. Because there are (or were) lots of good/fun/helpful players. Because the artwork appealed to me. Because like other forms of gaming it's a creative outlet, and LOL yeah, at times "beating up pixels" seemed like exactly the right thing to do.

Hoping COH is saved, and always Stay SUPER!!

To clarify, all I really want is to be stronger than the people that have dragged me down. My parents fight a lot, to be honest, and they take it out on me.

My parents call me worthless. Useless. So do other people. My family, and what feels like the world, doesn't bother to understand. All they see is some messed up kid who plays video games.

I'm tired of being called out for being different.

I want to show the world how different I can be.

I want to be super. I want to do things, to be a hero, to show the world that I am special and I am not like everyone else. I want to be someone, do something, be so strong that every other person will finally want to be like me.

I guess I'm just tired of being on the bottom, especially when my mind is so far ahead.

-----------------------

Also, yes. I have tried professional help. Ironically, it doesn't actually help. I've never told anyone any of this before, to be honest. I need people to vent to, and keeping all of this to myself for so long made me a bit desperate.

No, I am not in danger of hurting myself or others.

Thanks for reading, guys. I guess this community is the closest thing I have to people who will listen - really, truly listen - and it feels great to get this off my chest.

Thank you all for these three years of actual happiness. I don't get to experience it often, and I am so damn proud to be a part of all of this.

I figured she was just being sixteen years old. It's a little harder to diagnose someone's long term stability when they are still in the 'walking hormone imbalace' stage of development.

I play this game for four main reasons:

1) The character customization is the best of any game I've ever played
2) The player base is mostly comprised of genuinely nice people that don't freak out when something goes wrong in-game
3) I like the lore
4) The gameplay's fun


And to the OP, I'll second Houtex's suggestion: Get something positive going in your life; have you tried a sport or musical instrument? Either become engaged with something you're good at, or try something you'd -like- to be good at and then practice until you are (just remember there are no training montages in real life, practice takes effort and time)! Again, I'll second Houtex's suggestion of checking out fencing; it's a great sport that involves speed, precision, and strategy.

Also, don't think of people as superior/inferior. Everyone has their flaws and virtues, their own triumphs and challenges, so don't be quick to judge others (or yourself!). Just try to do right by others and remember that most folks aren't so bad when you give 'em a chance.

On a side note, Jak 2 is an excellent game and I heartily recommend it to anyone that owns a PS2 (Jak 3 and Jak X Racing are also both very good, as is Daxter for the PSP... haven't played the 4th one yet so can't judge).

I played this game because I like superheroes and I wanted to make my own.

I play for moving hair.

You've actually gotten some good advice here and I believe JKedan and AC are correct.

You said yourself that 1) you don't think these issues will go away over time. Let me tell you, very few (if any) 16 year olds think that their problems will go away over time. It's part of what makes us what we are during those years.

And, you said that you don't think your problems are normal problems for a 16 year old (paraphrasing here; don't sue me!)... Again, no 16 year old thinks that their problems are normal... and, again, the others are right in that there is no normal (lookit me!).

None of this is to say that you should simply dismiss these issues... that's how issues never go away.

Sounds like you have some pretty lousy experiences with some important people in your life (honestly, it's a very lucky person that doesn't have some person/people that'll leave them with deep psychological scars in their years of development, sadly).
The key is to rise above it... not by developing super powers and destroying the world, but by finding the true ideals that would make you happy and focusing on that and slowly, diligently blazing the trail towards being that person.
It does not have to be big... being a nice person that manages the corner store is a wonderful thing to be if that makes you happy. You just have to find your happiness (beyond our happiness in other people's created pastimes).

I am biased, but I'll suggest searching for creative avenues to see if there's anything that really appeals to you.
Even if such things do not become your main focus, they can absolutely help you to clear your head and start building your head the way you believe will be more satisfactory and healthy.

Whether it is writing, drawing, painting, carving, music, wicker-basket-ing... explore, pursue, try-out.
Maybe try writing out ideas for a video game. You never know. And you are truly at such a great age... you have so much time to build your skills and experiences.

Do not get caught up in believing that the bad times are permanent. That is how we make that grim premonition true.

You are what you make out of yourself. Don't believe that you are limited to anything that you don't want to be limited to. Figure out how to not be what you don't want to be... and enjoy it.