Lowbie Arc Reviews by an Altaholic Couple

I posted a topic about this, but to just bring it to your attention, I have a lowbie-villain arc (for levels 10-15 or so) and I'd certainly love to hear what you have to say about it. It's arc #307732, Uninvited. It's four missions long, but most are designed to be relatively quick if such is the intent.

I saw you using 22s for your last review, so I'll toss in:

Matchstick Women #3369
One final EB without defensive powersets or ambushes.
Level range: 25-50 - all customs
Missions: 3 - two small maps, one outdoor map
Description: The smoke is rising, follow it to its source. Find the clues to understand a new cult of women arsonists, burning buildings and kidnapping young women with powers to increase their ranks.

Strike
by @Geekboy
arc: ID 18401

Geek played 3 of our arcs and so he was bumped to the top.

Played on a level 22 ice/pain corr teamed with a level 22 bots/traps mm on easiest diff.

Rated: 5 stars, Highly recommended.

Game Play

The maps were pretty smooth except for a couple of area maps that were intimidating but with a little stealthing, turned out to be rather easy. We pretty much cake walked all the way until the last mission, when the ambushes almost destroyed us. I would hate to see what that would be like if I set up the diff. O.o

Story

This is a very unique arc which takes the perspective of if you didn't do what your contact wanted you to. It has a very underhanded, dastardly feel that I like and is rare in villain arcs. I truly feel that I am the biggest *** in this arc. It is mostly humorous in a dark comedy sort of way. I know I laughed at the "I've already used my one phone call" line.

I have to wonder if the story could be tightened up a bit but then I found myself just enjoying this too much to really concern myself about. I only wish that the "wonder around" missions had a focus or something to direct the player, like a clue but I don't think it really detracts from the story.

There are a few awkward sentences but it's difficult to really nit pick. Especially since the awkwardness is in spoken dialog which technically can be written any way so long as it matches the character. In this case, it didn't fall out of character so it's no biggy, imo.

tl:dr

Play this if you like fun and humorous villain arcs.

Strike!, Arc ID 18401 - by Geek_Boy

Geek Boy was awesome and played several of our arcs, so he goes to the top of the list and gets an immediate review, which we just happened to have the time for this evening. I played this on my 22 Bots/Traps MM and Londer was on his 22 Ice/Pain Corruptor, on the lowest difficulty.

At the beginning I'm a bit unsure what I've done to earn this guy's trust, but the idiot seems to trust me. He mentions that he needs some signatures gathered in support of their cause. He also mentions that he wants access to some Cage Consortium records. At first I was unsure whether he was indicating that I should get the records, but it appears he's just rambling about them. He really just wants signatures from me, but I'm going to get the records anyway.

I really liked the introspective mission accept text, because I think it helped to establish the setting. You're a bad guy, who wants to thwart the Scrapyarders' plans. My only problem here is that the text is formatted the same as the normal mission text. I would change the color at least.

The mission is a straightforward warehouse full of Cage Consortium. I liked the safe cracking details. It was a nice touch.

This clue could be fleshed out a bit: "This is like a laundry list of ways to not stay employed. These guys DESERVE to be treated like that." I would give an example from the list here. There's room to have something humorous.

Alright, so we're framing these Scrapyarders. Entering "Darth Vader" on the petition is awesome.

I don't know who the who the Scrapyarders have their hearing with. it doesn't seem like the Rogue Isles establishment would be very sympathetic to the plight of the common man, but whatever.

There are a couple of awkward spots in the contact's dialog here:

"Right now what we could [use] is some more funding."

Odd sentence:

"None of us are rich men and if we're going to be able to keep these guys from losing everything if it comes to a strike."

Apparently we are getting "donations" to help the scrapyarders in the event of a strike. I liked the Family boss's dialog. His pitiful cries about his numerous children were pretty funny. I am a bit confused though. I was under the impression that we were taking money from the mob, but it looks like we were actually forcing them to set up a press conference. I would add something about the press conference and framing the Scrapyarders in the clues, so it's not so out of the blue when the contact mentions it.

This line is pretty funny:

"I know I had my doubts at first, but I'm really glad you came here to help us out. I don't know how I could do this without you"

The goal "Find a way to 'assist' the protestors" is ambiguous but it's pretty easy to figure out. We just had to search the outdoor map for the protesters, which were not hard to find.

I like the fact that our contact is voluntarily headed to jail and that he's "Already used his one phone call"

The mission goal "Keep this from turning around" is again ambiguous, but it's not hard to figure out. We're off to take out our contact, who whines piteously about how he thought we wanted to help the common man.

One nitpick, this clue felt really odd:

"Yeah, I know there's some clever joke to make here but I haven't thought it up yet."

Overall, I really liked this and felt it was a unique story that flowed well. I felt like a real ******* which I know was intentional. One thing I would probably do is add more introspective text throughout--like you had in the accept text of the first mission--to really illustrate your dastardly intentions. Just color it differently than the other dialog. I think the "you're being a dick" angle is unusual enough that you might want to play it up more.

Rating: 5 Stars - Recommended for villains who want to feel villainous

Didn't finish the arc yet because it was later than I thought, but wanted to share this pic because I thought it was funny at least:

Just a little head's-up, my published arcs are subject to a bug that occasionally spawns WAY more mobs than intended. For example, I was testing Operation : Clean Streets this morning and got to the 4th mission... thankfully, the bosses have stopped spawning as Elite Bosses, but now there's 48 of them instead of the 10 or so I intended there to be.

Argh, I seem to have missed several arcs from the last page. Sorry about that. I think this is our updated queue, but feel free to correct me if I've missed anything else.

As noted before: I'm reserving the right to change up the order depending on our playtime or other factors (what I mean is that shorter arcs may get played earlier). Also if you play one of our arcs and give feedback you'll get bumped up to the top of the list.

• ZAGMUK Act One: The Herald, Arc ID 266123 - by Sumericon (may have to wait until we can duo)
• The Boneyard, Arc ID 253542 - by Captain_Zero
• Mercytown, Arc ID 6017 - by Tangler
• BE Prologue: Gangs United, Arc ID 250480 - by OzzieArcane (redoing this one)
• A Twist of Destiny, ARC ID: 300379 - by Garielle
• Tales of the PPD: One Hell of a Deal, Arc ID 55669 - by Xyzyx
• Grim and the Green, Arc ID 61156 - by Quinch_NA
• Why Can't We All Just Get Along?, Arc ID 299242 - by Psychoti *or* Operation: Clean Streets, Arc ID 301688 - by Psychoti (note we'll do both of these if you play ours)
• Trollbane, Arc ID 12669 - by TeChameleon
• Uninvited, Arc ID 307732 - by Lazarillo
• Matchstick Women, Arc ID 3369 - by Bubbawheat

So, checking out The Next War on Drugs... heh. Funny to see someone other than me using BABs as a contact, although to be fair, mine is more about the fallout from the last war on drugs... you'll be getting my usual stream-of-semiconsciousness review, where you get my thoughts pretty much as I do. Running as Flashpoint Zeo, my level 16 Fire/Fire Tank... that I created on October 31st, 2004 >.>

Anyways, moving right along-

MISSION ONE:
- Hmm... mission briefing is written well enough, but somehow BABs 'voice' seems a bit off. Not sure why (although the dialogue could stand another comma or two, it comes off as a bit breathless right now).

- Only got one of the optional sides- it was a nice touch, though (the 'Stolen SWAT van' one).

-... wait, rescuing one cop was enough to turn the tide when the PPD were being overwhelmed..? O.o Uh...

- Minor quibble- is 'intoxicated' the right word to be using for gangers on a drug high? I don't know for sure, but it doesn't sound quite right...

MISSION TWO:

- "'all hands on deck' response"? Seems an oddly... nautical... turn of phrase for the Brawler to pull out :/

- Nice buildup on the closeout of the briefing, though. More info on the bodyguard might be nice, but otherwise it's pretty cool (i.e. if the bodyguard was a super as well, knowing that he got taken out would be a useful warning)

- Hmm... okay, why is this timed? I understand that it's urgent, but BABs never said anything about a ransom to be paid before this time 'or else', or anything to that effect...

- ... okay, these clues are more confusing than enlightening. Hopefully the Brawler has more to say on this...

- And, uhm, not so much. Hmm.

MISSION THREE:

- Time for a little sanctioned B&E, I guess.

- Uhm... okay, really not sure what I'm supposed to be doing here; I can't click on any of the glowies I've found thus far, and Officer Martin doesn't seem especially interested in following me, despite having a little green arrow on the map :/

- Hrm, alrighty- found the missing glowie (that's a rather paranoid clerk, although the Swift reference was a nice touch). On to the next glowie in the chain. Honestly, this is a bit on the slow side thus far- nothing to do but run around (a LOT, if you missed the first glowie >.<) and occasionally click.

- Oooookay. The missing forensics kit is not only in the garbage, but under a bunch of junk? And we're calling what I'm doing with it 'borrowing' now? Er... why is it in the garbage?

- Wait, the cops didn't search the area with the next glowie, or one of them did, and they're just a bent cop? It's a bit unclear, and it's certainly more than a little odd, given that I've seen two or three cops wander through the area, and Officer Martin was standing... y'know, right there.

- Uhm... am I really supposed to believe that the PPD are going to be this sloppy, especially in a case as high-profile as the murder of an elected official? I mean, missing material evidence that's basically right out in the open? Mind you, the line about my huge, currently-on-fire Tanker dusting paper for prints amused me somewhat...

- It would read a lot cleaner if BABs had a comma in the 'that was solid investigative work $name' line- same problem has cropped up at least once before. There's "I'm saying this really really fast and not even stopping to breathe or pass out because I'm in a rush" lack-of-commas in other places as well. Maybe try reading the dialogue out loud, to see where it would pause naturally?

MISSION FOUR:

- Uh... Tsoo? Wait, fake Tsoo? The hell?

- Storm Dragon had some cute dialogue, but once again suffering from lack-of-comma breathlessness.

- Erm... these clues seem to be contradictory- Storm Dragon talked about the city using 'me' for eviction, but the second clue talks about him saying that the 'new owners' would be evicting them soon.

- Why is the Brawler suddenly talking like... well, the Brawler? It's like he abruptly changed voices for this one debriefing :s

MISSION FIVE:

- Hmm... interesting hook. Kinda like a reverse-Punisher, heh...

- First clue- 'there's something at the bottom of this box'- shouldn't that be 'these boxes', since there's a whole pile?

- ... if this 'mysterious green liquid' is actually 'dyne, I'm going to be a bit annoyed, given that that's the only green liquid I've been dealing with this entire time (really, 'mysterious'? Really?) >.<

- Hmm- didn't think to check eariler, but don't the Private Security Guards deserve a custom bio, given that they're not actually in the 'City of Villains'?

- "Something stinks in this fridge"? Gee, could it have something to do with the biohazard symbol on it? >.>

- Hmm... well, that explains a few things. Although the 'Middleman' trying to riot-baton my eight-foot flaming monstrosity of a Tanker into submission was rather amusing.

- "This may have serious ramifications"? Uhm... why is my character internally monologuing the blindingly obvious?

- Hmm... I like the debriefing- BABs finally 'sounds' right, and it gives a nice 'to be continued' without leaving things feeling incomplete.

OVERALL:

The writing was fairly tight and well done, with the exception of the strange reluctance to use commas, even when they're needed. The characterization, once it stabilized a bit, was good (although you may want to double-check the earlier missions for that- it was kind of a rocky start), and the missions, overall, were interesting, although not fascinating. In all honesty, I'm kind of torn about Mission Three; it really did feel like I was investigating something, as far (and maybe even a little farther) than the CoH would allow. On the flip side, it was... well, kind of boring, and led to a couple of odd moments that either didn't make sense at the time, or didn't make sense in hindsight.

Some of the plot holes are explained in hindsight, although it might make more sense to hear somebody else complain about the missing kit, since if I remember right, the one kvetching about it probably wouldn't want it found; and I'm a bit surprised at how apathetic he was towards my presence there, when he would have been perfectly within his authority to give me the boot right then and there without anyone batting an eye. Also, that "Ferrous Mantis" guy was a horribly jarring note, and made absolutely no sense within the lore as a member of the Tsoo- you might be able to get away with that kind of crap as a Hellion, but the Tsoo are a bit more pragmatic (and ruthless) than that. It was like a clown suddenly riding through the set of the O.C. for no discernable reason, screaming "LAUGH AT ME!" in the middle of a tense moment :/

I gave it a three and a half stars (rounded up); a little tightening (really really needs more commas), and a bit of polish (poke the more implausible bits a little), and I think you're good to go; final grade: Four Stars.

Thanks for the feedback. I know you're right about some unevenness. I'd debated myself whether or not to use any comic relief, and I'm still debating that. It's part of the reason this arc is still listed as "looking for feedback". It's a work in progress, and I'm expecting to do some adjusting.

Regarding mission three, sorry you found it boring. People tend to either love it or hate it (usually because "but my XPs!"). I know it's something unusual, but I think one of the strengths of the MA is that there's room for the unusual. Honestly I don't think it's too long for what it is. It only takes a couple minutes, which is *a lot* shorter than a glowie hunt on an outdoor map would take, and you still see tons of those in official content, as well as MA arcs.

On a couple of dialog choices: "intoxicated" applies to all types of chemical impairment, not just alcohol. Also, I've seen "all hands on deck" used in the context of police action lots of times. I'm sure I could change it, but I think it fits.

As for commas... well I have to admit this criticism throws me off. I went back and read my first mission intro dialog and found half a dozen of them, so I don't think this indicates a particular aversion. The only thing I can guess is that you don't like the style for BAB's "voice".

I have to say, and you've no doubt experienced this yourself, that using BABs as a contact is hard, because there aren't a lot of examples of dialog for him in the game. So I was left with as quandary. What kind of dialog do I use? Casual and friendly? Street slang? Hardass? Hmm... Well using any amount of slang kind of rubbed me the wrong way, plus I wasn't confident there was a way to do it without sounding racially insensitive. I decided to go with kind of a "down to business", serious style with a fair number of shorter sentences--which means there are more periods than I would probably use normally, but that should actually make for more full stops as opposed to breathlessness.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to checking out your Trollbane. It will be interesting to see someone else's interpretation of BABs, as again, the canon leaves a lot of room here. And hey, if the punctuation doesn't follow exactly what I would do myself, it doesn't matter... it's not something I base my ratings on.

Matchstick Women, Arc ID 3369 - by Bubbawheat

Bubbawheat was nice enough to play Londerwost's arc a couple days ago, so he's at the top of the list. We played this on my 21 Shield/Fire tank and his level pacted 21 BS/Fire scrapper. It seemed oddly fitting for two fire based characters. We were on the middle difficulty, which in retrospect was probably a mistake, but oh well.

Right off the bat, I like the contact. The idea of visions from a mysterious flame, without the contact having any overt personality, is pretty unusual.

I did think there was some redundancy in the description that stood out:

As you look closer to make out what is in the corner it begins to take shape, you feel as if you could reach out and touch it. Without realizing it, you see your hands in front of you, reaching into the flame. Suddenly you can clearly see what is now in your hands. It's a bomb! Startled, you drop the bomb but you don't hear it hit the ground. As you look to see what happened to it, you realize that what's in front of you is a different place. The scent of smoke fills your nose as you realize that in front of you is a burning base.

I'd suggest going through this and changing up your descriptions a bit.

The first mission has a nice progression with the objectives. One mainstay of the superhero genre, that is sadly minimal in this game, is the save people from the burning building scenario. I'm glad to see someone include this in the MA, and the water pipes were a good touch.

A Curious Woman - I get what you're trying to say here, but this could be mistaken as "inquisitive" woman, as opposed to "peculiar".

Ok, back to the mysterious flame. The dialog is pretty solid here. I should note that I like the colorized "look closer". I look closer and find there are women to save from a fire.

We found a boss "The Perfect Match" but alas it was not one of the 2 leaders. Then we found "Perfect Match Leader" after that. I have to wonder at the names. I like "The Perfect Match", but it sounds like a singular name for one boss. "The Perfect Match Leader" sounds, I don't know, sort of redundant. I'd suggest coming up with another witty fire-based name. Same for "Perfect Match Recruiter", it's just not a particularly interesting boss name.

One of the girls to rescue was surrounded by people holding torches. The animation was really helpful when scouting for the hostages. Alas the other hostages didn't have distinctive animations around them, so they took a while to find.

Also, I have to wonder how many of your custom mobs have blinding powers, it seemed like I was getting blinded a lot.

We got a clue called The Turncoat Matchstick, at first I was confused about who this was referring to, as I didn't recall an NPC by this name. Then I realized it's referring to "Perfect Match Leader" who gave me some information, but didn't really seem like a "turncoat".

This clue is a bit hard to follow. I think you've got some awkward sentences going on:

"The turncoat Matchstick told you about their leader. How Emily took in women who had power, who felt alone and scared. Emily promised a family of women just like her, where they would all live together in harmony. But it turned out to be more of a cult. Scarring the members so they wouldn't leave."

The Curious Woman seems to be an ex-Matchstick woman, someone who isn't bothered by the flames and was a potential Perfect Match. Ok, is there anything more to her than that? She's shown up in two missions so she has to be important.

Ok, back to the flame. Now it's showing me another burning building, but one that seems calm.

We enter this building and find a clue describing Emily's tragic childhood.

Then we find Emily herself, who is apparently itching to destroy her own cultists. Is this her master plan?

Through the course of beating her up, I guess we remind her of her horrible childhood experience with the flames closing in, and she decides she is actually happy to die and finally achieve some peace.

I know what you were trying to go for here, with making Emily a more sympathetic character, and then releasing her from her torment, but I think it could use some more development. First, Emily's dialog could be misconstrued as you tormenting her all over again. Second, the earlier clue in this mission isn't enough by itself to change gears into sympathizing with her. I think you need to introduce hints of this angle earlier.

Also, Emily was pretty tough. She spawned with two healers in her group and a lot of mobs that blind. I think Londer and I were on the verge of being chain blinded. We managed to get through it by killing healers first, popping yellows, and knocking her down a lot. I know some of this was probably due to our difficulty setting though, which might have been too high considering our level honestly.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame allusion seems uneccessary. Not sure where that came from. Also I was disappointed that the Curious Woman wasn't involved with the conclusion.

Really nice summary souvenir. Also, great idea to put the arc ID in the souvenir. Why didn't I think of that?

Overall, great premise! I think the fire angle is under utilized in the game, and it's a typical super hero plot device. Nice unique contact. It was great to see something non-traditional here. Some text is a tad awkward, but that's not a big deal.

Transition from bad guy to sympathetic character seems too abrupt for Emily. You just found out that Emily is the ringleader and she's done these horrible things, but now you're supposed to identify with her after reading one clue about how she had a tragic childhood. I'd develop this angle earlier by making her seem like a more complex character through clues in mission two. I'd also give some of the bosses in mission two more creative names, and give more distinctive animations.

Rating: 4 Stars

Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm really glad you found the feedback helpful. It's really great to see all the creative stories people come up with, and it's gratifying if the thoughts and opinions we offer actually help people when crafting their stories.

I had a thought on this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bubbawheat Heaven's Gate type cult, yes.

I think one of the major factors with any cult is the charismatic presence of the cult leader, and the influence that has on the cult members. You often see kind of a Stockholm Syndrome with the cult members, even the ones who have left the cult. They tend to have really mixed feelings about the cult, still idealizing it, and believing in its social structure.

Don't know how you'd incorporate any of that, but I had occurred to me that some of the hostages and even the Curious Woman might have rather strong mixed feelings, which could add to the complexity around Emily.

Now I've probably gone and made everything too complicated...

Just a little update, based on some feedback I've remade my "Why Can't We All Just Get Along?" arc into a new "Gang War" arc. I did this because the first was literally my first and I didn't get the flow anywhere near what I wanted, this caused the story progression to feel forced and disjointed. I also eliminated the 'surprise' Elite Boss that caused people many headaches & respawns.

So, if you would rather play through 'Gang War' that's fine, you might enjoy it more and it is definitely more friendly to lowbie players.

I didn't play your arcs to get bumped up the list, but thanks!

I've never edited Strike! once, so I really wanted some thoughts on it so I'd know where to start. I knew I could count on you two for some quality feedback and I'll get to it as soon as I can.

Hi there! I have an identical play-style with my significant other ... and I really like the idea of your thread. Could you please try playing my MA creation?

#1626 The Golden Roller Gets His Groove Back

It's a single mission designed for lowbies to solo or play with small teams. The intent was to make something like the paper/radio missions, but with a slightly more engaging story and play-through. Let me know what you think and have fun!

I've already done a revamp on Strike! by the way. Added a subplot, cleaned up the script a bit, that sort of thing.

If I get time I'll look at it again in a few days to tweak it some more, but I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate the input and have already started working on it.

Just wanted to say, sorry we've been really busy. We should be able to play a couple arcs this weekend, but then PAX is next week so there might be a bit of a delay before we get to the rest of the queue.

We're really looking forward to making some new alts when I16 launches though.