I'll try yours if you'll try mine
By
5th_Elemental,
Posted on: 2009-04-10 13:04 in Mission Architect
QR Hiya PW. I just ran Celebrity Kidnapping. I've decided to run it again three or four times, to see if the spawn sequences i encountered were luck, or the results of excellent testing work on your part.
That's a fine arc, that.
If you have the space and the inclination, I'd be pleased if you'd review my 2-part arc The Audition.
it's 6 missions all told, split into 2 three-mission arcs.
It's very challenging, so I would strongly advise taking a damage dealing high level HERO in. I specify a hero as it's a heroic arc lol. It's thread is here for more information, but if you do play it please post your review here as more people read this thread I think 
The Audition was published before in a shorter form. this version has expanded dialogue and text in many places and an entire new mission as the climax to Part Two.
Arc Name: The Audition
Global: MrCaptainMan
Arc: 221240 (Part One)
Length: Very Long
Morality: Heroic
Level Range: 45-54
Difficulty: HARD (EBs in missions 3 and 6)
Enemy Group(s): various, customs (Habitual Criminals, Humming mummers, Weird Alien Hive-Mind chick, Galactic Constructors, Your Evil Empire, And Many More)
Summary: Synapse contacts the Player; the Freedom Phalanx wants YOU as a new member of the team! All you have to do is succeed in the Six Heroic Tasks! Easy, eh?
...nope.
Eco.
MArcs:
The Echo, Arc ID 1688 (5mish, easy, drama)
The Audition, Arc ID 221240 (6 mish, complex mech, comedy)
Storming Citadel, Arc ID 379488 (lowbie, 1mish, 10-min timed)
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Samuel_Tow
[The Incarnate System is] Jack Emmert all over again, only this time it's not "1 hero = 3 white minions" it's "1 hero = 3 white rocks."
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Thanks for the thorough review!
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Ashley Porter and the Gorilla War review (arc id 130809)
Mission 1
Briefing: It is Lady Blackhawk! I'm supposed to work with her, but she wants to test me, so I'm sent to "Blackhorse" Island for a training exercise.
Inside the mission, the objectives are not terribly clear - the nav tool says to Bang on Drum to end the Training session, but the briefing says to defeat each of the top officers in order to pass the test. Maybe defeating the named officer should be an objective too?
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Hmm, I'll have to look this over again, I thought it was pretty clear - i.e., "Bang on the drum any time you want, makes no difference, but the gals will make fun of you for it" being the gist.
I may have over-corrected on this mission. I wanted to introduce Ashley Porter and the Blackhorse characters, but thought people might be annoyed by having to fight a series of bosses in a mere "training" mission. And didn't want people having to repeatedly butt their head against the wall if one of the bosses was particularly troublesome for them. As it is, it seems like people are more annoyed by the various half-measures than they would've been by a more standard mission construction.
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The Blackhorse costumes look great. Nice map choice too. Would be nice if they had some dialog though - maybe commenting on testing the new recruit, or whatever.
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Like a patrol, maybe? That could work. I did try to give each of the bosses some colorful dialogue.
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A little confusing that the contact says to defeat "top officers" and there are also "Blackhorse Officers" in the mission that don't count towards this. Only the named Blackhorse characters do, and they do not stand out very well against the background, so I ended up clearing most of the map before I found the first one.
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Good point, I should probably be more consistent with my nomenclature, perhaps just using the term "Lieutenant," boring as it sounds....
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[NPC] Blackhorse Mechanic: Hi Ho, Shadow Team, away! Let's see how the Mystery Men handle surprises!
Nitpick: I'm actually a solo female character. But "mystery man" is the period term for comic book heroes, so maybe it's okay.
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I was indeed trying to use the term in its generic sense as the '40s term for "superhero." Which seems to generally be used in a unisex way, at least in modern stories set in the '40s.
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I defeated all the named characters up to and including Lady Blackhorse, and cleared all the Blackhorses from the island entirely, but the mission still doesn't end despite having "passed" the test. It looks like I have to "bang on drum to end training session" but the briefing warned me that I would fail the exercise if I did this, so I'm kind of reluctant to do this.
There doesn't seem to be anything else I can do on this map though, so I clicked on the metal drum. There should be some text on the progress bar, like "Banging on drum".
Maybe defeating Lady Blackhorse should give you some sort of clue indicating you passed the training exercise.
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The clue is a great idea, which should hopefully clear up some confusion (I thought the parameters were pretty clear, particularly that there was no penalty for banging on the drum whether or not you "succeeded.")
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Mission 2
Inside the mission, I like the dialog from the Blackhorse patrols and the mix of 5th Column, Red Army and gorillas. The gorillas look pretty good, though I confess I'm confused as to why Uzbek Gorilla Fist is wearing a kilt.
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Ah, but Gorillas in the Ashley Porter universe are all tribal in nature, you see... And the kilt seemed to be one of the better outfits for looking kinda tribal while also disguising the fact that the body models aren't terribly gorilla-like.
Embarrassingly, I have a whole history worked out for the gorilla tribes, who are non-verbal iron age types (hence, the fact they're using guns is kind of a shock even to in-world gorilla experts 
). The Uzbek Lowland Gorilla lands mark the easternmost expansion of the Roman Empire. The (sadly unseen) Uzbek Gorilla Chieftain even wears a Roman breastplate and helmet that have been passed from alpha male to alpha male over the centuries....
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Red Army Soldier has no description.
You may want to change Major Wolfgang Hochstetter's description (the default one refers to the Council takeover).
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And here we run into the verdammt file size limit, which has been a constant thorn in my side for this arc.... I'm literally at 99.9something percent now. (BTW, even if I wasn't, is it actually possible to change the description on the Major and other "stock" characters? I thought that was hardwired unless you make them "custom," which then goes back to the file size thing....)
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I saw a Blackhorse patrol, but thought it was a little odd none of them actually would work with me.
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Unfortunately, unless there's a trick I don't know, I don't believe there's any way to make ally patrols more actively supportive.
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I like Colonel Burkhalter's dialog.
I found Ilsa Kopf, a hostage guarded by gorillas; I think she could use some dialog before she is "rescued" expressing dismay at the gorillas turning against her. She gives a nice clue though.
Debriefing: "Major Kopf" should probably be "Doctor Kopf"? She wasn't in uniform and was never referred to by rank prior to this that I can recall.
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Burkhalter's fun, yeah.
Ilsa, unfortunately, is another file size casualty. I wanted to have her in uniform, but my custom NPC didn't make it, and I had to select an only-sorta-good stock NPC instead. She's a recurring character in the Ashley Porter movie series, though.
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Mission 4
Briefing: I like this briefing and how it refers to one of the other named Blackhorse operatives. All these briefings have been nicely in character.
Mission title: Considering the contact tells you she doesn't know what to expect in this mission, having the title be "Defeat Lobster Man" and the objective be "Defeat Lobster Man from Mars" seems like a huge spoiler. Maybe should rename both these to something less spoilery, then have the discovery of the Lobster Man be uncovered as a clue, or be a surprise when you run into him.
In the mission, suddenly Lady Blackhorse knows about the Lobster Man. How did she find out?
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Good points, I should tinker with that a bit.
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Fought the Lobster Man; all his dialog appears to be in Korean, except for one word. Was a neat effect though.
Actually fighting and defeating the Lobster Man seemed awfully easy, though; I simply beat him up and then the mission ended.
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The one English word is supposed to be yet another inscrutable clue about these very inscrutable aliens. Not sure what to make of his difficulty level, though. As with a lot of EBs, he seems tough for some characters, less so for others. "Canonically" the Lobster Men are kind of paper tigers in the Ashley Porter movies, though - apparently used more as sources of weaponry and plot devices for the major human powers than as actual threats. (Also, renting out that rubber suit was expensive!)
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Overall
Love the overall period look & feel that this story arc has. Very much feels like a WW2 period piece with generous amounts of weird science.
Despite the plot's focus on the Blackhorse squadron, however, the actual gameplay made it feel more like I was fighting adjacent to the Blackhorse commandos, and not really working with them. The Blackhorse patrols in the middle missions had some nice dialog, but never really cooperated with me. I think you should consider adding a few Blackhorse operatives as (low powered) allies in each mission, to give more of a feeling that they're on your side. Perhaps you could re-use some of the other named Blackhorse characters from mission 1? After a promising introduction in mission 1, none of those characters reappear again except Lady Blackhorse herself, so I feel they were rather underused.
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I'm starting to think you're right. I thought about doing something like that, but shied away for a couple reasons:
1. The Blackhorse Squadron only has "named" bosses, so with a sufficiently large player group, they might run into clones of themselves.
2. I really wanted to avoid the "Come tag along while my favorite character has all the fun" syndrome you see in a lot of arcs, and maybe went a bit too far in the other direction. Plus (cf. #1), the players won't see Su Lin, Saakje, or Monique at all unless they have a big group, so better to risk them meeting their clones than not have them at all....
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Anyway, thanks for the review, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Ashley Porter Will Return
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The clue is a great idea, which should hopefully clear up some confusion (I thought the parameters were pretty clear, particularly that there was no penalty for banging on the drum whether or not you "succeeded.")
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I think my confusion was that I thought banging on the drum meant I was giving up on the exercise, "crying uncle" as it were, and I wanted to pass the test.
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is it actually possible to change the description on the Major and other "stock" characters? I thought that was hardwired unless you make them "custom,"
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You can replace the description for a Boss detail (but not for his minions).
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Not sure what to make of his difficulty level, though. As with a lot of EBs, he seems tough for some characters, less so for others. "Canonically" the Lobster Men are kind of paper tigers
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Oh, I wasn't complaining about his difficulty level - I was on low difficulty so he wasn't even an EB for me, just a Boss. I felt that defeating a single boss is a little too straightforward for the final mission of the story arc, which ideally should be more of a dramatic finale. Continuing along the theme of making the Lobster Men more mysterious, perhaps you could initially be sent in with the objective of "Discover secret controllers of gorilla guerillas" which would be a glowy somewhere, then clicking the glowy gives you a clue that is photographs of lobster men climbing out of flying saucers (or something similarly incriminating; a crazed mad scientist hostage babbling about lobster men would work too) and triggers the Lobster Man's group to spawn, and then your objective turns to "Defeat Lobster Man from Mars"?
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1. The Blackhorse Squadron only has "named" bosses, so with a sufficiently large player group, they might run into clones of themselves.
2. I really wanted to avoid the "Come tag along while my favorite character has all the fun" syndrome you see in a lot of arcs, and maybe went a bit too far in the other direction. Plus (cf. #1), the players won't see Su Lin, Saakje, or Monique at all unless they have a big group, so better to risk them meeting their clones than not have them at all....
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Yeah, that's legitimate, really... but the premise of your arc is working with the Blackhorse Squadron, so I did think it was strange that none of them actually ever stopped to help me. Keeping the named bosses in a separate faction is a good idea (at least until I15) to prevent spawning duplicates. You might consider having the patrols of the generic Blackhorse Commandos, then additionally having just one or two "ally" Blackhorse characters, low ranking minions or lieutenants that follow the protagonist around but aren't powerful enough to steal too much glory (or could be ditched by the player if desired). I wouldn't mind seeing some of the named lieutenants from the training exercise reappearing in this way. Totally up to you though.
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
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Just as a note, on request I'm happy to repost any of my reviews (or at least the rating and summary section of it) to the City of Heroes Mission Review site. I don't do this by default because not all story arcs are listed there. Feel free to post your reviews of my story arcs there if you like, also (this isn't required to get a review or anything though).
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Both may arcs are listed on that site.
So, if you'd post your ratings and summaries of Escalation and Amazon-Avatars to COH Mission review, that'd be great!
At some point, I'm planning on sitting down doing some reviews and ratings on that site, just got to find the time for it. I'll have to make sure your arcs are among the first I rate there.
I'm a published amateur comic book author: www.ericjohnsoncomics.com
******MA Arcs****
Arc 5909: "Amazon-Avatars"
Arc 6143: "Escalation" (Nominee: Architect Awards, Nominee: Player Awards, and Dev's Choice!)
I got motivated to comb through my old reviews and see which arcs are actually on City of Heroes Mission Review, and I went ahead and posted the summary section of my review for any arc that I could actually find on the CoHMR site.
I submitted reviews for:
1567 MacGuffin Delivery Service
2622 A Tangle in Time
3573 Unbearable Funk
5073 Bravuran Jobs
5909 Amazon-Avatars
6143 Escalation
55715 Freaks and Geeks
84420 Death to Disco!
99394 The Once and Future King Sac
101681 Through Rose-Tinted Glasses
110465 Hunter of Beasts
136522 Fine Literature
137561 Time Loop
163274 Return of the Three Fold King
177930 Fighting Freedom
I had already previously submitted reviews for:
1709 The Amulet of J'gara
1874 Dream Paper
2180 Bricked Electronics
5349 Childhood Horrors
58363 Nuclear in 90 - The Fusionette Task Force
Here's an update on my queue (inserted twelfth, who I somehow missed adding before):
I owe a review to:
Thornster - A Little RnR 17523
@Elisenda - A Lame Joke, 22982
@Mr Squid - The Lost Choir Ch3 141011 (moved this down two places, so as to alternate with other arcs)
@Ridiculous Girl - Hero Therapy! 119228
@Cheriour - Revenge of Dr Radium 100293
Graeve_Digger - 2 of Hero Simulator Ch1 172700, Ch2 172468
Major_Paragon - Fatale Attraction 181264
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240
in queue:
WynterPhrost
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thanks, Time Loop is slowly making its way up the rankings on that site
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Oh, I wasn't complaining about his difficulty level - I was on low difficulty so he wasn't even an EB for me, just a Boss. I felt that defeating a single boss is a little too straightforward for the final mission of the story arc, which ideally should be more of a dramatic finale. Continuing along the theme of making the Lobster Men more mysterious, perhaps you could initially be sent in with the objective of "Discover secret controllers of gorilla guerillas" which would be a glowy somewhere, then clicking the glowy gives you a clue that is photographs of lobster men climbing out of flying saucers (or something similarly incriminating; a crazed mad scientist hostage babbling about lobster men would work too) and triggers the Lobster Man's group to spawn, and then your objective turns to "Defeat Lobster Man from Mars"?
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Ah, OK, I understand now, and your idea sounds like a good one - though I may not be able to implement much unless and until they cut us a break on file size (which I assume will never happen, though!)
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Yeah, that's legitimate, really... but the premise of your arc is working with the Blackhorse Squadron, so I did think it was strange that none of them actually ever stopped to help me. Keeping the named bosses in a separate faction is a good idea (at least until I15) to prevent spawning duplicates. You might consider having the patrols of the generic Blackhorse Commandos, then additionally having just one or two "ally" Blackhorse characters, low ranking minions or lieutenants that follow the protagonist around but aren't powerful enough to steal too much glory (or could be ditched by the player if desired). I wouldn't mind seeing some of the named lieutenants from the training exercise reappearing in this way. Totally up to you though.
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Makes sense to me.
I think if and when I do an adaptation of "Ashley Porter and the Death's Head Legion," I might just make it "YOU are Ashley Porter in this interactive adventure based on the classic 1941 film!" Might be a good way to have fun with the MA concept in a way I don't think I've seen yet - the characters playing *other* characters!
(These particular adventures are actually fictional both to us and to our characters!)
http://68.178.145.67/index.php/Ashley_Porter
A Little RnR review (arc id 17523)
Premise appears to be that some out of town visitors are stirring up trouble. Level range is 1-54 blue side (apparently all custom enemies). I played a 27 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: Some rowdy out-of-towners are causing trouble. So I'm sent to stop this domestic disturbance. The contact is a police detective, but the language he uses "let them know they are not welcomed in Paragon City" sounds more like something a Family boss would say; may want to rephrase to be more police-like. "welcomed" should be "welcome".
Second part of briefing: "already over crowded with all kind of mischief" should maybe be "already overcrowded with all kinds of troublemakers".
Inside the mission, the map looks like Salamanca; this is probably a bit too urban to be a "park". May want to either choose a more parklike map, or change the briefing to say they're in a nearby suburb or something.
The mission objectives make it clear that this is a defeat all on an outdoor map. "Gravee Rich" is in my objectives, but hasn't been mentioned in the briefing, so I don't know who or what that is. Consider changing to "Defeat enemy leader" or "Find clues" or something active yet generic, to avoid spoiling the surprise.
Inside the mission there are a lot of custom mobs, all belonging to the RnR faction. I'm not what their theme is intended to be based on their names and costumes; maybe some sort of gang with money-related names. This group maybe needs to be more strongly themed.
Extravagant Princess's description, "the least resistance you have" should be "the less resistance you have".
Found Gravee Rich, she has a fun back story.
[NPC] Gravee Rich: We have new toys and that meddler will be entertaining.
...is awkwardly phrased, I suggest something like "A meddler! Let's try our new toys on $himher!" (for attack dialog) or "Let's try these new toys out on someone!" (for inactive dialog)
[NPC] Skinflint Bully: Hey! We are not one of those villain mindless villain groups! Enough with the boss' name!
...doesn't make sense. Not sure what this is supposed to mean.
[NPC] Gravee Rich: My net worth may be ten times yours but I will not beat them off alone! Get in here!
...wow, that sounds kind of obscene! Maybe not what you meant to say.
[NPC] Miserly Stuart: Gravee Rich needs a hand. Mega is a peddler. Get her off!
I'm a "peddler"? Maybe you mean "meddler". Or maybe peddler is some kind of slang for these money-oriented people.
Profligate Heir's description, "no problem spending some on helping hands or protection" maybe should be "no problem spending some on hiring bodyguards for protection".
Free Spender's description, "The Free Spender have made money" should be "The Free Spender has made money"
Rescued Chemical Fire and got the "Shipments have left" clue that mentions "she has seen some of this loot leave already." I don't think it's clear which loot she is referring to.
I like the "Shopping List" clue I got from Gravee, hinting at more RnR activity elsewhere.
Debriefing is pretty good, explaining what is known so far.
Mission 2
Briefing: Now we need to rescue a "forest activist" from the RnR gang. Not quite sure "forest activist" is the term you want to use; maybe "environmental activist" or "tree hugger" would work better.
I actually thought the next mission would be one of the addresses on the "Shopping List" clue received in mission 1, so it's a little puzzling that the next mission is something else entirely; not quite sure how rescuing this activist connects to the story. The contact says it will get more info on Electric Mango, but I don't see why he would think that; it seems to me that it would be more logical to follow up on the clues from mission 1.
Inside the mission: a little odd that the "forest activist" is in an office and not in a forest at all! Also the objective "Activist Anne Laforet" should maybe be "Rescue Activist Anne Laforet".
I like the gang members chatting about the relative wealth of their named bosses. I guess materialism is their common theme.
In Anne Laforet's description, "Coatoa" should be "Croatoa".
After saving Anne, I got the "You saved the forest activist" clue, which was nice but didn't really say much except that she went back to saving the forest in Croatoa. This is nice for flavor, but leaves me kind of puzzled as to why the RnR gang decided to kidnap her; she doesn't have money or techy stuff, which seems to be what they're interested in.
I now have "Silver Lining" as an objective; maybe should be "Defeat Silver Lining".
[NPC] Silver Lining: Anne Laforest was not important. She was a tool. Keep Mega busy as long as we can !
"Laforest" should be "Laforet" based on her earlier appearance. Also I kind of think that Silver Lining's costume should be more...silver. It's got some silver on it, but is more purple. Thinking about it, it would make sense if Penny Pincher and Pretty Penny had copper colored costumes, too. Up to you though.
Silver Lining's description: "Steeve" maybe should be "Steve" unless you spelled it that way on purpose. "Villains of east coast" should be "Villains of the east coast". "He...has become Mango's secret vault" doesn't quite make sense; he's a vault? Maybe you mean lieutenant or henchman or something.
Defeating Silver Lining gives me the "Diversion" clue, where I find out that, in fact, they had no reason for kidnapping Anne Laforet -- it was all a trick to lure me here to keep me busy. The mission exit popup even says "You hate being played for a fool, but it does seem that way".
The mission exit popup and the debriefing both call the hostage "Anne Laforest" .. I think you need to decide whether her name is "Laforet" or "Laforest" and use it consistently.
I kind of thought this mission was a distraction even at the start, so having the plot force me to be "tricked" doesn't really seem right. I think maybe you could avert this by having the contact say in his briefing something like, "Yes, we should follow up on our other clue...but innocents are in danger, you have to stop and help them!" rather than imply that rescuing Anne Laforet will give us some sort of new info. Or alternatively you could cut this entire mission to tighten up the plot; I'm not sure it is actually needed for the story.
Mission 3
Briefing: The text is oddly formatted, with lines being different lengths. I think maybe you meant to insert paragraph breaks after each of the shorter lines.
The contact says "I looked up this RnR" and found out who they are, and why they're doing stuff. I don't buy this; where do you look stuff like this up? And if you can look this up in the Big Book of Bad Guys, why didn't we look it up before mission 1? I like the explanation that RnR are a bunch of wealthy, bored kids, but I think it would be better if the player finds out this information as a result of clues in earlier missions.
Also, the idea that they are all wealthy and bored kids appears to contradict the descriptions of some of the minions who are described as not having enough money (the Penny minions, Skinflints, Miserlies, etc). Some of the mobs don't really LOOK like rich kids either (the bald models, especially Skinflint Bully).
"Paragon city" should be capitalized "Paragon City".
The mission accept prompt is "Take out Electric Mango", but Electric Mango is mentioned nowhere in the briefing. Thinking about it, Electric Mango's name has nothing to do with money, which is unlike all the other RnR members; seems inconsistent.
OK, in the second part of the briefing (after accepting the mission), Electric Mango is mentioned; some of this maybe should be moved to the first part. He also mentions "that scientist", but it's not clear to me who he's talking about; when did RnR kidnap a scientist? Is this the woman who Chemical Fire heard screaming in mission 1? No, the briefing says "take him" into custody. Needs some explanation, I think, unless I missed it somewhere.
"Shipment of Technology" objective should maybe be "Destroy last shipment of technology".
[NPC] Electric Mango: Finally, I can test these armor improvements! Get Mega
...should have an exclamation point after the player's name.
[NPC] Miserly Stuart: I really want to see what Dr. Boyce Boyd will be able to come up with great technology we have here.
I think "with great technology" should be "with the great technology".
Debriefing: though the debriefing does mention the things that you accomplished, it seems awfully short to me. Would be nice if we got to find out what ends up happening to RnR (if they break up and go home or whatever) and whether Boyd was there voluntarily. Maybe even what happened to Miss Laforet.
Overall
The RnR gang is an interesting new villain group; however, I think they need to be more tightly themed. I sorta got the idea they are money-related due to their names (but some of them had "poor" sounding names rather than "rich" sounding names; based on their premise, maybe they should all be "rich"). Their costumes (with a mix of armored pieces) don't really strongly suggest who they are. If you aren't strongly attached to their costumes, I'd suggest reworking them to be more evocative of the fact that they are spoiled rich kids -- perhaps give them "dressy" looking clothes instead, preppy or Hollywood type hairstyles, or make all their armor solid gold (or copper) with gems. Something like that.
I do like their dialog, which is a little corny with the constant money references, but is just right for their theme.
Some plot problems: I'm a little puzzled as to why the first mission, where they are stealing technology, is set in a "park" -- wouldn't it make more sense to steal high tech from a lab type map? Also, whatever happened to the clues from the first mission -- the woman who screamed, the shopping list with places to go. Maybe the woman captured in mission 1 is meant to be Miss Laforet, but if so, the story needs to say so.
Scripting the player to be "fooled" by mission 2 is a little unfair, I think, especially when mission 2 doesn't obviously follow from the c lues received in mission 1.
And where did they get Dr. Boyd in mission 3? Needs a little foreshadowing. Also, it's not quite clear what the RnR hoped they'd get from the technology and Dr. Boyd; the dialog only suggests they hope he'll make something cool out of it. Maybe they should have some particular toy that they want Dr. Boyd to make for them.
Anyway, with all that, I gave this arc 3 stars. Hope you think that is fair!
-----
I owe a review to:
@Elisenda - A Lame Joke, 22982
@Mr Squid - The Lost Choir Ch3 141011 (moved this down two places, so as to alternate with other arcs)
@Ridiculous Girl - Hero Therapy! 119228
@Cheriour - Revenge of Dr Radium 100293
Graeve_Digger - 2 of Hero Simulator Ch1 172700, Ch2 172468
Major_Paragon - Fatale Attraction 181264
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
I just ran through Axis and Allies; I sent my critique as feedback, but I'll rehash it here for posterity's sake.
A nice, solid, well plotted arc. The highlights were the second and fourth missions. The trooper's dialog was nicely done. Overall, I thought your choices of maps was stellar; unfortunately, although I understand why you chose it, I really hate the map you used for mission three - hunting for the objectives was annoyingly painful. (I wish there was a smaller map with the same feel to it.) Otherwise, well done.
My only real criticisms are these:
First, Schadenfreud's dialog seemed flat to me - just somewhat bland and unenthusiastic, considering the scope of the project she's having you enact. I think giving her an accent would help tremendously to flesh out her character.
Also, I'd like to see a little more exposition tying everything together. Why did each of the allies surrender after their respective missions? Fill in the blanks for us.
Overall, well done. A solid four stars from me.
And, with that, a little quid pro quo for quid pro quo's sake: I not-so-humbly submit my arc to your tender (or untender, as the case may be) mercies.
Arc Name: The Superadine Withdrawal Blues
Global: @Null Geodesic
Arc: 205046
Length: Long (4 missions)
Morality: Neutral
Level Range: 1-54
Difficulty: Moderate to Hard
Enemies: Council, Paragon Police, Custom Group, one EB.
Summary: A reformed Troll tries to go straight, but old habits die hard.
The whole premise here is that you meet a small gang, with near-unlimited funds that are trying to become bigger players in the criminal world. Mission one they steal gear (who says you have to buy it because you have the money to do so, they want to be criminals after all). Mission two they buy the only thing they can't buy with money, time. In mission 3 you see that the time they bought was to get a scientist to their base and get him to improve their gear with the loot from mission 1. You are left to wonder if the scientist is there by choice or if he was forced into this.
That being said, if I have to explain it, I must be doing something wrong. I do have to say that I was trying to be out of norm in some places to make this more interesting. Guess that didn't work out too well for you.
The map: you zone into a "park" with a fountain, grass and a fence. The ruckus is actually in the streets near the park ... that was my view but I guess I could change the description.
The shopping list in mission 1 is actually a description of mission 1. You arrive "late to the party" and the shipments 1 and 2 have already left (the "tree hugger" with shipment 1[maybe, or 2 .. but she's gone]). This tells you Gravee was about to leave and you got there just in time to arrest them.
Peddler was meant as "person that sells small goods" with a connotation that it is annoying. I really thought it was a word .. but apparently .. I was mistaken.
[ QUOTE ]
[NPC] Skinflint Bully: Hey! We are not one of those villain mindless villain groups! Enough with the boss' name!
[/ QUOTE ]
If that really is how I say it then I will rephrase it but what I was going for is that these guys are rich and bright, they are not as dumb as ... Skulls, for example. Therefore, simply spewing out their leader's name was not appropriate for the kind of gang they are aspiring to be.
[ QUOTE ]
Free Spender's description, "The Free Spender have made money" should be "The Free Spender has made money"
[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah I always have trouble figuring out if I am describing the mob or the class of mob. For example, does the Rikti monkey's description describe that Rikti monkey or Rikti Monkeys in general.
[ QUOTE ]
Rescued Chemical Fire and got the "Shipments have left" clue that mentions "she has seen some of this loot leave already." I don't think it's clear which loot she is referring to.
[/ QUOTE ]
This is clarified by the shopping list ... but I guess that isn't clear.
As for mission 2. My intent was that the contact needs to find out more on Electric Mango (mentionned inadvertently by a minion) so he proposes, since you have to wait anyway, that you follow up on person that Chemical Fire mentionned had disapeared soon after her arrival in the park.
You say that it isn't clear why Anne LAforet was kidnaped but I thought
[ QUOTE ]
[NPC] Silver Lining: Anne Laforest was not important. She was a tool. Keep Mega busy as long as we can !
[/ QUOTE ] and his last words which should be something like "It doesn't matter. We did accomplished what we came for. To buy what can't be bought. Time." made it clear that she was kidnapped because she was there and they were just trying to delay anyone following them.
Penny Pinchers , Skinflints, Miserlies are all names for people that hoard money, not poor people. So I used titles of people that hoard money for minions, titles of people that were just handed / have alot of money (to the point where it looses all value) for lieutenants and titles of people that have worked or schemed for their wealth as bosses.
The scientist is mentionned by the minions in mission 2. They are eager to see what he can do to make them better (or new toys I think is how they put it)
I truely appreciate the pointing out of the clarifications in the text and in the mission objectives and stuff. I will definately look into those.
I may have put too much emphasis on giving the player a feel for who these villains were and less on why they were doing what they were. I may have tried to be too different, subtle and intriguing (for example not saying if the scientist was there of his own free will or not was actually a choice. I wanted to leave that question unanswered) and that creates confusion ...
Thanks for the review ... sorry it wasn't more fun.
Char Site | My DeviantArt
Global=@Thornster
A Lame Joke (arc id 22982)
Premise is to stop some sort of joker-like villain. Level range is 1-54 neutral, all custom enemies. I played a 28 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: I think the first two lines, "Just say no" and "Stopping bad comedy" are meant to be part of a header or something, and should perhaps be in a different color or font size in order to stand out.
"Labotories" should be "Laboratories". "flatulation" should be "flatulence".
With the contact being a television set, I think you should change the briefing slightly to emphasize that it's something you're seeing on TV, and not something that you're being told. "Will you stop them...?" isn't something a TV can ask you, either, and you wouldn't tell the TV "I'll keep it out of the villains' hands". You can also fix this by making the contact a more normal person.
"second-rate comedians" really don't sound like a very serious threat (haha). Maybe the contact should tell you (or show you, if it's a TV) why the regular police and/or coast guard can't handle them.
Second part of briefing: I don't think a TV would say "Godspeed!"
Mission title: "Sieze the whoopee cushions", should be "Seize".
Inside the mission, the Humour mobs look an awful lot like Carnies. I can see they have jokes in their info area, which is kinda cute, but they still seem too much like Carnies for them to really grab me as a neat new group the way the villains did in Literatura (also by this author). Also not all players will check mob info and see these, so some of these jokes will likely get missed; the dialog where the mobs tell jokes is a little better for getting the player to see them, though.
I like the "Wet Blanket" hostage and her vomiting animation in response to the jokes. Not quite sure why she is ice blast though.
Found and fought "Lame Joke", who used all her lines on, well, lame jokes. The "Lame Joke gets serious" clue needs a little more, though, in my opinion; it currently says Lame Joke reveals the whoopee cushions were a mere distraction but doesn't explain what it's a distraction from. Also, it's not a very funny clue. The "Whoopee Cushions" clue isn't particularly funny either. I kinda think with the premise of this arc, all the clues should be in the form of jokes (lame or otherwise).
Debriefing: The television says "Thank you", which is rather un-television-like. Maybe this contact should be a person; or else the briefings and debriefings be rewritten to be more in the style of stuff you see on TV.
Mission 2
Briefing: So now Lame Joke is signing a contract to write sitcoms and the contact wants me to stop her. But...wouldn't signing a contract to write sitcoms actually be legal, and a way to get a criminal like Lame Joke off the streets and into honest (well..semi-honest) work? The premise of the mission does not seem very heroic. [A bit later I remembered this arc was "neutral".] The contact tries to motivate this by implying that Lame Joke will be a terrible TV writer. But, considering the dreck they currently show on TV, I am not sure she can do much worse.
Some cute puns in the dialog of this mission. And the return of Wet Blanket.
If this is meant to be a television studio, shouldn't there be television show staffers here, in addition to the Humour clowns? The "Big-Time Hollywood Producer" is a good-looking character, but I kinda think he needs his own staff, rather than be escorted by the Humour clowns.
I beat up Lame Joke and the Producer and that was pretty much it.
Debriefing: ack, television is happy that I stopped a sit-com and replaced it with reality TV...are we sure this isn't a villainous arc? It IS kind of a funny ending.
Overall
The core of this story arc is the dialog with the many, many, many puns. Many were funny, many were groan-worthy. However, aside from the jokes, it didn't feel like there was all that much to the arc; two missions were you go in and defeat a boss or two, and that's it. There's not really a story; the antagonist doesn't have a grand plan or any special tricks that she develops after facing you in the first mission. The two missions aren't really related other than you fight the same boss twice. I think having some kind of overarching story (even over only 2 missions) would benefit this arc.
I also felt the Humour mobs looked an awful lot like Carnies, to the point where I almost think you should just use ordinary Carnies and have them tell jokes, and make Lame Joke a Carnie boss. Alternatively you could maybe change them to look like stand-up comedians or Saturday Night Live cast members or something. I'd suggest either fully embracing the fact that they're really Carnies who tell bad jokes, or else find some way to emphasize how they're different from Carnies.
Anyway, the arc was okay and the jokes were fun to read; it just did not feel like there was a lot of substance beyond that. I gave it 3 stars. Hope you think that is fair!
-----
I owe a review to:
@Mr Squid - The Lost Choir Ch3 141011 (moved this down two places, so as to alternate with other arcs)
@Ridiculous Girl - Hero Therapy! 119228
@Cheriour - Revenge of Dr Radium 100293
Graeve_Digger - 2 of Hero Simulator Ch1 172700, Ch2 172468
Major_Paragon - Fatale Attraction 181264
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
The Lost Choir: Chapter Three: Apocrypha review (arc id 141011)
Part 3 of the 3-arc Lost Choir epic. Premise is battling an interdimensional horror who has a pantheon of rogue angels serving him. Level range is 41-54 blue side. I played a 34 broadsword/invuln scrapper mostly for thematic reasons.
The contact is now Thellos, the Rikti deity who was freed in Part 2; a good change.
Mission 1 (the only mission)
Briefing: The dark blue font is actually quite hard to read against the aqua-green colors of the AE building.
This briefing would be rather confusing to anyone who hasn't played Part 2; maybe unavoidable, but just saying.
The "dipping a sponge into water, but instead of expanding, it contracted" analogy completely boggles me; is it meant to be a sort of koan? In any case it seems there is an "aspect" of Xhantranos coalescing that must be defeated. But I defeated "Mind of Xhantranos" in part 2; how is this different? If this aspect of Xhantranos is just a "tendril of its form" extended into our universe and given substance, I am not sure defeating it will necessarily accomplish the stated goal, "put an end to the menace of Xhantranos once and for all".
Also "insticts" should be "instincts".
A bunch of dialog goes off just as I enter the mission. One of these is:
[NPC] Thellos-Ra: - $name! Help me dispatch these wretches! -
...but I'm not close enough to Thellos-Ra for her to actually use my proper name.
I can see why Thellos would want to link up in the mission, but I'm not as sure why I need to find Sergeant Joan, Sergeant Luther or Sadu'sii; they perhaps should be mentioned in the mission briefing.
There's a bunch of "Xhantranic Reflections" that appear to be repurposed Shadow Shard Reflections; I'm not quite sure I buy them as minions of the cosmic horror Xhantranos. It's sort of weird to see Council and Crey working in this capacity.
[NPC] Vanguard Ranger: Switch to etherial rounds! Fire at will!
I think "etherial" should be "ethereal". I do like the effect of the Choir vs Reflections and Vanguard vs Reflections battles.
[NPC] Guardian: Thellos: arrives! Make: way!
... does not sound quite right. Maybe "Thellos: Arrival imminent. All: Make way."
I found and rescued Thellos-Ra; curiously, she is only a Lieutenant this time (she was much higher rank in part 2). Maybe this is OK, though; having an EB ally was excessive.
[NPC] Sergeant Joan: Thanks Kyrie Eleison. Ill buy you a beer when this is all said and done.
"Ill" should be "I'll".
Found Xhantranos Unbound, who was an EB to me. He immediately 1-shotted me with some kind of huge energy melee attack. Yikes.
Loading up on purple inspirations, I went back and gave Xhantranos another try, this time soft capping my defense with purples before engaging. This seemed to go better (though he clipped me with another energy transfer at some point that dropped me to 10%) and I got him pretty low on life, but 3 ambushes spawned. They had dialog like this:
[NPC] Xhantranos Unbound: <Hrrrrrrrgh!>
[NPC] Anger of Xhantranos: SREEEEE!!!
[NPC] Xhantranos Unbound: <KREEEEEE!!!!!!!>
[NPC] Rage of Xhantranos: URAAAAAAAAH!!!!
[NPC] Xhantranos Unbound: <RAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!>
[NPC] Hatred of Xhantranos: RAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!
Shouldn't they all have dialog in < > brackets?
The 3 ambushes had some good looking custom mobs, but also had a lot of electric blast that sapped my END to 0, causing my toggles to drop. I tried flying up in the air since I could see the boss could fly, hoping to leave the ambushes behind, but at least some of them could fly, too. The boss + ambushes ended up killing me when I had the boss down to around 10% and was out of inspirations. My allies got killed somewhere in the shuffle.
On my third try I saw Xhantranos seemed to be with some custom minions; several of them had stacking Dispersion Fields up. When I attacked Xhantranos, something immediately hit me with a Blizzard or Ice Storm that reduced my recharge a lot. I managed to pull Xhantranos away from all these horrible minions, but by that point I had bled out so much that I couldn't beat him, so I ended up zoning out and restocking on inspirations.
Fourth try I pulled Xhantranos away from the other mobs and was soloing him, but he hit me with Total Focus, then Energy Transfer, which killed me through my capped DEF due to chomping 3 purple inspirations.
On my fifth try I again pulled Xhantranos away from the other minions and finally managed to defeat him after eating 3 purples, then when those ran out, eating another 3 purples; using Dull Pain and 5 greens to counteract the lucky hits he got through. Whew! At that point the mission completed, though I hadn't yet found Sadu'sii or Sergeant Luther yet, but that's probably okay.
"You have defeated Xhantranos. Existance is saved."
"Existance" should be "Existence" here, or maybe "All of existence".
Debriefing: A nice wrap-up from Thellos. "Existance" should be "Existence".
This was the only mission in this story arc.
Overall
This mission was a nice finish to the multi-arc story as a whole. However, I didn't think Part 3 really works as a component chapter of the story. It's basically a single mission which is the final boss fight for the whole epic, so really has little story to speak of, aside from that fight. With the pacing of the story, however, I don't think there is enough story to insert into Part 3 to give it a similar amount of material as the first two parts. It really feels like this should be the last mission of Part 2, and not separated out into a Part 3. Part 2 also ends in a battle with an Aspect of Xhantranos; I wonder if you could make that into the real finale of the epic instead? The "Mind of Xhantranos" was somewhat more interesting than "Xhantranos Unbound" due to the "Mind" having some actual dialog, while Xhantranos Unbound, as written, is a mindless entity.
I did like the various battles between factions you met during the first two chapters against the Xhantranos reflections. I kind of thought the Xhantranos reflections were pulled out of nowhere, though, since they never appeared in parts 1 or 2, despite Xhantranos being heavily present in those parts.
The Wrath of Xhantranos and Hatred of Xantranos etc. mobs were pretty cool as ambushes and I can see why they wouldn't appear until you actually fight an aspect of Xhantranos; I kinda wonder why they wouldn't appear when fighting Mind of Xhantranos in arc 2? (Space limitations, I assume; but it would be logical for them to show up there.)
The actual boss fight was very hard; an energy melee EB is a rough customer. I think this is justified by him being the final boss of an epic arc, and admittedly I am playing a character that is low for the stated level range. However, I do think some of the ambushes should be tuned down a bit, though -- having a bunch of enemies suddenly show up mid-fight with force fields (+DEF for the EB), ice storms (-RCHG for the player) and electric blast (END drain for the player) is pretty killer. I did end up eventually beating the boss, but I went to more effort than I expect most people will. I suggest you do some more playtesting of this final encounter to make sure it is reasonably fair.
Mainly, though, I think this mission feels like it should really be the finale for the previous chapter; it doesn't quite have enough story to be its own chapter.
With all that in mind, I gave this part 3 stars. Hope you think that is fair!
-----
I owe a review to:
@Ridiculous Girl - Hero Therapy! 119228
@Cheriour - Revenge of Dr Radium 100293
Graeve_Digger - 2 of Hero Simulator Ch1 172700, Ch2 172468
Major_Paragon - Fatale Attraction 181264
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
MA: 101867, "A Ghost Story....."
From the slums of the Rogue Isles to the highest levels of Arachnos. A tragic love, unforgivable betrayal, a web of lies & a truth long buried is uncovered! The untold backstory of how a Night Widow named Belladonna Vetrano came to be the Ghost-Widow and the man she loved then died for.
From the slums of the Rogue Isles to the highest levels of Arachnos. A tragic love, unforgivable betrayal, a web of lies & a truth long buried is uncovered! The untold story of how a Night Widow named Belladonna Vetrano came to be the Ghost-Widow & the man she loved then died for.
MA:101857
Hero Therapy! review (arc id 119228)
Premise appears to be some sort of counseling service for heroes who are stressed out about fighting bad guys. Level ranges scale up, with the first and lowest mission at 5-20, ramping up to the final mission which is 41-54. It's blue side, but I'm trying to level my brute, so I played a 28 SS/will brute.
Mission 1
Briefing: The contact, "The Therapist", wants to put me through some sort of "dream therapy" to help me with the inner demons that are tormenting me. He then "hypnotises" me. Interesting setup. "refered" should be "referred". "surpised" should be "surprised".
The various mission captions, "Therapy Session One" etc should perhaps be in larger font, bolded, colored or otherwise made to stand out from the rest of the text.
Inside the mission are some low level mobs with fairly surreal dialog. I find the Therapist and he wants me to confront my grade school librarian. This kind of make sense for the character I'm playing, who became a villain after a traumatic experience in grade school....
Found "The Steel You Lack" as an ally too, which is kind of weird...if I lack this "steel" shouldn't he not appear in my subconscious? I also kinda think he should have a more profound name, like "Determination" or "Initiative".
Consider awarding a clue on defeating the Librarian or completing mission 1, indicating the player has conquered one of her fears. (It is explained in the debriefing, but this could be missed by players on a team that don't see the debriefing.)
Mission 2
Briefing: more psychobabble and another dream session.
Inside the mission, someone says:
[NPC] Wing Talon Agent: So, I am wondering why we are patroling this place...
"patroling" should be "patrolling".
Ran into a group of Little Nightmares, custom dual blades/kinetics minions. Multiple stacked siphon speeds is actually pretty nasty. I think this was an ambush. You might consider playtesting them against a mid-sized to large team; a large ambush of kinetics minions might be too nasty.
Then I fought some Wyvern who were in a faction called Middle Random Encounters; not sure you meant for that faction name to be visible to the player.
Found glowies called "Broken Friendship" and "Broken Promise"; each put some nice text into my Global Chat window, but this would be easy to miss for most players. You might consider having each one give a clue for the clue journal. This would also let players on the team who didn't click the glowy know what happened.
What is the significance of the little rabbits and clowns with afros? Is there meaning to being in the hospital? I guess they are just part of the dream, but I'm thinking everything here must have some kind of symbolism.
I think it's odd that this mission's boss is Vanity, but the previous mission's boss was a Librarian. Vanity and Librarian seem disparate concepts. Maybe it should be Vanity and Fear, or maybe Ex-Girlfriend and Librarian.
Mission 3
Briefing: basically a third therapy session where I link up with the psychologist and go fight a symbolic representation of one of my problems. This was kinda cool the first time but is now feeling a little repetitive.
"Lost Memory" glowies, same comment as previous mission; consider having them give a clue.
I like rescuing the "Repressed Memory" hostage.
"Secret Shame" has a nice costume and dialog; definitely implies I did something really bad in my past. Though I confess that bludgeoning a schoolgirl to death doesn't seem like it should really be good therapy for "my Secret Shame". The symbolism of beating up "shame" may be wrong for what the therapist is trying to do; I wonder if it would be better symbolism if you were to rescue "Secret Shame" and lead her to the door, letting her go? Confessing your Secret Shame and then learning acceptance seems like it would be more mentally healthy than repressing it further.
Mission 4
Briefing: the contact asks "Are you ready for your 4th and final session?" He goes on to repeat it's the final session at least 3 times. This rings false to me; I don't believe a psychologist would state this was a final session, as there is no certainty this session will be successful (and thus it might require follow-on sessions). It would be better if the contact tells you that you're done after you succeed with the mission, rather than setting up possibly false expectations.
Second part of briefing: contact mentions my "Secret Shame" will be present as an ally; but symbolically, it makes no sense for "Shame" to be something that helps me.
I like the symbolism of the negative attributes that you overcome in each mission, returning to help you in the next mission. But I think you could deepen this symbolism by changing the name of the mob each time.
For example in mission 1 you could defeat Fear (the librarian); in mission 2, the librarian returns but is now named Courage. (You can change the name while still using the same model, so shouldn't require much more space). In mission 2 you defeat Vanity (the Roman girl), then she returns in mission 3 as your ally, now named Self Confidence. In mission 3 you defeat Secret Shame, and she could return in mission 4 named Self Image. Something like that.
Second part of briefing: "curiousity" should be "curiosity". "Would you like fries with that hamburger?" seems a poor choice for a post-hypnotic trigger phrase since someone could easily say that to the character at Up-and-Away Burger and accidentally trigger the hypnotic suggestion. Should use a more nonsensical phrase that no one is likely to say.
In the mission: gah, Sappers! There's sappers in my dream!
I destroy an object called "The Trip to the Emergency Room" .. not sure what destroying this represents; destroying a memory doesn't seem correct symbolism. Also clicked a "Your Toy Box" glowy. Neither one gave me a clue; possibly both of them should give me something, for the sake of color, even if it is not specifically plot relevant.
Lots more interesting objects representing petty annoyances that maybe festered into seething rage. I especially like "That One Parking Ticket!" Consider giving the mobs guarding these destructible objects dialog that is relevant to the particular psychological problem they are guarding; the guys guarding the parking meter would say something about how public parking bothers you now, or the guys guarding the Crate of Bad Memories could hint at the bad memories you've suppressed, the guys guarding "Your first car accident" could bemoan the damage to your car, stuff like that.
[NPC] Air Thorn Caster: Well, it is certain a nightmare for me..
"certain" should be "certainly"
Found a Happy Memory glowy, which I clicked; should maybe give a clue, too.
Met some CoT and Crey in a faction called "Random Encounters"; probably should have a better group name.
I found "Your First Car Accident" and thought it was a little weird that I should destroy the car, when the info is "You loved that car". It seems like damaging the car until it explodes would actually be damaging to my psyche, if I really loved it that much.
"That one summer" maybe should have a clue. "Vegetables for dinner" is funny, also.
I kinda think I should be destroying all the destructible objects in this mission, but they aren't a required objective, and actually trigger ambushes. So I'm not sure if it's actually a good idea to be doing these side objectives. But they're too interesting not to do, so I end up fighting the ambushes.
"Your old bookself..." should be "Your old bookshelf". Should give a clue.
Found "The Door" and beat him up. From looking at him and his description, I have no idea what he's supposed to symbolize; certainly he is the "final obstacle" but what does he represent? Based on his dialog...maybe "Doubt"?
I kind of think that all of the Door's dialog should be this negative, self-hating stuff that he currently says -- except his final defeat message, which should become a message of hope. Since you've defeated Doubt, unlocked the Door, etc.
Debriefing: "to point a few little things" ... should be "to point out a few little things".
The contact does explain some of the symbolism of the Door, but I still think it would make more sense for the final boss to represent some particular concept, like Doubt.
"aspects of you mind" should be "aspects of your mind".
"recurrance" should be "recurrence" .. or maybe "reoccurence".
Overall
A very interesting concept for an arc. I like the idea presented here, of mentally overcoming certain obstacles and turning them into strengths.
I like the symbolism presented - however, I think there should be even more symbolism, since every mission is really just a dream sequence, everything should mean something. I love the little non-required side objectives (non-required glowies, hostages and destructible objects) and I think some or all of them should be given clues for the player to read in their clue journal. The ones that have mobs guarding them should have dialog talking about the memory or the concept they are guarding. I also think the maps should have some symbolism; I'm quite puzzled as to why the hospital map, the burning office and Dr. Vahzilok's lair were chosen. They should mean something. I'm sure you must have some reason for choosing these maps, but it wasn't quite apparent to me; perhaps their symbolism should be made more clear. I got pretty obsessed with dream interpretation and wondering what everything in this arc "meant" (like what's up with the bunnymen and the clown people?) and would really like if the symbolism of these elements were made more clear to the player. (Or if they really don't have symbolism and are just meant to be weird, if they could be made to represent some part of the player's psyche.)
I thought it was quite a neat arc overall; but I think there's several things that could be added to deepen the symbolism and make the dream sequence even more immersive. I gave it 4 stars.
-----
I owe a review to:
@Cheriour - Revenge of Dr Radium 100293
Graeve_Digger - 2 of Hero Simulator Ch1 172700, Ch2 172468
Major_Paragon - Fatale Attraction 181264
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
I gave some feedback on Teen Phalanx Forever earlier this week, so if you can provide some for my new arc The History of Statesman (219484) I'd appreciate it very much.
The Revenge of Dr. Radium review (arc #100293)
Premise is that you help Dr. Aeon avert some sort of future catastrophe. Level range is 40-54 heroic. I played a 50 MA/SR scrapper with soft capped defense on Unyielding difficulty.
The contact is Dr. Aeon. It's a little odd for a heroic arc to have a villain as contact, but he's a scientist too, so maybe it works.
Mission 1
The mission title "Dr. Radium's Revenge" and subtitle "Part 1: Crey Chronal Chaos" maybe should be in a larger font or in bold, to make it stand out from the rest of the briefing.
Briefing: Aeon immediately addresses the fact that he's a villain "but only in the name of science!" which handles my earlier concern. He doesn't really say much about what I'm supposed to do before I accept the mission.
Second part of briefing: I like how he goes into technobabble, before realizing he needs to explain it in normal terms. It's weird that he wants me to steal things for him. He does address the fact that I'm a "hero" so would have concerns about this.
I'm a little worried that it looks like he wants me to gather X objects to assemble his device. I feel like that's an awfully generic sounding fantasy quest type plot.
I'm also kind of iffy on doing all this just on Dr. Aeon's say-so, when he's a known supervillain and all. How do I know I'm helping him build a device to save the world, and not a doomsday device? Seems questionable.
Inside the mission, there's some very colorful custom Crey enemies with a particle physics theme going on. I like the random bored chatter they have, before I bust in on them.
I found lots of false glowies (with neat descriptions), then found a safe that is labeled "Tachyon Displacement Field Emitter" ... I kinda think this safe should be "Safe" and you only find it has the emitter inside when you open it.
Mission 2
Subtitle: "Counfounding" should be "Confounding".
Briefing: I like how Dr Aeon is totally trash talking Vandal in this briefing. Aeon is generally well-characterized in the dialog he's had so far. He sends me to steal another object for him.
More nice dialog among the Council as I run past them. I find a glowy labeled Vandal's Helmet, but it seems to be a box of tech parts, which is a little odd; not sure there is a good helmet or robot looking clicky though.
Mission 3
Briefing: steal item 3; afraid this plot feels rather generic. This time it sounds like the widget I'm stealing is actually part of an enemy boss, a psychic clockwork; at least that's different. Also, "Transferance" should be "Transference" in the first part of the briefing, and also in the mission name (in the nav tool).
I kinda think Krzz'nok Klachak'zzt's description should mention a spiral-shaped copper device glowing with a pinkish purple light (matching Aeon's briefing). Minor nitpick, admittedly.
I like the "Intruder alert!" dialogs, very Robotron.
Mission exit popup: "Transferance" should be "Transference".
Mission 4
Briefing: Now that I've gotten Dr Aeon the 3 things he needs to save the world, I am so totally shocked that he's actually going to build some kind of weapon and not save the world at all! Like totally surprised!! Um, no, actually that was pretty obviously what would happen, and helping this guy out was a bad idea from the start.
Having Dr Radium be, basically, Dr Aeon's evil twin (can you be an evil twin if the other twin is also evil?) is a nice twist. I wonder if I should tell him that Dr Geist is ripping off his hairstyle, too?
Second part of briefing: "temporaldimensional" should be two words (two instances of this)..unless it's intended to be a made-up pseudoscientific word.
"morpholuminascent" should be "morpholuminescent".
Inside the mission: I'm not quite sure why it is necessary to Defeat Dr. Radium, when Dr. Radium has stated that he wants to take out Dr. Aeon, who is, as it happens, a supervillain. I don't think it's clearly established that Dr. Radium is, in fact, a villain too; okay, so there's the evil laugh and the mad scientist attitude, but that's kind of circumstantial. The only crimes we've seen Dr. Radium commit so far is hiring someone to steal a bunch of stuff....which the player is complicit in....
I kind of wonder if Defeat Dr. Aeon should be an objective, too? As long as we're in his lab, anyway.
Weirdly, there are friendly Arachnos in this mission. I guess to fight the hostile "Radium's Raiders" mercenaries. I kind of wonder if it might make sense for Radium's mercenaries to be Rogue Arachnos, or maybe Malta/KoA? They ARE mercenaries, and would let you reuse an existing group (to save space).
I like the AeonCorp Labtech that says "Please don't hurt me! I just work here!"
Dr. Radium really needs a description. The fact that he was an EB with Aim was pretty nasty for me (since I'm SR and rely only on defense) but maybe is ok for the end boss of the arc. At around half life he announced he was activating the Chronal Psychostabilizer, and I thought this meant an ambush or something, but nothing ever happened.
Curiously, I killed Dr. Radium, but the mission didn't end. Exploring the room further, I found a Dr Radium #2! Aha! So this is what the Chronal Psychostabilizer does. I got Dr. Radium #2 down to half and he again announced he was activating the Chronal Psychostabilizer, and watching the nav tool I now see I have "2 Dr. Radiums to defeat". I beat up #2 then started looking for the next one. I defeat #3, then I had to destroy the Chronal Psychostabilizer, then I beat #4 to complete the mission.
Defeating 4 willpower EBs in a row is quite a tall order! I think some players might find that annoying, though. I soon learned to run away for 10 seconds every time he did the Aim animation, though. I do like the player needing to destroy the machine to stop the final Dr. Radium, though.
I think you might want to add a clue linked to the defeat of Dr. Radium #3 hinting to the player that she should find the Chronal Psychostabilizer and destroy it; it does appear in the nav tool, granted, but an additional clue flashing in front of them would help to emphasize that.
Debriefing: Totally like the way Aeon is portrayed here, snooty and arrogant but unable to understand when a microphone is live. Very fitting.
Overall
I very much like the characterization of both Aeon and Radium, the mad science elements, and the extra background dialog and optional glowies that were sprinkled all over the missions. Good final mission also, battling Dr. Radium and then eventually destroying his gadget in order to beat him.
I had some problems with the overarching plot, though; I immediately found it unbelievable that the player is forced to steal a bunch of stuff for Dr. Aeon, ostensibly to "save the world", merely on his say-so. Unsurprisingly, "Dr. Aeon" ends up betraying you. The plot forces you to be gullible enough to be fooled by this fairly transparent lie. I'm afraid I also don't care for the "Gather the 3 Scattered Pieces of the Magical Artifact of Power" plot that the story begins with; it's such a generic fantasy quest type plot. I also am somewhat confused as to why it is necessary to take down Dr. Radium; Dr. Radium is not explicitly shown doing anything particularly bad or threatening, and seems to only really be a menace towards Dr. Aeon, a known villain.
These plot problems keep me from giving the arc a perfect score, but I did really like the dialog and characterization and the extra details in the missions. I ended up rating this 4 stars.
-----
I owe a review to:
Graeve_Digger - 2 of Hero Simulator Ch1 172700, Ch2 172468
Major_Paragon - Fatale Attraction 181264
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Hi, I ran Celebrity Kidnapping on my Thugs/Poison Mastermind. (It was either that or Axis & Allies, which sounds too dark for me.)
Anyway, feedback:
Mish 1:
Good assortment of enemy types in the map.
I laughed at the paparazzi ... and then they killed me! 
I feel just like Princess Di.
When you grab Paris, you should spawn bosses or patrols, to make the trip out a bit more interesting.
Mish 2:
So if we collect all the ransom money, I get 33%. ... But I'm being sent to grab the first half, which, if I KEEP, would mean I get 50%.
This map looks familiar ... and, suddenly, I'm hungry for a ham sandwich.
Mish 3:
That's some great logic, Willy. And, by that same reasoning, if anything were to happen to YOU....
Wow, we're all a bunch of dirty double-crossers here, aren't we?
This time, when the paparazzi show, I hit 'em with gang war. That seems to work.
Nice Amanda Vines cameo.
Also, nice you-know-who cameo. I was impressed, even if my thugs weren't.
Nice ending. Boy, been wanting to do that for awhile.
Fun arc! Just wish it weren't over so soon. I enjoyed seeing the collision between villainy and paparazzi. Five stars.
Anyway, would you review my new arc: Threefold Rule (197183)? Thanks!
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 1, the Beta Testers review (arc id 172700)
Premise is that you are a beta tester for a new Architect Entertainment product. Arc description recommends playing solo on lowest difficulty. "suprise" should be "surprise" in the arc description.
Mission 1
Briefing: the contact purports to be a member of Architect Entertainment QA and sends me to rescue a simulated hostage. Hmm, OK; this all seems rather meta, as it is AE that is simulating the story arc with an AE simulation in it.
The contact told me to "log in to the computer", but when I click the computer, the progress bar says "Hacking" ... should probably say "Logging in" if I have legitimate access.
I got a clue, which the mission urges me to read, but at the same time an Arachnos ambush showed up and attacked me, making it difficult to look at the clue at the same time.
After clearing the ambush, I read the "Video Message 1 from Clifford" clue. "Archanos" should be "Arachnos". This message seems to contradict what Clifford said in the briefing; I'm not sure if this message is from the "real" Clifford or is supposed to be part of the simulation scenario.
I start running into mobs of the "Little Old Ladies" faction; the briefing said I was supposed to rescue a Little Old Lady, but they attack me instead. Presumably this is part of the "messed up mission" the clue described.
Nasty Marm's description: "remeber" should be "remember".
The demon being held hostage by the little old ladies is funny.
[NPC] Scared Demon!: Thank Gad, Opps did I just say the G word. My boss is gonna kill me!
I think you mean "God" and not "Gad", but possibly the profanity filter is messing you up.
Mission exit popup: "It looks Clifford tinkered with the mission" should be "It looks like Clifford tinkered with the mission".
Debriefing: rather weird. Is Clifford conspiring to sabotage the AE product release? The clue also suggested I should give a lengthy debriefing, but the actual debriefing is very short.
The little old ladies holding the demon hostage was funny; but how did the Arachnos ambush factor into it?
Mission 2
Briefing: The contact is definitely acting very weird, seemingly acknowledging that he sabotaged the last mission. So now he's sending me on another mission...err...hero simulation test.
I'm not sure what the accept message, "Beta Hero/Villain, I hope not!" means. He again wants me to check a computer.
The contact told me that this should be a mafia type mission where I have to clear my name, but inside the mission, the objectives seem to have nothing to do with that. Instead there is some kind of fantasy adventure thing going on.
Mission title "Destroy the Magic Alter" and objective "Destroy Magic Alter" should have "Altar" for both instances of Alter.
The orcs and goblins are in a faction called "Fantasy Bad", but maybe their group name should be "Bad Fantasy". Also, "He is just a plain old Orc" isn't really a very good description; it doesn't tell anything more than the name of the mob, "Orc".
The progress bar, "Waiting for vidoe popup" should have "video" instead of "vidoe". Another Arachnos ambush shows up with exactly the same dialog.
After fighting the ambush, I read "Video Message 2 from Clifford". It seems that Clifford swapped the mafia mission for this generic fantasy mission as part of his plan to delay Hero Simulator from "going gold", because "something is going on", which Clifford is heroically investigating. Meanwhile, I guess I'm left to fight imaginary orcs and goblins in the simulation.
[NPC] Red Skin Goblin: In Orcish.... Just wave your arms about, this will really freak her out!!
"In Orcish...." doesn't really get the idea they're speaking orcish across. I'd suggest you either make them speak gibberish-looking characters, or surround their dialog in some kind of special symbols, or just have them speak "Common".
I rescue the fantasy girl and she calls me "the great and handsome warrior Clifford", which is kinda funny. The "Cliffords Babe" clue should probably be punctuated "Clifford's Babe".
I found a glowy that generated a clue of "Junk" with the text "Nothin of interest, but suprising fun to poke through this junk!" This glowy and this clue don't seem to add anything to the story; I'd suggest you either put some more interesting text here, or consider deleting it. Also "Nothin" should be "Nothing" and "suprising" should be "surprising".
Found an Elven Archer roaming around, a member of "Fantasy Good" faction... "Fantasy Good" doesn't quite sound right, you might call them "Fantasy Adventurers" or "Fantasy Heroes" or something. Also, her description of "She is tought to hit!" should probably give a little more detail. "tought" should be "tough".
When I ran into more orcs, Helpless Woman pulled out two rapiers and started slashing at the orcs. This seems to defy her name of "Helpless Woman"; may want to rename her if she's going to fight stuff. "Fantasy Woman" or "Clifford's Babe" or something like that.
[NPC] Ancient Artifact: Who disturbs the Magic Alter of Zenges!
"Alter" should be "Altar".
[NPC] Ancient Artifact: I warn you now, You have been Warned!
This is a pretty awful line, but maybe is intended to sound like bad dialog.
[NPC] Ancient Artifact: I will have my vengence on you Clifford!!
"vengence" should be "vengeance". Also, should this Artifact be named Magic Altar to be more clear?
"Fantasy Mission" clue that says "It appears that our friend Clifford inserted a mission that he had made just for himself" got awarded at the end of the mission; probably would've made more sense to give this clue near the beginning of the mission.
Mission exit popup says that I should play along with his game still, and delaying the beta test should buy him time...but for what? Still no idea what is going on.
Debriefing: Clifford again slyly admits to messing up the beta test. This one-line debriefing seems much too short. You might consider moving some of the text from "Mission thoughts" to here; it might make more sense for that text to be in the debriefing anyway.
I'm not really sure I like how this is going so far.... apparently Clifford is investigating something interesting, but I'm not involved in it, as Clifford is instead sending me on, essentially, random unrelated missions that are intentionally buggy or trite.
Mission 3
Briefing: The contact says "that last debriefing was pretty rough", but in fact the last debriefing was just one line, which involved him winking at me and essentially admitting he's screwing up the missions. So now he's sending me on another mission, claiming that other testers like it and finishing the mission involves destroying an ant hill. But I'm not sure why I should even listen to the briefing any more, since none of the briefings have been true up to this point.
Should have a period after "ant hill".
Mission accept message, "Area you ready" should be "Are you ready".
Second part of briefing: He tells me he didn't change it, so it should run exactly as planned. Sure, Clifford. Like I believe you any more.
Need to add a period after "but most of all be careful". "Archanos ambush" should be "Arachnos ambush" with a period after it.
Mission title is "Have a Blast, Destroy the giant ant hill to exit"...seems not very descriptive of the mission. Suggest rewording it to ...whatever the actual goal of this mission is. Maybe make destroying the ant hill an objective.
Inside the mission, it seems to be an outdoor mission with all mobs named "Farmer Bob", who are battle axe/fire armor minions. I think this is meant to be a parody of MA farming missions, but it doesn't quite work for me. A real farm mission has mobs in it other than the farmers. It might be funnier if the farmers had some sort of dialog, also.
There's lots of glowies labeled "Big Machine", and clicking one gives me a clue of "Wow, that was a lot of fun!!" This doesn't seem to add anything to the story though.
I'm not really into farming the Farmers, so I go out and find the giant ant hill, which rewards me with the dialog:
[NPC] Ant Hill: Your about to exit the mission.
[NPC] Farmer Bob: Finish all the Farmers first, then come here.
I'm not sure why an Ant Hill can talk, but "Your" should be "You are". And fortunately this doesn't appear to be a defeat all, so I can ignore Farmer Bob's one line encouraging me to farm Farmers. I bash the giant ant hill, which continues to insist that I should go out and finish off the other mobs before killing it. I think this is intended to be some sort of parody, but I'm afraid it did not come across as being very funny.
At the end of the mission I get two clues, "Odd sensation" which just says I found the simulation very stimulating, and "Fun Stuff" which says "That was a lot of fun to do! ... I wonder how Clifford made out while we were in the simulator?" It really does not feel like these clues add much to the story.
Debriefing: Seems kinda short, but the contact does say the Paragon Police were here while I was in the simulation. It seems most of the plot of this story arc occurs elsewhere while I'm doing the missions. This kinda makes the player seem irrelevant to the story. I am actually not sure what the player's role in this story is meant to be. It seems like Clifford is the protagonist.
Mission 4
Briefing: Clifford has discovered "the one that is behind all of this tampering with our Hero Simulator" and wants me to go after him. But...up to this point, the only one who has been tampering with the Hero Simulator is Clifford, himself. So this doesn't quite make sense.
Also Clifford claims he found this out from an "insider at the Paragon Police depatrment" (sic). What exactly has Clifford been doing all this time if he just got fed this info by someone else anyway? I thought he was doing some kind of technical investigation. Also, "depatrment" should be "department".
So I'm sent on another mission...but this is weird, because the first three missions were all "simulated" inside AE's Hero Simulator. Is this fourth mission also "simulated" or am I actually finding the bad guy in real space? This is rather confusing and should be made clearer.
Ran into some custom zombies named "Dead Beat" with a description of "Dark Invuln Minion" ... needs a better description. Or, consider using an existing zombie mob, like Vahzilok or Banished Pantheon zombies.
I found Grave Digger, who seems to be looking for eye of newt. So he's some kind of witch? I thought he was hacking into AE, so oughta be a techy. Seems inconsistent. Grave Digger's description is just "Grave Digger"; should actually have some description there.
Found documents that gave me the "Smoking Gun? Hardly!" clue. In this clue, "grave Digger" should be capitalized "Grave Digger", and I think "Holographic simulator" should be "Hero Simulator" based on previous usage.
I exit the mission and find the story arc is over? Taking care of Grave Digger was enough to make Clifford happy. But the evidence found in Grave Digger's mission indicates that he didn't really do it? (Whatever "it" was.)
I guess the story continues in Chapter 2, but this seems an awkward place to end Chapter 1. The story itself calls it "anticlimactic" in the mission exit popup.
Overall
I thought it was amusing that Clifford switched the Old Lady and the Demon in the first mission, and Clifford's fantasy adventure was kinda funny. I didn't much like the third mission, which seemed to be trying to make fun of farms, but really was pretty much the same as a farm. The fact that Clifford was clearly sabotaging the missions and was running his own investigation of something that I wasn't really included in (until the final mission) didn't work well for me; it felt like I was being sent on completely random missions that had nothing to do with the main plot, and meanwhile Clifford is off doing whatever the actual heroics in the story are.
The final mission is the only one where I got included in Clifford's investigation, and it turns out we don't even catch the right guy, and then the story suddenly ends.
The mission briefings were all deliberately misleading, rarely having anything to do with the actual mission, and the debriefings and custom mob descriptions were nearly empty of text. Along the way there were also a lot of clues that don't say anything meaningful. I like clues, but they need to communicate something either relevant to the plot, amusing, or at least interesting to read. I think you could greatly improve the story if you rewrite some of these briefings, debriefings, descriptions and clues to have more direct relevance to the plot of your story arc.
My suggestion for how to improve the plot: focus either on the "beta testing" of the simulation, or else on the "investigation" of wrong doing. Having both these plotlines in the same story arc didn't seem to work well. Pick one as your main story, and cut out everything that isn't connected to your main plot.
If you choose "beta testing" as your main plotline, rewrite it so that it's not Clifford sabotaging the Hero Simulator, but rather some kind of software bugs or file corruption or something. You could then still have a sequence of seemingly random missions with screwed up results, and play it up to be funny. (I'd drop the farm map though.) Make Clifford, the QA guy, chagrined that the product is malfunctioning (instead of knowingly winking that he's sabotaged it, like he currently does). Have the finale of the arc be isolating whatever the malfunction is.
Or if you choose "investigate the saboteur" as your main plotline, drop the first three missions as irrelevant and start with tracking down Grave Digger, then add more missions that follow up to find who the real perpetrator is. Do a little more build-up of whatever the bad guy actually did; as the story is currently presented, I have little idea why we're after whomever this bad guy is. Clifford claims it's someone who has been messing up the Hero Simulator, but the way it's presented, the only guy messing up the Hero Simulator is Clifford himself.
Anyway, as it stands right now, I feel the story is buried under a series of random, seemingly irrelevant missions which keep the player away from the actual plot, which seems to be mostly handled by Clifford off-screen. I'm afraid having a farm mission in the middle, having weak descriptions, and finally having the player catch the wrong person and fail to catch the real bad guy in the end, all gave me a negative impression too. With all that, I felt I could only give this 1 star. Sorry!
-----
I owe a review to:
Major_Paragon - Fatale Attraction 181264
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Graeve_Digger - Hero Simulator Ch2 172468 [moved part 2 down a couple slots to look at other arcs in between]
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
Thanks for your efforts PW. Having your eyes on my work, will really help. Especially with clarifying the things that you commented on.
Two things that I think that made things too difficult to figure out where the 'Debriefings', and your role in the story.
You were hired as a Beta Tester, that is important because, the character is working for Clifford as a Beta Tester, nothing more. You were not hired to do heroic stuff for Clifford, just to do Beta Testing. Think of this like a side job between all the real work.
Now, as a Beta Tester, you were expected to give debriefings after the mission to the 'Boss', who you never see because he is the boss of Clifford. Thus, I can only provide dialoge to indicate that this has occured. This obviously threw you off, so I need to tighten up that part.
Another thing that you didn't pick up on, and I should try to figure out how to indicate better, is that 'officially' your doing testing, so Clifford tells you what is 'officially' going on, while whispering to you what you should be expecting. This is done to indicate that Clifford does not trust people around him (like the boss and co-workers), but you are to trust him.
Here is what the story is trying to tell. When MA was released, back in the spring, everybody flocked to it, so the streets were empty, and everybody was at AE. Then as the farming expanded, the developers came in and made corrections to the game, and many people returned to fill the streets again. My story tries to explain these odd happenings.
Overall This is how I intended it to play out....
-You are signed on to work as a Beta Tester for AE, where Clifford is the Lead Tester
-You are asked to provide debriefings to Cliffords Boss after each mission
M1
You start a simulated mission, but Clifford indicates that something might be up. In the mission things are backwards, exiting your confused, but feel that playing along with Cliffords needs is ok for the moment.
M2
Similar to M1, the mission is completely wrong, more than the first, but Clifford indicated that this would happen. Your role at this point is to buy Clifford time. This is done by making long debriefs to the Boss (between the missions)
M3
The Boss is impatient with the way the testing is going, so he makes Clifford give you a specific mission which is popular with other testers, as indicated in the text. In the mission, which is as you noticed a parady of farming, your suppose to get the idea that this is way too fun, indicating an addiction is taking place.
M4
This mission is a fast wrapup, in the 'real world' that is too leave you wondering what just happened. You feel like it is unresolved, which is to encourage you to do Arc 2. You did catch this feeling, but because you missed the other elements (which I need to tighten up), you found it too confusing.
It looks like I need to clarify the story quite a bit, because I know that you examine all elements to critique them.
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 1, The Beta Tester
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 2, The Robot Mystery
More Info at....
https://boards.cityofheroes.com/show...0#Post13494207
[ QUOTE ]
Graeve_Digger - Hero Simulator Ch2 172468 [moved part 2 down a couple slots to look at other arcs in between]
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
[/ QUOTE ]
Interesting. My arc also revolves around an investigation into an AE program (though from a villainous side). Hopefully it will make an interesting "compare and contrast" exercise for you, PW.
-D
Darkonne: Pinnacle's (unofficially) mighty Dark Miasma/Radiation Blast enthusiast!
Be sure to check out this mighty Arc:
#161865 - Aeon's Nemesis
Fatale Attraction review (arc id 181264)
Premise seems to be to battle a new all-female gang that has recently hit Paragon City. Level range is 1-54 blue side. I played a 29 SS/will brute on low difficulty.
Mission 1
Briefing: I like the background info that the contact gives you here on the Fatales gang. Probably she should ask "Are you interested in helping?" or something similar near the end of her briefing, so that the player's "Accept" message makes more sense.
Second part of briefing: "right here at PCU" sounds a little strange since PCU hasn't been mentioned up to this point; should maybe just say "at Paragon City University", or else mention the university earlier on. Also "sororiety" should be "sorority".
Inside the mission: Possibly "Fatale Virago" in the objectives should be "Defeat Fatale Virago" or perhaps "Defeat gang leader". Or you can omit this objective entirely since it's a Defeat All anyway. The map is pretty small (the university map works really well for this mission) so defeating all isn't a problem for this mission.
Not a lot to the first mission it seems. I do like the clues that I got from defeating the gang members though, and the Fatales have great costumes (very street gang looking) and background info.
Is "Fatale Virago" a named boss or the generic name for Fatale bosses? If all bosses are named that, you might have some confusion if multiple Fatale Viragos are spawned (both in this mission and later ones). May want to give the enemy leader of each mission a unique name.
Debriefing: nicely written debriefing. It's disappointing that the Fatales are let out of jail, but the explanation makes sense.
Mission 2
Briefing: This briefing seems much too short, one sentence that explains nothing about what this mission is about. Suggest you put some more background info about the upcoming mission here, maybe move it from the second part of the briefing (after acceptance), which seems much more detailed.
Mission entry popup: "You know the Fatales are inside" ... actually, the briefing suggested I should just come here and talk to Lisa. The fact that a street gang is here in this jewelry store should (theoretically) be a surprise; you may want to reword the popup message accordingly.
"Fatale Virago" in objectives should maybe be "Defeat Fatale Virago" or "Defeat gang leader".
I couldn't resist clicking the safe glowy; interesting that the gang members showed up to stop me from "stealing" the gems.
Found and fought Fatale Virago; I think she has dialog for each 25% damage she takes, but she spawned as a lieutenant for me, so ended up saying it all really fast. Minor nitpick, admittedly.
I'm a little puzzled as to why Lisa isn't here and there are no jewelry store employees, either.
Debriefing: aha, the debriefing explains all. (A bit later I also saw the second "Virago's Account" clue, which also helps.) The story seems to force the player to have this misunderstanding (beating up "innocent" employees) but it's interesting enough that I'm OK with it so far.
Mission 3
Briefing: OK, I'm kinda uneasy that the contact wants to send me against Rashan again, and even admits she has no evidence other than her gut feeling. Would really like to have at least a circumstantial clue pointing this direction, otherwise this all seems very "loose cannon" of us to continue this investigation. I do like that she cautions me not to confront the Fatales if they aren't doing anything obviously illegal -- she recognizes that the Fatales appear to be legit so far.
Of course entering the mission, the Fatales immediately attack me since I don't have stealth. Oh well.
"Peter Sansone" objective should start out as either "Rescue Peter Sansone" or "Rescue innocent", then when you rescue him, should turn to "Lead Peter to safety" or something similar. Currently it just remains "Peter Sansone" throughout.
Same comment for "Lisa Carpenter" objective; maybe "Capture Lisa Carpenter", then "Lead Lisa into custody" or something. Also, Lisa's description says "From the look of her, she is definitely one of the Fatales' newest members" -- but she actually doesn't look much like the Fatales.
I like the "Chris Jenkins is my lawyer" motif... I fully believe I'm going to get totally sued by him over all this.
Found "Gemstones" glowy; the progress bar needs some text on it. It maybe should be named "Safe" and you find out there are gemstones inside after clicking the glowy. Both this set of gemstones and the last are described as "something doesn't seem quite right about them"...would be nicer to know what this means. This makes them sound counterfeit, but I don't think that's the intent.
Debriefing: "operation on PCU" should be "operation at PCU". Great debriefing otherwise, I like the explanation of what happens to Peter and Lisa and the info we found out about the Fatales kidnapping ring.
Mission 4
Briefing: I like that Meg wants to follow the money and find where the gems came from. This makes sense for an investigation. The reasoning to check the cargo ship seems a little thin though; "we know there is a cargo ship heading for the Rogue Isles" is hardly a smoking gun. There could be a lot of such ships (and airplanes for that matter); I think we need a little more evidence to go on, to pick on this particular ship. "extradict" should be "extradite" also.
Second part of briefing: I like the connection to the "soul trapped gem" invention salvage here.
Inside the mission: "8 Victim" objective should probably be "8 Victims to rescue". 8 seems like a lot of hostages to rescue; you might consider reducing this number, but based on the story premise it makes sense there would be a lot of victims, so I wouldn't have a problem with it staying 8. But if you keep the number of victims high, you should consider mixing together two or more sets of hostage, with different dialog, so it doesn't seem as repetitive.
Found a "Fatales' Payment" glowy; it has no text on its progress bar. This glowy maybe should be called "Safe" and you find out the payment is inside after clicking the glowy.
Very nice debriefing.
Mission 5
Briefing: Very nice set up for the mission. I think I would've preferred the player to find out the clue leading to the place Heist visits, but the description of how Meg finds out is actually quite good, and Meg's reasoning for why this is the place to hit seems spot-on.
Inside the mission: "5 Victim" objective should be "5 Victims to rescue".
I rescued a Victim but he didn't say anything; should have a little dialog.
"Body Bags" glowy has no text on its progress bar, should have something. The clue it gives is nice for supporting the story, though.
"Safe" glowy has no text on its progress bar. Another nice clue for atmosphere.
Heist's dialog: "we may be able to replace some volunteers we lost, thanks to Mega's." (where Mega is my character name) ... doesn't quite scan, maybe should be "volunteers we lost thanks to Mega." or "because of Mega".
Heist's combat dialog: "You can't extradict us!" should be "You can't extradite us!"
Heist's description: "She is the mastermind behind for the kidnappings" .... drop the "for".
Debriefing: "extradict" should be "extradite". I like the fact that even though this is "Part 1 of 3", there is both a definite conclusion here, yet simultaneously there are clues leading to the next arc.
Overall
I actually really liked the plot. It started off slow, but built up over the course of the investigation; I liked how the missing persons case seamlessly flowed into uncovering the horrible truth behind Soul Trapped Gems (now I'm going to have guilty pangs when using those to make IOs). The character designs for the Fatales were very nice, and the writing in the briefings and the debriefings was excellent. Good use of clues and glowies also. I liked the map choices also, which let us see a variety of scenery while making sense in the story. I liked the "You'll be sorry! Chris Jenkins is my lawyer!" references and am somewhat relieved that I didn't actually get sued by him.
I did feel there was missing text in several places (text on the progress bars on some glowies, no dialog/repetitive dialog for hostages in the last couple missions) and had some stylistic quibbles about formatting in places. I think these could be improved, but all that is relatively minor.
I gave this story 5 stars.
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I owe a review to:
@Sumerian - Power Play 187269
Graeve_Digger - Hero Simulator Ch2 172468 [moved part 2 down a couple slots to look at other arcs in between]
Darkonne - 161865 Aeon's Nemesis
@Chocolate Rage - Rider's Ribs Restaurant Rescue 163967
Hercules - 178774 Tales of Croatoa
Emansor - The Day I Tried To Live 131780
Noght - Warrior's Three 64885
twelfth - Can You WIN the Internet? MA Arc #85544
@Stormsurge - Of Liberty and State Pt1 218636
@Citizen Razor - 195149
@Dalghryn - Consequences of War #212069
MrCaptainMan - The Audition Pt1 221240, Pt2 221242
@NullGeodesic - The Superadine Withdrawal Blues 205046
@jjac - The History of Statesman 219484
FoundBoy - Threefold Rule 197183
in queue:
@Canadian Canuk - 99 bottles of Beer 100616
@OverlordIndigo - A Hero is Made, Not Born 20863
Theron - The Construct 91887
@Spry - Saving Grace 124477
@KemLi - A Father's Iron Will 198952
Cerulian Shadow - Attack of the Toymenator 207874
@Mr. Joe Black - A Ghost Story 101857
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
(In regards to your review of 'the Hero Simulator Chapter 1, The Beta Tester')
When I went through your review very carefully, it was quite evident that you didn't accept the role you were asked to play. This was the fatal flaw. Had you been able to accept that you were a Beta Tester for a Hero Simulator, I think you would have been able to follow the story.
Your suggestion of decoupling the Beta Testing and the Investigation would ultimately produce 2 separate and basic stories, neither which would be terribly interesting.
What I was shooting for was to make a more deep, and interesting story.
In the end, I have to understand that because in my attempt to tell a more in depth story, there will be people that just miss what I am presenting. They either get it, or they don't.
I am sorry that you didn't enjoy what I had created. My intention is for people to have fun, not to feel utterly bored. So I appologize for that. The good news is that with your help, hope that I can reduce the number of people that end up suffering the same fate as yourself.
Overall these are the changes I think will help
- add a comment indicating that this is not a simple story
- update the starting text to clarify the playerÂ’s role
- update text to clarify that the debriefings are done away from the game itself
- remove the Arachanos ambushes, which should simplify the story
- make spelling corrections
I hope that when you review chapter 2, you will have a better understanding of the story I was trying to tell (see my previous post). You should find that is a basic A to B to C type story since Chapter 1 was the set up to Chapter 2.
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 1, The Beta Tester
The Hero Simulator, Chapter 2, The Robot Mystery
More Info at....
https://boards.cityofheroes.com/show...0#Post13494207
More on Hero Simulator Part 1
[ QUOTE ]
When I went through your review very carefully, it was quite evident that you didn't accept the role you were asked to play. This was the fatal flaw. Had you been able to accept that you were a Beta Tester for a Hero Simulator, I think you would have been able to follow the story.
Your suggestion of decoupling the Beta Testing and the Investigation would ultimately produce 2 separate and basic stories, neither which would be terribly interesting.
[/ QUOTE ]
Well, I think I do understand that I was beta testing the Hero Simulator in the early missions. My problem was that what I was doing didn't matter for the overall story. The fact that I rescue the Demon does not affect the story at all. The fact that I rescue Clifford's girl and complete his fantasy quest does not affect the story at all. Completing the farm mission certainly didn't affect the story. None of these events even made a difference for the next mission; I was basically failing even as a beta tester because all the buggy stuff that happened was due to Clifford screwing things up, not due to actual "bugs" in the Hero Simulator. Ultimately, it felt like nothing I did mattered.
These problems all feed into a larger problem I had with the set up: the player does not appear to be the protagonist of the story. The story isn't really about the player. If anyone could be said to be the hero of this story (as currently presented), it's Clifford.
I really think story arcs should focus more on the player, making her feel an important part of the story. Of course the player is doing things for the contact, but it's important for the player to feel like the protagonist. If you can change it so that the player feels like she's actually the star, I think it would be a great improvement to the story.
Anyway, I'm glad that you are making some changes based on feedback, and I hope this all helps you out!
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"
[ QUOTE ]
I really think story arcs should focus more on the player, making her feel an important part of the story. Of course the player is doing things for the contact, but it's important for the player to feel like the protagonist.
[/ QUOTE ]
I'd just like to briefly comment on this point. I agree with it in respect to most 'normal' arcs. The Player should feel like the agent of change or progress in the arc he or she is playing - that's what we pay our subs for, after all, lol, to feel like we are making a difference.
However, I also think that some degree of experimentation should be encouraged in use of the MA as a storytelling tool, and as long as the writer makes it clear what he or she is trying to achieve at the outset (or even during the arc if he or she is good enough to produce a positive reaction from a reveal that happens then and not before), then a story where the Player is in some way an observer could be interesting to play. If, of course, the arc is well-made. I think such an aim would have to be pretty clearly sign-posted by the writer from the start to be safe, though.
This is purely an observation on the MA in general, sparked by your sentence. It isnt intended to counter or belittle your opinion, and I wasn't referencing the arc under discussion here either.
Eco.
MArcs:
The Echo, Arc ID 1688 (5mish, easy, drama)
The Audition, Arc ID 221240 (6 mish, complex mech, comedy)
Storming Citadel, Arc ID 379488 (lowbie, 1mish, 10-min timed)
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Samuel_Tow
[The Incarnate System is] Jack Emmert all over again, only this time it's not "1 hero = 3 white minions" it's "1 hero = 3 white rocks."
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Just as a note, on request I'm happy to repost any of my reviews (or at least the rating and summary section of it) to the City of Heroes Mission Review site. I don't do this by default because not all story arcs are listed there. Feel free to post your reviews of my story arcs there if you like, also (this isn't required to get a review or anything though).
@PW - Police Woman (50 AR/dev blaster on Liberty)
TALOS - PW war journal - alternate contact tree using MA story arcs
=VICE= "Give me Liberty, or give me debt!"