There was a player named Flagg (no longer in game, I believe, though be happy to be told I'm wrong) who wrote some wonderful fan fiction about the Archvillains in the game. My favorite is the Holiday special, so it's time to repost it. All the Flagg Archvillain stories can be found at the Guardians of the Golden Age website, at
http://gotga.guildportal.com/Guild.a...e=ARCHVILLAINS
Here it is:
ARCHVILLAINS Part 2 - The Holiday Special
ARCHVILLAINS: The Holiday Special
CHAPTER ONE
::The view fades in from static, revealing Dr. Vazhilok and the Clockwork King standing in a large room, looking up at something off-screen.::
Dr. V: As I promised, is it not Magnificent? Awe-Inspiring? Nay, dare I say it
.. GLORIOUS?
CK: Look, Doc
Even for you, this is going too far.
Dr. V: Ah, you were expecting something biological perhaps? A triumph of modern medicine, to broadcast my genius far and wide to-
CK: No, you manage that on your own. Look, I dont know WHERE you got this, but
Dr. V: It was obtained at great personal risk! Well, to my assistants, of course. I must admit to being surprised by the attrition among them, most annoying. After all, I just finished my Christmas card mailings, now I have to arrange a few rounds of Get Well cards. Truly, as sinister as I am, I cannot compete with the insidious EVIL that is Hallmark
.
CK: You lost minions when you stole this thing? How?
Dr. V: Freak caroling accident.
CK: Huh?
Dr. V: While they were hauling it back, my selected group of minions was noticed by a hero. Valkyrie, I think it was. They were forced to assume the disguise of a group of carolers to escape.
CK :
.
CK: Thats
. That actually worked?
Dr. V: Did it ever! They had her singing along to Silent Night, and We Three Kings!
CK: Unbelievable! So what went wrong?
Dr. V: Well, it was working fine until she bought them a round of eggnog. Eggs tend to disrupt the digestive functions of my test subjects, and
...
CK: So THAT was why Blyde Square was closed yesterday! I thought it was a gas main touching off, or an explosion in the sewers! Could have sworn that there was sewage around, anyway
Dr. V: Yes, well
. The end result was not dissimilar
.
CK:
CK: Its times like this Im glad my boys are all metal. Less disturbing byproducts. So what happened next?
Dr. V: Ah, one of my quick-thinking Eidolons rallied a few abominations, grabbed it and ran. She got a promotion for that, but anyway
Here it stands, towering and majestic! And I reiterate
Dr. V: Is it not GLORIOUS?
CK: Doc, I can say with total honesty that Ive never seen anything like it before.
Dr. V: I sense that your enthusiasm is perhaps, underwhelming.
CK: Yeah, okay. I was trying to be nice, but DOC! LOOK at the thing!
Dr. V: I assure you, I have perused every branch and support strut of
..
CK: Look. I dont have any arguments with the rest of your decorations. Frankly, I didnt know that sewers could smell like pine trees, or look festive with mistletoe. And using green and red intestines in place of tinsel, THATs class, right there. Thats one of the reasons I voted for you as the Christmas Party host this year!
CK: Well, that and I didnt want Requiem ending up with it again
.
Dr. V: My memories of his infernal Bundt Cake will take years of therapy to erase. Gaaah! Never again, can I look at such chocolate goodness with culinary innocence
..
CK: See? Precisely. And thats not even getting into the mandatory lederhosen.
CK: But the main reason that I voted for you was that I knew youd do a good job with it. And you did. But this
. This TREE! This is beyond the pale
.
::The camera pans up a tarnished metal Christmas tree sculpture, and up, and up
..::
Dr. V: Am I to then infer that it does not meet your aesthetic standards?
CK: LOOK at it! Its crumpled, and rusty!
Dr. V: Yes, well, some repairs will be necessary
.
CK: Theres maybe three specks of green paint on it, and some sad remains of candles
. Is that an angel on the top, or an octopus?
Dr. V: Well, it IS an antique, and it DID suffer some damage in transit
.
CK: Antique? Yeah, I figured that when I saw the green asbestos all up and down the branches
.
Dr. V: Now, Ive sprayed that with a self-invented formula, the toxic properties of the fibers should be contained
.
CK: Hey, not like I have lungs anyway. But the point is
Dr. V: You do not possess lungs? How do you speak?
CK: I
. Uh
. That is
CK: Hey, dont change the subject!
CK: Look, this tree sucks. Im sorry to say it, and its probably a great antique, even if it does look like it was used in both world wars
.
Dr. V: Actually, it could have been. It was crafted in 1848, by the finest Germanic artificiers
CK: Are you kidding me here?
Dr. V: Frederick IV, king of Prussia sunk endless funds from his country into the development of THIS! The ultimate in Yuletide technology
.
CK:
Dr. V: Powered by the cleansing power of steam! With self-lighting candles, a deployable nativity, and a clockwork angel capable of singing three different holiday songs! Not to mention the Charles Babbage-inspired pinboard differential engine, a miracle of its time! With that engine, the tree could monitor, predict, and adjust itself to maximize the flow of holiday spirit within any domicile it was activated within! Twenty feet of wrought steel, asbestos, and holiday cheer
.
Dr. V: This is the PINNACLE of the finest technology 1848 had to offer!
CK: NOW I get it. Once you said Prussian, it all clicked.
Dr. V: Yes. You KNOW how mopey he gets around this time.
CK: Mmhm. And its steam-powered, and from about the right time period
Dr. V: YES! Not only will it be our magnificent centerpiece of the party, it will be the PERFECT gift for Nemesis!
CK: Thank Gawd! If this doesnt snap him out of his holiday Grinchness, nothing will. Hey, remember when he ruined the party that time when it was Clares turn?
Dr. V: The Countess? Oh, I remember that. And after she went to all the trouble with the all-Paragon-Protector dance revue
CK: They were pretty good. Certainly didnt deserve a force blast. And when he missed and hit the support pillar
.
Dr. V: Well. There will be no fear of that this year. Once he sees this Victorian economy-destroying, overblown, and frankly DANGEROUS piece of Christmas history, he should be satisfied. It is, in the vernacular, right up his alley!
CK: Yeah. But its in such bad shape
. Will it still work? And itll need cleaning up
Dr. V: Actually, it does not yet work. Yet.
Dr. V: ::Turns his surgical-masked face to the Clockwork King, and rubs his chin
::
CK: ::Holds his hands up defensively:: Oh no. NO no. No way
Dr. V: It DOES have clockwork within it. And the steam parts were sturdily constructed, they should require minimal repair.
CK: I am WAY too busy to even consider this
Dr. V: Very well
Let me appeal to your interests using Quid Pro Quo. What would you say if one
Vanessa Van Dorns invitation to the party were to be
. Lost?
CK:
..
CK: Give me a wrench, some old appliances to convert into cogs, and Ill see what I can do.
Dr. V: Ah ha! I knew that I could count on you! And once this monstrosity is working anew, NOTHING shall stand in the way of our gathering of EVIL!
Dr. V: Muahahahahahahaha!
CK: Buaahahhahahahaa!
CK: Alright, Im in. An honest-to-gawd unangsty Nemesis, and no Vanny make this too good to pass up. Now then
.
::The scene fades into static::
CHAPTER TWO
::The static fades away, revealing a decorated room. Several people can be heard talking and moving around in the background. The Clockwork King stands beside a buffet table, holding a mug and wearing a santa hat. Several Cogs happily disassemble a TiVo at his feet. On the far left, part of a gargantuan metal Christmas tree can be seen, with lit candles, new streamers and various ornaments sparkling::
CK: Damn, this is boring.
CK: I fix his tree for him, and do I get a word of thanks? No, it's "Esteemed colleague, can you man the punch bowl for a few minutes? I need to finish the cookie plates..."
CK: I said, this is BORING.
Cogs: The great and mighty Clockwork King is bored! Death to boredom!
CK: That's more like it... HEY! STOP THAT!
Cogs: ::Scatter away guiltily, leaving a rewired, somewhat dismantled TiVo to be scooped up by the Clockwork King's hands::
CK: Dammit! This was going to be Vazzy's present...::
TiVo: ::Twitches, then stirs vestigial arms:: Dzzz.........
CK: Aw........ ::Tickles the TiVo gently, then passes it down to the Cogs.
CK: Well, it's not quite a Christmas miracle, but what the heck. I'll just get the Doc a Best Buy card or something.
Cogs: The great and mighty Clockwork King will procure a gift card!
CK: SHh, shh.... oh, hello!
::A Green-skinned giant of a man stalks up. He has a sprig of holly on his grungy jacket collar::
CK: So, how they hanging, Grendel?
G: Tallyho, old chap! Smashing to see you again
. I say, Vazzys got you on punch patrol, has he?
CK: Yeah. Requiem was trying to spike it earlier
I think we got there in time. Tastes fine, anyway.
CK: ::Unscrews the top of his brain-jar, and tips some punch from his mug into his cranial fluids::
G: ::Watches in horror::
CK: Yep! WHOO! That hits the spot!
G: Ah
. Yes. Well, I suddenly find my desire for this particular beverage somewhat
. Hm, diminished. Cant say WHY, really
.
CK: Ah, no worries! More for the rest of us
Hey, not so many new faces this year.
G: True. Not exactly been a bumper year for new villains
.. tsk, either that or theyre trying to get out of union dues
No, wait. Theres one, that Tyrant chap
CK: Looks like hes trying to hit on the Countess
Oh wow! Look, hes trying the yawn and armstretch trick!
G: How droll! Wait for it, wait for it
.. HaHA!
CK: Yes! Psionic slap to the head! Woo, I could feel the backblast from that one in MY brain, even from here!
G: Er, are you rather sure it wasnt the punch? Youre, hm,
.. fizzing
.
CK: Hm? Gah! No wonder everythings purple
. Look, could you guard the punch bowl for a while? I needa hit the facilities
G: Er, yes, you do that, Ill
yes, Ill carry on.
CK: ::Stumbles off-camera. Distant sound of a crash
::
CK: :
istant, muffled voice:: Sorry
.
G: Remarkably bad show
ah well, he shouldnt be long.
G: ::Folds his arms, and stands next to the punchbowl.::
Cogs: ::Look up at Grendel::
G: ::Glances down at the cogs, then stares straight ahead::
Cogs: ::Look up at Grendel::
G: ::Ignores the cogs, scowls::
Cogs: ::Look up at Grendel::
G: ::Glares down at the cogs::
Cogs: ::Look up at Grendel::
G:
WHAT?!
Cogs: ::Flee under the punch table::
G: ::Rolls his eyes:: Minions.
::A man in a helmet, full mask, and upper half of a brown uniform staggers over. He is wearing lederhosen and elf-style red and green pointy shoes, and carrying a large stein::
Man: Guten nacht, young Troll
. Stand aside, I haff something for der Punch bowl.
G: Requiem, I presume?
R: Ja, ja. Now muff, I need to add zome kick to der drink.
G: Sorry, Im afraid that I cawnt do that.
R: Stand aside. I am Requiem, eternal varrior of der fallen ideals of der Reich! I KILLED Atlas, und danced on his bones! Mit my organization of highly trained fanatics, supernatural creatures, und deadly varbots, I am NOT vun to be taken-
G: :: Idly reaches out and flicks a finger against Requiems helmet. A BONG sound echoes throughout the room::
R: ::Falls over::
G: I rather think youve had enough. Hm?
::Applause fills the room::
Vandal: Dots der vay to do it! Stupid Requiem und his stupid Council! Give him das boot!
G: Yes, well
er
thank yew. Yes. Could somebody
Cogs: ::Swarm out from under the table, and grab ahold of the unconscious Requiem::
Cogs: Hey, HUP!
Cogs: ::Pick up Requiem and scuttle off-camera::
G: Er. Well, that works.
CK: ::Enters from off-camera, rubbing his brain-jar::
CK: Yeesh, what a kick. Thank god for Tums.
G: Steady on, old chap. Listen, is there something going on with the Fifth Column? Vandal was quite happy to see Requiem having a bit of a sticky wicket
CK: I missed something bad happening to Requiem? Damn.
CK: I dont know whats going on with those two
I think they got in a big argument over Halloween, thats when it started. Both of them wanted to dress up as Hitler for trick-or-treating, or something.
G: Mm. Well, not really any difference to me, tell the truth. My, look at the time
.
CK: Yeah, thanks for watchin the punch
Oh, here comes the Doc!
G: Id best be going, I really cawnt stand his company
. Dont tell him I said that, hm?
CK: Hey, my lips are sealed.
G:
..You dont have
. Ah, nevermind.
G: ::Heads off-camera::
Dr. V: ::Enters from the side, both arms carrying large cookie plates::
Dr. V: Ah, my copper-plated comrade! I trust you have not been put to much inconvenience during my absence
CK: No, its cool. Hey, is that fudge?
Dr. V: Yes! Im trying a new mix this year. Please help yourself, and I DO recommend the press cookies as well
CK: Man, look at all the candy sprinkles. Ah, damn the diet, gimme a plate
Dr. V: Diet?
CK: Yeah, Im trying Atkins, but it doesnt seem to be making much of a difference so far. Hey, butters protein, right?
Dr. V: How can you go on a diet without
. Ah, no matter. On a different subject, have you seen our Stalwart Sultan of Steam anywhere?
CK: No, not yet. You KNOW hes always late.
Dr. V: True. And I dont see anyone staggering under the weight of his fruitcake gifts yet
CK: Every damn year, another fruitcake. Youd think hed find something that didnt SUCK to give people one of these years
Dr. V: Ah, speaking of gifts
. Here you go. ::Hands the Clockwork King a wrapped parcel::
CK: !
CK: Doc
. You shouldnt have
. ::Tears it open::
CK: Oh man! A whole case of WD-40
and the GOOD stuff, not the gas-station crap I usually have to settle for
Dr. V: Think nothing of it! Out of this crowd, I have to say that you are probably the easiest to shop for
CK: Thanks, man. Ah
your present is gonna be a little delayed, Im sorry
.
Dr. V: Not a problem, not a problem. Though, if youre still procuring for your holiday shopping, I could use another Kidney
Those assault rifle heroes can be murder, sometimes.
CK: Hm
Ill see what I can do. Oh! Look! There he is!
Dr. V: Finally! Welcome, Nemesis!
::A pair of shiny gold and steel legs are visible beneath a huge double armload of fruitcake. The overburdened figure staggers over to the table, and drops off the pastry. The table promptly collapses, spilling the punchbowl and sending cookies everywhere::
N: Sorry about that, Vazzy.
CK: ::Whispers:: Damn, hes in full Grinch mode already
Dr. V: ::Choking back rage::
Dr. V: Quite
. All right. Im sure that all my hard work can be
redone.
N: Meh. Ah, Guten nacht, fellow Monarch.
CK: Oh, heya. ::Whispers:: Show him the tree already! He hasnt looked at it yet
.
Dr. V: Ah yes, right. Ah, Nemesis! Take a look at our centerpiece for this year! I went to great lengths to
N: ::Glances over at the Christmas tree. The eyes on his mask widen in shock, as he whips his staff from his back, throws up full shields, and backs away slowly
::
::The room goes quiet::
Countess Crey: Oh, not again. Home, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Yas, Madame.
Dr. V: What
what seems to be the matter?
N: You fools! Do you know what you have done!?
N: After all these years, I thought it destroyed
gone, safely rusted or fallen to pieces
.
Dr. V: You
know of this Christmas tree?
N: Know it? I MADE it! It was my first project!
CK: You made the perfect Christmas Tree? Seems a little out-of-character for you
N: No. I made the perfect Yuletide WEAPON.
CK:
N: Hidden under that tinsel and mistletoe, lurks the prime instrument of my first plot, ever! To assassinate Frederick IV, King of Prussia, I secretly modified his plans for the perfect Christmas Tree
. And when he activated it for his Christmas party on Christmas eve, 1848, it would be
N: His DOOM! Ahahahha
N: Ahem. But it was not to be. You see, Frederick was known for throwing really good parties. So, I built it to activate once it had been exposed to a certain level of holiday spirit
Once this threshold of good cheer had been achieved
.
N: Der Tannen-Bomb would activate, and bring DOOM to all within! Unfortunately, Fredericks favorite poodle died the night before the party, so his party flopped. The tree was lost
. Until now.
CK: Der Tannen-Bomb? You gotta be kidding
Well, this explains all the weaponry and bizarre equipment that I repaired.
N: I wish I was kidding. Hey, I was young. Fortunately
.. it seems that there is not enough good cheer in this room to activate it.
N: ::Slowly puts away his staff, and deactivates his shields::
N: Nonetheless, I would recommend getting rid of it at the earliest opportunity.
CK: So were saved because the party sucks this year?
Dr. V:
.
CK: Hey, no offense Doc, you busted your butt on this one. Not your fault its been a rough year. Hell, with all the heroes, all our thwarted plans, and all the setbacks, you should be happy anyones here at all. Youd have to be a lunatic to be cheerful and happy at the levels the tree needs!
::Sounds of a door opening, a female voice rings out::
Voice: Oh goody, this IS the place! Merry Christmas, everyone!
::The tree shudders::
CK: Oh no.
Dr. V: How
I swear, I deliberately lost her invitation
CK: Its her
.
Dr. V: Ah! I keep forgetting that shes psychic
.
N: Dont let her...
::Vanessa De Vore stalks onto the camera, in a skimpy green elf suit. She hauls out a wad of mistletoe, levitates it over the Clockwork Kings stunned form, and gives him a big kiss. Theres a clunk as her mask hits his brain jar::
VdV: Surprised, Clocky? I bet you thought I wouldnt show! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Der TannenBomb: HOLIDAY
CHEER
..AT CRITICAL LEVELS
DTB: ACTIVATING
.MOBILE MODE
..
N: Oh my, look at the time!
N: ::Runs like hell::
CK: What! HEY! Dont run, tell us how to
.
DTB: EXPLOSIVE ORNAMENTS
ARMED
..
DTB: MECHA
..NATIVITY DEPLOYED
..
Doc V: Run! Fly, you fools!
DTB: EXTERMINATE
.. EXTERMINATE
. EXTERMINATE
..
::Camera shakes, as the room is filled with yelling, people running, and the Doctor and the King trying to get everyone out. Finally, both of them leave, breaking through the nearest wall.::
DTB: ::With a burst of steam, and the grinding of metal on metal, the large green metal Christmas Tree transforms! Revealing mighty arms and legs, it starts smashing indiscriminately around the sewer chamber::
DTB: EXTERMINATE!
::The camera fades to static::
CHAPTER 3
::The scene fades in from static... The Clockwork King and Dr. Vazhilok are crouched down behind a few overturned cars on a deserted city street. In the distance, smoke and explosions fill the air.::
CK: Did we lose it?
Dr. V: I believe that we have escaped its pursuit, yes.
CK: Whew. I'm glad that we weren't far from Blyde Square, Positron and Valkyrie should slow it down for a little while, at least.
Dr. V: Hopefully. The destructive potential of this terrible tree is disturbing! How is it that you failed to inform me of its myriad of annoying armaments? Surely you must have noticed them during your repair-work...
CK: Hey, don't blame me for this mess! I tried to tell you about them, but then you needed me to watch the punchbowl, and you were all "The snicker-doodles are burning! This perfidy CANNOT continue!", and you were gone.
Dr. V: Mm, true. I suppose the moral of the story is to finish party preparations well in advance of the actual party.
CK: Yeah, or else your Christmas tree will come to life and destroy your hometown.
CK: Y'know, you could research your antiques a little better! How did you not know that this was one of Nemesis' projects? How did you MISS that little fact?
Dr. V: Excuse me? I steadfastly deny responsibility for THIS particular piece of mayhem! How was I to know that it was Nemesis' handiwork? It didn't exactly have a "If lost, return C/O Nemesis Rex" plate, like all his Jaegers do....
Dr. V: And besides, the infernal thing would yet be inactive, save for the intervention of your girlfriend...
CK: Hey, HEY! Don't you start on me, she is NOT my girlfriend!
CK: She's a psychopathic loon with co-dependence issues and enormous unstable psychic powers! And YOU were supposed to lose her invitation!
Dr. V: As I informed you, I DID ensure that her invitation never saw the light of day! That worrisome woman is PSYCHIC, remember?
CK: As if I could ever forget. Hey. Listen to that?
Dr. V: To what? I hear nothing.
CK: Yeah, the explosions have stopped.
Dr. V: ......This does not comfort me.
CK: Me either. Ah, dammit! Get down!
:
octor Vazhilok and the Clockwork King duck behind the overturned cars, as three automatons wearing crowns ride mechanical camels down the road, slowly.::
Mecha-Melchior: LOCATE.........REVELERS........
Mecha-Kasper: DESTROY......... CHRISTMAS CHEER............
Mecha-Balthazar: ONWARD........OVER FIELD AND FOUNTAIN........MORE AND MOUNTAIN...........
::The three mecha-Kings of Orient ride off-scene::
:
octor Vazhilok and the Clockwork King poke their heads back up::
CK: They must be scouting.... That thing's probably got the whole nativity out, looking for fresh targets.
Dr. V: You know, we could probably have rendered those three into scrap with relatively little effort or tribulation.
CK: Oh no! I learned my lesson when we tried to take down Mecha-Baby Jesus! His napalm STUNG!
CK: God only knows what the Three Kings of Orient do....
Dr. V: True. And they have mecha-camels. The fiends!
Dr. V: We seem to be in a bit of a quandary.
CK: Quandary? We're doomed! We're so deep in stuff that I could stand on your head and still be under the surface! The situation is bad, getting worse, and promises only pain and hurting in the very near future! There is NO possible way that it could get worse!
Vanessa De Vore: Oh, there you are Clocky!
CK: .........
CK: When the Hell will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?
VdV: ::Strolls on-camera, carrying a bronze lamb automaton with both arms::
VdV: Look what I found! Isn't he adorable?
Mecha-Lamb: BAA.
CK: Vanny.... put the lamb down, and step away from him...
VdV: Whatever for? Oh, do you want to pet him?
VdV: ::Shoves the lamb into the Clockwork King's faceplate::
CK: ::Recoils::
ML: TARGET IDENTIFIED...... UH.... I MEAN.... BAA.
VdV: Hee hee! Oh, he's so funny.... I think I'll call him Fluffy.
Dr. V: Woman! You know not what you do! That lamb is in actuality a Judas Goat!
VdV: Oh don't be silly. If he was a goat he'd have horns, not this fluffy fur...
VdV: ::Strokes Mecha-Lamb's steel wool::
Dr. V: No, you wandering wench! I mean that he will lead his master straight to us! Gah, what is the use...
CK: Vanny.... he's part of the Mecha Nativity... Remember that big Christmas Tree that tried to kill us? You do remember right? You've been taking your pills, right?
VdV: Oh, those things? I lost the bottle last month. I don't need them anyway... And what are you talking about? You mean that tree wasn't part of the entertainment?
CK: You... uh, you did see people running and screaming, and it trying to kill them?
VdV: You mean that wasn't a dance?
Dr. V: Look!
ML: ::Is firing flares from its back into the sky::
VdV: Ooooo, pretty!
Dr. V: It will lead Der Tannen-Bomb straight to us!
Dr. V: ::Blasts the automaton into scrap::
ML: BAAAaaaaaaa.........*click*
CK: Whew. OH CRAP!
CK: SWEET JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH!
Dr. V: What now?
VdV: You.... you killed Fluffy...
CK: NO! I MEAN LOOK! JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH!
Mecha-Mary: MOTHERLY LOVE FORCE FIELD..........ACTIVATED.....
Mecha-Joseph: STERN ROD OF PUNISHMENT.............ARMED..........
Mecha-Baby-Jesus: BURNING NAPALM........DEATH-RAY EYES.........CYLINDERS OF BUBONIC PLAGUE...............ARMED.
MM and MJ: ::Look at Mecha-Baby-Jesus in disbelief::
MBJ: ...................WHAT?
Dr. V: Now is our chance!
CK: You're reading my mind!
Dr. V and CK: ::Run like hell::
VdV: You killed Fluffy.....
Mecha-Holy Trio: EXTERMINATE! ::Launch various implements of destruction at Vanessa::
VdV: Fluffy.... NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! ::Completely ignores all attacks as they glance away from her own force field::
VdV: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:: A brilliant purple light flares from Vanessa as everything within two-hundred feet of her is shredded by telekinetic force! The resulting dome of the explosion eats holes in nearby buildings::
MBJ: ::Starts to disintegrate in the purple light...:: WAAAA.....
MM: YOU MAKE MECHA-BABY JESUS CRY....... :
isintegrates::
::The scene is quiet for a few minutes, as bits of cars, road, buildings, and automatons cascade down onto the ground::
VdV: ::Picks herself out of the rubble::
VdV: Oh my, did I do that?
VdV: ::Looks around, as the camera shudders rhythmatically. The footsteps of something very big can be heard approaching::
VdV: Now what was I doing here again? And why did I put a big crater in the street?
Der Tannen-Bomb: REVELER..........LOCATED.........
DTB: TARGET................RADIATES EXTREME...................HOLIDAY CHEER...............
VdV: OOooh, it's the spirit of Christmas! What a glorious tree! Much nicer than those nasty Eochai things....
DTB: IDEA..........RETAIN TARGET........MAINTAIN CONTINUOUS AMOUNT OF FESTIVITY TO ENSURE CONTINUAL OPERATION.................
VdV: I want to give you a hug!
DTB: ::Scoops up Vanessa, and starts to stride off through the city::
VdV: Oh my, where are we going?
DTB: EXTERMINATE...........EXTERMINATE..............EXT ERMINATE................
VdV: Can I be an angel? Yours looks broken....
DTB: ........................AFFIRMATIVE............
DTB: ::Places Vanessa on top of the angel's perch, and begins throwing ornaments at screaming crowds. Many explosions follow::
VdV: Oooooh, Pretty!
VdV: I feel like a song..... Chestnuts roasting over an open fire....
VdV: Jack Frost.... nipping at your nose....
::Scene fades into static, as the tree-mecha continues to sow chaos and destruction through Paragon City::
CHAPTER 4
::The scene fades in from static. Doctor Vazhilok and the Clockwork King are arguing in a wrecked street, as people run and scream::
CK: .......And I'm telling you that wouldn't work! The thing's covered in asbestos, there's no way we'll be able to set it on fire!
Dr. V: With enough accelerant, anything can be rendered combustible! And it does not have to STAY on fire, it merely has to remain burning long enough to heat the casing up, then........
CK: We don't HAVE a truck full of liquid nitrogen! You KNOW they don't send tanker trucks full of dangerous material through this city anymore!
Dr. V: True. Though it is a mixed blessing...
CK: Yeah, no more "industrial accident" superheroes! At least, not on our highways...
Dr. V: Truly, those were the most irritating! Toxic chemicals kill people! They should not mutate them! It is.... just bad science! Incomprehensible! AGH!
CK: Whoa, whoa Doc. Focus, here... big Christmas tree of Doom, remember?
Dr. V: Yes. Very well, if we cannot flashfreeze and shatter the thing, can your minions perhaps take it to pieces? It IS mechanical, after all....
CK: No way! Did you see how deadly that thing is? My poor boys would be down to nuts and bolts in no time!
Dr. V: Perhaps we need a monster to fight a monster! Why not send Babbage against the thing?
CK: Thought about it, but he's out tonight.
Dr. V: What? Where, Boomtown? I feel that this takes some precedence, and he's only one zone away from Steel Canyon...
CK: Naw, he's at his anger management class. His counselor feels that they're making some real breakthroughs!
Dr. V: .................Anger management?
CK: Yep! It's really turned his life around.
Dr. V: Is not the purpose of a twenty-foot tall engine of destruction to be angry and cause mass destruction? Really, today's events had given me that impression...
CK: Well, sure, if you're Nemesis! I like to think that MY creations have the freedom to feel however they want! Babbage is his own man, and he can find his own way through this funny little thing we call life!
Dr. V: He is not his own man! You built him, and it is a fragment of your splintered psyche that provides his motivational capability and any independant drive that he may have! He is probably a manifestation of your Id, and you are wasting his vast destructive potential by-
CK: Look, we've got other things to worry about! Focus, okay? Big tree stomping Steel Canyon? Hello?
Dr. V: As it stands, I do not believe that.... Hm? Who dares approach?
CK: Whoa! Nice limo..... I could REALLY make some good oscillators out of that....
Dr. V: Restrain yourself, my constructive colleague... as it happens, I believe that those are Crey corporate plates if my eyes do not mistake me...
::An enormous limo glides over the wrecked road, tires seemingly immune to the debris strewn around. It pulls up next to the two Archvillains, and smoothly comes to a stop. The window rolls down, revealing the spectacled face of Countess Crey::
CC: Gentlemen. Come in, we need to talk.
CK: ..........eep..
Dr. V: ..........ah... of course....
CK and Dr. V: ::Hastily clamber into the limo, which seems to be made for oversized forms::
CC: Drive, Jeeves. You know where we need to go.
Jeeves: Yas, Madame....
CC: ::Leans back against a genuine baby-seal hide seat, and lights a cigarette in a long holder. Calmly takes a few puffs while examining Doctor Vazhilok and the Clockwork King::
Dr. V: Countess, with all due respect I feel compelled to inform you that smoking is GAAAAAH!!!
CK: ::Removes his elbow from Doctor Vazhilok's solar plexus::
Dr. V: ::Grabs his chest and hunches over for a bit::
CC: Hm? Oh, don't worry about it. This is my special blend of tobacco, from a subsidiary that I own. Full of nanites that filter out anything even remotely harmful.....
Dr. V: ::cough:: Ah, I see! Ingenious! Why, the common man never need fear emphysema, or the various lung-related diseases again! This product will truly-
CC: Actually, this product line is extremely non-addictive, so we only make it for myself and a few directors of the board, The main products from that subsidiary are full of double-strength nicotene and carcinogens.
Dr. V: ...........Ah........
CK: ::Whispers:: Holy wow! That IS evil!
CC: Oh, don't look so dejected, Doctor... but let us cut to the chase, mmm?
CC: I am given to understand that you two gentlemen are the primary instigators of the holiday party, and the chaos that followed?
CK: Hey, hey! I had NOTHING to do with it! I just got called in to fix a tree............
Dr. V: You backstabbing buffoon! YOU were the one who neglected to mention that it had weapons systems!
CK: I TRIED to tell you, but you stuck me on punch duty!
Dr. V: Enough! Blame gets us nowhere! Countess, we require your assistance, that mechanical marauder of a holiday symbol must be stopped!
CC: Why?
Dr. V: Why!!? You ask why? The reason is obvious! It's rampaging through Paragon City!
CC: And?
Dr. V: It's causing untold amounts.... of...... hm.
CK: Now that you mention it....
CC: ::Smiles slightly:: And now you see.
Dr. V: I am loathe to admit it, but I am somewhat embarassed. For a few scant moments, I.... Got carried away...
CK: Yeah! We're villains, dammit!
Dr. V: Precisely! We do NOT attack large rampaging artificial conifers at the risk of our own health and resources!
CK: That's a hero thing!
CC: Ah, here we are.
::The limo pulls up next to a large office building. The sounds of a loud party can be heard within::
Dr. V: Hm? What is this?
CC: Well. Although it can't compare to the spectacle of Der Tannen-Bomb, I took the liberty of setting up a backup party. I think we managed to contact everyone on the guest list, most of them are here.
CK and Dr. V: ::Walk in a daze into the building, look around at a lavishly decorated room, complete with many drunken and loud revelers::
CK: I... Wow.
Dr. V: Curses! Would that I had such a decorating budget! And a full orchestra?
CC: Just the best I could do on short notice. Now, here....
CC: ::Calls over a waiter, and hands out glasses of wine::
CC: ::Raises her glass:: Gentlemen, ladies, your attention please!
CC: A toast, to the men who unleashed Der Tannenbaum upon Paragon City! The construction contracts alone will buy me those senators that I've had my eye on!
CK and Dr. V: ::Stand in amazed silence as the room cheers::
Terra: A toast! To the massive symbol of nature proving tearing apart this wretched civilization, and the ones who enabled it!
Grendel: Yas, a toast! Most exciting party I've been to in years! Smashing, simply smashing!
Drek: D00D TH4T W4S L33T!!!!! LOL111LOL!!!!ROFLCOPTER!!
::General cheering, and much drinking follows.... then the crowd falls silent, as Nemesis stomps forward::
Nemesis: Listen. I have something to say.
CK: Aw, crap....
Nemesis: Many years ago, I built my first weapon of mass destruction. I put my best effort into it, countless money and tons of materials constructing it. It was to be my MASTERPIECE!
Dr. V: Countess, may we prevail on you for a quick exit? This bodes of ending badly...
CC: Hm... no. This might be amusing.
Nemesis: And so, when Christmas Eve came so long ago, I stayed up late with a stein of eggnog, waiting breathlessly for the havoc that my pet project would wreak.... But what happened?
::The entire room full of archvillains lean in::
Nemesis: NOTHING! My weapon failed! I was crushed...... simply....
Nemesis: ::Pulls out a monogrammed handkerchief, and mops up the oil coming from his mask's eyes::
Nemesis: Ahem. From that point on, Christmas became a yearly reminder of my failure. My previous Holiday spirit vanished! To be replaced by cruelty and grumpiness....
Nemesis: And so it remained. Until this day!
Nemesis: ::Strides up to the podium, and grabs Doctor Vazhilok and the Clockwork King::
Dr. V: This could be bad.
CK: Uh, careful with the finish...
Nemesis: These men reactivated my failed experiment! And showed that my work was NOT in vain!
Nemesis: This was the finest Christmas present I have EVER recieved! Gentlemen, you've restored my faith in Christmas!
Nemesis: ::Gives the two of them a huge hug, and cries like a baby::
CK: Ah..... hey, it wasn't really.... uh, could you let go of me.... ::Pats Nemesis awkwardly on the back::
Dr. V: You.... you are welcome. Truly, this is what Christmas is all about...
Nemesis: ::Releases both of them, and hoists a huge stein::
Nemesis: Now, let's REALLY cut loose!
::The orchestra switches to a techno-rock adaptation of several Christmas carols, and the entire room starts dancing::
CK: Man. I did NOT expect that. The grinch has now officially gotten a bigger heart!
Dr. V: And the fact that it remains homicidal is not an issue at all. Merry evil Christmas!
CK: Merry evil Christmas, Doc!
CK: Oh, there you guys are! Where the heck have you been?
::Several cogs scamper onscreen. One of them hands a crudely wrapped present to the Clockwork King, and points at Doctor Vazhilok::
CK: Huh? This is for him? ::lifts the paper and peeks inside.::
CK: ::Recoils:: Ugh. Yeah, this is for him. Merry Christmas, Doc!
Dr. V: What have we here..... ::Unwraps the present::
Dr. V: Why... a new kidney! Somewhat damaged by alcohol, but otherwise in perfect condition! Marvellous!
Dr. V: Thank you!
CK: Ah, don't mention it. Though I'm kind of curious where you little imps got ahold of that...
Cogs: ::Look innocent::
CK: Pft, it doesn't matter. And that's the REAL lesson of Christmas, at least as far as Archvillains go!
Dr. V: Indeed! When you're evil, you can get away with anything and not care about the consequences, and STILL feel happy spending holidays celebrating with good friends!
CK: ::Sighs Happily:: Man. An unangsty Nemesis, and... ::Looks around frantically:: No Vanny! This is the best Christmas ever!
::The camera pans away, and the view switches to a grungy hotel in King's Row. Requiem is snoring in a bathtub full of ice::
Requiem: ::Snorts:: Hm, ha. Not der footsies, Miss Braun. Oooh....
Requiem: HM! Vat? Vere am I?
Requiem: A bathtub? I remember.... a Troll... Und zen... Der little machines?
Requiem: A note..... Let me see.... "Call a doctor, your......."
Requiem: VAT! MEIN KIDNEY? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
::Camera pulls back, and switches to a view of Blyde Square, with Der Tannen-Bomb climbing the large statue, while carrying Vanessa De Vore in its off hand. Police cars surround the scene, as fallen heroes teleport away to the hospital by the boatload::
VdV: Oh, where are we going now? Whee! Climb higher!
DTB: DON'T.............YOU EVER................SHUT UP?
VdV: I'm cute, that means I can talk all I want and say whatever I please.
DTB: .................THAT....................DOES NOT............COMPUTE............
VdV: ::Hums gently:: That's nice. Well, I'm bored now, so goodbye.
DTB: YOU MAY NOT LEAVE...................
VdV: Mm, I don't think so, dear. ::Teleports away::
::Coyote runs up to the base of the statue::
Coyote: Hoka-hey! You may have defeated Positron and Valkyrie, but I'll make sure their injuries are not in vain! Prepare to face my lethal Coyote Kick!
Coyote: ::Poses::
DTB: HOLIDAY...............CHEER.................POWER SOURCE.............DEPARTED......
Coyote: Hey! Come down here so I can kick you! Dammit, I knew I should've picked up those explosive shuriken...
DTB: SWITCHING TO...............DORMANT MODE...................
DTB: ::Ponderously releases his grip on the statue, and starts to fall::
Coyote: Yeah! Now all I have to do is....
Coyote: ::Watches Der Tannen-Bomb get larger as it falls straight toward him::
Coyote: It's days like this I wish I had a travel power....
::Camera pans out, and switches back to a view of the party, which is now wrapping up::
Dr. V: Countess.... I must thank you, this reception was truly enjoyable.
CC: Think nothing of it I enjoyed the part of your party that I saw while you were hosting, it was honestly the least that I could do.
CC: Although....
Dr. V: Yes?
CC: I do have a small favor to ask.
Dr. V: By all means!
CC: Your friend, the Clockwork King.... Do you know if he's.... involved with anyone?
::The camera fades to static, pausing briefly to flash a clear "MERRY CHRISTMAS, and see you next year!", before rolling the credits::
The process was more like this: