Jenkins: Uh, hi guys, you wanted to see me?
Tsoo Sorcerer: Yes. You have returned from your assigned duties and yet we have not seen the weapons you were sent to procure.
Jenkins: Yeah, about that, ya see...
Mr. Wu: Silence! You have failed us!
Jenkins: Actually, if you look at this in...
Hang-Chu: Silence! You have brought dishonor upon you ancestors!
Jenkins: I actually I don't even know who my dad was, so technically....
Lei-Wang: Silence! The traditional recompense must be made! You must cut off your own finger.
Jenkins: There was this girl see, and she was wearing this tight little... sorry who cuts what off?
Mr. Wu: You. Finger. Off. Now.
Jenkins: Now wait a minute...
Lei-Wang: Silence!
Jenkins: And what's this 'traditional' stuff Hang-Chu, or should I say 'Steve'. You grew up two blocks from me, the only Japanese tradition you know is Pokemon and those drawing of kitten girls with big...
Hang-Chu: SILENCE!
Mr. Wu: Regardless of when the tradition started...
Jenkins: .. last Thursday...
Mr. Wu: It is still a tradition. And Traditions must be respected!
<Eagle Warrior pulls out Sai while Jenkins' arm is pinned to the table by the Sorcerer>
Jenkins: Hey, Mr Mystic, you can cast a spell that grows it back right?
Tsoo Sorcerer: No.
Jenkins: Damn, looks like I'm going back to the Freakshow after all....
<shunk!>
Headman Blaster: Where are the weapons you were sent to take for the greater glory of the Lost.
Jenkins: Uh, yeah, about those weapons. ( looks down at floor)...
Headman Blaster: SPIT IT OUT, JENKINS
Jenkins: well, ya see, my old college room mate, Matt, worked there and we got to talking and he was real upset that I was down on my luck, so to speak.
Headman Blaster: I don't think I like where this is going.
Jenkins: Anyway, long story short, Matt said they were hiring and I could crash on his couch until I got my own place.
Headman Blaster: ( Glares )
Jenkins: Soooo, I'll just be going now If that's all right with you.
Headman Blaster: ( Chuckles evily ) I'm ok with it but you gotta clear it with the big boss.
Jenkins: Oh, hey there Mr. Rector I didn't notice your hugely mishapen, sinister form lurking in those there shadows ( em/ nervous chuckle ). Listen I gotta get up early for my new job, so I'll just be...ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Jenkins walks into a back alley, munching on a bag of Cheetos. He peers into the shadows looking for the man named "Alpha Bravo Niner Niner-037 Primus III, Jr."
Catching a glimpse of a gun barrel pointed at him out of the shadows, he calls out.
Jenkins: So...ahhhh, here we are.
Malta Operative: Get to the point!
Jenkins: Well, it's something like this. I signed on with you guys after that stint with the Banished Pantheon. I was a little bit frustrated because of the non-stop train of fire blasters who kept PLing themselves at my expense. To be honest I'm not sure all of those burns have healed yet. I've got this really painful one...
Malta Operative: You're wandering again.
Jenkins: Right, sorry. So I joined up with you guys, and you had all the makings of what a really top notch group of super villains should be like--
Malta Operative: We're not villains. We're securing the global order into capable hands.
Jenkins: Right, silly me, I forget. In any case, I may have been a bit hasty. The problem is I expected to get a lot of travel to exotic locations, extinct volcanoes, you name it, and I've been stuck ambushing heroes with my teleporter in Peri--
Malta Operative: Do I know you?
Jenkins: Huh? Of course you--
Malta Operative: I'm sorry, I don't think we've ever met.
Jenkins: Are you kidding me? You were my unit commander with the Malta for over a year!
Malta Operative: You must have me mistaken for somebody else. I'm sorry, I've never heard of this Malta group. Do they do real estate?
Jenkins: Somebody Else...? NEVER HEARD OF IT!!! You've got two Zeus class War Mechs standing right behind you!
Malta Operative: Sorry you confused me with someone else. Great weather we've been having recently, isn't it?
Jenkins watches in disbelief as he finds himself alone, trying to figure out what just happened. 'Those incorrigible bastards,' he thinks to himself. 'I wonder if that means my resignation is accepted? Man, maybe Statesman hit me in the head harder than I thought. Did I imagine the whole Malta thing...why are my Cheetos ticking?'
Jenkins quits the 5th Column just in time it seems:
Jenkins: "Hey, boss."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "That's 'sir', soldier."
Jenkins: "Sorry. Hey, boss sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "What can I do for you, Jenkins?"
Jenkins: "It's about the job, sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Ah, yes. You've been doing good work, Jenkins- patrolling random areas of our underground bases- for what we assume is you just being thorough- making sure that the officers have their spandex uniforms washed without fading... all kinds of good things. That's why we're considering YOU for the big promotion."
Jenkins: "About that thorough patrolling... well, sir... I just, uh, I get lost in those underground bases."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "You... get lost."
Jenkins: "You guys have a LOT of bunkers that serve no purpose in there- and paths that lead nowhere. Did you know that? One day I opened a door to a dead end. What is THAT about?"
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Well, we... you know, I'll be damned- We DO have a lot of useless crap in our bases."
Jenkins: "I just think I'd be better off standing around in a werehouse somewhere, punching my hand into my fist, sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Those positions are filled Jenkins. We need specially trained men for that. Not just ANYONE gets THOSE positions."
Jenkins: "Yeah... well, I'm also allergic to the Warwolves, sir. So, I started hanging out with the Vampyri. That... was unpleasant as well. They're... well, their bitey. I think I'm just going to quit. It's been a good run, but I'm not cut out for this thing. Besides, I hear some 'Council' is planning a hostile takeover, and I'd rather get out before I have to adapt to new management."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "Well, we hate to see you go, Jenkins. You were truly a great soldier, and a credit to the Reich."
Jenkins: "...I'll take that as a compliment, sir. Many Jewish guys wouldn't. I'll just be heading off now."
Galaxy: "Excuse me, My soldiers and I are looking for the 5th Column base."
Jenkins: "This is the spot. I'll leave these guys to you, sir."
Nebel Elite Unteroffizer: "...uhh..."
Jenkins: "See you guys later! Have a good one, sir."
*Jenkins walks out of the base, blissfully ignorant of the sounds of energy blasts and machine gun fire*
Deathcap: No longer shall we be prey to the evils of man!!! No longer shall we... huh? What do you want?
Jenkins: Ummm, hi... Jenkins here. I hate to interrupt the "evils of man" speech, but I really have got to go now. I really dig the earth and all, but I really don't have this green thumb thing going.
Herder: But man is EVIL!! Do you not realize that?
Jenkins: yeah yeah yeah... man is bad, yeah... can I go now? I have a BBQ to get to now at 5 p.m. and the main course is being served over an open pit fire...err... ::herders swarm around Jenkins:: ::Jenkins points in the distance:: LOOK!! BEEKEEPERS!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, SWARMS!!!!
*Jenkins runs like a bat outta hell while the swarms flee*
it would seem those Televisions the Lost wear aren't just for show:
Leaving the Lost
Service representative: Direct TV, how may I help you today?
Jenkins: I'd like to cancel my service.
Service rep: I would be happy to help you with that sir, but I would like you to know about our special package where you can recieve two premiu...
Jenkins: That's really quite alright. I would just like to get this over with.
Service Rep: No problem sir. I'll take of this right away for you. Could I just have I just have the address at which you recieve service?
Jenkins: Uh... well... it's on my head.
Service Rep: Oh, I see. Well how about the account number, sir?
Jenkins: 778899, I believe...
Service Rep: If you could just hold on a second will I pull this up, sir?
*Jazz version of Kelly Clarkson plays for almost five minutes*
Sir, are you still there? I'm afraid the account is under the name of a Mr. Rector. Mr. Aberrant Rector, sir. I am afraid he will have to be the one to call to discontinue service.
Is there anything else I can help you with today?
its called rightsizing:
Jenkins walks up to the cold rock wall, and places his hand on a small protrusion. The reinforced cave door slides open, instantly filling the air with the buzz of machinery. Jenkins makes his way through the bustling soldiers, and into a small office. A hazy orange hue fills the room, flickering every now and again, as monitors scroll through various images. On one side of the room, a pale man sits, waiting.
Nosferatu: Please, have a seat.
Jenkins: Uh
Thats OK. I just
Nosferatu: Sit!
Jenkins takes a seat.
A few large Nebel soldiers walk in, and begin to dismantle portions of the computers, and carry them out the door.
Jenkins: Whats going on here?
Nosferatu: Im currently not at liberty to say. On the other hand, I have a proposition for you. Youve done well so far, and I have another assignment for you.
Jenkins: Actually
Nosferatu: Silence! I think you might be ready for the Vampyri promotion.
A squad of Nacht soldiers enter, dismantle a few railings, tables and grates, and carry them out the door.
Jenkins curiously watches, until theyre gone: Really? Thats the one with the best denta- wait
Im here to resig
Nosferatu hands Jenkins a sheet of paper: Go see this guy. Hell fill you in on the rest.
Several MekMen enter, lift Nosferatus desk, and carry it out. The remaining two MekMen lift Nosferatu in his chair, and follow the others.
Jenkins glances down at the paper, and scratches his head: What the?
A Warwolf lumbers into the room and swipes the chair out from under Jenkins, and carries it out of the barren office.
Jenkins even broke out of jail before a lot of us could:
Jenkins: Hey Smelly Pete, have you got a second?
Chains: For Chris'ake Prisoner #102-409, Smelly Pete is the one over there with the Bandana!! Gawd, you noobs never get it right. For the last time, I'm Chains.
Jenkins: Yea ... sorry bout that Chains. You know, the orange jumpers look great, and I can't really complain about the company-sponsored cafeteria...
Chains: I sure can. That meatloaf last night blew chunks.
Jenkins: Yea, it was kinda weak. Anyway. It's been great here, working on the whole prisoner economy program, trading cigarettes for candy, carving shanks out of combs...
Chains: You're quitting aren't you?
Jenkins: Well yea. I mean, that fence. It's not really doing anything for me. The heroes come in here and beat the everloving crap out of us... and the worst part, they just do it for fun! And the fence, it's not even keeping us IN the Zig. Half of us prisoners are hanging around -OUTSIDE- the fence, like we have nowhere better to go, and...
Chains: Well do you? You really have somewhere better to go?
Jenkins: You bet your bright orange [censored] I do. See that building there?
Chains: The brown one?
Jenkins: No, the slightly less brown one, with the water tower on the roof. Yea. That's my freaking apartment. So look, here's my last pack of smokes. You can sell em, trade them for some softcore porn.. I really don't care.
Chains: Wooo! Game's over losers! I have ALL the smokes!
Jenkins: Sure. Anyway. I'm just gonna hop the fence and go home now. Thanks for.. you know. Not... when I dropped the soap.
Chains: No problem.. you would have done the same for .... Hey wait! You can't go! We're all planning a breakout next week and..
Jenkins: You don't f**king get it do you? You just have to JUMP THIS STUPID FENCE!! Look, Smelly Pete is out harassing old ladies. You mean to tell me he's going to come home for dinner?! You guys are just screwed. I'm outta here.
*Jenkins fumbles with the fence, losing his footing a few times*
Jenkins: Oh Chains.. one more thing. Could you give me a boost?
Chains: ...
who knew the Ritki were British?
Jenkins: *knock knock and peers inside a room* Um, boss? Do you have a minute?
Chief Soldier: Why, Jenkins old chap! Why don't you come in and have a cup of tea with me!
Jenkins: Um..sure, boss. I actually wanted to talk to you about something. *sits down in a chair in front of his boss' desk*
Chief Soldier: What is it young man? Take down some lovely heroes today? Oh do tell! *sips his tea*
Jenkins: Well, not exactly sir, you see.. Um, I wanted to talk to you about how my job is going. I mean, all of you guys are great..the Headmen, the Drones..but I just don't think the job of Monkey is working for me.
Chief Soldier: Would you like some crumpets? *motions to the maid* Dear! Get us some crumpets will you?
Jenkins:....what I'm trying to say boss, is that hopping around with those monkeys..it just isn't working for me. I'm tired of shaving my body until I look like a hairless rat, tired of bouncing around and flaing my arms like I'm at a rock concert, minus the rock! And the psychic thing..I just can't get it to work. Plus pink isn't the greatest for a manly man like me.. *looks around nervously*
Chief Soldier: *rubbing his chin* I see how it is, chap. Being and underling is hard. I'll talk to my cronies and see what I can do, maybe promote you to drone.
Jenkins: But sir...that's not really what I had in mind..
Chief Soldier: Oh pish posh!
the Roque Robots have a sense of humor. who knew?
Jenkins: Hey guys, how are you doing?
Rogue Wolfpack Mark II: Expression of surprise, Unit J3-NK1-NS, I had come to the logical conclusion that you were not going to show up for our meeting.
Jenkins: Whys that?
Rogue Wolfpack Mark II: You are 3.0572 seconds late. My calculations showed a high probability that you had been disabled.
Jenkins: Nah, Im good. Sorry about taking so long, but I had to leave the base. Did you know there arent any washrooms in here? It took me almost an hour to figure it out. Anyway, Im ready now, so what did you want to talk to me about?
Rogue Wolfpack Mark II: We've discovered you are organic. Youre being terminated.
Jenkins: Figures. The first job where I feel like I can really connect with my peers, and they decide to give me the can.
Rogue Wolfpack Mark II: Query. Can?
Jenkins: Yeah, you know. Getting fired. Dismissal. Termination of employment and all that jazz.
Rogue Wolfpack Mark II: Expression of understanding, I was actually referring to a different kind of termination.
* Rogue Wolfpack Mark II puts on a pair of shades and raises its weapon arm with cannon primed *
Jenkins: Bloody hell . . .
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: Ah! B.A. Support Unit 42! You're not scheduled for duty until tomorrow. How can I help you?
Jenkins: Er, you can just call me Jenkins, sir.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: Jenkins? Are you becoming self-aware, Unit 42?
Jenkins: No. Well, I am, but that's because I'm a human being.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: A human being? You're twelve feet tall and made of metal!
Jenkins: Close. They're cardboard refrigerator boxes. I spraypainted them silver. You can kinda tell up-close, but from a distance..
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: That's remarkable!
Jenkins: Yeah. Well, it's a long story. Suffice to say, a series of wacky and contrived events happened, then I dressed in a robot suit made out of silver fridge boxes and you guys hired me.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: How much did those boxes set you back?
Jenkins: What? Nothing, really. I just hung out behind a department store for a while.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: Really? We're paying our contractor a half-mil PER unit, and you're telling me we could build Hercules-Class Titans for FREE?
Jenkins: Well, yeah, if you want all your Herc Titans to be guys in crudely-painted cardboard boxes.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: I dunno.. You did an excellent job on the masking. Are those buttons painted on, too?
Jenkins: Yeah.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: ... Have you ever considered a career in art?
Jenkins: Not really, but that's kinda why I'm here. I want to quit.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: Really? Why?
Jenkins: It's B.A. Support Unit 23, sir. I think it loves me.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: ... What?
Jenkins: Yeah, I know how it sounds. You remember that last mission we were on?
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: Kidnapping that diplomat?
Jenkins: Yep. Well, we'd just stuffed him in this really big sack when some heroes showed up. They beat me up pretty bad, sir.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: Well, no wonder. You're a guy in a cardboard robot suit.
Jenkins: Anyway, I was down to like, 20% health, so I stumbled around a corner to hide.
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: 20% health? Why so specific? How could you tell?
Jenkins: ... I dunno, I just was. So, I was around the corner, when suddenly Unit 23 LEAPS ON MY BACK and starts shouting about how we need to "Combine to form a Zeus."
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: That's standard operating procedure, Jenkins. Hercs are programmed to do that.
Jenkins: Maybe so, but..
*SUDDENLY a Hercules-Class Titan SMASHES through the wall*
B.A. Support Unit 23: MY SENSORS DETECT A DAMAGED HERCULES-CLASS UNIT! INITIATE ZEUS PROTOCOL!
Jenkins: Oh, crap! it's here! See?!
Aqualung Black 4-6-4: It's just looking after your best interests, Jenkins. You do look kinda damaged.
B.A. Support Unit 23: OH YEAH, BABY! LET ME ZEUS YOU UP!
good or bad, this one i will take credit for:
Dreck: ah Jenkins, good to see. what can i do for you?
Jenkins: well, i kinda was thinking of leaving and....i don't know, open a junkyard
Dreck: But we need you here. you are important to us.
Jenkins: Important?! I have to feed a grown man his meals because he decided to be Chumpion....
Dreck: Uh, that's Champion.
Jenkins: Whatever. Look, it's been fun and i enjoy having this big [censored] hammer for an arm....hmmm, maybe a job in construction?
Dreck: What? And while I am at it, if you quit then you won't be able to participate in our Freaklympics.
Jenkins: You mean the ones we have every other week and the heroes always bust up. Yeah, no thanks. Listen, its been fun but I gotta go.
Hero 1: I've come to farm Dreck!
Jenkins: Fine. Whatever.
Poor Jenkins even tries to get the help of Positron:
Jenkins: Hey there, Mr. Positron?
Positron: ... I suggest you leave, Villain.
Jenkins: Well that's kind of why I'm here. I need some help.
Positron: This had better be good. I woke up this morning and had to clear 957 "OMG THE LAG" messages from my Inbox. I'm not in a good mood.
Jenkins: Here's the thing. I've been a part of every villain group in the city. Some of them twice.
Positron: Yes, The Freedom Phalanx has noted this in their archives.
Jenkins: Yea. Anyway, the whole 'Villain' thing just isn't working out for me. I don't know if I'm really evil enough. Ritual sacrifice makes me gag, and so do the sewers. And yesterday, a 2.5 tonne Mech tried to mate with me.
Positron: Yes, I can see where that might be a problem.
Jenkins: So umm... I'm thinking I should try a hand at herowork for a while.
Positron: Excellent. But I'm not the person you want to talk to about that. Head to Atlas Park.. Ms. Liberty should be around.
Jenkins: Wow... Thanks Positron!
*Jenkins happily walks away. Positron flips open his shiny wrist communicator*
Positron: Hey Task Force Robust.. yea, look, there's been a change of plans. There's a villain heading to Yellow Line right now, I think he's high or something - seemed really confused. Could you do me a favour and ambush him?
Well we all have to start somewhere:
Jenkins:Hey what's up guys. I was looking for the boss?
Contaminated Slicer
IE!!!
Contamiated Thug:I'll kill you ALL!!!
Contaminated Scavanger:Oh...my head...
Jenkins: Um....yeah....anyway, it seems like there are no crime bosses out here directing this craziness. I have been here for a week, and all I see are police drones and those burnt out Rikti drones getting beat down by noobs, anyone know who our Contaminated Leader really is?
Contaminated SlicerIE!!!
Contamiated Thug:I'll kill you ALL!!!
Contaminated Scavanger:I need a 7up...
Jenkins: Hmmmm....I am in the right place aren't I? That guy Tyrant said I had just what it takes to be an AV...and this is the best place to start?
Contaminated Scavanger: Hehe....Tyrant...
Jenkins: Hey! You aren't a drooling retard like these other guys! You seem more like a washed up drunken hobo!
Contaminated Scavanger: That's right, Jenkins. Scavanger is not a term used to identify a violent criminal like "thug" or "slicer", a scavanger is one who feasts on the leftovers of other's frivolous activities. Thus could be said about buzzards in the wild, or homeless lazy gimps like myself in the city. Anyone who spends their first day around here could identify that strange use of terms when referring to aggressive maniacs. Hence, in order to do my job properly (based upon my given title), I sift through these trash cans and dumpsters looking for food. Sadly, all I can find is backwash in the bottom of MD 20/20 and Old English bottles. Ick...Hehe...but your the gimp here, Jenkins.
Jenkins: Hrah???
Contaminated Scavanger: Tyrant sent you here? to TRAIN? HAHAHAHA you suck...he played you for a fool. He sent you to a feminist rally wearing a "Hooters" T shirt, he sent you to the police station with a fat spliff tucked behind your ear, he sent you to a Puddle of Mudd concert with a sign that says "this band doesn't suck!", he...
Jenkins: OK OK...I have been had. But why the hell are you here?
Contaminated SlicerIE!!!
Contamiated Thug:I'll kill you ALL!!!
Contaminated Scavanger: Don't hate the player, Jenkins....hate the game.
First days on the job always suck. For Jenkins, they tended to really suck. This new job was already proving to be a pain in the butt, well make that back. His lower back had begun to spasm from being confined to such a tiny space; his new "office".
Not only was this new job boring, but his office had sprung a leak. His pants and shoes were smudged from maroon rust and his new tie (Jenkins spent $14 for it at Macy's) had black oil drops from a broken gasket above his head.
His coworkers weren't very chatty either. They each sat alone, their cogs would occassionally spin or an errant ocular probe would point in his direction. But for the most part they all sat there in the dark, in silence. Boy did Jenkins hate working with robots. "You guys see that new movie with Madeleine Casey?" The word Casey echoed inside their tiny office. "Casey - casey - casey..."
"Eh...I'll just eat my sandwich." Jenkins mumbled to himself as he unwrapped his turkey and swiss. One of his colleagues, a tiny rusty bot with forks for hands, deftly snatched the discarded aluminum foil and welded it to the sprung gasket of their office.
Weird, but atleast the oil wasn't dripping on Jenkins anymore.
"So what exactly is our job, anyways?" And still the little robots refused to speak to him. Jenkins was prepared to ask another question when suddenly the room boomed with a defeaning series clangs and loud thumps! It sounded like a freight train running into a refrigerator! Jenkins felt car sickness as exterior momentum threw his compartment upwards before slamming him and the robots back into the ground. He held himself in place, pushing his hands into the oil slicked walls, when suddenly the entire space grew incredibly hot! Gas fumes and smoke began to make Jenkins cough. He held his tie to his mouth to filter the acrid odor.
"Cough. What the heck?" Jenkins choked as the entire space was again tossed horizontally and green dripping shards of organic bone sliced through his office walls, ripping his work shirt and pinning him by the collar. "Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez!"
"Time to go to work.", the tiny robots said in creepy unison.
"Oh! Now you decide to talk!?" Jenkins screamed before a spark of electricity jolted him out of his tin-can office. He stood from his crouched position. It was nighttime. Somehow he was on a highway in Skyway City. Burning, mechanical rubble lay scattered all around him and the trio of miniscule robot co-workers were busy launching electrical blasts into a team of eight, obviously pissed off, superheroes.
He regarded his boss, a giant rusty robot, who now lay in a smoking heap at his feet. The eight heroes, one of them a monstrous beast covered with dripping, razor sharp spines, quickly finished off the tiny bots and turned their eyes towards him.
"Well this just sucks..."
Jenkins joins Arachnos and we see why we have to save his dumb butt in Breakout:
Jenkins: "I'm not so sure about this."
Arachnos Pilot: "Stop being a wimp. You want to bust this fellow ne'er do-well out, or NOT?"
Jenkins: "WHICH ONE?! The initial blast was supposed to free ONE GUY- not ALL of these villains! I mean, look at THAT guy with half his face missing! Was HE the guy we were after? Can't we just put him on the jet and GO?"
Arachnos Pilot: "No, he's not the guy we... oh, sweet JESUS that guy is gross... *ahem* uh, he's not the guy we're after. Besides- YOU screwed up that bombing, not us."
Jenkins: "I've been on the job ONE day! I TOLD you guys I wasn't an explosive expert! But Bob over there said I'd 'get a feel for it real quick'. You [censored], Bob."
Arachnos Soldier: "Yeah, that was my bad. But we're still blaming YOU, Jenkins."
Jenkins: "What? WHY?"
Arachnos Soldier: "...Tenure."
Arachnos Pilot: "Look- there's an easy fix for this problem, Jenkins. We need one more bomb to be set. Here's a map with the strategic location for the bomb's placement."
Jenkins: "You guys really aren't HEARING me. I don't DO bombs. I have NEVER armed a bomb before that last one, and I freed half the Zig by accident! Not that... you know... it's hard to get out of this place. I jumped the fence myself once. Can't we just do that? Jump the fence?"
Arachnos Pilot: "And DITCH the JET? Are you INSANE, Jenkins?! Perhaps you didn't notice that Longbow agent that keeps jumping the fence and SLAUGHTERING people. We're taking the jet out of here, end of discussion. Now get to work, or we'll leave you here in the riot, you lazy bum!"
Jenkins: "Where's the bomb?"
Arachnos Pilot: "Bob has it. Just sneak it in real quick, plant it, and leave. No fuss, no muss."
Jenkins: "What if I'm captured?"
Arachnos Pilot: "You'd have to be REALLY incompetant for THAT to happen, Jenkins. Now take the bomb and run in there."
Jenkins: *holds out hand* "Fine, hand it over, Bob."
*The Arachnos Soldier grunts and huffs as he wheels in a heavy iron hand cart with a large metal barrel sitting on it. There's a powerful detonator attached to it.*
Arachnos Soldier: "Ta-daaa."
Jenkins: "THAT'S the bomb I'm supposed to run in 'real quick'?"
Arachnos Soldier: "Yup. One wheel sticks on this bugger- you have to pull really hard to get anywhere."
*Jenkins starts pulling the handcart away, muttering to himself*
Arachnos Pilot: "THAT'S NITRO IN THERE, JENKINS! DON'T JOSTLE IT AROUND TOO MUCH WHILE YOU'RE PULLING ON IT REALLY HARD!! GOOD LUCK, SOLDIER!"
Arachnos Soldier: "He's dead."
Arachnos Pilot: "Yup. How much you want to bet that I can talk the guy we're busting out into doing the same thing?"
Arachnos Soldier: "Five bucks. Ten if you get him to go after Jenkins."
Arachnos Pilot: "Deal."
The first step is admitting you have a problem:
Moderator: All right, we need to hear from some of the new faces tonight. Who's next? Come on...
Neil: Uhhh....
Moderator: Come on, Neil!
Neil: Ok, ok....My name is Neil, and I'm a Henchman.
All: HELLO, NEIL !!!
Moderator: Tell us your story, Neil.
Neil: Well, I was working a dead end job, like most of you. I thought I was set when I landed that city job, but they posted me in Kings Row on litter detail.
Marty: Ewwww...
Neil: Yeah. So, one day I saw one of those recruitment drives that the gangs have, you know? "Don't be a Nobody, be a Villain!" So I round up my pals Jay and Little Tony and we toss our litter bags under a bridge and go to the Recruitment Warehouse that night. Little Tony was so excited... <BREAKS DOWN>
Moderator: It's ok, Neil. Take as much time as you need.
Neil: <SNNNNFF> So they send Jay to the sewers to see some doctor, because he's 6'3", 250. They send Little Tony to the Clockwork, which was smart, 'cause he's always fixing something. And they make me take some tests, which I crap out on, just like school. The workers are passing around my test and laughing. Next thing you know, I'm sent to the Skulls. They give me a jacket and mask and this teeny knife and call me a Slicer. Tell me to go to this other warehouse somewhere in Downside, near Atlas Park. I can't see out the eyeholes on that mask....
Marty: Take your time, Neil.
Neil: I ain't never gone to Downside. There's nothin' there BUT warehouses! They all look the same to me! I don't get more than two blocks when some clown comes runnin' up the street and starts tenderizin' me with this big club with spikes in it. Calls himself Death Spider, says he's gonna "pwn" me., whatever that means. He's tearin' me up, and the jacket is ripping, which means I get docked a week's pay. I'm rolling on the ground, tryin' to play dead, but he's hittin' me so hard he's jumpin' up in the air.
Marty: They're so cruel.
Who ever heard of a superhero called Death Spider?! They're supposed to round us up and take us to jail, right? <DEEP BREATH> Anyway, I wait an hour for him to leave, and start lookin' fer the right warehouse. It's almost morning before I find the right one. THEN, the clown inside tells me I need to learn a lesson, puts me right inside the first door, gives me a new jacket, and tells me to wave my fist in the air all the time.
Moderator: I see where this is going.
Neil: So my partner at the door says he heard Death Spider is in the area, and I tell him if he shows his head in here I'll take him down real quick. Next thing you know the door comes flyin' open, and this Death Spider dude is on us like moss on a Fungoid, swingin' that hunk of wood.....it was horrible.
Moderator: SO, when did you realize you had enough, Neil?
Neil: I got sent to the hospital last week by GenericHero483. Big green guy with ripped pants and a three day beard, broke seven of my ribs. Skulls don't have a medical plan, you know. I knew I was in trouble when they didn't have a 401 K neither.
Marty: Hard way to go.
Moderator: How about your friends, Neil? Where are they?
Neil: I saw Little Tony last week. He was rootin' around in a big sandpile in the corner of Downside, all shiny, you could barely see his face. The only thing he can say to me is "Target Desinated Neil is here!", over an' over an' over.
Petey: My buddy Dave has a black and white TV for a head. You can't even get in public television on that thing.
Neil: I haven't seen Jay in months. He left a message on my machine a while back, but it was all grunts, couldn't make out a word.
Moderator: That's good for one night, Neil. We'll talk more next time. Now it's time for our group motto before we leave. Everyone repeat after me.
All: I AM A HENCHMAN. I AM POWERLESS OVER MY LACK OF CONFIDENCE. I WILL LEARN TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. THERE IS NO SHORTCUT TO POWER AND RICHES. WAREHOUSES ARE PLACES WHERE GOOD MEN GO BAD. I HAVE MY OWN NAME. IT IS A GOOD NAME. SCIENTISTS WITH MASKS SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN STAND AROUND AND LOOK MENACING.
Moderator: Great job, everyone. Next meeting is in the basement of Cygnus Medical Corp in Kings Row next Tuesday at 7:00.
Marty: I sure know that place.
Jenkins: Um...Hello?
Overseer: <Blinks>
Jenkins: Ummm....yes...well, I love the fact that I can fall off a cliff, no matter how high here, without a scratch, but have you ever noticed there's no ground?
Overseer: <blinks>
Jenkins: Errr...sure...well, I am over the acrophobia thing I had when I first came here, but I don't see how I'm really accomplishing anything here.
OverSeer: <Winks>
Jenkins: Ok, and that really creeps me out too...so...I think I'll...just be going. OK?
Overseer: <Blinks>
Jenkins: OK...bye...seeya...no offense there...<Muttering> I am Sooooo outa here!
Another reason to hate The Hollows:
Jenkins: Hello, I called yesterday about the negotiator position?
Officer Barnes: Yeah! Great! Glad you could make it! *fires a shotgun wildly into the Hollows, maiming a passing blaster*
Jenkins: Sir? I think you just shot...
Officer Barnes: Quiet rookie! You'll need to shape up if you wanna make it through your first assignment!
Jenkins: Well, actually, thats what I wanted to ask you. What IS my first assignment?
Officer Barnes: It's the Trolls Jimmy *shoots down a dove* They took a bunch of officers hostage, and we need you to go take a crack at getting them free.
Jenkins: Uh, the name is Jenkins, sir. Don't you think a hero would be more-
Officer Barnes: The Hero's are off arresting Frostfire right now! You are those men's last, best, and ONLY hope!
Jenkins: Are you sure there isn't a single hero-
Officer Barnes: ARRESTING FROSTFIRE!
Jenkins: Riiight. Well, can I at least get a gun or something? A badge even? I mean, I was just recruited today, and I haven't even been through training...
Officer Barnes: All the badges are being melted down so Citidel can have another upgrade. The guns are all required here, to hold off the oncoming hordes! *a tumbleweed rolls by, and is quickly mowed down in a hail of gunfire*
Jenkins: Right, sure. Umm, could you at least ask for your men to hold their fire till I get over that hill?
Officer Barnes: No can do, cadet! Vigalance must be maintained!
Jenkins: I don't think so! Dead men negotiate no treaties. I'm so out of here...
Officer Barnes: Deserting is it? Well we know what to do with deserters around here, don't we men? We shoot deserters around here. Are you a deserter, Jenkins? Or are you going to go out there and do your duty?
Jenkins looks at the mad grins on the faces of the armed officers: oh, bloody hell
I dont remember seeing this on the Sopranos:
Cue theme:
Woke up this mornin', got yourself a gun...
We see JENKINS in a natty suit, driving along the turnpike in Independence Port. He sings along:
Jenkins: Papa never told you about - right and wrong...
Cell Phone rings. It plays "Gangster's Paradise"
Jenkins: Hello?
Jenkins: Oh, it's you. Yes, I know Warehouse 32. Yes, but...
Jenkins: No, I don't want to question you.
Jenkins: Sure, but Paulie told me to pick up those DVD players coming in, and...
Jenkins: But boss, I really need a DVD...
Jenkins: No, I don't know what my intestines look like.
Jenkins: No, I don't want to find out.
Jenkins: Warehouse 32. Right. I'm on my way.
Interior: Warehouse 32. CONSIGLIERE, in a white suit, waits near a table with a candle and a knife. Men in dark suits, wearing dark glasses despite the dimness of the interior, form a loose circle around him. Two CAPOS flank him.
Consigliere: Jenkins.
Jenkins: What's up, boss? Workin' hard or hardly workin'?
Consigliere: *glares*
Jenkins: Geez, you guys. Great sense of style, no sense of humor.
Consigliere: (to Capo) This is the best we could come up with?
Capo: You should see his resume, boss.
Jenkins: Just don't call the references. They all, uh, don't work there anymore.
Consigliere: Whatever. Jenkins, I need men on the street. Men I can trust.
Jenkins: Do I get to keep the suit?
Consigliere: Today you get something much more important than a suit, Jenkins. Today will change your life.
Jenkins: A DVD player?
Capo: Will you shut up about the DVD player?
Jenkins: A key to the back room of the Bada Bing?
Consigliere: We can look into that.
Jenkins: A cool mafia nickname? 'Cause I gotta say, I've had a lot of crappy code names in these other jobs. I was thinking Joey the Squid.
Capo: You're not even named Joey!
Consigliere: SHUT UP! I'm about ready to shove a squid up both of your pieholes.
Jenkins: (mutters) Nobody told me there were rules about mob names, how was I supposed to..
Consigliere: Jenkins, today you get your button.
Jenkins: A button?
Consigliere: THE button.
Jenkins: Is the button, by any chance, on a DVD player?
Capo: Moron!
Consigliere: Let's try this again. Today you become a made man.
Jenkins: Made with what?
Consigliere: You become part of the Family.
Jenkins: Look, I don't know what your sister told you, but it was just one date. I used protection. And who says that baby's mine anyway?
Consigliere: Not that kind of... WHAT did you say about my sister?!
Jenkins: Er, not your sister. That other guy's. You all wear the same outfits, how am I supposed to tell with the hats and the glasses and...
Consigliere: Nevermind. Shut up. Just.. shut up.
Capo: Want me to get the cement, boss?
Consigliere: Have it handy.
Capo: No problem, boss.
Consigliere: Look, this is a solemn occasion. Today you become part of the Family. With a capital F. A made man. A mobster. You get your button. Capice?
Jenkins: Ohhhhh.
Consigliere: Finally, we're getting somewhere.
Jenkins: Do I get a nickname then?
Consigliere: Yes. (sees Jenkins about to speak) And a DVD player.
Jenkins: SWEET! This is the best job I've ever had.
Consigliere: Once you become a part of the Family, we back you up, and you back us up. (picks up knife)
Jenkins: Uh, what're you going to do with that knife?
Consigliere: You shed your blood to show your loyalty to the Family.
Jenkins: Uhhh...
Consigliere: It's just a little pr*ck.
Jenkins: *snerk*
Capo: Don't mock the ceremony!
Jenkins: But he said it's just a little... Nevermind.
Consigliere: Once you're a a part of the Family, you're blood. You'll die before you'll reveal the secrets of the Family.
Jenkins: Die?
Consigliere: We'll die to defend you. You die to defend us. Your life belongs to the Family.
Jenkins: Er... is there a sort of Family-lite plan? Where I get the suit and the nickname and the key to the strip club without the dying?
Consigliere: And the DVD?
Jenkins: Well, yeah, the DVD.
Consigliere: Ralphie, get the cement.
Capo: With pleasure, boss.
Jenkins: So, guys, we have a deal, right? Guys?
Consigliere: Of course we do, Jenkins. We'll even throw in a new pair of shoes.
Jenkins: Sweet!
Consigliere: From now on, you're Jenkins the Fish. And pretty soon now, you'll be sleeping with them.
well i need to take a break for a few. feel free to add and when i come back i will continue cutting and pasting the Jenkins threads that i have.
Hope you all are enjoying these, we sure did over on the beta boards.
Thank you SO much for saving those!!
Your welcome! and know that i am back from Belgium, had me some of their waffles I will continue with what I have starting with the Blades of Artemis:
Jenkins: <tosses a huge sack down onto the ground> That's it, I QUIT!
Blade of Artemis: What? You can't just quit! You are a part of the conspiracy now, the only way out is death!
Jenkins: Fine, kill me then. You all throw caltrops around like they rice at a wedding, wolves at a PLing event, like flames on a message board, like--
Blade of Artemis: ...
Jenkins: Lost my train of thought there...anyway, I'm sick of being the poor [censored] who has to carry them all around. Would you just look at the size of that bag? And the caltrops keep poking through and jabbing me in the leg. My clothes look so bad the Hellions are asking me to come back and join them. I QUIT!
Blade of Artemis: Get him! <Jenkins is suddenly buried in caltrops>
Joining the Praetoreans Part 4: Bobcat and her Pussycat Henchmen
Jenkins: Ok, seriously. I will be kicking so do-gooders in the teeth today, don't worry about that. But the next one of you fruitcakes that comes at me with lipstick is gonna get their kitty cat ears introduced to their kidneys...
Ocelot boy: Purrrr....
Tabby Kitty boy: Yethsssssssss....purrrrr...
Tomcat boy: Rawr? Purrr....
Bobcat: Jenkins? What seems to be the matter sugarrrrrrr?
Jenkins: Hey..boss...I mean...bosssssss...I was hoping we could have a little chat.
Bobcat: Oh Jenkins, whateverrrrrrr forrrrrrr?
Jenkins: Well, I really like the "peel their flesh off with claws" gig you got going on here, but I am really having a hard time with the whole "CATS! the musical meets Rumble in the Bronx" theme. I mean, do you know what would happen to one of these prissy boys if he walked into a bar in Texas?
Ocelot boy: Purrrr?!?!
Tabby Kitty boy: Purrrrr?!?!?!
Tomcat boy: Purrr?!?!? RAWR!!!!
Jenkins: (/em pulls out a squirt bottle) Don't make me rail you!
Bobcat: Take it easy, Jenkins, I think I have just the solution forrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you....
Jenkins: Oh yeah, what's that?
Bobcat: I am going to send you to the AV human resources director's office, they will put you in touch with Dominatrix...she has just the job for you....
it would seem the job hunt is getting to Jenkins:
Jenkins Swaggers up to the bar, and asks for another Tequila. The bartender calls security, and informs them that Jenkins has been told 5 times that he is cut off for the night, and has refused to take a cab. They toss him into the alley behind the bar, and he stumbles across a drain grate and falls into the sewer.
When he awakens, he is disoriented. The images in his mind piece together the previous evenings events. He remembers falling into the sewage. He remembers a large metallic object...maybe a tractor or a car?....he had made his bed on it and passed out, too disoriented to move. He now looks around, and sees 2 eyeballs floating in a fishbowl, atop a large metallic structure. They seem to be looking at him, and he reaches out and knocks on the glass.
Clockwork King: What the hell is wrong with you?
Jenkins:Oh, Hello there. I thought you were a fishbowl.
Clockwork King: You are kind of a retard, aren't you?
Jenkins: Ya well, it wouldn't surprise me. With the week I have had...I got my organs pulled out and put back in by the Freakshow, got my face painted and my jimmy stuffed into these fruity corturoy bell bottoms by the Carnies, got my Lemon Chicken bled on by the Tsoo, got my soul promised to some guy with a pig's head by the CoT, the Council ganked my girlfriend and made her into a warewolf, the Hellions and Skulls made fun of my stylin tribal tattoo, and to top it all off Dominatrix turned my colon into a metaphorical sprinkler system. With the way this week has gone, I really don't find it surprising I end up covered in sewage talking to a fishbowl.
Clockwork King: You know, I was going to offer you a job when I saw you blow half of the sewer apart with your incredible fire blasting skills, but now I think I will just kill you.
Jenkins: Whatever.