Letters to the Editor
Dear Mr. Funkerly,
In regards to your article on cancer, I say, good! Let the thugs and jerks get their cancer! I've been a citizen here in Paragon City for 34 years, and I am tired of seeing all these criminal elements laughing and joking and being a nuissance on practically every street corner!
So they get cancer? Good. Maybe they'll die sooner and I won't have to spend my tax money on taking care of them in prison.
Mark A. Perea
Reader
This is a pretty funny way to explain why SG are getting nerfed, you know. 
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This is a pretty funny way to explain why SG are getting nerfed, you know.
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I tried. 
Crimanal health???...I ARREST people with my SWORD
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Crimanal health???...I ARREST people with my SWORD
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The article states that there are other issues they've been treated for, and it only mentions arrested criminals, not dead ones. Soviet Commando doens't arrest many criminals, anyway.
In a brief response shortly after the story was released one of the city's heros said,
"I am sure I have said this at least once. If these men and women weren't mugging, robbing, and killing innocent people they would never have met me or any other hero unless they were a victim of a crime.
Dispite the supposed proof, it is my belief that "The Dominion's" lead researcher Dr. Unknown is investigating the Doctor in question for having ties to the Infamous Dr. Vaz. I am certain when we locate proof we will bea... question him about any involvement with the crimial element.
Now get that blasted camera outta my face!"
Best SG post.
Damn Geko Ind. and their products! Ban Geko products! 
Good lord, I hope they don't find out how many bad guys I've infested with radiation sickness!
Down with Geko Industries!
Poor London. The smoke carcinogens have surely already rotted his brain... At least that helps explain his posts a little better...
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Crimanal health???...I ARREST people with my SWORD
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I've poisonous spines - I need a lawyer... 
Nice post, good job!
Heh. I use bright lights to bring my foes to justice. Sure, I manifest the light in just such a way that it creates massive humanoid figures, often with fire, ice, and energy additives for a more effective *ahem* deterrent, but not long after that, the "evidence" of any wrong doing fades away and I have a slightly tenderized bad person to jam into our already over crowded prison system...
*great post by the way!*
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Good lord, I hope they don't find out how many bad guys I've infested with radiation sickness!
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Nah, that's better! Chemotherapy!
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Best SG post.
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Thanks.
LIES!! This is obviously left wing democratic propaganda!
If you dig deeper into the data, you'll see that cancer is the least of their problem. Most of them will not survive their current trauma to head and body from various weapons, repeated electricution, incineration, and psychological damage to the mind.
Raising concern of their cancer is merely a smoke (punt) screen to further the social engineering agenda to tolerate criminal activity, expansion of police expediture, and the curtailing of superhero activities that have done so much to improve the safety of this city.
Wait.....We're only supposed to ARREST them???
*Hides assault rifle, ammo, fuel, frag grenades, and bombs*
What? No, of course I never shot, blew up, or burned a criminal! You were seeing things! I'm a Martial Arts scrapper.......yeah.....
The Gravity Queen, former leader of a small, solar system in the fashionable section of the Galaxy, has volunteered her Radioactive Emissions abilities to treat the affected inmates.
The Gamma Ray beam might be quite effective in excising any malignant tumours. Unfortunately, it often excises city blocks as well. So some tuning of the ability might be needed. Any test subject volunteers will be paid generously. Or their heirs.
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Quote:
Crimanal health???...I ARREST people with my SWORD
I've poisonous spines - I need a lawyer...
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- Pax (aka ForceOne)
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Well you HAVE seen the billboards of the lawyer in PC who states that if you have been injured in a superpower related incident you will never have to work again. Hey I don't remember paying any union dues for a defense team!! I wonder if Cochran (sp) is busy? Watch out for the landslide of lawsuits that follow. Oh and I bet GKI stock will plummet around issue 2. Then again they do say to stay in the market for the long haul.
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High Percentage of Criminals Test Positive for Cancer
Causes linked to crimefighting superheroes
By William P. Funkerly (AP)
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Really well done. Bravo mate.
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Oh and I bet GKI stock will plummet around issue 2. Then again they do say to stay in the market for the long haul.
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Stock prices plummeting? Investing for the long haul? Could it be .....
sweet
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LIES!! This is obviously left wing democratic propaganda!
If you dig deeper into the data, you'll see that cancer is the least of their problem. Most of them will not survive their current trauma to head and body from various weapons, repeated electricution, incineration, and psychological damage to the mind.
Raising concern of their cancer is merely a smoke (punt) screen to further the social engineering agenda to tolerate criminal activity, expansion of police expediture, and the curtailing of superhero activities that have done so much to improve the safety of this city.
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I actually tried to write it from that perspect, which isn't easy as a conservative. Glad it worked.
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The Gamma Ray beam might be quite effective in excising any malignant tumours. Unfortunately, it often excises city blocks as well. So some tuning of the ability might be needed. Any test subject volunteers will be paid generously. Or their heirs.
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ROFL
Yes, Geko industries has been under scrutiny for years, several of their most popular products have had serious defects that have cost numerous lives. This goes back as far as the OU device, which was initially far more powerful than the specs declared it to be, which caused many users to lose their lives a blast of green fire from the sky. We would also like to remind the populace of the 'incident' involving an improperly adjusted Transium Chainsaw that resulted in the death of at least one prestigeous member of the Great Lords.
PS : 10k influence to the person that understands that reference and contacts me first. 
PPS : Eric you don't count.
High Percentage of Criminals Test Positive for Cancer
Causes linked to crimefighting superheroes
By William P. Funkerly (AP)
Paragon City - In the past three months, Paragon City prisons, most notably the Ziggurat, have been reporting an unusual amount of health problems amongst inmates, most alarmingly a high rate of cancer.
Sheriff's Deputy Ronald St. Cyr believes he knows the reason. "Many superheroes seem to be using a chemical smoke compound to subdue the criminals they arrest and bring to us. Most of the inmates we find to be testing positive for cancer are the same inmates who had been detained with these measures."
Dr. John Hagler, chief physician at Cygnus Medical Center, says he has treated several of these inmates who had also been burned badly by other types of attacks. "This is a serious matter. It is, of course, important to bring these people to justice, but at what cost? We need too look out for their health as well as the law-abiding citizens of Paragon City."
Geko Industries, the leading manufacturer of the smoke grenades commonly used by superheroes, issued the following statement:
"We believe that our products are necessary for the preservation of peace and lawful order. However, in light of recent research, we will be reformulating our Smoke Grenade Mk I product. The new formula will have far less carcinogens and we will try to maintain as much effectiveness as we can.
"Unfortunately, the main ingredients which cause the smoke to be so effective is one of the chemicals we will have to remove. As such, heroes may notice a slight decrease in the effectiveness of our product."
Geko Industries apologized publically Friday for any pain or suffering they may have unknowingly caused. A donation of $14 Billion dollars was made by the company to Cygnus Medical, earmarked for cancer research. GKI (nyse) closed Friday at 27.89, down 5.5 points.
Soviet Commando, a newly arrived superhero in Paragon City, believes that the change may be necessary, but is unsure how it may affect his crimefighting.
"In Soviet Russia where I come from, we did not worry about cancer or criminal rights. We did what we had to do to get [the] job done. Yet, in your country, I know, everyone has right to pursue happiness, even criminal[s]. I supose that is [a] good thing, but now I have to change [my] tactic[s]. Oh well. I survive[d] Afghanistan, I survive[d] Spetnasz [Russian special forces] training... I [will] survive this, also."