Rejected Capsule Messages

What if there were some less than heroic messages in the time capsule that was found? Here were some that I came up with



Goodbye Cruel World

Captain Cliche


If you are reading this then I have not returned from our adventure into the unknown. When I left I could not bring myself to have my pet Hydra neutered or put to sleep so I put it down the sewers. My assistant has instructions to feed him two shakes of Hydra food each day from the Bottle , no more , no less. As long as he follows those instructions the Hydra should not cause any trouble. In the meantime I have placed my entire collection of powerful, dangerous, and unstable magical items in the MAGI vault for safe keeping. No one will ever find them there.

The Magnificent Apoclypsos


When I found out my magical abilities had punched a one way ticket to Riktiville I wanted to do something to keep the villains at bay for years. So I got together 7 of the most powerful wizards from France and we cast a special charm on the villains. Until I return all villains will want to rob banks and break things. However if they gather in large numbers they will be defeated more frequently. Then they will be teleported into Jails where the people who beat them up will all run in and keep beating on them. Then after a few more crimes they will get sent back to rob banks where the process will start all over again. This should make even the most hardened criminal curl into a ball and start crying. It is my hope that this cycle of robbing banks and getting beaten will keep the villains in check until my return.

Captain Mayhem


When I heard that all of us magical folk were being sent to fight the Rikti I had to rush to take care of my lair. In my haste I forgot to install that new alarms system on the Zig. But what's the worst that could happen? It can wait until I return.

The Locksmith


As we get ready to leave for the great unknown I have been thinking about our legacy. Our Superteam has spent the last 10 years cleaning out every criminal from every set of caves in Paragon City. Now there are only one group of Thorns left somewhere in Perez Park. We should have time tomorrow before we leave to defeat these last few cavern dwellers. Then no hero will ever have to enter a cave again! It was a long horrible 10 years but it will be worth it knowing no hero will ever have to endure what we went through. The Dark Oracle said something dire would happen if we didn't finish the job but everyone knows she is a crackpot.

Earthmage, Leader of the Spelunkers.

I'm enjoying these. Advice, though: Use HTML such as bold and underline to separate each letter and its author. This will make the thread more appealing.

Edit:

@The Magnificent Apoclypsos: You Jerk!

To my friends in Paragon,
Okay, so I'm going to the Rikti Homeworld. Sounds crazy, right? Well, it's the truth. I'm going with Hero 1 and my sister and like forty other people and we're going to do something like with a magical shield or something? I'm not sure, I wasn't listening. Anyway, I can't think of anything to write here so here's a funny story. The other day I was trying to save this lady from some purse snatchers in Atlas Park and it turns out she was an RN and it was actually a colostomy bag! How crazy is that? They got away so at first I was totally bummed, but then when she told me I just cracked up. I pretty much had to stop and call EVERYONE I knew and tell them all about it. They thought it was HILARIOUS! Okay, well, whatever. I don't really want my last message before leaving to be about colostomy bags and stuff so here's another story. One time I was in Dark Astoria and the sun came out. I was shocked. Anyway I'm still trying to think of something to write here, not having any luck. If anyone is reading this, have you ever eaten at City of Gyros? It's not bad actually. I didn't know what a gyro was so I tried it on a whim. Apparently in Greece they're called "heroes" which is funny because we already have "hero sandwiches" but I guess in the city of heroes every sandwich is going to be a hero sandwich. Good thing Oscillators don't eat sandwiches or we couldn't call them Gyros either. You know, on second though I don't really want my last message to be about sandwiches either, so I'll try to think of a heroic end note to this. Okay, here goes: It has always brought me tremendous pride to be one of the elite protectors of Paragon City. I undertake this mission knowing I might not return, but I would gladly take it as many times as I-- No, nevermind. That makes me sound like a psycho. I dunno. This letter writing business is a lot harder than I anticipated. Jeez. Now what? Uhhhmmm. Uhh... Oh! Mr. Mayor, if you're reading this, can we please find a way to cordon off the RIkti in the Hollows? Or Faultline? Or Boomtown? Those places are horrible. HORRIBLE. HOORRRIIBLLLE. Whatever. Anyway, I just had a thought. Have we actually tried to... you know. TALK to the Rikti? Like, ask them WHY they're invading? A little diplomacy might go a long way, even if they do: like retards: converse. Statesman should just be like "Hey, stop it." and they'll probably just go away. There have to be thousands of planets they could live on, even more so considering they're just from another dimension's Earth. OH MY GOD I wasn't supposed to let that part slip. PLEASE IGNORE! Well, anyway. On that happy note, I just realized something. What if the Rikti world (WHICH IS SO NOT EARTH BY THE WAY) doesn't have a breathable atmosphere? What if we all choke and die as soon as we get there? Oh god, what if it DOES have one and we get stuck somehow? Are we going to have to try and fit in? Eww, will I have to marry into a Rikti royal family and like "Do: I" at the wedding and Hero 1 will have to figure out what to buy us for the wedding? Ugh, this letter has just entered the forbidden zone and I am pulling out RIGHT NOW. Okay, where was I? Idle thought. How does Hero 1 see out of that helmet, anyway? You know who he reminds me of? A British Wolf Spider. I don't even know if I'm supposed to know what a Wolf Spider is canonically yet but I've already done a bunch of unspeakable things in this letter so why stop there, right? Speaking of Hero 1, though, I had another thought. Should we really be taking someone that strong with us? I mean, this may sound crazy, and I may just be totally insane with fear right now, but judging by the Lost, the Rikti can already mutate humans into more Rikti pretty easily. What if they mutate us? Ew. I don't want a fan head. Hang on, I'm being defeatist. That kind of thing would never work on Hero 1 anyway. He's too strong to-- Uh oh. I'm being called away, I think we're about to leave. Okay, wrapping up right now. Heroic note, hurry! Uhm, dear mom and dad: Bye. ...No, that's not enough. Uhm, I love you mom, dad, sis... wait, she's coming too. Okay, mom, dad, I'll miss you very much and I promise to come home soon and without a fan head, and so does everyone else. Have a gyro and just wait for us to come back. In closing... Wait, you don't end a heartfelt letter with "in closing," do you? Maybe you can, I guess it's an option. Is there even a "set" way to write a letter? I mean, I know you're supposed to start with "dear" and use a comma if it's personal or a colon if it's impersonal, and then you sign it with "sincerely" or "best wishes" but... wait, this is stupid and I just screwed up my emotional and heroic farewell. Okay, take two. Goodbye Paragon, and thanks for all the mutant fish. Wait, just kidding, forget that one. Uhm. Trying one more time, then I'm going I swear. Uhhh. Oh! Wait, one last thing, I promise. I gotta ask, and I know I won't get an answer for like five months, but what's the deal with the Warriors? I see them getting mugged in Talos by, like, EVERYONE. Someone should teach them how to fight or something. They should be rumbling in the streets with the Baseball Furies. Would that be a copyright violation? Maybe they're LARPers or something and don't actually know how to fight? Come to think of it, I've never fought one. I wonder if they like gyros? Oh boy, gotta go. Okay, for real this time. Mom, Dad, everyone: I'll miss you guys tremendously. You were the reason I fought so hard to protect this city and why I'm doing what I'm preparing to do as I write this tearful farewell. I promised myself I wouldn't cry but... well, YOU guys try holding them back at a time like this. I dare you. I DOUBLE dare you. Okay, leaving now. For real this time. See you soon! Don't forget to feed my fish! The fish food is behind the tank light on the top next to the plastic flounder thing. And don't flush him down the toilet or he'll end up like the Hydra and I'm not going on a suicide mission to stop my own pet!

Best Wishes,
Infernia, Omega Team.

Dear who it may concern:

If I had know that my sister was coming with me on this suicide mission, I would have just killed myself ahead of time and save the Rikti the trouble. If there's a merciful god, either one of us will die as soon as we exit that portal.

I hope my parents don't find this letter and read the other one I've prepared.

Love,
Glacia

In case I don't return I want everyone to know I told States I thought half a a helmet made him look young and wise at the same time. He's too smart to fall for this line for long so I've included a picture so you guys can see how silly it is.
-Jokestar

This message is for my summoner Mage Archos,

When you get this message I will be off with the Amazing Magical Dan to fight the Rikti and make Paragon City safe. When the leaders said that we needed magical heros to end the Rikti threat I wondered what I, a simple Clay Golem , could do to help. It was then that I first met Magical Dan. He used his amazing powers to make a dime disappear behind his ear and re-appear behind his grand daughter's ear. I knew then that I had found someone who could help end the Rikti threat. I remember his first words to me "Put me down you big clumsy oaf" and "I aint no hero". However on the way back to HQ we are attacked by the Rikti. When they punched him in the lower intestines he made this intense screaming noise which nearly paralyzed the Rikti. His battle cry of "Oh my Colon, Oh the Pain" only confirmed my suspicions that Amazing Magical Dan was a hero in disguise possessing some sort of sonic powers. So I have placed the Amazing Dan in a stasis tube so he will be at full power and tomorrow together we will make history.

The Simple Clay Golem




They say my powers will prove useful against the Rikti. I know 4 magic phrases. CAFEBABE, CAFEDOOD, 25 50 44 46, and MEOW. With these 4 phrases I can do terrible things to robots but not a whole lot to the Rikti who I believe are non-robotic and non-cyborg creatures. However I do believe in the heroes who tell me I will make a difference. Maybe its not my magic but instead my Sprinting , Brawling or Apprentice Charm that will help turn the tide. However in a moment of doubt I ran to Wentworth's and put a down payment on a St Louis Slammer to be delivered before we leave tomorrow. So tommorrow if I can't use my anti-technology magic then I will be casting Apprentice Charm with all my might. If the Apprentice Charm fails me then its up to the St Louis Slammer. Then I will utter the last magic phrase I know, "Lets Play Two", and it will have to be enough.


The Magic Number

You sure that wasn't from Lady Walloftext?

Clicking on the linked image above will take you off the City of Heroes site. However, the guides will be linked back here.

Before I leave on this one final trip I must take to time to clear the air and admit to my mistakes . I was the person who started teaching waiters in restataunts to ask people if they want ground pepper on their food. I told Hollywood to make the movie Showgirls. One weekend I taught the first group of people how to talk loudly on cellphones in restaraunts. I taught people in New Jersey to switch over to the left hand lane of traffic if they were driving slower than everyone else. I taught people with webpages on the internet to put in as many pop ups as possible when trying to read one article. I taught people to tailgate in Drivers Ed. I taught people at Insurance Companies to act like they are doing you a huge favor when they are doing their job. The other week I told some TV executive "Just throw a bunch of reality shows on your channel" .

In order to make up for my many mistakes I have created one last great idea that people will love. This is my parting gift to the heroes of Paragon City.

The Enhancement Diversifier





When I first started being a hero I was just a simple reincarnated girl from the Moon Kingdom . Life was simple. Then after a while I kept noticing some heroes who started dressing like me. Then they started making battle cries about Moon Power and I will Punish You. Then they started writing fanfics about me. They started calling my archenemy Queen Beryl and left so many threats that she had to get a new cell phone. They began ruining my life. I started seeing more and more women in Sailor costume running around fighing crimes. They would steal my mail and look through it. They called every boy I ever dated. Then came Sailor Sun, Sailor Nun, Soldier Moon and worst of all Salesman Moon all telling everyone they knew me and using my name to get discounts at stores and eateries. I began drinking from a Brown Paper bag to make them go away. But they never went away and I never had a moments peace. But this one way suicide mission came along. Finally I have one last place I can go where no one will imitate me. I can at last find peace. For only I have the power of the moon and my magical abilities will help save this earth.

Sailor Lunar




I Jomo Momo have decided to join the magical team to attack the portals. For I Jomo Momo am not scientific or mutated but I am in fact magical, yes I Jomo Momo shall be one of the magical company to storm the portal. It will not be a company of technology or natural heroes but magical heroes including me Jomo Momo. For I Jomo Momo have the ability which people call magic. It will not be an attack with guns or clubs but of spells and magic for I Jomo Momo do not use such things. This is because I Jomo Momo am magical and I will use that magic to join the magical team attacking the portals. I have left a 200 Meg document with my last will and testament which must be a magical document because I Jomo Momo am a magical hero.

Jomo Momo




It is with a heavy heart we have learned that our leader the famous Sailor Lunar has decided to sacrifice her magical self in order to save Paragon City and the Earth from the vile aliens. Last night at Salesman Moon's apartment we gathered to discuss this terrible news. After much soul searching and eating pork rinds all of us marched over to Hero One's place and asked to be put in the Magical Attack team. Every last one of us volunteered from Sailor Nebula to Tuxedo Max. We all piled into Landlubber Moon's Winnebago and after a stop to pick up several cases of Diet Orange Crush and Pork Rinds we all headed to Hero One's Address from the mail which accidentally fell out of Sailor Lunar's Mailbox the other day. At first Hero One was reluctant to have us along. However Salesman Moon began leading people in shouts of Moon Power and several people pointed out that many of us really have magical powers. He agreed if one major villain would vouch for us as powerful magical heroes then we could go. We were happy but then despair set in as villains after villain laughed at us. However in a huge stroke of luck Queen Beryl agreed to vouch for all of us and said she was sad to see us go but understood the need of the earth was greater than her own personal villainy.

So tomorrow as a big surprise we will all portal jumping after Sailor Lunar has gone in. We will spend our last few hours together singing some Moon Powers songs that were on a website. We also brought some hair samples and nail clipping from Tuxedo Mask's rehabilitation after his nervous breakdown to show Sailor Lunar. I can't wait to see the huge smile on Sailor Lunar's face when the entire Sailor Scout Squad assembled for one final battle. Sailor Mook, Sailor Sun, Sailor Nebula, Salesman Moon, Sailor Sun, Tuxedo Max, Tusk Mask, Tuxedo Mike, Sailor Asteroid, Landlubber Moon, Sailor Uranus, Sally Moon and Sailor Moo all in one last grand gesture of Moon Power. Rikti! In the name of the Moon we will punish you!

Sailor Mu

HELP!!

These maniacs are holding me against my will and threatening to drag me across the universe to attack some aliens or something... They claim my magical powers are needed. I keep telling these wacko's that the quater behind the ear and I got your nose tricks are just slieght of hand but they won't believe me!!

Please, please, please read this before you shove it in the time capsul and send someone to get me away from these nutjobs!!!

Signed,
Marvin the Marvelous - Stage Magicians
Available for Birthdays and Bah Mitzvahs
Local Jobs Only!

To whom it may concern... or to anyone bored enough to actually read this crap,

Before I depart on what is probably a suicide mission to the Rikti home world to, once again, save the "beloved" citizen of Paragon City I'd like to clear the air. Frankly I'm glad to be leaving Paragon City and hope we never return. You people are without a doubt the most ungrateful, impolite and obnoxious group of so called human being I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. I can't count the number of time I have been standing at the entrance to City Hall engaged in meaningful conversation with my fellow heroes only to have some mindless citizen walk right into me and bump me out of their way. Would it hurt you SO much to take two or three extra steps and walk around? Of course half the citizens I help on the street as gangs of Hellions, Skulls or whatever attempt to mug them think a perfectly good thanks you consists of "Maybe I was wrong about capes!" I see so until I personally saved you stupid purse full of who knows what trivial junk I was just another piece of $%&@! I hope this whole mission flops and the Rikti take over. It would serve you all right to end up wandering around in a mindless daze like the Lost.

Belzar, The Disgruntled


Dear Countess Crey,

I'm sorry I won't be into work for a while but I got this really neat opportunity to help Hero 1 and I think we are going through some portal and try to end the war. Anyway I left all the notes you asked for about my Dad's research on cloning in a file on my computer. I just know the Paragon Protector Project is going to help the city recover from the invasion and the crime wave that seems to be growing worse. Imagine an army of super heroes all ready and willing to help protect the city we love and call home! Well they say we have to go now so I'll end this and head off to do my part. I just know a woman as kind and thoughhtful as you will put my father's research to only good use.

Your friend and faithful servant

Gary 00007



Dear Fusionette,

Okay so like I am going through this portal thingie and that guy with the really cool British accent.. You know... Hero One. Well he says we are like going to use our powers to like seal some portal or something and stop the Rikti. I hope they have a really cool mall there cause they are only letting us take a small personal bag and well you KNOW I can't go anywhere without my makeup so all I am taking aside from that is my Bikini. I just know that there will be some really cool beaches we can hang at once we get there. Seriously though you are like totally my best friend forever and I just want to say ... Well be careful while I'm gone girlfriend. You have a habit of like walking into places without looking and I can't remember how many times I have had to totally bail you out cause you wound up captured. Anyway I should only be gone for a few day I mean how long can it possibly take to seal some silly portal? So like stay out of trouble till I get back cause I don't think the other Supers will be to happy if they have to , well you know, keep stopping whatever to find you and rescue you AGAIN.

You BFF

Candi

PS I think Hero One is so totally hot don't you?

PPS When I get back we should talk I think you should break up with that Faultline dude... he's way too moody.

PPPS I just heard some guy on the team say this is probably a one way mission.. so like what does that mean anyway? Never mind It's probably not important. See you next week :-D

PPPPS Oh forget what I said about Jim. He's cute and when he gets all moody it does kind of remind me of Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp now he is REALLY hot. Kisses see ya soon GF! XOXOXO

At least when I come back I will still be unique. I would hate to be some strong man or someone with Ice powers who struggled back from the Rikti mission only to find thousands of copycats. I bet Captain Shield will have dozens of shield wielding copycats. It is great to be unique.

The Dual Pistol Demon Summoner

To the people of Paragon,

After many years of toil, I have finally discovered a way to cure all known illnesses. I have the spell memorized in my head and will cast it upon the world and rid humanity of all ailments upon my return from this "Sue E. Side" mission, whatever that means.

Good health to all!
The Great Healz0r

To the citizens of Paragon City...

I was born from the union of a werewolf and a Pumpkin. However the Pumpkins and Werewolves have been at war in Croatoa long before I was born. So I was looked on with scorn and hatred by both Pumpkins and Werewolves. I became a hero and tried to make Croatoa safe for everyone. Now I leave to make the world safe for everyone. I hope that someday we will have a world where pumpkins and werewolves will learn to co-exist. But hopefully every Red Cap will be dead because I don't like them.

The Jackal Lantern



Reply hazy, ask again later

The Magic Eight Ball



As the foremost stage magician and martial artist in Paragon City I knew I would be included in this mission. As my Uncle Ernie used to say "If the Magic don't get em, then the Groin Kicks will". Hopefully he will be released from the Zig by the time this is opened.

Hocus Poke Us


It started off early when I used to sneak out of school to pull rabbits out of a hat. Then I would cut class to work the card trick circuit in the Rogue Isles. Then I got hooked on the hard stuff. First it was escaping from straight jackets, then levitation, and finally I hit rock bottom with sawing people in half. It got so bad that sometimes I would find people passed out in gutters and would wake them up screaming "Pick a Card Pick a Card". But thanks to scream therapy I was cured and I joined the Midnight Squad. How could I refuse these heroes when they needed magic to fight the Rikti. I only hope that they can help some other kid stop pulling scarves out from their mouth before its too late.

Hex-a-decibel



Its been a rough few last years. First Twinkie the Kid got caught in some Hellion Skull crossfire. Then Captain Cupcake turned his back on a Freakshow tank boss and paid for it with his delicious creamy filling. King Don got crowned by a Troll Rave and the Chocodile disappeared near Eden. Now I sense my time is ending. I will stand between the Rikti and the world and scream "You shall not pass .........up this delicious fruity goodness"

Fruit Pie the Magician




histbeist

The Daily Word Jumble





Tomorrow 6AM get ready for Rikti Suicide Mission
Tomorrow 7AM jump with team and attack rikti
Tomorrow 8AM watch Infernal Demon destroy Rikti Portal
Tomorrow 8:02 AM Yell "Hey Kool Aid" and blame it on Glacia
Tomorrow 8:15 AM Head Wound Trauma


The Daily Planner




Confucious say he who does not go before Omega Team leaves will hope to find Portal Potty

The Fortune Cookie

I would have thought Steelclaw would have jumped into the thread by now.

Why won't anyone believe me when I say I have no magic at all!? Just because it sound similar doesn't mean it is the same!

Hokey Pokey Man