Joe_Schmoe

((Haha, only you and Charon would get em, but I do it anyway just because its fun))

“America is the land of the second chance - and when the gates of the prison open, the path
ahead should lead to a better life.” – George W. Bush

Judas Black lies on his back, with his arms behind his head, wearing an orange jump suit. He stares at his prison cell’s ceiling. A sound cannot be heard. His solitary confinement is truly solitary. On the outside, there are thousands of criminals, yelling and screaming at each other. Beyond that is the city, where everyone goes about their daily lives; and on the news, pundits make their opinions known on the flawed court decision to keep Slaphappy alive.

In this cell, however, there is nothing. Besides a meal every once in awhile, nothing happens, and nothing is said.

Judas clears his throat, still looking at the ceiling. “We… all live in our yellow submarine. Yellow submarine. … Yellow submarine.” The song echoes back at him from the iron walls. He tries to think about how the rest of it goes; someone had told him at some point or another. Judas cannot quite remember who or where it was. He sighs and rolls onto his side, contemplating singing some more, when he hears some footsteps coming toward him from the hallway.

Judas sits up on the side of his cot, wondering if the last meal came a few hours ago, or a few days ago.

Instead of the usual sliding in of a food tray though, the prison cell door opened completely. Three people came in wearing black and white tights and full face masks.

“Where’s the grub?” Judas stands up.

“We are here to escort you out," one of them says, stepping forward.

“I could have handled that myself if I wanted. I’d rather just have breakfast. Or lunch. Or Dinner. Whichever it is time for. I’m not entirely sure,” Judas yawns and sits back down on the bed.

The three strangers hesitate and look at each other, "We are here to set you free.”

“I heard you,” Judas sighs and scratches his chin, "No need to repeat yourself.”

A second masked person speaks, "Do you not want to get out of here?”

“I want to eat and sleep. Is that cool?” He runs a hand through his hair.

They look at each other, and decide to go ahead with their pitch, "Judas Black, you have been invited to join us-“

“Oh boy, another club?” Judas Black rolls his eyes, "MAN. Arachnos. Fracture. Malice in Wonderland. Smile Squad. Rogues Gallery. ERA. GO Division. You know what? I don’t care anymore. I really... suggest you get out of here.”

The last masked person who has not spoken steps forward to talk, "This is an opportunity to get what you want-“

“Yes, because everyone knows what I want, eh? Everyone wants what I want. That’s why I’m the only one trying to make a difference.” Judas Black starts laughing hysterically, "No one knows what the damn hell I want. That’s why they think I’m crazy. That’s why they put me in here. So, you know, screw it.”

The masked people continue, "We can give you salvation, redemption-“

Judas gets in the face of the nearest of the three, starting to get hostile, "What the hell do any of those words even mean?”

“We can get you your father.” They nod in agreement.

“Oh? And what if that’s a lie? Eh? What if this is just another way to get me to maim and kill for a cause I don’t even believe in?” Judas’s eyes widen, looking at the blank mask in front of him.

“We will bring you back here, if that is what you want, we simply would like you to hear what we have to say.” They stand still, afraid of any movements causing Judas to react negatively.

Judas takes in a breath, and exhales slowly, "Fine. I’ll bite. Who are you guys?”

They extend their hands and say in unison, "We are Judex. We can help put in the system you would rather have.”

“I don't really look at myself as the kind of person who craves attention, but I've never been to therapy so there's probably a lot of stuff about myself that I don't know.” – Al Yankovic

“Look, I know this looks bad!” Judas Black yells over the screaming mob of people running around the city. “But I’m actually here to help! You can all stop panicking!” All the surrounding buildings are burning to the ground, and the PPD are swarming the area. “All right, so, maybe there’s a little bit too much fire. That’s my bad. But, I have it on very good authority that there are some very bad people in this vicinity, and I’m just smoking them out! So they’ll come, and I’ll take care of them, and boom, we’re all saved! So, how about we stop screaming, and we all exit in an orderly fashion-“ A tear gas canister slams into the side of his head. “You mother *******!”

Slaphappy pulls out a pistol and starts firing back at the officers. “You’re lucky I’m immune to this ****!” he screams as the gas fills the area. He pulls out a flask from his vest, and takes a big swig. Aurora comes running around the corner, healing people as she hits the cloud of tear gas.

“Judas, are you in there?!” She tries to stifle a cough.

“Yes, baby cakes!” He holsters his gun. “I have this all under control! My father’s men will come out of that building right there soon enough, and everyone will settle the **** down!”

Aurora tries to wave some the gas away from her face. “Are you drunk? Judas, what are you doing?!”

Judas exhales heavily. “I’m having an extinction burst!”

Aurora, still trying to wave the smoke away, tries to listen over the explosions and screaming surrounding them. “What?!”

Slaphappy sighs. “Oh god, it is awful. It’s when a previous learned behavior becomes irrelevant, so I keep doing the irrelevant learned behavior anyway until I realize it’s irrelevant and I calm the **** down!”

Aurora, feeling like she is not comprehending this, asks one more time. “What?!”

“I stopped killing people so I’m drunk and I set this school on fire!” Judas picks up a bazooka at his feet.

“Look, everyone has relapses. Well, not relapses quite like this, but no one has died yet, and we can still fix this. I’m going to go in here, and pull some more people out. Keep the police at bay until our back up shows.” Aurora runs into the school.

Judas nods and looks around at the gas to try to see where she ran off too. “Well, you do that, kid! Good luck!” He turns toward where he thinks the officers are at, but is in reality facing the school. “Look, you bastards! I’m on your side! I’m new at this heroics stuff! I made a few mistakes! But trust me, I’m taking out the bad guy! Look, let me just, I’m pretty sure he’s in this building!” He fires his bazooka at the school, long after Aurora had entered it.

While she is gathering some students and teachers, the missile collides into the side of the building. Smoke and flames burst into the sky, and people on the street cover their faces. She pulls everyone in close, trying use her empathic powers to heal from the flames, yet it will never be enough. The entire complex collapses on itself in fire and dust. The surrounding area gets enveloped in debris and ash.

The tear gas clears and Judas removes his sunglasses to take a better look. “There! I killed them! You’re welcome!”

A few police offers jump on top of him, knocking him to the ground. “Let go of me, you weirdos! I’m just killing the MAN!”

An officer takes out a baton, and hits him along his spine. “He’s lost his god damn mind! Shut up, you damn hippie!”

“No!” Judas laughs, realizing how he must sound. “It’s okay! GOD gave me the go ahead!”

They throw him in handcuffs and lift him up from the ground, dragging him to a nearby squad car. “This is a misunderstanding, guys! You don’t get it! Guys!” He kicks one officer to the ground, and wiggles away. “They have to know! They have to know!” With his hands still behind his back, he runs down the street, and falls down in front of an open mailbox, screaming into it. “Joe! Joe! The Evangelist is alive! The MAN is still in effect! Joe, please, you have to tell them! Tell everyone-“The police caught up, and grab Judas by the shoulders to bring him back to the squad car. “Guys! Please! Aurora?! Joe! The MAN!” One more baton swing onto the back of his head, and he is knocked out cold.

He did not find out until well into his sentencing that Aurora Lyght was dead. Judas Black didn’t say anything. He didn’t have any comments or jokes. For the first time, he stayed in solitary confinement with no attempts to escape, quietly, while a trial would decide his fate. The entire world watched while the justice system would decide if he would live or die. In a bizarre turn of events, he received a life imprisonment for his crimes instead. Judas Black took it, unwillingly, and stayed in prison much longer than any of the other times he was arrested. He stayed in his cell, and didn’t say a word.

“Here's the good news. If I realize that I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane.” – Charlie Sheen

“You know what’s really crazy? I can remember yesterday.” Slaphappy leans back in his seat in recollection, looking upon the one or two paintings in the room, and the miniature water fall on the coffee table.

“You do? You remember our session and some of training?” Aurora Lyght smiles upon her patient. They have been meeting in this room everyday for the past couple of months. To an untrained eye, she would seem to be an odd choice as a therapist to the terrorist mastermind Slaphappy. However, as a pure empath, she is completely tuned into his feelings and emotions.

“I remember all of training,” Judas says with a smirk. “All of yesterday.”

“You are two months sober. You’re going to be able to recollect much better than you used to,” Aurora, still smiling, pulls some of hair behind her ear.

He sits up a bit more in his chair. “I do. I remember much more than I used to already.”

She leans forward. “Are you remembering anything now?”

Judas leans forward toward her, with raised eyebrows and enthusiasm. “I’m remembering my father’s funeral.”

Aurora is a bit surprised and taken back. “I’m sorry.”

Judas waves his hand, and acts dismissive. “Don’t be! Happiest day of my life. That’s how this all started!”

“Your criminal activities?” Aurora puts her hands together, and continues to listen intently.

Judas throws his hands up with glee. “My life in Paragon! When I got out!” He brings his arms back down to his chair arms, and looks directly at Aurora. “After my father was dead, I was free, you see. I was very thankful towards Charon and the Bone Squad for killing him, which is a shame that they always tried to have me put away. But when I wandered out of my cage, deep from underneath the city, the first thing I found was his body. And boy, it was great to see it. I dragged it out of the alley before anyone else could get it, and invited his men to the funeral I set up. Only six showed up, and the rest is history. They’re still with me to this day.”

Aurora bites her lip. She hates this next part of their session, but she has to recite a question the G.O. Division wanted an answer for. “What happened to your father after that?”

“What?” Judas blinks, and thinks for a moment. “Oh. I guess we left him there. I moved on, and started my work. I blew up every fire truck, ambulance, mail truck, and police car in the city. Ahh, and Paragon never forgot me after that.”

Aurora clears her throat and tries to talk more sternly. “But you don’t know what happened to your father?”

Judas shrugs. “Well, he was dead, so I never gave it much thought. I figured the city picked him up.”

Aurora frowns and pulls some documents up from around under her chair. "Judas, when your file was given to me, I did my research on you before deciding to take you on as a patient....They...the city...we never recovered his body."

Slaphappy stops moving and stares at her. “That… That’s weird. I left him in the coffin. Out in the open. How could they not find it? Are they stupid? I left it… I found it. And I left it. I… He’s dead!” He laughs, loudly. “Of course he’s dead. Otherwise, why… I mean…” He scratches the back of his head, ferociously. “So what, he faked his death? For what purpose? So I could break out and become…” Judas pauses and looks off in the distance, as if he saw a train coming over a hill toward his face. “No. That’s ridiculous. So I’m some kind of pawn in some kind of master scheme? Did he plan this? His plan is still in effect? This is all part of it. All part of it. He had the means. He had a psychic, a wizard, an engineering genius. No, ‘My Absolute Nation’ is dead. M.A.N. is dead. This is impossible.” He jumps up from his seat and points at Aurora accusingly. “Crazy. You’re crazy!”

“Judas…” Aurora remains seated, looking away from his glare.

He sits back down, his eyes darting back and forth. “No, if he’s alive, then… We’re all… He’s still running things. The MAN. He’s still running it. Still pulling the strings. And I’m nothing but a tool for him. Just like he wanted. I don’t know what I’ve done to help him, but that’s how he works.”

She reaches over to grab his knee. “You didn’t plan for this-“

Judas swats it away. “But he did. M.A.N. That was his plan. The day daddy was dead… It was the happiest day. I was so happy. Slaphappy, I guess you could say. And I wanted it for everyone. I wanted everyone to feel just as liberated and free, as I did. Free from their jobs, their society, their Gods. So, that’s what I set out to do. That’s what I’ve been doing. But that’s what he wanted.”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” she says, pleadingly.

He shakes his head. “Maybe because that’s what he wanted. Maybe I’ve been brainwashed, like everyone else in his silly, little cult. I believe in the survival of the fittest, and you can’t be fit and burdened. You can’t be strong and sad. Happiness is a part of survival. That’s what I do. I am a liberator. I set free slaves. Everyone else? Cogs in the machines. I have no qualms killing them. They’re not human. Not like us. Is that mine? Is that my belief? Or was it his?”

Aurora is on the verge of tears, seeing him tortured. “It doesn’t matter who thought of it first-“

Judas yells and interrupts her. “It does. Because of it was his idea, then I’m doing his work. Then everything I’ve done will amount to nothing. It’ll be his. It won’t be mine. That’s all I’m doing, is helping him. I have to do something. Does Joe know?”

Aurora looks away once more, and shakes her head. “I don’t know.”

Judas puts his head in his hands and tries to keep it together. “He has to. He knows everything. But he would have done something about it. So he doesn’t know. I have to get the word out. Only the GO Division knows. And now, me. What has the G.O.D. done so far?”

Aurora gets close to begging him. “I’m not privy to that information, Judas, I was only hired-“

“Aurora. We have to do something.” Judas falls onto his knees, landing on the floor in front of Aurora, looking up into her face.

She looks down at him, not believing what she is seeing. “We? Judas-“

Slaphappy grabs her hands. “You’re my friend, Aurora. Therapist? Please. You have never had to bring in a notebook to remember anything. We’ve just been two people talking for two months. You’ve helped me so much, because you care. But, now other people are in danger. We’re the only ones that can do something about it.”

She tries to get his hands off, but he’s holding on too tightly. “What can I do?”

Judas tightens his grip. “Get me out of here. I’ll come back, I promise, but get me out of here. As long as he’s alive, we’re all in terrible danger.”

Aurora raises her voice, getting emotional. “I can’t allow you out of the complex so you can kill your father-“

Judas lets go of her hands, gets up, yelling at the wall behind him. “Fine! I’ll ‘arrest’ him! Whatever! You can trust me!”

She stands up to follow him. “They’ll never allow-“

Judas turns back toward her and pulls her close. “I said you can trust me. I got this. I took on the Dawn Patrol and the Defenders of Paragon. I got shot by a Rikti airship, and I lived! I’ve evaded the police while OD’ing! I killed a bear with my bare hands, which were holding guns! I had sex with an under aged half mouse, half girl! I’ve killed more people than Buddhists! I’m Judas Alice Black, the friendly neighborhood terrorist, and this time, Slaphappy will save the day! But I can’t do it without your help, Aurora. What do you say?”

“Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.” – Alcoholics Anonymous



“Do I even have to say it? This is Paragon. We all know how it works.” Judas Black circles the hostage he is pointing his gun at. “I want your money and shiny objects. I have an organization to support now. Cell phones, wallets, some of your nicer shoes and pants – those sunglasses are nice.”

Everyone, however, holds still, not following Slaphappy’s orders. The GAP stands quietly, unlike the hustle and bustle of happy shopping at this mall, its patrons confused and blankly staring at the situation in front of them.

“Look, I know this isn’t an ideal place for a robbery, but the usual rules apply,” Judas states, as he clears his throat. He is speaking sternly, instead of enthusiastically, and at half of his normal volume.

“They don’t let me near banks anymore, and ERA needs money.” He pauses for a moment to furiously scratch at the stubble on his upper neck with his free hand.

“Do you know how expensive villain groups are? Why are you just staring at me? I mean, silly question.” Judas flings his long, greasy hair back as he removes his top hat only to place it right back on tightly.

“No, but seriously, I’m going to kill this hostage.”

He thrusts his gun into the hostage’s face, eliciting absolutely no response from his audience – instead of fear, shock, and the rainfall of money and valuables Judas is used to, they maintain that hauntingly blank and confused stare.

One of his eyes squint while the other widens with a raised eyebrow, as a pained smile spreads across his face. “So, you don’t think I’ll do it? You don’t think I’d shoot this sucker in the face? He means nothing to me! Nothing!” Slaphappy points at the other people in the store, with their empty and bewildered expressions.

“All of you! Ants! Sheep! Apes running a flawed society! I’ll do it! For realies!” He smacks the hostage across the face with the butt of his gun, and a ‘clack’ echoes through the store as they fall against the floor. Judas points the gun at the back of his hostage’s head, “Little squeeze on this tiny trigger makes a big bang!”

One of the cashiers in the back of the store looks to her right at one of the shoppers for answers, and the shopper shrugs as they turn back to look at Slaphappy. The police had been called a while ago, but Judas did not seem to notice – he didn’t seem to be noticing anything.

“Well, usually…I don’t have to start shooting people until after I get the money. I guess you’re all stressed out. It has been a long day. I know how it goes.” Slaphappy relaxes his posture and scratches the back of his head with his gun. “I mean, one day, you’re really sticking it to the man – REALLY sticking it to the man. No ****.”

He starts to pace around the store, looking at the ground, gun still in hand, as he slowly tries to recollect the past seven years of his long, murderous career, his voice reaching the crescendo feverishly, “And then before you know it, you’re killing your therapist and taking over a mental asylum because you want to impress some clown who broke you out of prison. Soon after that, some raging telepathic serial killer and alien from another dimension invite you to join their club, and you end up murdering some sidekicks and becoming famous. You do a lot of crazy **** like getting drunk and nuking a sheep farm. Then that dies down, so you steal a blimp from some pirates and fly around the city, drinking and killing people for some reason, I guess out of boredom. But then you crash your blimp into a Catholic school because you’re on horse tranquilizers and Jack Daniels, and you decide, hey, maybe flying a blimp around a city filled with skyscrapers isn’t such a good idea. So some black guy you hate invites you to join some League of Thieves to steal money, and that’s fun for a while. Then a second black guy you hate, because he keeps trying to kill you, invites you to join some League of Doom to take over the world, and you’re like, why not, what else is going on? So you do it, and you’re killing people for some reason and robbing malls while being high on meth, and you’re like, where did it all go wrong? What happened to sticking it to men?”

A mall patron opens their mouth to say something, decides against it, and closes it again.

“But! Maybe I can finish this up and fix things!” Judas’s face brightens as he looks up. “I can tell ERA where to shove it! I’m not a puppet! I am my own man! A loner! I don’t need these… weirdos and freaks telling me how to do what I do. I don’t need to do it for anyone! Hey! Yeah! So, you know what, give me your money. I’ll keep it for myself! I’ll fix up my old Go-Kart! I’ll start killing politicians and mailmen, just like the good old days!” He spins around and looks at all the people gawking at him, with glee in his voice. “What do you say gang?! Power to the people!”

Everyone stares with a blank expression, unmoving.

“So… not even for Pappy Slappy. Not even for Daddy Judas. This is mutiny. I see. After everything your Slaphappy has done for you.” His whole body slumps as cheer leaves his voice once more.

“I give you the answers, I take out the bad guys – I even helped stop a god damn alien invasion! But nope! You’re ungrateful little children. Fine! If murder is the only way to get you people to listen, so be it!” Slaphappy walks back to his original hostage, still on the ground.

He points his gun at the back of the captive’s head. “I don’t know why you people think I’m bluffing! I’ve done this dozens of time! I’ve been on the Most Wanted list since day number one! Remember all those cop cars and ambulances blowing up?! That was me! I’m a bad ***! But all right, if you people really don’t want to throw me your cash and nice khakis!” Slaphappy looks up at the gawking crowd one last time, looking for any kind of reaction, before looking back down at the head he’s aiming at.

“I’m sorry dude. They’re kind of proving my point on the whole…society failing, people not caring about each other thing. If it makes you feel any better, you’re my most fashionable of victims.”

Slaphappy fires his first shot, and it hits the floor to the right of the hostage’s head. Everyone covers their ears while some yell in agony at the sudden burst of noise and light. “Oops. Wow. That’s embarrassing. Dude, you didn’t even flinch. Kudos to you!”

He fires a second shot, and it hits a spot above the hostage’s head. “Really?! Wow. Okay. Look, I’m trying to hurry this up. We all got places to be.”

Judas fires a third shot, and it hits to the left of the hostage’s head. “This has been the worst day. **** it! I don’t need ammo!”

His teeth grind as his shoulders straighten out and his face strains. Slaphappy starts screaming and emptying his clip at the head below his feet. Finally, one bullet hits and plastic comes shattering back at his face.

“Victory! HA! And you people think I’ve lost it! You thought I didn’t have it in me! Ahh, look at your shocked and alarmed faces. I guess you all should have listened, eh? No one would have gotten hurt! Well, that’s not entirely true.”

His foot, resting in a red sneaker, is placed onto the back of the headless target. “Your friendly neighborhood terrorist isn’t so friendly, eh? Maybe we should take him more seriously! Who knows who here would be next! If I had more ammo, I could take you all out! Hell, maybe I’d even take out that cutie over there, wearing this season’s newest blouse.”

“Judas.” An older gentlemen wearing military garb slowly approaches Slaphappy with no weapons drawn. “Please stop shooting the mannequins.”

“You’re not my dad! And, wait, what?” Judas looks at his feet. “Is that why he’s made of plastic?”

“Yes. Now come with me. We’re here to help.” Other military personnel come up around Slaphappy, as the people in the store are taken out of the area safely.

“Am I under arrest? Because I hate that ****. I don’t know why you people think I want to be in there.” He starts pointing his empty gun around, wildly.

“No, you’re not at the moment. We’re going to clean up your act.” The captain nods, as one of the men takes Slaphappy from behind with handcuffs.

“What in Sam hill?! This is a lot like an arrest! I’ve had these dozens of times! Who the hell are you people?! Why are the mannequins alive?! Am I in a GAP?!” Judas starts to struggle, thrashing as if he is a rabid animal, about to be put down.

“We’re the G.O. Division. You’re high. And yes, this is a GAP. But we agree with what you said earlier. You need to get back on track. And we’re here to help. My name is Elsinger. You’re among friends, as long as you do what we say.”

“Fine. I’m coming. Since I’m in handcuffs and you’re dragging me. This better be good. I’m not wearing any pants.”

The G.O. Division quietly usher Slaphappy out of the mall, while everyone looks on. They start playing on their phones, texting and taking pictures.

They did not know it at the time, but it would be the longest Paragon did not see Judas Black since he started his career.

Haha, I know. But I meant to say I did that intentionally. I kept staying out of the brawl, and tipping the scale. But I kept feeling bad, so I'd jump in to get pounded on once in awhile.

Let us know how the support ticket goes.

It's a minor inconvenience, but it is a frustrating one...

Yep, going on over a week for me with having this issue. 3 desktops and the laptop can see the website fine. My desktop cannot. It is also the only computer with XP left on it, but I doubt that has anything to do with it.

Yep, that would be me. Same symptoms you are all having.

I can ping the website in cmd, but not nslookup. It started after I moved to my new home, so sometime after January 3rd.

Yep, same here. Any word on this? All my friends are playing but me, and now I'm a LOSER! This is pretty terrible.

Makes sense, actually. These things are Universal Enhancement slots, and you can't Enhance Domination.

I want all of this.