I'll try yours if you'll try mine
By
5th_Elemental,
Posted on: 2009-04-10 13:04 in Mission Architect
I certainly understand your concern about focus, but I suspect that because I have left you confused about the story, you don't understand the importance of those 'simulations'.
For the record, I did not intend for you to think that Clifford was the bad guy. The errors that he put into the simulations where not the real problem, which is how you interpreted them. Those errors were just to give the beta tester reason to say "Hey! This simualtion isn't ready yet!" (which would buy time continue the investigation)
The real problem with the simulator was revealed in Mission 3. The real problem is that somebody was using the Simulator to addict the users.
To convey the idea of addicition I don't think that I can just rely on clues, rather I will have to tell them directly that this is what is happening.
Overall I will have to connect the dots more directly.
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 1, The Beta Tester
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 2, The Robot Mystery
More Info at....
https://boards.cityofheroes.com/show...0#Post13494207
[ QUOTE ]
For the record, I did not intend for you to think that Clifford was the bad guy. The errors that he put into the simulations where not the real problem, which is how you interpreted them. Those errors were just to give the beta tester reason to say "Hey! This simualtion isn't ready yet!" (which would buy time continue the investigation)
The real problem with the simulator was revealed in Mission 3. The real problem is that somebody was using the Simulator to addict the users.
To convey the idea of addicition I don't think that I can just rely on clues, rather I will have to tell them directly that this is what is happening.
Overall I will have to connect the dots more directly.
[/ QUOTE ]
That's cool. I did get the idea that Clifford was deliberately delaying the release of the Hero Simulator software in order to "buy time" for something, but it was unclear how the player running through the "buggy" missions really contributed to the investigation. From your further explanation here, it sounds like the player is meant to debrief "Clifford's boss" off-screen about how buggy it is and stuff; this wasn't really clear to me when I ran through it, though.
Also, if this is the case, I think some hero players may have an issue with deliberately defrauding "Clifford's boss" in this manner? Since basically you'd be colluding with Clifford to falsify the tests - that might be viewed as unheroic, unless you can provide some really compelling reason why it is necessary.
One way you might be able to work through this is to make "Clifford's boss" the contact, which would let you have the briefings and debriefings "on screen" and more visible to the player. Then have "Clifford" be an NPC that you don't start out knowing, but gradually feeds you clues within the virtual simulation as to what is going on. This would mean the player would start out really being a beta tester, instead of colluding with Clifford to pretend the tests fail, and would let the "boss" more visibly do the scenery-chewing that is currently indirectly referenced by Clifford's current debriefs.
Anyway, just some random ideas - hope some of this helps, but ultimately it's up to you what you'd like to do with it.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Power Play review (arc id 187269)
The premise isn't clear from the arc description, maybe you're fighting some hero? But it seems to involve villainous monologuing. The level range confused me a bit, with 3 missions at 1-54 and one mission at 8-20. With the 8-20 mission, I tried to play a 10 SS/SR brute; will see whether this proves a mistake.
Mission 1
Briefing: A pretty good briefing, written in character for the contact, Dr. Aeon, who wants me to go check out a rival mad scientist's laboratory to see what he's up to.
Inside the mission: neat objectives in the nav tool. Found some custom robots and a nice clue in the form of Doctor Creed's journal.
The robots seem a little generic, all named similarly with similar powers and slightly different numbers, so not much to distinguish them. They are a little hard for my 10 brute (although, all custom mobs probably are), so at this point I decide to switch to a 31 brute. That 8-20 mission is kinda deceptive, I think; the custom mobs are a little too tough for an 8-20 IMHO.
So I restarted the arc on my 31 brute. This makes the custom robots much more doable.
Early part of the mission seemed quiet as there was nothing but robots with no dialog (though I did find the 2 clues near the front). Both Creed and the VAL prototype were spawned in the final room, and they seemed pretty good. You might consider adding some kind of detail near the beginning of the mission where some of the other VAL robots get a chance to talk.
I like that Doctor Creed tries to turn you to his side when you "interview" him. 
it would be cool if I could actually go turncoat and sell out Dr Aeon. Not sure if that is doable though.
I like the mission exit popup, where "I" intentionally decide to withhold some info from Dr. Aeon as part of "my" master plan...though I'm not quite sure what "my" master plan is yet.
Debriefing: Aeon mentions HAL X-34, which is probably the heroic version of VAL, but this isn't mentioned in the clues at all. I am guessing VAL must be based on HAL, but you might add info to this effect in either the VAL Project Files or VAL Prototype clue.
Mission 2
Briefing: Pretty good briefing, sending me to look for info on HAL.
Mission entry popup: apparently "I" sent a message to Doctor Creed! Hmm, maybe "I" *am* selling Aeon out. I think maybe this needs to be made a little more clear somewhere though; at this point I don't know what "I" asked Doctor Creed to do.
Aha, I found a VAL bot ally to help me. I guess she is part of my master plan? Rescuing her maybe should trigger a clue explaining why she's there. I am guessing I have secretly allied with Dr. Creed somehow.
I like the Longbow dialog and the Computer technician's techy talk.
Debriefing: Hmm, so Aeon basically took out Doctor Creed while I was doing my mission; not sure how this affects my apparent conspiracy with Doctor Creed. Could use some explanation of how this affects "my" plan.
Mission 3
Briefing: OK, for some reason Aeon needs some clockwork to help his robot research. I'm not quite sure what my angle is, here. For what it's worth, I don't think clockwork use the same sort of technology as other robots; I think they're somehow psychic projections of the Clockwork King's mind. The fact that this mission is level limited to 8-20 is rather awkward too. May I suggest using Rogue Robots here instead?
Inside the mission: Aha! I don't go after the Clockwork at all, but instead "my" plan is to rescue Dr. Creed from ... Goldbrickers? I think the official canon is that Aeon hates the Goldbrickers and King Midas because they're committing crimes in Aeon City, so I'm not sure they make sense as Dr. Aeon's lackeys.
The mission is so small that the level 20 limit isn't that bad after all. I like the "Modified key card" clue that I got, I think when I freed Dr. Creed.
Mission 4
Briefing: I like how Dr. Aeon is responding to the fact that somehow Dr. Creed got freed. My guess is that most of this briefing is irrelevant because I won't actually do what Aeon asks, I'm to go attack Aeon in his own lab. This being the case, I'm not sure it is useful to highlight parts of Aeon's briefing in red text, since it isn't going to be important.
I do like the "Coup de Grace" mission title though.
Inside the mission: I'm puzzled as to why the VAL Constructs are enemies now. Aren't I allied with Dr. Creed, and consequently VAL?
I'm not sure why "plant the virus" is my objective. What virus? I guess this is part of "my" plan that I .. uh .. didn't tell me about. Interesting clue that I got from planting it though.
Now my objective has changed to "Spring the trap!" but I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do; do I find and click a Trap glowie? Or I beat up Dr. Aeon? Probably need more guidance from the story here.
Searching the mission, I find Dr. Aeon and battle him; I was worried I'd have to face the AV Dr. Aeon, but was relieved to find he was just a lieutenant. (Maybe he's a custom that looks just like Dr. Aeon.) I like his dialog and his moment of realization that I'm backstabbing him!
And now I need to defeat VAL, who I guess has gone haywire. I'm not quite sure WHY it is necessary to defeat VAL though. I suggest you have Dr. Aeon give some sort of clue explaining further how VAL has gone haywire, and maybe some text motivating why you need to go after her? Aeon does have some good dialog about this, but I think reinforcing it with a clue would be helpful.
I found VAL-X3 and fought her. I liked her dialog. I actually kind of wanted to let her go, all she wanted was to be free; but there wasn't really any way to do that because she was a required objective for the arc.
Mission exit popup: This doesn't quite ring true... "part of me had hoped he'd actually succeed, and that I could have an army of loyal VAL androids" ... surely breaking into Dr. Aeon's lab and assassinating him was guaranteed to make him fail? Or perhaps the idea is that I would steal the controls from Dr. Aeon somehow. "Except VAL-X3, she is more like a Frankenstein's monster" should probably be "Except VAL-X3, she was more like Frankenstein's monster". Unless you are intentionally referring to VAL-X3 in the present tense, which is possible since your next line refers to "her on the loose"....but this is kind of a continuity error because I just smashed VAL-X3 in the mission.
Debriefing: OK, this explains a little more about how VAL-X3 "survived", but considering I don't see it until somewhat after the mission exit popup, the mission exit popup is still confusing. I find the fact that Dr. Aeon considers VAL his "daughter" to be rather squicky and also a little weird because previously it was established that VAL thought Dr. Creed was her "father". Perhaps this makes sense if we consider VAL-X3 to be different than Dr. Creed's VAL, but if this is intended, maybe Aeon's robot should be named something else entirely to emphasize it's not the same model any more.
Souvenir is actually very nice and explains a lot of the stuff about "my" plan that I found confusing during actual gameplay.
Overall
I really like the premise, in which you are betraying the contact rather than the more typical instance where the contact betrays you. I like how you are playing Dr. Aeon and Dr. Creed against each other for much of the arc, and I like the idea of trying to steal an army of VAL robots and the fact that VAL becomes self-aware. The dialog and characterization were quite good.
However, I didn't like that I was kind of in the dark as to what "my" plan was, for much of the story arc. I could catch an occasional glimmer of what "my" master plan was, but I think you really need to make it clearer what the players master plan is somehow - perhaps by use of clues reinforcing what "the player" is thinking about doing, or even adding non-Aeon related text to the briefings, perhaps italicized or colored differently to show it's internal monologue and not Aeon monologue. I think some more explanation and/or guidance as to what "the plan" is would be an improvement.
The fact that mission 3 was a lowbie Goldbricker mission kinda threw me off, too; the custom mobs in the other missions were too hard for my lowbie brute, while mission 3 was kinda low for my higher level brute. You might consider using a higher level enemy group for mission 3, and/or reducing the difficulty of the custom VAL robots (they seemed to have force fields, kinetics and electric blast, which all are potentialy nasty). I don't think it makes sense for Goldbrickers to be working for Dr. Aeon anyway.
I also kinda wish that VAL X-3 were not a required objective in the final mission. Partly this is because I sympathized with her, but partly because even for a hardened villain, there's no obvious percentage in beating up VAL X-3 after you find out from Dr. Aeon that she won't work as a loyal slavebot. I think that either she should be made an optional objective, or else there should be more motivation for defeating her (perhaps you want to steal valuable cybernetic parts from her chassis or download her AI for later analysis or something). Right now it seems like you defeat her just because she's there. If you do make her optional, perhaps you could add a glowie or two of "loot" the player can steal after defeating Dr. Aeon -- you're in Dr. Aeon's lab and have just beat him up, I bet there's lots of tech goodies that would be worth stealing.
This would also help address another problem with the ending, which is basically that the player loses -- her mad plan to play Creed and Aeon against each other, while cool, ultimately fails and the player is left with nothing to show for it. I kinda think the player should end up with something, even if it's just some stolen tech junk. Possibly you could make this tech junk stolen from Dr. Aeon the seed of a new master plan -- giving it a certain symmetry with the theft of the VAL technology from Dr. Creed at the start of the arc. Or alternatively if you can figure out a way for the player to work out an arrangement with VAL X-3 and "let" her go, you could perhaps receive some reward or occasional help from VAL X-3 herself.
Some of these suggestions might change your story more than you'd like, so ultimately it's up to you.
I did enjoy the arc and thought it had a neat premise. I gave it 4 stars.
-----
I owe a review to:
Graeve_Digger - Hero Simulator Ch2 172468
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thank you for the thorough review. You've pointed out some areas where this arc could use some improvement. You also seemed confused or missed some points that I hope I can clarify for you. Your "in-progress" style of review with a summary at the end is also helpful in identifying spots that are lacking. Some of the details you missed can be found in custom foe Info Descriptions as well as the objective completed texts.
[ QUOTE ]
The premise isn't clear from the arc description
[/ QUOTE ]
The arc description (you'll notice it's in quotes) is you, the character, speaking. There is no other way for me to put any text for the character before you initially meet Dr. Aeon. The arc description serves as to why you are meeting him. It also reveals that Aeon ain't no friend of yours and when you first meet him, you were, in fact, on your way to pummel him.
[ QUOTE ]
Aeon mentions HAL X-34, which is probably the heroic version of VAL, but this isn't mentioned in the clues at all. I am guessing VAL must be based on HAL, but you might add info to this effect in either the VAL Project Files or VAL Prototype clue.
[/ QUOTE ]
You're right on both counts. HAL is indeed heroic and VAL's precursor. I noticed that the only available reference to HAL in the first mission is in the Info Description for VAL P-1 (VAL Prototype). I'll find a way to squeeze in more info.
[ QUOTE ]
I think the official canon is that Aeon hates the Goldbrickers and King Midas because they're committing crimes in Aeon City, so I'm not sure they make sense as Dr. Aeon's lackeys.
....
I don't think it makes sense for Goldbrickers to be working for Dr. Aeon anyway.
[/ QUOTE ]
This is the official canon. (see debriefing)
[ QUOTE ]
Marshall Brass: Only one who could have done it is my boss, Dr. Aeon. He's been using the Goldbrickers to carry out thefts and attacks on his own. trading them technology for their services. Using them as his own secret mercenary force.
[/ QUOTE ]
Remember, throughout this entire arc, Aeon needs to keep the whole situation quiet. He can't use his usual Arachnos squads for this task, so he calls in the 'brickers to keep Creed on ice.
[ QUOTE ]
I'm puzzled as to why the VAL Constructs are enemies now. Aren't I allied with Dr. Creed, and consequently VAL?
[/ QUOTE ]
The VAL Constructs are spawned by VAL. In the first mission, the Constructs you face are spawns of Creed's VAL Prototype. In the final mission, you face the spawn of Aeon's VAL-X3. Yes, they are different models. They have different appearances and powersets. The Constructs they spawn are the same because Aeon didn't make any modifications to that part of Creed's AI program. The VAL Prototype and VAL-X3 are different incarnations.
[ QUOTE ]
Now my objective has changed to "Spring the trap!" but I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do; do I find and click a Trap glowie? Or I beat up Dr. Aeon? Probably need more guidance from the story here.
[/ QUOTE ]
This part is a little botched. Originally my plan was to secure Aeon from the hostile Constructs, lead him to the door, then betray with an ambush of friendly Constructs (sent by Creed) to back you up. I couldn't get this to really work in the MA correctly so after a few tries I just made it a defeat boss.
[ QUOTE ]
(Maybe he's a custom that looks just like Dr. Aeon.)
[/ QUOTE ]
Yes, he is custom. It was the only way to make him Boss level. Doctor Creed is also custom.
[ QUOTE ]
I didn't like that I was kind of in the dark as to what "my" plan was, for much of the story arc.
[/ QUOTE ]
You brought this up a few times. There is no "master plan" in the beginning. You want to get some payback on Aeon (explained in the first mission pop-up). When you start the arc, your character doesn't know what the VAL project is, so you can't really have a plan for it. As you play along and learn about VAL and decide to take control, you devise your plan on the fly. You're an opportunist. Most of the "my plan" information can be found in the mission entry and exit pop-ups.
[ QUOTE ]
the custom mobs in the other missions were too hard for my lowbie brute
[/ QUOTE ]
The VAL Constructs group has been mentioned before in other feedback and I'm currently working on a revamp. In groups, it seems the synergy of the differing powersets working together makes them quite formidable.
Those are some of the things you pointed out. I know that I need to make some adjustments here and there. The problem is that I'm already at the tip-top on file size. The changes to the ending you suggest might end up changing the arc too much. I will have to ponder that. In true comic book fashion, I always try to leave room for sequels, and I also have to return the status quo (I can't rightly go and kill off Creed or Aeon, that would break stuff).
Thank you again for playing my arc and for your review.
The Hero Simulator Chapter 2, The Robot Mystery! review (arc id 172468)
Sequel to The Hero Simulator Chapter 1. This arc is apparently to investigate a new robotics company. Level range is 30-41 neutral. I played a 32 SS/will brute. The contact appears to be a hero in a techy looking costume named Shockwave.
Mission 1
Briefing: The contact finds it suspicious that Crey has closed one of its facilities; I'm not quite sure why. Consider having the contact explain just a little more about why this action would be suspicious; a company shutting down an office doesn't seem inherently worthy of investigation, but if there were some other hints of wrongdoing, it could be believable.
I like how this mission doesn't seem to obviously depend on the player having played through Chapter 1, but is still sorta connected. "Have you tried the it yet" should be "Have you tried it yet".
The mission accept message is "Beta Hero? Lets prove that wrong!" which doesn't make sense in this context (maybe it is copied from the other arc).
Inside the mission: It's kinda cool that the Crey patrol is chatting about the Hero Simulator. Foreshadowing, I imagine.
"Crey Tech Force" has a description of just "Crey Lt" -- probably should have a proper description.
"Crey Gunner" has a description of just "Crey Minion 1" -- probably should have a proper description. His skin is kind of a yellow, jaundiced color, also; not sure if that was intentional.
"Crey Masher" has a description of just "Crey Minion 2" -- probably should have a proper description.
I'm not totally sure why you needed to make several custom Crey minions and lieutenants, since they already have a lot of standard Crey enemies. They seem okay, though the lieutenants with force fields worry me.
"Boxes of stuff" glowy has "Rumaging" on its progress bar, should be "Rummaging". "Evidence Required" also has "Rumaging" on its progress bar. Should maybe just be "Evidence" (no Required).
I got the "Supply Inventory" clue which says that the robotics parts are very expensive, which means the supply has dried up, and another buyer is cutting in on the action. I kinda like the idea of this clue, but I think it's a big leap of logic to say that "since they are expensive ==> therefore supply has dried up." It might make more sense to find this info out from an internal memo or email from a purchasing agent who tells the Crey purchasers that supply has dried up.
I found a trash can glowy named "and more Clues" ... probably it should be named "Trash can" or "Wastebasket". I like that an earlier patrol mentioned the garbage can, but I thought the dialog:
[NPC] Medic: You dropped that broken PDA in the garbage can right?
was a little contrived, might want to reword it to sound more natural. Maybe something like "Busted my darn PDA. Now I wish I had gotten the extended service plan! I had to throw it out." then have guy #2 say, "Wow, that's rough."
Mission exit popup: Needs a period after "uneventful".
Mission 2
Briefing: The contact says "According to the PDA, the competitor that is curring into their robotics supplies may need to be investigated." I can buy that the PDA is a clue leading me to the next mission, but it needs to be better motivated. The fact that some other company is buying parts in competition with Crey doesn't seem suspicious enough to be worthy of a hero investigating (or a villain checking it out; though the way this is pitched, it sounds more heroic than neutral). I'd recommend you make this clue more incriminating, to help provide more motivation for the next mission. It might also be nice if the contact would tell you the name of the competitor here; since Crey is listed by name, it would be reasonable to give the other company's name too.
Mission accept message is "No More Beta Hero/Villain jokes, I promise!" which makes no sense in this context. Something like "I'll check it out" or "Agree to investigate" would be more reasonable.
Second part of briefing: "Whoever this groups is" should be "Whoever this group is". And, shouldn't the PDA say who this other group is already, since Shockwave has decoded it?
Inside the mission:
[NPC] Researcher: Ok, lets bust some heads!
"lets" should be "let's" here.
Found a glowy file cabinet labeled "Mystery Clues", maybe should be labeled "File Cabinet" instead. It gave me an interesting Mission Statement clue. However, I'm rather skeptical of the idea that you could find a Mission Statement and not know what the name of the "mystery" company is; usually a Mission Statement is explicitly tied to a company's corporate identity. I think maybe you are trying to keep this company mysterious, but I really think the clues so far would've told us what the company's name is by now. You could, however, make the company name something extremely generic and meaningless sounding, like Amaglamated Inc., and it would still be rather mysterious as to what their motivations are.
[NPC] Team Leader: Ok, lets roll this place, and find out who is messin' with Crey!
"lets" should be "let's".
[NPC] Team Leader: Yes, I'm Canadian, how did you guess?
[NPC] Team Leader: Ok, ok, UNCLE!! Were are looking for important stuff in a crate below.
This is fun though I am not sure they actually "cry uncle" in Canada. Though I could be wrong. "Were" should be "We're", and "below" is technically false - I actually found the crate upstairs from where I found the Team Leader.
The team leader also gives me a clue named "Desk!" which says "they are after some high value information hidden in a desk" -- which contradicts the dialog saying they're looking for a crate, and the glowy IS in fact a crate. I'm guessing maybe it changed from a desk to a crate someplace and maybe this clue didn't get updated.
Smash Bot V1 has a description of "Hits hard", should probably have a more detailed description.
Breaking the crate caused the mission to end, and I simultaneously got the "Plans!" and "Plans Revealed!" clues. It looks like these will always be awarded at the same time, and they give similar information; you might consider merging these into one clue. I also think that you should perhaps outline some of the details of "the plan to create an addictive agent for a holographic simulator" that are described here. It's not clear how a "robotics company" would be involved with a "Holographic Simulator" since those aren't the same technology; and you might also want to go into more detail on the "addictive agent" -- explaining just what it is that they are doing to make it so addictive.
Debriefing: "definately" should be "definitely".
Mission 3
Briefing: The contact decodes more data from the PDA and suddenly says "based on this new information, the addictive agent storage unit will be moved in about an hour". Since the PDA was just junk laying in a wastebasket, it is a little hard to believe that it would have info so current that it needs to be acted on within an hour. Plus, it doesn't make sense that a Crey computer would have information on this addictive agent, which is being produced by another company (not Crey). You might consider having some other clue in mission 2 that gives the info out which leads to this mission.
Inside the mission, a "Storage Unit" is the very first thing I find, and isn't guarded by anything - seems suspiciously easy. But it turns out to just be a decoy. Oddly, this is communicated through dialog:
[NPC] Storage Unit: Dang, it sounds hollow!
[NPC] Storage Unit: Yup, it was empty all right!
and since Storage Units can't really talk, this is kinda weird. You might consider dropping the Storage Unit's lines.
I found "Clifford", who apparently was the evil mastermind behind everything. His description is just "Clifford the Engineer", and since he's such an important character, I really suggest you give him a more detailed background story. Also, I don't think he was an actual objective in my nav tool, but maybe should be; unless his objective name was something nonobvious that I missed.
[NPC] Clifford: Perhaps you are more than just a of B lister after all!
should drop the "of" between "a" and "B lister".
The "Upgraded Shock Bots" having both Aim and Short Circuit make them quite nasty, may want to be careful with them - got drained to 0 END even while I was solo. On a big team, a large spawn of these might be too nasty for the players.
The "Defeat of Clifford" clue, "Cliffords" should be "Clifford's". I'm afraid the fact that Clifford was really behind the whole thing makes me like part 1 even less but I don't mind it working out that way for part 2.
I found an "Addictive Storage Unit" ... if you meant for the other storage units to be decoys, probably it should be named "Storage Unit" like all the others. Unless you intentionally made the name different to make this stand out.
I found a destroyable desk and smashed it and got some "keys to the giant robot" which I "threw in the lava". But...what if my character WANTS a giant robot? It's just a joke I guess. Consider making the desk a clickable glowy, rather than destroyable, since most CoH desks are searched by clicking them, not breaking them.
Shockwave was the very last thing I found, at the very tip top of the robot scaffolding. The mission ended as soon as I rescued him. If you want him to be a helpful ally, you might want to place him near the "front" of the mission. Also his dialog was:
[NPC] Shockwave: uuuuuummmmph
[NPC] Smash Bot V1: Attack!! Attack!! Contacing home base....
[NPC] Shockwave: Ughh hmmph
[NPC] Shockwave: Thanks, they caught me by suprise. Did you destroy the agent?
I think "uuuuummmph" and "Ughh hmmph" are not really meaningful dialog, you might want to write something more talky there. For his last line, "suprise" should be "surprise".
"The Real Story!" clue has some nice explanation in it, but maybe some of it would be more appropriate for the final debriefing with the contact. Some of it may be puzzling to a player who hasn't done Chapter 1. "he was you using you" should be "he was using you".
I think the references to Clifford in general would be very confusing to someone who hasn't done Chapter 1. Although you can maybe hope that most people would do Chapter 1 before Chapter 2, you might want to name-drop Clifford's name a couple times in the earlier parts of this story arc just so he is established as a character (albeit a peripheral one) before he is revealed to be the big villain.
Debriefing: "apprent" should be "apparent".
Overall
I did think this part was better constructed than Chapter 1, and the story seemed to more logically flow from mission 1 to mission 2, and from mission 2 to mission 3. I liked that there was a LOT of stuff to do in the final mission, and that the clues and debriefing finally explained what was behind the whole story.
I do think the story could benefit some more from additional explanation of how the addictive agent works (I mean the whole Hero Simulator is virtual, so it's not like they can insert crack cocaine into it ... or CAN THEY?) and more background on the company that was Crey's competitor and making these robots. Most of the mobs could benefit from some additional background description, too. Maybe there could be more foreshadowing of Clifford being the big bad guy also; perhaps something linking Clifford to the alternate robot company (maybe he's an ex-employee).
Some additional motivation for why the original investigation into Crey (in mission 1) is necessary would be nice also, as well as maybe changing the hook that gets you into mission 3 to be something more plausible.
Anyway, I thought it was okay but could use some polishing and additional detail. I gave it 3 stars.
-----
I owe a review to:
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
@Bubbawheat - Matchstick Women #3369
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
With I15 going live, I'm going to pause reviewing for a couple days to give people a chance to fix their arc to work with I15. (And incidentally to give me time to fix MY story arcs to work with I15. Darn you devs! Why must you take my Prisoners faction away again!!)
I was 1 mission into "Aeon's Nemesis" as of last night; I'll resume with that arc after a couple days goes by. I'll probably restart the arc from the start to try and reduce potential problems.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thanks for the review PW, thorough as always. Thanks for the many suggestions. I will implement quite a few to make the story better.
Here are some comments that you can ponder.
Since this is a 2nd chapter, I carried the story as if it was 1 story, not 2.
I can understand why you don't think that investigating a Crey place that happens to be closing is all that interesting, but it is mentioned that there is nothing going on because everybody is going to AE to play the simulator. That is the hook or the motivation.
Why make custom Crey? Why not? It makes the mission more fun and challenging. That is basically the only reason I did that.
You seem to be very interested in the name of the company. I'm not sure why, because it doesn't matter to the story. Introducing a name for no reason other than to complicate things just didn't seem wise. I could add the company name in the description of the robots, that might be a good place to put it.
Nice catch on the PDA clue for mission 3. Clearly I mixed up who was the original owner of that PDA. OOps!
You wonder why the Stoage units talk? They don't talk, it is the character that is talking as they are breaking the storage units. Since you see the text as bubbles, they should appear in front of the character. Artistic license was used!
Your concern about the end drain is valid, but I got 1 starred because another previous player got knocked back repeatedly. You have to choose something appropriate, and let the players deal with the result and also accept the consequences.
Shockwave's groaning is to tell you that he is groggy form being captured. That is why the dialog is like that.
I can only hope that people play chapter 1 before chapter 2. If they do the reverse, I can't control that, so I had no intention of dealing with people that would do it this way. Authors are stuck with 5 missions to tell their tale and this one took 7.
Should I explain how an addicitve agent can be added to a holographich simulator? Heck, if somebody can make a holographic simulator, I'm sure it would be easy to add and addictive agent to it. I really didn't see a need to try to explain it. I'm no super villain ya know :-p
You don't like Clifford being the bad guy? I have good news...I have now stated to write an alternate ending, where Cliffords Boss, who gets a lot of mention in Arc 1 now, is the bad guy, but in a different manner.
For what it's worth, this whole story is my attempt to explain what happened when Issue 14 came out. If you recall, when I14 arrived, everybody disappeared into AE buildings, and the streets were left clear. I thought it was really wierd to see all the streets completely devoid of players. When the patch to remove the farming exploits was added, things came back to normal.
My version of history is that a techie at AE discovered that adding a chemical agent to the simulator would addict the users. This is why people disappeared. When the player tracks down Clifford, the AE goes back to normal, and the Heroes return to the streets.
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 1, The Beta Tester
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 2, The Robot Mystery
More Info at....
https://boards.cityofheroes.com/show...0#Post13494207
Aeon's Nemesis review (arc id 161865)
The premise is that you're helping Marshal Brass with something related to the Architect system itself. Red side, level range seems around 30-50 with some variations. I did the first mission before I15, but after I15 I restarted the arc to try and avoid patch issues. I played a 33 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: A pretty good briefing where the contact implies he has doubts about the effectiveness of Mission Architect as a tool for training Arachnos forces, but can't outright say that as it would contradict official policy. But he wants me to test it out on an unofficial basis. So the first mission is not "real", but is a simulation. This is a pretty similar premise to The Hero Simulator: The Beta Testers, only from red side; we'll see how it goes.
The mission itself seems decently crafted, though not unusually special aside from the Vanguard, who are pretty nasty opponents due to their debuffs; a group of 6ish of them managed to drop me once. They seem to be standard PvE Vanguard though, so I can't really complain.
I like the guest appearance by Fusionette. Her dialog is pretty good, though I almost think she sounds more competent than usual.
Debriefing: it doesn't sound like we learned anything from this test; the Architect Mission inside the Architect Mission seemed to be working fine. "Lead by Fusionette" should probably be "Led by Fusionette".
Mission 2
Briefing: Another Architect test, it seems, only this time with a randomly generated "extreme" threat. Not quite sure what I'm getting into from the briefing, but...it's just a test?
Mission title: "Find the Protoype" probably should be "Find the Prototype". But then, the briefing does not mention a prototype at all, so this may not make sense as a mission title anyway. Perhaps consider changing this to "Perform Extreme Test" or "Stop Threat to Rogue Isles" or something else that fits what the contact told us.
OK, entering the mission, the mission popup does a better job of explaining why I need to Find the Proto(t)ype.
Ran into some "Techticians"; I initially thought they were spelled wrong, but it seems the Techticians are some kind of generic mercenaries. There's a lot of already-existing mercenary factions that probably could've been used (for example, Sky Raiders or KoA or Malta). I like the dialog given to their patrols though.
When searching the safe glowies, I get a lot of messages like:
You begin cracking the safe.
You find nothing of interest in the safe.
You begin cracking the safe.
You find nothing of interest in the safe.
You begin cracking the safe.
The prototype is not here!
The last safe triggered the spawn of the prototype (I think), but "The prototype is not here!" is actually true of all the previous safes as well. The "Pogodyne Requisition Order" does explain why this safe is different, but you might change "The prototype is not here!" to something like "You find paperwork indicating the prototype has been moved!" or something similar.
In the nav tool, "Locate the protoype" should be "Locate the prototype". I understand why I need to locate the prototype now, but it's unclear why "Defeat the director" has suddenly become an objective after cracking the safe.
I found the "Director of Mercenary Resources" and fought him; he had some fun dialog. The mission ended as soon as I defeated him though, despite my never accomplishing the "Locate the protoype" objective. I thought that was odd until I read the "Field Test Authorization" clue from defeating the Director, which explains where the prototype went. You might consider striking the last sentence, "You could always get in the old fashioned way and steal the prototype", I think that would make more sense in the debriefing or next briefing than in a clue.
Debriefing: This does seem to explain why custom Techticians were used instead of Sky Raiders, so I'll withdraw that earlier complaint. "But that is probably the how a Nemesis plot should work" -- drop the extraneous "the" after "probably".
Mission 3
So I'm sent to a Council base to find this prototype and uncover the Nemesis plot.
The mission portrays a pretty nice battle between the invading Techticians and the Council. Patrols and battles help set the tone.
Found an ECM Master Tech who I think was the Techtician boss. In his description, "sohpisticated" should be "sophisticated". A Nemesis ambush attacked me during this fight (apparently hoping to catch me while distracted) and when I beat the ECM Master Tech, he had dialog like a computer program that crashed. Hmmm, interesting.
I still had the "Find the prototype" objective after defeating the ECM Master Tech, until I found a stray Techtician from his group and defeated him, at which time I got the "Deleted!" clue. You might consider making this "only boss needed" to complete this objective.
The "Deleted!" clue indicates I pick up the prototype, but it wasn't really clear that the ECM Master Tech was carrying the prototype (though I assume this was the case). You might consider adding an extra line (to the clue or to the dialog) indicating this.
I now need to "Find the source of the anomaly", forcing me to search the Council base again, which is kind of a pain. Interestingly, a lot of Nemesis patrols have spawned behind me, though. I eventually found a Nemesis Warhulk that told me that I had outlived my usefulness, and defeating him completed the mission. I'm not quite sure why he was more of an anomaly than the other Nemesis patrols, but I guess this works. I wonder if he should maybe be a Fake Nemesis instead?
Debriefing: I like the stuff he says here. The last paragraph sounds more like the set up for the next mission than anything else; consider moving that text to the next mission's briefing? Other players on the team (besides the leader) won't be able to see this debriefing.
Mission 4
Briefing: This kinda threw me for a loop initially; Dr. Aeon has been kidnapped, but the contact doesn't want me to go rescue him. Instead he wants me to break into Aeon's office (I guess while he's out). This made some sense (in terms of villain infighting) after I thought about it some, but I found the way the briefing presents this mission to be a little confusing.
Second part of the briefing explains the motivation a lot better.
Mission entry popup: "No one seems to noticed your arrival yet" should be "No one seems to have noticed your arrival yet".
Map selection: a standard "office" map is used to represent "Aeon's Office"; but since Aeon is a mad scientist, I kinda think it would make more sense to use a scientific lab map for his private office.
"AES MAinframe" should perhaps be "AES Mainframe" (note capitalization).
I found "A Perfectly Safe Bomb" guarded by two FRIENDLY Arachnos minions. This was a fun sight gag, and the guards had great lines. But I could not figure out any way to interact with this bomb; I can't attack it or click it, and I can't attack its guards. I ended up leaving it.
I like the Professor Echo dialog, which really gave the impression that he knew everything, yet was rather befuddled by knowing too much.
Haha, I like the fun messages from the glowies, particularly "This was a project to clone Blue Steel. Aeon abandoned it when he realized Blue Steel never bleeds." You might consider putting the message text into actual clues tied to the various glowies, just for fun. The game text they generate is easy to miss in the other game text spam, and also is not visible to players other than the one who clicked it.
"Teh Stun Meister" maybe should be "t3h Stun M31st3r".
I've now cleared the whole office but can't find the last experiment. I'm now thinking that "A Perfectly Safe Bomb" is, in fact, the last experiment. But I can't destroy the bomb, I think because I have to aggro its guards to interact with it; and I can't attack the guards, because they are tagged friendly.
I spent some time puzzling over this and could not figure out how to get past. I think that this mission is uncompletable as it stands. I suggest changing the Bomb's guards to be hostile; they ARE Arachnos, and all other Arachnos in this mission were hostile to me.
I feel like I have to quit the arc at this point, but this seems like some sort of bug, so I'm leaving the arc unrated for now.
-----
I owe a review to:
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
@Bubbawheat - Matchstick Women #3369
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue review (arc id 163967)
Premise appears to be to stop a conspiracy against a local restaurant. Level range is 1-54 heroic; I played a 33 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: The contact is the daughter of the restaurant owner, and she wants me to go rescue her dad. This immediately reminds me of Penelope Yin's story, but in fairness, I'm sure there are lots of store owning dads who need rescuing.
I like the way you have the captions for the mission briefings in bold yellow text, that really makes it stand out.
"sabatoge" should be "sabotage".
The "casino" map seems an odd choice, but the contact did say that her dad was being held in "the casino hosting the restaurant". The map seems full of hostile "KCCC Employees", but I have no idea what KCCC is. The "info" on the minions doesn't tell me anything either; maybe would be a good place to put some explanation of who the KCCC are.
"Refridgerater" should be "Refrigerator".
After encountering some more KCCC Employees, their appearance and names make me think they must work for a villainous fast food restaurant.
Rescuing Mr Rider completed the mission; didn't seem to be a whole lot to this mission. I like the mission exit popup, though, with all its cheesy food preparation references.
Debriefing seems much too short. The "thank you" is nice, but it would be nice to have more info on what happened, who the KCCC are, why they kidnapped Mr Rider, etc.
Mission 2
Briefing: "Disasta Recipe" is mentioned as a villain here, but has not been mentioned before; the briefing should perhaps introduce her more fully, and explain a little about who this person is.
Mission title "Defeat Disasta Recipe" is exactly the same as the objective, "Defeat Disasta Recipe". You might rename the mission title to "Save the warehouse" or something, just to avoid repetition.
Map selection: I'm supposedly going to a food supplier warehouse, but the map appears to be the rave dance hall. While this is technically a warehouse, it doesn't look right for a place that would presumably be supplying the rib restaurant.
I found Disasta Recipe, and in her info I finally find out what KCCC standards for: King Colonel's Chicken & Cake fast food. Great name, but needs to be mentioned earlier. Probably more of the KCCC Employee descriptions should reference their employer, too.
[NPC] Disasta Recipe: I can't fail my father. I just can't!
Am I supposed to know who her father is? Is it supposed to be King Colonel? It's not mentioned in her info - I had the impression she's just another employee of KCCC.
The contact mentioned destroying any "strange food containers" in this mission, but I didn't see any. Also, she said that this is a supplier taken over by Disasta Recipe; why aren't there any employees of this supplier around? Maybe should be a few hostages to rescue, objects to destroy or glowies to click. As it is, all I had to do was defeat Disasta Recipe's group to complete the mission.
"Family Rivalry" clue, "Apparantly" should be "Apparently".
Debriefing: "upfront" should be "up front". The debriefing is pretty funny, actually; apparently King Colonel is a radioactive chef.
Mission 3
Briefing: So Mr Rider is being kidnapped, again. This would seem to duplicate mission 1, but the contact says I should run into the big bad guy here. Also Disasta Recipe has broken out of prison (already! gah) and may show up too.
Inside the mission, I link up with Tira Rider (the contact). She's a minion two levels lower than me...eep. Not sure I can keep her alive; fortunately, it's not a requirement. On the bright side, she won't be stealing the glory.
Fighting more of the KCCC Employees with fire and ice powers, I am struck by how much they remind me of Outcasts. You might consider having as part of your back story that King Colonel's employees are mostly former Outcast gang members; maybe adjusting their costumes to match. Up to you; I think it would be cool to tie them closer to an existing CoH faction though.
Consider giving the Cleaver mob the Hatchet, Impervium Axe or Roman Axe A as weapon? I think one of those would look more like a meat cleaver than the Lumberjack's Axe she's currently using.
I like the little crown you gave King Colonel. In his description, "A violent chef who's mere touch" should be "A violent chef whose mere touch". I am not quite sure why he thinks kidnapping Mr Rider will actually make people eat at King Colonel's Chicken and Cake; the story has previously established that KCCC was shut down because of health code violations (due to his radiation powers), not due to competition with the Rib Shack. So taking out the competition wouldn't really help.
Thinking about it, "Mr Rider" may not be the right thing to call Tyrone Rider. Since King Colonel is Tyrone Rider's brother, he could just as easily be called Mr Rider, too.
[NPC] King Colonel: Don't think you've won, Mega. Employees, a raise to whoever takes this pathetic Brute down!
Nice dying message. I'm quite surprised this dialog didn't trigger an ambush, though; it really sounds like it should.
I like that Disasta Recipe spawns in the path back to the door, but she really didn't have much to say except
[NPC] Disasta Recipe: So long suckers!
...which sounds like a running-away message. I think she needs more dialog. Maybe she could be mad about how you defeated her dad, or say something about how awesome KC Chicken and Cakes are.
Mission exit popup: I like this message and how it tells you what the eventual fates of King Colonel and Disasta Recipe are. "thank you for this showing of mercy" should be maybe "thank you for this display of mercy".
Debriefing: "a honorable thing" should be "an honorable thing".
Souvenir: "Golden Spork" is a great souvenir name. "memento" should be "momento", though, and "distateful" should be "distasteful".
Overall
I like the set up of the final mission, where you beat up King Colonel, causing Tyrone Rider to appear, and then you need to lead Tyrone Rider out of the mission with Disasta Recipe blocking the way. I thought the first two missions were a little too simplistic though (rescue 1 hostage, defeat 1 boss) and needed to have more details of interest in them.
For a mission about the Ribs Restaurant, I thought there was a shocking lack of ribs, or food of any sort, within the missions. I'd suggest adding lots more references to the yummy ribs and the awful chicken & cake, to help better establish the setting for your story arc. Maybe there should be non-required glowies in mission 1 giving a "Yummy Barbecued Ribs" clue, and non-required glowies in misson 3 giving "Radioactive Fried Chicken" and "Radioactive Cupcake" clues.
You might also add a few restaurant patrons as hostages in mission 1, and warehouse workers as hostages in mission 2.
I like the rivalry that is set up between KCCC and the Rib Restaurant, but I think the player needs to learn what the KCCC is much earlier, like in mission 1 where you first start encountering KCCC employees. Perhaps you could add to their background info, or add patrols with dialog that expositions about how King Colonel is going to be reopening his restaurant soon.
Also, King Colonel repeatedly kidnapping Tyrone Rider actually doesn't seem like it helps his restaurant business; especially since the KCCC restaurant was apparently shut down due to reasons unrelated to Rider's Ribs Restaurant. I like the rivalry between the two restaurants, but the motivation for the kidnapping needs some work.
Anyway, with all that in mind, I gave this story arc 3 stars. Hope you think that is fair!
-----
I owe a review to:
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
@Bubbawheat - Matchstick Women #3369
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
[ QUOTE ]
Aeon's Nemesis review (arc id 161865)
The premise is that you're helping Marshal Brass with something related to the Architect system itself. Red side, level range seems around 30-50 with some variations. I did the first mission before I15, but after I15 I restarted the arc to try and avoid patch issues. I played a 33 SS/will brute.
...
I've now cleared the whole office but can't find the last experiment. I'm now thinking that "A Perfectly Safe Bomb" is, in fact, the last experiment. But I can't destroy the bomb, I think because I have to aggro its guards to interact with it; and I can't attack the guards, because they are tagged friendly.
I spent some time puzzling over this and could not figure out how to get past. I think that this mission is uncompletable as it stands. I suggest changing the Bomb's guards to be hostile; they ARE Arachnos, and all other Arachnos in this mission were hostile to me.
I feel like I have to quit the arc at this point, but this seems like some sort of bug, so I'm leaving the arc unrated for now.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thank you for the partial review, PW! I don't know why you couldn't finish mission 4: it was working properly as of my test run on Tuesday. The Perfectly Safe Bomb is entirely optional. You can "complete" it by dragging a hostile mob into aggro range of the bomb, but that's just for humorous effect. I know it's a clunky mechanic with the guards as 'allies,' but it felt wrong to have them attack the bomb themselves.
As for the actual requirements, Mission 4 requires finding 9 Experiments to finish. 1 is freeing Teh Stun Meister, the other 8 are glowies around the map. I've never had an object fail to spawn on that map, but I've only tried it twice since the I15 changes.
I don't know if you plan to finish the arc anytime soon, but I'll respond to your comments on my feedback thread to keep this one clear. Thanks again for playing, and I'm sorry it didn't work out so well.
-D
Darkonne: Pinnacle's (unofficially) mighty Dark Miasma/Radiation Blast enthusiast!
Be sure to check out this mighty Arc:
#161865 - Aeon's Nemesis
It seems to me that objectives not spawning happen across the board, but are very infrequent. Most of the times whenever I find an arc that has a missing spawn and mention it in feedback, I often get the reply "That's the first I've heard of a missing spawn" And I believe I've even had it happen in one of my arcs once. It's frustrating when it happens, and it's almost more frustrating because it happens so rarely that it's probably something very difficult to fix on the Dev's end.
Celebrity Kidnapping, #1388, @PW, Lv30-40
I liked this a lot. Funny, with great customs and dialog, just the right length, and full of interesting events. Some suggestions below.
My Captain Dynamic arc 190069, is also 3 short missions. Hopefully you can give it a shot - it could definitely be funnier, currently I list it as Drama.
Cheers, airhead
You might add something to the dialogs crossing of the yard:
Convict: Wow, a riot! What are the odds of that?
Convict: Pretty high, actually.
Longbow Minigun: You think this riot might be a diversion for a break-out?
Longbow Flamethrower: Nah, they're probably just excited to see that Arachnos Flier.
The Paris dialog is great throughout. Also your (custom) prisoners, photographers and cameraman!
Mission 2 - I can't think of an I15 way to vary the vagabonds more, the suitable groups are all lower level. I liked Terry.
Mission 3 - Reporters very funny. If you have objective and file space, you might vary the dialog of the police officer bosses.
In final return message, change: You're back!, to: You're back? (to highlight surprise).
Arc: 379017: Outbroken See all your old friends in the Outbreak Tutorial sequel!
Arc: Coming Soon: The Incarnate Shadow Shard of Fire and Ice Mender Rednem needs you!
Massively.com opinion poll: Please Help Save CoH!
Thanks for the in-depth feedback. I'll try to note a few things.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission 1
Briefing: The contact is the daughter of the restaurant owner, and she wants me to go rescue her dad. This immediately reminds me of Penelope Yin's story, but in fairness, I'm sure there are lots of store owning dads who need rescuing.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'm new and hadn't done that story but I guess in ways it couldn't be avoided.
[ QUOTE ]
The "casino" map seems an odd choice, but the contact did say that her dad was being held in "the casino hosting the restaurant". The map seems full of hostile "KCCC Employees", but I have no idea what KCCC is. The "info" on the minions doesn't tell me anything either; maybe would be a good place to put some explanation of who the KCCC are.
"Refridgerater" should be "Refrigerator".
After encountering some more KCCC Employees, their appearance and names make me think they must work for a villainous fast food restaurant.
Rescuing Mr Rider completed the mission; didn't seem to be a whole lot to this mission. I like the mission exit popup, though, with all its cheesy food preparation references.
Debriefing seems much too short. The "thank you" is nice, but it would be nice to have more info on what happened, who the KCCC are, why they kidnapped Mr Rider, etc.
[/ QUOTE ]
The casino map is a sore point since it is the only way to get a restaurant in any form in the MA. I forcibly had the casino mentioned as a handwave for the lack of a standard restaurant/fast food place. I just recently discovered that the Longbow Officer casino also has a restaurant area and I think it's a little better laid out for my purposes. I'll have to test it out. The small size of the Lucky Six actually prevented any other objectives (except a boss that spawns right in front of the door...) so I might try to add an innocent bystander.
As far as "KCCC", King Colonel's Chicken & Cake is actually mentioned in the first clue that is received as soon as you rescue Mr Rider. It might be good to mention it in some of the employee bios but I'll have to make it flow a little better. Will probably expand the debriefing though.
"Refridgerater" was misspelled on purpose but I see it's a bad idea. At least one other person mentioned this misspelling to me so I'm entirely to blame for not heeding it. Got an idea for a better name that still retains the "er" suffix though I will fix my other typos.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission 2
Briefing: "Disasta Recipe" is mentioned as a villain here, but has not been mentioned before; the briefing should perhaps introduce her more fully, and explain a little about who this person is.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'll have to find the right way to do this. Tira really doesn't want to admit that it's her own family members doing this.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission title "Defeat Disasta Recipe" is exactly the same as the objective, "Defeat Disasta Recipe". You might rename the mission title to "Save the warehouse" or something, just to avoid repetition.
Map selection: I'm supposedly going to a food supplier warehouse, but the map appears to be the rave dance hall. While this is technically a warehouse, it doesn't look right for a place that would presumably be supplying the rib restaurant.
[/ QUOTE ]
Adding more to the warehouse will help it a lot. There's one really specific empty spot on the map that fits a spot for a rescue. I felt that the second mission was missing something but I couldn't place my finger on just what it needed. For reference, the last mission was originally on a different map and only had the boss fight against King Colonel with Tyrone Rider only mentioned in the debriefing so this has certainly been a work in progress that has improved vastly with people's feedback.
The map choice was originally going off the thought process of the enemies partying when they take over the warehouse but that concept sort of fell by the wayside. Plus this map and the map I originally chose for the third mission were done for an ill conceived coolness factor.
[ QUOTE ]
[NPC] Disasta Recipe: I can't fail my father. I just can't!
Am I supposed to know who her father is? Is it supposed to be King Colonel? It's not mentioned in her info - I had the impression she's just another employee of KCCC.
[/ QUOTE ]
That was also supposed to be subtly tying into the family rivalry aspect of the story. I was trying to expressly keep some of the details hidden and slowly reveal them over time.
[ QUOTE ]
The contact mentioned destroying any "strange food containers" in this mission, but I didn't see any. Also, she said that this is a supplier taken over by Disasta Recipe; why aren't there any employees of this supplier around? Maybe should be a few hostages to rescue, objects to destroy or glowies to click. As it is, all I had to do was defeat Disasta Recipe's group to complete the mission.
[/ QUOTE ]
It was actually a destructable instead of a glowy. May switch it so it is more obvious. I'll add a few warehouse workers after I find which warehouse map mirrors the layout.
[ QUOTE ]
Inside the mission, I link up with Tira Rider (the contact). She's a minion two levels lower than me...eep. Not sure I can keep her alive; fortunately, it's not a requirement. On the bright side, she won't be stealing the glory.
[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah did that on purpose. Wanted her to show up for story reasons but didn't want her to overshadow the player or become too much of a liability. It's pretty rare for her to last past the boss fight but it makes sense storywise since she's not really a full superhero.
[ QUOTE ]
Fighting more of the KCCC Employees with fire and ice powers, I am struck by how much they remind me of Outcasts. You might consider having as part of your back story that King Colonel's employees are mostly former Outcast gang members; maybe adjusting their costumes to match. Up to you; I think it would be cool to tie them closer to an existing CoH faction though.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'll have to research it a bit to see how well it fits as far as the backstory is concerned. I'm sticking with the outfits since not so subtle color coding allows the player to get an idea of what order to attack the enemies and can easily do it on the fly.
[ QUOTE ]
Consider giving the Cleaver mob the Hatchet, Impervium Axe or Roman Axe A as weapon? I think one of those would look more like a meat cleaver than the Lumberjack's Axe she's currently using.
[/ QUOTE ]
Fair enough. I'll have to experiment a bit.
[ QUOTE ]
I like the little crown you gave King Colonel. In his description, "A violent chef who's mere touch" should be "A violent chef whose mere touch". I am not quite sure why he thinks kidnapping Mr Rider will actually make people eat at King Colonel's Chicken and Cake; the story has previously established that KCCC was shut down because of health code violations (due to his radiation powers), not due to competition with the Rib Shack. So taking out the competition wouldn't really help.
[/ QUOTE ]
I may have to slightly tweak the wording there. Due to his jealousy there's a certain aspect of "If I can't be successful then you can't either!" to King Colonel's thought process. He is supposed to be mildly delerious so I may need to add that to his bio.
[ QUOTE ]
Thinking about it, "Mr Rider" may not be the right thing to call Tyrone Rider. Since King Colonel is Tyrone Rider's brother, he could just as easily be called Mr Rider, too.
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Quite perceptive, was waiting on that. You're either the first to notice that or the first to say it out loud. I might interchange "Tyrone Rider" and "Mr Rider" in parts since the "Mr" portion is supposed to be a sign of respect as opposed to calling him by his first name. Plus you don't know about King Colonel until later in the story.
[ QUOTE ]
[NPC] King Colonel: Don't think you've won, Mega. Employees, a raise to whoever takes this pathetic Brute down!
Nice dying message. I'm quite surprised this dialog didn't trigger an ambush, though; it really sounds like it should.
[/ QUOTE ]
I had to cut a true ambush due to way they spawn when there's multiple floors to the map. Even when set to Front, they spawn on the same floor and head straight for you without any chance for you to react. This is what spawns Disasta and I might be able to play with patrols if MA doesn't act stupid.
[ QUOTE ]
I like that Disasta Recipe spawns in the path back to the door, but she really didn't have much to say except
[NPC] Disasta Recipe: So long suckers!
...which sounds like a running-away message. I think she needs more dialog. Maybe she could be mad about how you defeated her dad, or say something about how awesome KC Chicken and Cakes are.
[/ QUOTE ]
The running is in reference to not wanting to go to prison again (I'm guessing your Brute's aggro prevented her from actually running like she's scripted to) but after thinking it over it does seem a little out of character since she is fiercely loyal to her father.
[ QUOTE ]
Overall
I like the set up of the final mission, where you beat up King Colonel, causing Tyrone Rider to appear, and then you need to lead Tyrone Rider out of the mission with Disasta Recipe blocking the way. I thought the first two missions were a little too simplistic though (rescue 1 hostage, defeat 1 boss) and needed to have more details of interest in them.
For a mission about the Ribs Restaurant, I thought there was a shocking lack of ribs, or food of any sort, within the missions. I'd suggest adding lots more references to the yummy ribs and the awful chicken & cake, to help better establish the setting for your story arc. Maybe there should be non-required glowies in mission 1 giving a "Yummy Barbecued Ribs" clue, and non-required glowies in misson 3 giving "Radioactive Fried Chicken" and "Radioactive Cupcake" clues.
You might also add a few restaurant patrons as hostages in mission 1, and warehouse workers as hostages in mission 2.
I like the rivalry that is set up between KCCC and the Rib Restaurant, but I think the player needs to learn what the KCCC is much earlier, like in mission 1 where you first start encountering KCCC employees. Perhaps you could add to their background info, or add patrols with dialog that expositions about how King Colonel is going to be reopening his restaurant soon.
Also, King Colonel repeatedly kidnapping Tyrone Rider actually doesn't seem like it helps his restaurant business; especially since the KCCC restaurant was apparently shut down due to reasons unrelated to Rider's Ribs Restaurant. I like the rivalry between the two restaurants, but the motivation for the kidnapping needs some work.
Anyway, with all that in mind, I gave this story arc 3 stars. Hope you think that is fair!
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This is the most in depth critique I have gotten so far and it will go a long way to improving the arc. It's been in a constant state of upgrade and transition since I originally turned it in for my final exam in May. The adding of a true Tyrone Rider escort + Disasta to the third mission really added more depth and most certainly helped my grade. Some of these fixes will be faster than others but I'll be working on this so I can add it back to the review list (if that's okay). In fact, considering the issues with that first clue, I'm wondering if you could possibly re-run the very first mission of the arc since it's short enough to look at that clue without too much effort. I'll make a point of not changing the first map yet so it can be completed faster and I did try to deliberately mention KCCC's true name early on. Then again, with how late it is I shouldn't be trying to change anything right now but still...
Re-ran Aeon's Nemesis to try and get through it. I kinda sped through the first 3 missions to try and get back to where I was before; it looked like some typos had been fixed since my last pass, but I did not look too carefully. Did get through the fourth mission this time, finding all 9 experiments -- though had a bad couple minutes running down the last one, the glowy whiteboard (it was hard for me to notice this object was a clicky - this may have been my problem last time too).
Mission 4 debriefing: I like Marshal Brass's wry catalogue of Aeon's wacky experiments.
Mission 5
Briefing: It's a little puzzling that we can't just shut down the simulation (physically pulling the plug, even) and have Aeon pop out, but for sake of the plot we need to accept this. Perhaps that would leave Aeon stranded in the simulation somehow. It's kind of handwaved that we have to go to the Shadow Shard (or the simulated Shadow Shard) to rescue Aeon.
Mission entry popup: I like the implied memory leak and the double meaning of "garbage collection" here.
Map selection: odd, the briefing made me think I'd be in the Shadow Shard, but it looks like a regular science lab.
After destroying the first jammer, I got the "Clear Signal" clue indicating that Aeon was free to escape. I think you meant for this to be awarded after both jammers are destroyed (the way collections currently award clues is kinda weird). Destroying the second jammer awarded no clue, but the objective changed to "Verify Aeon escaped".
Found and rescued Dr. Lane, a "valuable scientist". With the way this mission is set up, I am not sure if Dr. Lane is a "real" scientist or a "simulated" scientist. The clue he gives seems to imply he's "real" ... but a good simulation might give the same clue.... hmmm. Not sure. He does claim that SimNemesis kidnapped him, I guess as part of a SimNemesis plot.
I like the various clues from the computer terminals. It strongly implies that the Sims are going wild and planning on crossing over into the "real" world of CoH.
I found Dr. Aeon, who spawned as an EB for me. Although I'm there to rescue him, he attacks me for some reason! Apparently he thinks I'm one of the Sims. His dialog IS pretty funny though. I beat him up, which is apparently how to "free" him from the simulation (at least once the jammers were destroyed).
The research project Aeon and Nemesis are working on is really pretty cool.
Went on to defeat 'Nemesis', who apparently was a simulation of Nemesis. It was a pretty decent final encounter for the arc; I liked his dialog. The ambushes were potentially nasty, but seemed appropriate for the final boss fight.
Debriefing: You know, I half expected Marshal Brass to give me a debriefing as if I had just got back from mission 2 (the "extreme" test of Architect Entertainment), and to find out that everything in the last 4 missions was just "part of the simulation". Nevertheless, this is a pretty good debriefing; I like that it explains what happens to Aeon afterwards. Though it seems to imply that Architect Entertainment is shut down as a result of this investigation, until a safer version can be put in place; interesting, maybe this arc is meant to be "before" I14 officially released.
Overall
I really liked the dialog and characterization in this arc, especially of Brass, Aeon and even Fusionette. The briefings were well written and the various glowies and the clues were all quite nicely done too.
I was a little iffy on the plot; it was kinda neat but also very convoluted and at times it was very confusing as to what was "real" and what was "simulated". Perhaps this was intentional, though. The line grew very fuzzy when the Sims could break into the real world and kidnap real people, and when stuff like simulated jammers could block "real" mediports. There were some quite cool ideas presented too, though; I really liked the idea of the self-perpetuating hologram, and "simulated" Nemesis going out of control was actually a neat idea.
I'm a little puzzled as to whether "Nemesis" was purely a simulation or partly real. My guess is that the "Nemesis" threat was spawned in mission 2 as a result of the "extreme threat" difficulty settings that Brass had you set -- but if this is the case, the Nemesis forces should've been normal enemies in mission 3, part of the regular simulation. But, the Techtician boss's hard crash in mission 3, followed by Nemesis ambushes, strongly implied that Nemesis was not really part of the simulation, but was an "anomaly". This seems to send mixed messages which made me confused on what was "really" happening.
I had a lot of trouble with the hunt for 9 experiments in mission 4, which caused me to quit my second try on this arc (my first try was aborted by I15). I actually like the explanation and clues for each of the experiments, the fact that they are all different types of objectives, plus the fact that there are some decoy objectives (by this I mean the Perfectly Safe Bomb, which totally looks like an "experiment" but isn't), made finding all 9 of them rather frustrating for me. I might suggest either making Perfectly Safe Bomb one of the experiments (and providing a way to complete it) or else removing it so as to reduce confusion.
Also, on reflection, it seems that all of the problems in the story arc were self-inflicted: the "Nemesis" plot never would've materialized if I hadn't been sent to meddle with the simulation program, with difficulty set to "extreme", in mission 2. So most of the arc is really just correcting a mistake made by the player (admittedly, at Brass's behest). I don't really like that as a theme; it'd be nicer if the player had some sense of gaining something from completing this story arc, rather than just fixing something she broke. Brass does do a good job of trying to sell defeating Aeon and shutting down his pet project as an accomplishment, though, which is nice. I think I might be happier if you added a little something to reward the player here, maybe suggest that Brass deposits some money in your Swiss Bank account or something; since as it is, it's not clear that the player got anything out of doing this.
I'm really torn on what to rate this arc; I kinda want to rate it around 4.5, as I really like the dialog, the writing style and the ideas. I went back and forth a couple times on what to rate it, but eventually settled on 4 stars, mainly because even in hindsight I'm still a bit confused as to what exactly happened. Even now I am conflicted between mission 3, which suggests Nemesis was an "anomaly" in the simulation, and mission 5, which seems to imply Nemesis was "simulated all along". I think a certain amount of confusion between what's "real" and what's "simulated" is appropriate for this story, but these plot points actually seem to conflict with each other. You might consider reconciling these to be a little more consistent, and/or providing some clarification of what happened; perhaps after the fact, if you'd prefer to maintain some ambiguity about what's going on during the missions.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Map selection: odd, the briefing made me think I'd be in the Shadow Shard, but it looks like a regular science lab.
There are no Shadow Shard maps available. At all.
Current Blog Post: "Why I am an Atheist..."
"And I say now these kittens, they do not get trained/As we did in the days when Victoria reigned!" -- T. S. Eliot, "Gus, the Theatre Cat"
[ QUOTE ]
Re-ran Aeon's Nemesis to try and get through it. I kinda sped through the first 3 missions to try and get back to where I was before; it looked like some typos had been fixed since my last pass, but I did not look too carefully. Did get through the fourth mission this time, finding all 9 experiments -- though had a bad couple minutes running down the last one, the glowy whiteboard (it was hard for me to notice this object was a clicky - this may have been my problem last time too).
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Thank you very much for going all the way through the arc again, PW! I promise to put your comments to good use.
[ QUOTE ]
Mission 5
Briefing: It's a little puzzling that we can't just shut down the simulation (physically pulling the plug, even) and have Aeon pop out, but for sake of the plot we need to accept this. Perhaps that would leave Aeon stranded in the simulation somehow. It's kind of handwaved that we have to go to the Shadow Shard (or the simulated Shadow Shard) to rescue Aeon.
[/ QUOTE ]
It is, as you say, something of a handwave. In theory, Aeon has been digitized. If the simulation were completely shut down, he'd be effectively deleted. There's supposed to be a failsafe to let humans leave the AES at any time, but Nemesis found a way to disable it (hence the jammers you need to destroy). But Nemesis left other safeties running; the program won't end while a human is still inside, so he can sort of use Aeon as a hostage while he works. Brass alludes to this in his briefing. I was originally going to go into more detail, but between space limitations and story flow, I thought it best to just leave it as a handwave.
[ QUOTE ]
Map selection: odd, the briefing made me think I'd be in the Shadow Shard, but it looks like a regular science lab.
[/ QUOTE ]
Technically, you are in the (simulated) Shadow Shard. You're just in a traditional tech lab built in one of the caves. I'd love to use an actual Shadow Shard map, but none are available in the MA right now. In early development, I wanted to use the Ruladak cave map: it would be more unusual, and the fog would double as the poor render radius. But it felt awkward and the poor visibility got old fast.
So for now at least, you have to miss all the scenery. :-(
[ QUOTE ]
After destroying the first jammer, I got the "Clear Signal" clue indicating that Aeon was free to escape. I think you meant for this to be awarded after both jammers are destroyed (the way collections currently award clues is kinda weird). Destroying the second jammer awarded no clue, but the objective changed to "Verify Aeon escaped".
[/ QUOTE ]
Unfortunately, the clue will spawn as soon as you destroy either of the jammers, and there's not much I can do about that. The clue acknowledges that you might not have destroyed both of them, but I think the clue is useful enough to warrant leaving it.
[ QUOTE ]
Found and rescued Dr. Lane, a "valuable scientist". With the way this mission is set up, I am not sure if Dr. Lane is a "real" scientist or a "simulated" scientist. The clue he gives seems to imply he's "real" ... but a good simulation might give the same clue.... hmmm. Not sure. He does claim that SimNemesis kidnapped him, I guess as part of a SimNemesis plot.
[/ QUOTE ]
Dr. Lane is real; he is the programmer you found an e-mail from in Aeon's office back in Mission 4. I'll see if I can find a better way to indicate that, but I'm running out of text space for him.
[ QUOTE ]
I found Dr. Aeon, who spawned as an EB for me. Although I'm there to rescue him, he attacks me for some reason! Apparently he thinks I'm one of the Sims. His dialog IS pretty funny though. I beat him up, which is apparently how to "free" him from the simulation (at least once the jammers were destroyed).
The research project Aeon and Nemesis are working on is really pretty cool.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'm glad you liked it. I have to admit, Aeon was a hoot to write up. He monologues so well!
[ QUOTE ]
Debriefing: You know, I half expected Marshal Brass to give me a debriefing as if I had just got back from mission 2 (the "extreme" test of Architect Entertainment), and to find out that everything in the last 4 missions was just "part of the simulation". Nevertheless, this is a pretty good debriefing; I like that it explains what happens to Aeon afterwards. Though it seems to imply that Architect Entertainment is shut down as a result of this investigation, until a safer version can be put in place; interesting, maybe this arc is meant to be "before" I14 officially released.
[/ QUOTE ]
Hmmm. Not quite. Brass is deleting all copies of Aeon's simulator (and the servers that ran it), but that's not the same thing as the Architect system itself. Think of the simulator as a software emulator designed to run on the AE hardware.
I'll have to clarify that somehow.
[ QUOTE ]
Overall
I really liked the dialog and characterization in this arc, especially of Brass, Aeon and even Fusionette. The briefings were well written and the various glowies and the clues were all quite nicely done too.
[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks!
[ QUOTE ]
I was a little iffy on the plot; it was kinda neat but also very convoluted and at times it was very confusing as to what was "real" and what was "simulated". Perhaps this was intentional, though. The line grew very fuzzy when the Sims could break into the real world and kidnap real people, and when stuff like simulated jammers could block "real" mediports. There were some quite cool ideas presented too, though; I really liked the idea of the self-perpetuating hologram, and "simulated" Nemesis going out of control was actually a neat idea.
I'm a little puzzled as to whether "Nemesis" was purely a simulation or partly real. My guess is that the "Nemesis" threat was spawned in mission 2 as a result of the "extreme threat" difficulty settings that Brass had you set -- but if this is the case, the Nemesis forces should've been normal enemies in mission 3, part of the regular simulation. But, the Techtician boss's hard crash in mission 3, followed by Nemesis ambushes, strongly implied that Nemesis was not really part of the simulation, but was an "anomaly". This seems to send mixed messages which made me confused on what was "really" happening.
[/ QUOTE ]
The goal of the arc is to be confusing at first, and only gradually reveal what happened later on. It sounds like the first part was partially successful, but the latter part didn't work well.
I think the key fact that got lost is that after the simulator created SimNemesis, he became self-aware and hijacked the simulation for his own purposes - namely, to find a way to escape into the real world. The "Nemesis Plot" you play through in Missions 2 and 3 is a remnant of the original plot he was working on before he realized he was just part of a simulation. He left it running to occupy you long enough for his holograms to kidnap Dr. Aeon: if you had shut off the simulator too soon, SimNemesis would have been erased. Once he has Aeon (and Dr. Lane), he terminates that particular program and tries to capture you as well.
The reason you don't see any Nemesis troops until the end of mission 3 is, ironically, for clarity. I wanted to make it clear where the fake plot ended and the real plot began, and having the appearance of classic Nemesis troops coincide with the appearance of the actual Nemesis plot seemed like the best way to do that. I think that idea is still valid, and I don't want to clog the arc up with too much background explanation. But I'd say I need to make the nature of the simulator clearer before hand, and the fact that the rampant Nemesis seized control of the simulator clearer after the fact.
[ QUOTE ]
I had a lot of trouble with the hunt for 9 experiments in mission 4, which caused me to quit my second try on this arc (my first try was aborted by I15). I actually like the explanation and clues for each of the experiments, the fact that they are all different types of objectives, plus the fact that there are some decoy objectives (by this I mean the Perfectly Safe Bomb, which totally looks like an "experiment" but isn't), made finding all 9 of them rather frustrating for me. I might suggest either making Perfectly Safe Bomb one of the experiments (and providing a way to complete it) or else removing it so as to reduce confusion.
[/ QUOTE ]
Altering the Perfectly Safe Bomb is tricky. I could make it a Destructible Object, but then we wind up with the Doomed Lackeys fighting to stop you from disabling it. That might be workable, but it is a little weird. I'd prefer to leave it as a purely amusing side quest, but I can see how hunting down all 9 experiments can get frustrating: I have the advantage of knowing that the Bomb isn't needed, and there's no convenient way to convey that to a player.
[ QUOTE ]
Also, on reflection, it seems that all of the problems in the story arc were self-inflicted: the "Nemesis" plot never would've materialized if I hadn't been sent to meddle with the simulation program, with difficulty set to "extreme", in mission 2. So most of the arc is really just correcting a mistake made by the player (admittedly, at Brass's behest). I don't really like that as a theme; it'd be nicer if the player had some sense of gaining something from completing this story arc, rather than just fixing something she broke. Brass does do a good job of trying to sell defeating Aeon and shutting down his pet project as an accomplishment, though, which is nice. I think I might be happier if you added a little something to reward the player here, maybe suggest that Brass deposits some money in your Swiss Bank account or something; since as it is, it's not clear that the player got anything out of doing this.
[/ QUOTE ]
I also dislike stories that have you trying to correct your own mistakes, but whether that happened here depends on how you look at it. Your job was to test the simulator, and you did so successfully. The only reason you had to rescue Dr. Aeon is because he ignored several serious flaws in his simulator. In that sense, you've been re-hired to fix something Aeon broke. (Brass is certainly of that opinion.)
On the other hand, having Brass actually pay the player is a good idea. This whole job is supposed to be work for hire. It's implied that Brass is paying you on a few occasions, but he never actually does so. I'll add that to the end.
Thanks again for all the time you put into reviewing this arc, PW! I really appreciate it.
-D
Darkonne: Pinnacle's (unofficially) mighty Dark Miasma/Radiation Blast enthusiast!
Be sure to check out this mighty Arc:
#161865 - Aeon's Nemesis
I played Celebrity Kidnapping yesterday and left you feedback in game. Overall very fun arc, and it even made me laugh a few times.
Here's mine, if you'd be inclined to give it a try:
Arc Name: The Next War on Drugs
Arc ID: 245042
Faction: Heroic
Creator Global/Forum Name: @anachrodragon
Difficulty Level: Easy/Low Level (AutoSK to 18-20ish, but intended for lowbie/teen heroes)
Synopsis: Street crime and drug trafficking are on the rise in Paragon City, and Back Alley Brawler wants your help to fight back. Learn about the history of the War on Drugs and investigate new threats.
Estimated Time to Play: 40 minutes (5 missions but most are small maps and very quick. Some optional objectives that may add additional time)
Hi PW, I ran your Celebrity Kidnapping arc and left a comment for you.
My arc is A Close Encounter
Arc ID: 233720
Length: medium
Morality: Heroic
Description: An under-funded and short-staffed government agency needs your help with an investigation.
Tales of Croatoa: A Rose by Any Other Name.... review (arc id 178774)
The premise appears to be some sort of melodramatic mystery set in Croatoa. Level range is 25-34 blue side; I played a 27 MA/regen scrapper.
Mission 1
Briefing: Very nicely formatted and written briefing. I like how the caption is a larger font, and the use of different typeface for the "description" versus the contact's dialog. Minor nitpick: for consistency the third paragraph, beginning "You rub your eyes..." should be in italics, to match the descriptive text of the first paragraph starting "Patrolling through Croatoa..."
Aside from that the briefing does a good job of immediately setting up the premise of the story. The contact seems to be the ghost of a little girl.
Mission objectives: I have an objective to "Defeat Fel", but I have no idea who that is, so not sure why this is needed. Perhaps "Defeat redcap leader" would be more appropriate.
I like the rhyming dialog of the redcap patrol.
Found a glowy called "Treasure Chests", but it's just one treasure chest, so shouldn't be plural. Same for "Chests". Probably in the authoring tool it makes sense to create, say, 6 "Chests" but I think you want to name them the singular noun. I do like the various glowies that have been scattered around the mission for the sake of atmosphere, though.
"Fel Darkwood" appears to have a space after his name, probably unintentionally. You can tell this from the dialog:
[NPC] Fel Darkwood : Why does the hero trouble us?
[NPC] Fel Darkwood : Hehehe, the hero wants to play!
[NPC] Rascal: Lets play a game! "Whack-the-hero!"
[NPC] Fel Darkwood : Revenge shall be had! Then ol' Fel be glad!
(Note spacing before the colon.) Minor quibble: the first three of these lines don't rhyme at all.
Oddly I found a destroyable Treasure Chest, different than the clickable Treasure Chests. Figuring Billy must be inside, I broke it open. Indeed it was Billy. What Billy REALLY is, is actually quite cool. Very neat mission.
Debriefing: It's a little odd that Rose can hug Billy considering she's a ghost, but it works. The debriefing overall is nicely written and rather sad. Possibly the white text should be italicized (for sake of consistency with earlier briefing style). I'll stop mentioning the italic/nonitalic thing hereafter -- but you may want to decide whether you prefer "narrative text" to be italic or not, and standardize how you use it throughout.
Mission 2
Briefing: so the contact wants me to find her daddy. This is somewhat understandable...but my genre savvy sense tells me nothing good can come of this. Still, it would be hard to refuse a little girl's request.
Mission entry popup: "eery" should be "eerie".
The mission seems filled with level 34 ghosts. Considering I am level 27 and on Heroic difficulty, this seems a probable bug. This looks like a cool mission, but I'm not going to be able to handle +7s.
So I quit the arc with my scrapper, then switch to a 33 MA/ninj stalker to try the arc again. I used stalker stealth to speed through the first mission, to get back to mission 2. It is still full of level 34 ghosts, but +1s are doable.
I like the malevolent things the ghost patrols say.
Found a glowy that gave me "The Warehouse Massacre" clue. There is an extra space after "The Cabal".
The individual clues for each skeleton are a nice touch. Sneaking by the ghosts to nab clues about a horrible massacre is quite moody feeling.
Debriefing: A pretty nice debriefing. "Never say that, ever!" has an extraneous period after it.
The third paragraph, beginning with "Spy Girl, I know what you can do!" (where Spy Girl is my character's name) seems like it should belong to the briefing of the next mission, as it is essentially describing a new mission.
The idea that she wants to send me to talk with her friend "Jack" in Croatoa seems very ominous though.
Mission 3
Briefing: nicely written. I like how it mentions the contact seems bound to one place (a common ghost trait).
Mission accept message: "dont worry" should be "don't worry".
Second part of briefing: I like how she makes you take Billy to help introduce you to Jack. LOL!
Inside the mission, there's a lot of "Cabal Sisterhood" who appear to be custom characters added to the Cabal. I'm not sure why they're needed (rather than using standard Cabal), but they actually look like a good fit.
I found Jack and, whew, he's just a normal Fir Bolg...I totally thought I'd have to deal with Jack-in-Irons. He looks quite comical in the kneeling "captured" pose.
The dialog between Jack and the Cabal is verrry interesting. You might consider adding a clue (awarded after freeing Jack) that reiterates the info from this dialog.
Having freed Jack, I'm not sure why I still need to free the other 3 Fir Bolg. The mission briefing really only mentions talking to Jack. Perhaps this is needed to gain Jack's trust; it may need to be a little more clear though. The extra hostages DO have nice bits of dialog though.
Mission complete clue: I quite like the "Enlightenment" clue and the story presented here. And the use of the toy bear. The clue explains why the custom witches are necessary (because they need dark powers to match the story).
Debriefing: Wow, this debriefing is heartbreaking. The writing is very good. "inlayed" should be "inlaid" though.
Mission 4
Briefing: Well, this briefing no longer comes from the contact at all, it's all internal monologue. But based on the story, it has to be this way. It sounds like a "Defeat 200 Cabal" mission, which I'd be surprised if it were possible to create.
I do like the mission accept message, "Begin the Witch Hunt!"
Inside the mission: Thankfully, not a defeat all, though the story could possibly justify it.
Patrick's description: "payed a heavy price" should be "paid a heavy price".
Patrick Rescued clue: "Tou tell Patrick" should be "You tell Patrick". This clue also says "I will go to her ... immediately" but he just stands there after being freed. Should run off, if possible (though, I know I've had trouble getting freed hostages to run away on outdoor maps).
Some good clues from disrupting the rituals, too.
Debriefing: yay, Rose is back. Though, can you really hug a ghost? We'll let it go, it's a moment of heartwarming after all.
Mission 5
Briefing: Nice briefing and a smooth way to fit in the "warning: AV" message.
Second part of briefing: I quite like the teddy bear being used as a recurring motif. Of course, I suppose we've established that he really is the Item of Power here (sort of).
[NPC] Adriana Callihan: What else can you do to me? You've destroyed almost everyone I care about!
I think you can strike "almost" from that line, to make it a stronger statement. I like how Adriana is portrayed here, including her "Suicidal?" clue.
I like the dialog from the various minions, that helps fill you in on why Rhiannon is really doing all this.
Good use of the "Witch" pieces in Rhiannon's costume; I like her glowy eyes. And I just love this line:
[NPC] Rhiannon Darkraven: Why do you carry a teddy bear? Does it protect you? How pathetic...
I am not sure what the "A Voice from the Shadows" clue means; possibly foreshadowing for a sequel.
Debriefing: very nicely written finish with good closure on what happens to the whole Callihan family.
Overall
I really liked this story. It made me care about the characters and what happened to them. Both their tragedy and their eventual release were very moving. Very well written. Good use of clues.
The only serious problem I found was Ghosts spawning in Mission 2 at level 34 for a level 27 hero; I think this is a bug, but it can be a showstopper for people playing through this arc.
My other suggestions are mainly stylistic. I like how you use color and italics to differentiate when Rose is speaking versus descriptive text, emoting, and internal monologue, but the format for the descriptive text could use some standardization.
I gave this story arc 5 stars.
-----
I owe a review to:
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
@Bubbawheat - Matchstick Women #3369
airhead - Captain Dynamic 190069
@anachrodragon - The Next War on Drugs 245042
@baler - A Close Encounter 233720
(Note - I ended up dropping the "non-owed" review queue; I haven't ever gotten to anything in that queue, and the earliest ones have been in there for months. I'll only track "owed" QPQ reviews from now on)
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thank you for the great review. I'm really surprised at the number of typos left. I guess they're right - you are your own worst editor.
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Briefing: Very nicely formatted and written briefing. I like how the caption is a larger font, and the use of different typeface for the "description" versus the contact's dialog. Minor nitpick: for consistency the third paragraph, beginning "You rub your eyes..." should be in italics, to match the descriptive text of the first paragraph starting "Patrolling through Croatoa..."
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I think I'll remove the italics. Straight text is a bit easier to read.
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Mission objectives: I have an objective to "Defeat Fel", but I have no idea who that is, so not sure why this is needed. Perhaps "Defeat redcap leader" would be more appropriate.
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Good idea.
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Found a glowy called "Treasure Chests", but it's just one treasure chest, so shouldn't be plural. Same for "Chests". Probably in the authoring tool it makes sense to create, say, 6 "Chests" but I think you want to name them the singular noun. I do like the various glowies that have been scattered around the mission for the sake of atmosphere, though.
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Good point - I'll make them singular.
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[NPC] Fel Darkwood : Why does the hero trouble us?
[NPC] Fel Darkwood : Hehehe, the hero wants to play!
[NPC] Rascal: Lets play a game! "Whack-the-hero!"
[NPC] Fel Darkwood : Revenge shall be had! Then ol' Fel be glad!
(Note spacing before the colon.) Minor quibble: the first three of these lines don't rhyme at all.
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I briefly considered making everything rhyme, then figured that might take it to the point of annoyance to the player.
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The mission seems filled with level 34 ghosts. Considering I am level 27 and on Heroic difficulty, this seems a probable bug. This looks like a cool mission, but I'm not going to be able to handle +7s.
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Per our discussion in-game, I've set all missions to 33-34. Best compromise, I guess, considering the Devs have the Cabal at 25-34, The Redcaps at 1-53, and the Ghosts at 41-53. I was hoping the new feature allowing me to set the level range for each mission would fix it, but apparently it's not foolproof.
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The third paragraph, beginning with "Spy Girl, I know what you can do!" (where Spy Girl is my character's name) seems like it should belong to the briefing of the next mission, as it is essentially describing a new mission.
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I'll think about this one. Taking this out of the debriefing will make the remaining text rather sparse. Hmmm....
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Having freed Jack, I'm not sure why I still need to free the other 3 Fir Bolg. The mission briefing really only mentions talking to Jack. Perhaps this is needed to gain Jack's trust; it may need to be a little more clear though. The extra hostages DO have nice bits of dialog though.
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I did this for a couple of reasons:
1. To convince the user to hear all of the dialog.
2. To account for Jack's occasional spawning near the front. ( drives me nuts how spawning occurs at times ) I had a couple runs where this mission took just a few seconds to free Jack - forcing me to make all of the captives required objectives.
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Patrick Rescued clue: "Tou tell Patrick" should be "You tell Patrick". This clue also says "I will go to her ... immediately" but he just stands there after being freed. Should run off, if possible (though, I know I've had trouble getting freed hostages to run away on outdoor maps).
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Another MA bug. 
I've bug reported it - just hope its somewhere on their priority list.
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[NPC] Adriana Callihan: What else can you do to me? You've destroyed almost everyone I care about!
I think you can strike "almost" from that line, to make it a stronger statement. I like how Adriana is portrayed here, including her "Suicidal?" clue.
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Well, I put the almost in there to account for Jack and possibly other family members who are still living.
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I am not sure what the "A Voice from the Shadows" clue means; possibly foreshadowing for a sequel.
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Yep, I'd like to do a series featuring Rhiannon and her conflict with MacComber and the other "good" witches. The Voice is her malavelont spirit - consider her the female version of Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter.
131430 Starfare: First Contact
178774 Tales of Croatoa: A Rose By Any Other Name ( 2009 MA Best In-Canon Arc ) ( 2009 Player Awards - Best Serious Arc )
I recently played your arc 67335 Teen Phalanx Forever! I thought the young versions of the Freedom Phalanx were spot on. I also enjoyed the custom critters you added to the existing (cannon) mobs. For example, the Brides of Vahzilok were really cool, and looked appropriate. I rated it a 5 star.
The only gripe would be the fact that the Teen Phalanxers made the missions a breeze. My tank felt like a fifth wheel. But, the information they gave by teaming with them was worth it.
I'm not a professional editor, so I can't really comment on your punctuation and spelling. The overall presentation seemed fine to me.
I'm planning on running your other arcs in the future. I'm even thinking of running my SG through them.
Here's my information so you can run through my arc and tell me what you think. It's the first part of a multi-part series, but stands well enough on its own.
ARC#41646
@Cain Lightning
MA Arcs
Part 1: "Get Max" #41646
Part 2: "Birth of a Super Group" #58817
Part 3: "Mecha Mania" #111009
Part 4: "Worst of Elements" #134592
Part 5: "Payback" #169058
I could not find either of these missions, I suspect they were unpublished or invalidated:
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
So, skipping over them until/unless I hear an updated arc ID for them.
Can You WIN the Internet? review (arc ID 85544)
Premise appears to be to help an AI to "save the Internet" from various threats. Morality is neutral and level range is kind of all over, ranging from a 15-20 mission to a 40-54 mission. I decide to try to play with a 33 MA/ninj stalker, with some IO sets that give her around 40% defense (not quite soft capped).
The contact, "Betty the AI", does not really look tech-y or cyberpunk-y enough to be an AI. She does introduce herself as being an Artificial Intelligence, but perhaps it would be worth having her comment on why she looks like someone's grandma rather than something more electronic looking.
Mission 1
The caption for the briefing, "All That Glitters.." (and for all later missions) should perhaps be in a larger font or different color, to make it stand out from the rest of the briefing.
The contact wants me to go after some "gold spammers", people sending out spam emails trying to sell online game currency.
Inside, the mission is full of Goldbrickers, which actually makes sense.
Nice name for the boss. Though it took me a moment to figure out the "Au" in "Au4UCh33P!!1!" stood for gold's symbol on the periodic table; that might be a little too intellectual a reference for this character. His dialog is all horribly misspelled and full of typos, which I'm sure is intentional. It's a little strange that a Freakshow would be the boss of these Goldbrickers; though possibly he is here primarily to justify giving him mangled dialog.
Good clue from the phishing lists.
You might consider giving the Goldbrickers some dialog, discussing their gold farming or something, to make it seem a little more lively; as it is, only "Au4UCh33P!!1!" ever says anything in this mission.
It might also be fun to have several starving Third World children chained to computers farming gold, who would be hostages that the protagonist could rescue.
Debriefing: Not bad. I like how the AI showers you with random e-Commerce rewards.
Mission 2
Briefing: So this time the contact sends me after the various flamers and trolls that are making a mess of the online forums for some game.
I like the way the AI demonstrates the matter transference device on an orange and the protagonist gets concerned when the physical orange is turned into virtual orange juice.
I like the idea of "Cool off the Flame War!" but I'm not sure I buy into the idea that recovering the "Rule of Law" and "Web Reference" will actually stop a flame war. I think a goal like "6 disruptive users to moderate" (i.e. kill) and/or "4 message threads to modsmack" (i.e. clickies or destroyable file cabinets) would make more sense.
I like the mix of Bat'Zul minions (for flamers) and Trolls. I found and beat Concern, who had some funny dialog.
The "corpse of a Shattered Moderator" glowy is a little odd; we're "in a message board", you can't actually kill a moderator on a message board. The BANHAMMER clue is a nice one, but you might want to explain that you took the BANHAMMER from a fallen moderator.
You might consider adding some clues (maybe attached to optional glowies) that contain sample flames and diatribes about politics (both left and right wing), religion, telling new posters to read the darn FAQ, and Hitler (who inevitably is mentioned in flame wars).
You might consider making the mission map a little smaller; the main joke is the initial concept, and it started out funny but after searching three different elevators it had worn a little thin. A smaller map could avoid this problem.
Mission 3
Briefing: There's an extra space after the first "Well" and before the comma. Yay, an Avenue Q reference.... though was it really necessary to call it "prawn"? I tried creating a test arc and entering the word "porn" and it didn't trigger the profanity filter, so you could totally use that word.
The contact's threat to search your home computer for porn is amusing, though.
Second part of briefing: she carries out her threat with comedic results.
"slimy, perverted creature unfit to walk the world beside to decent, loving people" doesn't quite scan. Maybe "slimy, perverted creature unfit to associate with decent people".
I can buy "offensive" and "depraved", but can porn really be "blasphemous"? I suppose certain types could, but not generally, I'd think.
"Internet Prawn ring" doesn't sound quite right. Shouldn't it be "Internet Prawn site"?
"and that a fate I shudder to consider" should be "and that's a fate I shudder to consider".
Inside the mission: OK, now I see why you call this a "Prawn Ring". They're all...humanoid shrimp people with a porn obsession. Now that's pretty deviant!
This cat/shrimp-girl is so wrong
Good descriptions on the Prawn stars. I particularly like Catgirl Prawn's description, "Catgirl Prawn is pretty common on the Internet. It really doesn't make sense, given how many catgirls there are in real life anyway."
I like Bituah's little skit with the guards holding coffee cups, that was a good one.
Webcam Server's dialog is terrific. The Scrapyarder ambush is a little weird though? I guess they're mad at me stopping the live broadcast?
Debriefing: Good job, have a pizza? A little disappointing after the actual mission, which was pretty funny while simultaneously disturbing.
Mission 4
Briefing: wow, very purple prose. But it works.
Second part of briefing: I like how the "sixty seconds" she gives you is distorted into an hour of subjective time.
Inside the mission:
[NPC] Void Seeker: I don't get it, we're supposed to be draining the lifeforce of actual living being, not online users
"being" should be "beings" here.
I found and freed "Maybe Nemesis" who had some dialog about it all being a Nemesis plot, maybe. This is clearly meant as a joke, but I'm not sure why Nemesis is supposed to be here. (OK, so it's a Nemesis plot... still..) The clue he gives me is interesting, revealing an alliance between Nictus and Mapserver. I'm not sure why Nemesis would tell me this, though.
Found and freed "Positron", who was guarded by some Prawn stars. Positron had pretty silly dialog, even saying a "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk". I am not sure why any of them are here; they don't seem to be related to the Mapserver goal. Am I supposed to be in the online game at this point? The Prawn stars were in the "real" world, so how did they get digitized into the system?
[NPC] Void Seeker: If only we could turn a corner & ambush some unsuspecting PCs & score ourselves a sweet TPK! Yus!
This is a fun thing for a patrol to say, but I think "Yus" should be "Yes".
[NPC] The Mapserver: Positron can't stop me, the programmers can't stop me. How could you, Mere User, dare to defeat me
This line has an extra space before "Positron" and needs a period after "defeat me".
The Mapserver is actually quite a tough fight; on villainous he spawned as an EB for me, but with both grav and ice control powers, and with (I think) two ambushes. This is probably fine for the final boss of a story arc, and I think the movement speed debuffs make grav and ice control a good fit for Mapserver, but it's quite hard. I think a lot of people might lose to him, especially because he summons a Singularity and has ambushes.
I like the mission exit popup. Though it reminds me: logically, shouldn't killing the Mapserver actually disconnect everyone from the Mapserver? It's really Mapserver Disconnects that are the thing everyone hates, not the actual Mapserver.
Souvenir: Not bad. "thats not right" should be "that's not right". The Key to the Internet sounds fun. Shouldn't it also give you a free pass to all Prawn sites?
Overall
A fun premise with some amusing concepts for each mission. Mission 3, against the Prawn stars, was especially good. I thought Mission 1 and Mission 2 had some good ideas, but needed some additional gold spammer and flame war related details in order to be a little more immersive.
I found Mission 4 confusing as I'm not really sure what it was supposed to represent; I got "digitized" but ran into the Prawn stars who I met in the "real world" Mission 3. I also ran into Nemesis and Positron, who are "real" (unless these are game-within-a-game representations). Although I like the clues that try to explain the Mapserver has allied with Nictus, how did the Nictus get "digitized" into the computer realm? Anyway, the mission didn't fully make sense to me.
Overall, I thought it was a fun arc, although I now need sulfuric acid to expunge the image of the Catgirl/Prawn hybrid from my brain. I gave it 4 stars.
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I owe a review to:
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
@Bubbawheat - Matchstick Women #3369
airhead - Captain Dynamic 190069
@anachrodragon - The Next War on Drugs 245042
@baler - A Close Encounter 233720
@Cain Lightning - 41646
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
I played your Paris Holiday arc. It was lots of fun! I loved the spoof.
I especially liked the 3rd mission after she was freed.
My arc is 221702 (In Pursuit of Liberty). I would love for you to play it and give me feedback.
Have fun and ty for starting this.
Rose
@Gypsy Rose
In Pursuit of Liberty - 344916
The Vigilante - 395861
Suppression - 374481 - Winner of The American Legion's February 2011 AE Author Contest
Hey PoliceWoman:
I put the wrong number of my arc down...it's 64855 ....not 64885 as listed. My bad. I ran it yesterday and it's working as intended. So Sorry for the confusion.
Noght 50 Scrapper Broadsword/Invulnerability
Fire Umbra 50 Brute Dark Melee/Fire Aura
Impulse Cry 50 Blaster Sonic/Energy
Internist 50 Mastermind Poison/Thugs
Ice Omega 50 Corrupter Ice/Radiation
Prickly Heat 50 Dominator Plant/Fire
Champion Server
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Fatale Attraction review (arc id 181264)
Overall
I actually really liked the plot. It started off slow, but built up over the course of the investigation; I liked how the missing persons case seamlessly flowed into uncovering the horrible truth behind Soul Trapped Gems (now I'm going to have guilty pangs when using those to make IOs). The character designs for the Fatales were very nice, and the writing in the briefings and the debriefings was excellent. Good use of clues and glowies also. I liked the map choices also, which let us see a variety of scenery while making sense in the story. I liked the "You'll be sorry! Chris Jenkins is my lawyer!" references and am somewhat relieved that I didn't actually get sued by him.
I did feel there was missing text in several places (text on the progress bars on some glowies, no dialog/repetitive dialog for hostages in the last couple missions) and had some stylistic quibbles about formatting in places. I think these could be improved, but all that is relatively minor.
I gave this story 5 stars.
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Thank you very much for this review! You brought up some good points for criticism and I implemented what changes I could. I'm glad you enjoyed the arc!