Steelclaw

Figured I'd throw this one out and risk running the joke into the ground...

Q: Why did the Hellion cross the road?
A: Because heroes in Paragon take loitering on street corners VERY seriously.

Q: Why did the Vahzilok cross the road?
A: It was an Embalmed so technically only flaming pieces of him crossed it.

Q: Why did Perfect Pain cross the road?
A: Behemoths.

Q: Why did Positron, Back Alley Brawler, Statesman and Synapse cross the road?
A: Dark Respite was shooting a parody pic of the Beatle's Abbey Road cover.

Q: Why did Blaster cross the road?
A: It was on the way back to the mission door from the hospital.

Q: Why did the Praetorian cross the road?
A: Because Praetoria is ALL about crossing over.

Q: Why did the Carnival of Shadows Ring Mistress cross the road?
A: Because women dressed like that standing on street corners give the wrong impression.

Q: Why did Blue Steel cross the road?
A: He didn't; the world turned under him while he stood still.

Q: Why did Captain Mako cross the road?
A: Because he took that All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Buffet sign like a personal challenge.

Q: Why did Silver Mantis cross the road?
A: To get hit by as many cars as she could.

Q: Why did the Mastermind cross the road?
A: He had his minions on Aggressive and he was just trying to catch up.

Q: Why did the Empathy Defender cross the road?
A: He was on Follow to the Tank.

Q: Why did the Arachnos Wolf Spider cross the road?
A: Because the Tarantula Queen on THIS side just winked at him.

Q: Why did the novice Mu Striker cross the road?
A: Strong breeze.

Q: Why did Back Alley Brawler cross the road?
A: Why not? It's not like he had to train anyone.

Q: Why did DJ Zero cross the road?
A: To refill his supply of ear plugs at the drug store.

Q: Why did the Clockwork cross the road?
A: He wasn't so much crossing it as his buddies had dared him to steal the hubcaps off moving cars.

Q: Why did the Coralax cross the road?
A: To get to the other Tide.... ... ... (rimshot)

Q: Why did the Redcap cross the road?
A: To check out the sexy lady standing among the roses.... which turned out to be a garden gnome.

Q: Why did Synapse cross road?
A: To see if he could do it so fast he’d meet himself coming back.

Q: Why did Crimson cross the road?
A: Sorry, that’s classified.

Q: Why did Nemesis cross the road?
A: To give the Conspiracy Theorists something to talk about.

Q: Why did DumpleBerry cross the road?
A: Because it provided the best vantage of the Costume Contest… for his sniper rifle.

Q: Why did Hickman cross the road?
A: To pick up his pants at the dry cleaners.

Q: Why did Westley cross the road?
A: He was following Nemesis.

Q: Why did Fusionette cross the road?
A: Because all the aggro was on the other side.

Q: Why did Azuria cross the road?
A: Plausible deniability.

Q: Why did Captain Castillo cross the road?
A: There was a mirror on the other side.

Q: Why did Ghost Widow cross the road?
A: Crossing over is sort of her thing.

Q: Why did the Scrapper cross the road?
A: Since when does a Scrapper need a reason to do anything?

I run all my characters as teams competing with each other in a tournament... Spreadsheets for everything and everyone, a vastly complicated scoring system (for both power and reputation and the newly created teamwork)... currently over 100 spreadsheets and that's no exageration...

However, because Going Rogue has next to no information released about how it could affect the delicate scoring system of my tournament... I was at a loss.. I didn't feel like playing all 72 of my in-tournament characters because I felt pretty sure I would be revamping everything once GR got released...

So...

I deleted them. Every last one of them. And reduced them to only one Team Captain per server (I don't play on Pinnacle so that's 10 characters)... Starting said Captains over again at 1st level.. So that when GR gets released I have a lot less work to do updating spreadsheets and getting my tournament up-to-date for the new system...

This isn't a joke post... I only wish it were...

I see your wierd and raise you an obsessed...

Pretty much every time I open my mouth and say something is a WTF moment...


...


...


...or so I've been told.

Are you sure you talked to the right Detective? It has to be the one listed in your contacts list.

Once you speak to them there SHOULD be a CB radio interface at the top of your contacts drop down; clicking on that will bring up the mission select window.

Genius.

Pure. Unadulterated. Genius.

This was typed only after I was capable of removing my hands from my mouth to stifle laughter that surely would have woken the rest of the house.

Okay, since some of you have ventured into the realm of archetypes I guess I can take a swing at 'em...

Q: How many Blasters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One... but I would advise making sure you're home owner's insurance is paid up to date in case it's a Fire Blaster who wants to show you an "alternative light source"...

Q: How many Brutes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Probably one but it's just not worth asking... most would rather smash the bulb to build up their fury bar.

Q: How many Controllers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight... Seven Tanks to turn the house while the Controller "Holds" the bulb... yeah... I know... sorry.

Q: How many Corruptors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's likely to go through several of them before he can settle to buffing without blasting them.

(Although I can not possibly compete with the "they buff it to keep it from dying" joke already given, I'll still give this one a shot)
Q: How many Defenders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; You kill his debuff anchor? You can darned well sit in the dark...

Q: How many Dominators does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Roughly fifteen or so... The Dominator... the pack of enemies he used to get his bar maxed out... and the Dominated Schlub who actually puts in the bulb.

Q: How many Kheldians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; Human forms have glowing eyes and don't need bulbs, Dwarf forms can't pick up a bulb without crushing it and Nova forms end up with their suction cups stuck to the bulbs which results in a thick smell of fried calamari when the lights are turned on... eventually.

Q: How many Masterminds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two; the Mastermind himself and the forumite who advised him how to set the bind for his pets.

Q: How many Scrappers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One and ONLY ONE... A single Scrapper will, however, have to clear the map before changing the bulb... if there are two or more of them they will be so deep into Scrapper-Lock after map clearing that they'll start in on each other before remembering it's dark at all.

Q: How many Soldiers of Arachnos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One if they are 1st through 23rd level or 25th and above... if 24th level they are busy respeccing and you may as well get used to the dark for a while.

Q: How many Stalkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; and very quickly too since it's hard to be stealthy when you're tripping over furniture.

Q: How many Tanks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One if it's a normal Tank; two if it's a Stone Tank... the Tank and the Kinetic Defender to Speed Boost him so the light bulb gets replaced before the sun comes back up.

Q: How many Hellions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Zero… the building’s on fire… who needs light bulbs?

Q: How many Clockwork does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It takes… wait a second… where’d the light bulb go? As a matter of fact the lamp is missing too!

Q: How many Vahzilok does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three… One to screw it in… One to throw the switch… And one to scream “It’s alive… It’s ALIVE!!”

Q: How many Skulls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two… one to screw it in and the other to present him with the “Go. Screw. Bu’bs” badge.

Q: How many Trolls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two… one to make the attempt and the other to knock a hole in the wall to make a window when the first one can’t figure it out.

Q: How many Luddites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two… One to screw it in and the other to call him a heretic.

Q: How many Council does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: An entire squad plus one… the one screws in the light bulb while the squad forms a perimeter to keep the Vampyri from taking it back out again.

Q: How many Arachnos Soldiers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them… Actually, only one, but that’s only after attrition as they fight each other to see who is the “best qualified.”

Q: How many Banished Pantheon does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on how many Spirit Masks try it before accepting the fact they don’t have hands and asking a Shaman for help.

Q: How many Carnival of Shadows does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it but at least ten to decide if the bulb should be red, black or strobe.

Q: How many Cimerorans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What’s a light bulb?

Q: How many Crey Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five… one to photograph the bulb, one to reverse engineer the photo, one to create a design schematic, one to head up mass production of illicit light bulbs and one to screw the original.

Q: How many Circle of Thorns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five… Four to summon a green mist that hovers the fifth up the ceiling so he can change the light bulb.

Q: How many Knives of Artemis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; changing bulbs is men’s work.

Q: How many Family members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two… One to change the bulb and one to kill the witnesses.

Q: How many Freakshow does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four… A Juicer Freak and two to hold him down while the third shoves the bulb in an available orifice.

Q: How many Nemesis Soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight… one to locate a light bulb, one to inform an unsuspecting hero of a “wave of darkness sweeping over the city”, one to play a hapless hostage to confirm the story, one to stash the bulb in an enemy warehouse, one to tip off the hero about the “item of power” that can push back the darkness in a warehouse, one to drop hints about the “altar of darkness” the “item of power” must be inserted into to stop the “wave of darkness”, one to disguise the lamp as an altar and (finally) one to gloat and tell the hero he’s been duped.

Q: How many Menders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; they don’t change it; they go back in time to when it was still working.

Q: How many Malta does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four… One to notice the light won’t turn on, One to put in a new bulb and realize it doesn’t work either, One to call him an idiot and show him how it’s done just to find the light still doesn’t work and One to finally realize what’s going on and yell at the Sapper to get away from the danged circuit box.

Q: How many Zigg Prisoners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; they won’t be there long enough to notice it’s broken anyway.

Q: How many Scrapyarders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-six; one to make the signs and the other twenty-five to protest unfair working conditions and unnecessary eye-strain.

Q: How many Snakes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three… One to get out the ladder, One to scream at him about how they’re supposed to use it without legs or feet and the third to point out that their caves don’t have electricity anyway.

Q: How many Coralax does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two… One to change the bulb and the other to treat his electrical burns from not drying off first.

Q: How many Lost does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three… One to change the light and two others to hold off the Swordsman who wants the bulb to accessorize his television helmet.

Q: How many MAGI workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three… One to open the Vault Door where the broken light is, One to change the bulb and One to inform Azuria they need another hero to get back the stuff that was stolen while the Vault was open.


Yeah... I think I've just about run this one into the ground enough for now...

Cast not thine stones, brothers and sisters-ah, at those who have but recently joined the flock-ah of the almighty Doom-ah.

For verily it is said within the covers of the Doomcrier's Bible that the strong-ah of voice-ah shall be heard across-ah the forums-ah while the meek shall hide in a corner and deny-ah the Truth-ah.

Count not the post-ah counts-ah of those Prophets-ah who take forward their portents of the future-ah. For they carry-ah the Word of Doom-ah to the unbelievers and the weak of faith-ah. And in the eyes of-ah Doom; they are holy-ah.

And Brother Westley-ah... Think not-ah that thou art beyond the reach-ah of the Doom-ah! For the Doomcrier's Bible-ah does say; "Turn thee not aside-ah the Conspiracy Theorist-ah for they are blessed of Doom-ah and doth a Doomcrier be in the depths-ah of their hearts."

And now-ah, a final thought-ah for the faithful of the Doomcrier's Bible. Remember, my children-ah, the words of the First Doomcrier:

"Let us prey."

Glad you all liked 'em...

And NO I'm not going to apologize for the Troll pun... heh..


Oh... 'nother one that occurred to me...

* In Pocket D DJ Zero will be replaced by a floating Snaptooth who is dressed exactly like Zero normally is. Outside the window on the slopes side of the club will float the Candy Keeper, Father Time and Baby New Year... all banging on the glass to be let in. Finally, War Witch will have a Red Cap wearing an explosive device riding on her shoulders and whacking her in the head with its fist. Her only comment..... "No more absynth... got to remember... NO MORE absynth..."

Yes, I know this is jumping the gun by a few months but these ideas occurred to me and I wanted to get them out before they disappeared into the miasma that is my mind. That and if... by some perverse twist of ironic fate... some developer actually wanted to implement them this gives them time.

Yeah... right...

Anyway... on with the list.

* There would be a 1 in 10 chance on any door mission that the enemy inside will not be the ones mentioned in the mission briefing. The actual enemies will be completely random. So you may enter a Defeat All Hellions mission and find yourself facing wall-ta to wall-ta Malta; all showing their combat level as 50! Don't panic though; the change is purely cosmetic. Their actual abilities, attacks, combat level and rewards are identical to what you were supposed to have. Oh, and all such missions will have one patrol with the conversation: "Hey, do you feel different today?" "Yeah, now that you mention it I do feel a little strange."

* A new zone event will be available just for that day. Your character will be standing around minding their own business when all of a sudden the sky will go bright pink and music will begin to pulse and throb. The words "Atlas Park Dance Party!" will flash on the screen (or whatever zone you happen to be in) and every NPC in the affected zone will stop what they're doing and start to dance emote. You have three choices at this point:

1) Ignore it and get back to business (although all dancing NPCs are untargetable during the event so no street sweeping)...

2) Search out a dancing group of NPCs and join in with your own dance emote... doing so nets you an influence reward dependant on your level, duration of dance and how many emotes you used...

or 3) seek out the Zone Event Elite Boss... the boss is a troll wearing a white leisure suit by the name of John Troll-Volta... He has melee and electrical attacks as well as an AoE sleep attack that makes you dance emote rather than snooze emote..

The event is on a timer but will end early if John is defeated. Defeating John before the normal end of the event will earn the defeating team/individual the "Party Pooper" badge.

* The doors at the base of any transport tube in Rogue Isles (for example: the door that goes from inside the fort to the Ferry docks in Mercy) will not transport you but start a 5 second countdown timer. Once the timer reaches zero the player is launched (complete with cannon-blast sound effects) high into the air and out to sea.

* High on the inner thigh of every statue in every zone in the game will be scrawled graffiti reading "$name was here". And yes, it will be YOUR character's name.

* Anyone.. and I mean ANYONE... typing the words "Costume Contest" into any chat channel will immediately (and temporarily) have thier costume generic'd.

* One in twenty transactions in Wentworths or the Black Market will spawn the message "We're sorry but your credit card was declined."

* Every train station in Paragon will have "Out of Order" signs plastered all over the rails and walls outside the train entrance. Other than that it will work just fine.

* Anyone entering The Hollows, Boomtown, Crey's Folly or the other destroyed/derelict hazard zones will find themselves in a small idyllic suburban community where all the houses look exactly the same and the civillians all look like they were taken directly out of a 1950's issue of Better Homes and Gardens... trying to move in any direction or attempting to target a civillian will cause the character to rezone to where they wanted to go in the first place.

* Certain costume pieces that reveal a LOT of skin (you know the ones) will now cause a Sims-esque flesh colored distortion pattern instead.

* Anyone training to the next level will have a 5% chance of finding themselves in middle of a mini-game where they are waxing a car with a rag on each alternating hand. Two buttons to move each hand; perform it successfully and the words "Very good $name-san" will appear and go to the normal train-up screen.

* Walking NPC Civillians will have new dialogue for this day:

"Have you seen $name from behind? I swear, sometimes capes are a crime."

"Sure, $name has done some stuff in crime fighting, but that's nothing compared to their breakdancing skills!"

"$Name, you *******! Where are my child support payments?!"

"I'm struggling for hours over my purse and what does $name do? Runs on by!!"

"Hey, $name! I gave the (level appropriate enemy group) your home address. Was that wrong?"

"I heard $name once won a Costume Contest... I'm pretty sure it was sponsored by The Institute for the Blind."

"I heard $name was why the Carnival of Shadows started putting buckets on their guys' heads."

"Wow, is that $name? Out in public and still sober?! Amazing!"

"M'kay $name... Power Leveling is bad... m'kay?"

"Wow, now there's a face that violates the Teen Rating."

Valkyrie Reborn

Seraphim Sword

Barbarian Beeotch

Savage She

Sister of Blood

Bride of Blood

Vorpal Virtue

Armored Ascension

Heroic Handmaiden

Blue Blade

Death by Dawn

Heaven's Harbringer

Venus Vengeance

A few suggestions from the last guy you should ever take advice from...

* Change your fluids! Pickle juice and formaldehyde do not make for the ambrosia of love! Perhaps a brain floating in rose water would be better? The occassional rose petal in the eye is a small price to pay for l'amour.

* Form over function! Except for the Big Gray Raisin you are mostly robotic. Robotic means interchangeable parts. Giant Rusted Monolith isn't bringing the ladies in? Why not try the sleek Cyborg set? If that doesn't work then try to talk the Devs into giving you access to the Praetorian Clockwork pieces. Like the wiZZe bearded ones once said... "Every Girl's Crazy For a Sharp Dressed Man..."

* A girl likes to be appreciated. Sure, you don't have a hormone in your body and the girl in question is one of the most powerful psychics on the planet... but let's face it friend; the "I love you for your mind" line was old back when you were just a toaster oven in your mamma's kitchen. Tell her she's beautiful and that she's more to you than just a Nuclear Power Plant of a brain.

* Express your creative side. Some women fall for the artsy/creative types. You've already shown her you're a passable sculptor with your ambulatory statuary, so why not show her other aspects of your artistry? Perhaps a sonnet or romantic short story? Failing all else you could just read to her the works of someone else...

There once was a girl from old Faultline
I'd been longing to make her just all mine
My love was for real
Then along came Blue Steel
My libido underwent a sharp decline

Most of my existing characters are ones I've actually been running in other RPGs or in my writing for quite some time; so the Ah-Ha! moment took place a while ago.

On the other hand, I do have a few that have been existed only in City of Heroes/Villains and a few stick out for me.

Draconic Rage (SS/Fire Brute)- Mutant rich boy who went from being Biff Biffington, a silver spoon pretty party boy to a seven foot tall silver lizard/dragon. My "Awesome!" moment for him was when I was first leading him through the snake caves in Mercy. In my mind the snakes all started calling him "brother" and insisting he must be one of them. His personality and general disdain for everyone who would try to define or pigeon-hole him grew out of that instant.

Re-Stitched (grav/energy dominator)- After watching her scientist lover die because his partners rushed their wormhole project rather than listen to his warnings, she vowed vengeance on them and any other irresponsible scientist. Her defining moment? The first "kidnap the scientist" paper mission. She did NOT turn the scientist over to the people who hired her to capture him. Well... maybe a piece at a time.

Flexible Physics (grav/kinetics controller)- Originally a Professor of physics who created a power suit that enabled him to effect gravity. Strangely enough his moment was in the Tailor. I tried the robot feet costume part and then revamped his entire character bio. A tragic car accident involving a drunk driver left him missing half of one leg and both this arms. He was my first, but not only, physically challenged hero.

Questions that haven't been asked yet....

* If there were 1st level versions of high level enemies would the Freakshow version be a mean guy with braces headgear? Would a 1st level Sapper be a mother complaining about when she's gonna be promoted to grandma? Would Warriors just be Larpers with foam rubber swords?

* Why do they hold Costume Contests under a guy who... let's face it... isn't wearing a costume?

* Was that one Freakshow who wanted to be grafted to a car told by the Devs that in-game vehicle travel powers was never going to happen?

* Where does the waste water from the Pocket D bathrooms go? Where do the waterfalls in Ouroboros come from? Are these questions connected?

* Considering the average height of a Red Cap; how many of them wish that their boss's name was Jack in Trousers?

* Does the United Nations condone the Longbow presence in the Rogue Isles?

* How long before Animal Planet does an on-location show about Monkey Island behind Portal Corps?

* How do the In-Game characters explain those heroes who can have the Valkyrie cape at 1st level? Is someone in the Cape Rewards Bureau taking bribes?

* Is Azuria losing things or is she on the take?

* Does the Praetorian Westin Phipps look and act like Mister Rogers?

* If everything is a Nemesis Plot then is the entire Development team on his payroll?

* If Synapse scuffed his feet over a carpet at superspeed would he explode?

* How many cans of Glade Air Freshener were necessary when Positron first took his suit off?

* How many euphanisms for intimacy does Manticore have with references to bows, arrows and bullseyes?

* When Manticore introduces his wife as "my little Sister Psyche" how many people call him a sick freak?

* Does she call herself Sister Psyche because she was a nun who broke the habit?

* Swan, Sister Psyche... Why is it that all the women who can read minds wear the skimpiest, most revealling costumes?

All of my characters know each other because they are all in a tournament competing against one another. Each server is a "team" of heroes or villains and I often imagine their conversations in my mind as I am playing them.

Core Combustion: "Wow... you really shouldn't have tried to take on that whole spawn by yourself... it's not like you're a tank."
Emcee Boombox: "Okay, Core... I get it."
Core Combustion: "You remember I'm the tank right? You're the defender... say it with me... Dee Fen Duuuur."
Emcee Boombox: "Go to hell, Core."

Everyone's progression in the game is measured against everyone else's. All recorded on spreadsheets and all RPed in my mind as to who loves who, who hates who... etc.

I've got married couples, dating couples, arch-nemesis, brothers and sisters, etc, etc, etc...

I've also (apparently) got waaaaaay too much free time on my hands.

First, I wish to start by saying that this IS a Steelclaw post but it IS NOT a parody, song, joke list, or any other assorted silliness some of you may have come to expect from me.

Now that around 50% of you have rolled your eyes in disgust and backed out of the thread, I shall continue.

Let me preface the serious part of this post by saying that I DON'T PvP. So I am coming at this issue from about as fresh a perspective as you can get. I have no real bones to gnaw on since I haven't been to the butcher's shop yet. This post is NOT a "What's wrong with PvP" post. It is a "What it would take to get me to PvP" post.

That being said:

1) (Yes, I know... a list... but NOT a joke list) Get Rid of The PVP Zones : All of them. Instead of entering a zone to PvP, those interested should get together and agree to meet in combat in an arena of their choice. They meet in Pocket D or the RWZ or wherever and decide to get it on. You ask where they'lll meet if they can't meet in the PvP Zones? Well, I can't tell you.... until you read #2.

2) It's a Big Playground Out There: Listen, we've got maps coming out of our collective I/O ports here. Why are we limited to PvP on just a few of them? If AE allows us to create missions on practically ANY of the maps why can't we PvP there as well? Think how fun it might be to duke it out in Meteor Damaged Atlas Park or go stealthy in the 5 layer cake blue cave of doom! You and your opponent can either agree to a battle zone or let the system choose one randomly. The system would also allow you to either start in random or pre-determined locations within that map.

3) Superman versus Batman Anyone? : From both a comic book and a role playing perspective it makes little to no sense that only heroes and villains can fight one another. Heroes should be able to fight heroes and it's only natural that evil villains would betray and attack one another. Drop the opposed alignment restriction. Oh, and make the PvP arenas co-op capable so villains can team with heroes if they want or vice-versa. For Role Players this would be an exceptional tool.

4) The Incredible Hulk Versus Bob Anyone?: It makes no sense to me that a 50th level hero with years of experience can enter a zone with an 18th level Villain who still has that new-car smell and suddenly they're both the same combat level. Yes, I know this is to "even the playing field" but COME ON! Instead of this mandatory level adjustment I would prefer to see a few more options. Maybe Player A gloated that his build was so awesome he could take on Player B with a five level disadvantage? Maybe two teams want to fight but one has 4 players and one has 8? Allow the characters to CHOOSE their combat level prior to beginning combat. Because, to me, one 50th level character standing down eight 30th levels sounds pretty fun.

5) I'd Like My Battle A La Mode: Once again I turn to AE for this idea. We can now set up destructible items, lead the captive out of the base and several other objectives in our AE missions. Why can't these be used in PvP? A few examples: Each team has a Mascot (hostage) that the other team must first locate, then lead back to their base (exit or starting point). The other team can defeat the hostage stealers to get them back or ignore them to go get THEIR hostage. Or one team has a destructible object they need to protect while the other team must destroy it before the time limit runs out. Many of the AE mission goals can be adapted to PvP situations. The Safeguard/Mayhem missions would be PERFECT for PvP.

6) If That's The Ace Of Spades On The Table, Then What's Up My Sleeve? : With all the customization I'm suggesting there needs to be a fail-safe so no one SAYS they're going to play their character at 20th level but logs in at 50th instead. When people enter their parameters they go to a screen that shows them what everyone one else involved has entered. If you don't agree to what's shown then discuss in chat what changes need to be made. If you don't click OK then you won't enter the map. Once you appear on the map you are Immobilized until everyone has appeared; so there is no advantage those people with faster loading computers.

7) I've Always Thought War Was Better As A Spectator Sport: Say you don't want to fight but want to watch your buddies battle? You can log into any fight as an observer. This basically turns you into a roving camera. You are unable to interact with other players or affect them in any way. They do not see you nor know when you are watching them. You will be alerted when someone engages in combat and can use a special Teleport power to go instantly to the action. For the time you are in the arena map you are on Ignore with every other player except those who are also on the map in Observation Mode. No recon and report on enemy positions!

8) The More the Merrier, Or At Least the More Confusing! : Let's put those lazy Gladiators to work! Any Gladiator badge you possess you may take that NPC and put them somewhere on the map like a landmine. They don't move and they ignore all friendlies (ie- your team mates). They will however attack any enemy player who comes by. Only one placement per badge and this option CAN be disabled in the set up screen in case some of the players aren't badgers and would be too disadvantaged. All Gladiators fight at the combat level of their creator.

9) Dang It! I'm All Outta Quarters! : Life limits. What the heck is the sense of PvP if you can zip to the hospital and be back to the battle in a minute? One of the options on the Set Up screen will be a limit to the number of rezzes a player can have. OR a restriction that you can have unlimited Rezzes but only if provided via another player or a Wakie. That last one would make for great strategy as teams attempted to take out the enemy Rezz-Master first while desperately protecting their own.

Anyway, just a few thoughts that were bumping around in my head. Figured I would get them out of there before the dust bunnies started grazing on them. Any feedback is appreciated.

Ahem...

Our Mods have been Rikti-fied in their names.... clue?

The Mothership arrival is imminent?

My wish: Hero One and the other members of Omega Team have, after years of fighting the advance of their condition, finally succumbed to Riktification. The Mothership carrying them has at last reached Earth Prime and is preparing to reintroduce them to their homeworld.

How I would handle it game-wise: Rikti invasions as normal, however if enough players collect in the zone under attack the Mothership moves into view overhead. There is a short countdown (1 minute or so) the last 10 seconds of which flash on the screen like in PvP Zones. When it reaches zero one of the members of Omega Team are teleported down. They are AV level enemies and appear in various locations about the zone. If they can all be killed prior to another timer running out then Hero One (Giant Monster) appears and wreaks havoc.

This pretty much would follow right in line with the recent Halloween Banners and Lord of Winter approach to event management.

Seriously... you don't want to know these things... turn back now... just click the back arrow... you're just plain ol' better off not knowing...

Fine... be that way...

* The Hellions Girlfriends were modeled after your sister. Don't let that get you down though; the Carnival of Shadows Illusionists were modeled after your mom.

* That short-of-breath style of breathing when you are in a pitched battle? From the next room over it sounds JUST LIKE you're watching pron.

* BAB used to stand for Back Alley Broiler... that is until the declining stray cat population made the local news.

* The Development Staff got ahold of your baby pictures. After they were done laughing they came up with the Baby New Year character model. Coincidence?

* The original story behind the Hollows was a neighborhood dog who just flat-out wouldn't stop digging up people's gardens. It got scrapped; the only thing remaining from it was the Digger badge.

* After everyone talked him up in the Forums Blue Steel started having inadequacy issues since he couldn't live up to the hype. These days every time a Shield Scrapper or Tank levels up in Kings Row, Blue Steel kicks a puppy on his way home.

* There is actually no lag in the game at all. The developers just got too lazy to animate massive battles so they simply send through still frame photos.

* The team had a Pot Luck Office Party to which one person brought a lime jello mold with sliced lemons in it. No one took so much as one bite and the jello lingered in the staff room fridge for weeks. Hamidon raids became popular soon after. The jello mold is living comfortably in Oakland on the royalties for use of his image.

* If you go from level 10 to level 18 without visiting a trainer then go to Valkyrie in Steel Canyon, level to 15 normally then exit the training screen to begin the Judge emote with the sign reading "2" then level to 16 and select the power "Hover" from the Flight set then once again leave the training screen and activate Hover, assume lotus position and go to a height of approximately 100 ft above the street then type in the command "/NewbachooIChooseYou!" a random character in Outbreak will suddenly find themselves teleported to the most distant point of the Shadow Shard, regardless of their initial AT they are now a Broadsword/Invulnerability Scrapper armed with a Pool Noodle.

* If you attempt the above secret code and are unable to locate the poor newb you sent to the Shard, please let me know. I will meet you at a pre-arranged location and give you the Newb Locator Mk 4 1/2. Activation of said Locator requires you to have six slotted Gullibility and sacrifice of all your influence and loot to another player. I can help you with the 2nd part, you're on your own with the first.

* If you can activate SuperSpeed and not hear either the Benny Hill or the original Hamsterdance music in your head then you aren't playing the game right. If you hear it NOW but never have before then you're welcome.

* If Marvel won't let us make Wolverine characters why isn't Colonel Sanders suing over all the chickens running around Paragon?

* Those kids you're ignoring so you can farm for that one last Purple Recipe you need to make your character perfect will be choosing your retirement home one day.

* Oh, and while we're on the subject, when you lured your 10 year old son into the PVP zone so you could "Teach him another aspect of the game".... You weren't fooling anyone. Not. One. Person.

* Skulls don't clean the skulls of their victims off before using them as masks. How else do you think they stay on without string?

* The Galaxy Girl statue isn't wearing any panties.

* If you see anyone standing under the Galaxy Girl statue for no apparent reason.... report them.

* The irony is that in life Atlas suffered from really atrocious gas.

* Hero Corps had a short-lived stint in Rogue Isles as a heroic force. They didn't take them seriously there either.

* Henry Peter Wong is at least 2/3rds d**k.

* Crimson has every Indigo Girls album.

* Swan has a restraining order on DJ Zero after once asking him what the D in his Pocket stood for...

Since the forum seems to be overrun with people who have pure pessimism flowing through their veins these days, I figured it was time to resurrect my old post The DoomCrier's Bible.

Yes, I know it seems unusual for a religious text to have multiple volumes or revisions but in response to those who state unequivocably that any lauded holy text has only one, true and pure, original I have three words for you:

King James Version.

Now that I've offended approximately 60% of you, let's get to work on the remaining 40...

* No News is Good News: No new information about any upcoming issues or expansions?! Conspiracy Cover Up Flavored DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! Don't treat us like children! We know what's really going on here! You talked the big talk and now you're not saying anything. This happens with our friends and family all the time. You never had anything planned in the first place did ya?! You made all these promises and blew all this hot air but in reality the only thing you have planned for the next issue is to FINALLY PUT THE MISSING "L" IN THE SKULLS BADGE TITLE!!!

* Marketing Loves You: Blaming the Marketing Department for the lack of information flowing out to the players? Secret Society World Domination DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! It's insidious genius I tell you! First they get together a team of programmers and enslave their will; a task which is easily done via a process of free donuts and mint condition Star Wars toys. They create a game which brings in thousands of players and give continuous "free" issues with new things to play with. Then they test the mind-control waters with a few paid booster packs... then mention a huge expansion that will give everyone what they've always wanted... then draw out the silence... draw out the silence... until EVERYONE is paying attention to every breath they take... then.... oh my then... "We'll give you Going Rogue... but first you have to prove your loyalty by wearing this Paragon Supremacy Army uniform and taking a nice little march... er... walk... to the nearest military base in your area..."

* Event Extensions: They extended the Halloween Event and now they've done it to the Winter Event as well?! Time and Space Manipulation DOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOm!!!! They extended Autumn by a week! Now they've gone and pushed Winter out an additional week! That's two weeks people! TWO WEEKS that our year has been warped out of synch! And you wonder why Florida is seeing temperatures below freezing?! And you wonder why the mid-west is buried under 20 feet of snow?! It isn't green house gas emissions that is causing the problem, folks! The Developers at Paragon Studios are to blame for Global Warming!!

* Forum Consolidation: They took the Australians, the Europeans and the Americans and crammed them all into a single forum?! World Wide Melting Pot DOOOOOOOOOO(gasp!)OOOOOOOOOOOM!! To heck with dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! This is enforced desegregation at its worst! At this moment porpoises are lining the outer edges of every continent in the world, pressing their noses against the shore and flipper pushing for all they’re worth! They all have little remote controls wired into their brains with Paragon Studios printed on the patent sticker. That’s right folks! The forum consolidation is just to get us ready for the true diabolical plan! They’re going to mash everything together so we’re back in the original Proto-Continent! I have it from reliable sources this all originated from someone asking for ways to reduce server load.

* Server Population Degradation: Signing on to play the game and seeing fewer and fewer others around? It’s Rats From A Sinking Ship DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! Champions Online stole a bunch of our fellow heroes. Next it will be DC Universe taking their fair share. Then World of Warcraft will come out with a Super Hero pocket dimension expansion. Then out will come Lego’s Marvel Universe! Then they’ll all start piling on…. Guitar Super Hero, City of Star Wars Galaxy, The Flaming Carrot OnLine Game and on and on and on…. Soon there will be one guy in Des Moines , Iowa who will be all alone in the game and the richest character in CoH history because the last few months he just walked into Atlas Park and started spamming “Can I have your stuff?” in broadcast.

* Impatient Players: Everyone is chomping at the bit for new information or for the expansion to be released? Passing Out The Pitchforks and Torches Angry Mob DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! At first it will just be a few people outside the NorCal studios politely pestering the developers as they show up for work. Then it will be a crowd of muttering people with catchy slogans on home made signs. Next there will be groups of players chained together in a ring outside the office. There will be police officers and tear gas! Then some politician will take notice and go off about this “crime against the American standards of free speech!” A groundswell of support will start in Congress and soon they’ll pass a law requiring the creators of every medium in the entertainment industry to release information freely and update progress reports daily. Eventually every movie, game and television production company will go out of business because they’re spending more resources reporting their progress than they are on MAKING progress.

Just thought of this one...

* Paragon Studios announces the hiring of forumite Steelclaw to the position of Mission and Dialog Writer.

* Following the current trend of Dual Swords and Dual Pistols the game will soon spiral out of control. Dual Axes lead to Dual War Maces. The blasters got angry and soon Dual Blasting became popular; the ability to shoot ice from one hand and fire from the other. This spiralled into Dual Controlling and Dual Buff/DeBuffing. When Tanks demanded Dual Shielding, however, the entire Development team quit en masse.

* In an effort to create more "realistic" end-game content the development team introduced the Armageddon Task Force. The ATF proved to be the hardest one in the game with completely new enemies and a diabolical plot twist near the end. The rewards for this TF were spectacular, including a guaranteed Purple Recipe that was useable by your character. However, to balance this, if you die during the task force you are not only ejected from the team but you will be unable to access your CoH account for one week while the Menders "Find your soul's remnants in the time stream."

* To reflect current realities when it comes to travelling any character going to or from Praetoria will be required to fill out approximately fifty-three forms and provide at least 3 forms of proper ID. Once reaching the new dimension the person must remain in quarantine for 2 weeks pending a full medical examination. The exam will be played out in a mini-game.

* Animals are finally going to be introduced to the game environment! The animals you encounter will be those indigenous to your real life location. Note: As a completely unrelated matter; all our Australlian players will find their contacts now offer "Anti-Venom" inspirations.

* Self-Created Emotes and Power Animations are now at your fingertips! Literally! For a small "Super Booster Pack" fee the developers will ship you a spandex suit covered with little ping-pong balls as well as a peripheral to be attached to your computer. In your own home you will, while wearing the suit, act out the animation you want personalized. The peripherals include tracking detectors and a web cam. Your movements and images will be sent to the development team who will, while laughing their collective ***** off at you, program the motions into your character file. Imagine your delight as you see your character execute their new Dragon Death Dive Kick with all the skill and grace you yourself managed to put into it.... .... .... All sales are final. No refunds.

Since everyone seems to be going crazy with impatience over hearing news.. any news... about Going Rogue... I thought I'd provide some news items both in game and out that we probably don't want to see..

* Starting this Wednesday there will be free Red Cap Babysitting services to all heroes and villains.

* Paragon City's own Burger Guy has just signed and exclusivity contract with the Vahzilok for all their burger meat supply needs.

* In court today Judge McCormick supported the idea that street gangs have the same rights as any other organization or cultural sub-group. As such, Go. Kill. Skuls. is now considered a Hate Crime; anyone possessing the badge is subject to federal prosecution.

* The Bad News: BABs recent struggle with acute intestinal distress left him tied to the bathroom for three days straight which caused him to miss work and fall behind schedule on his animations. The Good News: The experience gave him an idea for three new emotes.

* The Ultra-Graphics setting for Going Rogue will give you never before thought of realism and special effects during game play. On the other hand mapping the human genome would take less processor power.

* New Power Customization animations will allow your Super Strength character to beat up their opponents in new and devastating ways! But despite your amazing power you still can't open that flimsy wooden door barely covering the cave entrance if you don't have a mission there.

* The Energizer Battery company has enlisted the aid of Malta Sappers in advertising the lasting power of their new line of batteries. The Bunny could not be reached for comment.

* George Lucas has bought the movie rights to the latest Nemesis Plot.

* In-Game advertising will be revitalized with the release of Going Rogue. The NRA has bought advertising space in conjunction with the new Dual Pistols power set.

* A new color pallette system will be introduced allowing an even greater diversity of colors and effects to customize your powers. Epileptics the world over celebrate the new system with throes of ecstacy... or at least that's what the company spin doctors are calling it.

* In response to player complaints that there has been a depressing lack of new content lately, Issue 17 will see the new Deluxe Edition of the Positron Task Force. This edition will include 6 further missions, the introduction of Sappers into lower level play, the new Unresistable Knockdown Ruin Mage and a reduction of Merits in the final reward. The new badge text for the TF will read "Maybe this will teach you ba***rds not to complain!"

Brilliant... abso-smurfly brilliant...