There's a badge?
"It's hard for you to be yourself, if you don't know who you really are."
Finally, I got out of Paragon City and away from all of those hero wannabes. These isles offer people like myself new oppurtunities, No more getting beatdown by some idiot wearing flamboyant colored spandex. I joined up with a group of Hellions that decided to raid one of Lord Recluse's labs. We had to clear out some Snakes, but we are Hellions. Our leader, Nathan, went by Furnace. I would too Nathan is not awe inspiring at all. I was, ofcourse, given the sledgehammer. We had a ton or two of explosives. I have no idea why we were going to burn the place down during the rave. We spent a few hours smacking our fists into our hands. This apparently inspires fear in those that see us. I think changing our names to Nathan might work better. As the rave was getting started, My Worst Nightmare showed up. His costume startled me immediately.
Jenkins:"Bloody hell what is a hero doing here?"
My Worst Nightmare:" I am your worst nightmare!"
J:"That is not what your nametag says."
MWN:" Look do you know how many people Recluse has brought here? Your Worst Nightmare was already taken. So this is what I could come up with on the fly. I was not going to change my look or costume for a name."
J:"Oh, so you aren't one of those idiot heroes then?"
MWN:" Egads! Man do I look like a hero? I have a skull head for pity' sake. A monstrous body and legs with clawed feet. I have skulls with fangs on my shoulders, chest, and belt. Look at my monster-like hands. Crikey! What does a villain have to do around here?"
J:"So you are one of us then?"
MWN:"Oh you poor, poor pathetic villain wannabe. I am one of the thousands and thousands of chosen ones. I have been sent here to thwart your villainous goals, and that irks me."
J:"Why?"
MWN:"I am a bad guy! I do not want to fight other bad guys. I should be fighting Statesman and his equals not some guy with a leather vest and a sledgehammer. Even Recluse's own soldiers attack me. This sooo miffs me. I want to attack ordinary citizens. You know mugging old ladies and killing babies. Fighting Hellions is SO beneath me. No offense."
J:"None taken."
MWN:"Infact, I am leaving now and I'm gonna start my own evil empire with blackjack and hookers. Actually, forget the blackjack."
J:"Ofcourse, you realize Recluse may want you to prove yourself against increasingly difficult opponents to show how 'chosen' of a one you are."
MWN:" Bah, I don't have time for this."
My Worst Nightmare vanishes into nothingness. Suddenly, a fiery brute starts wailing on my guys. He has a shiny metal skull with horns and spikes. Fanged skulls cover his massive shoulders , chest, and belt. His hands and feet are wrapped in bones with skulls mounted on them. All this to compliment his armored body. The last thing I noticed was his nametag Lord Darkity Dark Death Skull Demon Thing.
J:"Oh Bloody Hell"
not yet many of us in beta were trying to get one though
Very cute 
no, not yet at least
ok, so for those of you who were not in beta, the Jenkins Conspiracy started when a poster said he thought we would have to prove ourselves to each villain group leading up to Arachnos. This led to a discussion on how that would work and how would you quit anyway. During the course of our tomfoolery it became Jenkins getting fired. What made it even better is that it was Jenkins you have to rescue in Breakout. 
Well, in honor of this conspiracy I will post what I have saved. Keep in mind that I did not copy the poster's name, so I cannot give credit where credit is due. Sorry 
enjoy
I can't think of the last time villains got together and held a meeting to see who the next big Super Villain would be. Can you IMAGINE that meeting?
Skulls Rep: "This 'Psycho Flame' guy. He's up for Villain status, and we're all here to review him today. Who's met this guy? Anyone?"
Hellions Rep: "I met him once. Seemed really mean. Good with lighting people on fire, too. We liked that."
Skulls Rep: "Shut up, you."
CoT Rep: "We had the pleasure of his company for a short while, too. We felt he lacked what it took to be a master of evil mysticism, but he had a nice look. And a great chanting voice."
Skulls Rep: "Hmm.. we'll keep that in consideration. Anyone else?"
Freakshow Rep: "We thought he was going to start out strong- but in the end, he refused to fuse metallic joints to his body, and spent a good deal of time sticking magnets on our faces as we slept."
Clockwork Rep: "Hey! Us, too!"
Skulls Rep: "Not very promising. Anyone have any positive comments? This guy really wants to be a big time villain, and he's waiting patiently for our approval."
Sky Raider Rep: "He's pretty good with a rocket pack. And he had some decent maintenance skills when it came to our shield generators. Plus, he's really a people person. Good personality."
Skulls Rep: "Well, I think I've heard enough. I'll just call Lord Recluse with what we've talked about here, and see if Psycho Flame is worthy of a callback."
Plus, how do you quit the FREAKSHOW? (This one is for you, Raevyn)
You: "This has been great guys. Really. I've had a good time ransacking Talos Island, and I really like the idea that I can open a beer bottle with my... well, you know... But I think it's time we've parted ways. So- if you could just take all this crap out of me, and stuff all my limbs and organs back in place- that would be super."
Freak Tank: "You... didn't read the pamphlet we handed out when you signed up, did you."
You: "There was a pamphlet? My bad. Did it say anything important?"
Freak Tank: "The pamphlet titled 'Irreversible Cybernetics and You'? ...Yeah. It had a few important issues in there."
And the Banished Pantheon would be a little tough, as well.
You: "I'm sick of being a half-naked Shaman guy. The zombies smell, the floating head mask thingies creep the bejesus out of me, and no matter HOW hard I try, I NEVER get promoted to the "Giant Tiki Guy" position. That's it. I'm done."
Banished Pantheon Member: "Sure, sure. We understand. I mean, it's no problem to quit."
You: "Really? No hard feelings or anything?"
Banished Pantheon Member: "No, no. Just let me go get my voodoo doll, and my pouch of magic powder, and you'll be out real quick."
Next thing you know, you're hanging around Greg Brady's neck, making him lose the surfing competition. Not the fate I'd wish for, man.
You: *stretch* "Well guys, it has been fun, being part of this evil corporation, but I'm gonna to just tumble on home."
Crey: "Erm.. Okay, there are two ways. Either erase your memory, or we kill you."
You: "Wow.. Those are my choices?"
Crey: "Yeah, the Countess isn't really a 'people person.'"
You: "Well all right.. Erase my memory.. Will I remember my name?"
Crey: "Haha, good one." *ZAP!*
You: Listen, boss- This... this just isn't working out for me. I mean, no offense, but the 'West Side Story meets Escape From New York" look just isn't me, I keep dropping my axe... all the boys are laughin' at me... it's just not a good conducive atmosphere for me to work in. You know- emotionally ."
Warrior Boss: "..."
You: "I mean, sword fights are cool, and everything- Reminds me of many an hour I spent playing Dungeons and Dragons back in high school. But, I just don't think we're all working in a cohesive group. So, I'm just gonna turn in my axe, bandanna, and pre-shredded jeans, and call it all good."
Warriors Boss: "You must fight our BRAVEST warrior if you wish to leave our cabal! No other way is allowed. It's the warrior's way of the warrior. And you must respect the warrior code of the..."
You: "Warrior. Yeah, I got it. You guys say that a lot. And our best warrior is Ted- do I really have to fight Ted? He's good with that spiked ball on a stick thingy."
Warrior Boss: "The Mace. A true Warrior's weapon."
You: "There's no way around this clause in my contract?"
Warrior Boss: "No. It is the way of all warriors to battle the greatest warrior to become a better warrior. Or, in your warrior case, to give up the warrior's life of a warrior."
You: "Oh. *sigh* ...Maybe I can challenge him while he's mugging some lady for her purse. He likes taking women's purses. But... he keeps them. It's weird. 'Mightiest Warrior' my [censored]..."
Warrior Boss: "Your warrior's strategy is bold! Truly in holding of the warrior's code of being..."
You: "..A warrior. Yeah. I get it. This job sucks."
You: "Hey... is it just me, or is this Superadyne stuff... making our skin... you know... that color? Like trees?"
Troll #1: "...Red?"
You: "No... well, maybe. I forget. Thinking is getting harder ever since I started this stuff. Any of you guys having this problem? What about you, 'guy with horns'?"
Troll #1: "Thinking is hard. Me Troll so long, me not have to do no more. Other Trolls pick on me- call me 'The smart one' when I bash my own head with rock."
Troll #2: "That day good. That rock taste good."
You: "Hmm... maybe this stuff wasn't all that the drug dealer on the corner hyped it up to be. I'm hanging with guys I would never have even considered hanging with before, I'm throwing big rocks at people, and popping this superadyne like aspirin at a migraine convention. I'm thinking some rehab might be in order."
Troll #1: "Order me two!" *holds up three fingers* "Sound yummy!"
You: "Uh... yeah. Listen- you guys have been awesome, but I think I should see a doctor, and get this stuff flushed out of my system. You know- go back to normal."
Troll #1: "Normal? Normal bad!"
Troll #2: "BAD! Normal BAD! FIRE BAD! FIRE... Uh... Fire make toast. Me like toast. And like throw rock at heroes."
You: "Yeah... you guys have fun with that. I have to go to the hospital now."
Troll #1: "You no go! Trolls no quit! You go nowhere!"
Hero: "I'VE COME TO DEFEAT YOU, VILLAINS!!"
You: "Good! A hospitalizing is just what I was looking for. Make sure to rough me up real good before working over 'dumb and dumber' over here."
emesis: Who dares come before Nemesis?!
Jenkins: Er, me, sir. You know, Jenkins.
Nemesis: Ahhh.. Jenkins. I believe you've just recently made Warhulk, yes?
Jenkins: Yes sir, about that..
Nemesis: You're quitting. I know. It's the whole "constantly being submerged in water" thing, right?
Jenkins: Pretty much, yeah. It's throwing my equilibrium off something fierce. Well, that and the whole "exploding whenever someone hits me enough" thing.
Nemesis: That's all part of my master plan.. Don't you get it?
Jenkins: What, wrinkly, exploded henchmen?
Nemesis: Wheels within wheels, Jenkins!
Jenkins: ... Yeah. Anyway, am I free to leave, or do I have to give two weeks notice or something?
Nemesis: No, two weeks will not be necessary. I've planned on you quitting for months now.
Jenkins: Well, see you, I guess. Thanks for everything. The uniform was actually pretty cool.
Nemesis: Oh, and Jenkins?
Jenkins: Yes?
Nemesis: PSYCHE!
*fake nemesis explodes*
this one was one of the first to be put in the "call in and quit" format
Err, Mr. Fire Blog master?
Oh, sorry, yeah Fir Bolg, sorry sir.
Well, I need to quit.
Oh the pay is great, you know, but, like, I'm just not doing well with the chicks any more.
Well, yeah, I'm big and strong but the flaming pumpkin head seems to be a real turn-off.
Yeah, it's a great dental plan but not much help when your teeth are just carved out of your face anyway.
Look, I'm sorry but it really isn't working out. I need to quit and get this burning pumpkin off my shoulders. How do I do that?
... old covered bridge near the tram station, right...
A horse!? I've never seen a horse within 100 miles of town, where do I get a horse? And how do I learn to ride it?
But I want to quit now, not in three months! I've already got a moped, will that do?
About 25 miles per hour.
Screw tradition, I'll use the moped. So then what?
...skinny guy, yeah....
JEEZ! Isn't that a bit extreme?
Yes I want to have a head again.
So what am I supposed to lop his head off with? The best I have is a kitchen knife. Will that do it?
Arg. Well, my brother is a Warrior, maybe I can borrow something from him. So then what?
You're joking.
If I cut my own head off then I'll be dead, I won't be able to put the other head on!!
It will? Fifteen seconds? Wouldn't the shock knock me out?
Gatoraid and Dove Bars, got it. Guess I'm set! Wait wait a sec...
My dental plan is supposed to cover me until the end of the year. If I've got this guy's head on, does the plan cover the work he needs done?
Hello? HELLO???
Villain: God, these sewers. Why does it always have to be sewers with these... oh, we're here?
Abomination: GRAGH.
Villain: Oh great. Another sewer. How could I have guessed. So the doctor's around this corner, right? Hello, Doctor Vahzi.... Oh sweet holy lord!
Dr. Vahzilok: I get that reaction a lot.
Villain: So I, uh... wow, a brain in a jar, huh? That works for you?
Dr. Vahz: Get to the point. I'm working on the formula for immortality here.
V: (muttering) Live forever as a brain in a jar, I don't know...
Dr.: What was that?
V: Dr. Vahzilok, sir, I understand you're doing important scientific work here, but I think it's time for me to move on. I've got my resume out there on Monster.com and the economy's recovering, you know...
Dr.: What could be more rewarding than conquering DEATH itself?!
V: Um yeah, that. Don't get me wrong, it's nice not to be vomiting acid anymore, and I'm sure glad that week of carrying explosives is over, but, you know, wearing the skulls and bones of my enemies is a little gross, and I think I'm allergic to something in the water down here, it's been hell on my sinuses...
Dr.: I know what this is about.
V: (hopeful) You do?
Dr.: You want a promotion! Fine. I can offer you a Luminous Eidolon position immediately. Depending on your performance, you could make it to Murk Eidolon within a year.
V: Sir, with all due respect, the whole leather look isn't my thing. I know I experimented back in college, but really it started to chafe, and I think I'd rather just make a clean break.
Dr.: Funny you should mention a break.
Abomination: GRAGH.
Abomination2: GRAGH.
Abomination3: GRAGH.
Dr.: You see, our retirement policy is very strict.
V: Oh, crap.
Dr.: (looks at water passing by) Well, yes. But beside the point.
V: You know, black always was my color... and I can get used to the chains.
Dr.: I thought you might see it my way.
Ringmistress: "So... you want to quit the Carnival of Shadows?"
You: "I really do. Really. I just don't get our mission statement. We entertain people long enough to enslave their souls... and make ghosts... with muscles or something? Isn't our boss just some chick's psycho delusion anyway? THAT also confuses me. How are we working for some figment of another person's head?
Ringmistress: "Well, it's complicated. She has corporeal form, you know. It's all very mystical and metaphysical."
You: "...Okay- but how does the clown theme fit into this?"
Ringmistress: "...Uh... she likes clowns. I guess. DON'T QUESTION THE BOSS, OKAY?"
You: "I also have issues with the fact that I have another person's soul trapped within my own body. Plus, the guy trapped inside me is a 30-year-old bed wetter. Not fun. Oh, and I think I'm allergic to the facepaint."
Ringmistress: "You're a Strongman- you're not supposed to be wearing the facepaint under that metal helmet."
You: "Well that explains why it smears so much, and why my helmet smells funny. Speaking of which, I also don't think I look good in the suit. Not like the other Strongmen."
Ringmistress: "Come on... you look... you look okay."
You: "I'm 120 lbs! I have no muscles! I can barely carry the two gallons of milk I buy all the way up the stairs to my apartment without having to take a break! How can you possibly think this looks good?"
Ringmistress: "Fine, fine. You want to quit? There's the door to the tent. Go on. But I'll tell you this much- if you walk out that door you will never, and I mean NEVER, get free all-you can eat popcorn again."
You: "...never?"
Ringmistress: "Never. Still want to raise a ruckuss, and be 'Mr. Quit'? Huh? Souls aren't easy to remove. Plus, we may 'accidentally' remove YOURS in the process. So go ahead. MAKE trouble by quitting. That's what you WANT, right? No job, soul, OR popcorn? Keep it up, mister troublemaker!"
You: "Sorry...I'll be good."
Ringmistress: "That's better. Now go refill the cotton candy machine before killing your next batch of people, would you? We're all out of 'El Purple Fantastico'."
another phone in quitter and the first time we see Jenkins catchphrase of "Oh Bloody Hell"
Uh, hi, Doc Vahz? Yeah, hi. This is Jenkins. We met last week at the henchman picnic?
Right, the one whose skull hat had the missing left incisor. Quite a memory you've got there, a-heh...*ahem*.
Well thanks, sir, you were pretty memorable too. *uncomfortable pause* I was calling to...well, first I wanted to let you know that I got those livers.
Yep...well, no, actually, I went ahead and got 14, rather than the even dozen, because one was from a kid and kind of small, and another was from a homeless guy who really reeked of whisky so I thought it might be kind of iffy.
Th...thank you, sir. You, uh, have great initiative too. *pause*
Well no, actually, that wasn't the only reason I called...jeez, this is awkward...anyway, I hate to do this, I know we've got that medical convention to raid and harvest from next month, but I'm gonna have to give my 2 weeks notice.
Yeah, I really have to.
I really don't think I can change my mind, no sir.
Why? Well...it's a lot of things, sir, personal issues, nothing against the cause or the organization of course.
What issues? Well...it's...it's the flies, sir. I can't take it anymore; if I have to hear that buzzing for one more day, I'm going to snap and blow up a preschool or something.
N-no, not as a quick way to get the organs, sir...just out of frustration.
Right. So...I was figuring on a week from Thursday as my last day. Will that work for you?
Great. Hey, listen, I really appreciate you being so understanding about all this.
Hm? Liver?
Oh, sure, the livers I harvested...right, I can either drop them off, or you can have Igor stop by my place, whichever.
Wha...? Not the ones I harvested? I'm afraid I don't und...
MY liver? No, see, I'm going to need MY liv-
Doc Vahz? Are you there? HELLO?!?!
Oh, bloody hell.
Jenkins: Huh? Oh HEY, Frostfire! I thought you got arres-...er, I heard...uh...crazy weather this week huh?
Frostfire: *glares* Whaddyawant, New Guy? I'm not having a real red-letter day, and I'm not in the mood for noob BS.
Jenkins: Well, I wanted to drop this off...*holds up sheet of paper*...didn't expect you to be here, sorry to be a bother and all that...*uses toe to nervously chip at two-foot-thick layer of ice on floor*
Frostfire: Well what is it? Spit it out for chrissake; I'm on my way down to the half-pipe room.
Jenkins: It's, uh, a letter of resignation.
Frostfire: ...
Jenkins: I can just leave it on your desk if you want.
Frostfire: A LETTER OF RESIGNATION?? What the hell do you think this is, IB-[censored]-M?!? Jeee-ZUS, no wonder the heroes get in here all the time; I'm surrounded by complete headcases.
Jenkins: Okay, so...no letter, I get it. Is there a form I'm supposed to fill out or something, then?
Frostfire: NO, THERE IS NO [censored] FORM !!
Jenkins: ...there's no need to shout.
Frostfire: ...
[increasingly uncomfortable pause]
Frostfire: You're right, noob. You're absolutely right.
Jenkins: Really?
Frostfire: Really. Tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna think about your request, and then come let you know. You just wait right...*melts ice around Jenkins' feet, watches him sink 2 feet...re-freezes ice*...here.
Jenkins: Er...thanks...
Frostfire: Yep. And I'll even get some friends to hang with you while I'm gone. *summons fire imps*
Jenkins: ...uh...I don't...uh...
Frostfire: You sit tight, and when I get back, I'll tell you what I think about your Letter of Resig-[censored]-nation, okay sh*t-for brains? Great. Lates.
[Frostfire leaves; fire imps advance.]
Jenkins: Frostfire? Uh...FROST, MAN, seriously...this is SO not cool...well, bloody hell.
Lookit 'im go! Go, Muad_Dib, GO!
I really should have saved the ones I did. I'll root around, and see if I can find them. Pretty sure I didn't save them, though.
Viva la Jenkins!
WinXPPro @ GF7800 @ SBLive! @ Copperhead @ Cable
Who am I? Check here.
Villain: Uh
Lieutenant?
Knives Lt.: What is it now, Butchie?
Villain: Well, I want to be discharged. Id like to be a civilian villain again.
Lt.: No one gets out
regulations. May I ask why you want out?
Villain: There are so many reasons
Like these stupid night vision goggles. Why do I have to wear them again?
Lt.: Regs; theyre part of the uniform.
Villain: But its daytime! Cant I take them off just for right now?
Lt.: No, cause then youd be out of uniform, Butchie.
Villain: Oh! And thats another thing! All the girls call me Butchie. Thats NOT my name you know!
Lt.: (snickering) Yes, but it fits dont you think?
Villain: *sigh* I had hoped it wouldnt come to this but if itll get me out
I have a confession to make.
Lt.: A confession?
Villain: I lied on my application
*drops pants* Im really a guy!
Lt.: *stares quietly for a few seconds* Well, Butchie, the thing is no one gets out, and um
*draws knife* youre out of uniform
Villain: *GULP*
Jenkins: Say, you haven't seen Colonel Duray around anywhere, have you?
Engineer: Not lately, why?
Jenkins: I've been trying to give my two-weeks notice for the last month or so. I tried to give it to a porter, once, but he just kept laughing and teleporting behind boxes and around corners.
Engineer: Yeah, I hate those guys. You strap a million dollars worth of alien technology to their back, and suddenly they're too good to walk three feet.
Jenkins: Yeah, and that little "power pose" thing they do when they teleport bugs me, too. You know, you don't NEED to do that. I tried a porterpack once. There's a button.
Engineer: Heh. Friggin' drama queens.
*a hero runs by*
Engineer: Oh, crap! Hang on a second!
*engineer puts down a force field generator, then hides behind some crates with Jenkins*
Engineer: So anyway, you mind if I go looking for Duray with you? I'm not really needed here. Putting down those things is about all I'm good for.
Jenkins: Sure, whatever. Two eyes are better than one, I guess.
Engineer: Er, four.
Jenkins: For what?
Engineer: Looking. Duh.
*Jenkins and engineer walk on, an awkward silence falls upon them. Eventually they come across a jumpbot*
Jumpbot: HEY, GUYS!
Jenkins: Hey, Jumpbot.
Jumpbot: HOW'S IT GOING?
Jenkins: Good, I guess. We're off to see Duray.
Jumpbot: SUPER! MIND IF I TAG ALONG?
Engineer: Don't let him, man. Those guys give me the creeps.
Jenkins: Oh, have a heart.
Jumpbot: THAT'S JUST WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR!
Jenkins: Okay, I call no skipping.
Engineer: What?
Jumpbot: I GET IT!
*toto yips happily and skitters around their feet*
Jenkins: "Hi there, sir. I was wondering if I could talk to you. ...Is this a bad time?
Agony Mage: "No, no. Not at all."
Glowing, Floaty Victim: "Help... me..."
Agony Mage: "Quiet, you. What can I do for you, generic guard #35?"
Jenkins: "Well, I mean, I think it's time I looked for new job opportunities."
Agnoy Mage: "Aww. I'm sorry to hear that, generic guard #35."
Jenkins: "You know, I have a name. It's... *sigh* forget it."
Agony Mage: "Hey! What if we infused an ancient spirit in your body, and turned you into something GREAT? Would that make you change your mind?"
Jenkins: "Did... did you have something specific in mind?"
Agony Mage: "Let me answer your question with one of my own- How do you feel about having cloven feet and some badass wings?"
Jenkins: "It's funny you mention wings, sir. I have an interview at KFC tomorrow, and... well, they have a better dental plan..."
Glowing, Floaty Victim: "I don't want to die!"
Agony Mage: "Just close your eyes! GOD- It's always 'me, me, me' with you!"
Jenkins: "Yeah, man! People are talking here.... rude. Anyway- It's been great enchanting people with evil curses, and opening those hell portals is always good for a laugh, but overall the job is not as rewarding as I had hoped it would be. I mean, just the other day I had a hero come by and punch me in the GROIN just because I was standing next to some ancient artifact he wanted. Then the jerk just SMASHED the thing. I really don't think people respect us, or our personal property. That's not really a promising sign for a gang."
Agony Mage: "Well, we hate to lose you, generic guard #35."
Jenkins: "Hey- can I get one of those cool thorn sword things before I go? As a memento?"
Agony Mage: "Sorry. We really don't GIVE OUT our sinister idols of mystical power. It's a 'regulations and loss prevention' thing."
Jenkins: "Gotcha. Well, you're busy- I'm gonna go. Thanks for everything."
Glowing, Floaty Victim: "IS NOBODY GOING TO HELP ME?!"
Agony Mage: "Chant us up sometime if you change your mind, #35."
Jenkins: "Sure... just don't hold your breath, okay?"
in this one we see Jenkins has a, well lets say strange attachment to the Kraken
Jenkins: So how's your sushi?
Kraken: Brrbrllr.
Jenkins: Look we need to talk...
Kraken: brrbl?
Jenkins: Yeah, well, you see, when we first met it was great. Walks in the park. Watching the sun set from the docks, flaying the bejesus out of heros...
Kraken: Brbllbrrr!
Jenkins: It was great but, well, since these...things...started, you know those blobs you see around the lake now? it's been cutting into our 'private moments'.
Kraken: Brrbl. Brraaaaghle-bub.
Jenkins: I know you didn't invite them.
Krakem: Graghle-pop.
Jenkins: Look it's not you, it's me. I don't know, the two of us together are - well were - great but I need more than just sitting in the middle of the lake every day. Besides, I hardly see you any more.
Kraken: Ploop. Ghraha-phhht.
Jenkins: I know you're busy, and I don't expect you to stay home all the time. I just need more. Besides, you're a cephalopod and I'm ...not.
Kraken: Ghraghllllel!
Jenkins: I am not a racist!
Kraken: Ghralk. Shhhhhhhhlop.
Jenkins: Now you know that's not true! I gave up squid and octopus for you!
Kraken: Yupple-ghragh.
Jenkins: Look, let's not make a scene.
Tsoo Waiter: Is there a problem with the squid sir?
Jenkins: Yes, I mean no! The food's fine.
Tsoo Waiter: I would honorably commit seppuku if the rice offends.
Jenkins: No the rice is fine...
Kraken: Yughyougle-blup.
Jenkins: Now there is no need to be rude, he's just doing his job.
Kraken: <plop>
Tsoo Waiter: And the Wasabi, is it fresh enough?>
Jenkins: Look, I think we just need to get our bill.
Tsoo Waiter: Ah, I have offended and caused disharmony. <Pulls out wakizashi>
Jenkins: No please, don't go to any trouble...
Tsoo Waiter: I go to meet my honorable ancestors! <snik>
Jenkins: Okay I don't know what I should tip for that.
Kraken: Grahahaha, shhlup. <begins to sob>
Jenkins: Look, honey I know you'll meet someone else. Look, I... there's this guy in Independence Port I know. You two would hit it off so well. Mind you he's a salt-water piscene and you like fresh water....
Jenkins: Pyre you got a sec?
Pyre: Whadddaya want kid?
Jenkins: Uh yea, kid... Right. You know I've been with the Hellions for like, two days right?
Pyre: Sure yeah.
Jenkins: So you realize I could kick you butt already right?
Pyre: Hellions Rule! Ya got any bactine?
Jenkins: Uh no. You don't rule. You suck actually.
Pyre: What? I'm gonna roast you alive!
Jenkins: Yeah right. I'm real scared of a bunch of guys who have a fifty/fifty chance of winning a tug of war with a eighty year old grandmother.
Pyre: Watch yer mouth or I'll...
Jenkins: You'll what? Light a match and fart? Geez you guys are numbskulls...
Pyre: We are not Skulls!
Jenkins: See? You're dumb as a sack of hammers! I mean, what kind of gang claims their 'territory' around the two places with the most superheroes around? Really, Atlas and Galaxy? Might as well wear a sign around your neck that says 'cuff me'.
Pyre: I'm warning you ...
Jenkins: Oooo I'm scared, see this? <holds up red cannister>
Pyre: Now wait a second there...
<Jenkins sprays down Pyre with fire extinguisher>
Jenkins: Yeah big bad ganger with super powers. I can go buy more fireworks at the 7-11 down the street, ya wimp....
Joining the Praetoreans part 5: Dominatrix and her Leather Clad Minions
You: Excuse me, mistress?
Dominatrix: Yes?
You: Yes, we had an appointment at 3pm?
Dominatrix: OH!!! Of course, come in here and let me get a look at those rosy...hey! Your dressed!
You: So sorry, mistress, I thought this was a preliminary interview...
Dominatrix: Great, they will send me someone who washes their hands next....what is it your applying for?
You: Well, they said my next step to becoming an AV was to be one of your gimps in the leather suit for a week?
Dominatrix: WHAT DID YOU CALL MY SERVANTS!?!?!? You just got yourself 2 days in the colostomy room mister!
You: I am not sure I can stomache asking what that would entail...
Dominatrix: I will BREAK you of your inhibitions! My servants will begin this process by...cleansing you of your normal sensations. Once you have proven you have become sensually "in touch" with our goals, then you can progress from basic training to our standard practices.
You frantically try to think of a way to get out of this disgusting fetish torture chamber...
You: (/em begins biting self in the armpit and spanking self with a pirouette type of motion)
Dominatrix: Hmmm...I am mildly amused. Congratulations, you have managed to save yourself from the basic tutorial. Now step into my office for your first training session, and lose those horrible garments!
You: (/em grins really big, and stares at Domintarix's pulcritude) Yes'm Miss Daisy, I'sa be strippin! (/em slowly swaggers backwards while unbuttoning the top buttons of his corturoy butterfly collar shirt, releasing the scent of Drakkar with a tinge of Brut, winks one eye, makes a kissing motion with his lips through his thick moustache)
Dominatrix turns around and claps her hands toward the closet...
Dominatrix: Hanz! Jensen! Huber! You 3 big boys, put on your high heels and take a couple of Viagra, I need you to initialize a "carborator" for the engine room, and tell Darrel we will be running an H pipe with glass packs for the exhaust!
You/em GULP!) Erm...Mistress...can I have a couple of my Oxycontin, I have a note from my doctor...
Dominatrix: Silence worm!
yes, it is part 5, these are in the order of the original posts
Ok since no one started this thread before me,I shall. Anyone have the old stories we want them here too. Anyone wanting to add to the Conspiracy we encourage that as well. The larger Jenkins becomes the harder it will be to ignore the badge issue.