Burning_Brawler_NA

Well, so long as we're using newspeak and 1984 references, any contrary thought would be a crime. (Unless I'm taking this half a step too far as I am known to do. ^_^ )

That's the one. How else could her business thrive in a hick college town?

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My review style: I will usually go through and give a mission by mission breakdown as I play the arc of things I like, don't like, have questions about and also keeping an eye out for simple errors such as spelling or things that don't seem to line up with what's currently going on. The down-side of this is things may seem a little cluttered, or I may repeat myself several times on a point in different places. Overall though, I feel doing it this way gives the most honest relation of my experiences and impressions during the arc. That being said, I'll get to it.

Pre-Arc

I'll be running this arc on a level 45 MA/Will Scrapper. I usually play her missions set with her being worth two heroes and for bosses to always appear as bosses. We'll see if she stays that way through the arc or not.


The Description has some grammatical and spelling errors (sence rather than since). I was debating if this is improper to do, but I have a corrected version here:

Some of the sentences still seem a little off (perhaps saying "arrived on Primal Earth in November of 2004"). Personally, the description is the hardest part for me to write- wanting to give a good idea of what the arc will be without giving too much away. But enough about that- I'll actually get to the arc now.

Mission 1

Okay, opening lines from the contact are short and to the point- not a bad thing, necessarily. I'm seeing a recurring grammatical issue- counting numbers should be typed out (4 should be four, for example.)

So, as I ran forward, puzzling out why I was seeing Coralax and Pirates together, it occurred to me at level 15, I may not be so amazing as usual. The mob quickly confirmed this for me, sending me running in a few seconds. I think using these two NPC groups to create "The Flying Dutchman" is a neat idea. Reminds me a lot of Pirates 2. They're also pretty effective fighters- ouch.

Ah, that's better. As I recued the first Mysterious Citizen, I took the battle a bit more cautiously. They seem a pretty balanced mixed, not too crazy to fight. The Mysterious Citizen didn't seem to want to follow and aid me in the fight. I wasn't sure whether or not that was intended. Ah, and then I read his description. Confusion cleared!

Meeting The Stranger was a good breather, as he makes going through the mission much easier. In his Ally dialogue, check where it says "Perhaps you haven't hear..." Hear should be heard. And "Are you hideing too now?" Hideing should be hiding. I think grammar issues (mostly just comma placement) will be a common note for the rest of the arc- I won't harp on it anymore. I do suggest going through and trying to fix those though to give polish. Stranger is also lacking any sort of description. For that matter, The Flying Dutchman's crew still has their normal descriptions (including Davy Jones).

The Fight with Jones: Not too tough of a fight, especially with Stranger helping out. I wasn't sure if him having Assault Rifle was the best idea, or at least, for him to have Flame Thrower. Also, should he be able to bubble and fly? If he's a ghost like the Night Haunts, you should be able to make him appear like the Reflections do.

I was surprised that the Ancestor actually looked like me. I guess Doppleganger must have gotten added to the MA while I wasn't paying attention. That or it was just a really weird coincidence, heh.

The Contact's return text has a spelling issue as well: thoughs should be those.

Overall, the first mission is fun. A few grammar and spelling issues, but nothing major. Might want to make it clear that the Mysterious Citizens will not follow you, either by putting that in their dialogue or by changing them from an Ally to a Free A Captive.

Mission 2

Okay, a few more spelling and grammar issues in the contact's opening lines. The text is still short and to the point, but I am still kept interested in what's going on, which is good.

I was very glad to see The Stranger was put in the front of the mission so he could help me as I go through it. I was a little disappointed though to see he had nothing to say once I'd rescued him.

Davy Jones proved again to be a pretty good fight. I noticed the vapor on him this time and get that he's a ghost as well, but still beleive it couldn't hurt to give him the Reflection's transparency. I actually ended up fighting Jones before Jack because I am currently still looking for him. On Jack: there was no mention of him being a required mission goal in any sort of context, meaning there was no justification for me knowing to go after him. Either The Stranger or the Contact could have mentioned something.

Upon finding Jack, I was surprised to see that I now have to defeat my Ancestor. Curious, I went off to hunt for her in these tunnels. Is there perhaps a smaller map that can be used? There is a lot of back and forth happening while carting an NPC who seems slow on the uptake around with you. I elected to actually ditch the Stranger and learned that he also has no text for when that happens. Part of his problem I think is he intermittently swaps ammo types, even out of combat. For mechanic and thematic reasons, I suggest taking that power away from him.

WOAH! My ancestor has Kheldian and Ice powers? Where did those babies come from? In all seriousness, this was actually harder than fighting Jones. I ended up running back for the Stranger, smacking him around a bit, then forcing him to take aggro so something could actually get done in this fight. After all that, I exited the mission.

Thoughts on this mission: The use of the "once this is done, this objective appears" mechanic could maybe be cleaned up a bit, if only to give this mission some clearer directions and better sequencing. Maybe you should only have Rescue the Stranger and Defeat First Mate Jack up at first- keep the Ancestor set to happen after Jack, but then reveal the treasure after the Ancestor is gone, and then Jones arrives. Properly stagger your objectives to. Keep Stranger and Jack set to spawn in the front of the mission, have your Ancestor spawn in the middle, and keep Jones and the Treasure in the back. Lastly, consider picking a map that's a bit smaller or at least doesn't branch out so much. If Stranger is going to be using Swap Ammo every thirty seconds, that's way too much area to search and try to get him to keep up.

Mission Three

Ooh... Okay... Major fourth wall slap. You don't need to call attention to the fact that the arc is neutral and explain to us why that is. Or at least, not so directly. I've already justified it to myself why it's neutral. Either way, for whatever reason, my character wants to know more about Lord Imperial. Whether that is out of curiousity or to find a way to destroy him depends on my alignment. Also a slap, referring to the Circle as "CoT." We've turned from telling a story to using chatspeak. I'm starting to feel the Contact has no real voice. Try thinking of someone you know, someone who's informed and the way they talk. Write the dialogue as if that person was saying everything. Maybe a professor or teacher would work well here? That should help make this seem less like reading teamchat and more like reading a contact's dialogue.

I walk inside to find- green-skinned Legacy Chain? I became very concerned for a moment that my Graphics Card was somehow busted or my resolution was off, but my skin tint was fine. Which led me to the decision that this was a modified NPC group, not the Legacy Chain. If that is the case, I suggest they perhaps get their own NPC group name and descriptions.

Not sure if I like Shark Mage or not. Something just seems a little off here. Also, should Shark Mage know why I am there? How does he have that knowledge? Aren't I going back in time? How does he know we call our earth "Primal Earth?" Does he really care what world Imperial goes to? (I've gathered they're enemies at least, for whatever reason) I do like however that there are random patrols of Thorns wandering about- it gives the map a more alive feel, that they actually are on patrol for intruders. Kudos.

Watching Shark Mage fight gives me a little pause. So, he's Davy Jones, who is a ghost, but now calls himself Shark Mage, and still uses an assault rifle. Something isn't quite synching here with me. Perhaps Davy being Mage should be abandoned altogether? Or, better yet, if Davy really has shown himself how he truly is, maybe he should abandon the rifle and have a different primary that fits his new image? His abandonment message of "No we need him alive remember!" is also a tad confusing. I don't think I'm really getting enough context here, through the contact or the mission content, to understand really what's going on. Which brings me back to why on earth are there green-skinned Legacy Chain? O.o

Upon finding Imperial, I noticed he too has no description. Seeing as he is the focus of the arc, I found this somewhat disappointing.

I was surprised to see the CoT leader was me. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I did end up asking myself if there are actually CoT and Legacy Chain and whatever else in that dimension. Obviously, there must be.

Upon return to the contact, I am reminded the dialogue needs a little work.

Mission 4

I can forgive being told I'm about to have an easy mission, but I really do feel I need more context in this arc as to what is happening.

Upon entering the mission, I was given two impressions: One, that Imperial was fortunate enough to arrive in Atlas during a big, swanky event and Two: That the Circle of Thorns are from another dimension (which, canonically speaking, isn't true.) I proceeded to do some rescuing, and was disappointed by the lack of thank yous or even dialogue at all from some the captors or even the captured. Again, there's the use of the term CoT. "Imperial is me from Mythical Earth?" confused me. I wondered how on earth any of them had perceived that knowledge and had that exchange just like that. I also had an, "Oh hey!" moment when I came to the assumption that the contact is Neptune. This was a nice moment for me, because it finally gave me a link as to why the contact was telling me Imperial's story in the first place.

I next went to fight Akarist. I didn't realize how resilient he was until this fight and found it interesting how long it took myself and this full team of NPC allies to knock him down. He too had no text or justification for being there, which led me to believe he was placed simply because he was a Circle EB. Baphomet was much of the same (though much easier to kill). His only reason it seemed for being there was because he was an Elite Boss; no text or reason given.

I have nothing really to say about the return text. Looking back on the mission as a whole however, it's becoming clear that the lack of information given is really hurting my enjoyment of the arc as a whole. The more odd choices would be more easily understood if I wasn't left on my own to determine what is going on as much as I am. You have to remember that most people playing your arc have no clue who Imperial is or how he came to be. Things have to be explained in the proper time and to the proper extent so the player isn't left lost and confused. Creating questions is fine, but eventually there should be some answers.

Mission 5

On the opening text for this mission: The first sentence is a run-on, try breaking it up a bit. One question: if Imperial is just trying to head straight back to his home dimension, why did he bother getting a hero license just then? Don't feel limited by the way the game starts you off. This is your story. Don't let the way CoX tells your story rule your own take on things.

As I began the task of rescuing, well, everyone, I was very thankful you chose the same animation throughout the arc for the captives. It was an easy beacon for tracking them down. I was very confused by the Mythical Earth Counterpart's talk of not being able to fight me and reversing spells. I honestly have no clue what's going on there. I just know that for whatever reason, she is an ally this time against the Circle (which she is (was?) a part of). I have to say something about the lack of Ally text, that being that there is a reason for it. Your major ones are Ally Inactive, Ally Active, and the message they give for when they are abandoned/reacquired. The reason for this is it lets us know A) Where they are B) That we've killed the entire mob around them and freed them and C) That we've accidentally ditched them and need to turn back. Besides being a great way to add some life to your characters and expand your story, these are tools that help the player keep track of them. Since there are so many in your arc, this is a tool we really need.

Upon completing my rescues, I ran off to track down Akarist and Baphomet again, wondering once more why I have to fight them in particular. I was reminded that Akarist is the most resilient Elite Boss in the game and given no hints by him or anyone else as to why he is there. I had to take a pretty long trek back through the mission to find Baphomet, which would be fine if I were given a reason why I couldn't have kicked his sorry tail on the way in. If this choice was made because it was felt that in order to make the mission more solo-able, you should rescue all the allies first, let the player make that decision. If I thought I could take him alone no problem, I would. If I wanted to let the NPCs wipe the floor with him and sit back with popcorn, I would.

The return text was a plug for the sequel- which is good, interested players need to know there is a sequel so they can continue, but at the same time, we need something story related material in there as well. My suggestion is to have your contact wrap-up, mention that the story doesn't stop there, and then, perhaps in a different colored text, plug part 2.

Also, did Imperial go back to Mythical Earth? Or did something about the encounter at Portal Corp. make him stay? This could probably be explained somewhere in the mission (or be explained more clearly if it is already). I'm sure once we play the other arcs, we understand. But we really should know the answer to that question at the end of this part. Perhaps the contact could tell us that?

Final Thoughts

I think this arc has a lot of potential. Origin stories interest me, and despite the issues I had, I was still interested in where things were going to go next. Thematically, I liked that the further we got into things, the higher the mission levels got. That's something that I think could be used even more effectively in the story-telling.

Major things that need fixing are:

Grammar and spelling- Go back through your dialogue from the Contact, the Allies, the Enemies, all of them. See if you can't catch a few places you might have made some mistakes and tighten that up.

Fleshing out your story- We need more from everyone involved. The NPCs in the Flying Dutchman group should have names other than those they have as Coralax/Red Hands as well as their own descriptions. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, I just want to be able to see them as the Flying Dutchman crew without the reminder that it's really just Coralax and Red Hands. And give your own characters descriptions! If I click info on them, it's because I'm curious about who they are. Reward me for caring with a little background. None of these have to be extensive, just something that gives me some idea of why this character is in the story. And give me the story to. I like that we are there for the action of the origin, that's good. But we're not being given anything to set that action into context, not from the contact and not from the NPCs. Don't be afraid to let your Contact speak more. I promise he won't bore us.

The amount of NPCs- I don't mind the odd NPC here and there and enjoy placing a few in an arc myself sometimes. But when you have three, four, five of them, I can honestly just fly over what I want killed like some form of over-powered Mastermind and let them do all the work without fear of losing any of them. And that's even in my ramped up difficulty settings.

Things I enjoyed:

Mechanics- The use of completing one objective to open the next was a good choice, since in a mission we may need to see several things happen for that part of the story to come across. These do need tightening up however so as to prevent unmotivated back-tracking and a player accidentally doing things outside of the order you may have intended. I also liked that the Circle were patrolling and defending their own city. As I said above, it makes things feel more alive for me.

We were part of it- The fact that you allowed players to be a part of your origin story, not just spectators, was very nice. And I don't mean just the Dopplegangers, but as people who were actually moving things along. Thank you for that, it definitely made things more involved and is probably a large part of what kept my interest.

In-game, I gave this arc a Four. Here, I would say it is probably at about a 3.5 out of 5, but with the potential for a much better rating. Take a look at the things I suggested and see where you can make this (and the following arcs) a tighter, more enjoyable playing experience with the fleshed out story it deserves.







This is the arc I would like to offer up for critique: