Steelclaw

Je_Saist made the comment “anybody else want to know more about the great pun riot of ‘06” in my New Salvage Descriptions thread…. Any hate mail should be directed appropriately.

Now on with our story…

The last of the Clockwork rattled to a stop, their internal mechanisms giving one last creaking sigh before they ceased function, allowing the automatons to fall to the pavement with a clatter. They still glowed a faint green from the effects of Positron’s final radiation blast.

Synapse leaned against the building, an agitated look on his face. He grinned suddenly and ducked down to pick up a small piece of brass that had fallen free of one of the minions. He searched quickly and found one of the smallest of the Clockwork foes. Jamming the piece into the small skeletal body he held it out for his partner’s viewing. “Hey, Posi! Lookit this! You always told me I should get my brass in gear!”

When the more serious hero gave him little more than a distracted snort, Synapse tossed the Gear away and looked around dispiritedly. “Heck, that was hardly worth the effort of pulling on the spandex.”

“Well,” Positron said as he examined one of the fallen foes carefully, looking for any sense whatsoever to the mechanisms that drove it. “We appreciate that you took the time. Although, you showing up naked likely would have distracted the enemy if nothing else.”

“Heh,” Synapse snickered. “So, you’re saying that me in the buff would be a good debuff?”

Positron laughed. He didn’t mean to; it had just been startled out of him. Behind the mask of his power suit he closed his eyes and mouthed an obscenity, praying with all his might that Synapse hadn’t heard him.

No such luck.

“Me in the raw would be a good draw?” He began to warm to his subject, his words coming faster and faster as his super speed and overactive imagination kicked in. “I guess we’d know what the ‘P’ in PBAoE would stand for… and if we were fighting Carnival of Shadows it would be standing all right. I wonder if my electrical powers would be stronger if I were naked… especially my Ball Lightning attack! I bet my Aim power would work better too… because for a sighting post I could use my…”

“Okay, Synapse… that’s enough already…” Positron tried to cut his friend off, but he knew it was already too late. Synapse, in the latter part of his tirade, had been pacing back and forth at super speed, fast enough to blur.

“Oh, wait! I got an idea!” Synapse’s laughter lingered after the speedster himself was long gone.

Moments later he was in Atlas Park standing under the center’s namesake statue. On the way there he had stopped by his apartment for a boombox and one of his home-made music CDs. He popped the disc in the player, the word “Classics” written in marker on its silvery surface. He cranked the music up and soon enough the raw sounds of AC/DC blasted into the air.

The crowd of new heroes and older veterans all turned to look at the well-known hero’s antics. The more experienced of them smiled knowingly, well used to Synapses’ quirks.

Synapse began to sing enthusiastically with the music.

“I’ve got big balls.
I’ve got big balls,
And they’re such big balls,
Dirty big balls.
And he’s got big balls
And she’s got big balls…
But ATLAS has the biggest balls of them all!”

Some of them, unfamiliar with the song or the hero singing it, stared in stunned confusion. The more serious minded sniffed in disdain and turned away. A small knot of heroes however, mostly newbs, laughed uproariously and began to sing along. Soon dozens of heroes joined in and an unholy chorus rose raucously into the air. And every time the final line “Atlas has the biggest balls of them all” was sung, everyone raised their hand to point at the globe the statue held aloft.

They sang on without their leader, however, because Synapse had already thought of something else.

A group of heroes were fighting Tsoo on the coast of Talos Island when a red, white and blue blur erupted into Synapse’s form among them. Synapse had grabbed a very large, very flamboyant cowboy hat from somewhere along the way. He swung his knees wide in a stance that made one think of a cowboy about three days too long in the saddle and moseyed past the surprised group. He pointed out yonder towards the distant statue.

“Now, that right there is one big cow,” he said as he gazed at the Minotaur monument. His accent had more Texas twang than a rack of BBQ ribs. “I heared tell that fella wouldn’t STEER ya wrong. But I gotta think that’s a big load of BULL. I bet he’d just HORN in on a crime scene and then MILK the publicity for all it was worth. How DAIRY try to take all the credit like that? Why someone like that should be mino-TAURED and feathered!”

They had long since stopped fighting. Now they all simply stared, heroes and gang members alike. No one laughed. No one even smiled. They just stared.

Finally, one of the Tsoo sorcerers looked away from Synapse towards the statue, then slowly back again. “I don’t know about all that,” he said hesitantly. “But that’s a LOT of beef fried rice.”

One of the heroes, a blaster who had been seconds away from loosing a fireball at the sorcerer’s head as a matter of fact, let out a snort. Then began to chuckle. “Oh man,” he said as his smile grew. “That was bad. That was UDDERLY awful.”

The entire group began to groan then, Heroes and Tsoo alike, as each started to offer their own jokes. Synapse, however, had already become distracted and raced onwards.

Later, when the majority of the rioting had settled down, the news crews of Paragon City began to interview some of the people more intimately involved with the events. One of the interviewees was a War Wolf by the name of Archon Grizzbane. He had a very hangdog expression as he described his part in the unfolding drama.

“Well, I was on patrol, you see…” he said in a deep voice that nonetheless had a plaintive whining quality to it. “Me and some of the regular troops under my command. Anyway, we were maintaining the perimeter when all of a sudden Synapse runs up to me. He looks real mad and I’m ready order my guys into battle, seein’ as how he’s a hero and all. But then he grabs one o’ my subordinates and points at me an’ he screams ‘don’t you know there are LEASH LAWS in this city?’…”

Grizzbane pauses to take a sip of water while the interviewer nods sympathetically.

“The men started laughin’. I was about to set ‘em straight about it, but then Synapse starts in again. He calls me Archon Fluffy an’ says how I ain’t worth Shih Tzu. An’ tellin’ my men that they oughta Hound me to work harder and shape up. He said that it had rained cats and dogs last night and that I had wet feet so I musta stepped in a Poodle. And if I trained real hard one day I might hit my Pekingese. Then he said he spotted crumbs in my fur and said if I was gonna Wolf my Chow Chow like that I’d better just take a Greyhound to get some Pointers from someone who could Whippet me into shape.”

“I see,” the interviewer said in a soothing voice. “And how did your men respond to this?”

“Well, they laughed at first… but then… well then they started makin’ their own jokes too!”

“And how did that make you feel?”

The huge war wolf, turned towards the camera. His mouth opened to reveal the wickedly curved fangs that, along with his massive frame, made him so formidable. “Well, it kinda hurt my feelings.”

Synapse traveled from location to location in a blinding whirlwind of fast feet and even faster jokes. The puns flew fast and furious and while most people were repelled and, in some cases, left physically ill, there are always SOME in every group that find such things humorous. It was these silly sycophants who took the situation from merely unpalatable to nearly catastrophic. The amateur punsters spread out from each of Synapse’s initial infestation points like bad religion, preaching to the upstanding disbelievers and rendering them into unwashed heathens.

Things began to get out of hand rapidly. Sister Psyche was pelted with every nun-pun in the book. After the third person told her that making her clothes could be “habit-forming” she started knocking the offenders unconscious with her psychic abilities. Only a truly heroic effort kept her from wiping their minds clean completely.

A group of jester-wanna-bes accosted Swan with suggestions that, regarding her feathers, once you go “down” nothing else will do. There were many offers to flip her the Bird, constant warnings to Duck and cover, and one brave soul even attempted to Goose her and they ALL took a Gander. They all thought she was getting in the spirit when she yelled it was time for their “Swan Song” but very few appreciated the punch line. Several were hospitalized by it, as a matter of fact.

Several of the gangs tried to get involved in the festivities, which only compounded the problem. The Tsoo were the unfortunate targets of many a horrible personal attack. A Boy Named Tsoo, Old Tsoo-Zanna, It Takes Tsoo to Tango and “Look out! It’s Tsoo-per Man!” to name but a tsoo… er… a few. They got very surly about the whole thing and began to attack people on sight rather than wait for the jokesters to make the first move. When every last person they assaulted began saying they were gonna “Tsoo the pants of you Tsoo!” the gang members gave up en masse and just went home.

The Hellions got the fire puns. The Skulls earned themselves bone jokes of a rather adult nature. The Carnival of Shadows received more circus puns than any one person should hear in a lifetime.

The Trolls, not being too bright, were not very good at coming up with responses and got progressively angrier and angrier at the jokes being directed at them. The worst were the ones they couldn’t understand like “At least you Trolls are good for the environment, being Green and all.” Finally, they responded with the only pun they understood, one rife with violence. They were stopped just outside Boomtown with approximately five hundred cases of explosives.

The riot was perhaps the most good-natured and non-violent one in human history. No one was destroying public property, except maybe a few brain cells. The only groaning in pain was more emotional and intellectual than physical. The police were instructed to restore order, but considering most of their detectives were bad puns of popular television and movie cops they more often contributed to the problem rather than resolved it.

People learned to avoid Spanky's Boardwalk almost immediately.

Synapse, however, had bigger targets in mind. As the streets were overrun with perilous pun-ishment, the speedster had gathered a small group of his more enthusiastic adherents and left Paragon City entirely. When next they appeared it was in the Rogue Isles. Not only the Rogue Isles, but Grandville itself! The crown jewel of Lord Recluse.

One of the heroes, a technomancer of no small amount of skill, managed to hack into the city’s broadcast system. The constantly repeating message and video of Lord Recluse’s “motivational” speech ended in a blast of static that eventually gave way to an image of Synapse and his back-up dancers. As the entire population turned to stare at the nearest video screen, an old early ‘90s song began to soar eerily into the silence. As it began to play, Synapse and his cronies started to dance, changing the lyrics as they went.

(to the tune of Madonna’s “Vogue”)
Strike a pose…
Strike a pose…
Rogue, rogue, rogue
Rogue, rogue, rogue

Look around, everywhere you turn are bad guys
They’re everywhere that you go! (look around)
You try everything you can to deny
The Chosen One thing really blows (it really blows)

When all else fails and you long to be
Something different than you are today
I know a place where you can start again
It’s called Praetoria… and here’s what it’s for, so…

Going Rogue…
C’mon Sith Lord move to the Light Side (move to the Light Side)
Going Rogue…
Tell Spider-Boy to go blow!
You know you can do it!

All you need is your own paid expansion
So buy it that’s what it’s for! (that’s what it’s for)
Turn around, give up your ill-gotten mansion
And give your cash to the poor! (cash to the poor)

It makes no difference if your Brute or a ‘Mind
If you’re a Stalker or Corr’…
Yeah, you’ll be side jumping and soon you will find
A heroic star, yes, that’s what you are…

Going Rogue…
C’mon Bad Guys don’t be so tragic! (don’t be so tragic)
Going Rogue…
Chosen One hit the road!
You know you can do it!

Rogue… Freedom’s where you find it (move to the light side)
Rogue… Good is right behind it (go with the flow)

Positronic all aglow
Statesman in a picture show
There goes Brawler lookin’ keen
On the cover of a magazine

Manticore and Sister Psyche
The couple we all love to like
Luminary, Swan so fair
Mirror Spirit, queen of air

They had style, they had guts
Saw some villains, kicked their butts
Hellions, Clockwork and some Tsoo
Don’t berate us… we love to!

Ladies with an attitude
Fellows that were feelin’ rude
Don’t just stand there, let’s get to it
Switch your side, there’s nothin’ to it…

ROGUE!

They stood there panting when the dance and song number ended. Synapse, by now used to people laughing and egging him onwards, grinned as he waited for the wave of applause and laughter to sweep over him. The grin slowly faded into a puzzled frown. He looked at the crowd directly in front of him for even the faintest hint of a giggle.

Nothing.

In fact, they didn’t even appear to be looking at HIM. All their eyes instead seemed to focus past him. Synapse turned slowly around and blinked owlishly at what he saw.

Lord Recluse stood not six feet from him. Arrayed behind him were his lieutenants; Captain Mako, Black Scorpion, Scirocco and Ghost Widow. None of them were laughing either.

“Uh, hey guys,” Synapse said in a voice that stammered only slightly. “Long time no see! So, you came out for the performance, huh? I had to come here, guys, I mean… who else in the world needs a good laugh more than you guys? Errr… Mako! Mako my main man! Slip me some fin! No? Oh, come on, do it just for the Halibut. The Halibut… hell of it… oh come, on… give me a Hook… I’m Floundering here. Scirocco! Now you’re a Breath of Fresh Air if ever I needed one… and boy do I need one! I’m sorry I just Breezed in and broke up your doom party here but I was on a roll back in Paragon!”

They began to advance on him… slowly.

“Widow! The most beautiful villainous around! I know I don’t have a Ghost of a chance with you but surely you, of all people, can understand the Spirit of my intent! You wouldn’t hurt Widow ol’ me would you? A piece of advice for you Widow… Don’t ever date Lord Recluse… I heard he has Crabs… You know, Crab Soldiers… ha… ha. Black Scorpion! How about we… how about…”

He trailed off.

“Ah hell…”

Several days later, after all the damage had been cleaned up and the worst offenders had been fitted with muzzles, a lone hero made his way to the Rikti War Zone. He leaned against a bullet pitted stone wall, idly watching a group of Rikti warriors lead a charge against heavily fortified Vanguard troops. When he heard the sound of gravel shifting loosely under a boot, he turned his half-helmeted head to gaze at his old acquaintance.

Recluse regarded Statesman for a long, silent moment. Neither spoke and though they appeared relaxed, it was the illusion of a weaving cobra ready to strike at any moment. Finally, Recluse made a curt gesture with one hand and four black-clad Arachnos soldiers carried a large packing crate, approximately four cubic feet, to just between the two Incarnates. At another gesture from their Master they dropped it… none too gently.

“I believe this belongs to you,” Recluse said in a voice better suited to emerging from a freshly opened crypt.

Statesman wedged his fingers under the lid and lifted, snapping the lock into shards. He glanced down into the container to see the bruised and battered form of Synapse. The purple, swollen expanse of his face twisted into a parody of his usual irrepressible grin.

“Hey,” Synapse whispered raggedly. “I wo… would like to issue… to issue a press Statesmen-t. And si… since Spider Boy is here I bet we could ev… even get it on the world wide Web.”

Statesman closed the lid.

“Nope, never seen it before in my life,” he said deadpan.

“Well, it’s not mine,” Lord Recluse replied. “And I don’t feel right in taking something that doesn’t belong to me. That would be stealing… and that’s bad.”

“Probably best if we just leave it here,” Statesman agreed. “Whoever lost it will come looking for it. Who knows? Maybe the Rikti could do with a laugh.”

“Buy you a beer?” Lord Recluse asked as they walked off together.

“Sure, why not?”

From inside the box came the plaintive voice of Synapse.

“Guys? Jokes over, guys, you can let me out now… States? I know you’re out there! Come on, guys, this isn’t funny! This is serious, I think I’ve ruptured my spleen in here! Guys? Oh come on, can’t you take a joke?!”

I'm glad they didn't...

... hire that assassin after some of my joke lists.

... create the Mime Defense Power Set for Tanks.

... set up that Well of the Furies Lemonade Stand for power-levelers in Atlas.

... make Banished Pantheon Shaman's anatomically correct.

... create "easy financing influence loans" to help you get that enhancement you just can't live without.

... make "horse riding" a travel power; those land-mines the horses leave are murder on super-speeders.

... finish making Sister Psyches' costume.

... take the Wii approach to the game, making you act out every punch, gun shot or super jump. As long as my character looks good in spandex, I don't feel I need to as well.

... get influenced by Final Fantasy. "In order to get your cape you need to harvest 20 kilos of cotton, get a cotton gin, collect dye of the appropriate color and get a weaving machine. Oh, and those are just the materials! You also need the History of Omega Team skill, the Cotton culling skill, the weaving skill and the dying skill. Oh, and you'd better get your Costume Choices path to the point where you uncover the Cape Icon... Good luck!"

... decide to go with an MA rating instead of Teen. Lord only knows what some of the AE missions would have looked like.

Since Issue 16 I believe...

Or... for those who simply can't accept that I might just give a serious answer once in a while...

* That's not the hostage... that's your Mini-Me.

* That's not the hostage... that's YOU... your Chronal Skip is malfunctioning again.

* Really? No, it's not the hostage... it must be that "locate the last enemy" feature they mentioned might be coming out with Issue 17... he's just trying to stay right behind you to avoid getting blasted.

* Dang it... you spotted me! Okay fine, now YOU hide and I'll seek.

Here I am again with yet another reason why the NCSoft Development team should keep ignoring all the resumes I send them…

Steelclaw’s Invention Salvage descriptions:

Alchemical Gold: You’ve figured out how to turn lead into gold! Just keep in mind that if you get caught debasing the gold standard with this stuff the Treasury Department will be on you like a Proctologist with a microscope.

Alchemical Silver: You’ve figured out how to turn tin into silver. Not as good as the ol’ lead into gold trick, of course, then there are the annoying phone calls from a certain Woodsman who now thinks of you has his own private plastic surgeon.

Alien Blood Sample: And they thought you were silly for bringing that IV kit and plate of cookies to the Rikti Invasion.

Ancient Artifact: Not as fun as it sounds. The guy following you around in the Fedora and screaming “It belongs in a museum!” gets really tiresome after a while.

Ancient Bone: (Note: this joke is NOT for the faint of heart… you have been warned.) This particular salvage always makes you cringe. At least, ever since the tent in grandpa’s pajama bottoms.

Android Armor Plate: Wait, did you say “Android Armor”? Not Cyborg? Oh for the love of…. Am I going to have to pay another $9.99 for this costume set?

Android Blaster: Cool, Metroid memorabilia!

Android Circuitry: I put these circuits into my computer to see if I could boost its processing power. Now my computer keeps refusing to do what I ask. And who the hell is Dave?!

Black Blood of the Earth: Boy, those Environmentalists are just gonna LOVE the fact that you beat on the Earth until it bled.

Bleeding Stone: I once heard a Brit say his “stones were bleeding”; I would have thought it would appear more painful than this…

Blood of the Incarnate: As often as people run through the Recluse and Statesman task forces, it’s not surprising this stuff is only listed as “uncommon.”

Boresight: It’s amazing how different this item works depending on whether its in the hands of a sniper or a proctologist.

Brain Lichen: And you thought cracking open the skulls of all your enemies with a putty knife and a glass slide handy would never pay off.

Brass: Ah yes, the cause of the Great Pun Riot of ’06. The day Synapse picked up his salvage, stuffed it into the inert form of the smallest of clockwork and quipped “Hey, Posi, looks like I finally got my Brass in Gear, huh?”

Carnival of Shadows Mask: Hey, aren’t these things the means by which all the Carnival ladies become lust-crazed villains? Say… where did you last see that heroine who laughed when you asked her out?

Ceramic Armor Plate: Oh right, because all the best SWAT teams wear their mother’s best China when going into battle.

Chaos Theorem: Hmmm… technically, wouldn’t ANYTHING written on a piece of paper be a theory about Chaos so long as it didn’t make any sense?

Chemical Formula: Wait a second… this is just the ingredient list for Pepsi!

Chronal Skip: I wonder what this does… (skip) I wonder what this does… (skip) I wonder what th… (skip) I wonder wha…(skip)

Circuit Board: Awesome! With this board I’ll be able to build a supercomputer that will help me rule the wor… wait a second… what does this say in the corner here? Commodore 64. Aw (Expletive Forcefully Detained)!!

Clockwork Gear: Wait a sec…. How come finding this didn’t count towards my Gear Smasher badge?! What a rip off!

Clockwork Winder: Oh yes, such a useful item… especially now that 99% of watches and clocks are digital.

Commercial Cybernetic: Straight to you from Lou’s Discount Limbs and Cybernetics! Come “see” us about our buy two get one free cybernetic eye special!

Complex Chemical Formula: The regular chemical formula was the ingredient list for Pepsi… Can’t wait to see what this is… Arrrgh! Run! It’s New Coke!!

Computer Virus: Now where did I put that darned salvage? And why is my computer screen all blue?

Conspiratorial Evidence: To Whom It May Concern: Thank you for your interest in becoming a Nemesis Soldier. Please fill out the following form and send it, along with your resume, to the following address…

Corrosive Gas: A coupon for free “All You Can Eat Buffet” at Sanchez’s Burrito Band Wagon.

Daemon Program: No, no… It’s not as bad as that Demon Program. This one doesn’t try to make you sell your soul. This one accesses your web cam and puts everything within sight of your computer up for sale on E-Bay.

Data Drive: Nope, sorry, it’s not filled with secret government conspiracies or villainous plans for a death ray. On the other hand, 50 gigabytes of pron is nothing to sneeze at.

Deific Weapon: Unfortunately you weren’t lucky enough to find Thor’s Hammer or the Scythe of Thanatos. But the brass knuckles of Murray, demi-god of the East Bronx, isn’t TOO bad is it?

Demonic Blood Sample: Good for magical conjurations, summoning of Pit Fiends, or, in a pinch, a killer buzz that lasts a week.

Demonic Threat Report: To Whom It May Concern: Demons are dangerous. Thank you.

Destiny: You shall rise in power through adventures untold to the lofty level of 25. At this point the Development team will introduce a new shiny and your attention-span-of-a-goldfish Player will shelve you for the remainder of your days.

Diamond: Hero work is expensive and the pay sucks. Now you need to decide, create that new Set Enhancement… or pawn this sucker and eat for another month.

Empowered Sigil: This powerful rune has many uses: paper weight, night light, door stop, ash tray, why the list goes on and on!

Enchanted Impervium: Okay, what sick sunnuva blaster enchanted this thing to vibrate at three different speeds while playing “The Sound of Music”?!

Energy Weapon: Want some real fun? Don’t sell this or make a recipe with it; instead find a sci-fi convention and announce that this will go to the person who can definitively prove which is better… Star Trek or Star Wars. Be sure to bring your camcorder.

Enriched Plutonium: How come the second you got this your cell phone rang with a text written in what looked like Arabic?

Ensorcelled Weapon: You’ve heard of the Singing Sword? Well, this is similar, except it was enchanted by an Emo-Mancer. Instead of singing, it reads bad teenage angst poetry while you’re fighting with it.

Essence of the Furies: You thought you’d get the powers of Statesman or Lord Recluse by drinking this. You obviously missed the extra “R” when reading the label. Now you’re covered with fur and wondering just exactly what the primary ingredient in “Essence of the Furries” is and why is it leaving such a nasty after-taste in your mouth.

Fortune: “There is a throne of purest porcelain in your immediate future! Thank you for eating at Wong Cho’s Chinese Eatery and Animal Euthanasia Clinic…”

Gold: Beat up gang members…. Take their bling… Melt it Down…. Profit!

Hamidon Goo: (Attention: If you do not get the following joke I am NOT going to explain to you.) Huh, looks like Hamidon’s Fluffer went into business for herself.

Heads Up Display: Hang this sign on low beams, pipes or doorways.

Heavy Water: In my day we just called it Moonshine.

Holographic Memory: Wow, a 3-dimensional data storage device! And you thought the pron in the Data Drive was awesome!

Human Blood Sample: You beat the tar and feathers out of gang members on a daily basis. You’d think this stuff would drop more often than it does.

Hydraulic Piston: Now’s your chance to make that Thousand Fingers Bed at the motel REALLY rock!

Impervium: You’re not sure this stuff is legitimate Impervium; it came with a warranty.

Improvised Cybernetic: This is what you get when MacGuyver is stuck in a broom closet and needs to make a bionic arm.

Inanimate Carbon Rod: Good thing too. You had to put a restraining order on the Animate Carbon Rod after the “hide the sausage” incident.

Inert Gas: This is when you get away with a one-cheek-sneak and no one notices.

Iron: Remember! A neatly pressed super-suit gives an aura of confidence that says “Yes, I can save the day and look good doing it!”

Kinetic Weapon: While it doesn’t do that much damage the Kinetic Weapon still out-performs the Potential Weapon which just sits there on the shelf doing nothing.

Lament Box: Otherwise known as the Emo’s Hope Chest.

Living Tattoo: Warning: The Living Tattoo is capable of moving up to twelve inches in any direction from its original “tether” point. We STRONGLY recommend careful consideration before choosing where on your body to place it. This warning is given in memory of the hero BackBlast and his untimely death following his “clogging” incident.

Luck Charm: Blue Diamonds, Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons and many more. You really hit it big when you captured that smarmy little Irish dude.

Magical Conspiracy: That whole saw-the-woman-in-half thing? Fake.

Masterwork Weapon: Made in Taiwan.

Mathematic Proof: So, after 44 pages of mathematical gibberish you’ve finally PROVEN that 1+1=2. Congratulations.

Military Cybernetic: Hmmm… Perhaps this is why Steve Austin has been walking with a limp lately?

Mu Vestment: OOooh! Bondage wear!

Mutant Blood Sample: Get Rich Quick Scheme #427-b: Roll a Mutant origin /regeneration Scrapper and make this stuff by the truckload!

Mutant DNA Strand: This was actually Get Rich Quick Scheme #427-a, but apparently what qualifies as DNA evidence in court doesn’t count as a DNA Strand on the market. I barely made my overhead costs back selling it all to the Sperm Bank.

Mutating Genome: This Genome is undergoing constant mutation. Quick! Sell it before it mutates into a virulent disease!

Nevermelting Ice: Yeah, I know this is a magical, powerful item that should be studied or sold, but, dang it, I HATE warm beer!

Page from the Malleus Mundi: It’s just another Malleus Mundi… ooh oh oh… Wish it was Sunday… ‘cause that’s my fun day… just another Malleus Mundi…

Pangeon Soil: Fertile soil from the time before time. Oh goody… not just dirt… but OLD dirt.

Photonic Weapon: Okay, now say it with me… Photonic and Photo are not the same thing. Good, now that we have that straight let’s try to put that whole “Family Reunion Photo” thing behind us.

Plague Spores: Let me guess, you picked this up with your bare hands before reading the label… Great.

Plasma Capacitor: A storage device for superheated plasma. Or, if you don’t have any plasma, a great pressure cooker for making 5-star chilly!

Platinum: Yes, it’s made out of plastic and has Visa stamped on it… but it’s platinum… trust me.

Pneumatic Piston: A gas based piston. Funny how it is shaped like that and just the right size to shove up your…. You know what? This joke is too bad for even ME to write down.

Polycarbon: The Inanimate Carbon Rod after its sex-change operation.

Positronic Matrix: A learning computer that can adapt to any given situation but STILL can’t filter the spam out of its own email with 100% effectiveness.

Primordial Moss: This spongy organic material is commonly found growing on Devouring Earth creatures who have finally reached or surpassed puberty. … … think about it.

Progenitor Lichen: The Lichen gives the impression of being far more evolved, possibly closer to the Hamidon in origin. Despite that, killing it will NOT give you special origin enhancements.

Prophecy: “You are the Chosen One, (Your Name)! You must face the (adjective) (noun) of (place) in combat! Before doing so you must (verb) the (thing) in the caves of (adjective) (noun)! This is a Prophecy of dire warning! It is NOT a Mad Lib! We swear!”

Psionic Ectoplasm: This is what happens when psychics make love on the astral plane.

Psionic Manifestation: What a MALE psychic gets while making love on the astral plane.

Psionic Threat Report: Always use protection while on the astral plane.

Psionically Charged Brass: Sometimes, responsible adult psychic couples will use objects or “toys” to add excitement to the astral plane.

Reactive Gas: If ever you’ve had gas that people talked about for months later… then YOU have had Reactive Gas.

Regenerating Flesh: This piece of flesh seems to be growing into… something. Yeah, with Miss Deans as my teacher, I had Regenerating Flesh almost every day during Freshman English in high school.

Rikti Alloy: And they laughed at you for harvesting all those fillings from Rikti teeth during the last invasion.

Ruby: Maybe when that girl told you to “Kiss her on her ruby-redness” this is what she meant?

Rune: A symbol of magical writing. See Also: Arcane Graffiti.

Runebound Armor: An armor plate empowered with runes. Or… gang color wardrobe from the Dark Ages.

Sapphire: Ignore the “cubic zirconium” written on the bottom.

Scientific Law: The Law of Gravity USED to be on this list until the first hero made 6th level and discovered Hover in the Flight power pool.

Scientific Theory: “Until one day I’ll be come a LAAAAAWWW… oh how I hope and pray til I’m dreary but today I am still just a theory!”

Scope: Because, seriously dude… your breath is kickin’.

Silver: Precious metal or a handy-dandy travel power for a guy wearing a mask?

Simple Chemical: Oh, quit your complaining. Water is a VERY simple chemical.

Soul Trapped Gem: The perfect thing on a ring to get that special lady who really does have everything.

Soulbound Armor: A piece of armor with an unwilling soul bound into it. Oh yeah, because what every warrior wants is a suit of armor that doesn’t WANT to protect them.

Source Code: I don’t care whether you have this salvage or not! Reading the PIGG files is STILL going to get you booted!

Spell Ink: Inks used in the transcribing of powerful magic spells. Please be warned: Doodling in the margins with this ink during Magic Class can lead to unforeseen problems. There is nothing worse than your teacher finding out you drew naughty pictures of her because the picture in question announced it during class.

Spell Scroll: Magic Missile? Aw man! I mean seriously, how many of these friggin’ things do you think I need?!

Spirit Thorn: Pull this from the spirit paw of the spirit lion and have a spirit friend for life!

Spiritual Essence: Remember the pottery scene from Ghost? This stuff was ALL over the floor.

Stabilized Mutant Genome: The Genome from a Mutant with a really boring and useless power set…. Like “sweats lemonade” or “mentally controls gerbils”…

Steel: Yeah, I used to know a guy made of this stuff… but he got generic’d.

Strand of Fate: One of the strands of fate that determine the destiny of everyone on the planet. So go find the person THIS strand belongs to… then it’s all like “DANCE PUPPET!! DANCE!!”

Symbiotic Armor: It’s black and has a large white spider design on the front of it. But I’m sure it’s completely safe.

Symbol: That’s right… now YOU TOO can be known as the “Hero formerly known as (insert name here)!”

Synthetic Intelligence Unit: A self-aware artificial intelligence. The real kicker is it has more friends on its Facebook page than you do.

Temporal Analyzer: It’s a watch people. It’s just a watch.

Temporal Sands: Like the sands of an hourglass… these are the days of our lives.

Temporal Tracer: Another watch, but this one has a Stop Watch feature and Indiglo!

Thorn Tree Vine: Yeah, someone sent you a rose with the actual bloom snipped off of it. You go ahead and convince yourself its valuable “salvage.”

Titanium Shard: Ever since that space shuttle crashed, this stuff seems to be a lot more common.

Undamaged Android Brain: Oh thank goodness… There’s nothing more annoying than a brain damaged android… That last one just kept coughing up milk and complaining about his ex-girlfriend “Ripley.”

Unearthed Relic: A magical self-emptying ancient chamber pot. Some things probably should have remained UN-unearthed.

Unquenchable Flame: Finally! Now you can put this in the same room with Nevermelting Ice and let ‘em duke it out!

Volume of the Obsidian Librum: Obsidian Librum… Black Book…. That’s right. Now you are the proud owner of one of the many volumes of the greek god Eros’s Little Black Book! Don’t be too shocked if your name is already in there.

tldr version:

Simple Step to save the game....

Log out...

The game will be saved automatically.

So, we'll soon be travelling to Praetoria and meeting an entire city's worth of new contacts. What fun! Here are a few predictions/suggestions for who we might meet...

* Guido Obscurati: "Yeah, so's I needs ya ta go rescue's this guy. You know 'im... the guy with the face. They nabbed him on Dakota Street... those bad guys... the ones with the suits... and the bad attitudes. I heard their holdin' 'im at the place... the one with the roof... and the walls. So, you in or what?"

* Small Blue and White Trash Receptacle: "Beep-Boop-Whirrrr" (flickering image of woman in white with danishes duct taped to her head appears) "Help me, Hero, you're my only hope. You must take the plans safely to our headquarters. Oh, and if you happen to run into my brother, don't bring him along... he's always trying to kiss me and it really creeps me out."

* Hermit in Cave at Top of REALLY High Mountain: "You no get mission from me! You cheat! In my day we no have no fancy-pants travel powers! You no get missions from me if you fly, super jump, speed or teleport! You go back to bottom and come up using the Walk Emote! Better yet no come back at all! It take me 10 days come up here first time; finally think I be alone at last! But nooooo... Now someone make me a contact and you supers up here every five minutes pestering me 'give us missions! give us missions!'... Here a mission for you! Get the hell off my mountain! How's that for a mission?!"

* Mainer from a Stephen King Novel: "Ayuh, I have a mission for ya. You need to go down that road ovah theah. Go down it 'bout seven miles as the crow flies. 'Course, that road theah was built over an old Indian burial ground. Some say it's haunted. Don't know for sure. Me, I'm not for sayin' one way or t'other. All I know is that some young college boys went down the road 'bout a month ago. When we found 'em t'weren't nothin' left of 'em but their heads, mouths open and a' screamin' like they'd seen the king of Hades 'imself. At the end o' the road you'll find an abandoned warehouse... gorry but that place is even worse than the road."

* Telegraph: Not to be outdone by Radio and Television, the old tried-and-true Telegraph is ready and able to give out missions! Hope you've all brushed up on your morse code.

* Nemesis Operative: "Oh, hi there! Yes, yes, I have missions for any hero or villain who'd like to help out. Let's see, you would be $heroname, right? Oh, well... you remember when you helped stop that bank robbery about three months ago? Well, we gave you that information. Yes, see, when you stopped the robbery it left that criminal without financing. When he couldn't get the cash to fund his plans, he was forced to go to a Loan Shark. The Loan Shark sent two goons to get the money and one of those goons was killed in the altercation. The goon in question was actually an undercover police officer. The undercover police officer's wife, who is a powerful psychic, sensed her husband's death and let loose with a psychic scream of pure anguish and misery. We were ready for it and were able to harness the incredible psychic energy in our specially prepared batteries. Said batteries will now power fully half of our armaments for the next year. Thank you very much for your efforts and here is your end-of-mission bonus."

* Doctor Tourettes: "Ah, Hero! FRAGMONKEY! I'm so glad to see you. BLEEDING BOIL BUTTOCKS! I have a mission for you that would absolutely PENGUIN PUS!! perfect for you. There is this wonderful HO-MONGER!! nun who has collected toys for some poor DONKEY DUNG SWILLING orphans. We need to get the toys to them! CROSSDRESSING GORILLAS! The only problem is the Freakshow have taken the DEEP RECTAL PROBING toys to their hideout. Please, CACTUS ENEMA!! can you help us?"

Just to mess up your predictions a bit more... be sure to throw in the Lord of Winter... especially when you consider his immunity while his Winter Lords take over at every quarter health drop rendering him immune...

Apparently this thread was an omen for me! I just got a call from the Computer Techs who have been working on my broken gaming computer the past week or so and it will be all repaired by next Tuesday!

My gaming computer is a wonder... the one I'm working on now gets lag when I'm running my Dark/Dark Stalker and try to toggle on Hide.

Now excuse me while I go jog around my house singing the Hallelugha Chorus.

(roughly to the tune of Aladdin's "A Whole New World")

My system was so slow
Barely ran 8-bit graphics
Even sprinting was tragic
A frame by frame slide show

Then I went on line
And began a search for new hardware
Upgraded my graphics card yeah
And turned it on for the first time

A whole new world!
A Paragon I never knew!
My eyes no longer bleed
At Super Speed
No more hitch in Super Jumping

A whole new world!
Through my screen the perfect view
I see it through new eyes
Hey! The Vahz have flies!
I guess that explains the buzzing…

Unbelievable sights
Oh no, here come the Rikti!
Lacking lag it’s not so tricky
To smack down and survive the fight!

A whole new world!
(All the old stuff looks new)
Each zone better than the last!
(Even Boomtown looks better!)
I must be in a dream
No lag on eight man teams!
Anywhere, I’ve got power to spare…
Let me share this whole new game with you…

A whole new world
That’s where I’ll be
Til Ultra Mode…
Makes my system old…
And ob-so-lete!

A list of activities to take place at the Boston Meet & Greet... My only complaint being that it is limited to 3 hours...

* City of Karaoke: Bring your song parodies and your best (worst) singing voice! All parodies must be City of related. For those unable to provide their own I will bring a list of my own works including "I Like Big Buffs", "Welcome to the Task Force: Positron, yeah!" and "Just Another Malleus Mundi" for starters.

* Mayor Of Paragon: Think you've got what it takes to hold the prestigious title of "Mayor of Paragon City?" Well, step right up and grab the microphone! You will have three minutes to sway the electorate (ie- the drunken bunch of gamers before you) to vote for you. Make any campaign promises you want... then feel absolutely no obligation to live up to them! It's just like being a REAL politician!

* Player PvP: It may look like a bar brawl, but that's because you're not paying close enough attention. The first thing that should have clued you in was most of the participants are wearing spandex... Okay, so maybe it looks more like a Professional Wrestling Event... But the WWE doesn't have it's participants pointing their fists at someone and yelling "I'm a Blaster! Pew! Pew! Pew!" or someone staring at their watch and screaming "I can't Rezz you... I'm still freakin' recharging!" Finally, nowhere else will you see a guy dressed all in paper-mache "rocks" screaming "Speed Boost me! For the love of gawd will someone please speed boost me!"

* Actors Cut Scene Theater: The crowd is split several smaller groups of three or four members. Each team has 20 minutes to either imitate an existing game cut scene or come up with their own. If a newly created one the cut scene must involve a canon mission with which most people will be familiar. Want to make a scene for your first (or second) rescue of Fusionette? How about facing down Professor Echo for the final time? Once you have your scene ready, go up on stage and act it out. Who knows? Maybe the Devs will be so impressed they'll make it part of the game! Or, maybe it will be so embarassing you'll be seeing your live performance on YouTube next week.

* P.U.D.: You've tried Pick Up Groups? Well, you haven't tried P.U.D. yet! Pick Up Dating! Sit in the middle of a crowded bar and keep spamming "Single Low Level Tank seeks Defender for light buffing, heals and long walks on the beach" over and over again until someone responds. Actually, this isn't really a group activity like my other suggestions.... Actually, if you try this one I can pretty much guarantee you'll be on your own.

* City of Heroes Drinking Game: One by one, you each ask a developer a question. Every time they answer with a variation of "We can't tell you until Marketing allows us to release that information" take a shot. The last one able to ask a question with any sort of coherence what-so-ever wins.

* Emote Dance Party: Get the sound system cranked and begin dancing. The only catch is you HAVE to dance in one of the existing dance emotes available in-game. You would be amazed how quickly a group of adults can look exactly like Charlie Brown's Peanuts gang from the old cartoons. Don't like dancing? That's fine. Just do the teabag or judge(1-10) emotes from the sidelines. We have been asked you do not do the vomit/hurl emote however, as it hurts some of the dancers' feelings.

* Pocket D Source Material: This is your chance to have some input into the game. A lovely lady and a roguish gentleman will stand up on the stage. They will wear signs reading "Turn Down Girl" and "Turn Down Guy". You, you lucky person you, get to play "Desperate Girl/Guy." Take the microphone, approach the gender of your choice and deliver the cheesiest, most absolutely horrible, pick-up line in your arsenal. Points are rewarded for originality, delivery and overall ridiculousness. Bonus points if you can get the "Turn Down" player to slap you.

* Forum Tag: Okay, this one is definitely not a group-game. Actually, it's more like a dare. I dare you all... myself included since I'll be there... to wait until you see a developer go to the bathroom. You follow and... once they have vacated the stall/urinal/etc... jump in immediately after them and yell "First in after a Red-Name!" at the top of your lungs.

Yeah... umm... on that note I think I should quit while I'm still ahead... er.. well.. at least while I'm still un-lynched.

Excellent!

I live up in Maine which is only two or so hours away from Boston! Finally I'll be able to attend one of these things!

Does anyone know where you can rent your own Paparazzi? I want to go big!

Boston? BOSTON?!

::grabs globe of earth... scowls and throws it aside... grabs map of East Coast USA::

Hey... Maine isn't that far from Boston... two hour drive... hmmm... the way I drive figure an hour and a half... nah... two... gotta stop for Starbucks...

Wow... I think I'll actually be able to attend this one!

Hmmm... that means I'd better get a disguise... Lord knows they'll set up security to keep me out once they know Steelclaw is attending...

Back Alley Brawler: Should lose the power gloves and be given the Boxing Set Veteran Reward look.... why not? After the effort the design team put into it at least SOMEONE should wear it.

Captain Mako: Large fish-bowl helmet with bubbles floating in it that covers his entire head and neck down to the gills. Also floating fish flakes for when he feels like having a snack.

Synapse: Not so much a costume change as an effects change. Every few minutes he should blur and a streak of color move from his standing point then back again. When the blurring stops he should be holding things he just fetched... girly magazine, six pack, bag of pork rinds, etc.

Scirocco: Heavy black eye make up, much paler skin, IPod with the entire Linkin Park collection on it.

Sister Psyche: Same general costume but the lines that radiate out from ... er.... "central points" should now rotate slowly around their foci with bands of colors sweeping out along them... making you wonder if it is just a hallucination instead of actual clothing.

Willie Wheeler: Same as it is now, but with beads of sweat constantly forming and trickling down his forehead... oh... and pit stains... definitely pit stains.

Manticore: If anyone ever needed flowing hair it was this guy.

Television: Actual broadcasts on the screen... no... no wait! Even better! I want live streaming video from a web cam set up in the NorCal break room! Now we can spend all day hanging out in Grandville screaming "Get back to work you bum!" in Broadcast.

Fusionette: Same general costume except she has a GPS device attached to her belt with the "Batteries Low" light flashing off and on.

Ms Liberty: Considering that most of Ultra Mode graphics is about reflective surfaces Liberty should now wear pants.... definitely pants.

Azuria: Should wear an Alfred E. Neuman shirt captioned "What? Me Worry?"

Black Scorpion: His battle suit, following modern trends in pop culture and robotics, should now transform into an Arachnos Flyer upon command. It should, obviously, also have the Decepticon logo on it rather than the Arachnos one.

Nemesis: Should be a pimply, slightly overweight and horribly near-sighted teen age/early twenties guy who loves wearing plaid long sleeve flannels over a stained Pink Floyd prism t-shirt... He controls all his troops and automatons from his mother's basement. I say this because I'm pretty sure I used to play Dungeons and Dragons with him... if ANYONE was a "killer dungeon/players never win" Dungeon Master it's Nemesis...

Currently AI is only really given to NPCs who engage in combat in the CoH universe. I think this is a wasted opportunity. AI could be equally valuable in the hands of NPCs who currently only read from predetermined scripts...

For example...

• Trainer(any): "I see you're a Tank who just advanced to 16th level. Congratulations... but... well... I notice you have 4 toggle powers and haven't yet invested in the Fitness Power Pool... You DO realize that Toggle-Man was a forum joke, right? Okay, you don't get the power choice screen... I'm giving you Swift... that'll set up Health for 18th and Stamina for 20th... and don't bother trying to sneak off to some other trainer for those levels... I'm sending out an email as we speak."

• Azuria: "Yeah, that's very funny... But let me ask you a question... How exactly do you expect me to guard the MAGI vault when I'm stuck here telling clueless newbs like you what to do 24/7? Why can't I delegate this responsibility out to a peon? This is like asking Sherlock Holmes to man the Lost and Found counter at a kids' summer camp!"

• Ms Liberty: "Okay, so you made 50th level... very impressive... I notice you came from the AE building over there.. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, you've come from that building every time you've needed training... Hmmm... Okay, new rule... You have to answer a little trivia question before I'll train you up... How do you get to Striga Isle from here? Don't know? How about Boomtown, how do you get there? Uh-huh... Do you know where Kings Row is? OOooookay. That's it... you're respeccing to first level... No, I don't care if you did the tutorial or not... FIRST LEVEL!!"

• Day Job Trainer: "Please... someone... anyone... talk to me... we don't have to talk about Day Jobs... really... I... I like movies... books? Plays? Oh for the love of God will someone please acknowledge my existence?!"

• Merit Vendor: "Psst... Mac... Hey, I got some great recipes for ya if yer interested... C'mon... I'm talkin' fresh off the truck recipes at rock bottom prices... Yeah, a few of 'em may have had their serial numbers umm... accidently scraped off... but they work just fine... I swear..."

• Super Group Registrar: "Yes, your monthly rental fee for your base will be 900 in prestige. Yes, I said monthly fee... You say you pay more than once a month? Oh... well I must apologize... the fee is only supposed to be once a month there must have been a clerical error... You say this has happened to you every month since you created the base? I hate you one-player-super-groups... the multi-player SGs never notice... fine... here's a freaking refund you anti-social piece of...."

• Detective Freitag: "Yeah, we just got a tip on the bank being robbed over in Atlas Park. No, no... don't run off quite yet there 'hero'... I've noticed something... You respond to three of our Police Band broadcasts and then 'coincidently' the bank gets robbed... Seems to happen every single time you complete three of our radio missions... We have a few questions that need answering... You have the right to remain silent..."

• Doc Delilah: "Now I believe the story we all know about the Faultline Incident has some holes in it... Eyes up here... but I need some evidence to prove it... Eyes up here... The evidence has been scattered in caves and ruins... Eyes up here g****mnit!"

• Admissions Officer Lenk: “Here’s your badge and your free enhancement… Oh, come on… we all know that’s the only reason you talk to me in the first place.”

• Coyote: “Thank you for saving Flower Knight! Now I have another mission for you… No really… Oh, what, you thought I was only a one-mission Contact? No… Ha ha… That would make me a pretty pitiful Contact, now wouldn’t it? Nope, I have a great 2nd mission lined up for you! Umm… I need you to… er… go… and defeat… umm… 100 Infected! Yeah… and this mission is so awesome you’ll get a BADGE for it… Yeah, I bet ol’ Jonathan St John Smythe can’t say THAT!”

• Detective Martins: “Yes, I think my new movie will do very well at the box office… Do I think my past actions will hamper tickets sales? What actions are those? Listen, I said all those things years ago… when will you <expletive> <racial slur> let this go?!”

• Imperious: “Now that I am no longer reading from a script I have come to realize that most of the people I am sending on this Task Force are of a bizarre and, dare I say, almost other-worldly appearance decidedly not in keeping with my people and our surroundings. This is discomfiting enough; however I also seem to be sending people on the same missions over and over again despite the fact that the ones I sent before have been successful. As my AI protocols work on a logical system where everything must make sense I can come to only one conclusion… I have gone stark, raving bonkers.”

• Jim Temblor: “Who are you supposed to be? Some kind of hero? Did one of those do-gooders send you? Well, you’d just better turn around and leave. No, I’m serious. This is no joke! Listen, I’m emotionally scarred, my girlfriend has the worst case of Attention Deficit Disorder you’ve ever seen, then there’s the girl who has a brain-in-a-bucket as a not-so-secret admirer. The only normal one is Doc Delilah but with her new AI she’s more likely to attack than befriend anyone whose eyes seek the valley, if you know what I mean. You’re better off just turning around and going BACK up the rabbit hole there Alice.”

• Julius the Troll: “Me think me got too much Artificial and not enough Intelligence.”

• Katie Hannon: “If one more… just ONE MORE… hero comes up to me and says they wanna do a ‘quick Katie’ I’m suing for sexual harassment!!”

• Mender Lazarus: “Okay, that’s it! Who keeps turning back the clock five minutes before my break is supposed to start?! Is it you, Silos? This isn’t freaking funny!”

• Midnighter Store: “ZZZZZZzzzzzz… ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz….”

• Positron: “No, I’m not giving out this Task Force to your team until I’m sure you have enough time to complete it. Don’t you people realize I only get paid for a completed job? You people are putting me in the poor house!”

• Serpent Drummer: “Come they told me… a hiss-ah hiss hisssss…. In zone to fight Rikti… a hiss-ah hiss hissssss…. Go on a killing spree… a hiss-ah hiss hisssss… then get drunk in Pocket D… a hiss-ah hiss hiss, hiss-ah hiss hiss, hiss-ah hiss hissssss…”

• The Dark Watcher: “I’m the Watcher. You’re $name. I know what you can do. I know where you live. I know what you wear under your super-suit. Or don’t wear as the case may be. I’m the Watcher.”

• Boris the Russian: “To hell vith robbing the bank! You must help me defeat moose and squirrel!”

• Captain Petrovich: “Arr, Matey… Tis good te see a strong Villain here te help with the spread o’ evil here in the Rogue Isles. Would ye happen te be a Ninja, by chance? Why do I ask? Well, Matey, this here be the internet an’ I be a Pirate. Let’s just be sayin’ I got a whole load of … heh… ‘special’ missions fer me Ninja friends.”

Ah, that’s enough for now… add your own if you’re of a mind to…

Since you animals can't just let a wounded thread die... I guess I'll add one more...

* "So, you've only been playing for 2 weeks and already have a 50th level character, huh? Mission Architect? Yeah, right, lucky guess... Oh sure, I'm positive that all the other players in the game would be COMPLETELY impressed with your 50... In fact, I bet if you go into Recluse's Victory and announced it in broadcast there'd be loads of people who'd love to show you their appreciation... Recluse's Victory? It's a PVP zone... er... that stands for People of Valor & Prestige... The door to get there is in City Hall right here in Atlas Park... Oh for the love of... it's that big white building behind the guy holding the big ball... <Sighs> Yes... as a matter of fact you CAN go inside that building."

Actually it goes like this...

Villains are Red...
Heroes are Blue...
Once GR goes live...
You can choose Purple too!

We here in the community are very good about helping new players learn the ins and outs of the game we all love so much... Here are a few things you may want to avoid giving out as advice...

* "When you reach your mission door keep a close eye on the yellow triangle and distance numbers... when you open the door if they turn green you will have a very easy mission with lots of great rewards... if it turns red you have what we like to call the 'Doom' mission..."

* "So, you're running a Fire Armor (Tank, Brute, Scrapper), huh? One thing you need to remember... turn off your Fire Aura before entering any elevators... it melts the floor buttons and you'll have to wait for the Paragon City Works to come and get you out... which can take hours."

* "If you find yourself in a costume contest just remember you'll increase your chances of winning if, when the contest coordinator step in front of you, you send him a trade invite and a tell saying 'do you accept bribes?'..."

* "Atlas Park is for wimps; Galaxy City is where the REAL action is!"

* "Honestly, Mercy Island is completely skippable... in fact you could probably head straight to Cap Au Diable right out of the Tutorial."

* "The thing to remember about color coding the Cons is that purple is made up of red (+3) and blue (-1)... which you add together to get +2 then divide by the total number of colors (2) to get +1 as the average... so purples are only +1 your current level."

* "You RP? Really? Hey cool! You should go to Virtue to play. Oh, and here's a secret just between you and I... there's a special 'cyber-kink' chat channel if you're into that sort of thing... it's called Broadcast...."

* "So you made your first character a Blaster, huh? Well, let me give you one piece of advice... your team mates will yawn in your face if all you do is the old 'pull-pull-pull' thing... but they'll be very impressed if you smack down with some l337 tanking skillz..."

* "A Defender, huh? Well, here's a bit of advice... remember to buff and heal the heck out of the team Controller... ignore the Tank since they have more than enough self-buffs not to need your help."

* "Kinetics? Skip taking Speed Boost... it's a major throw-away power."

* "Radiation Emission? Always use the toughest enemy as your debuff anchor.. no one EVER attacks them first."

* "Why does everyone hang around beneath the Atlas Statue? Because every so often they sky randomly goes pitch black and the globe on his shoulders shines like a disco ball... everytime you get hit by one of the light spots flying everywhere you get 100 influence multiplied by your experience level... all while a random BeeGees song plays in the background."

* "Female character? Niiiiice... Did you know that if you can manage to get from 1st to 10th level without killing a single Hellion you will unlock the special Hellion's Girlfriend costume pack?"

* "If you see a zombie-like creature wearing a back pack go into a crouch just get close and watch it carefully... it will transform into something you're sure to get a blast out of!"

* "If you fight a lot of Vahzilok you'll probably want to visit the tailors fairly frequently to get your uniform cleaned... otherwise after a certain number of times getting spewed on you'll get the flies aura whether you want it or not..."

* "When you get to Kings Row and train there for the first time be sure to type 'You're a pansy!' in local to the trainer Blue Steel... he loves that."

* "No... there is no trainer in Galaxy City... at least not that I know of..."

* "If, by any chance, you should ever get a recipe with purple lettering for its title... come see me immediately... it's the only cursed item in the game and will debuff your character as long as you carry it... I know the proper way to dispose of it however... for a small fee, of course..."

* "Don't. Kill. Skuls."

* "The trains are the slow way to get to missions in other zones... if you REALLY want speed take the bus... there are stops all over the place."

* "When you get teleported to the hospital after dying.. don't leave immediately! A doctor has to examine you and give you the all clear before leaving otherwise you risk a health debuff."

* "Wow, you really shouldn't have chosen THAT costume... it violates terms of service... you look EXACTLY like a patented character from a 1920s comic book named the Captain Snipe Hunter... you'd better change it now before you get generic'd..."

Let's face it... if anything of mine were made canon the entire development team would likely be in need of psychological counselling.

As of December my Gamer Computer has been sitting in an unused corner of my office waiting for me to scrape together the money to get it fixed.... my beautiful... lovely... dual processor... dual graphics card computer... the one I can... <wince>... I mean COULD dual box two characters at the highest level graphics with no slow-down whatsoever...

Not like this one...

This one is so bad that I get lag when my Dark Armor Stalker switches on hide and makes the mistake of trying to move... even without sprint... just walking makes it look like a series of still-photos...

::sighs::

Ultra Mode, huh? Crap... where'd I put my wallet?

The general mood here in the forums has inspired me artistically.... And so I present to you...

An Ode to Impatience...

In the Forums now it is quite vogue
To scream and rant for Going Rogue
The info which from Dev's denial
Has rendered us quite infantile

We plead and beg for data new
And hold our breath 'til we turn blue
Yet our words they fall on deafened ears
So we shriek them at our forum peers

We grumble them here on the board
And in our hearts bad feelings horde
In our souls impatience jells
Til we spew it out in broadcast tells

Some preach peace like a lark let sing
And blame it all on marketing
But that approach is one hard sell
The Devs should tell 'em "Go to hell!"

The Devs should grab those market fools
And shove 'em where the fire ne'er cools
Then in this forum we would read
All the news we'd ever need

Until that time I guess that means
We'll just hang here and vent our spleens
We're like dying men climbing one last dune
But instead of water, we all crave Soon(tm)

~Steelclaw

Dear Mr. Steelclaw,

Upon reviewing our records it has come to our attention that you have purchased every Costume Set and Booster Pack within days of becoming available. You even bought the Wedding Pack and that indicated dedication and, if I may be so bold, brand loyalty.

Due to your obvious love of our fine game, we here in the Marketing Department would like to make you aware of an opportunity.

As you most likely are aware, City of Heroes will soon have a new expansion, Going Rogue, out on the market. Although we are currently unable to allow pre-orders, the Marketing Department would still like to make an offer to our more... enthusiastic... players. We can't sell you a pre-order or a playable demo or the like; what we are offering instead is.... information.

We have a variety of packages available:

$1.99 Deal: We will send you the future patch notes for Issue 17. You will know ahead of time what new changes will occur to the regular City of Heroes and Villains games.

$3.99 Bargain: All the information in our $1.99 Deal plus general information about Going Rogue; including Super/Villain Group changes, Powers in the two new power sets, the new enemy groups in Praetoria and a Jpeg Map of the new zone!

$5.99 Steal: Everything above plus the Going Rogue Patch Notes, the complete breakdown of Power Set scaling attributes, the details on enemy group abilities and AI and much, much more!

$7.99 Bonanza!: All mentioned before plus Screenshots! Screenshots! Screenshots! That's right! You'll get to see what you've been waiting for all this time. And we're not talking no-information, what-the-heck-is-that, teaser shots either! Each image will come with a short paragraph explaining exactly what you're looking at!

$9.99 Lottery Deluxe Package: You get the Bonanza collection plus movie files of the action you'll be looking forward to! And if that wasn't enough we will take pity on you for making the wait that much worse! That's right; you won't have to wait much longer because the Lottery Deluxe Package grants you guaranteed Closed Beta Testing access!

Just think of the possibilities, Steelclaw! You could be the first kid on your block to have ALL the information about Going Rogue! Please Note: Accepting ANY of the above packages requires you to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

You've bought every other package we've offered you! What are you waiting for?! See the banana? Dance, Monkey, DANCE!!

MWA HA HA HAAAAA!!!

Sincerely,
NCSoft Marketing Department