Kill the User Above You (With The Gift They Just Gave You)

dies of poisoning

You die of nothingness!

I grant to the person below me a book detailing the causes of the fall of the Roman Empire.

Thank you for the cell phone! I turn up the volume to 11 and blast your ears out, causing internal bleeding, of which you die.
Here person below me, have a Reeses Cup!

Peanut butter bombs are useless so I'll spin it at you so fast it lodges in your forehead killing you.

Here's a pillow, do your worst!

Obviously, I suffocate you by putting the pillow over your face.

I give you, the Person Below Me, the new Powersets Metal Armor and Metal Melee.

Thank you! I eat the cotton candy (Yum!) and lodge the rock in your head.

I bestow the person below me with the gift of squid.

I squirt the squid ink in your eyes to blind you, then wrap the tenticles around your neck and choke you.

Hands TPBM an earthworm and a teaspoon of poppy seeds.

Well, the details of your gruesome death are FAR too disturbing for me to report on this forum. So...

Let me just give TPBM some synthetic yellow roses and chocolates and we'll call it even, OK?

I use the yellow roses to blind you so you don't see where I stuff those fatal chocolates.

To the person below me I leave the gift of Eternal Regret.

Thank you, how kind!
I take Apathy, the hip-hop artist and play the same tune (Ahem!) over and over again till you die of boredom and apathy.

To the next poster I give the gift of eternal youth.

Hey, thanks! With my *eternal* youthiness, I simply outlast you and everyone else ever, which winds up being quite a lonely existence at the end of it all, when you think about it. But you can't think about it, you're dead. So there, well done!

Here, PBM, I give you a Red Solo Cup. Enjoy!

Well, how sweet of you! I managed to kill you by lacing the rim of your Red Solo Cup with arsenic, cyanide, and carbonite. You died instantly and then exploded.

To the PBM, I give you every known sexually transmitted disease contained in a hyperdermic needle!

I really can't thank you for that, 'cause it's a pretty horrid thing to have in my hands. Nonetheless, I jab the needle into your arm, and in short course, you die from.. well, a lot of issues, really, all at once. Sounds deliciously painful, were I a vile villain... and I have a toon such as this. So, good.

And for you, PBM, I give unto you a single skin cell from a labrador retriever, perfectly preserved and ready for whatever you see fit to do with.

Well! Thank you! I love puppies.
I take the skin cell and make a right mess trying to mix it with your cells in a petre dish in a labatory somewhere out in Siberia, the nekid experiment (?) is visited on an unsuspecting world but you freeze to death in minus 50 below - global warming Bah!

To the next poster I give the gift of untold wealth.

With this untold wealth, I purchase the unspeakable weapon, and [redacted] you to death with it.

To you, oh PBM, I leave Warbaby's baby teeth.

I take Warbaby's tooth to the observation deck of the Empire State Building and wait for you to walk by below, at which point I toss the tooth over the side. The tooth fall 86 stories to the street below where it strikes...

a pigeon. The pigeon flies through the open window of a passing taxi cab, causing the cabbie to drive his taxi up onto the sidewalk where it...

startles a police horse. The horse throws it's rider right onto the hot grill of a nearby hotdog cart. The sight of the policeman fanning his burned buttocks throws you into a fit of laughter, causing you to choke to death on the frankfurter you just purchased from said vendor.

To the lovely PBM, I give a mint condition copy of Action Comics number 1.

Oh. My. GAWD. You are totally awesome, I wanna have your babies! But I can't, I'm a guy. Sorry. Otherwise, you totally ROCK.

I quickly run to ebay and put the Action Comics Number 1 up for sale, with a reserve of $1M USD.

Needless to say, it got more than that. I shipped it, and the buyer received it. With that money, I bought a totally pimped out ride, with subs, flamethrower exhaust, a Superman motif, and 'draulics.

I drove it over to your place to show you what your more than generous gift gained me. While making the car jump about, one of the rims exploded on a bounce, the shrapnel flying about and decapitating you quite horribly.

Which is a total shame, as I couldn't have done that without your awesome gift. Be assured, you had an excellent funeral, even if it was closed casket. If it helps, I'm sorry about the explody rim.

To the person below me, I leave that very same Superman motif pimped out ride but with way stronger rims. I simply cannot have the car any longer, the excruciating death of mousedroid haunts me still...

Most generous!

I take the Superman motif pimped out ride with way stronger rims and swap it for a genuine Batmobile with a cartoon Robin. The cartoon Robin is not very funny and you commit suicide by stabbing yourself slowly, in the eyes with red hot needles. You are given a statesman's funeral attended by naked clowns and laughing children, you are buried in the Batmobile deep within the Bat Cave, never again to see the light of day or anything else for that matter.

To the next poster I give one clown and one laughing child.

I'm trying to find a way to kill you with your own gift that isn't disturbing... I've got nothing, so just know that you suffered a (probably) painful and graphic death.

To the next person, I bestow upon thee a crossbow like those used in the days of yore. Unfortunately, I have forgotten to supply crossbow bolts, so if you must strike me down, you must find a different way to do it than shooting me.

Ooooooh how sweet, a crossbow! For a lack of bolts I will attempt to use YOU as an bolt instead. Of course, this will end in futility...however, your demise of being strangled between the string and the bow should prove most satisfying.

...to the next I offer the gift of Gossip.

Takes the gossip and spreads the rumor that you are planning to kidnap Mickey Mouse, causing the Disney Police to hunt you down and dissolve you in a vat of 'the dip'.

For tpbm, I hand you a tube of Polident.