Here is why I play CoX.
By
Angry_Citizen,
Posted on: 2012-11-13 20:08 in CoH and CoV General Discussions
Quote:
Nicely put, EK. |
Originally Posted by Electric-Knight
You've actually gotten some good advice here and I believe JKedan and AC are correct.
You said yourself that 1) you don't think these issues will go away over time. Let me tell you, very few (if any) 16 year olds think that their problems will go away over time. It's part of what makes us what we are during those years. And, you said that you don't think your problems are normal problems for a 16 year old (paraphrasing here; don't sue me!)... Again, no 16 year old thinks that their problems are normal... and, again, the others are right in that there is no normal (lookit me!).  None of this is to say that you should simply dismiss these issues... that's how issues never go away. Sounds like you have some pretty lousy experiences with some important people in your life (honestly, it's a very lucky person that doesn't have some person/people that'll leave them with deep psychological scars in their years of development, sadly). The key is to rise above it... not by developing super powers and destroying the world, but by finding the true ideals that would make you happy and focusing on that and slowly, diligently blazing the trail towards being that person. It does not have to be big... being a nice person that manages the corner store is a wonderful thing to be if that makes you happy. You just have to find your happiness (beyond our happiness in other people's created pastimes). I am biased, but I'll suggest searching for creative avenues to see if there's anything that really appeals to you. Even if such things do not become your main focus, they can absolutely help you to clear your head and start building your head the way you believe will be more satisfactory and healthy.  Whether it is writing, drawing, painting, carving, music, wicker-basket-ing... explore, pursue, try-out. Maybe try writing out ideas for a video game. You never know. And you are truly at such a great age... you have so much time to build your skills and experiences. Do not get caught up in believing that the bad times are permanent. That is how we make that grim premonition true. You are what you make out of yourself. Don't believe that you are limited to anything that you don't want to be limited to. Figure out how to not be what you don't want to be... and enjoy it. |
And just so you know,GR, I have spoken with Lord Omi in-game a few times and have always found him very nice ... for an earth shattering demon.
Quote:
I hope I never cross your path in real life; ever. Get help soon.
|
Originally Posted by GreatRock
Seriously. I might as well pour out my heart.
Stop reading when you hit the point where this makes no sense at all. I know, I know: I need professional help. Badly. However, I am reasonably sure this will make a lot of sense to a lot of us. If you can identify with any of these feelings, or with any of this, let me know. I need someone to talk to, and you guys are my last hope. I have delayed this thread long enough. I was born into a middle class family. Nothing special. My parents were standard, my brother was an *** (standard), and we had a nice house in the suburbs somewhere. I played my first video game, Jak II, at the age of 7. That game changed me. The first thing I noticed was Kor - the old guy in the background. He was evil. I could tell. I didn't tell anyone, though. My dad was actually the one playing the game, but I watched every chance I could, just to see Kor lie and deceive his way through the game. He dropped his disguise near the end of the game. Turns out he was really the Metal-Head leader - a huge insectoid beast that made some rather inventive threats and killed a whole bunch of people. I was enthralled. I was in love. Not with the character. With the power. This is when I first started drawing. I drew Kor a lot, mostly people though. Mostly men. Years passed, and my taste in games evolved... but I never forgot the look of elation on his face as he gleefully murdered bystanders. At this point, I am about 10 years old. I find my next villain of sorts... The G-man. Another man, this one middle aged. Invincible, immortal, can jump though and manipulate time and space. Again, I was in love. With the power. I wanted to be powerful. At the age of 12, I found The Joker. This was The Dark Knight's Joker, by the way. TDK's Joker was more of an oddly dressed serial killer than the Clown Prince of Crime, but it didn't matter to me. This was, again, someone I actually empathized with. I could see his motives, and I could understand why he did things. Here was a man who was completely without emotion, so devoid of feeling he could actually take pleasure from the pain of others. I wanted to be like him. And so my life evolved from the ignorance of a small child to the remarkably mature and very devious power hungry sociopath that is me today. I never really cared much for human interaction, and my attraction and understanding of both classic and little known villains drove home the point. Normal people bore me, and other intellectuals (I use the term generally. I am not assuming much with my intelligence here) strike me as facades hiding their emotions behind them. I hated people. I considered them as means to an end - and my preferred end would be power. Ganondorf is another example. Ruthless, powerful, cunning. More recently? Master Xehanort. Also powerful, even darker than the others. Dexter. He is a serial killer, and I take his side in his arguments. Hell, I took the side of the machines in The Matrix. My life has been very confusing for me. I feel like I am insane - I mean, I must be. However, I don't think normal insane people are so aware of their own position. I'm not sure what I am, to be honest. Again, here is the person that would get pleasure from tutorial-camping with a twink in WAR. I still feel the rush today... the small burst of adrenaline from a kill in any online game. The joy of knowing someone else is being discouraged. Bringing this full circle, this is why I play CoX. I want power. All I want is to feel powerful, because all I feel is trapped. I'm trapped in this stupid reality full of people I hate - and there is nothing I can do about it. My life will be typical, I assume, and I am predicting years of the same. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but I assume the consistent lust for murder isn't. City gave me power. City gave me a release. I could be strong here, stronger than any other character of my creation. I got my first 50 about three years ago, back when I was about 13, and have since then gotten over 20 more... but my favorite will always be Omi. Oh, Lord Omi. If only he knew. He is the amalgam of every single thing I wish to be. (Besides, you know, male.) A Warshade that I have spent over 2,100 hours on alone. A strong, dark, powerful figure of mystery yet vague intentions. An immortal legend, a demon from hell, a god from heaven, or even a man with my same mad designs of power. I made him to serve my purpose of a functional release of my otherwise dark and rather scary thoughts, and since then I have enjoyed life more... all because I could go home nightly and rampage through the streets, murdering everyone in my way. Here in City I felt truly powerful, and I felt at home. I doubt I'm the first person to fantasize about mass murder rather than the usual things. In fact, I'm willing to bet that we all have the same fantasy. You're in the city. Doesn't matter which. And you have powers. You have the same powers your main does, plus a bit. You look just like you want to be - which, I'm also guessing, is like your main. And so you're in the city, surrounded by people, and you have powers. And you systematically and repeatedly destroy it all. Different ways every time. This fantasy has played out countless times, and usually to music. In fact, that's why you like a few of your songs: the beat syncs with your animations. And so you destroy and you rampage and the finale of it all ends with one final cataclysmic attack that fades out with the last few beats of the music, and you know deep down that your only wish would be to have those powers. I feel like those of you who love this game love it for the same reason. Not because they are probably going to be a serial killer... but because they need an escape. I am escaping from my own insanity. What are you escaping from? |
GreatRock, reading and re-reading through your posts in this thread, I most strongly notice how you have an ability to process a lot of information, conceptualize complex possibilities, project outcomes, and clearly articulate those thoughts. Skills highly desirable by a talented chess player or CEO.
Maybe I recognize them in you because someone close to me possesses the same skills. I've watched them be highly successful in their efforts for over 30 years. That is 30 years (and counting) of getting to try out a lot of things through hard work. Getting to experiment whenever they needed something new in their life. From programming one of the first computer networks while still in college, to investing in start-up companies, to land development, and more.
From time to time a specific attempt would fail. Usually quietly. Sometime spectacularly. The times my heart broke for them was when partners failed to deliver on promises or, even worse, would lie and steal because their portion of the profits would not satisfy greed.
Like you, this entrepreneur started at a place that was less than nothing. Trapped, as you said, by a reality full of hate-worthy people. In spite of setbacks from family circumstances, environment, and deceitful associates, that person has thrived. They've been successful in just about every way a person truly wants.
They have built a good family of their own, one of mutual respect and genuine caring. I and a dozen others not of their blood consider them a parent, though not because of legal or religious status. They install a desire to be surrounded by trustworthy people even as they have been able to attract.
How did they do it, with so much against them to start and so much failure along the way? Well, like I said they were a lot like you, GreatRock: Talented and driven to becoming more then what they were. I think you can enjoy the same level of success as they. After all, at sixteen is when they started building the life they have enjoyed for so many years.
Really there is only one major difference I can see between you and them.
Quote:
The successfully happy person you remind me of is close to how Flying_Carcass describes. Instead of ranking people, they focus on connecting to people. They look at the world as a place containing people worth knowing.|
Originally Posted by GreatRock
Quote:
|
Determining superiority doesn't enter into their equation. True, superiority is a logical way to relate, but the world is an emotional place. So they focus on the most important emotion of all: Feeling valued.
For some people it is easy to value them, because they have a lot of similarities to recognize and praise. Some are harder because they are so different or the valuable parts are "diamond in the rough" unpolished and hidden away. But in each and every person common ground is found, appreciated, and valued.
Yes, they've had people take advantage of their kindness (see aforementioned liars and thieves). That hasn't stopped them from believing there are still other people out there who are worth knowing and valuing.
And as they value others, that encourages all to value them as well. It's one of those self-perpetuating goodnesses in life. They and all they've influenced, myself included, are a living proof that cooperation and respect and honesty lead to thriving happiness.
In the end I think their lifeviews can be summed up as: Respect all, work hard, do what you love.
My hope in sharing this is that you, GreatRock, or someone else who reads it will draw hope that there is real good in the world. While I did not name names for privacy reason, I solemnly promise that the noble person described does, in fact, exist. They are not a fantasy or an exaggeration. While they are not perfect (no one in this world is) they are one of the best people I know. They are real, and have been an influence for good in the lives of all who know them or know of them, as long as that person also wanted good in their life.
Wherever your life journey's takes you it is my wish that you may discover wonders to explore, learn ways to grow, create expressions of yourself, and know someone trustworthy to celebrate all of it together.
Wonderful words, Llydia!
And, yeah, if there's one thing I've learned it is that every single person you meet has something worth gleaning from. It's up to you whether you want to find it or not (and some people will prove unworthy of the time and effort it took to find out -or of the trust and all that - but, I always say, I'm worth being the person that cares and bothers to try... I don't care about anything other than being who I want to be... and I want to be someone that cares).
I like to see people how they want to be. I'm willing to give them that much. Why not. Maybe I can help them be it, if they're not quite there yet. Sometimes that's all it takes... other people believing in you.
What the frick am I going on about?
Anyway...
Hey, by the way... a great book (and I have never ever read any other auto-biographies, and I am not really a biography reader either... Just not my cup o'tea, BUT...) Harpo Speaks is possibly the greatest book I've ever read. Besides the amazing accounts of ridiculous stories, haha, I really try to keep in mind how much Harpo Marx seems to have this grasp of accepting people as they are for who they are. When I can hold on to that (while dealing with some people that are threatening to really drive you bonkers) it is an amazing thing.
Okay, that was almost random, but seriously, I highly recommend this book (both for entertainment value and for a bit of great influence on your happiness).
@Zethustra
"Now at midnight all the agents and the superhuman crew come out
and round up everyone that knows more than they do"-Dylan
and round up everyone that knows more than they do"-Dylan
Quote:
Dear GreatRock,|
Originally Posted by GreatRock
To clarify, all I really want is to be stronger than the people that have dragged me down. My parents fight a lot, to be honest, and they take it out on me.
My parents call me worthless. Useless. So do other people. My family, and what feels like the world, doesn't bother to understand. All they see is some messed up kid who plays video games. I'm tired of being called out for being different. I want to show the world how different I can be. I want to be super. I want to do things, to be a hero, to show the world that I am special and I am not like everyone else. I want to be someone, do something, be so strong that every other person will finally want to be like me. I guess I'm just tired of being on the bottom, especially when my mind is so far ahead. ----------------------- Also, yes. I have tried professional help. Ironically, it doesn't actually help. I've never told anyone any of this before, to be honest. I need people to vent to, and keeping all of this to myself for so long made me a bit desperate. No, I am not in danger of hurting myself or others. Thanks for reading, guys. I guess this community is the closest thing I have to people who will listen - really, truly listen - and it feels great to get this off my chest. Thank you all for these three years of actual happiness. I don't get to experience it often, and I am so damn proud to be a part of all of this. |
Wanting to be esteemed, respected and loved for one's own self isn't odd, weird or different. It's downright normal. Depending on where you're at in life (someone said you're 16) often has a lot to do with how one feels and thinks even apart from life circumstances. Psychiatry is useful only if one has a chemical imbalance that medicine can correct or mitigate; however, you might benefit from talking with one or more counselors, therapists, or psychologists. Yeah, it can take some time and research finding one you can work with well, but ultimately worth the effort and expense if said professional can listen fully to you and offer constuctive suggestions as well as understanding.
Going out on limb to offer you my layman's nonprofessional opinion (aka playing "armchair psychologist"), parents who call their child "worthless" and "useless" don't sound very loving and nurturing to me. There are such things as emotional neglect and abuse -- no broken bones, no bruises, but the injury is just as real -- and a good counseling psychologist (or related therapist) can assist in the recovery towards building a happier, more fulfillng life for oneself.
As to wanting to be a hero and show the world, that you can accomplish readily even in small ways. Commit to making a positive difference in the world around you. Volunteer activities can give one a feeling of accomplishment while making a positive difference in the lives of others. (Your school, local food bank, local charities, etc. might well be able to use your services! And/or you might find a sense of belonging and enjoyment in a club devoted to your interests and hobbies.) Also, simply listening to others and being considerate can be a gift.
My last good (imo) idea off the top of my head would be to look for the Self Help books in the libraries. I read tons of these in my early to mid 20s when like you I also wanted to overcome the negative things in my life. I didn't take any single book as having all the answers, but instead found various good ideas that I could apply from many sources, and that included friends, some with more life experience than my own.
Best Regards and Best to you in the future. Take care,
John
aka @Kristoff von Gelmini, leader of small SG bases (Infinity/Victory/Virtue/Protector), member of The House of Tera (Justice) and various others (Champion/Infinity/Victory/Guardian/Freedom).
Quote:
Aion has moving hair, and they had moving hair before NCSoft became the "Nameless Enemy" sooo...just saying...
|
Originally Posted by Golden Girl
It's owned by the Nameless Enemy.
|
BrandX Future Staff Fighter
The BrandX Collection
After contemplating all of the very kind (and in some places, not so kind) words you have spoken, I feel prompted to answer them all.
Warning: HUGE wall of text.
Quote:
I have definitely considered that. In truth, my parents have tried to be nice. One on one, they are fine. |
Originally Posted by JohnRobey
Dear GreatRock,
-snip- Going out on limb to offer you my layman's nonprofessional opinion (aka playing "armchair psychologist"), parents who call their child "worthless" and "useless" don't sound very loving and nurturing to me. There are such things as emotional neglect and abuse -- no broken bones, no bruises, but the injury is just as real -- and a good counseling psychologist (or related therapist) can assist in the recovery towards building a happier, more fulfillng life for oneself. -snip- |
In public, however, or in front of others, they mock me.
It hurts. It hurts a lot, to be honest. I can't take them seriously because I know that as soon as they need a quick laugh, they ask me about my hobbies or something and make stupid jokes at my expense.
Thank you for your kind words, and the reaffirming of the advice to get help. I am seriously considering broaching the issue now that so many have insisted upon it.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Electric-Knight
Wonderful words, Llydia!
And, yeah, if there's one thing I've learned it is that every single person you meet has something worth gleaning from. It's up to you whether you want to find it or not (and some people will prove unworthy of the time and effort it took to find out -or of the trust and all that - but, I always say, I'm worth being the person that cares and bothers to try... I don't care about anything other than being who I want to be... and I want to be someone that cares). |
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Electric-Knight
I like to see people how they want to be. I'm willing to give them that much. Why not. Maybe I can help them be it, if they're not quite there yet. Sometimes that's all it takes... other people believing in you.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Electric-Knight
What the frick am I going on about?
Anyway... Hey, by the way... a great book (and I have never ever read any other auto-biographies, and I am not really a biography reader either... Just not my cup o'tea, BUT...) Harpo Speaks is possibly the greatest book I've ever read. Besides the amazing accounts of ridiculous stories, haha, I really try to keep in mind how much Harpo Marx seems to have this grasp of accepting people as they are for who they are. When I can hold on to that (while dealing with some people that are threatening to really drive you bonkers) it is an amazing thing. Okay, that was almost random, but seriously, I highly recommend this book (both for entertainment value and for a bit of great influence on your happiness). |
Also, I am highly anticipating meeting you in person Sunday. You are one of my favorite forumites. :P
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Llydia
GreatRock, reading and re-reading through your posts in this thread, I most strongly notice how you have an ability to process a lot of information, conceptualize complex possibilities, project outcomes, and clearly articulate those thoughts. Skills highly desirable by a talented chess player or CEO.
|
But seriously, thank you. That means a lot. Often people try and cheer me up with compliments I know are not sincere, and this is the first in a while that has actually struck home. Thank you.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Llydia
Maybe I recognize them in you because someone close to me possesses the same skills. I've watched them be highly successful in their efforts for over 30 years. That is 30 years (and counting) of getting to try out a lot of things through hard work. Getting to experiment whenever they needed something new in their life. From programming one of the first computer networks while still in college, to investing in start-up companies, to land development, and more.
From time to time a specific attempt would fail. Usually quietly. Sometime spectacularly. The times my heart broke for them was when partners failed to deliver on promises or, even worse, would lie and steal because their portion of the profits would not satisfy greed. Like you, this entrepreneur started at a place that was less than nothing. Trapped, as you said, by a reality full of hate-worthy people. In spite of setbacks from family circumstances, environment, and deceitful associates, that person has thrived. They've been successful in just about every way a person truly wants. They have built a good family of their own, one of mutual respect and genuine caring. I and a dozen others not of their blood consider them a parent, though not because of legal or religious status. They install a desire to be surrounded by trustworthy people even as they have been able to attract. How did they do it, with so much against them to start and so much failure along the way? Well, like I said they were a lot like you, GreatRock: Talented and driven to becoming more then what they were. I think you can enjoy the same level of success as they. After all, at sixteen is when they started building the life they have enjoyed for so many years. Really there is only one major difference I can see between you and them. The successfully happy person you remind me of is close to how Flying_Carcass describes. Instead of ranking people, they focus on connecting to people. They look at the world as a place containing people worth knowing. Determining superiority doesn't enter into their equation. True, superiority is a logical way to relate, but the world is an emotional place. So they focus on the most important emotion of all: Feeling valued. For some people it is easy to value them, because they have a lot of similarities to recognize and praise. Some are harder because they are so different or the valuable parts are "diamond in the rough" unpolished and hidden away. But in each and every person common ground is found, appreciated, and valued. Yes, they've had people take advantage of their kindness (see aforementioned liars and thieves). That hasn't stopped them from believing there are still other people out there who are worth knowing and valuing. And as they value others, that encourages all to value them as well. It's one of those self-perpetuating goodnesses in life. They and all they've influenced, myself included, are a living proof that cooperation and respect and honesty lead to thriving happiness. In the end I think their lifeviews can be summed up as: Respect all, work hard, do what you love. |
However, I haven't ever seriously considered growing up to be happy in my normality. It just feels wrong to me. Like it would be a waste or something. I know I sound arrogant, but that is how I feel. Again, I am trying my best to be honest.
Being honest is hard for me sometimes. I am a brilliant liar, moreso than anyone I have met, and sometimes rolling with whatever will best help my current situation is reflex. It takes effort to really pour it all out.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Llydia
My hope in sharing this is that you, GreatRock, or someone else who reads it will draw hope that there is real good in the world. While I did not name names for privacy reason, I solemnly promise that the noble person described does, in fact, exist. They are not a fantasy or an exaggeration. While they are not perfect (no one in this world is) they are one of the best people I know. They are real, and have been an influence for good in the lives of all who know them or know of them, as long as that person also wanted good in their life.
Wherever your life journey's takes you it is my wish that you may discover wonders to explore, learn ways to grow, create expressions of yourself, and know someone trustworthy to celebrate all of it together. |
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by _Cai_
I hope I never cross your path in real life; ever. Get help soon.
|
... screw the rules
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by blackjak
Nicely put, EK.
And just so you know,GR, I have spoken with Lord Omi in-game a few times and have always found him very nice ... for an earth shattering demon. |
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Golden Girl
It's owned by the Nameless Enemy.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Electric-Knight
You've actually gotten some good advice here and I believe JKedan and AC are correct.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Electric-Knight
You said yourself that 1) you don't think these issues will go away over time. Let me tell you, very few (if any) 16 year olds think that their problems will go away over time. It's part of what makes us what we are during those years.
And, you said that you don't think your problems are normal problems for a 16 year old (paraphrasing here; don't sue me!)... Again, no 16 year old thinks that their problems are normal... and, again, the others are right in that there is no normal (lookit me!). None of this is to say that you should simply dismiss these issues... that's how issues never go away. Sounds like you have some pretty lousy experiences with some important people in your life (honestly, it's a very lucky person that doesn't have some person/people that'll leave them with deep psychological scars in their years of development, sadly). The key is to rise above it... not by developing super powers and destroying the world, but by finding the true ideals that would make you happy and focusing on that and slowly, diligently blazing the trail towards being that person. It does not have to be big... being a nice person that manages the corner store is a wonderful thing to be if that makes you happy. You just have to find your happiness (beyond our happiness in other people's created pastimes). I am biased, but I'll suggest searching for creative avenues to see if there's anything that really appeals to you. Even if such things do not become your main focus, they can absolutely help you to clear your head and start building your head the way you believe will be more satisfactory and healthy. Whether it is writing, drawing, painting, carving, music, wicker-basket-ing... explore, pursue, try-out. Maybe try writing out ideas for a video game. You never know. And you are truly at such a great age... you have so much time to build your skills and experiences. Do not get caught up in believing that the bad times are permanent. That is how we make that grim premonition true. You are what you make out of yourself. Don't believe that you are limited to anything that you don't want to be limited to. Figure out how to not be what you don't want to be... and enjoy it. |
Overall, and I am addressing you all here, thank you for your help thus far. It took a lot for me to put this out, and after the period of regret, I am not looking back on finally admitting I have a problem. You guys, each and every one of you, are filling me with confidence. I never thought I would hear another kind word from you all, but the CoH community has astounded me once again with your unrelenting kindness.
I am still toying with the idea of finding a psychologist. On one hand, I know I need help, and this is definitely affecting how I see the world. On the other, I want to try and fix myself... well, myself.
Again, I can't thank you all enough for your kindness.
@Rien
I am Lord Omi. Now and forever. They can take our City, but they can't take me.
Quote:
Delayed, but this reminded me of something funny. |
Originally Posted by Golden Girl
I play for moving hair.
|
In WAR, we had different set classes, each with a set tree and set items. Archmage was the Order (hero) offense/defense ranged mage, featuring DoTs and HoTs. They all had a serious and chronic disease.
SSS, or Static Sleeve Syndrome.
They had huge, billowing sleeves that didn't move in relation to the elbow, regardless of the position of the arms. They literally defied gravity.
When I got to CoH, I was blown away that capes actually obeyed physics.
@Rien
I am Lord Omi. Now and forever. They can take our City, but they can't take me.
Quote:
LOL, that made me laugh! It was also of one of the things that first caught my eye and made City of Heroes avatars attractive, the way the capes move, that and the quality of artwork and animation generally.|
Originally Posted by GreatRock
Delayed, but this reminded me of something funny.
In WAR, we had different set classes, each with a set tree and set items. Archmage was the Order (hero) offense/defense ranged mage, featuring DoTs and HoTs. They all had a serious and chronic disease. SSS, or Static Sleeve Syndrome. They had huge, billowing sleeves that didn't move in relation to the elbow, regardless of the position of the arms. They literally defied gravity. When I got to CoH, I was blown away that capes actually obeyed physics. |
Belated LOL to Golden Girl for playing because of moving hair. I must have the wrong hairstyles on my characters then, or else was inattentive ;-)
aka @Kristoff von Gelmini, leader of small SG bases (Infinity/Victory/Virtue/Protector), member of The House of Tera (Justice) and various others (Champion/Infinity/Victory/Guardian/Freedom).
Seeking counseling isn't hard. Schools, Churches, Community centers, etc all usually have someone on hand for that kind of thing. There is no need to directly seek psychiatric help.
The notion that you think there is something wrong with you that needs fixing and that you want to do it yourself points to a pretty normal adolescent behavior. In your free time you might want to look for some books (actual books, not online articles unless they are found on something like the American Psychological Association website) about the psychology of adolesecent behavior. If you can objectively look at what you wrote after reading some of those text you'll likely be able to see the patterns of what you posted mostly falling in line with normal adolescent behavior.
There is even a specific psychological phenomenon where adolescents have the perspective that their problems are truely unique to everyone elses and that others are incapable of understanding them because of said uniqueness. Sadly I've been out of school the better part of a decade so the term escapes me. No one of course wants to hear this (that its just a phase) so usually what happens is if the individual continues to have problems, they are counseled until they get beyond this point of mental development.
Not meant to be inflammatory, just the way it is.
Quote:
Not taken as inflammitory. |
Originally Posted by MrLiberty
Seeking counseling isn't hard. Schools, Churches, Community centers, etc all usually have someone on hand for that kind of thing. There is no need to directly seek psychiatric help.
The notion that you think there is something wrong with you that needs fixing and that you want to do it yourself points to a pretty normal adolescent behavior. In your free time you might want to look for some books (actual books, not online articles unless they are found on something like the American Psychological Association website) about the psychology of adolesecent behavior. If you can objectively look at what you wrote after reading some of those text you'll likely be able to see the patterns of what you posted mostly falling in line with normal adolescent behavior. There is even a specific psychological phenomenon where adolescents have the perspective that their problems are truely unique to everyone elses and that others are incapable of understanding them because of said uniqueness. Sadly I've been out of school the better part of a decade so the term escapes me. No one of course wants to hear this (that its just a phase) so usually what happens is if the individual continues to have problems, they are counseled until they get beyond this point of mental development. Not meant to be inflammatory, just the way it is. |
You know, this entire thread is turning my mindset around. I thought I was inconsolably different, but maybe this _is_ just a phase.
A very long, as-long-as-I-can-remember phase. :/
I really just don't know.
@Rien
I am Lord Omi. Now and forever. They can take our City, but they can't take me.
okay... I'm going to go out on a huge limb and share something with you (and consequently everyone else here) that may offer a little perspective...
I am the product of an emotional and physical abuser.
Namely, my mother.
Not many people who know me now would ever guess it, as I am now a fairly well adjusted and generally happy person.
But there was a time when I was a very, very, very angry young lady.
The emotional abuse began rather early, I can remember very specific moments from 4 years and on. It escalated as I got older. By the time I was 8, I was taking the brunt of a lot of crap. By the time I was 12, Mom and I were physically fighting worse than cats and dogs.
We went to counseling at my father's insistence (my parents were divorced, and I had asked to come live with him). The problem was, my mom would spin the truth and the counselor never believed my side of the story. This of course, did absolutely nothing to instil any confidence in authority figures.
Of course, all this turmoil had an effect on my attitude toward others. I would wear a "happy face" when necessary, and I excelled in my academics; but I had what a lot of folks would call a huge chip on my shoulder. Some might even say I was a bit of a bully. I was angry and disdainful of others my age, and only had a few close friends... my trust was a difficult thing to earn.
There came a time, finally, where I decided to take control of my own life.
One night, at the age of 14, I awoke to find myself standing in my bedroom doorway, facing my mother's bedroom across the hall, with a knife in my hand and a fury blazing in my mind.
No joke.
Scared the crap outta myself. I cleared my head, and spent the next several hours mulling over the implications of this event. I came to the conclusion that if I stayed in my environment I would inevitably turn into something/one I did not want to be.
The next morning, I told my mom that I was going to talk to my dad about moving with him at the end of the school year. I did not tell her why (to this day she does not know about that night). She kinda blew it off, as the school year didn't end for a few months yet.
Then came Memorial Day weekend. We packed up and traveled with my aunt and cousins for a weekend in the desert, near some hot springs where another aunt lived. It was a family outing we'd done for several years. But that year... things exploded. Mom and I got into a major blowout, and she became so infuriated that she attacked me, was literally choking me, and my aunt had to pull her off.
I was on a plane the next weekend.
I ended up staying with my grandmother, as my dad was just not ready to handle an angry teen. It was the best thing to ever happen. Gran'ma had just the right amount of patience.
It took nearly a decade for me to recover from a lifetime of hell. It was not always an easy road. It took a lot of venting, introspection, and re-orienting. It took the idea that I had to take control of my own formation, that I couldn't always be blaming my past. At that point, my mistakes were my own. It also took finding trustworthy people who had patience and humor to learn from. And eventually I found Rangle.
Eventually, mom and I came to terms.
It wasn't easy.
I had to step back, and view things from her perspective (which was its own kind of hell). And we eventually had a very emotional conversation wherein she apologized and admitted that she wished she had handled things very differently.
We now accept each other as individuals who have traveled their own rough roads to their own respective destinations.
I try to apply the same acceptance to everyone. They are individuals with different histories that make them unique (for better or worse).
I think of it like a tree.
A tree does not get to choose where it grows, or what grain it has.
But a carver or carpenter can take that tree and determine how to use it. Whether that be to create a beautiful carving, or a sturdy piece of furniture, or a support beam in a house, or whatever...
At some point in your life, you quit being the tree and become the carver. Working with the grain of your own life, you determine your own shape.
In choosing your path, remember:
There is no going back, there is only moving forward.
If you do not move forward, you will drown in the quagmire of your own stagnant emotions.
I agree with some of the other's suggestions; find a focus that transforms your negatives into positives.
For me, it was theatre. In theatre, I was able to express a very wide range of emotions through my characters.
For others, it might be writing, or painting, or sports, or ... games like CoH.
Peace
.
Quote:
|
Don�t say things. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary. - R.W. Emerson |
YUMMY Low-Hanging Fruit for BASE LUV
I love the game.
Global@SteelDominator
Quote:
We all do - that's why we're going to all this effort.
|
Originally Posted by SteelDominator
I love the game.
|
@Golden Girl
City of Heroes comics and artwork
Quote:
As do I.
|
Originally Posted by SteelDominator
I love the game.
|
@Rien
I am Lord Omi. Now and forever. They can take our City, but they can't take me.
Quote:
As far as "Long as I can remember" I'm sure someone once said the road always seems longest during the bumpiest parts or something to that effect. The age range you've mentioned is a tumultuous time for most who make their way through it in one way or another. Even under what might be the most ideal of circumstances (be it happy house hold, financial stability, flourishing in social or academic arenas) many tend to struggle in their own way. Add into the mix less than idea conditions and it only compounds the situation.|
Originally Posted by GreatRock
Not taken as inflammitory.
You know, this entire thread is turning my mindset around. I thought I was inconsolably different, but maybe this _is_ just a phase. A very long, as-long-as-I-can-remember phase. :/ I really just don't know. |
Its pretty easy for us who have already made it through it to come out and say "Don't worry, this too shall pass" but I can remember going through it myself and thinking "Yeah right!"
It's not that anyone is the same, there is no set path that everyone goes down. There are however general and broad patterns we see as people develop. Some go through them quicker, some slower. Its definitely not something black and white.
The best thing you can probably do is talk to a counselor and try to keep in mind they are there to help. Try to keep in mind that its a too way street in that while it can be hard to talk to someone who starts out a stranger to your situation and your problems, its also hard for him or her to bridge that gap to understand what is going on. It's something that will have a solution over the course of a day, a few weeks, or even a month.
Quote:
And why we bicker like family.
|
Originally Posted by Golden Girl
We all do - that's why we're going to all this effort.
|
Quote:
Love this family |
Originally Posted by JKedan
And why we bicker like family.
|
OMG post number #999
Global@SteelDominator
Quote:
It's got a lot more than just moving hair on your character. |
Originally Posted by Brillig
I bet Blade and Soul has moving hair too.
|
Father Xmas - Level 50 Ice/Ice Tanker - Victory
$725 and $1350 parts lists --- My guide to computer components
Tempus unum hominem manet
Quote:
C'mon man, bring it into the thousands! You got this!
|
Originally Posted by SteelDominator
Love this family
OMG post number #999 |
@Rien
I am Lord Omi. Now and forever. They can take our City, but they can't take me.
Quote:
Thank you for sharing that. Really.|
Originally Posted by Impish Kat
okay... I'm going to go out on a huge limb and share something with you (and consequently everyone else here) that may offer a little perspective...
I am the product of an emotional and physical abuser. Namely, my mother. Not many people who know me now would ever guess it, as I am now a fairly well adjusted and generally happy person. But there was a time when I was a very, very, very angry young lady. The emotional abuse began rather early, I can remember very specific moments from 4 years and on. It escalated as I got older. By the time I was 8, I was taking the brunt of a lot of crap. By the time I was 12, Mom and I were physically fighting worse than cats and dogs. We went to counseling at my father's insistence (my parents were divorced, and I had asked to come live with him). The problem was, my mom would spin the truth and the counselor never believed my side of the story. This of course, did absolutely nothing to instil any confidence in authority figures. Of course, all this turmoil had an effect on my attitude toward others. I would wear a "happy face" when necessary, and I excelled in my academics; but I had what a lot of folks would call a huge chip on my shoulder. Some might even say I was a bit of a bully. I was angry and disdainful of others my age, and only had a few close friends... my trust was a difficult thing to earn. There came a time, finally, where I decided to take control of my own life. One night, at the age of 14, I awoke to find myself standing in my bedroom doorway, facing my mother's bedroom across the hall, with a knife in my hand and a fury blazing in my mind. No joke. Scared the crap outta myself. I cleared my head, and spent the next several hours mulling over the implications of this event. I came to the conclusion that if I stayed in my environment I would inevitably turn into something/one I did not want to be. The next morning, I told my mom that I was going to talk to my dad about moving with him at the end of the school year. I did not tell her why (to this day she does not know about that night). She kinda blew it off, as the school year didn't end for a few months yet. Then came Memorial Day weekend. We packed up and traveled with my aunt and cousins for a weekend in the desert, near some hot springs where another aunt lived. It was a family outing we'd done for several years. But that year... things exploded. Mom and I got into a major blowout, and she became so infuriated that she attacked me, was literally choking me, and my aunt had to pull her off. I was on a plane the next weekend. I ended up staying with my grandmother, as my dad was just not ready to handle an angry teen. It was the best thing to ever happen. Gran'ma had just the right amount of patience. It took nearly a decade for me to recover from a lifetime of hell. It was not always an easy road. It took a lot of venting, introspection, and re-orienting. It took the idea that I had to take control of my own formation, that I couldn't always be blaming my past. At that point, my mistakes were my own. It also took finding trustworthy people who had patience and humor to learn from. And eventually I found Rangle. Eventually, mom and I came to terms. It wasn't easy. I had to step back, and view things from her perspective (which was its own kind of hell). And we eventually had a very emotional conversation wherein she apologized and admitted that she wished she had handled things very differently. We now accept each other as individuals who have traveled their own rough roads to their own respective destinations. I try to apply the same acceptance to everyone. They are individuals with different histories that make them unique (for better or worse). I think of it like a tree. A tree does not get to choose where it grows, or what grain it has. But a carver or carpenter can take that tree and determine how to use it. Whether that be to create a beautiful carving, or a sturdy piece of furniture, or a support beam in a house, or whatever... At some point in your life, you quit being the tree and become the carver. Working with the grain of your own life, you determine your own shape. In choosing your path, remember: There is no going back, there is only moving forward. If you do not move forward, you will drown in the quagmire of your own stagnant emotions. I agree with some of the other's suggestions; find a focus that transforms your negatives into positives. For me, it was theatre. In theatre, I was able to express a very wide range of emotions through my characters. For others, it might be writing, or painting, or sports, or ... games like CoH. Peace . |
I'm not really sure how to respond, other than with a mix of both shock and understanding.
@Rien
I am Lord Omi. Now and forever. They can take our City, but they can't take me.
Quote:
I’m not really escaping, I guess it’s more wish fulfilment for me.|
Originally Posted by GreatRock
What are you escaping from?
|
Ever since I was old enough to read (yes, a looong time ago), I’ve loved super-hero comics.
I’ve also got a long history with games mostly preferring story driven rpg’s like Final Fantasy or games like MGS etc. But there was always a part of me that wished that there was a decent superhero game out there, then CoH came along – it was the game I’d always hoped for, in fact it felt like it was a game made especially for me
I don’t have any pent up emotions or things to run from, I just loved being a part of CoH and playing alongside some great people. Strangely most of my creations have terrible pasts or something to run from - not sure what that says about me?
I guess like many on here it became more than a game to me…
My deviantART page (warning some images nsfw)
GGRRR Comic Series GGRRR Comics on Facebook
Quote:
I can only hope that you can take courage from my story.|
Originally Posted by GreatRock
Thank you for sharing that. Really.
I'm not really sure how to respond, other than with a mix of both shock and understanding. |
Everyone has their own dark tunnels that they must travel through.
Some tunnels are more dark than others.
I thought my little hell was pretty special until a friend confided to me that her stepfather had taken some rather horrible indecent liberties with her. It made me pause and realize that I may have been unduly harsh with those around me because of my inability to see beyond my own darkness.
We are all the product of genetics and environment.
At some point, you will have the opportunity to change your environment.
Unfortunately, you're stuck with your genetics.
There are things about yourself that you simply won't be able to change.
This was the most terrifying thing for me to acknowledge; that I am a lot like my mother in some ways. Like the tree, it is part of my grain. The challenge is to become the carver, to find ways to use that grain in positive ways.
CoH is not an "escape" for me, because I have accepted my past as a part of myself. Rather, CoH has served as a wonderful creative and social outlet for me. And, if I must be honest, it's also been a terrible distraction from other creative outlets... lol.
Peace
Quote:
|
Don�t say things. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary. - R.W. Emerson |
YUMMY Low-Hanging Fruit for BASE LUV
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Impish Kat
Everyone has their own dark tunnels that they must travel through.
Some tunnels are more dark than others. |
Truth.
@Rien
I am Lord Omi. Now and forever. They can take our City, but they can't take me.
@Golden Girl
City of Heroes comics and artwork