Steelclaw

So I had been considering the whole concept of Praetoria, Portal Corps and all the myriad variations of Earth out there in the multi-verse when it hit me...

If there are an infinity of variations of Earth Prime, then there are an infinity of Steelclaws. Now, while there are bound to be certain minor changes of personality in my alternates (megalomania, robotic body, political leanings, etc) their core personality should remain more or less constant... that is they should all be wise-a**es with a faulty brain-to-mouth filter.

So I fired up my handy-dandy Clairvoyeur Machine... which I use mostly to monitor the hygene habits ... errr... "well-being" of certain super models, and checked in on some of my other versions.

You can imagine my surprise to find myself catching the last few minutes of their lives. More specifically I caught several Steelclaw alternate's famous "last words"... Here are a few:

* "Hey, Thor! Long time no see. How dost thine hammer hang?"

* "Whoa Hulk! I see you finally burst ALL the way out of those pants. Hmmm. So the whole body expansion thing isn't proportional ALL over, huh?"

* "Yeah, I guess I should be proud to be a member of the whole 'Glorious Empire' and such, but I find it hard to get excited about following a Sith Lord who looks like a Goth wanna-be and sounds like an asthmatic on his last legs... erk... gack!"

* "Yes Sir! Captain Kirk, sir! I would love to go planet-side with you. And let me just say how much of an honor it is that you chose a lowly red-shirt like me to accompany you on this dangerous mission. Er, why are you smirking like that?"

* "I have something to confess, Ghost Widow.... I love you! My heart burns for you and you alone! If only there were a way we could truly be together! What do you mean there is one way? Ummm... why is Wretch cracking his knuckles like that?"

* "Ack! Two words, Mako... just two words: Breath Mints."

* "Galactacus... Jillian Michaels. Jillian Michaels... Galactacus."

* "Okay Joker... I have to admit defeat... you won our practical joke war... now could you please hand me my spleen?"

* "So over Batman's shoulder I saw Green Arrow and Plastic Man walking up to us. I get an idea and start talking in an overly loud voice: 'For the last time NO Batman... I don't want to be your boy wonder, I'm not at all interested in having your bat pole anywhere NEAR me nor do I want to explore your bat cave. Now if you don't stop asking me I'm going to have to talk to the JLA council about a harrassment suit!' Plas and Arrow were rolling with laughter by the time I was done. Bats just walked off. Umm... why aren't you laughing? And why are you staring past my left shoulder like that?"

* "The itsy-bitsy spider on a mission was sent out... Ran into a hero and it became a rout... Down went Arachnos writhing all in pain... Then the itsy-bitsy spider went to the Zig again..." (sung while walking the streets of Grandville)

* "Captain Jack Harkness? My name's Steelclaw. So, I hear they say you can't die. Yeah, right. Tell you what, I challenge you to a dying contest. We'll take turns... you first."

* "Elm Street? Nice neighborhood. But I'm tired from moving in.... think I'll take a nap."

* "Hey, name's Steelclaw... Silver Mantis? Pleased to meet you. Yeah, I guess I am looking for a good time. What? Well, I've never really thought of it before... but I guess I DO look pretty sturdy."

* "Lord Nemesis, over the past several days you have put Mirrors on the dias beneath Miss Liberty's feet... replaced all of Synapse's espresso supply with decaf... forced Sister Psyche's powers to 'broadcast' mode and then got the Hamster Dance song stuck in her head... installed a device in Positron's armor that makes any radiation emission be accompanied by a 'fart' sound effect and plant the back of Statesman's head not covered by his half-mask with Ch-ch-ch-chia grass... I see by the look of dawning horror on your face that you at last realize the truth... yes, Lord Nemesis, you have been the victim of a Steelclaw Plot."

I don't really do the Tell Beep thing (mostly because I am an anti-social hermit) but I DO frequently try to adjust the camera angle when I am not playing CoH at all.

* You hear someone use the abbreviation "B.S." and immediately think Boresight.

* Everytime you get into an argument with your significant other you hear the PvP zone countdown timer.

* When a good samaritan hands you the money you just accidentally dropped on the ground you tell them "You've changed my opinion about capes."

* After being kicked out of the movie theater you scream at the manager "You call this interactive?! Your boss Doctor Aeon shall hear of this!"

* When Fed Ex loses track of the package you sent to your mother your first reaction is "Your manager wouldn't be named Azuria by any chance, would she?"

* You walk the six miles to the mall because you can't quite remember that bus stops serve a purpose in the real world.

* You bang on the door of a darkened store for ten minutes before realizing the sign on it reads "Closed for Business" not "Closed for Beta."

* You got really excited when your doctor scheduled you for an appointment to get the latest Booster.

* When your son complains about the bullies at school beating him up, your solution is to give him a package of Skittles with instructions to eat them all just prior to the fight.

* The store employees always give you funny looks when you walk up to them with an armful of towels asking where the changing rooms are.

* Your alt-itis is getting so bad you can't watch a commercial for feminine hygene products without getting an idea for a new character.

* You are overheard yelling at your boss "I don't give a crap about a raise! I've been here 3 years... where's my Day Job badge go**ammit!?!"

* Seeing a row of 2 or more payphones makes your fingers itch.

* You got the above joke without even having to think about it.

* Your personal ad: "Single hero seeks valiant sidekick for missions, task forces and long, romantic evenings in our SG base. Please be of Natural Origin and just say no to Superadine."

* You've been kicked out of every Sushi restaurant you've ever been in when you saw Squid on the menu.

* For Mother's Day you pre-ordered her Going Rogue... and she doesn't play the game... and she doesn't own a computer.

* Every time you have to take a flight somewhere you demand a window seat and bring a portable fan to blow wind in your face while you stare out it.

* Your insurance broker doesn't know what "Super Jump" is but he does know he's going to cancel your home owner's policy if you don't get rid of that trampoline.

* You've read yet another Steelclaw List... oops... sorry... that was intended for the "Signs You've Been Reading the CoH/V Forums For Too Long..."

How many forumites does it take to keep resurrecting this public embarassment of a thread?

One...

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Aw, crud.

Congratulations! You have been loyal to the game for XX months and as such have earned the Undirected Badge!

We figure that, by now, you know your way around Paragon City pretty well, therefor no contact shall ever direct you to talk to Stephanie Peebles, any war zone contact or any other person you've likely talked to multi-thousands of times anyway.

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...... if only.

Yes, I know... you may think me mad for suggesting that Paragon City civillians are evil... actually, there are probably several reasons you may think me mad... but stick with the current topic here... no wandering!

Here are some of the ways you can determine if the civillian you're dealing with is evil:

* They are being harrassed/robbed/boiled in green mist atop a building and promptly run off the edge before you can defeat all their oppressors rather than risk giving you an inf reward.

* You rescue them during a mission and they refuse to follow you unless you drop your nice, safe stealth toggle.

* They say "I hope my children grow up to be just like you" when they don't have children... and then run right out to get that vasectomy/tube tying.

* They walk by on the street and just happen to loudly announce "Boy, it's too bad HeroName failed that mission against the Council"... which happened when you were level 4... and you're now a 50.

* They super jump to the top of a building to thank you for the rescue... and you have to take the fire escape or lose half your health to falling damage to get back to the street.

* You're in an office building mission and are in the perfect position to line up a 4 enemy Sands of Mu attack... when they "panic" run by you... bumping you to hit only one.

* They can be named Lois Watson but you get Generic'd if you even THINK of naming your character after a Marvel or DC character who appeared in one comic book back in the 30's.

* They're not even bothering to fake purse-pulling anymore; just standing around talking with the bad guys waiting for you to arrive.

* They're driving the car that just purposefully swerved into your lane of traffic to hit you.

* They bake cookies for their muggers.

* They are filling out the Malta Application Form when you approach to "rescue" them.

* When you get there... the mugger is the one who starts begging for assistance.

I have a system by which I dictate whose turn it is and when I am allowed to create new characters...

* Each Server is allowed one character to start.

* I start out by playing them in alphabetical order by server name; after the first run-through I run them in the order they were introduced into the rotation.

* Each character is allowed one day of play; I don't worry about 8 hour play days vs 20 minute play days... it all evens out eventually.

* At the end of the turn (ie-when I reach the bottom of my list) each server gets a 2%/round since their last added character cumulative chance of getting a new player created on it. So, if Champion server last created a player in round 4 and Freedom in round 7 and it is currently the end of round 10, Champion has a 12% chance of getting a new player and Freedom a 6% chance.

* If any player on any server finally reached 50th level during the current round that server automatically gets a new player.

This way everybody gets a turn; I don't have any characters who aren't being played. Also I don't find myself immediately with more characters than I can handle since chances are relatively low of a new player being introduced all the time.

This is yet another aspect of my OCD... er... my Tournament and Spreadsheet method of playing CoH.

I am not sure why... but this thread gave me a different idea for a MasterMind..

I think when GR allows me to bring a MasterMind hero-side I'm going to make a Thugs MM...

The back-story is that he is a hero looking for an "Able Sidekick" to join him in fighting crime...

However... accidents happen (as they often do to sidekicks) and every time such an incident occurs I'm going to use the Rename function to change the pet's name...

So (eventually) my minion list might look like this:

Riot Roy # 71
Thugz Life # 63
Pyro Pal #496

Ben Forcer #31
Ken Forcer #35

Harley D #11

We've discussed on the forums before how we all would love to see more City of Heroes items for us to purchase in real life. Tee-Shirts, buttons, posters and a great number of other things have been suggested.

I think, however, I have come up with the ultimate CoH swag... Not just something that has the logo on it... but something that SCREAMS CoH.

The City of Heroes Locator.

You attach this device via an adhesive pad or clip to your TV remote, car keys, or any other item you frequently lose. The other part of the device is mounted to the wall in a centralized location in the house. When you can't find the object in question you simply press the button on the wall mounted unit and...

... the speaker in the other part of the device begins to emit the glowie sound effect at high volume.

MasterMind Clown Summoning Set:

1 - Acid Squirting Lapel Flower: Single target ranged; moderate toxic damage; moderate recharge; causes minor defense debuff.

1 - Send In The Clowns: Summons 1-3 1st tier clown minions; two smiling clowns and a sad clown. Happy clowns attack with oversized rubber hammers for melee and pies for ranged. 1st Upgrade grants slow effect to custard pie attacks and possible stun while clearing eyes. 2nd upgrade makes the pie attacks targeted AoE. Sad Clowns attack with "looking-away-while-flailing-blindly" slap attacks for melee and a Crying Fit ranged attack which does no damage but does debuff enemy damage for a short time. 1st upgrade adds a "nobody loves me" self-pity PBAoE debuff of enemy to hit. 2nd upgrade will change the debuff from an attack to a constant aura.

2 - Banana Peel Toss: Single Target ranged; moderate smashing damage plus knockdown; fast recharge.

6- MAKE UP!: Grants all Clown Minions with their first upgrade.

8 - Oops... Wrong Hat: Takes out hat and attempts to pull out rabbit.. instead gets random effect. Large Shark Head - high lethal damage; melee range, chance of fear effect. Large Dragon Head - moderate damage cone fire attack. Rabbit - no damage but good luck buff (as inspiration of same name) to all allies within range. Another Hat - stuffs it down on single opponent's head rendering them confused and flailing for a time. Dynamite - (So THAT'S where I left it!) PBAoE high smashing/fire dmg to all within range including allies. Rularuu... yeah... just run.... quickly.

12 - Artsy-Fartsy: Summons 1-2 fancy Cirque Du Soleil style clowns. Clowns are acrobats and have an inherent defense buff against melee and ranged attacks. Melee attack of "surprised girly slap" and a ranged attack "cone of glitter dust breath" which has a small chance of stunning opponents. 1st upgrade grants "Vocal Accompaniment" where a background singer (always soprano) sings in a haunting and strangely hypnotic voice during combat; grants every ally within range of Clown with a small to hit buff. Note: May cause player to turn off speakers. 2nd upgrade: "You're not cultured enough... You'll never understand..." plot aura... enemies can't figure out what the **** the clown is trying to act out... PBAoE confuse on enemies.

18 - Clown Car: Small car pulls up and a dozen or so small clowns get out with various over-sized or ineffectual-looking weapons. Hammers, Peacock Feathers, Seltzer Bottles, etc. Works approximate like gang-war only much less serious.

26 - Call King Clown: A rather familiar burger spokesperson shows up. Melee Attack: Big Mac Smack. Ranged Attack: You Want Fries With That? 1st Upgrade gives a Frosty Shake PBAoE attack which slows everyone within range and will encase in Ice and Hold minions and some Lts. 2nd Upgrade gives "Help From the Hamburglar" attack where the little bugger rushes in to attack one enemy muttering "rahbble rahbble rahbble" as he does so. Those hit will suffer no damage but be severely debuffed for damage, defense and to hit. They will also instantly roll all normal drop checks as though they had been defeated (except xp).

32 - Make Em' Laugh: Grants all minions their 2nd upgrade power.

I'm Steelclaw... and I approve of this thread.

While I would prefer to keep Steelclaw (or Gold Plated Steelclaw)... If I had to go Canon I think I'd have to go with Malaise...

... broken minded... ego maniac... living in a world of illusion and delusion...

Yeah, that'll work.

Pretty much every song I hear makes me think of CoH/V because I automatically try to make parody lyrics of them in my head.

Of course, that might be due to my upcoming and totally top-secret album.

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oops.... forget I said anything.

Oh what the heck... I haven't done a list in a while...

Reasons the Virtue Server needed to be shut down for a while...

* The floors of Pocket D needed to be mopped from all the Private Tell Roleplaying.

* After witnessing all the RP things that go on the Spirit of Virtue had to be coached again as to just what it was SUPPOSED to stand for.

* Freedom was sulking at how frequently Virtue was at the top of the "most populated" list.

* Virtue needed its bi-weekly pennicilin shot.

* A glitch caused two simultaneous zone events resulting in Rikti Zombie Invasion Apocalypse... Which sounds good until you realise that zombie-fied Rikti don't crave brains... they crave burritos... Virtue Server reopens in an hour... El Super Mexicano won't reopen for another month.

* Atlas had an appointment with his Chiropractor.

Wow... amazing...

I literally had tears of nostalgia in my eyes... even tho' I've only been around since Issue 10.

Another exemplary job, milady!

I send you all my well-wishes that your real life situation improves. Just keep in mind that art is the life-support system for the soul... and what you do is most DEFINITELY art.

La Bella Mafia - Thugs/Pain MM: Maria Donaluchi was wife to the Don of a powerful mafia family and very proud of her position and her husband. In public Maria was arm candy; the docile little wife to the powerful crime lord. In private she was his top advisor and confidant. She was well satisfied with her life until the fateful evening when, while in a posh restaurant with her husband, he was gunned down by the Marcone family. Maria had been born a mutant, with strong powers to heal nearly any injury, but the damage was too sudden, too catastrophic to save him. Consumed with a cold need for vengeance, Maria made it crystal clear to all her husband's Leiutenants that SHE was in charge now. Once she had consolidated her authority, she began making the moves that would not only avenge her dead husband, but ensure her family's place as most powerful of the mafia clans.

Shadow's Secret - Ninja/Storm MM: Hakami Nakatori was the eldest daughter of the notorious leader of the Nakatori Yakuza family. To the world her father was known only as the Shadow and he raised his two daughters to take over his empire one day. While her younger sister explored new directions for the family to go in the world of science, Hakami studied the ancient magics and martial arts of their heritage. Soon she was training her own enforcers and harnessing the family storm magic much as had her father before her. When her younger sister ran away from home following a heated argument with their father, Hakami stayed behind to continue her training. After several years she turned up in America, seeking her sister's location. Their father had died and now it was time to decide which way the crime family would direct their future.

Poisoned Lotus - Ninja Blade/Ninjutsu Stalker: Hidori Suda was only four years old when her family was killed in grisly, public fashion by the Nakatori Yakuza family. Her father had opposed the family in their extortion schemes and been made an example of in the public square along with Hidori's mother and older brother. Hidori was taken by the Nakatori leader, an enigmatic figure known only as the Shadow. She became a gift to Hakami; the daughter of Shadow. Hakami had been trained in the arts of ninjutsu and the family storm magic and trained Hidori in the martial arts as well. Despite the reasons for her servitude, despite being little more than a slave, Hidori developed incredible bonds of loyalty for her teacher and companion, becoming her personal assassin and most trusted companion. When Hakami travelled to the Rogue Isles to increase her family's influence there; Hidori was quick to follow. The Lotus blossom had always been a symbol of rebirth, but Hidori's resurrection had been into darkness.

Superior Symbiosis - Earth/Electric Dominator: When Hatami Hitachi had agreed to accepting a higher position within his Yakuza family, he had not realized what he was getting into. It had seemed easy and painless enough at first, they merely made a minor incision in the skin covering his forehead, placed a small sliver of crystal there, then sewed him back up. It didn't even hurt once the local anesthetic had worn off. At least, not at first. The crystal, however, was magical in nature and started to grow. It dug its roots inwards, burrowing into his skull in an effort to reach his frontal lobe beneath. The Yakuza boss known only as the Shadow ordered Hatami strapped down so he wouldn't attempt to dig the growing, living crystal from his own skull. Once it reached his brain though, a strange symbiosis began to occur. He found he could commune with the crystal, could command its powers. He now had control over rock and could harness his body's own electro-chemical generation to devastating results.

Blood and Honor - Electric/Storm Corruptor: Narute Nakatori was long since dead; ancient samurai wizard of the Nakatori family. It was he who had originated the storm magic that was their family's heritage and the reason for its ascendancy. Upon his death he joined the family ancestors as a hero, having brought great unbounded honor to the Nakatori name. And so Narute watched, answering his descendants' prayers when they sought his advice and spending his afterlife caretaking the family honor. Then came World War II and Japan's great defeat; though his country had not known victory, his family had performed with great honor in their battles. It was post war that caused their downfall. The Nakatori family turned to crime, becoming a Yakuza gang. Narute's heart broke and he turned his face from them after millenia of watching. But he could not ignore them forever; Hakami, daughter of the Yakuza leader, summoned and enslaved him with his own storm magic. Bound by blood at the cost of his honor.

Tribe of One - Shield/War Mace Tank: The African tribe was of Zulu descent and rightly proud of its warrior heritage. Though the world grew older and more "civilized" around them, still the tribe maintained its traditions and adherence to the old ways. Ungasa was their best; even at a young age besting the most experienced of tribal warriors. He was being groomed for the position of chieftain and his future was assured. Then, the outside world intruded. The Rikti ship was off course, an early encounter with Earth's defending heroes had destroyed its guidance systems. When it landed upon the African plains it was to make repairs... The Rikti did not expect attack. The battle was short and fierce, the clubs and spears of the tribesmen no match for the armor and weapons of the Rikti. When Ungasa woke from his injuries it was to find himself the last surviving member of his tribe. Ungasa is dead. He sacrificed his Self in order to avenge his tribe. Ungasa is no more; now he is a Tribe of One.

Ah... thought of another one...

Any thread where Dark_Respite announces her latest video.