Another Steelclaw Handy-Dandy Translation

Steelclaw · 01-10-2011 11:01 PM

For the fun of it I put the recent Producer Letter through my handy-dandy Steelclaw Translat-O-Tron 5000. Once the smoke and the smell of burnt cabbage cleared, this is what it oozed out.

Quote:

Thanks, Jesse! I'm proud to fill your shoes and lead the charge into 2011 and beyond. Without further ado, here is my first Producer's letter:

Thanks a lot, Jess... You skipped town and left me with all your accumulated errors and mistakes to either fix or eventually be assigned blame for. With leet blame-shifting skills like this, you are destined for CEO greatness... or possibly a career in politics. But, as long as you've saddled me with it, I might as well get this over with...

Quote:

2011 is upon us and at Paragon Studios we can’t be more excited about what we’re working on; I’d love to tell you all of the amazing stuff we have coming up, but I wouldn’t want to spoil all the surprises.

We've got some great stuff planned for 2011. I'd love to tell you all of the amazing things in the works but there's this Marketing Enforcer standing over me with a pair of brass knuckles and a friendly smile. He said something about getting my family's address out of my emergency contact information.

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Suffice it to say that this is some of the best content we have yet put into the game. I am looking forward to using these Producer Letters to give you a sense of where we are and where we are going--as a team and as a game, for this year and beyond.

It is my hope to use these Producer Letters to get help from the outside world. Perhaps a free-form algorithm or massive word scramble. If one of the players can crack the code they can get in here and rescue me! WarWitch has been threatening me with PohSyb bathing duties!

Quote:

Unparalleled Content: Over the past couple of years, we have really challenged ourselves at Paragon Studios to develop better and better content.

Over the past couple years, the bosses here have started expecting actual results if we want to keep our jobs. Taking naps and mailing it in is no longer accepted. Oh, and did you know the Grandfather Law doesn't apply to job expectations?

Quote:

We want to give everyone the chance to try new things and use their powers in new ways. We want you to see the game world and your character from new dramatic angles.

We want you to see the the game world and your character from new dramatic angles. That's why I am pushing new Random Camera Angle Action. You want drama? Try targeting the boss enemy during epic battles with the camera spinning wildly and ending up trapped behind a wall!

Quote:

With the upcoming Incarnate Trials, you’re going to be able to take your characters to power levels undreamt (Power! I tell you! muahahaha) and really see some of the most exciting gameplay we’ve ever been able to create.

Incarnate Trials will be loads of fun for the players who work hard and max out their incarnate abilities. But it will be loads of LAUGHS for the development team as well! We've included a subroutine that detects any Incarnate Trial being run by characters with no actual Incarnate abilities. All such attempts will be simulcast to the NCSoft Employee break room.

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We’ve also dramatically improved the art, with some of the best animations, effects, audio, characters, and environments we’ve ever produced; early this year, we’re going to be giving you a pretty “wild” new look, and later this year we’ll turn up the pressure.

In 2011 we will be introducing dozens of new Booster Packs to satisfy every possible costume desire/fetish your greedy little hearts desire. We're even going to include NPC Booster Packs that will let you change the appearance of enemy groups on your PC! Want the Carnival of Shadows to look like the Rockettes? Want to dress up Malta as your favorite NFL team? Also in 2011 we'll be introducing the new NCSoft Line of Credit for those of you who may not be able to afford all our great Boosters up front!

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The Future Is Now:

That's right! We're FINALLY taking full advantage of Ouroboros!

Quote:

The features we have brought you in the game over the last year are just the first steps on a voyage to bigger, better, shinier, much more exciting things in 2011 and beyond. Going Rogue set up the world of Praetoria. Issue 19 introduced the Incarnate system and some of our most challenging content to date.

Going Rogue and Issue 19 were all a long set up for 2011. You didn't see it coming. You just stood there kissing your girlfriend in the middle of the spooky abandoned summer camp all unaware. You didn't feel the deepening of the shadows. You didn't hear the suspenseful oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah music building in the background. You didn't listen to the wierd old guy when he told you about the legend of the deranged child who was drowned in the lake after eating the orphans before being cursed by the gypsy woman who was born of an insane nun.

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Issue 20 will unleash the Incarnate Trials that bring you even more raw power courtesy of the next levels of Incarnate abilities. Issue 21 will continue to develop these storylines and features in new and thrilling ways. All the great things we are producing take you steps, leaps, and superleaps closer to the resolution of an epic storyline, and we want your characters to help lead that journey.

Remember the Incarnate slots and all that? We got all that done in 2010. ALL OF IT. We decided to release it in dribs and drabs through out '11. That's right, we're taking the year off! SUCKAHS!

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End Game for All:

Please insert another quarter to continue.

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We have always wanted to provide a game that was open to everyone.

Well, everyone able to pay the monthly subscription fee anyway.

Quote:

We want you to feel powerful when you visit our world, and the Incarnate Trials will be inclusive, accessible, and easy to participate in. Not to say that it isn’t some of the most challenging and exciting content we have ever provided, but we want to make it possible for you to participate in easily, without the need to belong to an elitist “raiding guild” and without surrendering your weekends for a small chance at rolling on a random reward.

We want you to feel powerful when you visit our world, and to this end we are encouraging street sweeping in a zone you've already out-leveled. The Incarnate Trials, on the other hand, are going to make you cry like a newborn baby who just got b**ch slapped awake by the doctor. Belonging to elitist "raiding guilds" won't help you because they'll be crying even harder than you since they had further to fall. You remember that guy you always hated playing AD&D with? The sadist who created nothing but killer dungeons and laughed when your favorite character died to a kobold? We hired him.

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Now that many of you have begun your ascension to Incarnate, we’ll be releasing the Rare and Very Rare tiers of the Alpha Slot in just a few short weeks to help you get a leg up on the launch of Issue 20.

We're going to release the Rare and Very Rare tiers of the Alpha Slot in just a few short weeks to give you a false sense of confidence before you try out the Incarnate Trial. You'll note we called it the Incarnate TRIAL; not the Incarnate Walk-In-The-Park.

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Service with a Smile:

Smiles gained through only the very best in used-car-salesman training seminars.

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In recent years we’ve worked hard to not just give you all ever-more-engaging content, but also to continue to improve everyone’s overall experience playing City of Heroes and Villains. Often this comes from updating old content but also in improvements to the way you interact with the game.

We've found it easier to update old content and pass it off as working hard to improve your game experience. To this end we will be revamping the Atlas Park Sewer Run! Yes, the old classic way to get to level 10 quick and easy will be undergoing a content upgrade! What will the new Sewer Run look like? Got three words for ya: MORE!! RIKTI!! MONKEYS!!

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For example, we are currently working to integrate City of Heroes into the NCsoft Launcher, which will bring with it a significant improvement to the process of downloading and updating the game for all NA and EU (Mac and PC) customers. One of the immediate benefits is that all of our customers will finally benefit from the same launcher and the most up-to-date information; this is the first step in bringing our communities together.

We are loading City of Heroes into the new NCSoft Launcher. I tell ya, before I could only fling one of those CoH CDs around fifty feet. Now with that Launcher I can put one through the door of a '93 Accord from 500 yards. Yeah, Lou from accounting still won't talk to me... sheesh.. crybaby... it's not like he lost the leg or anything.

Quote:

Love You, Man:

You women can go to hell.

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I want to make it clear that you, the players, are the most important aspect of City Of…,

At least the male ones are.

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and we want you guys to know this.

See? Told ya.

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I am committed to giving you insight into where we are going, what we are doing, and how AWESOME it’s going to be (to steal a favorite word from War Witch).

See? I'm even stealing things from a woman. Seriously, how clear do I have to be?

Quote:

With the pure ambition of Issues 18, 19, 20, and 21, I know we’ve been focused on development and a little quieter than usual on the forums, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t been listening.

And trust me, we've been keeping a LONG list of all you forumites who have been specially whiny or annoying this past year. You will be eliminated, slowly and painfully. Gold plated Steelclaw my purple speckled a**.

Quote:

We want you to have an active voice in where we are going--you wanted the Incarnate System to be more epic, and thus was Issue 19 born. You wanted more info on the Praetorian incarnation of Hamidon, and we’ll be giving you more, starting at PAX East this year.

We want you to have an active voice in where we are going -- because we've come to learn that your voices are going to be da**ed active whether we want them to be or not. We'll tell you more at PAX East... maybe that will get you to quiet down a little bit... at least until then... at which time we'll tell you about our exciting new CoH Bean Dip recipe... or something.

Quote:

No, I Mean It:

Bean dip. Seriously! Your tastebuds will be tap dancing. Swear!

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As the development team’s New Year’s Resolution, we are going to be even more active with all of you through the forums, Facebook, dev diaries, and Q&As about the Incarnate Trials, Lore, and all the great features we have in development. You’ll see more interaction with the old hands like Dark Watcher and The Television, as well as from some of the fantastic new talent you may not have met yet.

As the development team's New Year's Resolution, we have drawn straws to see who is going to actually go in to the Lion's Den and talk to you animals. Such "brave" souls will not only risk your disfavor and the slimy touch of your fan-boy fingers, but must endure the constant panic of saying the wrong thing or releasing the wrong info and getting fired by our Marketing Dept! Dark Watcher and The Television were two who got the short straws. Their subsequent resignations were NOT accepted.

Quote:

We’ll also be bringing you some rewards for your continued loyalty, like Double XP “Weekend” from January 27-31, and keep your eyes peeled for an announcement next week on plans for our seventh anniversary this spring.

We'll also be bringing you some rewards for your continued loyalty, like Double XP Weekend! We shall also be making that weekend a free renewal weekend so we can reward our... umm... disloyal... players as well... wait, what?

Quote:

Thanks for your continued support, your continued participation, and for being the best gaming community in this dimension.

Thanks for paying my salary!

Quote:

As a long-time player of City of Heroes before I joined Paragon, I know how fantastic the people are who play this game. I want to use these producer’s letters to stay in touch with you, so please feel free to respond with topics you’d like for me to address in the future.

I want nothing more than to read every single idea for the game that you've ever come up with! No matter how many times it's already been suggested in the forums. No matter how ridiculous or silly. No matter even if you are the only person in the known world who would ever want such a thing as a Collander Helmet That Sprays Streams of Water Out of Every Hole. Just write down those ideas and send them to me! You can reach me at my global... @WarWitch.

This has been yet another successful translation from the Steelclaw Translat-O-Tron 5000.

I keed, I keeeed.

My mind wanders so often you've probably seen its picture on milk cartons. - Me... the first person version of the third person Steelclaw

Smash_Zone · 01-10-2011 11:08 PM

I was this close to actually falling out of my chair from laughter. xD

Amazing, Steelclaw. I would expect no less from you.

Arc ID: 348998 - Becoming a villain
Arc ID: 373341 - To Save a Hero

Got Inf?

Night-Hawk07 · 01-10-2011 11:15 PM

Hold on, I think I busted a gut.

Freedom
Blueside: Knight'Hawk, lvl 50, Scrapper
Yellowside: Dark'Falcon (Loyalist), lvl 20, Blaster

That Stinging Sensation #482183

Dark_Respite · 01-11-2011 12:31 AM

Damn you.

I sensibly put down my mostly full glass of ginger ale so I wouldn't inadvertently inhale it while laughing... unfortunately, I laughed so hard at your take on the CoH Launcher that my knees banged into my desk, and I promptly spilled my soda all over the place.

And now I sense "bean dip" is going to be one of those non sequitor phrases that has me laughing.

Michelle
aka
Samuraiko/Dark_Respite

Dark_Respite's Farewell Video: "One Last Day"
THE COURSE OF SUPERHERO ROMANCE CONTINUES!
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378944: Too Clever by Half / 459581: Kill or Cure / 551680: Clerical Errors (NEW!)

Prof_Backfire · 01-11-2011 01:04 AM

I missed ya, Steelclaw. You make this game way too funny.

Electric-Knight · 01-11-2011 01:21 AM

Haha... I can't believe they hired that dungeon master...
I heard that's why Castle really left (even after he was allowed to reincarnate his character as a herring).

Also... I need to stock up on my quarters for the end game content!!

The Electric-Knight ______ Malfaz _____ Zox'Oculox

@Zethustra

"Now at midnight all the agents and the superhuman crew come out
and round up everyone that knows more than they do"-Dylan

www.pauldamonthomas.com - Original Music

je_saist · 01-11-2011 01:36 AM

*... is now posting from a Pentium III computer with a Riva 128 because the GOOD computer has been showered with Cherry Dr. Pepper...*

I can just see War Witch now, sitting on top of her desk, filing her nails calmly, swinging her legs back and forth, as she peers through her glasses at Tele and Dark Watcher tied to two folding chairs, two large goons standing over their shoulders.

She instructs the prisoners that yes... they'll have to go login to the forums... or face... having to play all the way through Omikron: Nomad Soul!

Then she bursts into a cackling laughter and claps her hands, and a curtain arises behind her, revealing two Sega Dreamcasts with that horrible entity ready... and waiting...

seconds later Dark Watcher and Tele burst from her office screaming, broken shells of the people they once were, responding to every private message, answering every forum post... ANYTHING to prevent the horrible torture again.

Tymers_Realm · 01-11-2011 07:36 AM

Well that's one way to wake up from a restless nights sleep.

Thank you steelclaw. Now you've made the day bearable for me. Thank you.

Thank you for the time...

@Travlr (Main) / @Tymers Realm (Test)

Arc 5299: Magic, Mystery, and Mayhem Updated!! 09/15/09

Mindscythe · 01-11-2011 11:13 AM

I laughed so hard, my wife came downstairs to see if I was just reading or watching something that funny or I'd finally gone completely 'round the bend.

Bravo, Steelclaw, bravo.

RemusShepherd · 01-11-2011 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steelclaw

You remember that guy you always hated playing AD&D with? The sadist who created nothing but killer dungeons and laughed when your favorite character died to a kobold? We hired him.

This is not true, because I am That Guy.

In general, however: LOL. Well, done, Steelclaw.

...
New Webcomic -- Genocide Man
Life is funny. Death is funnier. Mass slaughter can be hilarious.

Vaxin · 01-12-2011 04:29 PM

Bravo, Love it
Made me snort with laughter, and tears streaming down my face.
I look forward to your next edition

Hatter: "Have I gone Mad?"
(Alice checks Hatter's temperature)
Alice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers, nutter, crazy, But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Burning_Brawler_NA · 01-12-2011 04:42 PM

I think from now on I'll wait to read the Producer Letters til after they've gone through your translator. Much more enjoyable that way!

Arc ID: 475246, "Bringing a Lord to Power"

"I'm only a simple man trying to cling to my tomorrow. Every day. By any means necessary."
-Caldwell B. Cladwell

Shadow Ravenwolf · 01-12-2011 08:39 PM

Well Done Steelclaw!!

...as usual.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steelclaw

We are loading City of Heroes into the new NCSoft Launcher. I tell ya, before I could only fling one of those CoH CDs around fifty feet. Now with that Launcher I can put one through the door of a '93 Accord from 500 yards. Yeah, Lou from accounting still won't talk to me... sheesh.. crybaby... it's not like he lost the leg or anything.

/bug "Toyota Corolla minus a hubcap."

Comic and Hero/Villain Culture

Saturday January 29th, 2005 (12:37 PM) ~ Monday August 9th, 2010

Those Who Lived It Will Remember Long after your Ban Hammer Crumbles and the servers flicker dead.

We Will Remember This One Moment In Time! ~ Shadow Ravenwolf

BigFish · 01-12-2011 11:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadow Ravenwolf

Well Done Steelclaw!!

...as usual.

/bug "Toyota Corolla minus a hubcap."

He's probably missing another hubcap now, seeing as how he works at Cryptic. Poor boy

There is no such thing as an "innocent bystander"

Tired Angel · 01-13-2011 06:30 AM

There should be warning "Not Work Safe" I just spent the entire time reading that stifling my laughter!

My fav bit was:

Quote:

You remember that guy you always hated playing AD&D with? The sadist who created nothing but killer dungeons and laughed when your favorite character died to a kobold? We hired him.

Member of GGRRR, a SG on Defiant - check out our website - GGRRR

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zwillinger

Quote:

16. Has Paragon Studios redefined "player" to require your mouse to subscribe separately from your keyboard?

If your mouse has greater processing power than your gfx card, the answer is yes.

Quasadu · 01-13-2011 10:04 AM

Awesome.

And I totally want a Collander Helmet That Sprays Streams of Water Out of Every Hole. Make it happen, Jay!

@Quasadu

"We must prepare for DOOM and hope for FREEM." - SirFrederick