I'll try yours if you'll try mine

I have never had so much trouble taking criticism before. Criticism is what I consider part of my job, I'm very open to it.

But any time I get less than a 4 star on TMIT, I get my feelings hurt.

It's pretty obvious to me now that I put a little bit too much of my heart into this one. Once this official contest is over (which I am not winning) I am going to unpublish.

Creative works are never finished. Only abandoned.

/facepalm

Fine.

You still taking submissions? Because I would like to submit Arc 339222 "The Descender". This is an oldie that I recently dusted off and revamped. It's been through like four different iterations, but I think this version is the best.

My global is @Mr Squid

Hey there!

I've played Teen Phalanx Forever earlier (with my SG) and we all really liked it, it was one of the best canon-related stories in AE that I've played imo. I just played through Talos Vice (figuring you could use the plays) and left some feedback ingame. Is it bad if I had the theme song to Magnum PI going through my head the entire time?

If you're still taking submissions, take a look at "The Coldest of Wars" (#299972, see sig). Like Talos Vice, it's also partially TV-inspired, though more 60's spy thriller than 80's cop series, and with quite a bit of camp / cheese. It's my first arc and I'm not a native English speaker -- I can always use more feedback!

edit: whoops, forgot the global, it's @Celestial Nemesis (though for some weird reason, globals don't show on published arcs anymore... grr)


Thanks in advance,

-- Z.

The Null Earth Saga: A Reflected Web
Arc ID: 334016
Keywords: Challenging, Ideal for Teams, Sci-Fi
Morality: Heroic
Level range: 25-28
Warnings: AVs, EBs, high villains at lower than normal levels

The premise appears to be an Arachnos civil war and maybe an alien invasion. My characters in the 25-28 range are mostly squishies, but with "Challenging", "Ideal for teams" and a laundry list of danger warnings, I decided I'd better bring someone tougher. So I played a 39 elec/SR scrapper exemped down.

The contact is Agent Muse, a custom character who looks vaguely Longbowish. Her info does say she's a Longbow agent. In her description, I think "Unfortunately, while Longbow was unable" should be just "Unfortunately, Longbow was unable".

Mission 1
Briefing: The contact immediately starts up with some attitude which will either establish her character or be annoying or maybe both. She wants me to check out an Arachnos base and beat up the base leader. This seem pretty vague, but perhaps I'll learn more in the mission.

Inside the mission, I seem to be in a pretty normal Arachnos base, filled with Arachnos. I hear someone say:

[NPC] Wolf Spider Enforcer: You loosers are dealing with real Arachnos now!

"loosers" should be "losers". I see some Arachnos mobs fighting each other; some of them seem to be the "retro" style Arachnos.

I eventually find Commander Vines and beat him up, getting the "Who are they?" clue. It seems he doesn't know why other Arachnos are attacking his base.

This mission seemed awfully straightforward (all I had to do was beat the boss), could maybe use a little more details to make it more lively. The battles help some, but it could still use more content.

Debriefing: seems awfully short. Also, she never said it would be a "cake run" .... she seemed to think I'd need to be lucky to pull it off. Also, "there was people" should be "there were people". "dressed like somewhat like Arachnos there" doesn't quite scan either - suggest you reword. Perhaps "dressed differently" would make sense?

[ended up getting dragged off to team, later restarted this arc with a 29 db/ninj stalker]

Mission 1 (second try) was pretty easy on a stalker because I just snuck to Commander Vimes and assassinated him (and his group) to finish the mission. I'm struck by how confused Vimes is as to what's going on re: the Arachnos attacking his base. Supposedly Arachnos has a lot of infighting in the normal course of business, though, so I think maybe he would not be this surprised? Though of course he would not know who was really behind these retro Arachnos.

Mission 2
Briefing: the contact wants me to go contain the intra-Arachnos fighting occurring in Boomtown. Boomtown actually seems a strange place for Arachnos to be fighting (there are no Arachnos mobs there normally); perhaps Faultline would make more sense?

Also, how does she know the guy leading the "odd Arachnos" claims to be an Arbiter, as she says here? I kinda thought mission 1 was our first contact with the "odd Arachnos", so not sure where she got that info.

Second part of briefing sounds a little odd. I get that the contact doesn't like heroes, but "I'll start to reconsider what I called you earlier, you costumed clown" sounds rather dissonant. If the intent is that she is considering softening her original opinion of the player, she probably shouldn't call her a "costumed clown" at this point.

Inside the mission there are retro Arachnos fighting modern Arachnos, all with "Arachnos" as their villain group. This is a little confusing, but maybe is the intent. (If not, maybe they should be in two different factions.) Some yell "For Recluse" and some "For Arachnos". Could some of these be Weaver loyalists, I wonder?

Examining a "Wolf Spider Assault" with the retro looking uniform, it actually mentions he's loyal to Lord Recluse. I'm not sure this is intentional - I get the vibe that they're against Recluse, so maybe should have a different description.

I find "Arbiter Bucky" who has interesting dialog claiming "The Arachnos of this reality are weak!" Fighting him, he has more dialog implying he's some sort of dimension hopper. He also gives the "Not From Around Here" clue, which nicely reinforces this.

After some searching I found and defeated "Operative Satchel" which finished the mission. I think this map is a bit too large for the 2 objectives you need to find; also, just beating up the 2 bosses did not feel like it actually would "Stop the Fighting!" since there were quite a LOT of battles raging still.

Mission 3
Briefing: "these Arachnos...might be up to something big, according to an Intel report that I just received. The good news is that we have a chance to find out what it is, thanks to the same report, which claims that there's an office building that they may have taken over." This all sounds rather vague, and IMHO does not sound very authentic for an intel report.

I'd suggest a better way to express this would be to give some sort of hard fact (something that a spy or recon satellite has directly observed) that isn't conclusive in itself; then some guesswork as to what this observation means, from either the contact or from intel analysts. Example: "Satellite reconnaissance shows these odd Arachnos are concentrated in an office building in Boomtown. Longbow has intercepted a lot radio traffic from that building; it's all encrypted, but the increase in radio traffic over the last 24 hours suggests to us that they're up to something big. We need you to check it out."

I do like that Agent Muse is treating me with more respect, now that I've succeeded at a couple of her missions.

Inside the mission, the office building is covered in green slime or something. Is there a reason for this? I didn't see a mission entry popup; consider adding one that describes the environment here.

Found "An Old Magazine" clue on a desk which describes Nixon's third term as the Arachnos party president. This would make sense if I were actually in the "odd Arachnos" home dimension, but I am puzzled as to why they'd bring an old magazine across dimensions to an office in this dimension?

This office map seems a bit overly large for the amount of stuff to do on it. There are some patrols with a little dialog which is nice, but they all say the same lines (3 times that I saw); if you have space, making patrols or details with different lines would be nice.

Found a Widow named Destruction. Perhaps she should be "Night Widow Destruction" (like "Night Widow Nocturne"). In her description, "lead by the mysterious Calamity" should be "led by the mysterious Calamity". The last sentence in her description appears incomplete (ends in "has only").

I decide to stab Destruction in case she has the information I'm looking for; she has some fight dialog, but it seems a little generic to me (any boss could probably use the same lines); consider tailoring her dialog to be a little more unique and specific to her. Also, she says:

[NPC] Destruction: I.... Never loose...

"loose" should be "lose" here.

Defeating Destruction gives me "An Odd Statement" as a clue, where she allegedly says "So, are you a member of the Vindicators in this reality as well?" This line is short enough that you might consider having her actually say this line while you fight her. Then still flag it as unusual by awarding a clue.

Destruction seemed to be on the top floor of the office, and I still haven't figured out how to satisfy the "Find information" objective, so I started killing everything around her in case I had to clear her room or something.

I cleared the top two floors, still no go on the objective. I backtracked further and eventually found a wall safe with "Incomplete Battle Plans" that completed the mission. In this clue, "what look like" should be "what looks like". "they say that Arachnos will be attacking" is a little ambiguous; perhaps you mean "they say that the odd Arachnos will be attacking". And it seems strange that if their attack is in less than an hour, the battle plans would be "Incomplete"?

This mission map felt it was a bit too big for just having one glowy you need to click; I'd suggest either using a smaller map, or adding more stuff to do. The "old magazine" clue was kind of along the right lines, and more clues like that would be nice; but I do think it would be odd for an old magazine to be carried over from another dimension. Fighting "Destruction" was nice though.

Debriefing: seems awfully short. Needs a bit more here; whether recapping the mission, describing ongoing events (maybe the odd-Arachnos-attack has already begun) or something.

Mission 4
Briefing: based on the "battle plans" clue, I'm sent to stop the odd Arachnos who are attacking Portal Corp. These guys need a better name than "odd Arachnos"; try and come up with one if you can.

The contact warns that if the odd Arachnos capture Portal Corp, they can "get reinforcements from their home reality". But this has a problem with logic, as the odd Arachnos got here somehow that didn't involve Portal Corp, so why couldn't they get reinforcements the same way?

She also warns that "our" Arachnos is sending an operative, too. How does she know this?

After accepting, I notice there is a 45 minute timer. You may want to warn in the briefing that this is a timed mission. Doesn't really bother me, but a lot of people expect a warning.

Upon entering the mission, I have "Defeat Wrath" as an objective, but I don't think Wrath was mentioned in the briefing, so I'm not sure why I would know his name. Maybe "Defeat (odd) Arachnos leader".

Wrath is in the very first room I enter, and spawned as a -1 EB bane spider to me. He beats me up on my first try, but after hospitalling and coming back with a load of inspirations, I beat him on the rematch.

Defeating Wrath then triggers a new objective of "Defeat Misery"; I'm not quite sure why.

A bit deeper in the mission I find Nocturne (also a -1 EB) who appears to be an ally. This is pretty powerful for an ally, though maybe is OK as I am running into a lot of other EBs who are probably normally AVs. I rescue her, which triggers a new objective of "Defeat Raid Leader"; not quite sure why the Raid Leader is linked to her. Shouldn't I have wanted to defeat the Raid Leader from the start?


Kashira and Nocturne battle Arachnos (?) and 5th Column (??)


I had to search for awhile before finding Misery, who had spawned on a catwalk as a tarantula EB. Managed to beat it with Nocturne's help. Weirdly, a 5th Column patrol wandered by shortly after and Nocturne went ballistic on them. I'm not really sure what the 5th Column was doing here.

I searched and searched the whole lab, maybe 3 times, but could not find the Raid Leader before time ran out, so I ended up failing this mission.

Debriefing: The contact says that Arachnos didn't get any backup, but did manage to "get a signal back to their home reality"; I never saw any clue to that effect, or any Arachnos guys obviously trying to transmit a signal. Also the debriefing says "you also found out where their main base is", but this never happened during the mission; maybe you get this from the Raid Leader that I didn't defeat, but the text doesn't quite make sense the way it's shown to me. Also, "thier" should be "their".

One thing I think this mission was missing was some hint as to what the odd Arachnos were really doing in Portal Corp. The debriefing explains some of what they're up to, but I think it would be more effective if you show them doing things during the mission itself. The way it currently is, it seems like I beat up one boss to spawn the next boss, so it's just a series of fights. I'd suggest you have some Arachnos guys guarding a radio transmitter, or trying to operate portals to bring reinforcements through, or whatever. Maybe some Portal technicians being held hostage that the odd Arachnos try to strong-arm into operating portals to their home dimension. Basically, show the bad guys in the process of conducting their operation.

Mission 5
Briefing: the contact says we now know the odd Arachnos are from "Null Earth", but I actually never got this info (maybe the Raid Leader had it?).

The contact wants me to take out the commander of the odd Arachnos, but says that if I fail she's going to bring a huge number of Longbow and Heroes to take out the Arachnos base. The text here is well-written but the logic seems strange? There is no time pressure that I'm aware of (now that the assault on Portal Corp has been broken up, they don't have any other evil plans in action that we know of), so why wouldn't she just have me wait for the Longbow and Heroes to be rounded up, and we all storm the base together? The "higher ups have a plan" is mentioned, but even blaming the higher ups, I still don't see the logic in this.

The mission name, "Defeat the Invasion Commander", is identical to the mission objective, "Defeat the Invasion Commander". I suggest you rephrase one of them, so they aren't so obviously repetitive.

The Arachnos base appears to actually be the 5th Column headquarters and is full of 5th Column. I don't understand this?

I eventually locate Vandal, who is a +0 EB to me. His description has his alternate universe life story, describing his rise to power in odd Arachnos; "lieutenants" should be "lieutenant" there. His dialog explains that he's the evil mastermind behind "odd" Arachnos.

Defeating Vandal finishes the mission and the arc. I think I would've liked a little more to do in this mission; all I had to do was beat the boss. Perhaps there would be some clues or objects hinting at what Vandal's plans for conquering the world were.

Final debriefing does a good job of wrapping up the story and the souvenir is a good recap.

Overall
The idea of an alternate version of Arachnos trying to invade our world is neat; the contact is cool and I like how you eventually win her over after doing a couple missions. Most of the briefings have some good info in them (though some of the debriefings are too short, IMHO); the final debriefing and the souvenir do a good job of wrapping things up, though. I like that there are some patrols and battles in each mission with a little dialog to add some color.

I do think each mission could use a little more detail, and/or could use a smaller map. In several of the missions, it felt like I was on a very large map with only one or two things to do on it; either making the map smaller or adding more things to do would help keep the pacing more lively.

It's never really explained (as far as I could tell) how the "odd Arachnos" actually arrived on our Earth. I would think that finding this out would be a top priority for Agent Muse, because she's worried about them getting reinforcements from their home dimension (this was her motivation for stopping the Portal raid). Some further explanation of the goals of Null Earth's Vandal and his expeditionary force would be helpful, too; just how were they hoping to conquer the world? The way it's currently presented, Null Earth Arachnos just sorta shows up from nowhere, and you have to beat them up; I really think adding some more background info to them (by adding more clues and/or dialog hinting at their history) would help flesh them out.

Also it seems like Null Earth Arachnos is actually an arm of Null Earth's 5th Column. I'm not sure how this jibes with Nixon being re-elected a third time (Nixon had issues, but was NOT a Nazi AFAIK). And the mobs that I saw in game were distinctly EITHER Arachnos models OR 5th Column models; I think maybe it would be helpful if you had a few custom models that were a hybrid between Arachnos/5th Column models, to bridge the gap. Or perhaps you could repaint the Arachnos and 5th Column models to all be the same color, or something like that. (Note: some of the "odd Arachnos" still have descriptions that mention Lord Recluse in them, which I don't believe is intentional.) As it is, they appear to be two separate groups, when I think your intention is that they're sort of amalgamated together. You may want to put them in the same villain group, for that matter. Furthermore, the 5th Column seem to suddenly appear in mission 4 without much warning or explanation; I saw them start spawning after beating one of the bosses, but didn't understand why they were there until much later. I guess they are meant to be a surprise, but maybe you should also get a clue to that effect when they spawn, like "Whoa, why are there 5th Column all over the place now?"

I'd also recommend you come up with a name for the Null Earth Arachnos guys, something more catchy than "odd Arachnos"; it's hard to call them "odd Arachnos" for the whole story (maybe "Araknos" or something similar?). You may also want to rename Vandal or give him an Arachnos style name, like "Arbiter Vandal" or maybe "Arbiter Doul", to reinforce that it's not OUR Vandal, it's a different Vandal.

For that matter, for the other named bosses (Destruction, Misery, etc.) you might consider reusing the names of other 5th Column or Council bosses (only with Arachnos ranks; e.g. Operative Ubelmann), to more strongly hint at the 5th Column/Arachnos connection.

Anyway, I think it is a decent start but could use some editing and a little more detail. I gave it 3 stars, I hope you think that's fair.

---

My queue is currently:

@Zamuel - An Arachnos Slumber Party #335317
@Mr Squid - The Descender #339222
Zaphir - The Coldest of Wars #299972

A few words on arc reviews

I've been doing some introspection on the whole "arc review" thing. There's been some backlash on the forum towards reviewers in general lately, and I've been finding it personally difficult to deal with the disappointment that I generate in people when I give them something other than a glowing review. I would love to give everyone 5 stars and make them feel happy (especially the nice people who I frequently interact with on the forums and/or in-game), but I'm afraid honesty is one of my vices, and I find that I can't do that.

This being the case, I've been wondering: why am I doing this? Is what I'm doing useful? Is it really helping anyone?


Why am I doing arc reviews?

Originally I was trying to get publicity for my own story arcs, but if that's all I wanted, I could've quit long ago.

What I'm trying to do now is to help people improve their story arcs (I hope). Truthfully, my reviews are not properly "reviews" at all. The target audience for my reviews is not the player who tries to decide whether to play the story arc; my target audience is the author of the story arc. The format and content of my review is more like structured, detailed player feedback. This is what I think will help the author.


Do my arc reviews help? Why or why not?

From observation, however, my reviews do not always help the author. Some even seem quite unhappy with the results. I spent some time pondering why this is, and my current thinking is as follows.

People ask for arc reviews for one or more of the following reasons:
* Feedback: the author wants constructive criticism and/or suggestions for their arc.
* Validation: the author wants positive reinforcement for having written their arc.
* Publicity: the author wants more people to hear about their arc and try it out.

My review style mainly provides Feedback, and maybe a little Publicity. My review style is actually counterproductive for people who want Validation.

My feeling is that if the reason you want a review is Validation, you won't be satisfied with the type of review that I do. There is nothing wrong with wanting Validation; in fact, most people probably do want it (I know I do). There are several other reviewers in this forum who are better at providing this type of review. If you will be unhappy if I give you any result other than 5 stars, you may want to try one of them instead.

Similarly, if you want a review but refuse to accept Feedback, you won't get much value out of the type of review I do. There's nothing wrong with rejecting Feedback; I, myself, have some story arcs or parts of stories which I probably won't change no matter what kind of feedback I get. But if you are completely happy with how your story is now, or if you think you may say something like "My arc has 200 plays and they all seem happy with it, why do YOU have an issue with it?" -- then you may not really get anything from me reviewing your arc.

But if you're really interested in Feedback, and open-minded about suggestions and constructive criticism, then I hope you'll get a lot out of the type of reviews that I write.

I am strongly tempted to restrict my reviews to "No arcs tagged 'Final', no arcs with 100+ plays" to help focus my effort on story arcs that will actually get something out of my feedback, but haven't definitely decided to do that yet.


What's up with ratings?

* I believe that arc ratings should range from 1 star to 5 stars. In my opinion, restricting myself to only awarding 4-5 stars, or only 5 stars or not rating, or artificially adding a star to all my ratings, is actually a disservice because it decreases the amount of information that my rating is providing.

* If I give an arc 3 stars, or even 2 stars or 1 star, this doesn't mean I hate the story arc, or I think it's bad, or whatever. It only means that I think the story arc could use work; the farther away from 5 stars it is, the more work I think it needs.

* Whether I like a story is not the only thing I rate on. It's arguably not even the biggest factor. I have given 5 stars to arcs I didn't particularly like (because they were, IMHO, well-made) and 3 stars to arcs I liked (because I thought they could be better).

* I make it a rule to not give a lower-than-5 rating unless I can justify it by identifying problems and/or offering suggestions to remedy it.

* That said, my rating is somewhat arbitrary and can be affected by outside factors like, the story had a happy ending, my dinner was especially tasty tonight, my favorite animal appears in the story, a Task Force team wants me to join them right now so I only have a minute to think about my rating, or any number of variables like that. I try to factor these things out to give a "fair" rating, but I'm not perfect.


TL;DR version

I'm just another player providing feedback, just longer and more detailed than most. Like all ratings you get on your arc, take my rating with a grain of salt. Like all feedback you get on your arc, read it over, use the parts you like, don't worry about the parts you can't use.

Since you mentioned you were going to run it for fun anyway, I'd like to request a review of Captain Skylark Shadowfancy and the Tomorrownauts of Today! (Yes, the exclamation mark is part of the title). ID 337333.

I ran Teen Phalanx Forever! a little while ago and sent you some feedback on it. General impression was that it was very well written, kept the humour consistent throughout (Though the Vista vs. XP joke was a bit cheesy), and I was pleasantly surprised when the story actually came together - my big worry about the arc was it would end up being just be a loose, unconnected series of missions driven mostly by jokes, but this wasn't the case.

*I've also been meaning to give Talos Vice a run but I've been pretty caught up in writing another arc for the last little bit - momentum is like that*

Talos Vice Review (and special reply to PW's previous post, too)

First, the reply about arc feedback: The reason this is the only review thread I frequent, and PW is the only reviewer to whom I'll formally submit an arc, is that I find her reviews complete, thorough, and remarkably untainted by whether she likes or dislikes the arc. This is the only thread where I feel like I can share my views on arc design without being shouted down, and that counts for a lot with me. So, thank you, PW, and I, at least, think you're doing quite a good job.

Second, the "Talos Vice" review itself (yay, I get to write the first review again):

Background on how and why I played this arc:

I recently dusted off my dark/dark scrapper, Joe Fedora (level 47) after a respec and a much-needed infusion of +recovery bonuses and IO's. This character is supposed to be a ghost from the 1930's, so I like to do either ghost-themed or detective/noir arcs with him. I happened to notice "Talos Vice" while searching for something else, and I figured it might be worth my time. As you read the review below, keep in mind that I was running it with a scrapper exemplared down to 20, with most of his attacks and his basic defenses, a couple of high-cost IO's, and few of his exotic tricks (e.g., no Cloak of Fear) available. A character playing this arc at "native" level might have had more trouble.

As with most AE players these days, I soloed the arc. I was set as a team of 3, facing bosses but not AV's.

General arc structure and my comments thereon:

This arc may not make much sense to you unless you are, like me, a child of the '80's. Put simply, it's a sort of parody of the TV show, Miami Vice. The arc nicely captures the feel of the show, from the "look" (of which more later) to the campy dialogue to the type of storyline.

For example, each and every contact interaction dialogue box includes the words "Talos Vice" in blaring, pastel colors at the top, much like the title card screen you might see before and after commercials on an '80's cop show. It's this sort of little detail that makes this arc stand out, rather than anything particular about the missions themselves.

The presentation of the dialogue is unusual for the AE or CoX in general. Text boxes are presented in TV script form, listing dialogue not only of the contact (Detective Croquette, naturally), but of the player character and any secondary characters. Yes, the dialogue WILL put words in your character's mouth. This will be an "instant fail" for people who don't like having anything dictated about their characters, but I found it to be a benefit. Because of this structure, the arc can describe settings and the actions of characters other than the PC and the contact, enabling it to create a much deeper sense of setting. How else would I know that my character is riding in a speedboat, or what the soundtrack of the arc sounds like? I loved these atmospheric details.

Structurally, I found the arc to be very sound. All the missions are set to the same level, 20, and all the enemies seem fairly reasonable for that level range. (Most are stock foes, some recolored.)

Mission-by-mission breakdown (based on notes I took while playing several days ago, so I apologize for omissions):

Mission 1: After the appropriately atmospheric arc tag text, which provides our opening credits, Det. Croquette asks me to investigate a mess involving a Superadine ring. The text seems to assume I'm either a member of the PPD or working directly for them. Fine with me, though others might chafe at this. My only criticism here, and throughout the dialogue with Croquette, is that he gets all the good lines. My character's are pretty much limited to "yeses" and "nos" and such. It's a difficult line to walk, here, between dictating too much about the player's character (what if it's a robot that can't talk?) and not dictating enough. I suspect my reaction here is colored by the fact that I was playing with a character who probably would have pithy dialogue if this were an actual cop show.

I fight my way through a warehouse, seizing some drugs and locating some officers previously sent in to investigate things. The clues are nicely atmospheric. Like the contact dialogue, they contain stage and lighting directions, as well as character speeches and direct information about the plot. Halfway through, I run into Police Woman, in an amusing cameo, captured by some Trolls. I rescue her, and she provides me with a clue, then leaves. Since she's making a special cameo here and doesn't fight, you might want to give her a special "tropical" outfit. I'm not sure what that would be . . . something with big shoulder pads, probably, given the setting of the arc.

In the final room, I find Det. Croquette in a very short-range firefight with some Trolls. I rescue him, then he immediately engages the final boss, a Caliban recolored to have a neon-pink shirt. Great touch! I would suggest changing Croquette's spawn point, if possible, to avoid this immediate engagement. It wasn't an issue for me, playing an IO'd-out scrapper, but it could've been a problem for, say, a solo defender at the arc's native level.

We also meet an iffy cop, who, appropriately, has a aloha shirt. I was worried that this detail, essential to the whole "Miami Vice" vibe, wouldn't show up, but now I'm satisfied.

I'm given a great denoument on exiting the mission, again given in script-style format, like all the clues and dialogue. As I mentioned, this really helps build atmosphere.

Mission 2:

More investigation, this time at a club frequented by villains. With one tiny exception, there is nothing I don't love about this mission.

First, the villain group. It contains a mixture of pretty much every gang-type enemy that spawns at level 20, which makes for some fun variety. That's not the best part, though. Those of you who remember Miami Vice will recall that every darn thing on that show was either day-glo or pastel. So is the villain group here! Let me tell you, a hero has not truly lived until he has battled a Warrior Crusher with a hot pink gang emblem and acid-washed jeans. Their dialogue is entertaining, too.

Aside from that, this is the kind of PG-13-rated club that routinely appeared in pre-'90's cop shows. And, being in the Paragon City universe, it's a superhero-themed club. We meet Libby and Kat, two dancers employed at the club. Their costumes and bios are great. My only criticism here is that Kat's is a bit too much like the original Mynx's. Libby's, on the other hand, I can actually imagine appearing in a seedy dive in the CoX universe.

After a couple of rescues and more well-drafted clues, I run into Detective Croquette again. This time, he's in a close-range firefight with Warriors. This doesn't make much sense, given that the Warriors put away their guns to shoot at me with bows. On the other hand, it hardly seems worth creating a special enemy group here just to threaten Croquette.

I figure the mission will end when I retrieve him, but I still have an objective to "find out why the Family is here." I make my way back out toward the entrance, figuring there's a triggered objective, and I'm right. Croquette (who's a Thugs MM without the thugs, meaning he uses Dual Pistols) and I beat own a spawn of Family and capture the guy with the aloha shirt. (The bad cop always has an aloha shirt, doesn't he? Another great nod to the genre.)

One minor point, here: one of the clues refers to "margueritas." I believe the drink is a "magarita."

My only significant criticism for this mission is that it takes place on the Freakshow Warehouse map. That's fine, but it seems that the "Dance Rave" map would really fit a lot better. I know some posters have argued that MA authors shouldn't use maps that appear frequently, and that one certainly does, but in this case, I think you're well-justified in using it. (Of course, it may not have enough spawn points, in which case, ignore this suggestion.)

Mission 3:

Time for the final beatdown on the Superadine smugglers. The mission text tells me I'm riding to the final battle in a speedboat with Croquette, and when I zone into the mission, I'm on the "Mercy dock and ferry" map. Excellent use of an underused map! Unfortunately, the entry text tells me it's night, and it's day as I step onto the dock. Oh, well.

This is a good mission marred by the inability to place objectives precisely on outdoor maps. The goals here are to recover Croquette, defeat a (unique) boss, and destroy some drugs. I run up the ramp and am immediately attacked by two spawns, one of them containing the unique boss. There really isn't any way to avoid this. It's just the nature of the map. Being set on a lower difficulty might've decreased the inadvertent challenge here; I'm not sure.

The boss is a custom character resembling a Family Underboss. He's Thugs/Superstrength and seemed about the right level of challenge for my character. I took him and his friends down with judicious use of my powers and a couple of inspirations.

Anticlimactically, I then locate Croquette and easily rescue him, defeat the last couple of Family thugs, and destroy the Superadine, which is in a refinement station that's just sitting there outdoors for some reason. This objective might work better as a crate.

This mission, unlike the others, didn't have any clues, which I found somewhat disappointing. Yes, there's no additional information that needs to be revealed to the player, but the clues in this arc are present for atmosphere as much as for plot advancement.

The arc concludes with a nice exchange of dialogue. My character finally gets to say a great line, as I noted in my notes, although, since I failed to write it down, I've forgotten what it was.

Overall comments:

The arc is exactly the right length and difficulty for its level. The plot is nothing to write home about, but setting and atmosphere, not plot, are the draws here, so I don't view that as a negative. The arc perfectly captures the feel of its source material.

As much as I enjoyed it, this is very much a "niche appeal" arc. Its humor depends on the player's being old enough to remember Miami Vice. Players not familiar with the show may not understand either the over-the-top allusions or the reason the interaction boxes are all written as script direction. Even without that, it's a fine "crime" arc, but I wonder if players might be put off by the way the arc dictates their characters' dialogue. As I mentioned above, I didn't mind this, but some people might.

Overall, I found this to be a well-written arc that uses factions and especially dialogue in interesting, new ways. As I mentioned, the challenge level seems just about right. I gave this one five stars.

I hope you find this helpful.

I just noticed just how short the queue for reviews is. You've already seen two of my arcs, and the others are currently bugged. One spawns grey enemies and often fails to spawn objectives, while the other is in desperate need of a difficulty adjustment that I can't make without some time spent digging into the guts of some of the custom enemy files.

Instead, I'd appreciate it if you could wait until I finish one of the two arcs I'm drafting at the moment. If you reach me in the queue and I haven't published one yet, just move me to the bottom of the queue again. Thanks.

PW - I finished Talos Vice this morning, but I noticed that there's no feedback thread. How do you want the players to respond to it?

I'm surprised I didn't make a post yet, but thank you for the review! (I admit I've held off as long as I have because I've been afraid to look at the review) And I agree, the reviews do help!

As for things you mentioned in The Null Earth Saga:

Loose/lose - Fixing that as we speak. I guess this is what I get for using an Internet grammar/spell check web site.

Retro Arachnos - The for/against Recluse is a hold over from using the 1960's Arachnos enemy group. I've yet to find an easy way to fix this without turning them into a custom enemy group, which has the potential to mess with what I wanted the enemy groups to consist of in that later missions 'Arachnos' appears in. In other words, I'm working on it, but it might not be fixed 'Soon (TM)'.

Mish 3 - I'll just say that I've never been fully happy with this mission, and wanted to go with a map that isn't seen that often. The clues made sense back when I was making the mission, but I'll try to fix them, and the mish as a whole.

Mish 4 - I'll be blunt and say this right now, the map is to blame for more problems making this arc than all the rest together. For any mission that requires multiple allies/enemies, it's a spawning nightmare. While I never ran into your 'Couldn't find 'em' bug, the running back and forth is not as bad as it use to be, back before I tied various things spawning to other things being defeated. Originally, with no spawns tied to any others, it'd spawn a boss right at the mission entrance, but it'd only spawn for some reason after the other named bosses were defeated. Again, I'll try to fix this.

5th Column - Again, I'll try to add more information in regards to this. Originally this arc was intended to be one of a set of semi-related arcs (all of which would of been part of the Null Earth Saga), thus certain facts were meant to be held back, but I'll try to fix it so things are a bit more clear without giving too much away (in case I ever actually create those other arcs).

More details (including in Mish 5) - Working on it. I'll put them in as soon as I can figure out just what I want to stick in, and how I want to do it without having to completely redo everything that's already been done.

The other bits - Let's just say that as I work on this arc I'll keep referring to your review as I try to improve things.

Again, thank you!

Sorry for the long delay - been keeping busy with other stuff.

An Arachnos Slumber Party review
Arc ID: 335317
Keywords: Custom Characters, Comedy
Morality: Villainous
Level range: 25-30
Warnings: High villains at low levels, enemies with custom powers

The concept is to attend the first ever "Arachnos Slumber Party", described as a fun filled evening of snacks and entertainment. The contact is Kalinda. I played a 29 db/ninj stalker.

Mission 1
Briefing: Nicely formatted. The contact says she knows I've been invited to this slumber party, which she hasn't been invited to (do I detect a hint of envy?), but she knows something bad will happen there (because Kalinda is, after all, psychic). She wants me to spy on the party for her, and to "check their battle readiness" to make sure that pillow fighting isn't somehow dulling their combat skills.

I like the mission title, "Check the combat readiness of the party planners"; it's got a neat synthesis of militantly serious and silly.

This mission presupposes that you've been invited to the slumber party; may I suggest that you give a "start of mission" clue, that represents the party invitation? It would add some background detail, as well as giving you an opportunity to introduce the party planner(s) and give the player an idea of what to expect.

Inside the mission, I find a glowy box of "Party Supplies" which I click to satisfy one of the mission objectives. The Party Supplies seem pretty innocuous though (chips, dip, ammo and music ... well, ok, maybe ammo is not, but it IS Arachnos) and I don't think I learn anything of importance to the plot, so while I like the glowy and the clue, I'm not sure why it should be considered a "required" objective.

I found Susan, a custom Arachnos looking person, who I suspect is a party planner. I think you might want to give her an Arachnos rank to maybe seem more authentic as an Arachnos soldier; maybe "Operative Susan" or "Trainee Susan" or something. I like the animations that Susan and her guards have, it does look appropriate for a party planner.

Fighting Susan, she says:

[NPC] Susan: You seem pretty strong

...which should have a period at the end. This line is also a little plain, could maybe more interesting. The other lines are okay; though if you want this to be a comedy, they could perhaps be more funny.

Defeating Susan didn't seem to be enough to complete the objective of testing their readiness; I ended up having to clear the whole map (though it was small, so not too bad). No one else had any lines though; I think the mission could be improved by adding some static spawns or patrols with some dialog talking about the slumber party.

Having finished the mission, while I liked the university map as a choice, the mission didn't feel enough like a slumber party. I'm actually not quite sure what I've accomplished here; it feels like I beat up a lot of girls who were innocently planning a party. It's a villainous arc, but I didn't beat up the girls to gain money or power or anything; this kind of makes me feel like a bully. Is this really your intent? I kind of thought you meant for the player to sympathize with the girls holding the slumber party -- but if this is the case, maybe you shouldn't have to fight them. Perhaps you could rescue them from some Longbow who are trying to bust up their party planning, or help them steal party supplies from a shop, or something.

Mission 2
Briefing: the contact says she doesn't know anything more, but she wants me to attend the party and "keep my eyes open". My motivation for doing this seems kind of weak so far; I think it would be better if Kalinda explained a little more about why I'm doing this, and/or perhaps if there were some sort of clue in the previous mission that implies something shady is going on. Right now I am not sure why I'm doing this.

"Enjoy the party events" seems a fun mission title; I also like the objectives, which sound pretty fun. Though I think "Stop unholy summon" feels a little out-of-place compared to "Pillow fight"; also, it seems like a huge spoiler for what's actually going to happen in this mission. May I suggest you rename it something a little more innocuous-sounding, like "Play with ouija board" or "Tell ghost stories" or something like that -- then when you actually try to do that objective, it turns out it's really an unholy summoning.

Map selection: this office map doesn't really seem festive enough for a slumber party; also, too brightly lit. Maybe the Carnie themed warehouse would work better? (Not sure if that's available though.) It's also suspiciously large and empty.

The Party Fortunata and Party Widow mobs do look fun. Minor nitpick: they both have the "wolf spider" helmet, but should have a "widow" style helmet (like the one Kalinda wears) instead. The Arachnos-logo tattoo is a nice touch though.


Party Widows getting drinks

I found a couple of them guarding "Jenny", a Tarantula hostage. In Jenny's description, "subject to several mechanical experiments" should be "subjected to several mechanical experiments". The Party Widows were hostile to me and I ended up fighting them, though I'm not quite sure why this is necessary (they even say "No need to fight" in their dialog), though defeating them and "freeing" Jenny does seem to achieve the "snacks and drinks" objective, as well as giving the "Best in your cup" clue; not quite sure what "Best in your cup" means, maybe "Yummy Coffee" or something would make more sense. I also think that eating popcorn with coffee sounds kind of weird. Depending on the type of party you think this is (I'm still not quite sure), maybe either cocoa and cake, or beer and potato chips, would make more sense. You could also make the snacks & drinks into some sort of clicky? Either that, or make it more clear why it's necessary to kill the two partiers to get coffee.

Ran across Lakesha, a hostage with no guards. I think she was just there for color, which is a nice idea; she maybe should say something more interesting though. "Hope you're enjoying the party" seems a little too generic. I also ran into a friendly Party Widow (hostage with no guards); she seems more fun, mostly because she's in a dancing animation which I think works better for the "party" atmosphere than Lakesha's notepad animation.


It's just not a party unless you have an unholy ritual

Found the Party Fortunata conducting the unholy summon; initially I thought the Witch was a hostage, so I attacked the Party Fortunata, then the Witch attacked me (turns out she was really a boss). The Witch's dialog does kind of hint at this. I kinda wish the partiers with the Witch had some dialog further hinting at the fact that the Witch is mind controlling them, but I guess they are really guards that are part of the Witch's spawn, so can't get their own dialog.

Deeper in the mission I encountered Bertha, a night widow doing jumping jacks. Defeating Bertha satisfies the "pillow fight" objective, but ... this really didn't feel like a pillow fight, because, well, neither Bertha nor her helper nor I used pillows (I mostly stabbed her with swords). The only hint that it's an actual pillow fight is Bertha saying:

[NPC] Bertha: We're about to pillow fight MY way!

...but I really think this isn't enough to give the "feeling" of a pillow fight. I'm not sure there IS a good way to get across the idea of a "pillow fight" with the animations available. Perhaps you could get something approximating pillows by customizing war maces and/or shields though; and the pillow fight mobs should probably be wearing pajamas for a costume.

Found the "phone" for the prank phone call, which has a silly joke for the progress bar text; I think it would work a little better if this joke were about telephones or prank calls; currently, it's about a refridgerator so seems not relevant. Anyway, the phone call completes the mission while spawning a Rogue Isles Police ambush (I guess I prank phone called 911). I think it might be a little funnier to prank phone call a "serious" AV - for example if I called up Black Scorpion and told him that Jenny had a crush on him (which would tie in with her characterization so far), and in the clue you could have Black Scorpion yell, "What? WHO IS THIS?" and then I could hang up and giggle while Jenny dies of embarrassment.

At the end of mission 2 it seems I've done several party-related activities, but I'm not sure it actually accomplished anything in the end. So I'm not quite sure what to make of this mission.

Mission exit popup, "Everything has went great" should probably be "Everything went great" or "Everything has went well".

Debriefing: seems awfully short. Should have some more text here. I'm not sure Kalinda would really say "Excellent work" when all I did was hang out at a party; I think she expected me to find something out?

Mission 3
Briefing: Apparently the party is still going on? I actually thought mission 2 was the whole of the party, so the mission ending was also the end of the party. But if that's not the case, you should make it more clear at the end of mission 2 that the player is walking out of the party early, in order to report in.

So now Kalinda has visions of "infighting" at the party, so she wants me to stop it. This seems odd because I didn't notice anyone fighting while I was at the party in mission 2 (except for me - I seemed to fight everyone; most notably, I ganked two partiers just for a cup of coffee). The previous mission should perhaps contain hints of the trouble to come in later missions. It seems like, since I was actually there, I should have better information about what's happening than Kalinda does.

Kalinda also says I should "squash false rumors". If there are false rumors going around, I think you should have some of the partygoers uttering some of the false rumors in the earlier mission, to foreshadow this.

I got the "Ongoing Gossip" clue; not quite sure when I got it, maybe as a mission begin clue. It does have some juicy rumors in it, so is kind of fun.

I found Jenny the tarantula and rescued her from some partiers who were teasing her; this quashes one of the rumors. I like the "Web of comfort" clue, but this seems to contradict the "Ongoing Gossip" clue which appears to specifically exclude Jenny from the rumors to clear up.

Likewise rescued Bertha and Lakesha. I have to say that the rumors that Bertha is using Superadine, and that Lakesha is going to betray the partiers to the Vahzilok, are not as funny as the rumor about Jenny. Since it's meant to be a comedy, perhaps they could be made funnier.

Also Lakesha's guard says:

[NPC] Party Fortunata: You're gonna betray us all to the Vazilok!

Freeing Lakesha triggers a new objective of "Stop the party crashers", but I haven't gotten any clues or dialog referring to party crashers, so this new objective seems mysterious. Perhaps you should add some clues indicating that people are crashing the party now.

I did find some Freaks nearby; defeating them completed the mission. Their dialog is a little generic; could be made more specific to the fact that they're party crashers and hopeful future students. Also, one of them says:

[NPC] Freaky Tank: Oh it's on like popcorn!

...which didn't make sense to me; maybe it's just an expression I'm not familiar with, though.

Mission 4
Briefing: Kalinda reveals here that the Freakshow, under interrogation, gave the location of a base. It might be a little nicer if the player finds this out via a Clue, after beating the Freakshow, rather than having the contact tell her (would make the player seem more involved). So I'm sent to go after this base.

The reasoning for Kalinda sending me to this base feels a little weak, though...some Freaks crashed the party that Kalinda wasn't even invited to, so now I need to stop them? Needs a bit more motivation, I think.


Freaky fangirls

Inside the mission: the customized Freaks ARE kind of neat looking. You might consider adding to the Freak fangirl descriptions something along the lines of "She's a Freaky kind of girl....the kind you don't take home to mother". The mission title and mission objectives do sound fun.

One of the Freak fangirls here says:

[NPC] Freaky Juicer: We party soooo much better than those Arachnoobs.

...which is fine, except why did they crash the Arachnos party then?

Deep in the mission I find "Disgruntled Susan", who is apparently the answer to the "Who is behind this?" objective. She has some resentful dialog as I beat her up. One of her lines:

[NPC] Disgruntled Susan: You aren't any fun

...needs a period at the end of it. Defeating her and her Freak fangirl guard finishes the mission and the arc.

Debriefing: I like that Kalinda realizes that her prediction of trouble at the party turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, that's rather elegant. In this debriefing, "wonderously" I think should be "wondrously" or "wonderfully". "I'll send my recommendations out to any other slumber parties held in the organization as long as you are in attendance" doesn't quite make sense -- perhaps you mean, "I'll recommend that all other slumber parties are required to have you in attendance" or something similar.

Overall
I like the overall slumber party concept; Arachnos is such a deadly serious organization that juxtaposing them with a girly slumber party seems like it could have some potential. I liked the recurring characters and how they were used; I had actually been wondering why Susan never showed up in the middle missions, until I ran into her at the end.

However, I do think the plot could use work; the various things Kalinda sends the player to do seemed rather weakly motivated. Sometimes I was fighting the partiers and sometimes I was trying to interact with or help them, which left me unclear on whether I was supposed to be a happy slumber party attendee, or a mean bully that is trying to ruin the party. (I probably beat up more of the partygoers than the Freak party crashers actually did.) IMHO, the story would be stronger if you more clearly define whether the player is friends with the partiers (and thus should not attack them, instead maybe rescuing them from party crashers) or enemies (in which case ruining the party makes sense, but stopping the other party crashers would not).

The overall plot of the arc could stand to be tightened up a bit also; I'm not quite sure it makes sense to beat up the party planners at the beginning (though this is how Susan becomes disgruntled, it doesn't quite make sense why the player is doing that), and I kind of think the party itself should be in a single mission, rather than split over two missions.

I think Kalinda's connection to the whole slumber party story feels rather distant, since she wasn't even invited to the party and has no knowledge of it other than having a vaguely uneasy feeling about something happening in the future. I'd suggest that you either more closely tie her into the story, or use one of the named Party Widows as the contact.

Also, Susan's "drive for petty revenge" didn't quite add up though -- why would she take revenge on the Arachnos partiers (presumably her friends, since she was a party planner) and not directly try to take revenge against me, the person who beat her up? Susan is depicted as a very junior member of the Arachnos organization, how is it that she has all these Freakshow working for her?

In terms of story, I wonder if it might make more logical sense if a named Party Widow were your contact, and the Big Bad guy were someone like Clamor or Crash Cage or Ice Mistral, who was miffed over not being invited. This might be too much of a change to your original concept though; it's up to you.

The "pajama" costumes for the Arachnos partygoers were pretty funny, but I think you need some more funny dialog and clues to help support the comedy.

Anyway, with these various problems in mind, I felt I could only give the arc 2 stars; I do think it needs a bit more work. Sorry about that!

---

My queue is currently:

@Mr Squid - The Descender #339222
Zaphir - The Coldest of Wars #299972
The_Cheshire_Cat - Captain Skylark Shadowfancy and the Tomorrownauts of Today #337333
@Djinniman - arc to be named later
Bubbawheat - Matchstick Women #3369 re-review

I didn't catch the in-game tell but I do see this here. While I am disappointed in the actual rating, I respect the critique itself and I'll have to see what I can fix from it.

I might as well get my new arc in line for review:

Golden Age Secret of the Paragon Society (Arc 344596)

I am interested ti see what you think about my first non-humor arc.


WN