I'll try yours if you'll try mine

Thanks much, PW. I look forward to trying out some of your arcs!

I managed to get some feedback last night and one day prior which has helped me streamline and tweek the arc into what I can consider a finished product in time for the deadline, so if you should still decide to look at it later, it should be a better experience now.

Thanks again!

PW, thank you so much! That feedback is extraordinarily helpful, and (much like how you reviewed the arc) I wound up taking copious notes as I read along. I have plenty of ideas for how to improve Patriot Palace. I'm also glad to hear that you enjoyed the story, and once I've finalized it, I hope you'll give it another play - not for review, just to sit back and enjoy.

I would go point-for-point with you on things, but honestly I'd rather be editing, since reading the review got me pumped to get in there and work on stuff.

Breaking the Barrier (And Putting It Back Together) review
Arc ID: 347029
Keywords: Challenging, Complex Mechanics, Save the World
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 40-54
Warnings: custom powers

The premise appears to involve aliens possibly accidentally destroying the universe by misusing portal technology. Well, that sounds bad. With the "Challenging" keyword and both Malta and Rularuu on the enemy list, yet no EBs or AVs, I'm not quite sure what to play. I decide on a 50 MA/SR scrapper, heavily IO'd and with soft capped defense (though, Rularuu can often get through that). I'm on +0 x0 difficulty, no AVs. The contact is a custom character in black and red called "Iron Samurai".

Mission 1
Briefing: Nicely formatted with pleasing use of color. The content is a little confusing though; the contact acts like he knows me and suggests that I'm eager to fight something called "Nagans" (who apparently appeared in the prequel to this arc). The footnote helpfully points out the other arc's number, but considering this as a self-contained arc, I'm still rather confused as to who Iron Samurai is, and what Nagans are.

The first paragraph about the Nagans doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the briefing, which is about some random event that we hear about on the police radio. I'm afraid this feels like a rather weak "hook" for the adventure ... "Something's happening, let's go!"

The wording of the text "Suddenly both of your police scanners go off at once" made me think it was saying I had two police scanners. Perhaps reword to "Suddenly both your police scanner and Iron Samurai's go off at the same time" or something along those lines.

Send-off message seems a little short, but reinforces the idea that Iron Samurai supposedly worked with me before. Perhaps this is OK, though; the story has probably given me enough cues that I can assume we've worked together even though I didn't play the prequel.

Inside the mission: the popup message notes that the office is full of Rularuu, and implies they aren't supposed to be here.

I pretty quickly find Iron Samurai, who triggers "Find What Opened the Rift", "3 Captives to Free" and "Seal the Rift" as objectives, along with giving me the "Special Containment Protocols Engaged" clue. Regarding this clue, I'm not sure Rularuu are technically within Longbow jurisdiction; Longbow's focus is primarily Arachnos. It's the regular military that is occupying Firebase Zulu. (Admittedly nitpicky.)

In Iron Samurai's description, "liason" should be "liaison". It seems highly coincidental that an ally expert in Portal technology would happen to be present for this adventure, but comic books are like this, I guess.


Olivia and Iron Samurai battle Rularuu

After rescuing Julie (a hostage who gave me the "Lizard People" clue) I found "The Rift" which was a renamed Storm Elemental with a custom description; defeating it satisfied the "Seal the Rift" objective. I really like how Storm Elementals are re-usable as all sorts of bizarre looking things, wish we had more special effects-ish mobs like that.

Found & rescued Ron (another hostage with "They Came Out of Nowhere!" as a clue; seems to be a description of the Rift), and then Debra who is being held captive by some custom mobs belonging to the Nagan Hegemony, who I assume are lizard people (though they don't look all that lizardlike). She gives me "They Just Beamed In" as a clue. "They seemed a bit surprised themselves to suddenly be here, as if the teleportation was not planned" is rather awkwardly phrased.

I promptly ran into Field Tech Suziku, who was some kind of robots mastermind and said:

[NPC] Field Tech Suziku: This portal and teleportation stuff is still pretty new to us so who knew what would happen? I didn't know the machine would suddenly teleport us and rip a hole in spacetime. We're still in one piece, right? Stop looking at me like that!

Her first line (beginning with "This portal") is rather long and run-on. Field Scout Shikaku attacks me shortly thereafter (from quite some distance away - presumably she has +perception from her ninjitsu). She placates me; I think she's db/ninjitsu. She placates me so I can't hit her, then Iron Samurai kills her, causing her to say:

[NPC] Field Scout Shikaku: How embarrasing...

"embarrasing" should be "embarrassing".

I like the look of the Nagan Duelist, it's very sharp. She aggros me from across the room; the Nagans in general seem to have higher than normal perception.

Finally found An Unusual Device; clicking it completed the mission. It gives me "A Modified Portal Device" which suggests that it was "stolen during the Nagan raid on Portal Corp." Since I'm not aware of any Nagan raids on Portal Corp, this may need some supporting explanation. Or at least a "(as seen in arc #1234!)"

Debriefing: seems OK; could maybe use some more background explanation for those of us who aren't familiar with the Nagans. (Even if you have to phrase it as "As you know, the Nagans are..." exposition.)

Mission 2
Briefing: Another dimensional rift just happened to open up right after we closed the first. This seems awfully coincidental (plot issue?) but the contact expositions that the "dimensional fabric" has been "destabilized". He further suggests that we need to know "just what they were doing" and so I need to check it out.

The third (last) paragraph doesn't quite make sense to me ... it says Portal Corp sensed a "teleport" and "logged it at two locations at once" and then something about "We know just where they originated from". Can you maybe clarify what is being said here? Reading this, my best guess is that somehow we detected someone teleporting from one part of Paragon City to another, and the contact wants me to go to where they teleported from. But how is this connected to the dimensional rift, which presumably is from another dimension? And no doubt thousands of heroes get teleported around Paragon City every day (via recall friend, hospital teleporters, the teleport travel power, veteran teleports, Pocket D teleporters, Mission Teleporters etc.) .... how is Portal Corp able to single out this particular teleport as being important?

Send off message has the contact imply that this suspicious teleport involves the Nagans. But the dialog in mission 1 suggested it's all a screw-up by one, particular Nagan, Suziku. Why do I think there are more Nagans involved than that?

Mission title is now "Investigate the Nagan Lair". But the briefing is a lot more vague about the location I'm investigating (i.e. the origination point of a single teleport). May want to either make the briefing more specific ("It's a known Nagan hideout" or "Suziku gave up the location of the Nagan lair") or the mission title more vague ("Investigate Origin of Teleport").

Mission entry popup: hints at an underground tunnel from the building, nice way to foreshadow usage of the office-to-cave map.

The mission is full of these Nagan types, who have crazy perception (Nagan Assassin aggros me from much farther away than normal; maybe has ninjitsu perception powers).

I quickly run into some Nagans with some dialog; one yells an intruder alert and an ambush shows up to attack me. I run into more little guard station/ambush pairs as the mission progresses. I like this usage of optional objectives to make the mission seem more dynamic.


Nagans: color coded for your convenience

The Nagans seem to have a pretty wide variety of powers: rad, cold, energy, claws, dual blades, archery, trick arrow, robots, etc. They seem to do just about everything, and I'm not quite sure what their theme is meant to be, if any. Their costumes are nicely coordinated though, fitting their role as (I think) a Science or Technology type of enemy group. I like that they have a basic uniform with some color-coding for convenience.

In the caves under the office I find Head Engineer Takala, who has a good monologue about what happened with Suziku. She acts like she's run into me before, several times (perhaps in the prequel). In her background story, "simulatenously" should be "simultaneously".

Examining the objects in the room with Takala gives me the "Point of Origin" clue (I quite like the idea that the teleport severed a bunch of cables) and "We did what?" where Takala explains that they didn't mean to breach the Shadow Shard dimension, and they want to help fix it.

Debriefing: the contact seems suspicious at how cooperative Takala is. Hmmm.

Mission 3
Briefing: So we're now cooperating with the Nagans and Suziku is sharing notes with Portal Corps. My mission is to "find out what progress she has made." What could go wrong?

Send-off message: the contact expositions about some "modified dimensional stabilizers that Suziku came up with." Hmm, it sounds like he already knows what progress Suziku has made, then? Since he knows about this invention?

The mission title is "Talk to Suziku", but among my objectives is "Defeat Malta Commander". That's kind of a giveaway considering Malta haven't been mentioned yet; though the mission popup does mention "the sound of gunfire", I don't encounter any Malta until I get a little ways into the mission. (Nitpicky.)

I run into a friendly Longbow boss who has the line:

[NPC] Longbow Warden: You think you can just come into OUR base and take what you want?

...but there's no Malta anywhere around him, so it's not clear who he is meant to be talking to.

I eventually find the Malta commander, who has the fun line:

[NPC] Fenric Nega 5-7: Now listen here... miss. You will tell us everything that we want to know, or else we might decide to start the dissection without killing you first.

...though technically if she's still alive it would be a "vivisection". (nitpicky) Fenric does manage to spawn right next to Suziku, though; I wonder if this was just lucky placement or if he always spawns near her. (I suppose there could be some trickery involving a custom Malta Operatives just for guarding Suziku, but that seems like it could be error prone.)


Stupid Malta! Only *I* can beat up Suziku and interrogate her about her research!

Beating Fenric completes "Defeat Malta commander", so he IS a separate spawn. I like how Suziku's lines reveal her to be a relatively pop culture-aware Nagan, by saying:

[NPC] Operation Engineer: When were we ever in films?
[NPC] Field Tech Suziku: You're the Men in Black! I saw you in the movies!

....though the Malta saying his line first messes up the timing a little.

Looking at Suziku's biography, "her training a Roboticist" should be "her training as a Roboticist". A lot of Nagan and Malta dialog suddenly appears while I'm fighting Fenric and rescuing Suziku, making it sound like quite a lot of stuff has spawned behind me. And I now have to "Escort Suziku to Safety". I'm a little surprised that Suziku can't teleport out using some kind of gadget; since she was working on that sort of thing before.

Found a computer terminal which gave me the "Research Data" clue; I'm a little surprised this clue doesn't say anything about the actual content of the research data, just that Malta was trying to steal it. Consider adding a brief description of what the research is about. Perhaps it is meant to be what Suziku talks about in the "I Can Fix It!" clue, that I believe she gave me when I freed her.

According to the briefing, Suziku is supposed to be collaborating with some "eggheads" (presumably Portal Corp scientists) but none were evident in the mission. Consider adding some as optional hostages, for the sake of background color.

On my way out, I mostly find Longbow and Nagans (both of which were friendly) and basically no Malta, making my escape a lot easier than I expected. I heard a lot of Malta dialog, though, so maybe they were on the losing side of their battles, and had been killed off by the time I got to their spawn point. (This seems plausible; Longbow and custom AE characters are both tough for their level.)

Mission exit popup, "You made it out safely with Suziku!" is true, but also a statement of the obvious...it should maybe have more unique content.

Debriefing seems awfully short. The contact has been pretty talkative up to this point, so it actually strikes me as uncharacteristic of him to not comment on the sudden involvement of Malta.

Mission 4
Briefing: the contact tells me "the plan" to fix things, involving setting up some technobabble gadgets on "both sides" of the rift. I think I would've liked a little more of this info to have been shared by Suziku in her "I Can Fix It!" clue, foreshadowing this mission, rather than having Iron Samurai exposition it all; it seems more natural for Suziku to know this. Also, "excusions" should be "excursions".

Considering there were multiple rifts that were opening all over Paragon City (according to previous mission briefings), it seems inconsistent that you can place emitters on "both sides", since it's not just a single dimensional rift? (Possible logic flaw; or maybe I just don't understand what is being proposed here.)

Also, considering each rift to Paragon City has a bunch of Rularuu pour out of it, it stands to reason that the "other side" of the rift would have a lot of Rularuu sitting on it; sending an unarmed Suziku to "set up a team" seems like a possibly bad idea. Although, perhaps that is the crux of why I'm being sent to go help her.

Map selection: this totally should be a Shadow Shard map and not a cave, but I suppose Shadow Shard maps aren't available in AE. Thanks for not using the foggy Rularuu cave at least, though I guess it would sorta fit.

My only objective initially is to "Speak with the Longbow Leader"; but shouldn't I speak with Suziku, who I was told was here? I still think Longbow are out of their jurisdiction in the Shadow Shard. Also, "Speak with" seems an awfully passive ation considering the mission entry popup refers to "screams and gunfire", which a proper hero should probably do something about.

I pretty quickly find and rescue Warden Jansen, who satisfies "Speak with the Longbow Leader" and gives me the "We were overrun!" clue. Maybe Jansen should say something like "We were overrun!" in her dialog upon being rescued, to match this clue. I think it's a little odd that the name of the clue is dialog but the body of the clue is not (very nitpicky). Why would the Rularuu kill all the technicians except Suziku? (Perhaps dramatic reasons since Suziku is the only one with a name...)

Rescuing Jansen triggers an objective to "Find Suziku", though I kinda think this should've been one of my initial goals (since the contact told me that Suziku was here) rather than triggered off of rescuing Jansen. Either that or maybe the briefing could be reworded a little to make it more natural to rescue Jansen first.

Nearby I find Suziku guarded by some Squall Elementals. I rescue her and she joins as an ally, spawning some robots. She also gives me "The Startup Sequence" as a clue, and triggers a new objective of "4 Emitters to Activate". In this clue, "how to perform the startup checked on the emitters" doesn't scan. Maybe this should be "startup sequence" or "startup checklist" or something along those lines. I'd also suggest "make out some trace of a smile" should be "make out a trace of a smile".

Tons of Longbow allies are being guarded by Rularuu and join up with my little army as I free them. I kinda like rescuing them, though the number of allies following me is getting quite large.

By design or happy accident I find all 4 emitters in the far west room of the map. The thought crossed my mind that it might be a "4 keys to click simultaneously" objective like in the Shadow Shard TFs, but fortunately those are impossible to author in Mission Architect. I also thought maybe Suziku should activate the Emitters (since she makes a point of saying she intends to do so, and is only teaching me how in case she doesn't make it), but of course there's not a good way to do that.

Actually activating the 4 emitters has rather underwhelming results; I think it's supposed to be closing the dimensional rift, but there's no special effect whatsoever, no Rularuu rushing in trying to stop me. Just a regular glowy click, and after I click all 4, the mission ends. It does give me a "Stabilizer Array Online!" clue, at least.

Considering this mission is purportedly at a "weak spot" in the Shadow Shard dimension, and the rifts to Paragon City caused weird Rularuu stuff to show up in Paragon City, for the sake of symmetry I think maybe random mundane objects (and maybe even ordinary civilians) from Paragon City should appear in this mission -- "sucked through" the rift and into the Shadow Shard.

Mission exit popup: again states the obvious; "The array has been secured and activated" tells the player nothing new.

Debriefing: much too short. The contact has been monitoring the dimensional rift situation (along with Portal Corp), shouldn't he have some feedback on the results of our last mission?

Mission 5
Briefing: a little scene where they're activating stabilizers. Why are they called stabilizers here and emitters elsewhere? Seems inconsistent; may want to standardize which term you use, for clarity.

Also, why did they wait until now to activate the devices? Surely traveling to the Shadow Shard and activating emitters there was a lot harder than setting up and activating them here in Paragon City, and the rifts in Paragon City are a much more immediate danger; I would've expected them to set up emitters in Paragon City first, or at least at the same time as the ones in the Shadow Shard.

Something Goes Wrong, of course, and a final dimensional rift opens -- supposedly the result of "someone running a stabilizer of their own". Now why would another stabilizer end up interfering with the ones set up by Portal Corp? The briefing for this mission specifically states that multiple stabilizers were set up by Portal Corp; even saying "there's a lot of them". Why would one more set up at a remote location cause this kind of interference? This kind of interference from stabilizers was never suggested as a possibility before. We even set up 4 emitters in the same room in mission 4 without any negative impact. (This explanation feels a little contrived in order to further the plot.)

As I enter the mission, Suziku and Iron Samurai both immediately have two lines each, even though I'm still standing at the door and haven't seen them yet; I suspect they are both Ally objectives that either have no guards or immediately got freed by friendlies somehow.

Pretty quickly I find Suziku and Iron Samurai; I think Suziku was already free and as soon as I got near her she said:

[NPC] Field Tech Suziku: Maybe I can be a hero too!


Tired of being repeatedly kidnapped, Suziku goes postal. Maybe they will allow robotics scrappers in a future powerset proliferation.

...which was really cute, and then she launched a full frontal attack on the nearby Rularuu, which nearly got her killed (she's lucky I have Aid Other on my scrapper). This ended up freeing Iron Samurai nearly by accident; maybe his earlier two lines were the result of something friendly aggroing on his guards but not killing them.

As we move through the base looking for the portal device, I find a stray gun drone ... I guess there were Malta present at some point, but they were all killed except for this gun drone? Aha, before long I do find Fenric Nega Praetor 9-0, who is an Atlas robot. Actually, code names like "Fenric Nega Praetor 9-0" are only used by human Malta operatives; the robots are never given names like that in the PvE content. (Kind of nitpicky.)


Uhh...guys? Aren't you on my side now?

On the second floor I run across a Nagan vs Rularuu battle where both sides seem hostile to me. This seems wrong? The Nagans are my allies now, aren't they? Suziku doesn't seem to mind shooting them. I don't think it's a betrayal, maybe this battle isn't quite correctly set up. A little deeper in, I do find some friendly Nagans. None of them say anything though; maybe they should. What are the Nagans doing here, anyway? Even if they're here to help, how did they know to come? (Maybe Suziku told them? Not sure.)

Found another Nagan Powerfist that ran up and started hitting Suziku. That can't be right! I'm not sure what is going on, but I think this behavior must be unintentional. Storm Elementals begin appearing, and become common on the third floor; then a couple more friendly Nagans.

Deep in the mission (in the room ARCH-A normally is in) we find a Malfunctioning Portal Device. Destroying it ends the mission and gives me the "Success!" clue.

I don't think it was ever explained what the Malta were up to here?

Debriefing: I like the debriefing, it gives a good summary of what happens after, both what happens with the rifts and what happens to Suziku and the Nagans. I like the idea that the Nagans begin cooperating with humans, and Suziku continues working with the scientists. "ethusiastic" should be "enthusiastic" in paragraph 3. A good ending.

Souvenir: "A Formal Letter of Apology" has some interesting writing in it, furthering the subplot of Nagans working with humans; but I think "Letter of Apology" strikes the wrong tone for what you want the player to "take away" with them. I'd suggest something like "Early Draft of Nagan/Earth Treaty" (perhaps written on a napkin by you and Suziku or something, before the diplomats made a more formal copy), as a reminder of how these events improved Nagan/Human relations.

Overall
I liked the idea that the events of the arc end up improving overall relations between the Nagan and Human races. I liked Suziku's characterization and growth into...a newbie hero, maybe? The quality of writing was overall good, and the dialog was pretty good.

Things I had problems with: most of the plot happens seemingly by chance, with little sense of cause and effect. Mission 1 you just happen to be there when the alert goes off. Mission 2 another rift just happens to open up and Portal Corp just happens to trace one particular teleport to someplace that happens to be a Nagan base. Mission 3 you go and talk with Suziku and it just happens that the Malta attack at the same time. (Mission 4 has good motivation due to Suziku's research.) Mission 5 the Malta are coincidentally running their faulty device at the exact same time as Portal Corps tries to shut down the rifts. I think some amount of chance and coincidence is probably acceptable, but this was too much, in my opinion; I felt like the plot had me mostly reacting to random events. I think it could be greatly improved by increasing the amount of cause-and-effect between the various missions.

The science (or pseudo-science) for the dimensional rifts and how they open and how they close did not seem internally consistent. It didn't make sense to me that I could set up 4 emitters in close proximity with no problems in mission 4, but then a single emitter in mission 5 generates enough interference to mess up all the other devices. As a result, it felt like the techno-babble was being shaped to fit the needs of the plot, rather than the plot remaining true to how the technology should work. I'd recommend deciding exactly how you want the dimensional rifts work, then trying to make everything consistent with that idea.

I never really "got" why the Malta were involved in the story. In mission 3 they try to kidnap and/or interrogate Suziku while they steal her research, then in mission 5 they are setting up a portal of their own for some reason. But I never saw any clue as to why they were doing this; I don't believe portal technology or inter-dimensional aliens are normally an area of interest for the Malta Group, and the arc doesn't provide any clues (that I noticed, anyway) as to what their motivations are here. I know the Malta are a secretive organization, but I do think the player should get some hint of why the Malta are doing these things.

The final mission didn't have enough impact, IMHO; I fought a lot of Rularuu and Storm Elementals, and an occasional Malta or Nagan, but they didn't say or do a lot (though it looked like there were a lot of battles that ended before I got to them), and destroying the device to finish the mission and the story arc did not seem a very dramatic ending. The Nagans that kept attacking were a bit distracting, since I think they were supposed to be friendly. I actually think mission 4 was stronger than mission 5; it left me with more of a sense of accomplishment at the end. You might consider reworking the story so that mission 4 is the "finale", or else adding more elements to mission 5 to make it a more dramatic finish.

Also, whatever happened to Shikaku? Shikaku and Suziku both appeared in mission 1, and Suziku went on to have recurring appearances and character development, while Shikaku doesn't seem to ever get mentioned again. Quite possibly you don't want to provide another ally, so maybe Shikaku's story should be wrapped up in a debriefing somewhere, or she could be cut from the story entirely.

Anyway, with all that in mind, I gave this arc 3 stars. I hope you think that's fair!


---

My queue is currently:

@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #227331 re-review
Supafunkadunka - CLAN DESTINY #349053
twelfth - Task Force Mutternacht #349522
Sister_Twelve - The Long Road Back #340454

I ended up writing a different story arc for Dr Aeon's Challenge at the very last minute. As a result, very few people have seen it so far, so any feedback on it would be welcome (and count towards QPQ for this thread):

The Destroyer of Worlds
Arc ID: 352820
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 15-25 (mostly)

In the closing days of WW2, the War Department asks mystery men to recover secret weapons stolen by the 5th Column from a captured U-boat, to be delivered to a top secret research facility.

----

Notes:
1. I set aside my previous attempt at the challenge, Mistaken Identity, because players didn't seem to believe it really presented a case of "doing evil for the greater good". Consequently, I tried to make this story arc present a much clearer case of "doing evil for the greater good".
2. I generally don't like the idea that a hero could reasonably "do evil for the greater good", as this is logically equivalent to "the ends justify the means", which is an unheroic precept. But I feel like the action depicted in the final mission of this arc is justifiable. I can't easily explain why. I guess I am not as absolute in my belief of right-and-wrong as I thought.
3. The first three missions are relatively straightforward, but the final mission is rather unconventional in structure. I'm not quite sure whether it will "work" for most players. It's admittedly not very good exp. My main focus for that mission was trying to present a special effect.
4. This whole story arc fits in 33.21% of the allowed story arc space. So there.

I have posted a review of "The Destroyer of Worlds" to my thread. I'm afraid it only got three stars....

Hi PoliceWoman, I wanted to wait until I finished my latest arc before requesting a review in this thread, and now that I have...

I'd like to request reviews of my "Galactic Protectorate" Arcs

-----

Arc Name: The Galactic Protectorate - 01

Arc ID: 47143

Number of Missions: 3

Level Range: 40-54

*****

Arc Name: The Galactic Protectorate - 02

Arc ID: 11728

Number of Missions: 3

Level Range: 40-54

*****

Arc Name: The Galactic Protectorate - 03

Arc ID: 174352

Number of Missions: 3

Level Range: 40-54

*****

Arc Name: The Galactic Protectorate - 04

Arc ID: 269714

Number of Missions: 3

Level Range: 40-54

*****

Arc Name: The Galactic Protectoratae -05

Arc ID: 304290

Number of Missions: 3

Level Range: 40-54

*****

Arc Name: The Galactic Protectorate - 06

Arc ID: 355068

Number of Missions: 3

Level Range: 40-54

-----

Because the "Galactic Protectorate" follows a linear storyline, if you decide to review my arcs I'd suggest playing them in numerical order, otherwise you might get confused. I'd also suggest not trying to play them all at once; in fact, based on the previous feedback I've gotten it's probably best to play only one arc a day, and possibly playing some other arcs in between each of mine so as to "space" the story out and give you a "breather". Of course, it's up to you how you decide to play my arcs (if you decide to at all), so feel free to take or leave my suggestions

I'm not sure if this thread is still QPQ, but since you have six arcs listed in your signature as I'm typing this, I'd be glad to play though all of yours and give you some feedback before you review mine. In fact, I might do that anyway, considering how much everyone seems to enjoy your arcs

I played Talos Vice a long time ago, and The Destroyer of Worlds recently, and commented upon them in PMs. If you'd like to review one or two of my VEAT arcs, that would be great.

The Tangled Weave: 338575
A Taste For Evil: 349034
Fear And Loathing On Striga: 350522

Thanks in advance.

The Consequences of War re-review
Arc ID: 227331
Keywords: Challenging, Canon Related, Drama
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 40-54
Warnings: AVs, EBs, extreme EBs, extreme bosses, extreme lieutenants

The premise is re-living the story of a SG that fought against the Rikti invasion. I've played through this once before but I was asked to look at it again.

Last time the warnings scared me into playing a 50 scrapper with soft capped defense; to be different this time, I tried playing a 39 archery/dev blaster with minor IO slotting (mostly for +range DEF; at about 20% range defense standing around, no other significant bonuses). I figure this is substantially the same as a level 40, so will be a good test of the low end of the level scale.

I notice this arc is no longer labeled "Pt1", not sure if this is significant. The contact is a fiery energy being.

Mission 1
Briefing: I like how the captions for the briefing are in different font/color than the rest of the briefing, but the dark purple used for "Opening Gambit" has very poor contrast with the dark color of the dialog box. Consider using a brighter color.

The contact doesn't really introduce himself, but does say he speaks for the "SOLUS Collective". I know what this is from playing this before, but someone trying this for the first time might not; may be worth explaining. It is mentioned in his "about" info though, so that might be enough. The contact wants me to find two of his team members that he sent on a mission in the sewers.

I get "The Rikti War" clue upon accepting the mission, which contains some nice background information about the situation so far.

Mission objectives: as soon as I enter I have "2 Heroes to Find, 5 Bombs to Destroy, Defeat Tro'Naht" as objectives. The contact did talk about the 2 heroes he sent, but didn't say anything about bombs or Tro'Naht, so I am not sure why I would know that I need to do those things. Perhaps the contact should mention the bombs, and/or "Defeat Tro'Naht" should be "Defeat Rikti leader".

I pretty quickly locate the first bomb, which gives me the "Bomb Placement" clue, suggesting the target of the bombs. I overhear some Rikti spouting unintelligible dialog using weird symbols.

I stealth around the mission a bit using cloaking device, though this isn't perfect stealth (I don't have superspeed or a stealth IO to stack with it) and the Rikti drones actually see through it, so I do have to fight some.

After exploring some, I realize the sewer map is a big loop, and after traversing the loop, I end up back at the sewer entrance. This requires me to backtrack in order to get deeper in the map. (Minor annoyance; not a big deal.)

Found and rescued Captain Superior. He says to the Rikti:

[NPC] Captain Superior: Surrender or I guarantee you will not survive the battle.

....but the Rikti are established as not speaking our language at this point, so I'm not sure whether it makes sense for him to talk to them. Captain Superior says he will "stage here"; I guess he is a non-moving ally or hostage. He also gives me Captain Sueprior's Debriefing as a clue. Note that this clue says Captain Superior will "go and brief Lazon", but his actual behavior (formerly to run away) has been change to staying in place. I suspect his behavior was changed and his clue was left the same; may need to change the clue to match.

In one of the deeper parts of the map, I find Rikti Chief Tro'Naht. He actually has some dialog in English (albeit using the Rikti syntax we normally see nowadays) and calls an ambush on me; I narrowly manage to defeat Tro'Naht and the ambush with some heavy inspiration use. He gives me "Tro'Naht's Translator" as a clue. Some heroes may have issues with "Tro'Naht's death" written into the clue, due to a code vs killing (even Rikti); may want to make this "Tro'Naht's defeat" and let the player decide for themselves what "defeat" means exactly.

The first sentence of Billy Bad Boy's info basically describes his costume, which is a little redundant because you can see him when you read his info. Rescuing him completes the mission for me.

I ran back to Captain Superior (inside the mission) after rescuing Billy, curious to see if he would say anything; he didn't, though. Maybe Captain Superior should have some dialog when you leave him and/or when you return to him; something like "All clear here" would be fine, since he's sort-of guarding his spawn point against Rikti. Though it's kind of odd that Captain Superior would want to split up? He's supposed to be very smart, so he needs some reason for this. He does say he thinks Billy and I will be enough to clear the mission, but not sure this is reasonable considering Billy and Captain Superior weren't able to.

Mission exit popup: "the bombs and the jamming problem have pretty much delayed any thoughts of celebration" ... but I destroyed the bombs? Shouldn't they, at least, no longer be a concern?

Debriefing: "Our motion detectors read all clear" -- wouldn't this only be true if we defeated all the Rikti? Perhaps rephrase this slightly. The contact also apologizes for Captain Superior being excessively "prim and proper" and "sounding like a language professor", but I didn't get that impression from the three lines Captain Superior uttered in my presence; none sounded especially courteous or pedantic. For example, he says (when encountering me):

[NPC] Captain Superior: Ah... Arrow Girl, I've read about you. It is good that Lazon is recruiting the best to help us out.

If he were truly hyper-proper about language usage, I don't think he would not say "Ah" (meaningless noise) or "I've" (contraction). Perhaps either adjust his dialog or adjust the debriefing, so that they match.

Also, why does the contact not comment on the translator that was found? This seems like it would be valuable intel!

Mission 2
Briefing: the contact wants me to follow up on a lead he has on the communications jamming problem, and meet up with a couple more SOLUS heroes. Then I'm supposed to use some kind of device to break into the Rikti computer systems.

Send-off message: "We may not understand their spoken language" ... this line seems inconsistent with the fact that we found a translator last mission.

Inside the mission, there's a pretty crazy number of false glowies that I have to wade through. Maybe consider having a few less.

I find Empathy in the caves beneath the office and free her. There's a lot of patrols roaming around and we fight through some. In Empathy's description, "to be hers and Eric's son" is awkwardly phrased; perhaps "to be her son" or "to be her family" would be better. She gives me the "Empathy's Debriefing" clue which explains "I'll be okay until he makes his way back", which makes it sound like she's staying behind, but actually, she starts following me, which is inconsistent with the clue. Empathy's AI is pretty good, she Fort's and CM's me and throws me an occasional heal.


Arrow Girl: So, Empathy...don't you think it's kind of lame to be named after one of your power sets?
Empathy: I don't think someone named Arrow Girl has any room to talk!

Shortly after I find the right Rikti computer and get the "Encrypted File" clue. It seems like this should complete the mission, which is "Hack the Rikti Computer System", but I still have "Find the Other Hero" as an objective, so the mission continues even though the computer system has been hacked. The "Encrypted File" clue has a lot of text in it, but doesn't say anything about what is actually in the file; instead it talks about how hard it was to actually get the file. I think I'd like to have a little more info on what was actually found.

Searching around a bit more I eventually find Energy Blastion in the Rikti area attached to the caves. He is described as having "Playgirl good looks"...hmm, is this what you really want to say? I don't think being a Playgirl model has the same connotations as being a Playboy model. Saving Energy Blastion completes the mission.

This mission felt a bit on the generic side; meeting the two heroes seemed to be the highlight. Could maybe use some more content. Fighting Rikti and clicking false glowies wasn't enough, IMHO.

Debriefing: a little on the short side. The contact mentions the file needs to be translated. So it was encrypted AND in another language? I wonder how I even knew this was the right file? It could be a cookbook, for all I know.

Mission 3
Briefing: briefly mentions the file I found in mission 2, but then switches to talk about the translator found in mission 1 again. He wants me to go reinforce some Vanguard protecting Rebecca Brinell, then give her the translator. I'm glad that plot thread is picked up again, but the shuffling between the two plots is a little confusing. Wouldn't it have made more sense to run the translator to Brinell right after getting it?

Map choice: this lab seems awfully dirty, but maybe that is intentional.

Quite a lot of dialog fires off as I enter the mission, presumably from Rikti/Vanguard battles. The line:

[NPC] Vanguard Trooper: Several shellheads just got past us! Get back to Brinell! We've got this!

...is repeated 3 times; probably the intention was for these guys to say this line when I get near them, but it's actually going off long before I get into visual range.

Found a glowy labeled "Jammer Info Data File"....should perhaps be "Computer" or "Terminal". On the interaction bar, "Dowloading" should be "Downloading". Clicking it gives me the "Jammer Data File" with some good info in it.

I stealthed past some Rikti, but then some saw through my stealth and gave chase, so I ate a couple of Lucks and ran up to Rebecca Brinell, then dropped a Rain of Arrows on my own position, catching the Rikti chasing me as well as the ones guarding Rebecca, which ended the mission. For what it's worth, the model you are using for Rebecca Brinell doesn't really match her "real" appearance (see: http://wiki.cohtitan.com/wiki/Rebecca_Brinell ). (Nitpicky.) She gives me "Rebecca Brinell's Concerns" as a clue and the mission complete clue of "The Rikti Attack". In "Concerns", she mentions "battlesuit parts", would it make more sense for her to just call it "the Rikti translator"? I like the text in "The Rikti Attack", it gives a good sense that stuff is happening and needs immediate attention.

Debriefing: did Lazon actually say "Captain Superior and the other five SOLUS elite were away on other missions"? I don't remember that happening and don't see it in my clue journal. Also, I think "five" may be the wrong number after one hero got cut from the story.

Mission 4
Briefing: does a good job of conveying the chaos of the Rikti attack on the SOLUS base. The contact wants me to go evacuate the basement, where the "rookies" were sent.

Inside the mission, I'm greeted by a huge laundry list of objectives. "7 Rookies to Find" and "Find Any Injured Rookies" seem redundant; shouldn't this just be "8 Rookies to Find"? "Defeat Sub-Commander Dro'Vidt" is an objective of mine, but Dro'Vidt wasn't mentioned in the contact's briefing (in fact, Hro'Dath is mentioned instead).

Thinking about it, how would we know any of the names of Rikti officers, anyway? The arc has made a point of the fact that we don't understand the Rikti language yet. (Admittedly nitpicky.) Perhaps this objective should just be "Defeat Rikti leader".

Possibly you could aggregate "Find Commissioner G" and "Rescue the Maintenance Supervisor" into the "X Rookies to Find" objective too, making it "X Personnel to Find" or something. (Not strictly necessary, but would make the nav tool a little less busy. Keeping Commissioner G separate might be good, though, to remind the player that G is a named SOLUS member.)

I find some elevators and they take me upwards; considering this is depicting the "basement", this is a little counterintuitive. Not sure there is a map that starts at the top floor and has elevators going down, though.


Arrow Girl: NOOO! Not the younglings!

Found a body bag which counted as finding a Rookie and gave me "The Ultimate Sacrifice" as a clue. I like that some names are provided in this clue, to make it seem a bit more personal.

Found Prince Nigel IV and rescued him (satisfied the "Injured Rookie" objective...I guess this means all the other rookies must be body bags). In his description, "The fear in his eyes tells you fighting on is a ball you should carry" is a bit awkwardly phrased, I had to read it a couple times before I understood what this was trying to say; consider rephrasing it. Is he a recolored Cimeroran? His costume looks pretty good.

"Escort Prince Nigel IV to safety." should omit the trailing period (the nav tool currently puts a comma right after it). I walk him to the door and he gives me "Prince Nigel's Facade" as a clue.

I find more body bags; I notice each one is named "SOLUS Rookies' Bodies" ... they should perhaps be named "Body of a SOLUS Rookie" (singular) or even just "Body".

Found and rescued Commissioner G. His description says his real name is "Wayne Grayson", an obvious Batman reference; this would work in a Batman homage, but here, it's somewhat distracting from the grim Rikti War that this arc is trying to depict. I like "Commissioner G's Vow", the clue he gives. Perhaps it should appear in the Clue journal sequentially after "The Ultimate Sacrifice", though (since they both talk about the rookies being killed, but G's clue seems logically later). Also, this clue includes the text "Slamming a grenade round into place" for emphasis, but when loading a rifle-mounted grenade launcher, inserting the round isn't actually conducive to "slamming"; the dramatic noise made while loading the weapon would come when you snap the chamber shut. (Ludicrously nitpicky.) Also, Commissioner G is shown using a sniper rifle, but with 2 references to his use of grenades, maybe you should give him the military rifle (which has a grenade launcher).

Opening a door, G and I immediately run into Dro'Vidt, who promptly drops Commissioner G (who was only a lieutenant). I manage to survive and defeat Dro'Vidt by chugging Lucks like mad while laying down arrow fire.

The dialog from Dro'Vidt was a little odd, it went like this:

[NPC] Commissioner G: The old bod's not taking hits as well as it used to, Arrow Girl. Not sure how much longer I can hold out.
[NPC] Rikti Sub-Commander Dro'Vidt: Diversions: Good. Base: Destroying.
[NPC] Commissioner G: Damn! That one hurt bad. I have to stop the bleeding, Arrow Girl. Don't think I can keep up.
[NPC] Rikti Sub-Commander Dro'Vidt: Rikti: More. Come: Now.
[NPC] Rikti Sub-Commander Dro'Vidt: Diversions: Good. Base: Destroying.

Was Dro'Vidt's line about diversions intentionally repeated? Initially I thought it must be wrong to repeat a line of dialog, but after reading "Dro'Vidt's Taunt" (the clue from defeating him), I'm not as sure, as the Rikti does say it's a diversion. Also, I thought "Rikti: More" might herald an ambush, but I never saw one.

With this information from Dro'Vidt, it seems like it would be more logical to abandon the (already dead) rookies that I haven't found yet, and go help the survivors; but the mission structure doesn't allow for this. I still have 4 Rookies to find and a Maintenance Supervisor to rescue. Consider making some of the non-Dro'Vidt objectives optional (but still appear in the nav tool)? Then the mission could complete when you defeat Dro'Vidt.

I do find the Maintenance Supervisor and rescue him from the Rikti; I'm of two minds on whether he's a distraction or whether I really like him, as he has some nice lines and I like the idea of "civilians" pitching in here. Leaning towards liking him. I'm amused that he calls "Arrow Girl" a "straight arrow"; just coincidence, I know, but on-target for sure.

I search for the remaining Rookies; backtracking, I eventually find Translucent Girl, who I had missed on the first floor (her prone position and pure white costume made me not even see her as I ran past). Freeing her completed the mission.

I'm a little puzzled as to why Nigel and Translucent Girl are treated differently as objectives, with Nigel needing to be escorted out, and Translucent Girl being able to leave on her own. (The maintenance supervisor, too, for that matter.)

Debriefing: seems reasonable.

Mission 5
Briefing: describes Lazon as "Though it looks as if he may lose containment any second"; the fact that Lazon's energy is contained isn't mentioned before here, but is pretty important to the plot, so I think it should be foreshadowed in an earlier mission. Lazon's "about" text only says he learned to "maintain a human form", doesn't mention a containment field.

The writing here is pretty good though. I'm quite concerned about facing Hro'Dath (as an AV or EB) with my little blaster. This "I'm probably doomed" feeling is probably in keeping with the story, though.

Mission entry popup: "If it weren't really a war zone, you'd think it was a war zone" seems an awkward thing to say. Suggest you rephrase; perhaps something simple like "It's literally a war zone in here."

Map selection: seems to be the burning office building used by Hellions. This doesn't quite match the tech lab used in mission 4, which was supposed to be the lower floors of the same building. The pentagrams with candles are particularly out-of-place for a hero base. Consider using the burning tech lab map instead?

Objectives: "2 Defeat Hro'Dath's Field Captains" should probably be something like "2 Rikti Captains to Defeat".

Found a boss named "Field Captains" - should probably be "Field Captain" (singular). I notice I don't get credit for defeating the Field Captain until I defeat his entire spawn; for playability reasons, you may want to make them "only boss required", considering Rikti could teleport away, drones could fly up to the ceiling, etc.

Found a glowy named "SOLUS Collective Members' Bodies" - should probably be "SOLUS Collective Member's Body" (singular) or just "Body".

Found and rescued Commissioner G; "2 Heroes to find" is now "Find Lazon". If you rescue Lazon first, will it say "Find Commissioner G" or still say "Find Lazon"? (I've usually seen the latter, though possibly it might've been fixed at some point.)

Found and rescued Lazon, who meets his destiny as he overloads and explodes. I like the "Lazon's Ultimate Sacrifice" clue.


Arrow Girl: Darn it, Lazon, you should know better than to keep "Self Destruct" on your main hotkey bank!

I kind of wonder if you could give him a different "captured" animation, one of the energy field or rituals with special effects, to further dramatize his energy overload.

Spotted Hro'Dath in the final room. I spend some time setting up an elaborate network of trip mines in hopes of defeating him.


Arrow Girl: So this is the plan. We blow him the **** up.
Commissioner G: I approve of this plan.

This doesn't work as well as I hoped; he walks right over 8 trip mines (does drop him to about 50% life). Commissioner G leaps in the way to defend me, but gets torn apart. I backpedal wildly, slamming lucks; an ambush appears, too, just what I need!


Arrow Girl: OMG he walked right over the trip mines! Switch to Plan B!!
Commissioner G: Plan B?! What the **** is Plan B?!
Arrow Girl: Improvise!!

Hro'Dath drops me to like 1% life at one point but I eat some greens and more lucks and manage to eventually take him down. I end up having to defeat his whole spawn to get credit for defeating him (consider making him "boss only") but doing so completes the mission.

Nice "mission end" clue with Lazon handing over the SG to Captain Superior (maybe use his actual name "Captain Superior" in place of one of the "Cap" references, in case the player hasn't figured that out yet) and a "to be continued in part 2" footnote.

Overall
I still like how this arc portrays the brutality of the Rikti War, especially the last two missions, which are quite compelling with the panic and confusion and the close quarters fighting.

I still think the first three missions are somewhat generic Rikti missions by comparison. I'd suggest editing to get to the "good part" sooner. I know you need at least one mission to introduce the story arc's set up, and to establish a "diversion" that lures away SOLUS's heavy hitters; I'm not sure you need three missions to do this. Alternatively, if you could make the first three missions as exciting as the last two, that would work, too.

I would've liked more closure at the end of part 1. The Rikti translator plot thread really goes nowhere and gets left hanging (though I know it is settled in "part 2"). I still find it disappointing that Hro'Dath gets away at the end, in order to save him for "part 2". I would've liked to "win" this fight. For, you know, Translucent Girl.

I still like Lazon's final scenes, and I like that you added some names to the body bags that litter missions 4 and 5, giving them more emotional impact.

Anyway, I'm still on 4 stars for this arc overall. The improvements I'd most suggest would be to edit the earlier missions to either get the player to the SOLUS base faster, or else to increase their intensity to match that of the final missions; and to make the arc a little more self-contained instead of leaving stuff to be tidied up by the sequel.

--

My queue is currently:

Supafunkadunka - CLAN DESTINY #349053
twelfth - Task Force Mutternacht #349522
Sister_Twelve - The Long Road Back #340454
StratoNexus - The Better Part of Valor #349298 (requested in PM)
TigerKnight - Real Afterlife #354483 (requested in PM)
FredrikSvanberg - The Tangled Weave #338575
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034


Mirror Man - I'm afraid I am still reviewing on a QPQ basis, to avoid getting too flooded with requests. Happy to add your arcs in order as you play through mine. Hope you think that's fair.

The Hidden Agenda
My global is @Master Koga

Arc ID: 356334
Keywords: Ideal for Teams, Save the World, Sci-Fi
Length: Very Long (5 missions)
First Published: 12/21/2009 09:23 PM
Morality: Heroic
Enemy Groups: Custom Group
Description: Find out what the shadow government is doing at the Dulce underground base and shut it down permanently.
Level Range: 45+

Notes: I made this StoryArc like a Task Force. So is for an 8 men team. It has extreme EB/AV. Hope you enjoy it. Oh, and if you find any grammar errors please let me know. English is not my first language. Thanks.

Ok, I played your Celebrity Kidnapping Arc and left you some comments.

Housecleaning!

I've unpublished Mistaken Identity; it has some fundamental flaws that I can't see any way to address, and I'd like to reclaim the arc slot so I can write something else. Thanks much for the feedback, all!

I'm seriously considering unpublishing Papers and Paychecks also; while I kinda like it, it doesn't really knock my socks off at this point. It's okay, but I wonder if I can do better; and although I like the basic premise, I don't re-play this arc much, unlike some of my other arcs which I enjoy playing over and over. So not sure I have a good reason to keep it around.


I also heavily revised the original post of this thread, as it was really obsolete (I wrote it in April, after all). I updated the ground rules (wow, I can't believe I originally thought I could do 2 reviews per day), the list of my likes/dislikes, and the list of my "active" story arcs. The motivation for this was, it seemed like more than one new poster was focused on playing/reviewing one of the two arcs I had in my original post (i.e., the first two I published), but I think my newer story arcs probably could benefit more from feedback.

Also I wanted to add a few lines of explanation regarding expectations from story arc reviews, which I'll re-iterate here for emphasis:

That's too bad about "Mistaken Identity". I think it was a workable concept; I may try my hand at it myself eventually, though not in the next two weeks.

I'll throw mine onto the queue: "The Hero of Kings Row" #230187.

No problem PoliceWoman; I really was planning on playing through your arcs, anyway

In fact, I decided to dust off my old review thread, and that's where I posted my review of "The Flower Knight Task Force"

Hope you think I gave it a fair review I'll try and get to the rest of your arcs whenever I get the chance.

Policewoman,

Thanks for the re-review. You make some valid points, and a couple of good catches that'll help me fine tune once I can figure out how to get past my 99.96% memory used problem. That said, half of what you commented on was exactly the way it was the first time you ran the arc and you didn't mention it then. Either you were being generous the first time, youve become even more critical since then, or a second play through provides new perspective.

A couple of quick notes and I'll be off. First, you comment about mission 1's objectives not being mentioned by Lazon, however he does state, "...you should deal with anything dangerous and make sure no ranking Rikti are left standing to report in..." It may not be exact, but I think that the dialogue gets the message across without becoming stilted.

Regarding Captain Superior talking to the Rikti without a translator... With all due respect, my father-in-law is a Vietnam War veteran. During hand-to-hand combat, he would yell at them in English without a care if they understood. It's pretty common, in most conflicts that involve different languages, actually.

And, speaking of war, while I understand your point about letting the player decide if an enemy is dead or just unconscious, this is a war scenario -- arguably the most accurate one written in CoH in terms of reality -- to try and skirt the death issue flies in the face of what I'm doing.

Re. the translator, I tend to think that it's laid out fairly well that the tech recovered from the battle sit is some ind of translator and they're trying to figure it out. When Lazon mentions that "we may not understand their spoke language," it's because they don't, and still have no translator to do so.

Is five false glowy computers really, too many? The entire premise is that the hacking device needs to work through the Rikti firewalls a little at a time until it can succeed. Five is nothing, really, and really pretty realistic.

As for the contents of the file, the dialogue and text establishes that it needs to be translated and, in fact, is translated between missions -- leading to the next mission.

I could go on, but you and I are the only ones that'll even read this, and you have better things to do. Suffice it to say that, though you admit to nit-pickidom several times, several of your other crits seem equally micro-critical. I kind of feel like I'm being beaten with a nit-picking bat. Regardless, and as I said, once I can manipulate the memory a bit, you did give me a few things to fix and it's greatly approcieated.

Nitpickiness aside, I did get some good direction, which is the name of the game. I did have a couple questions you might help me with, though...

1 - What is this burning tech map you mention? I can't find it.

2 - Same goes for Brinell. Not only can't I find the Brinell character itself, but I can't find anything close. Any directions would be great.

I do plan on ramping up the action in the first two missions, just as I plan on making a major change to one of the missions in the 2nd arc, but it'll probably have to wait until Going Rogue comes out and we get that memory adjustment.

Anyway, thanks again.

Clan Destiny review
Arc ID: 349053
Keywords: Custom Characters
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 30-54
Warnings: EBs

The premise is to stop some sort of catastrophe that has been prophesied by someone mysterious. The description is actually pretty vague on details; you might consider adding some more info about the story arc and its setting. Right now, I don't think the description has enough detail to actually hook a player into wanting to try it (aside from the "Dr. Aeon's Challenge", which does seem to draw people).

I played a 43 katana/willpower scrapper using SO enhancements on +0 x0 difficulty. The contact is a bearded custom character in an old-fashioned looking suit.

Mission 1
Briefing: the contact basically says almost nothing about his organization and what he wants you to do, but asks me for help anyway.

Mission accept message: while the default "Accept" is OK, replacing this text with a line of dialog that you think the player would say in response generally makes it seem more interesting.

Send-off message: once I accept his mission, he's a little more forthcoming about his organization, something called "Clan Destiny", who use precognition to predict the future...then try to change it. This is somewhat paradoxical, but going to let that go for the sake of the story. "forseen" should be "foreseen" here.

Initially he wants me to get some Rikti parts, including some that have been grafted onto a Freakshow boss. "McGrimm" is an odd name for a Freakshow boss, incidentally; they normally use l33t speak to name bosses.

Mission objectives: "3 crate of Rikti components to find." should be "crates" instead of "crate" and lose the period at the end (because a comma immediately follows it, separating it from the next objective).

Found a crate and clicked it, but it doesn't give me a clue or anything; my spam box does say "You've got the component!" and the number of crates to find decremented by one. But to make this objective a little more interesting, consider adding a clue, containing some flavor text for the collection.

McGrimm's dialog is rather worrisome:

[NPC] McGrimm: This new Rikti heart has put me in the mood to PARTY! I could take on the world!

So now I'm going to repossess his heart based on the contact's say-so? Seems a bit of a stretch.

I end up attacking McGrimm to continue the mission. For reasons that I'm still unclear on, a Devouring Earth ambush shows up when he is wounded. Defeating McGrimm completes the objective but doesn't give me any clues (did I really take his *heart* here?). Clicking the 3 crates completes the mission, but still no clues.


Time for some heart surgery.

(Much later I realize McGrimm was a custom character...he was quite well done, blended nicely with the other Freaks.)

Mission exit popup: Devouring Earth stole a component? But I completed all the objectives? When did this happen?

Debriefing: seems very short.

Mission 2
Briefing: The contact is also puzzled over why DE are involved in the story. I like that he admits that, as a psychic, he's not used to being surprised like this. He wants me to track the "components" (such a generic sounding MacGuffin ... needs a snazzier name, IMHO) but isn't sure how (psychic ability not helping here I guess). He suggests a scientist that has some kind of pseudoscience way to track "the power source you removed from McGrimm"; but is this really helpful? If I removed it from McGrimm, I should still have it, right? Or is the implication that the DE stole it right after I removed it from McGrimm (if this is what the story is getting at, it needs to be made clearer).

But then after all this explanation he has something else that he wants help with (but he won't say what it is...why would I volunteer to help without knowing what he wants?).

After I agree to help, at that point he mentions the scientist has been kidnapped by Rikti. Well of course I'll help with that! I thought he was going to ask me to bring him more people's hearts or something. Maybe he should explain Summerhill was captured by Rikti in the first part of the briefing, it makes it much easier for the player to agree to help.

Inside the mission, I quickly locate Dr. Summerhill and rescue her from the Rikti. I like her description. As I rescue her, she tells me:


[NPC] Dr. Delia Summerhill: Before we leave, we need to get the Rikti Generator Codes! Look for a computer terminal...

This is fine, but I'd suggest also putting this info in a clue that is received for rescuing her, in case some team members weren't close enough to see her dialog.

Finding the computer and stealing the codes gives me the "Rikti Generator Codes" clue. Curiously, this clue has me wondering why Dr. Summerhill wanted them; actually, I think it's pretty reasonable to want to steal intel from the Rikti. So I'm not sure why I would question this.

As I get Summerhill out, she mentions something about an alliance, which the mission exit popup reinforces as being suspicious sounding to my character.

Debriefing: an interesting reveal as to what Clan Destiny's real goals are. "forsee" should be "foresee". I think it totally makes sense that there would be an organization interested in doing what the contact proposes here, but based on this info, it does not seem like a hero would continue helping them. In fact, more than likely I should turn them in as traitors.

Mission 3
Briefing: the contact admits that what they are doing is treason, and that he lied to me earlier and that he actually betrayed what I was doing to the DE who he acted surprised about in mission 1. Why should I continue working for him after finding all this out? Ahh, OK, he explains I should help him because if I don't, the DE will detonate a city busting bomb that will destroy Paragon City. So, it's blackmail. Also, "forseen" should be "foreseen".

Send-off message: the contact explains that I am to steal a crystal that they're going to use as a power source for the War Walls, which will be heavily protected by Longbow because it's vital that this crystal not fall in the wrong hands.

Going to go along with the story and see where it goes, though.

Interesting breakdown of the situation in the "Your Conscience" clue. It seems like the story expects me to either follow through with stealing this crystal, to prevent the DE from setting off the bomb, or else let the Longbow destroy the crystal. But actually, wouldn't it be more reasonable for me to arrest the contact right away, and interrogate him for the bomb's location? After all, he is right here and has admitted he knows where the bomb is.

Mission objectives: among my objectives is "Find the Destiny Illusionist", but I'm not sure why I need to do this (she was not mentioned in the briefing). When I do rescue her, she says:


[NPC] Destiny Illusionist: I've been sent to help you!
[NPC] Destiny Illusionist: Don't worry, I will keep your true appearance masked so they'll never know it was you.

....which is a nice touch that might make some players feel better about doing this criminal act. I guess Destiny Illusionist must do this sort of thing a lot!

When I get close to the crystal, the guards say:

[NPC] Longbow Spec-Ops: Security has been breached! Destroy the crystal!
[NPC] Longbow Spec-Ops: We have our orders - we can't let that crystal fall into the wrong hands!
[NPC] Alien Crystal: There they are - stop them!
[NPC] Longbow Spec-Ops: Who are these clowns?

The Alien Crystal has dialog? That seems weird.

I decide to let them destroy the crystal and see what happens. I figure it's the most heroic choice of the options I'm being given. The mission fails as a result.

Debriefing: The contact tells me the crystal was a fake and other agents stole the "real" crystal. Well, I guess I'm glad I didn't get blackmailed into stealing a fake crystal. But if this is the story, why did they need me to undertake mission 3 at all? OK, he says it was a "distraction", but wouldn't Destiny Illusionist have been able to do this distraction on her own? (After all, she created was able to cover me with an illusion - why even have me there? She could just do the illusion sans me.) Blackmailing me into helping seems a needless complication. (Perhaps this makes more sense on the "Success" branch of the story.)

Mission 4
Briefing: So now the contact wants to send me to stop the Devouring Earth bomb.

Mission title: the title is "Destroy the Rikti Bomb!" but according to the story so far, this bomb was constructed by the Devouring Earth (albeit with some Rikti components)? Seems inconsistent.

It's cool that the contact is trying to set up this timed mission to give him a chance to get away. Though after he gives me the address of the Rikti bomb, couldn't I arrest him up right then and there (since I'm right there with him) before going to disarm the bomb?


You do realize this bomb will probably blow YOU up, too, right?

I run into the office, find my way to the caves and destroy the bomb. This completes the mission and gives me the "Crude Map" clue. I'm not quite sure how I got this from the bomb (it doesn't have pockets?) but it seems to be a lead to another location of interest.

Debriefing: "forsaw" should be "foresaw". Pretty neat debriefing though. The "recording" of the contact tells me they plan to send false evidence to the police blaming everything on me.

Mission 5
Briefing: So I'm following the crude map to where I think Clan Destiny is hiding out. It seems rather far-fetched that Clan Destiny would mark their secret hideout on the map they gave to the Devouring Earth, but I guess we'll see what happens.

Mission title: this 3-part mission title "Destroy the device, find the evidence, defeat the Clan leader!" seems more like a laundry list of objectives. I'd suggest simplifying it into a single phrase, like "Stop Clan Destiny", then let the objectives list what needs to be done.

Mission objectives: "Find the evidence!" and "Defeat Amun!" should probably not have a trailing "!" as there is a comma right after them, making the punctuation look weird. Also, how do we know that we need to Defeat Amun? Presumably he's the Clan Destiny leader, but his name has only appeared as "A-M-U-N" on the map and no one has told me it's the leader. Should maybe be "Defeat Clan Leader?"

The mission is full of custom characters, members of Clan Destiny. They aren't bad looking custom characters. The Initiates use web grenade a lot, which is kind of annoying; I bet it would be really annoying on a large team.

I found a wall safe named "evidence2"; this should perhaps be called "Safe". Clicking it doesn't seem to do anything; though my spam box has a message saying that there's nothing in there.

Found and fought Amun, who spawned as a grav control custom boss; he summons a Singularity and starts using grav control powers on me, but I manage to beat him up.


I've got your destiny right here, buddy.

Probably a rough fight for a squishy, but fine for the end of an arc IMHO. His background info reveals he's not the boss, but instead, he's a lackey of Solomon (who has escaped already, it seems). I had actually thought Amun might be Solomon himself (since their names sound alike). It looks like Amun should really have more story info about him, being apparently an immortal Egyptian warrior serving Clan Destiny.

Finally found a wall safe named "evidence" (should also be called "Safe" or maybe "Safe ") that counted as "Find the evidence!" Would be nice to award a clue explaining what was actually found.

OK, found the device and it's a "Rikti Disabler Device", the thing Clan Destiny wanted to use to blackmail the Rikti. I don't understand why my objective is to "Destroy the Clan's device". This seems like something I'd want to keep to help in the Rikti war. Examining the device, it does say "You'd never get it out of here before Clan Destiny would" .... but this doesn't quite make sense; I've been beating up Clan Destiny goons so far, including Amun (presumably the best they had to offer). Why couldn't I simply stay here and guard the device until reinforcements arrive?

The mission structure requires me to destroy it in order to complete the mission, though, so I go ahead and do so.

Debriefing: pretty well-written. Although I'm not thrilled about Solomon being scripted to get away, the frustration in his recorded message is nicely portrayed, as is his evil monologue.

Souvenir: not bad, but not super-exciting either. I might suggest including a recap of the story, and maybe picking a more meaningful souvenir - perhaps the crude map, or Solomon's threatening recording.

Overall
The writing style in the briefings and debriefings was pretty good. The premise of Clan Destiny and their opinion of how to handle the Rikti is neat, and the custom characters looks pretty good (we didn't see much of them until the end, but I think that actually works pretty well).

I found several things hard to believe, though. First was extracting McGrimm's heart in the first mission; this seems like a very dark thing for a hero to do, but was handled very casually, which rang false to me. (Maybe make the Rikti component attached to some less vital a part of McGrimm's body; or else add some more writing that directly addresses the fact that the hero is basically killing this guy to get the item.) (Possibly it was your intention that McGrimm can survive without this Rikti component; after all, he was fine before he attached it to his heart. If this is the case, that needs to be made more clear.)

I didn't quite get how the Devouring Earth managed to steal a component during that mission, either, when according to the mission objectives, I recovered them all. (I think that could be made believable, it just needs to be made clearer how it happens.)

After Solomon's real colors are revealed, I don't see why the player couldn't just arrest him then and there. Yes, he claims there is a bomb that will go off if we don't do what he says; why couldn't I beat him up until he gives up where the bomb is located? Or if I don't want to risk it then, why not arrest him after he reveals the bomb location at the start of mission 4? Needs further explanation, I think. I don't think what is currently presented is enough to force the player to take the actions that the story depicts.

I don't think it made sense to destroy the Rikti Disabler Device at the end, either; that seems like something a hero would really want to capture and turn over to Vanguard. I didn't buy the explanation that I can't let it fall in Clan Destiny's hands; I mean, they started with it, plus I'm clearly shutting down their operation in mission 5, so they shouldn't be able to stop me from keeping the device.

I was miffed that Solomon is scripted to escape at the very end, but this is mitigated somewhat by the good final debriefing and the fact that we basically ruin Clan Destiny's plans in the final mission.

Also I don't quite get why the Rikti kidnapped Summerhill in mission 2, if they have an "alliance". Wouldn't Clan Destiny ordering me to break Summerhill out of the Rikti base in mission 2 (presumably over the bodies of many Rikti) mess up their alliance plans?

I would've generally liked a few more clues attached to the various actions that occur during the missions; especially the plot-relevant actions, which I thought could use some more info attached to them.

I like the writing style and the basic idea of Clan Destiny, but my major problem is that I don't think a hero would believably go along with several of the things that occur here. With all that in mind, I gave the story 3 stars. I hope you think that's fair.

--

My queue is currently:

twelfth - Task Force Mutternacht #349522
Sister_Twelve - The Long Road Back #340454
StratoNexus - The Better Part of Valor #349298
TigerKnight - Real Afterlife #354483
FredrikSvanberg - The Tangled Weave #338575
Venture - The Christmas We Get #356477
Tenzen - The Hidden Agenda #356334
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143

Thanks for the review!

A fair grade and some excellent points. Some of the things you mentioned I think perhaps there was some confusion or misunderstanding on, but instead of listing them I will take that as a nudge to maybe make it more clear. If you missed it while doing a review, then someone not taking that level of interest certainly would.

Looking forward to fixing this one up!

Task Force Mutternacht review
Arc ID: 349522
Keywords: Challenging, Non-Canon, Drama
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 30-40 (mostly)
Warnings: AVs, custom power selections

The premise is to help Indigo gather some sort of evidence. I played a 39 archery/dev blaster on +0 x0 difficulty.

Mission 1
Briefing: very nice introduction text. The contact wants my help against the Malta.

Send-off message: "Ordinance" should be "Ordnance" (not the same thing at all). I like the descriptive text that brackets the contact's dialog, nicely evocative.

Inside the mission: I almost immediately find Mr. Inquiry, a hero being held captive by the Malta. He doesn't seem to be on my objective list but he looks interesting, so I rescue him. Freeing him actually does satisfy one of the objectives. He has some cool Ditko-esque objectivist dialog.

[NPC] Mr. Inquiry: Unthinking automatons, blindly trusting in your orders. Trust only in truth, as I do.

"automatons" should probably be "automata" here. He also says something about "making an exception for Kyle" ... not sure who that is. Possibly foreshadowing. I like his line for when he gets injured too. He's surprisingly helpful against the Malta, especially when one of them hits me with one of those 60 second stun grenades. I'm a bit worried for his life expectancy, though; this type of character usually gets betrayed by less idealistic characters in this kind of story. I like the double meaning with the "Inquiry and Discovery" mission caption, also.

A little deeper in I discover Officer Kyle, who is in the process of selling heroes out to the Malta. One of the Malta says:

[NPC] Tactical Operative: I shoulda had my head examined for listening to you, lunatic. You've lead Arrow Girl to our base!

"lead" should be "led" here.

I have an objective to take the Longbow Informant into custody, so I think I'm supposed to walk him out, but he instantly betrays and Inquiry and I have to take him down. He has some really fun crazy-conspiracy-dialog as he goes down.


Okay, let's all back away from the crazy person...and fill him full of arrows

[NPC] Officer Kyle: See? You can't help but cave into your base need for destruction.

"into" should be "in to" here.

Gathering the 6 Crates is rather dull compared to encountering Mr. Inquiry and Officer Kyle. None of them have any clues attached; clicking the 6th completes the mission though. Consider reducing the number of crates? Not sure it adds much to the gameplay to have 6 glowies instead of 3 or 4.

Mission exit popup: "Longbow agents take him from you into custody" sounds awkward; I suggest simplifying to "Longbow agents take him into custody".

Running from a snowball-wielding player made me miss the debriefing - the little bit that I saw before the window closed looked nice though.

Mission 2
Briefing: "unconscienible" should be "unconscionable". The contact basically warns that she'll be asking me to do some really dirty work. I like that the dialog portrays me as a little uneasy with this.

Send-off message: She reveals she wants me to raid a police evidence storehouse, and that I can bribe someone to get in. Sounds interesting.

At the start of the mission I get the "Plausible Deniability" clue, which is really pretty neat: a cover identity and a false costume. Not exactly heroic but perfect for the sort of thing Indigo does. I like the symbolism of the "Dystheist" codename. So basically I'm now a villain -- err, undercover, posing as a villain. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Not quite sure how this would work for a team doing this (since this is a "Task Force").

Inside the mission: a bunch of dialog from the Warehouse Manager immediately fires off, even though I'm nowhere near him. Presumably some rogue enemies attacked his group or something. His dialog is pretty funny though.

"Rescuing" the Warehouse Manager gives me the "What Your Money Buys" clue, presumably the result of bribing him. I like the message that appears in my spam message box,

Passing a thick wad of bills into the warehouse manager's greasy hands does the job just fine

I make friends with a Freakshow boss that I rescue from a cop, and he offers to help me out. Having him fight cops makes sense, but it's kind of weird that he also fights the other Freaks that are here, though. A bit later I notice the "Rumbleneck. I mean, Rum613n3ck" clue which helps explain why he's willing to fight Freaks; still struck me as a little odd though.

There's a massive number of false glowies to check, though this kinda makes sense based on this being an evidence warehouse.

After clearing out most of the map I finally find the real glowy, giving me the "Item WP-108606" clue. A bit disappointing that I can't get it open; what if I had superstrength or gravity control powers to crush it or something? Or, in my case, a can opener arrow, or something similar.

This triggers the "Defeat the Vil-- uh -- HERO and escape!" objective, which has a great name but I'm not sure why I need to do it - the clue from the safe didn't mention this hero, and this being technically a covert op (pay no attention to the Freak Tank following me around smashing things...), wouldn't it be better if I just snuck away?


Are YOU talking to ME? (twang!)

I find Blast Furnace and beat him up, but it doesn't satisfy "Defeat the Vil-- uh -- HERO". Searching around, I find a stray Longbow Flamethrower; killing her completes the mission. You might consider making Blast Furnace "only boss required".

Debriefing: nicely written, but doesn't refer to Item WP-108606 at all. Would've been nice to know what that was all about; or if that isn't possible, at least there should be some text saying that I left the item at a dead drop or something. Part of the debriefing is actually more like a briefing for the next mission.

Mission 3
Briefing: Wow, Indigo explains what was in the package. I didn't drop it off at all - apparently I'm taking it to the Rogue Isles! I actually really like the setup of this mission, and the swap of the evidence for another item of interest. It reminds me of a Le Carre novel. I wish I had played Spy Girl for this arc. But, Spy Girl actually is a villain (well ... "hero undercover as a villain") and consequently wouldn't have the same level of angst over...whatever awful thing I'm supposed to eventually do.

Send-off message: "Dysthetist" should be "Dystheist".

I find Phipps almost immediately. One of his guards says:

[NPC] Longbow Spec-Ops: We appreciare that you've come along so peacefully, Mr Phipps. Maybe this is just a clerical error.

"appreciare" should be "appreciate", "Mr Phipps" should be "Mr. Phipps". I really like Phipps's lines here, the alliteration is just too much. Having him whip out an assault rifle and go to town is quite fun too.

A random patrol says:

[NPC] Longbow Minigun: I dunno, that hero wouldn't tell us. Said we couldn't be trusted

...should have a period at the end.

Found and rescued Giga Watts, a villain ally, and we cleared to the end room where I opened the safe and got the microfilm, giving me "The Film Canister" clue. Blast Furnace spawns right on top of our heads, though, so we immediately have to fight him off (again, had to defeat a stray longbow after defeating the main hero to complete the objective). Westin Phipps's dialog in "The Film Canister" is really good, though it might not make sense if Phipps gets killed by something before I get to this objective.

Beating Blast Furnace gives me the "After the Battle" objective, which helps motivate the "Find the Strike Team's Leader" objective. "Furnance" should be "Furnace" in this clue.

Ah, yes. Of course the Strike Team leader is Mr. Inquiry. I love his dialog.


I wish I could deliver dialog like this.

I feel guilty for having to beat him up (I actually prefer his philosophy to Indigo's). He spawned as a mere lieutenant for me (though I'm on low difficulty) so was pretty easy.

In a perfect triple cross moment, after Inquiry goes down, Phipps turns against us too. He's a bit tougher (being a boss) but Giga Watts is still on my side and we beat him up. Inquiry was totally right when he called Phipps "a repugnant worm".


Don't tell me how to play my character.

After Phipps goes down I eye Giga Watts in case he gets any funny ideas. He wisely decides not to betray me.

Mission popup does a good job of explaining why I didn't actually arrest Phipps. I still got to beat him up, though, which is somewhat satisfying.

Debriefing: nicely written. I like how Indigo says Inquiry "fails to recognize the nuanced distinctions between good and evil"...heheh. I am a little surprised that my character is portrayed as burning the film without question. "Indigo wouldn't ask if it wasn't important" I guess is my justification.

Ahh, reviewing my clue journal I find "Weston's Film - First Glance" in my clue journal. "Weston" should be "Westin" or "Phipps" here. It gives me some tantalizingly vague clues as to what is actually on the film. Kinda wish the script let me get a better look, but the way it's portrayed kinda makes sense, I guess.

Mission 4
Briefing: Mr. Inquiry is getting too close to learning the truth and so now the contact wants me to frame him as a double agent. This seems pretty dirty. I like that the mission accept message and the mission title both recognize this.

Send-off message gives some justification for why Indigo thinks I should do this, but I'm still kind of on "no, this wouldn't be right". Oh well, into the mission!

I got the "Rendezvous Point - Brickstown" clue for starting the mission; the name for this clue doesn't seem very descriptive, consider renaming it. The text in this clue is nicely detailed, but I wonder if some of it shouldn't actually be part of the mission briefing? (For example the fact that you need to talk to Vitale.)

A patrol says:

[NPC] Longbow Rifleman: Another day, another council base to trash. I wish that hero would tell us why we're doing this.
[NPC] Longbow Minigun: You know he told Ms. Liberty that she's 'the product of a corrupt legacy?' To her face. He's crazy.

This dialog is great. "council" should be "Council" though (note capitalization).

While fighting some Longbow, a group of friendly Council comes to my aid .. that strikes me as odd? Perhaps they're flagged as friendly because I'm posing as a villain.

After exhaustive searching of the Council base, I find both mainframes and all 6 security servers, which triggers a Longbow ambush that I fight off. I still can't find Jackson though.

Finally I find Archon Vitale near the front of the mission. Not sure how I could've missed him there; could he have been a triggered objective? I've had "Verify Jackson's Location" as an objective since the mission began, though, so maybe I just didn't see him. Rescuing Vitale gives me the "Vitale's Editorial" clue and the "Grab Jackson for Indigo" objective.

Near the back of the mission I find Jackson. I assume Jackson's dialog is meant to be accented or something. However, one of his guards says:

[NPC] Longbow Eagle: Hah! Mr. Inquiry said you'd try to intervere, Dystheist. But we're ready for you.

"intervere" should be "intervene".

I now have to lead Jackson out of the base. I like the "Nothing Goes This Easy" objective that has been triggered. Some hero I have to fight past, I'm sure.

I'm able to lead Jackson all the way to the door without encountering the "Nothing Goes This Easy" objective. Backtracking a little, though, I find Mr. Inquiry again. Great dialog from him. He finally deduces who I really am. He calls me a villain; based on what I've had to do, this is probably fair. Nicely handled encounter. With my cover blown, though, it seems like this ruins everything ... unless the frame job sticks, I guess.

I just had a terrible thought: the logical thing for Indigo to do at this point is to deny she's working with me. That's how the game is played. We'll see what happens though.

At the end of the mission I get "Jackson's Testimony". In the text here it says "you bring up the film" which momentarily threw me for a loop since I had destroyed it; but perhaps the wording just confused me, and this should be "you ask Jackson about the film".

Debriefing: Indigo does indeed know how the game is played. Very nice description here. All the loose ends are neatly tied up ... except possibly for me.

Mission 5
Briefing: All is explained. Wow, the reveal of who is really on this film is pretty explosive. Vitale's disdain for the "hillbilly group" that Jackson was recruited from makes total sense now. I'm a little uneasy at having MJ portrayed this way (I use her as a hero in another story arc), but it had to be someone big name for sake of the story, so this works.

Send-off message: I don't think MJ can actually fly (nitpicky). I wanted to say that 1951 was way too recent for this type of hate crime, but after doing some research, this sort of thing actually did still happen back then (how shameful...). Both Indigo and Inquiry have good motivation for their actions here.

Map selection: I don't get how we got from Founder's Falls to Atlas Park. This doesn't make sense until I read the "mission begins" clue, "Indigo's Plea".

Mission begins clue: "crumbled by the window" should be "crumpled by the window". "Its no mystery" should be "It's no mystery". This is a pretty good argument for why we need to stop Inquiry and cover up the truth. I'm not sure I actually buy into it (my personal politics are closer to Inquiry's), but it's a good argument. Involving Sister Psyche in this transmission seems a needless complication, though; wouldn't it be better (and more believable) to just televise the film clip rather than have her psychic-beam it out? If the idea is that people won't trust heroes, they wouldn't necessarily trust something Sister Psyche beamed out telepathically. Plus, Sister Psyche would've probably been friends with the person in the film, so might not be willing to do this.

I destroyed some generators, then fought and defeated Mr. Inquiry, though strangely this does not satisfy the "Stop Mr. Inquiry" objective. I have to clear two (seemingly unrelated) Longbow minions before this objective is completed.

In his dialog:

[NPC] Mr. Inquiry: You fraud! You dare follow me here?! This is a place of justice and truth! You presence defiles it!

"You presence" should be "Your presence".

Inquiry's very last line before he goes down is:

[NPC] Mr. Inquiry: Hahaha...I see now. Virtue is a joke. Truth is a quagmire. hehe.. Truth is evil. Good is negotiable.

Defeating all of Inquiry's group finally gives me "The Inquiry - Silenced" as a clue. This clue needs a period at the end of it. I think I would've preferred he go down uncompromising in his beliefs, as that seems truer to his character; but it seems that breaking Mr Inquiry's spirit is among the evil acts I'm perpetrating here.

I now have "Defeat Ms. Liberty" among my objectives, but I am not sure why; I have the film, Inquiry has been stopped, why do I need to fight Ms. Liberty? Needs some motivation.

I find and fight Ms Liberty with some trepidation; she spawns as a +0 EB for me. I've tested using her in story arcs before, and she's pretty nasty. I lay a few trip mines then try to kite her, but she pretty easily defeats me on my first try.

Second try, I decide to break out the allies I spotted, the villains Burning Daemon and Silent Blade. They're in a faction called "Last Chance Allies" (not sure if that was intentional; probably is, I decide). They are only +0 lieutenants, but I need all the help I can get.


I've got you this time! (shortly before Ms Lib wipes the floor with us both)

I fight Ms Lib and over a long fight (I think she dull pain'd twice and unstoppable'd (not sure? some high tier defensive power) 3 times) she kills both my allies, I pop an Amy who ABs and heals me, but it isn't enough. I get Ms Lib down to about 5% but she kills me.

Third try, I grab a bunch of Lucks from the inspiration vendor and zerg Ms Liberty before she can regen to full. She's regen'd to about 20% by the time I get back in the mission, and dull pains again, because she can. I kite her for another ~5 minutes eating lucks 2 or 3 at a time; it looks questionable whether I can outpace her self-regen but I eventually catch her while her dull pain/unstoppable are down, and manage to drop her to 0, which completes the mission.

I'm kind of surprised that Ms Liberty was here instead of Sister Psyche (who was explicitly mentioned several times). What was that all about?

Debriefing: very nice explanation. I like the shout out to Crimson and why Indigo couldn't ask him to help.

Souvenir: very cool writing in the souvenir.

Overall
I thought this was a really good story with a very interesting plot. The story did a good job of setting up a "spy thriller" ambience. Great characterization of Indigo, Mr Inquiry (an obvious Question expy, but still quite liked him), Westin Phipps and even the Warehouse Manager. There were numerous nice little clues and bits of foreshadowing. I also liked the use of various minor heroes, villains and other characters.

Things I had problems with: the final fight with Ms Liberty at the end seemed unnecessary and lacked motivation (why can't I just leave after defeating Mr Inquiry and taking the microfilm?) and much, much too hard compared to everything else in the story arc. On the other hand, Mr Inquiry seemed a bit too easy (he was always a lieutenant for me, but I was admittedly at the minimum difficulty). There was an excessive amount of backtracking required for mission 4 (though some of this was probably self-inflicted as I think I missed Vitale early on, at the very front of the mission).

I think mission 4 could use a little more explanation for why the player needs to do this evil deed. Mission 5 has a good explanation; I'm not sure I fully buy it, but it's a much better argument.

After posing as a villain, defaming Mr Inquiry, crushing his spirit and beating up Ms Liberty, I kinda feel like I should just turn in my hero ID card now and apply for the Going Rogue beta - but that is probably appropriate for a Dr Aeon Challenge arc.

I'm still a bit uneasy at the reveal of the secret on the microfilm, but it needed to be something at least that shocking for the sake of the story.

My major problems I think are the lack of motivation and the difficulty of the Ms Liberty fight, and maybe needing some more coaxing in the mission 4 briefing for why it's necessary to frame another hero.

Despite these misgivings, I thought it was quite a good story and I gave it 5 stars.


--

My queue is currently:

Sister_Twelve - The Long Road Back #340454
StratoNexus - The Better Part of Valor #349298
TigerKnight - Real Afterlife #354483
FredrikSvanberg - The Tangled Weave #338575
Venture - The Christmas We Get #356477
Tenzen - The Hidden Agenda #356334
FredrikSvanberg - A Taste For Evil #349034
Mirror_Man - Galactic Protectorate 01 #47143

Luckily, I had enough time today to review another one of your arcs, PoliceWoman

Here's the link to the review, I hope you think I gave it a fair score!