I'll try yours if you'll try mine

The Long Road Back review
Arc ID: 340454
Keywords: Custom Characters, Canon Related, Drama
Morality: Villainous
Level range: 10-20
Warnings: EBs, custom powers

The premise seems to be a government agency offering a way for villains to redeem themselves. I played a 14 mace/shield brute on +0 x0 difficulty, no bosses, no AVs. The contact is a custom character, a rather 70s-looking fellow in a sports jacket.

Mission 1
Briefing: the caption to the briefing should probably be bold or larger font to stand out from the rest of the briefing.

The contact introduces himself as working for OSI, which immediately makes me think of the agency that funded the Six Million Dollar Man, but he clarifies that he really means the CIA. There's an extra period after "in other words", and an extra ">" after "Vahzilok". Need a period after "go in and take them". It strikes me as a bit odd to go after this "Louise Symons in Mercy Island" when, in fact, Facemaker and her cronies in Cap au Diable are also known to work for Dr. Vahzilok.

The contact starts off being pretty antagonistic, making me wonder if I should really work for him, but it's part of the premise, I guess, that he has something that I (presumably) want. It looks like you assume the player wants what OSI has to offer; maybe this is OK based on the premise, but if a player isn't interested, they don't have a hook that gets them into this arc. (Maybe this is ok, but it limits your audience some.)

The default mission accept message of just "Accept" is a little dull, consider making it a line of dialog that the player would speak.

Send-off message: the contact elaborates that Symons is some kind of smart zombie. Needs a period after "unsuspecting world". Seems a little weird for the contact (who has been fairly quid pro quo up to this point) to say "Have some fun while you're at it".

Mission objectives: defeating Symons and finding the research were both mentioned in the briefing, but "Find the promising strain" is not, so I'm not quite sure why I have that as an objective.

Inside the mission: Good map choice for this mission. I quickly run into Dr Symons, a custom character who spawned as a lieutenant for me. She does mention something about a promising strain (perhaps that objective should be triggered from defeating her, though in that case her clue should mention it). In her dialog:

[NPC] Dr. Symons: Well, that answers that. Is there a reason for this are are you just passing through?

"this are are" should be "this, or are"

[NPC] Dr. Symons: Defintely HEALTHIER than most who dwell on this island...

"Defintely" should be "Definitely".


First meeting with Symons

[NPC] Dr. Symons: I think you'll find I'm impossible to kill. Not something I care to test out of the lab though.

Ironically she said the above line just as I KO'd her with a Clobber? Seemed weird. She gave me the "M1.2 Symons Eliminated" clue, which is just a fragment of a sentence. In both this clue and all of Symons' dialog, there is an unusually large number of ellipses - not sure if this is intentional. If not intentional, you may want to use them a little less.

Soon after I found a "Promising Strain" glowy, which gave me the "M1.5 Promising Strain" clue. Possibly this glowy should be named after the container ("Cannisters" or similar), and then you find out that it's the Promising Strain only after collecting it.

I found a file cabinet labeled "Vahzilok's Research" that gave me the "M1.3 Vahzilok's Research" clue. Possibly the glowy should be named after the container ("File Cabinet") and you find out it's Vahzilok's Research only after collecting it. In the text of the clue, "Symons personal research" should be "Symons' personal research" (note punctuation). This glowy triggered the "Find Dr. Symons' computer" objective; maybe there was a small ambush, too.

Fortunately this map is not very large so it's easy to find. The computer gave me the "M1.4 Dr. Symons' Computer" clue; this clue mentions the "promising strain" directly. Possibly the "promising strain" objective should be triggered from THIS clue? I notice now that "M1.5" references Symons' notes, which I didn't have at the time I got that clue. So I think maybe this was intended to be triggered from the computer, but got broken somehow. In my run, the computer glowy completed the mission, giving me "M1.6 Turning this stuff in to OSI".

I like that the mission exit popup message reinforces the things you "decided" in "M1.6".

Debriefing: seems OK, if a little generic; the contact doesn't mention anything specific about the research notes or the promising strain. Maybe he should.

Mission 2
Briefing caption: "The Long Road Back , Chapter II" has an extra space after "Back"

Briefing: "cataloged.," should be "catalogued," (spelling and punctuation). "get ahead of it if they get out of hand" sounds awkward; consider rephrasing. Maybe "be ahead of the game if they get unruly"?

The briefing is written like dialog, but the contact tends to ramble, so it's a little long; consider editing the text to be a little more compact. The contact wants me to extract some Outcast who "wants out", against the wishes of Frostfire, under a short time limit. This seems like a weird thing for the CIA to be interested in, or to use a Rogue Isles operative for; the contact does try to justify it, but it still seems weird to me.

Send-off message: I have a hard time believing a random Outcast kid could have "nice intel" for the CIA.

Mission begin clue: Considering there is only a 15 minute time limit, good luck getting anyone to read this lengthy clue during the actual mission. I did, though. "Mcanus" should be "McManus". The clue does recognize how weird it is for the CIA to care about a random Outcast kid, so it wasn't just me. So it's actually some sort of foreshadowing. We'll see where this leads.

Inside the mission I clear my way through some Outcasts and free Patrick McManus from his captors, changing my objectives to "Get Patrick out of there., Defeat Heatwave"; should remove the period after "there".

On my way out of the mission I run into Heatwave, who is in his own "Heatwave" faction instead of the Outcasts (maybe he should be in a "Mercenary" faction or something similar); his background suggests he's a hitman, albeit a not very good one. How does Frostfire, a minor gang leader, hire hitmen?

On the other hand, the way Heatwave talks, it's clear he's not a very professional assassin. In fact he's almost embarrassingly wimpy. His dialog also has a crazy number of ellipses ("..."), I'd suggest trimming those down some. I beat up Heatwave and lead Patrick to the door, completing the mission.

Debriefing: some interesting chatter from the contact here, but nothing whatsoever about the mission I just completed. Shouldn't he say something about what becomes of McManus, maybe something about Heatwave showing up?

(Quite a bit later I notice the "M2.3 McManus Out" clue which explains what happened to him.)

Mission 3
Briefing: the contact kinda rambles at length about Brazil and oil and geopolitics, then finally gets to the point--the Rogue Isles is bidding against "us" (the CIA? the State Department? the United States?) and the contact wants me to do something about it. This doesn't obviously have anything to do with the previous missions, but it does make more sense as something the CIA would be involved in. Only--it seems risky for them to send an operative from the Rogue Isles to act against the interests of the Rogue Isles?

Send-off message: So I'm to assassinate the Brazilian ambassador to the Rogue Isles and "leave no survivors". "Much to dangerous" should be "Much too dangerous". "down here all the time. from what I understand.." should be "down there all the time, from what I understand."

The mission is "Terminate Sandoval" but Sandoval wasn't mentioned in the briefing; probably the briefing should mention this name, or else the mission should be "Terminate Brazilian Ambassador".

Mission objectives: Aren't the objectives to find/defeat the Ambassador, Arroyo, and Heatwave all redundant with "Eliminate everyone in the building"? Also, Arroyo hasn't been mentioned before, so not sure why I have him as a specific objective. Is there a point in "Erase the records"? Oh, ok, the records are mentioned in the "begin mission" clue, which seems to have more briefing-type info in it. Perhaps "Erase security records" would be clearer.

Also, is it really necessary to Defeat All the Arachnos here to achieve the stated objectives of the mission (namely, persuade Brazil that it isn't safe to deal with Arachnos)?

Early on I overhear the dialog:

[NPC] Huntsman Arroyo: Word from the top. boys.. we have to make this look good.

This is punctuated oddly. Should be something like "Word from the top, boys. We have to make this look good."

I found a glowy named "Erase the records"; it probably should be named something like "Security Computer". This glowy gives me the "M3.2 Threats in the Isles" clue, which mentions that I'm copying some files on OSI. Perhaps this clue should be named "M3.2 Dossier on OSI" to be more specific.

Found and fought Huntsman Arroyo. His info says he's in charge of Ambassador Sandoval's "work detail", but I think he should perhaps be in charge of the "security detail". While fighting him, he says:

[NPC] Huntsman Arroyo: Crap. Okay, men, get over here. Don't worry about the ambassador.

but I never saw an ambush. I think this line should either trigger an ambush, or be reworded so as not to imply an ambush is coming.

I run into Heatwave; what IS he doing here, anyway? His description this time suggests he is bodyguarding the ambassador; so, just a coincidence. I beat him up pretty easily. I think he's intended to be comic relief; if so, IMHO, his lines need to be more funny. Right now he's presented as being pretty pathetic.

A little past Heatwave I find Ambassador Luisa Sandoval, who isn't killable because she's a hostage. She's in a faction called "Ambassador Luisa Sandoval" (i.e., named after herself); I'd suggest putting her in a faction called "Brazil" or maybe "Brazillian Foreign Ministry". Since Sandoval is a female character, "kill him" should be "kill her" in clue "M3.1 Ambassador Sandoval's assassination".


Hi there! I'm here to assassinate you.

When I "rescue" Sandoval, she has some dialog saying:

[NPC] Ambassador Luisa Sandoval: You've obviously been sent to kill me. Perhaps I can offer an incentive for you to fail to do so.

It looks like I'm scripted to accept this bribe, because my objectives are now "Find what she is talking about" and "Take Sandoval to the door". I think that Sandoval should definitely also give a clue upon rescuing her, further explaining this deal (and providing motivation for these new objectives).

I look around a bit and clear some more Arachnos but it isn't clear what Sandoval was trying to bribe me with, so I decide to lead her back to the door and hope I see it on the way back.

I don't see it on my way back, but once I get Sandoval to the door she gives me the clue "M3.5 Sandoval's Fate" where she says "I have demonstrated my potential utility to you" (but she really hasn't...maybe she would've if I had found the other clue first). Also in this clue, "dissapear" should be "disappear".

Backtracking, I find a glowy I had missed before, some kind of Arachnos device with turbines labeled "The Dirt". Clicking on this tells me I'm cracking a safe; maybe the glowy should be called "Safe" or "Vault". From this I get clue "M3.4 Rogue Islands Operatives Dossiers" (should be "Rogue Isles") which implicates the contact in some sort of dirty work, but it's not clear exactly what (is he a double agent? It's a bit vague).

This glowy also completed the mission and awarded the "M3.6 The Arachnos Files" clue, which explains that I have a lot more info on the contact now; it does give more detail on what Richard Savage has been up to. Typical CIA stuff it seems. The last line seems wrong; "Maybe Sandoval WOULD be more useful to you dead than alive." Don't you mean "more useful to you alive than dead"??

Also worth noting that the clues in this mission appear in my journal in the order: M3.1, M3.2, M3.5, M3.4, M3.6. Coincidentally this is the order I did them in, but I think the clues are normally arranged in the order they appear in the Mission Architect UI. You may want to sort them to be in order. Also, there was no M3.3 clue (at least not one that I found).

Debriefing: the contact doesn't say much about the actual mission except "Ugly job, I know, but it was necessary". So what really happened to Sandoval? Did I kill her or let her go? (If it's meant to be up to my imagination, maybe you need to say that somewhere.)

Mission 4
Briefing: We return to the plot thread from mission 1 with Symons hijacking the shipment of her "promising strain" and the contact wanting me to do something about it. I hope all these different threads get tied together at some point.

Why does he want me the "cannister retrieved" when he's already said that "the cannister sprang a leak"? An empty cannister doesn't seem much use.

I like that I'm portrayed as being worried about getting sick from the weird chemicals. The contact pays some lip service to that and gets me some sort of antidote that is probably just sugar water. (Probably wouldn't work as well for a character who is a robot or something, but oh well.)

Inside the mission I find a lot of "Dying" mobs who are normal people affected by the Promising Strain and turned evil. I believe they're recolors of existing mobs, and they actually look pretty good. They seem to be worth a lot less exp than normal though (I was getting 16 exp for Dying minions in this mission, but 51 for Arachnos minions in the previous mission; though Arachnos have a slight exp bonus). Is it possible this custom group is missing the lieutenant and/or boss tier mobs?

I find Dr. Symons; this time she's a hostage and she runs off right after I defeat her guards. This felt a little wrong; aren't I supposed to be arresting her for creating this mess? She did give me the "M4.1 Symons found" clue, which basically said to go look for more clues.


You again? And again.... and again...

I now have a triggered objective of "Find the 'Promising Strain'"; I'm not sure why this needs to be a triggered objective, since the contact already told me to do this during the briefing. Fortunately it's relatively nearby; clicking it gives me "M4.2 Strain Found?" which suggests I should take them to Symons. Since I'm depicted as taking the cannisters, I think the glowy should be removed after being collected (currently the cannisters graphic stays after clicking).

I have trouble finding Symons (she spawned under a catwalk in a place I thought I had previously checked) and ended up clearing the rest of the map before backtracking and searching the earlier parts of the mission again. When I find her, she says:

[NPC] Dr. Symons again: Hm. Defintely a variant of the original strai.n.

"strai.n" should be "strain". Rescuing Dr. Symons again gives me "M4.3 What is this?" as a clue, which suggests that she's being framed. She wants me to find out what "her plan" is supposed to be. I now have an objective of "Find the 'delievery system'". "delievery" should be "delivery".

I pretty quickly find "The 'Delivery System'" which is a pile of dynamite. It seems kind of unwise to hit a barrel of dynamite with a big hammer.


This doesn't seem like a good idea.

But no other action presents itself, so I go ahead and try it. Destroying it gives me the "M4.4 Explosives?" clue. In this clue "crack open open those" should be "crack open those". More overuse of ellipses (...) in this clue.

I have to search for Symons and free her again, giving me the "M4.5 The victim" clue and yet another triggered objective, to "Find a body". "spinal chord" should be "spinal cord" in the clue. I don't understand the significance of "people who have been psychically assaulted for prolonged periods"; this chemical doesn't do that, as far as I know? Why do I have to find this particular victim? All of the "Dying" mobs are victims of this chemical, aren't they?

I search the whole mission again (frustrating!) before I find "The Victim", a glowy body bag. This gives me "M4.6 The dead man's symptoms" as a clue, which basically repeats what Symons said in "M4.5" about symptoms and psychic attack, though I still don't understand why we suspect psychic attack at this point.

Yet again I have to "Find Symons". Yet again I have to search the whole mission (still frustrating!) before finding her again. She tells me:

[NPC] Dr. Louise Symons: Did you seriously think I it was me? Do I seem irrational enough to slaughter indiscriminately?

"think I it was me" should probably be "think it was me". Considering the usual behavior of Vahzilok, yes, I do think she would slaughter people. Though oddly this time "Dr. Louise Symons" has become a boss ally and she's in a villain group called "Dr. Symons" instead of "Vahzilok". Shouldn't she still be Vahzilok? She gives me the "M4.7 The Carrier" clue, explaining she needs to show me something.

I now have an objective to "Find the transport coffin"? But a coffin was never mentioned in the M4.7 clue, so not sure why this is now my objective. Either M4.7 should mention it, or this objective should be something like "Find what Symons is talking about" or maybe "Learn the Truth".

Another search of the whole mission. Finally I backtrack to the very first room and find the coffin there. Clicking the coffin, the progress bar is completely blank (should have some text there like "Opening coffin"). This gives me the "M4.8 Who else is here?" clue; this is actually a pretty neat clue. Though I have to question Symons saying "the one thing I cannot abide is my work being used to kill." But she says she's collaborating with Dr. Vahzilok, who butchers people wholesale! Seems inconsistent. Clicking the coffin also triggers yet another objective, "Find and stop the Carrier".

Yet another search of the mission map has me finally finding "Carrier", an elite boss in a faction called "Carrier". I kinda think he should be named "The Carrier" (or perhaps "Cortex" considering his background info) and belong to either "Dying" or "Vahzilok". Carrier's dialog also overuses ellipses, but it sorta makes sense for his speech pattern. I'm a little surprised at the reveal of who the Carrier is; I thought it would be someone from earlier in the arc (McManus, maybe, or an improved Heatwave).

Defeating him finishes the mission, and I get both "M4.9 The Carrier Defeated" (too many ellipses) and "M4.10 Greasing the Wheels" at the same time. I was thinking maybe these clues should be merged together (since the way it's set up, I think you'll always get them at the same time), but they're about different things, so maybe that isn't necessary. M4.10 seems to suggest this is all a publicity stunt in order to make me look good for taking down this threat.

While the sequenced objectives in this mission were interesting for the first few links, I felt like 9 objectives daisy-chained together was way too many; although it was thankfully a small map and sometimes I'd get lucky on having the next objective spawn nearby, even so I had to search the entire map over and over again; I didn't time it, but it felt like the mission took an hour, mostly hunting glowies. This got pretty frustrating near the end of the sequence. I'd really recommend cutting a couple of the less essential links to make the whole sequence a little shorter, and trying to place the objectives so that the player is more likely to encounter them in order and less likely to have to backtrack a lot.

Debriefing: seems decent. The contact notes that Symons escaped, but doesn't seem too concerned. He has a line reinforcing the idea that this is all a publicity stunt.

Mission 5
Briefing: Somewhat longwinded, but ultimately the contact wants me to blindly agree to doing something evil "for the good of the country", without actually telling me what it is he wants me to do. I don't think there's enough reason to actually agree to do whatever he's telling me to do, though; he's already strongly established as someone who can't be trusted. He suggests I could back out at this point, and it is tempting, but it would require quitting the story arc. So I agree just to see what will happen.

The mission accept message of "Accept" is a little plain, I suggest you reword it to be more like dialog, something like "Count me in."

Send-off message: the contact explains what he wants done; the "sanitization" of someplace called Heatherford Home.

Inside the mission: defeat all in an orphanage? Hmm, OK. I was warned it wouldn't be nice.

Mission objectives: I understand "3 Bombs to set" and "No survivors" but what's "Assist McClain"? No one named McClain was mentioned in the contact's briefing.

In Staff Member's bio, it says "Staff members at the Heatherford Home Orphanage have been trained to combat military and metahuman opposition." What kind of orphanage gives its staff combat training? "they appear to be expecting and were preparing for this attack" is awkwardly phrased.

I pretty quickly find Beth McClain, who is in a group called "Beth McClain"; should be in something like "CIA" or "OSI" or even "Sanitation Team". For some reason the HH Staff members are cheering her; that doesn't make sense, she's there to kill them. McClain takes off after I rescue her from the orphanage staff.

I found and fought some "Orphan" custom characters. They were in a "Heatherford Home" faction (but the staff was in "HH Staff"; is there a reason they're in different groups?) and had the default Minion description. They were also not worth any exp, but this may be deliberate. The Orphans usually tried to run away, which was a nice touch. I ruthlessly smashed them.


How can you kill women and children? You just lead them a little less.

Found the various bombs, which were glowies labeled "Bombs to set"; each one is just one bomb, though, so they should probably be labeled just "Bomb". I have some trouble finding the last bomb but eventually arm it, which completes the mission.

Debriefing: the contact congratulates me and welcomes me to the Agency, promising to "expunge" my past from my official records. This seemed a little anticlimactic?

Souvenir: a nice summary of the arc. "legitmacy" should be "legitimacy".

Overall
It's an interesting story of a villain attempting to become rehabilitated into being a "good guy", and taking an unusual path. Perhaps inspired in part by "Going Rogue". I like how "the long road back" was not as easy as one might expect. I liked how the earlier missions seemed fairly heroic, but then the agency gradually gets you involved in some fairly shady things, until the final kick-the-dog mission at the end. I liked that a lot of minor characters were introduced and used briefly, that added some nice color. Also, a good job on using a lot of clues to try to explain the action.

Things I had problems with: the gameplay was quite frustrating, with two Defeat All missions and one mission with a sequence of 9 triggered objectives that ended up effectively requiring me to defeat all the mobs anyway, plus making me search the mission map over and over again. The fact that many mobs were low or zero exp/infl was rather unhappy; this wouldn't normally be a big deal for me, but with (effectively) 3 Defeat Alls and an arc geared for level 10-20 (when people will want to be gaining exp), having so many mobs be low/zero exp seems like more of a drag.

The missions did not seem very strongly connected with each other; there wasn't really a plotline linking them together (except perhaps "do errands to prove yourself to the CIA") and I didn't get a sense of cause-and-effect from doing each one. This was somewhat mitigated by the recurring appearances of Dr. Symons and Heatwave, though I still think it is very odd that Symons would be against killing people when she's happy to work with Dr. Vahzilok and to make various zombies. I would've liked more connections between the various missions; I kept thinking McManus would make another appearance (as the big bad guy in mission 4, or maybe his origin was being erased in mission 5) or that the info about OSI (that I got from Sandoval in mission 3) would become important somehow, but these things never happened. As a result, it felt like there were a lot of dangling plot threads that were never resolved.

I'm really rather puzzled at some of the missions OSI sent me on; what interest could the CIA possibly have in the low level Outcasts gang? Why destroy a random orphanage in Nebraska? I understand that the arc is deliberately leaving the CIA's motivation somewhat obscured here, but some hints as to why they are doing these actions would help make them seem less random. The mission to break up the Brazil/Rogue Isles treaty seemed the mission that was most like a CIA op. Possibly the others could be reasonable CIA ops if there were some motivation. As currently presented, some missions felt like I'm just doing them because the contact told me to, and there's no feeling that my actions are actually contributing to some goal (whether national security or the contact's personal agenda).

The things I would most suggest addressing are: improving gameplay (try to change Defeat Alls into a quicker objective if reasonably feasible; shorten the sequence of triggered objectives; improve exp of custom groups) and adding some hints as to why the CIA is sending you to do some of these things and/or changing missions to be more thematic for the CIA (e.g., more operations in exotic foreign locations).

Anyway, with all that in mind, I felt I could only give this 2 stars. Sorry about that!

--

My queue is currently:

StratoNexus - The Better Part of Valor #349298
TigerKnight - Real Afterlife #354483
FredrikSvanberg - The Tangled Weave #338575
Venture - The Christmas We Get #356477
Tenzen - The Hidden Agenda #356334
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 02 #11728

As always, a very helpful proofreading session. I constantly had problems with Westin's name and would alternately think the correct spelling was the incorrect one (and obviously vice versa). Thanks for the tip on ordnance, I never realized the two words were in fact very different (I always assumed the verbal "ordnance" was a mispronunciation of "ordinance" and carried that fallacy into my text).

Just finished another review of one of your arcs in my thread, PoliceWoman Feel free to check it out if you're interested.

I'm experimenting with a new review format.

Motivation:
- I am really saddened that a review from me appears to have driven an author and contributor to these forums to quit using Mission Architect. This is not what I want to be about at all.
- I would really prefer my reviews to be used as constructive criticism to try and improve people's story arcs.
- I'm getting more and more requests to "re-review" story arcs, with the author hoping for a better rating. I don't want to discourage this; I believe story arcs have the capacity to improve over time, as a result of player feedback and author edits.
- Of the last 3 "re-reviews" though, I gave two story arcs exactly the same rating and one story arc a lower rating. This makes me think that my reviews are not clear enough at communicating what I think needs to be changed.
- Also, as I get drawn more into the "MA Arc" community, I find I am more and more often reviewing story arcs of people I've actually encountered in-game and interacted with. Seeing a player's disappointment at getting a low rating is painful to me. However, I cannot justify giving every story arc 5 stars. But perhaps I can re-shape my reviews to explain how people can get a 5 star rating from me.


Therefore, I'm changing review format as follows:
- At the start of each review, every arc will start with a score of "5.0" in my mind.
- I will deduct varying amounts of points for various infractions; generally "-0.5" or "-1.0" for something I view as a serious problem, "-0.1" for a minor problem, and "-0.01" for typos and nitpicks.
- I will award bonus points for anything I see that I think is especially cool; generally "+0.1" for each "cool" item.
- "Sense of immersion" is especially important to me; this is not easy to do, but if your story arc can achieve this, I will give it "+1.0" bonus points.
- At the end of my review, I will total up all the points and round nearest to calculate my star rating, with a maximum rating of 5 stars and minimum rating of 2 stars. I reserve 1 star ratings for arcs that are actually farms or include an obvious farm or non-story-related mission.

Under this system, you can totally get a 5 star rating from me without doing anything that I award "bonus points" for, so they should truly be "bonus points" -- basically, countering bad stuff.

On all future re-reviews, I will limit myself to only looking at problems I previously identified (unless the fix to one of the problems I identified actually generates a new problem). With each problem clearly identified with a point value associated with it, I hope it will be much clearer what you need to do in order to get a better rating from me. With that in mind, please ask for a re-review only if you believe you've addressed enough problems to make me increase the rating by at least 1 star.

My hope is that this more transparent system will let everyone have the potential of getting a 5 star rating from me on re-review.


I know some reviewers already use a point system something like this (only the details of the calculation are not public). I've previously resisted doing this because I tend to calculate the final star rating more by "gut feeling" and didn't want people to challenge each and every calculation and/or try to "game" the system. But the things I listed above under "motivations" now outweigh those considerations in my mind. So, feel free to try and "game" this system.

I'm not quite sure whether this new system will result in my average arc rating going up or down, but going to try it for a bit.

The Better Part of Valor review
Arc ID: 349298
Keywords: Complex Mechanics, Canon Related, Sci-Fi
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 30-54
Warnings: AVs, EBs, extreme lieutenants, custom power selections.

[5.0] Starting value

The arc description mentions something about inspiring ordinary people with excellence, but seems very vague on particulars. Consider adding some detail to the arc description to give some info about the arc and possibly make it catch the attention of players who might be browsing the AE search tool.

[-0.1] Arc description needs to be more interesting

I played a 29 fire/regen scrapper (at the low end of the stated level range) on +0 x0 difficulty, no AVs. The contact is Lt. Suzanne Bernhard, a standard Skyway police contact.

Mission 1
Briefing: good use of color to highlight key phrases and a nicely written briefing. The contact is investigating a series of robberies and thinks Arachnos has been trying to block her investigation, though she doesn't know why (she thinks these robberies are beneath Arachnos). She wants me to check out a place where Arachnos may be operating out of. In the briefing text, "operatives have been attempting to cover the trail of this investigation" sounds a little awkward to me; perhaps rephrase to something like "operatives have been obstructing my investigation"?

Mission objectives: my first objective is "Break through the ambush", which is a little puzzling; it wasn't mentioned in the briefing, so how do I know there's an ambush and that I should break through it? With the mission being called "Investigate the Warehouse" I think I'd expect the objectives to be something like "Find clues" or "Question Arachnos operatives".

[-0.1] Objective needs more motivation

I quickly find Fortunata Mistress Ambusher, though, who has some dialog about threatening Sgt Bernhard. She calls an ambush while I'm fighting her, then mentions something about a foreign cop. This triggers a new objective to "Capture the Dirty Cop". Since Fortunata Mistress Ambusher's dialog is significant, you might also consider adding a clue to that effect that she drops on defeat.

There's a good amount of useful dialog in this mission, from patrols and other objectives, dropping hints about the plot, which seemed like a nice touch.

[+0.1] Good dialog

I find and fight Lt. Travis Cantor, who proves to be the "Dirty Cop".



He looks a lot more like a Vanguard operative than a PPD officer, though. He gives me the "Regrets" clue and triggers the "Get research facility location from computer." For some reason this objective is in a gigantic font, not sure why. The computer spawned near me though, and clicking it gave me the "Research Facility Location" clue and completed the mission. It sounds like the crime spree Sgt Bernhard is investigating is being committed by some sort of escaped Arachnos experimental subjects?

Debriefing: a nice debriefing with some good info. Some of the text (for Sgt Bernhard's briefings and debriefings) sounds a little formal or stilted; if this isn't intentional, I might suggest doing little things like changing "I have worked with Travis" to "I've worked with Travis" to sound more natural.

[-0.01] Awkward phrasing

Mission 2
Briefing: so Crey owns the research facility and supposedly promises full cooperation. We'll see about that. "but its always possible" should be "but it's always possible".

[-0.01] Typo: its -> it's

Mission accept message: "Accept" is a little dull, consider changing this to something the player might say, like "I'm on my way" or "I'll check it out".

[-0.01] Default accept message is dull

Many lines of dialog appear as soon as I enter the mission, from various Arachnos, Crey and Devouring Earth, even though I haven't seen any of them yet. (This might be an AE bug, I've seen dialog oddities in MA missions lately, so not marking off any points.)

[NPC] Arachnoid: Click. Click. Ssssss.
[NPC] Tarantula: You disloyal freaks. You could have had it good had you obeyed.
[NPC] Riot Guard: Oh my, Devouring Earth specimens, try to collect what you can.
[NPC] Bedrock: Free. We are free from the demon spiders.
[NPC] Bedrock: For the Hamidon.
[NPC] Blood Widow: Look, we are here trying to help get rid of these things.
[NPC] Riot Guard: So you are responsible for this break-in.
[NPC] Blood Widow: Where the hell is that rapid response team, we sent the intel back to base hours ago.
[NPC] Riot Guard: Lay down your arms and surrender, Kyrie Eleison is here to aid us.

Some of these should probably have exclamation points instead of periods (e.g. "For the Hamidon!" and "Where the hell is that rapid response team!")

[-0.01] Punctuation problems

Found a body bag glowy labeled "Ewww" that gave me the "Disturbing Corpse" clue. I rescue some (friendly) Crey from various DE and Arachnoid mobs; they seem pretty grateful.

Found a portable lab glowy labeled "Research Notes" (seems like this should be a desk or a computer instead of lab equipment? nitpicky) which gave me the "Venom II" clue which refers to people at "Arachnos headquarters" meddling with the research.

Found a refrigerator glowy labeled "Chemicals and Fluids" which gives me the "Fluids" clue, which includes a test tube with Venom II (along with other interesting sounding compounds). This completed the mission, which additionally awarded the "Serums" clue. I think this clue needs to be a little clearer as to where you're getting the information from (the research notes, I assume?). In this clue:

[+0.1] Nice references to in-game continuity

[-0.01] Typo: reasearch -> research

Debriefing: the contact mentions an Arachnos scout group, but I never saw them (I did see dialog from them, but they may have been annihilated by battles or hostile patrols). She mentions something she found out about Karansky; are the notes I found supposed to be his? I suspect so, but you may want to make that more clear, in either the clues or the debriefing.

Mission 3
Briefing: a pretty good info dump on Karansky's back story, but the contact never actually asks me to do anything before the mission accept mission.

[-0.1] Briefing doesn't explain mission well enough

Send-off message: Kind of an interesting structure to this briefing; she never really asks you to do anything, then there's a "3 Weeks Later" in the send-off message and you get a call from her, and then you have a mission to rescue her. Although I see how this works, I'm not quite sure this structure works for me.

[-0.01] Typo: its the Lt. -> it's the Lt.

I get the "Perfectly Plastic" clue as the mission starts. I was momentarily confused at the dialog presented here, thinking it was happening right now (which wouldn't make sense), though on closer examination the clue refers to "an earlier conversation". Maybe make that clearer. Also, companies generally won't have a "President of Marketing"; should perhaps be "Vice President of Marketing".

[-0.01] Rephrase slightly

Mission entry popup: she sends me "left hall, east" for directions. I try following these directions and they actually work for finding Lt. Bernhard.

[+0.1] Neat game mechanics

Lt. Bernhard joins me as an ally and asks me to find her sister, who works here.

Going upstairs I find "Webmaster Hamon", a Crab spider, who I rescue from Arachnoids and "Rolling Rats" (custom rat-people). Webmaster Hamon says:

[NPC] Webmaster Hamon: Why come back to Paragon and why kidnap that woman? I will stop you monsters!

....which struck me as a strange thing for an Arachnos agent to say. I considered marking off points for this, but after seeing him in action for a bit, he does seem to be characterized as trying to help. Perhaps Hamon needs a special description rather than the default Crab spider description. Rescuing Hamon seems to satisfy finding Bernhard's sister (since Hamon claims to have some info on this). I now have an objective called "Access Computer on this Floor" in gigantic lime green type (why is it written so large?) and "Choose to Help Hamon or turn him over to the Longbow?" I have an orange circle for a nav point objective on my nav tool now, which I imagine is "lead Hamon to the door" (and turn him in).

Found a computer labeled "Hamon's Intelligence" (perhaps should be labeled just "Computer") which gives me the clue "Coppers are coppers". But the contents of this clue seem to be all things Hamon could've just told me.

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: why does a computer in a civilian plastics manufacturer have Arachnos intel on it?

A Longbow patrol swings by and attacks Hamon; I let him fight Hamon for a bit without intervening. This gets him down to 50% life before he kills them. I like that Hamon protests that he is "cooperating" as the Longbow fight him.

Walking out of the mission, another Longbow patrol shows up and starts attacking me. This would make sense if I'm helping Hamon escape the Longbow, but I actually want to turn Hamon over to Longbow; should the Longbow really attack me in this case?

Anyway, I manage to get Hamon killed by Longbow, then the mission fails.

"Fail" Debriefing: actually helps explain why Longbow attacked us; the contact "smooths things over". Thinking about it, they did say

[NPC] Longbow Eagle: Don't let anyone out of the building!

...which also supports the idea that they might attack me. So, I'll drop my earlier concern that they were attacking me.

Mission 4
Briefing: Maybe I missed something, but why am I going to Mercy Island? I think I should be either targeting Dr. Karansky or trying to rescue Connie Bernhard, or maybe both. Reviewing my clue journal, none of the clues I've received so far suggests that either one is in Mercy Island; in fact, the info in "Coppers are coppers" says "Karansky made a move back to Paragon".

[-0.1] Don't understand why I'm doing this: make it clearer why the trail leads to the Rogue Isles

[-0.01] Typo: setup -> set up

[-0.01] Typo: stirke -> strike

I like the bit of background the contact mentions in the last paragraph, about her and Connie.

[+0.1] Good dialog: background info about Suzanne and Connie.

After accepting the message I carefully read the send-off message, then suddenly realize I'm on a 10 minute timer. Ack! Looking back at the mission briefing, it does mention I may only have minutes to act.

Mission title is "Stop the Biochemical Weapon (or not)" but no biochemical weapon has been mentioned so far, so not sure why I would know to do this.

[-0.1] Don't understand why I'm doing this: what biochemical weapon?

I like the mission entry popup.

I find some "Fortunata nerve gas" which I disable. Do fortunata really stockpile nerve gas? They seem more into psychic abilities than something as mundane as chem warfare. (Nitpicky)

In the time I had, I was only able to find 2 of the nerve gas cannisters; I decided the most heroic thing to do would be to save the captured fortunata. She says:


[NPC] Captured Fortunata: Kyrie Eleison is here. I expect she will eliminate your bothersome presence.

I actually would've expected her to be a little more surprised that I'm helping her; heroes normally should be her enemy. Rescuing her gives me "A Fortunata's Vision" as a clue, with some enigmatic prophecy about me defeating Karansky, but at a cost. Then time runs out and the mission fails.

Fail debriefing: the contact says they "are not overly saddened by the fact that you were unable to save the Fortunatas." But, actually, I did save the only fortunata on the map.

[-0.1] Continuity problem: contact says fortunatas died, but I actually saved one.

She then mentions a "homing beacon" that she hopes will lead to her sister. But I don't have any homing beacon in my clue journal. I'm not sure now if one was mentioned in the briefing; if so, I may have missed it when I realized I was on a short timer.

[-0.1] Continuity problem: where did the homing beacon come from? Maybe add a clue for it.

Mission 5
Briefing: the homing beacon leads to Grandville. Decent explanation for why I need to do this and not Longbow.

[-0.01] Typo: repsonse -> response

Sendoff message: Some references to "hidden cave networks"; hmm, I'm not too familiar with the Grandville beach map, so I guess I'll check for caves. The contact refers to her sister as "Constance" here for the first time; she always called her "Connie" before. Possibly Connie is short for Constance, but I don't think it would be natural to use her full name here.

[-0.01] Consistency: Constance -> Connie

Mission objectives: stopping Karansky makes sense; why don't I have an objective to save Connie, though? She is mentioned in the briefing as someone to save here.

Inside the mission: Found a Slinging Stinger (custom insect-person) who popped build up, which scared me, but managed to beat it up.

Found also a Fortunate One, a spines custom mob; not sure why he's called Fortunate One. His bio doesn't say; from a distance I thought he might be Fortunata One.

I comb the beaches looking for cave entrances and clicking on the doors of bunkers, but don't find anything. Asking some other people, I don't think there are caves here, so the briefing is actually deceptive.

[-0.1] Briefing made me waste time searching for something that wasn't there.

Finally found Dr. Karansky (?) who appears to be an Arachnoid. He's actually in the "Arachnoids" enemy group, but the other Arachnoids are in "Karansky's FURY"; I think maybe he should be, too.

[-0.01] Wrong faction: Dr. Karansky (?) should be in "Karansky's FURY".

He has a huge monologue as I get near him:

[NPC] Dr. Karansky (?): Come and revel in my power. Join me and together we can lead the world into an era where confilct exists, but doesn't lead to violence. A world where individualism and disharmony bring joy and excitement, instead of resentment, jealousy, and ridicule. - - You can be my right hand... The right hand of a god. - - We shall purge the world of the weak and evil. Their bodies and foolish immorality shall be the top dressing in which the true ideals can propagate.

[-0.01] Typo: confilct -> conflict



Defeating Dr. Karansky (?) triggers new objectives: 3 Crystals to destroy, and Should You Fight Karansky Again? (in orange type for some reason).

[-0.1] Don't understand why I'm doing this: Why destroy crystals? What makes me think I need to fight Karansky again? (Maybe need a clue for defeating Dr. Karansky (?) or some motivating dialog.)

Found Constance Bernhard (Dr. Karansky ?) ... is this meant to imply Karansky is now possessing her? Some of the earlier "research" clues make some more sense now. Karansky is turning himself into some sort of hive mind? The objectives seem to imply that I can decide not to fight her, but I decide to attack her. She says:

[NPC] Constance Bernhard (Dr. Karansky ?): Come fight me hero. - - We are indomitable. Dr. Karansky, I, have given myself a new vision. A unity that does remove the individual. - - We learn from you and our purpose and indentity are formed by your ineffectiveness. - - I wish Suzanne could know that this is what we dreamed of as foolish children, come to fruition.

[-0.01] Awkward phrasing: "Dr. Karansky, I, have given myself" sounds awkward. I'd suggest you write this line entirely from Karansky's POV, e.g., "I have given this woman a new vision"; but you have some other lines where it seems Connie's consciousness is struggling with Karansky's control, so maybe sticking with that idea is closer to your vision. Also Karansky is rather inconsistent with his pronouns, sometimes saying "I" and sometimes "we" to refer to himself.

[-0.01] Typo: indentity -> identity



Constance hits pretty hard, but is doable. Defeating Constance triggers "Find the real Dr. Karansky". I soon find Dr. Karansky, who spawned as a +0 EB for me. Fighting him, he repeatedly tries to confuse me; fortunately, I have some break frees (otherwise I'd probably be in trouble).

Found some Crystallized Karansky Serums that satisfy the "Crystals to destroy" objective. Their description says that "pulverizing it into diaphanous dust" will "spread [it] through the air", which makes me think that "destroying" them with my fire melee would be a bad idea. Also I don't think any of the other Karansky's FURY mobs were infected/injected using Karansky crystals?

[-0.1] Awkward mechanic: destroying crystals doesn't quite make sense in this context. Maybe clicking a glowy (gas cannisters, bombs, lab equipment, something like that) would make more sense?

Destroying the 3 crystals triggers an objective of "Another Crystal!" in a bigger font and different color. I'm a little puzzled.

[-0.1] Don't understand why I'm doing this: how do I know another crystal is out there? (I didn't get any clue saying there was.) And why not just make it "4 crystals to destroy" in the first place?

The new crystal is "Crystallized Karansky Serums" which says it's in some kind of field that I cannot penetrate. Hmm, wonder why this is different? Defeating the guards of the crystal completes the mission though; I guess it was a defendable object?

Debriefing: covers the basic points (what happens to Connie and Karansky) but seems a little underwhelming for the end of the whole arc. I imagine the contact is unhappy that Connie is so badly hurt and so is written as being cold and distant here.

[-0.1] Ending feels unsatisfying.

Souvenir: a decent souvenir with a couple inconsistencies from the actual arc.

[-0.01] Inconsistency: souvenir calls the arc "Mad Science and Hard Choices", arc title is actually "The Better Part of Valor".

[-0.01] Continuity error: souvenir says I destroyed "devices" but actually I destroyed "crystals".

Overall
I liked how the story built up from a minor investigation into a major threat; this felt pretty believable. Karansky's mad plan was pretty cool too. I had trouble understanding why I was doing some of the objectives sometimes; I think this could be cleared up with some more explanation in either the briefings or clues. I'm glad we saved Connie but am sorry she was left in such bad shape; perhaps this was the design intent (I think it was written this way to try and satisfy Aeon's Challenge), but it felt like a rather pyrrhic victory.

Total: [3.93]. I rated the arc 4 stars.

--

My queue is currently:

TigerKnight - Real Afterlife #354483
FredrikSvanberg - The Tangled Weave #338575 (played already, need to write up notes)
Venture - The Christmas We Get #356477
Tenzen - The Hidden Agenda #356334
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 02 #11728
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 03 #174352

Hey, PoliceWoman, I was able to get one last review in before the end of 2009!

Read it here

Real Afterlife review
Arc ID: 354483
Keywords: Solo Friendly, Canon Related, Mystery
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 39-39
Warnings: EBs, high level villains appearing at low levels, custom power selections. (Author note in arc description says the player doesn't actually fight the EBs and high level villains.)

The premise is related to a book by War Witch called "Real Life"; I assume this means the Paragon Studios person who goes by this name, and not the in-game character, but I'm not sure. Regardless, I'm not familiar with this book, so not sure what to expect. I played a 39 archery/dev blaster on +0 x0 difficulty, mostly SOs with some minor IO slotting (about 16% range DEF, no other bonuses of note). The contact is Azuria.

[5.0] points to start with.

Mission 1
Briefing: nicely formatted with good use of colors and fonts. Azuria wants me to find out why CoT have been sighted in Croatoa. She says "it's not normally a place that interests them"; but actually, Croatoa is heavily magical so it doesn't seem strange to me that CoT might be interested in Croatoa. (Granted, no CoT are normally seen there.)

[-0.01] Typo: recieved -> received, recieving -> receiving

Mission title is "Stop the excavation!" but no excavation was mentioned in the briefing or send-off message, so this is an odd thing to call it. Perhaps "Stop Circle plot in Croatoa" or something similar would fit better, or Azuria could mention the CoT were seen near an excavation, in which case it would be fine as-is.

[-0.01] Mission title doesn't match briefing.

Entering the mission, I find myself in a blue cave. With Croatoa being mentioned, I would've expected to be on a Croatoa outdoor map, or at least the type of cave that you see in Croatoa. I don't believe any of the Croatoa missions are on a blue cave map.

[-0.1] Map selection doesn't match the story.

Going a little deeper into the mission, I find several captives named "Circle Slave" with Tuatha models.


Don't tell me what I can't do!

[-0.01] Typo: Tuatha de Dannon -> Tuatha de Dannan (in Circle Slave's group name)
[-0.01] Typo: Thuatha -> Tuatha (in Circle Slave's description)

After I rescue him, he says:


[NPC] Circle Slave: Circle evil.... Arrow Girl good.... Arrow Girl Thuatha friend

[-0.01] Typo: Thuatha -> Tuatha (in Circle Slave's dialog)

All the Circle Slaves seem to have the same dialog; would be a little nicer if you could mix it up a little (if space permits).


I found a patch of debris that was named "Clues". This should probably be named something like "Debris" or "Rocks".

[-0.01] "Clues" glowy should be named after what it looks like, not what you get from it

The Clues give me the "Mysterious Rubble" clue, described as stones with magical runes on them. The clue suggests I should take them to Azuria; normally I'd prefer if a clue would directly tell me the meaning, rather than force me to take it back to the contact, but in the case of magical runes, I suppose it makes sense to take it to Azuria to decipher (for Arrow Girl, anyway; maybe a sorceress would be different).

I overhear some patrols who seem to be searching for some sort of parchment. I eventually get near a CoT boss, who says:

[NPC] Corinthas: Finally we can leave this forsaken land and return to Oranbanga

[-0.01] Typo: Oranbanga -> Oranbega (in Corinthas' dialog). Also, needs a period at the end.

Defeating Coninthas gave me the "Corinthas screeches at you" clue, along with ending the mission. I like how you have the evil laughter (in the clue) also in the dialog; I think I'd even put a little more of the clue's dialog into the mob's actual dialog. At the very least, the "FOOL! This fight doesn't matter!" bit.

[-0.01] Typo: Oranbanga -> Oranbega (in Corinthas' clue)

[-0.01] Typo: Thuatha -> Tuatha (in mission exit popup)

I liked saving the Tuatha, but at the end of the mission, I still have no idea what the CoT were up to, which makes me feel like I failed to do what Azuria asked (namely, find out what the CoT were doing in Croatoa).

[-0.1] Don't understand: mission has ended, but it doesn't seem like I've accomplished what was asked

Debriefing: Azuria seems confused by what I've found, too.

[-0.01] Continuity error: Azuria says "[the CoT's] affinity with the mystical arts tends to be more spiritual than geological" and generally suggests that the CoT should have no interest in magic rocks. This is untrue; the CoT commonly have magical crystals in Oranbega, and their whole plan in the Ice Mistral SF hinges on various mind control crystals. (This is rather nitpicky so only rated this at -0.01 though.)

[-0.01] Typo: M.A.G.I -> M.A.G.I. (or MAGI is also OK)

[4.69] at end of mission 1

Mission 2
Briefing: Azuria refers to "M.A.G.I.'s top Croatoan sages" here; for authenticity, I'd suggest giving their actual names, which may sound familiar to players (e.g., Walter Daschle, Gregori Romanov, etc.) rather than saying "top men are looking into it". The sages apparently cannot tell anything about these rune stones, however, except that they were part of a box that had something in it.

[-0.01] Typo: stiffle -> stifle

[-0.01] Typo: extra space after "brought back" and before .

[-0.01] Typo: extra period after "come for".

Send-off message: the "top sages" apparently are able to track down the Circle's "new prize".

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: if the sages can't even tell what was inside the box, how can they possibly know where the thing inside the box was taken? Need a more believable lead-in to this mission.

[-0.01] Typo: poisioning -> poisoning (in mission entry popup)

[-0.01] Typo: abonded -> abandoned (in mission entry popup)

Neat sounding objectives in the mission.

[-0.01] Punctuation: "Why was this section abandoned?" looks weird with a comma right after the question mark, may want to rephrase.

I notice that one objective is "Seek Answers" and the next is "Investigate noises"; consider capitalizing these the same way. (Very nitpicky.)

[-0.01] Typo: Mobs are in a group called "CoT excavaton". excavaton -> excavation

Found a "Pile of Books" glowy that satisfied the "Seek Answers" objective, giving me the "Mystical Books." clue (should probably be "Mystical Books" with no period, for consistency).

[-0.01] Rephrase: "if only you spoke ancient Croatoan so you could understand them" should be "if only you could read ancient Croatoan so you could understand them" (since you read books, you don't speak to them.)

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: if I can't read these books, how do I know they contain "the answers" I'm looking for?

Wouldn't it make more sense for these books to be in ancient Oranbegan, considering I find them in Oranbega? (Nitpicky.) Or if these books are meant to be in Croatoan (and imply that they were inside the aforementioned box), that should be mentioned in the clue.

Found an "unmarked coffin" glowy which satisfied the "Why was this abandoned?" objective, and gave me the "Empty Coffin" clue.

[-0.01] Typo: abondoned -> abandoned (in "Empty Coffin" clue)

[-0.01] Typo: The only clues to what was inside is a distinct outline -> The only clue to what was inside is a distinct outline(in "Empty Coffin" clue)

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: How does finding the empty coffin satisfy "Why was this abandoned?" There is no explanation in the clue for why this area was abandoned. In fact the clue just raises more questions. (Perhaps this could be fixed by rephrasing the objectives to something like "X clues to find" with the coffin being one of the clues.)

After that I found lots and lots of piles of bones labeled "Remains"; clicking on them didn't seem to do anything. There are some messages in my spam message box about finding tatters of robes among the bones.

After extensive searching I found "Mysterious Woman", who appeared to be a friendly boss in some group called "Silver Thorn Arc" being guarded by CoT.


I found her hiding in the swimming pool.

[-0.1] Missing text: Mysterious Woman has no description (uses default "Boss" text instead).

Upon rescuing her, she immediately takes off, the mission ends, and I get the "Who was that?" clue, along with "As you leave the city..." clue. You might consider naming the last one "As you leave Oranbega" (to avoid the player getting confused as to which city you're referring to).

[-0.01] Awkward phrasing: "you brush yourself off of all the dust and cobwebs. Suddenly you notice something that wasn't there before when you went in..... A series of footprints"; consider rephrasing to something like "you brush dust and cobwebs off. Suddenly, you notice something that wasn't there when you entered: a series of footprints".

[-0.1] Don't understand: the mission was to "Find the Artifact"; the mission has ended, but we haven't found the artifact. Unless the books are supposed to be the artifact? If so, that needs to be clearer.

Debriefing: A decent recap of what's just happened and what Azuria thinks of the events so far.

[-0.01] Typo: "M.A.G.I" should be either "M.A.G.I." or "MAGI".

[-0.01] Capitalization: "using them" should be "Using them" (since it is at the start of a sentence). "Good Job" should be "Good job".

[4.06] at end of mission 2

Mission 3
Briefing: nice flavor text at the beginning, but some players may not appreciate the value of coffee (e.g., if their character is a robot or space alien or something). (Nitpicky.) The book DOES turn out to be in Oranbegan. Of course! But then, why did I assume they were in ancient Croatoan in the first place? I found it in Oranbega, after all.

[-0.01] Typo: dilects -> dialects

[-0.01] Typo: languistics -> linguistics

[-0.01] Typo: dicipher -> decipher

[-0.01] Punctuation: "But I know of someone who can" needs a period at the end.

[-0.1] Hard to believe: no one in MAGI, a magical think tank, can read the language of Oranbega, the major magical underground city in City of Heroes?

Send-off message: so she sends me to see Akarist; he does seem a reasonable Oranbega expert. I'm still a little unclear on why we think these particular books are important.

[-0.01] Typo: phanlax -> phalanx

[-0.01] Typo: "isn't always our friends" should be either "isn't always our friend" or "aren't always our friends"

Inside the mission, my only mission objective is "Akarist".

[-0.01] Missing text: "Akarist" objective should be something like "Find Akarist" or "Meet with Akarist", not just his name (which is, I believe, the default text if you leave the field blank).

[-0.01] Typo: mission entry popup, "The Circle must of sent them" -> "The Circle must have sent them"

A number of Longbow troops seem to be held captive by various CoT demons. They don't look required, so I skip over them. There seems to be a LOT of them. I approach one just to see what happens. One of the CoT says:

[NPC] Nerva Spectral Daemon: ANOTHER FILTY HUMAN! KILLS IT!

[-0.01] Typo: FILTY -> FILTHY

Stealthing deep into the mission I find and rescue Akarist, which completes the mission.

[-0.1] Missing text: Akarist and his guards have no dialog at all; being the major objective of this mission, they probably should.

[-0.1] Mission too simple: rescue 1 hostage and done?

Rescuing Akarist gives me the "Akarist's was rescued!" clue, and at the same time "Arkarist's tale of the Oranbegan Mordan".

[-0.01] Typo: "Akarist's was rescued!" -> "Akarist was rescued!"

[-0.01] Typo: "Arkarist's tale" -> "Akarist's tale"

[-0.01] Inconsistency: "Akarist was rescued" says the books belong to "Morbian", but "Arkarist's tale" says they belong to "Mordan".

[-0.01] Typo: fufill -> fulfill (in Akarist's tale)

[-0.01] Typo: "it's body" -> "its body"; also "it's heart" -> "its heart" (in Akarist's tale)

[-0.01] Typo: ressurrect -> resurrect (in Akarist's tale)

Debriefing: interesting speculation about what Mordan/Morbian would do with the knowledge he discovered.

[-0.01] Typo: etherial -> ethereal

[-0.01] Typo: your not feeling -> you're not feeling

[-0.1] Hard to believe: Why is the player supposed to be so afraid of the idea that Mordan/Morbian might possess his own dead corpse? How is this worse than the zombies or liches we normally run into? I think I'd be more afraid if Mordan/Morbian ended up possessing some powerful undead being, like Numina or Nosferatu.

[3.49] at end of mission 3

Mission 4
[-0.01] Typo: "A Witches Tale" should be "A Witch's Tale" or "A Witches' Tale" (in the caption)

[-0.01] Typo: "Ritki" -> "Rikti" (in the briefing)

Briefing: Azuria gives an info dump on what she knows about Mordan, but then says she needs us to do something completely different.

Send off message: CoT are gathering in Founders Falls and Azuria wants me to go do something about it.

[-0.01] Punctuation: "Find the mysterious woman." in mission objectives should omit the trailing period (looks strange with a comma right after it)

The map is full of recolored Earth Thorn Casters named "Oranbanga Decendant" in an enemy group called "Ressurrected".

[-0.01] Typo: Oranbanga Decendant -> Oranbega Descendant
[-0.01] Typo: Ressurrected -> Resurrected

After clearing a few rooms of Oranbanga Decendants, I find War Witch captured by some (non-recolored) Earth Thorn Casters in the CoT excavaton group. Not sure if these were meant to be Ressurrected Oranbanga Decendants too, or not. Rescuing War Witch satisfies "Find the mysterious woman." objective and gives me the "War Witch needs help!" clue. She also says "Mordan is here!" in her dialog (maybe also worth mentioning this in her clue).

[-0.01] Typo: existance -> existence (in "War Witch needs help!")

[-0.01] Faction name: War Witch is in the "Silver Thorn Arc" group. I have the feeling that "Silver Thorn Arc" just means NPCs belonging to the story arc with silver thorns in it. She probably should belong to a faction more descriptive of her character, such as "Paragon Heroes".

Found a renamed ghost, called "Unbound Oranbangan", also in the "Ressurrected" faction. Unbound Oranbangan's description actually says that it was not successfully resurrected, though, so maybe "Ressurrected" is not an appropriate group for it. (Nitpicky.)

[-0.01] Typo: "Unbound Oranbangan" -> "Unbound Oranbegan".

War Witch gets stuck on geometry at one point (her leg clipping with a boulder) but I eventually manage to shake her loose by moving around her.

I finally reach the last room of this cave to discover it is the 5-layer-cake room. Arrgh.


The most horrifying moment of the arc.

I exhaustively search and clear the 5-layer-cake room, but the mission doesn't complete. I end up having to search the entire cave map again, only to find 2 CoT ghosts hiding behind a pillar in one of the previous rooms. Killing them completed the mission.

[-0.5] Frustrating gameplay: defeat all Earth Thorn Casters and CoT ghosts in an underground blue cave, with multiple rooms with multiple levels, including the 5-layer-cake room -- very frustrating and time consuming. Please consider changing the objective something that stops the CoT but isn't a Defeat All; or alternatively, make the map much smaller.

[-0.1] Lack of mission details: there were no mission details on this map except for War Witch herself (well, and Defeat All). Consider adding some more details (patrols perhaps, or CoT performing rituals or preparing to invade Croatoa) to make this mission seem more lively. And what happened to Mordan? War Witch said he was in this mission, but he wasn't.

Mission exit popup has me being very suspicious towards War Witch. I also get a "War Witch Explains Herself" clue. She explains that she isn't really War Witch ... in fact, she is a parallel universe War Witch who is currently possessed by the Primal Earth version of War Witch.

[-0.01] Typo: dimention -> dimension (in "War Witch Explains Herself")

[-0.01] Rephrase: "I just about to alert any heroes in the area" -> "I was just about to alert the heroes in the area"

[-0.01] Rephrase: "she allowed her to possess her body" should be "she allowed me to possess her body"

[-0.1] Unclear explanation: I initially thought "War Witch Explains Herself" meant that Primal Earth War Witch had actually stolen the silver thorn from Mordan, and used it to possess Pocket D War Witch, which confused me because I thought Mordan was using the silver thorn to possess, umm, Mordan. I didn't realize War Witch's real plan was to get me to take the silver thorn and use it to resurrect her until the end of mission 5. I think this clue needs to be clarified to explain this better; it makes sense in hindsight but is somewhat confusing.

Debriefing: The writing here, where War Witch describes how her condition feels, seemed very evocative to me.

[+0.1] Neat writing in debriefing.

[2.78] at the end of mission 4

Mission 5
Briefing: War Witch wants me to take down Mordan.

[-0.01] Typo: sympathic -> sympathetic

[-0.01] Continuity: War Witch says Mordan is here for "revenge" on the Cabal for some mistake long ago; she also suggests that Mordan was once a sympathetic character. Reviewing my clue journal, I don't see anything about the Cabal somehow offending Mordan, or any hints that Mordan was ever anything other than an evil wizard. Needs some foreshadowing. (Later I find the souvenir says the Cabal massacred Mordan and his acolytes, but I didn't see where this was mentioned in the story in the first place.)

[-0.01] Typo: Morden -> Mordan (in send-off message)

Mission entry popup: the popup explains the witches are hiding and letting the CoT fight the rest of Croatoa before getting involved.

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: story has established CoT has a grudge against the Cabal; the other Croatoa factions have little love for the Cabal, so I don't think they'd actually fight the CoT to help the Cabal, and I don't believe the CoT should be so ignorant of Croatoa politics that they would randomly attack other factions by mistake.

I find and rescue a Tuatha Champion from some Oranbanga Decendants. The CoT have the presence of mind to say:

[NPC] Oranbanga Decendant: This is not your fight hero!

....as they fight a Tuatha who has nothing to do with the Cabal they are after. The Tuatha joins me after I rescue him, but he's only a minion, so is pretty fragile, especially because the recolored Earth Thorn Casters like to Foot Stomp a lot. May want to make him at least a lieutenant, considering he's a "champion", unless the intent is that he should die easily. I end up using Aid Other, a lot, to heal the allies up between fights. I rescue 2 more Tuatha, then War Witch herself; they all join me. When I rescue War Witch, she says:


[NPC] War Witch: We have to hurry and help the Tuatha!

...but actually, I've rescued all the Tuatha already, so this dialog doesn't make much sense in this context.

[-0.01] Dialog: assumes you rescue War Witch before the Tuatha, but actually you can do it the other way around.

Linking up with War Witch gives me the triggered objective "Defeat Morbian".

When I find the guy, the name of the mob is "Mordan" but in his description he's called "Morbian".

[-0.01] Inconsistency: mission title is "Defeat Morden" but mission objective is "Defeat Morbian". Need to decide on one name and use it, throughout the arc.

[-0.01] Typo: Coucil -> Council (in Mordan/Morbian's description)

Mordan is only a lieutenant for me, which seems awfully easy considering I have 4 allies (granted, 3 are minions). I easily crush him but it doesn't complete the mission. It turns out one CoT ghost had phased out and fled, which kept the objective from being completed; when it returns to the scene, I kill it and the mission ends, giving me "The Silver Thorn" as a clue. Consider making him "only boss required", maybe one rank tougher as well.

"The Silver Thorn" is kind of a cool ending as you try to use it to resurrect War Witch, but it doesn't work out, and War Witch seems to accept this.

[+0.1] Cool story element ("The Silver Thorn" clue)

[-0.01] Typo: Estatic -> Ecstatic (in "The Silver Thorn")

Debriefing: Primal Earth War Witch says her farewells; pretty nice ending. I kinda think Mordan's CoT plot should get at least a cursory mention here; though perhaps that would be distracting from War Witch's monologue, so up to you.

[-0.01] Typo: "it's rightful owner" -> "its rightful owner"

Nice item for souvenir.

[-0.01] Typo: recieved -> received (in souvenir)
[-0.01] Typo: accross -> across (in souvenir)
[-0.01] Typo: maurading -> marauding (in souvenir)
[-0.01] Typo: "A Oranbega sorcerer" -> "An Oranbegan sorcerer" (in souvenir)
[-0.01] Typo: fufill -> fulfill (in souvenir)
[-0.01] Typo: ressurrect -> resurrect (in souvenir, 2 times)
[-0.01] Typo: anymore -> any more (in souvenir)
[-0.01] Typo: dimention -> dimension (in souvenir, 2 times)

[2.62] at end of mission 5

Overall
The story itself is pretty cool, but is marred by a very large number of typos, which normally would be no big deal, but there are so many that it's distracting. I actually had not realized Primal Earth War Witch and Pocket D War Witch were different people (as shown in this arc), but the game lore backs it up; I liked how War Witch was ultimately characterized. The defeat all in the cave felt unnecessarily painful. There were a few plot points that I felt were confusing or needed a bit more explanation or motivation; especially War Witch's plan, which is quite complicated.

Rounding 2.62 up, I gave this arc 3 stars.

--

My queue is currently:

FredrikSvanberg - The Tangled Weave #338575 (played already, need to write up notes)
Venture - The Christmas We Get #356477
Tenzen - The Hidden Agenda #356334
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 02 #11728
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 03 #174352
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 04 #269714

The Tangled Weave review
Arc ID: 338575
Keywords: Ideal for Teams, Complex Mechanics, Canon Related
Morality: Villainous
Level range: 5-10
Warnings: EBs, high level villains appearing at low levels

The premise is an introductory arc for VEATs. I played this on a hero on a 2-player team, though, mostly because our level range matched. I was on a level 9 kin/sonic defender; my powers were slotted with either TOs or nothing. My teammate was on a level 9 FF/archery defender. Being on a team, I was moving through the arc faster than I normally would, so my notes are a little more sketchy. Hopefully having 2 people play through the arc should make up for it.

[5.0] points at start.

Mission 1
The contact wants us to plant some false info to lure out traitors.

[-0.01] Default "Accept" message is a little dull; suggest changing it to be something the player says.

The map is suspiciously empty. We saw tons of allied Arachnos and a Base Commander, who didn't seem to have a name (but maybe a title is enough).

Finding a glowy, we click it and a bunch of wolf spiders spawn and call us traitors and attack. We now have "Investigate Network Activity" as a triggered objective.

There's a lot of intramural fighting among Arachnos now, as we look through the map for the new objective.

We found Jenkins; I liked his dialog. He seems to satisfy the "network activity" objective.


We catch Jenkins red-handed using Arachnos' internet connection for non-official use!

[+0.1] Neat dialog

[-0.1] No clues for any of this? Seems like we should've gotten something.

[+0.1] Neat mechanics for this mission

[-0.1] Player is diminished: Burch turns out to be the traitor, but he isn't exposed because of the player's efforts; the contact reveals this.

[+0.1] Continuity: having Burch be the traitor is good continuity with the official Mercy Island storyline.

[5.09] at end of mission 1.

Mission 2
Briefing: we need to enter a Snake temple to fight Legacy Chain.

[-0.01] Typo: artefacts -> artifacts

[-0.1] Briefing seemed much too short

[-0.01] Default "Accept" message is a little dull

We rescued some Snakes, and they joined us as an ally.


In a strange role reversal, we helped Snakes fight some humans.

Eventually we encountered and fought the Diviner of Truth (who fled from us at low life, but we got him).

Debriefing:

[-0.1] Debriefing: Syrus is mentioned in debriefing, not encountered during mission.

[+0.1] Good continuity: both of us liked the tie-in to the standard Mercy plotline.

[4.97] at end of mission 2.

Mission 3

[-0.01] Typo: unsanitary problems -> sanitary problems (in briefing)

[-0.01] Typo: more interesting specimen -> most interesting specimens (in briefing)

[-0.01] Default "Accept" message is a little dull

[-0.01] Typo: "3 advanced specimen to capture" -> "3 advanced specimens to capture" (in objectives)


[NPC] Maintenance Worker: Arachnos! I'm saved!
Now that's not something you hear every day.

Liked Dr Creed's appearance! A nice cameo.

We got the maintenance worker killed; I liked his "dying" message.

[4.93] at end of mission 3.

Mission 4
Briefing: now we're to punish a hero infiltrator.

[-0.01] Default "Accept" message is a little dull

Lots of Longbow inside. We found the hero; I love the "Lady Darkdoom" name, it's so..stereotypical.

[-0.01] Costume: she's wearing a Longbow uniform? Seems a bit too obvious to be a proper infiltrator?

We end up having to defeat some leftover Longbow after beating Lady Darkdoom, in order to succeed at her objective. Consider making Lady Darkdoom "only boss required".

Great mission exit popup!

[4.91] at end of mission 4.

Mission 5

[-0.01] Typo: Dr Creed -> Dr. Creed (two instances)
[-0.01] Typo: cess pools -> cesspools
[-0.01] Default "Accept" message is a little dull

[-0.1] Map selection: the green moldy office seems much too big for the number of objectives in this mission.

Infected Corpse is in the "Mad Scientist" faction, but is not actually a mad scientist. (nitpicky)

I liked the recolored Vahzilok, they look good.

Some dialog we saw:

[NPC] Infected Corpse: How did they escape their cells?
[NPC] Stricken Brawler: Hurt . . . you.
[NPC] Infected Corpse: Someone must have let them out, there's no other explanation!
[NPC] Stricken Brawler: So thirsty.

But, should corpses really be lucid enough to say these lines? (Nitpicky)

[-0.01] Typo: "Lead mr Geist to safety" -> "Lead Mr. Geist to safety"


Showdown with the big bad guy!

Creed fled at the end. We chased and dropped him, but then had to go back and mop up stragglers in order to accomplish the objective. You might consider changing him to "only boss required".

The final boss "teleports away" instead of being properly defeated; this seemed a little disappointing as an ending.

[-0.1] Disappointing: Creed is scripted to escape even if the player beats him down.
[+0.1] Continuity: admittedly, this is good continuity with the official Mercy Island storyline.

[4.77] at end of mission 5.

Overall
I thought this was a fun starting story for a newbie villain. It seemed well-balanced for lowbies, had good tie-ins with the official continuity, and had a lot of fun elements.

Rounding 4.77 up, I gave this arc 5 stars.

My teammate gave the arc 4 stars; he said he would've liked more clues.

--

My queue is currently:

Venture - The Christmas We Get #356477
Tenzen - The Hidden Agenda #356334
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 02 #11728
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 03 #174352
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 04 #269714

Another day, another review of one of your arcs, PoliceWoman

Hope you think I gave it a fair score!

The Christmas We Get review
Arc ID: 356477
Keywords: Solo Friendly, Drama
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 41-54
Warnings: AVs, EBs, custom power selections (but author note claims that AVs and EBs are not used as enemies)

The premise is to help some newbie in the Rogue Isles with an operation against Arachnos. I played a 43 katana/willpower scrapper, almost entirely using SOs (one set of 4 Smashing Haymaker, everything else SOs), on +0 x0 difficulty. The contact is a custom character in body armor.

[5.0] starting points.

Mission 1
Briefing: nice use of color and formatting. Meeting up with the contact in Port Oakes, he says very little about what his plans are, other than he's going to hit Arachnos and I won't do anything too dirty. This is borderline "not enough info" but his saying these last few words are enough to make me guardedly accept the mystery mission.

Send-off message: he reveals what the mission actually is, to hack some computers in an Arachnos base.

I also get "Agent Murano's Briefing File" as an initial clue. This has some very sketchy background information. I do like the reference to a character who appeared in Splintered Shields. I don't think this is a sequel, though.

The mission is full of Arachnos, but based on the briefing it sounds like I don't really have to fight them, so I skip past most of them. Some of the patrols have some interesting dialog about local Arachnos policies (mostly oppressive, unsurprisingly).

Found and fought an "Operative Scott", who has amusingly jaded dialog.

Clicking the first Arachnos Computer gives me the "Shipping Files" clue, which makes the info being stolen seem pretty mundane. Not much more is learned from the other 3 Arachnos Computers, but finding the last one completes the mission.

Debriefing: the contact claims the data "looks innocuous but will be very useful". Not quite seeing it yet, but maybe it will become clear later.

[-0.1] Don't know why I'm doing this. (Though, keeping me in the dark seems to be part of the story so far.)

[4.9] at end of mission 1.

Mission 2
Briefing: the contact wants me to clear out a Council base so he can use it for a home base.

[-0.1] Don't know why I'm doing this: why clear out a temporary base if he only needs it for "a few hours"? Not explained, seems puzzling.

[-0.01] Typo: incapcitate -> incapacitate (in briefing)

Send-off message: the contact claims that "all will become clear soon." We'll see.

Inside the mission, there are some Council types singing a German Christmas carol. I nearly flagged this as "Hey, Council are Italian now," but there's some nice dialog hinting that most of these are former 5th Columnists that were absorbed into the Council. Or wait... maybe they actually ARE 5th Column who are feigning being Council operatives; this seems possible, too. Either way, it's kinda cool.

[+0.1] Neat use of former (?) 5th Column as Council operatives.

I found Archon Murray, a named boss who was planning a Christmas party (?).

[-0.01] Typo: Raseri -> Raserei (in Murray's description)

[-0.01] Typo: comng -> coming (in Murray's description)


Telling the host that his party sucks.

Finding "An interesting-looking computer", I click it and get the "Council Computer Notes" clue, which also completes the mission. The clue actually has bullet points which confirm that the Council guys here were actually 5th Column in disguise.

[-0.01] Formatting: should separate bullet points A, B and C with line breaks to make them more legible.

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: if the 5th Column have really infiltrated this Council base, why would they incriminate themselves by putting this information in a file on the computer?

It's interesting that the notes mention Ramiel; but why are the Council interested in Ramiel? Perhaps this should be mentioned as well.

This mission was a defeat all, but it made sense as a defeat all, and the map wasn't too big, so I thought this was fine.

Debriefing: the contact now explains why he wanted me to take over this base, revealing part of his mad plan. Why didn't he say some of this in the briefing, I wonder? It would've made it clearer what I was supposed to be doing.

[4.76] at end of mission 2.

Mission 3
Briefing: one of the contact's supporters, a priest, is under attack by Arachnos troops, and the contact wants me to go save him. This seems kind of unrelated to the earlier plot; hopefully it will tie in somehow.

Inside the mission, I almost immediately find Agent Catherine Murano, an ally pinned down by some Arachnos.

[-0.1] Ally too powerful: an EB ally (maybe an AV on higher difficulty?) seems much too strong for the opposition in this mission. (Also it's just plain weird that she's invis while kneeling down as a captive.)


Rescuing Invisible Woman.

Agent Murano gives me the "An Unexpected Ally" clue.

A little further in we find "Father Jack Rolston", a hostage surrounded by Arachnos. We easily annihilate the Arachnos and free Father Jack.

[-0.01] Inconsistency: the briefing calls him "Jack Ralston" but the actual hostage is named "Jack Rolston" (last name is different)

Freeing Father Jack gives me "Father Jack's Story" as a clue, hinting that he's somehow connected with the "shipments" and also completes the mission, giving me "Debriefing with Murano" as a clue. We've now learned that these mysterious shipments are supposedly "Christmas party supplies". Murano is very skeptical of all this and seems convinced that the contact is up to something very shady.

Debriefing: Supposedly I can't find the contact at the rendezvous point.

[-0.1] Debriefing too short: barely one line and doesn't give much info.

[-0.01] Continuity problem: Ramiel said he was going to be preparing the Council base, shouldn't I be checking for him there, not the rendezvous point?

[4.54] at end of mission 3

Mission 4
Briefing: the story apparently anticipated my objection and now sends me to the Council base.

Inside the mission, I quickly find and rescue Ramiel, who is an EB ally. The dialog appears to confirm that Ramiel is a former Arachnos operative that has gone rogue.


o/` Hark the herald angels sing! o/`

I like the etymology and the symbolism of the Ramiel codename that is presented, though I can't confirm that Ramiel actually means what he says; Wikipedia says it means "Thunder of God" and also the name of the angel of hope (which seems fitting for the theme).

[+0.1] Nice symbolism: Ramiel's codename.

[-0.1] Ally too powerful: Ramiel spawned as an EB with purple triangles. This seems much too strong against the opposition in this mission.

Ramiel gets stuck on one of the cave walls at one point (poor pathing, probably not much you can do barring changing maps) but I manage to get him unstuck by running back and forth a bit.

We find Operative Lucci and defeat her. She has some fun dialog. After she goes down, I still haven't achieved "Defeat Operative Lucci"; I had to kill a Fortunata in the next room before I got credit. May want to make her "only boss required". This finished the mission and gave me "The Plan" as a clue.

I also see I have "Behind the Mask" as a clue at this point; not sure if I got this for defeating Lucci or rescuing Ramiel.

[-0.01] Phrasing: "whatever else hoi polloi" -> "whatever else the hoi polloi" (in "The Plan")

Ramiel's plan is to celebrate Christmas, not because he likes Christmas, but because it's subversive against the Arachnos regime, as well as annoying Lord Recluse on a personal level. It's also part of his (long-term) mad plan to eventually conquer the Rogue Isles (though that seemed rather less likely to work).

[+0.1] Interesting plot idea.

[4.63] at end of mission 4.

Mission 5
Briefing: I like the Dr. Seuss reference. The contact sends me into an Arachnos base to steal Christmas supplies. It occurs to me that this sounds ludicrous on the face of it; but with the build up of the plot so far, it kinda works for me. This also neatly ties together the various seemingly unrelated missions Ramiel had me do earlier on (missions 1 through 3).

Send-off message: the contact wants me to take out a security computer and the base commander. But who actually is going to steal the Christmas supplies? No one is mentioned as undertaking that part of the plan.

[-0.1] Plot hole: how are the Christmas supplies being recovered? (I would've expected some glowies to click.) Even if this isn't a task assigned to me, I would expect some mention to be made of how this will happen.

[-0.01] Punctuation: "Take out the security computer." in the mission objectives should lose the trailing period (looks weird with a comma after it)

Map selection: initially I thought it was weird that this mission wasn't in an Arachnos style base, but after exploring a bit, the warehouse with all the crates does work well for a place where shipments would be stored.

I found and disabled the security computer, satisfying "Take out the security computer." and triggering an ambush.

Found Operative Carrey, who spawned as a lieutenant for me, and called two ambushes. Defeating him completed the mission.


Spreading Christmas cheer.

Debriefing: nicely written. The very last paragraph with "singing in the distance" and Christmas trees being put up, really grabbed me.

[+0.1] Nice ending.

[-0.01] Typo: etherial -> ethereal (in debriefing)

Souvenir: nicely dovetails with Agent Murano's earlier objection that Kobushi didn't have the necessary clearance to know the override codes that were needed for the plot to work. The souvenir is nicely written and the identity of the contact's mysterious ally makes sense based on his canonical characterization.

[+0.1] Cool souvenir that adds to the story.

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: not very smart for mysterious ally to admit to treason in writing and sign his name.

[-0.01] Typo: Nevetheless -> Nevertheless (in souvenir)

[4.6] at end of mission 5.

Overall
I thought this was a very nice holiday-themed story arc with good writing and characters. I had some issues with how little information was provided early on about what was going on, but the big reveal at the end of mission 4 cleared all that up and tied everything together quite neatly.

Throughout the arc, I felt like numerous minor characters were given just enough personality to make each one a little more "alive" than the typical named boss or named hostage.

[+0.1] Good characterization of minor supporting characters

I'm a little puzzled by the Council/5th Column interaction in mission 2; there was never any follow up on that part of the story.

[-0.01] Unresolved plot thread: why would the 5th Column infiltrate a Council base and throw a Christmas party? Especially if Lord Recluse stomps on Christmas as hard as is portrayed. (Peripheral at best to the main story, so I only rated this as a -0.01 nitpick)

[4.69] overall; rounding up, I gave this arc 5 stars.

--

My queue is currently:

Tenzen - The Hidden Agenda #356334
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 02 #11728
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 03 #174352
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 04 #269714
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 05 #304290

Thanks for your review of The Tangled Weave. As usual your proofreading is a great help.

I was writing a long response to the change in PW's rating system, but decided it should be it's own thread. Here is what I suggest:

Review rating 3-5 stars = 5 stars rating in game (you want to see this arc played by others)

Review rating 1-2 stars = arc is not rated in game

This, I feel will help take the "sting" out of a lower than 5 star review and will encourage people to take the review's suggestion for improvement as they are intended.


WN

Thanks for the review. I'll get those typos mopped up.

Further comments directed to the arc's thread, as usual.

Just finished another review of one of your arcs, PoliceWoman

I look forward to your reviews of my "Galactic Protectorate" arcs!

The Hidden Agenda (Task Force) review
Arc ID: 356334
Keywords: Ideal for Teams, Save the World, Sci-Fi
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 45-54
Warnings: AVs, EBs, extreme AVs, extreme EBs, custom power selections

[5.0] points to start with.

The premise is to find out what "the shadow government" is doing and shut it down. I'm not quite sure what the arc description means by "the shadow government" or the "Dulce underground base"; I think the arc's description could use a little more explanation, so that players not familiar with these terms might get interested in playing the arc.

[-0.1] Arc description needs more detail.

Between "ideal for teams", "Task Force", "extreme AVs" and "extreme EBs", this sounds pretty scary. I played a 50 MA/SR scrapper with heavy IO slotting to soft cap positional defense, on +0 x0 difficulty. The contact is Agent Six; I love Agent Six! I wish she appeared more in the canonical CoH game.

Mission 1
Briefing: the contact asks me to "poke around a suspected Shadow Government operation" at an underground base. She wants me to interview an informant named Thomas Castello.

[-0.1] Don't understand: Who or what is the "Shadow Government", and why are we mad at them? The contact acts like they are some sort of villain group. Needs some explanation.

[-0.01] Typo: "data on there plans" -> "data on their plans"; also, "get there hands on him" -> "get their hands on him"

Send-off message: the contact says the Shadow Government is "on his way" to get Castello as well. She also mentions something called the "Dulce Papers" but doesn't explain them.

[-0.01] Typo: "Shadow Government is on his way" -> "Shadow Government is on its way" (unless Shadow Government is something quite different than what I think)

[-0.01] Typo: "get our hand on the Dulce Papers" -> "get our hands on the Dulce Papers"

[-0.1] Don't understand: what are the Dulce Papers and why are they important? Needs some explanation.

[-0.1] Surprise timed mission: a 30 minute timer started after I accepted the mission; the briefing before accepting should really have some sort of warning about this. Saying "Time is running out" after the player has already accepted, doesn't give the player enough warning.

Inside the mission, I find I'm in an outdoor city map. Clearly not the underground Dulce base? Hmmm, where was I supposed to meet Castello again? Maybe the briefing should've said.

[-0.01] Typo: "your not the only one" -> "you're not the only one" (in mission entry popup)

The mission is full of men-in-black types belonging to a "Shadow Government" enemy group.

[-0.01] Typo: "dominate there pain" -> "dominate their pain" (in Vigilant description)

[-0.01] Typo: assasination -> assassination (in Field Agent description; the other agents have it spelled right)

[-0.01] Inconsistency: Infiltrator description says "Infiltrators are the main investigative branch of the Shadow Government". Vigilant description says "Vigilants are the main investigative branch of the Shadow Government". Field Agent description says "Field Agents are the main investigative branch of the Shadow Government". So which is it? Or maybe they should all belong to the same group, that is the main investigative branch? Also, investigators do not normally conduct "assassination ops".

I found Thomas Castello and rescued him. He exchanges some dialog with his guards, something about Castello betraying the Shadow Government and how they won't let me take him (fairly standard stuff).



While fighting them I notice that most of the men in black are worth no influence (and probably no exp), probably because of their power selections (I think they are mostly petless masterminds so they can have handguns). Only the Eliminator gives me any infl or tickets.

[-0.5] Low risk/reward: most enemies here (Infiltrator, Vigilant and Field Agent) are worth 0 exp and 0 infl. This will be a dealbreaker for many players. May I suggest re-using Crey secret agents to be members of your custom faction instead? They'd be a good match for the men-in-black thing you've got going on, and would have appropriate powers and rewards.

[-0.1] Difficult mob: Eliminator is a ninjitsu mob with build up. This is too dangerous; it can 1-shot (or nearly so) many players, especially if they don't have enough perception to see it.

After I save him, Castello says:

[NPC] Thomas Castello: Thank you so much for saving my life. Now let's get out of here before they send reinforcement.

[-0.01] Typo: reinforcement -> reinforcements

I fight off an ambush, then lead Castello to the entrance, which is a glowy red column; had to wiggle around the extrance a bit to get Castello to the right spot (not much you can do about that, it just seems to happen on some outdoor maps), but this completes the mission, giving me the "Dulce Papers" clue.

[-0.01] Typo: "in great details" -> "in great detail" (in Dulce Papers)

This mission was on a large outdoor map with only one objective (finding the hostage); the map was full of Shadow Government operatives, but none of them say or do anything, except for Castello's guards and the ambush. I think this mission could really use some additional mission details to it, perhaps some patrols or a boss or something, with a little dialog, to liven things up; and/or, it could stand to be on a much smaller map, to avoid searching for a "needle in a haystack".

[-0.1] Gameplay: mission needs more items of interest and/or should be on smaller map.

The mission exit popup, "You saved Thomas Castello from the Shadow Goverment", states the obvious and does not add a lot; I'd suggest adding some more writing there.

[-0.01] Mission exit popup needs more detail. (Also, Goverment -> Government)

Debriefing: fairly reasonable debriefing, covering the relevant facts that happened during the mission.

[3.80] at end of mission 1.

Mission 2
Briefing: with the intel gathered from the Dulce Papers, we now know a secret way to get into the Dulce Base. So now the contact wants me to infiltrate the base.

[-0.1] Don't understand what I'm doing: what am I supposed to do once I get inside the base? Am I stealing something? Looking for clues? Taking down the Shadow Government? Needs explanation.

[-0.01] Typo: Aldo -> Also

Send-off message: great, our intel says Delta Force operatives are defending the base. Sounds nasty. Here the contact does say I should defeat a boss and find some "security codes", though it's still not really clear why we're doing this.

[-0.01] Typo: "so is not going" -> "so it is not going" (in Send-off message)

[-0.01] Typo: "Bipass Security" -> "Bypass Security" (in mission title)

Inside the mission, I find that not only do I need to defeat the security chief and hack the security computer, I also have to "Defeat all security personnel". The "Delta Force" operatives in the base are re-purposed Malta, which actually makes total sense.

[+0.1] Nice use of Malta to represent the Delta Force custom faction

So effectively, it's a Defeat All Malta mission. The arc info says it's just a medium map, though, so maybe it won't be too bad.

I kinda question whether it's wise to defeat a platoon of Delta Force to infiltrate the Dulce base, though? That seems rather more noisy than I'd expect an infiltration mission to be.

[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: "Defeat all security personnel" objective does not seem in the spirit of the story (where you're sneaking into a base) or the mission title (which is "Bypass Security").

The map is a tech lab map, which isn't what I expected; what happened to all the stuff about sneaking through ventilation ducts and caves in the briefing?

[-0.1] Map selection: doesn't match briefing. (Can probably be fixed by adding more to the mission entry popup, describing something like "After crawling through the ventilation ducts, you find yourself inside the Dulce base.")

[-0.01] Typo: "how the...Inducer...work" -> "how the...Inducer...works" (in Sapper description)

[-0.01] Punctuation: "it certainly does so efficiently it is clear this weapon" -> "it certainly does so efficiently. It is clear that this weapon"

I end up clearing 3 levels of the tech lab of Delta Force operatives before I find a Security Computer. Hacking the Security Computer seems to take a really long time; it gives me the "Security Codes" clue, and also triggers an ambush (hey! thought I disabled security!).

[-0.01] Phrasing: "you came victorious at the end" should be something like "you were victorious in the end" or "you came through victorious in the end" (in Security Codes)

[-0.01] Typo: "Agent Six face" -> "Agent Six's face" (in Security Codes)

After fighting off the ambush, I battle the Security Chief, who spawned as a Malta EB for me. He also called an ambush of Hercules Titans on me.


Yeah, yeah. I've heard that one before.

[-0.1] Missing text: Security Chief is still using Gyrfalcon's description, but I'm sure you don't mean for him to be Gyrfalcon.

Defeating the Security Chief finished the mission.

Debriefing: basically ok, covers the main points. The contact says the security codes can be used to access the lower levels of the base.

[-0.01] Typo: thru -> through (in debriefing)

[-0.01] Typo: "you manage it well" -> "you managed it well" (in debriefing)

[+0.1] Learned something: "Dulce Base" is actually the name used by conspiracy theorists for a secret UFO experimentation base in New Mexico. I didn't know this; learning it was pretty cool.

[3.51] at end of mission 2.

Mission 3
Briefing: the contact wants me to break into the laboratory and stop the evil experiments.

[-0.01] Typo: "Is time to investigate" -> "It's time to investigate"

[-0.01] Typo: weir -> weird

[-0.01] Typo: "use them as test subject" -> "use them as test subjects"

[-0.01] Typo: "this sound like a horrible sci-fi plot" -> "this sounds like a horrible sci-fi plot"

[-0.01] Typo: "but is all real" -> "but it's all real"

[-0.01] Phrasing: "There's only a way to find out" -> "There's only one way to find out" (more normal way to say this) in the mission entry popup.

Mission objectives have an interesting list of things to do; 10 Civilians to save and 10 experimentation tables to destroy sounds like a lot though.



I run into some Scientists holding people hostage; they appear to be re-named Possessed Scientists, in a custom faction. They look pretty good for this purpose, but they still have their default CoT description.

[-0.01] Missing text: scientists could use a description other than the default CoT text.

I find some Experimentation Tables and destroy them. One of their guards says:

[NPC] Petro Scientist: Your not suppose to be in here!

[-0.01] Typo: "Your not suppose to be in here" -> "You're not supposed to be in here"

Deep in the lab I find Dr. Aeon, who spawns as an EB for me, with a group full of Dr. Aeon Clone EBs.

[-0.1] Missing text: the main Dr. Aeon has the default generic EB text, needs a real description.


Now serving: number 3

First try at this boss, I narrowly lose to the 3 EBs, leaving the main one at a sliver of life.

Second try, I take down the main EB, then the two other ones beat me.

Third try, I defeat the two remaining EBs. One of them pops Elude or something similar and even with Focused Accuracy, I miss him a lot, but I eventually drop him.

This multi-EB encounter feels pretty hard, but considering it's labeled "Task Force" and "Ideal for Teams", maybe it is OK. You might consider making Dr. Aeon "only boss required"; though all the guys with him are Aeon Clones, so defeating them all might make sense too.

Found a computer mainframe labeled "Research Data" which gave me the "Experimentation Data" clue.

[-0.01] Phrasing: "Not only did Dr. Aeon and his staff were experimenting with humans subjects, but also are collaborating with alien beans" -> "Not only were Dr. Aeon and his staff experimenting with human subjects, but they were also collaborating with alien beings" (in "Experimentation Data")

[-0.01] Phrasing: "This alien beans, classified as Zeta Reticulans, are apparently working on a biological weapon know as 'Theta'" -> "These alien beings, classified as Zeta Reticulans, are apparently working on a biological weapon known as 'Theta'"

I end up having to search for the 10th hostage, but freeing him finishes the mission.

[-0.01] Repeated text: all 10 hostages have the same dialog, as do all 10 destroyable objects. Would be nice to have some variation, particularly because there are so many of each. Perhaps some of the hostages could mention having seen aliens, or some of the scientists guarding them or the experiments could mention them?

Debriefing:

[-0.01] Typo: "Go figures" -> "It figures"
[-0.01] Typo: "a twisted mind like him" -> "a twisted mind like his"
[-0.01] Typo: "What did you found" -> "What did you find"


[3.27] at end of mission 3

Mission 4
Briefing:

[-0.01] Typo: "this aliens" -> "these aliens"
[-0.01] Phrasing: "a formula that keep them alive, their food, and for use in the stasis tubes" ... not sure what you mean to say here but it doesn't quite scan. It sounds like this formula is medicine, food, AND a component of the stasis tubes, all at the same time, which seems a little hard to believe.

[-0.1] Don't understand: Why would Dr. Aeon and his scientists help the aliens with a project to reduce the human population? It seems like Aeon & scientists would be included in the population thatgets reduced?

Send off message:

[-0.01] Typo: "in there floor" -> "in their base"

[-0.01] Phrasing: "Make sure that Theta weapon never leave the base and find me some data on there computer" -> "Make sure the Theta weapon never leaves the base, and try to get some data from their computers"

[-0.01] Phrasing: "Also, while you there" -> "Also, while you are there"

[-0.01] Punctuation: "Foil Alien's Plan" should be "Foil Alien Plan" or "Foil Aliens' Plan" (in mission title)

Inside the mission, I find some Reticulans, who seem to be a mix of Rularuu wisps and Rikti drones and have dialog like the Rikti. I destroy a bunch of Stasis Tubes; I'm not quite clear on what nefarious thing Stasis Tubes are used for, but they seem important.

Finding an "Alien Computer", I get the "Alien Files" clue from it.

[-0.01] Phrasing: "It's seems that" -> "It seems that", "know as" -> "known as" (in Alien Files)

[-0.01] Don't understand: "These Serpents rightly consider themselves native Terrans" -- why are they rightly considered Terrans? (in Alien Files)

[-0.1] Writing: the revelation that the Zeta Reticulans are working for a race of Serpents feels very dry, it could stand to be written to be a little more immersive. Additionally, there should be other clues or foreshadowing that also support the idea that the Reticulans are a client race of these mysterious Serpents.

Deep inside the caves I find the "Theta", who appears to be a renamed Kraken giant monster guarded by two Rikti Heavy EBs.

[+0.1] Cool visual: really does look like an alien monster surrounded by giant robots.

[-0.01] Missing text: Heavy Assault Unit's description still uses the default Rikti text; should be rewritten for Zeta Reticulans.


Overconfidence: The real scrapper inherent power

I attacked the Theta and gave it a good try, but I just can't damage him faster than he heals. I don't think any of my characters can actually solo the Kraken GM, so at this point I'm afraid I can't complete the story arc.

[***] Can't complete: can't defeat Theta GM (required objective). Quite possibly this is doable on a team, but it isn't doable for me, so I have to stop here.

Overall

[+0.1] Good use of re-colored and re-named standard enemies in a way that supported the story's theme.

I liked the conspiracy theory and UFO angle of this arc, and thought it did a good job of keeping to those themes. The arc is definitely aimed at a large, task force level team; unfortunately, this prevents me from actually being able to complete it, so I felt I had to mark off score for that. There are also a lot of minor spelling/grammar/wording issues; I know the author isn't a native English speaker, so hopefully some of my notes will help with fixing those.

I was not sure what the fairest way to rate this arc would be. I could not complete it due to its difficulty, but, it is also clearly labeled as "task force" and "ideal for teams". But then, the author did ask me to review it, and I (usually) review while solo. After asking for some input in the MA Arc channel, I decided to leave this arc unrated. Hope that works for you.

--

My queue is currently:

FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143
@Gypsy Rose - In Pursuit of Liberty #344916 (re-review, assuming she plays an arc)
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 02 #11728
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 03 #174352
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 04 #269714
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 05 #304290
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 06 #304290

Since you seem to have a lot of room in your queue, I could use a review of my arc "Ignition of the Machine" #318983. It's an older arc but I haven't gotten much feedback on it since people don't seem to know it exists.

I thought I had put my arc, The Hero of Kings Row (#230187), on your queue earlier. I played--and gave extensive feedback on--Mistaken Identity (#349473) before you pulled it.

Thank you for agreeing to re-review my arc "In Pursuit of Liberty". I played your arc Talos Vice and posted my comments in your thread. I loved it!

I want to explain about my intent for this arc. I had several goals in mind when I created it:

The first, was to create a fun play experience by avoiding long walls of boring text, inserting some humor (or attempts at humor) throughout the arc and creating an arc that was very playable on easy settings.

The second was to create a small mystery that the player unravels as he or she plays. (This is why I did not have my contact spell out everything for you).

The third goal was to make the arc themed. This includes the red, white and blue coloring in the contact screens, the many people with Liberty in their names, the Followers and the fact that you the player are "pursuing" liberty on mutiple levels.

I have come to realize that I was very unfortunate in the choices I made for this arc. I was not aware that many players hate time travel. I was not aware of the great need many players have for arcs to be about them and how much "origin" stories are hated. Lastly, I was not aware of the need for any arcs that include "canon" characters to portray them in a way that perfectly matches the players perception of them. So my first arc, which I have poured my heart and soul into since June 2009 was "doomed" from the start.

I made many minor changes to the arc since you last reviewed it, but the most major change was to replace my contact Ms. Liberty with a custom Mendor, Helena Gail Wells. Her bio reads: "Mendor Helena Gail Wells is one of the newest Mendors of Ourobos. Like Mendor Lazurus, she has traveled through time so much that she has lost her sense of continuity and has been known to ramble."

I did this for several reasons, but it was your last review that ultimately caused me to do so. I really wanted Ms. Liberty to be the contact because of the arc's theme, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not make her true to many of my arc's players canon perception. Also, it was hard to refute your logic as to why given that Ms. Liberty was a relative, she did not do more.

Since my arc is about time travel, I decided a mendor made sense. I chose a custom mendor because I did not want to again fall into the trap of being unsuccessful in portraying an existing canon character. For now, I recolored an existing Mendor because I do not have space to make a new one. When we get space, I will replace her with a custom look as well.
I chose her name as a tribute to H. G. Wells. I wanted her to be a bit vague and I felt that making her a Mendor allowed that to make sense.

The other main change I made to the arc since you last played it, was that I attempted to convey that the arc is really meant to be about you the player, and what you do to help a hero achieve her destiny, as opposed to a traditional origin story.

There are a few minor things that you did not like in your earlier reviews that I did not change because other people had specifically commented that they liked them. These were my "attempts" at humor. For example, I kept "Hurry you don't have much time", when you were going back to the past. I also kept the swords in a coffin, both because I felt it matched the dark mood of the map and because some people commented that they enjoyed the interact bar text.

I carefully considered all the feedback that was given to me by you and the other board reviewers, and most of it is incorporated in the current version of this arc.
I hope that you like it better. I really appreciate your willingness to look at in again.

Thanks

I've just finished making some minor tweaks on my arc A Penny For Your Thoughts #348691, it'd be great to hear what you think about it.

I did manage to miss Circuit_Boy's request somehow. It looks like he asked right after "Taste for Evil" and before "Galactic Protectorate 01", so I inserted his name there. Sorry about that.

This makes my queue now:

FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Circuit_Boy - The Hero of Kings Row #230187.
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143
@Gypsy Rose - In Pursuit of Liberty #344916 (re-review)
The_Cheshire_Cat - Ignition of the Machine #318983
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 02 #11728
Tangler - A Penny For Your Thoughts #348691
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 03 #174352
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 04 #269714
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 05 #304290
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Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 06 #304290

Rightio, hope you don't mind if I chuck in my arc, The Alien Tyrant #357388. I'll get to work reviewing Teen Phalanx Forever!

I'll get this down while it is fresh in my head.

Gamerwise, I am a redsider. I just find villains to be more intriguing then heroes. But boy, you proved me wrong when I played through this arc.

The missions were brilliant. The layouts were really immersive, and you really made it feel like a canon story. The custom characters and groups were excellently done, assuming you have space though you could add one more minion to the Adventurers faction. I like how each villain had their own little plot i.e World of Clockwork. The dialogue was absolutely hilarious, I just laughed at the reactions to many situations the Teens were placed in. Finally, when it boiled down to the final mission and we found out who the mysterious archenemy was, I can't believe I never realised or questioned why Teen Citadel's name was 'Citadel XP'

Overall, a very enjoyable arc with little to no flaws that I could find. Made me feel like a kid watching those old superhero shows again. Five stars.