Thanks for the play and the detailed feedback. Some of the issues you had were intentional, and some were due to having no text space left in clues and dialogue boxes. Further, it was originally conceived as the first arc in a 5 arc storyline (one for every 10 levels). Although the whole set is plotted, and the second arc has been begun and gutted and rewritten twice now, every time I start working on it things going on with AE kill my enthusiasm.
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Originally Posted by PoliceWoman
Seems strange that Azuria couldn't detect the portal when it was being used to steal her vault, but she can detect a hypothetical item that created a portal after the fact -- yet she cannot find the vault itself. Could use some explanation and/or more handwaving.
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The vault being stolen happened without warning. Seers don't always know the future after all. Once stolen, they M.A.G.I. seers were actively looking for the vault and an explanation as to how it was taken. I know why they found the item but not the vault, but, no text space. 30 years of running an FRPG have left me with some strong views of how divination magic works, but it tends to make me forget that what is obvious to me and people who have played in my campaign is not obvious to others. Great point, though, so I'll try to figure out how to make that clearer without the long-winded explanation of how I see seers working.
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"Timothy Wexler" seems like a rather mundane name for a wizard... If he stole the whole MAGI vault shouldn't he have weird artifacts that he uses against the player?
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The name is intentionally mundane. Azuria explains, I think in the mission return text (if not, then in the mission dialogue for mission 2), why he doesn't have many artifacts. It's not a detailed explanation, but then it would make little sense for her to explain in detail.
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The clue "A Traitor in MAGI?" says that you overheard Wexler say he worked for MAGI, but actually his dialog mentions nothing of the sort. Would be stronger if he said something along those lines so that you actually do overhear him mention he worked for MAGI. His dialog as he gets wounded is surprisingly wimpy; perhaps this is intentional.
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Intentionally wimpy. He is supposed to give the idea that he has not seen any real combat, leaving open the question as to how he killed the Hellion boss that the patrols and Burning Mad mention.
I considered the clue as giving you more conversation you heard from Wexler than just his dialogue balloons, however, unless I'm going to add more than just that to it, you're right, I should change his unaware dialogue.
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You may want to make it a little clearer in Wexler's dialog and/or clue that he is teleported away before being captured; this is mentioned in the system text but it's very easy to miss there.
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I agree, but again hit the text limit. I'll see if I have used the end mission clue and include it there if need be.
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The scepter is described as creating portals; how does this allow the seers to locate the vault? You could perhaps mention that the scepter has scrying abilities, but then why couldn't you also use the scepter to scry on Timothy?
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Has to do with concepts of magic that would be too long, and irrelevant to the overall story, to put into the dialogue. The scepter does not scry, but since its power was used on the vault there is a connection that seers might be able to read, which they did. They could not find Timothy because it was never used on him. Sounds like I need to put in a "don't ask how, the explanation would take too long" type of handwaving into her dialogue.
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Furthermore, why didn't Timothy use the scepter to escape, instead of crushing the gem in his ring? Surely opening a portal with the scepter (which was already in his hand!) would be much easier.
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Only if he could instantly use the scepter. I probably can figure out a way for Azuria to explain that.
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If a seer located the vault and retrieved it, wouldn't the location the vault was stashed reveal something about Timothy? Like, was it under his bed? In his secret underground lair? Or what?
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The idea of how that all worked in my head did not give them the actual location, just where to focus the rod to retrieve it. This gives me an idea so maybe I will change mission 4.
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Azuria charges me to "Find Timothy and bring him", but since he just teleported away the last time we tried to arrest him, what's to stop him from doing that again? Maybe Azuria should give you something to prevent that.
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If she explains how the gem worked then that problem solves itself.
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Furthermore, the briefing says "I sense a danger I do not recognize within", then the very next line is "There is a powerful mystic aura...we think it is from one of the artifacts".
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To me it was clear the danger she senses was the physical danger (i.e. the coralax, which I chose to assume she had not run into before even though there are a few in the Hollows), not the artifact. I'll try to make that clearer.
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Send-off message: how can she sense Timothy faces grave danger when she couldn't sense Timothy was about to rob her blind?
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If she could predict every future event then she wouldn't be giving new heroes missions, she's be advising the President
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[NPC] Blood Brother Brawler: Argghhhhh! Earn, my ear is in his mouth!
I think maybe "Earn" is a name here, but it's an unusual sounding word for a name, so I'm not sure.
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Earn is a name, you should have seen them talking in the first 3 (maybe even 4) missions.
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I found the summoning stone and it repeatedly says nonsense like:
[NPC] Summoning Stone: squeesffssfssffsqueesfsfsfff
...not sure what this is supposed to mean. Just a noise?
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Yes.
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Destroying the stone ends the mission. I think the stone was one of the artifacts held by MAGI; shouldn't I have tried to recover it, not destroy it?
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I know why it needs to be destroyed, but the character has no way to know it, ergo, he wouldn't destroy it. That one was an unintentional plot hole.
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The clue "Could Azuria Be Wrong?" describes what Tim writes in his diary; it would be a stronger clue if you wrote them in the form of diary entries, so the player feels like she is reading from his diary.
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I agree, but I doubt I could get across what I need to about the diary in the text space allowed doing it that way. I will look into it though.
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...it seems weird that the diary is found in a random cave, rather than in a "normal" place for a diary to be found, like someone's bedroom or office.
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It is weird, and in fact, I believe Azuria even comments on how did he just happen to drop it there.
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If the robe wearers were sacrificed (as Azuria suggests), shouldn't there be some physical evidence, like bloodstains or corpses?
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No, but I already know how I will fix the plothole you pointed out and that will give me the opportunity to more fully explore what was done with those circle mages.
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Azuria makes a pretty huge intuitive leap to "Timothy is mind controlled but somehow is telling us via clues"; I'm afraid I don't follow why she would think this. Why would mind-controlled Timothy suddenly write diary entries when it's established he has not written in his diary for 5 years? The CoT have no reason to make him write in his diary.
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Which is exactly what you're supposed to think. Azuria is grasping at straws because she refuses to believe Timothy is not being used. I try not to write things that tell the character what they are thinking but I do point out either in the mission entrance pop-up or mission start clue that her explanation sounds dubious.
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...as it is presently written, it feels like Azuria is just telling me what she thinks is happening, without an obvious basis for why.
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Which is exactly what it is. If only we had branching dialogue so the character could do more than go along with her. That's why I included clues that, without telling the player what the character is thinking, make it clear that Azuria's "logic" may not be anything of the kind. You're not just stupidly agreeing with her, but you also have nothing better to go on to solve this.
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I pass by a Hellion who says:
[NPC] Blood Brother Slammer: Indeed. Although I shall be most grateful when our leader stops dealing with those dreadful mages!
This guy just doesn't sound like the other Hellions, being too well-spoken; not sure if this was intentional.
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Intentional. I always hear him with an English accent to boot. Just a tiny bit of comic relief.
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So suddenly Azuria wants me to go investigate some reports of Hydra, who might have killed a mystic named Alicia. This has no apparent connection with anything else in the story. What about Timothy Wexler? Azuria suddenly giving me this mission instead just doesn't make any sense.
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Azuria (or the clues at the end of the last mission) tell you WHEN Kanis will be at that location, so you can't just go out and get him right now. Azuria states that she feels you need more seasoning before facing a Circle mage.
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In the mission objectives, "4 Remains remain to find" sounds very awkward due to the repetition...
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Intentional. Although I am thinking it should say "4 Remains remain to be found".
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The Skulls in this mission have some exposition explaining that they were tricked into coming here and fighting the Hydra. (To what end? Not sure.)
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They thought they were tricked.
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It turns out this mission does have a connection to Timothy Wexler... but considering Azuria basically sent me on this (apparently) unrelated mission, this seems to be too much of a coincidence to be believable.
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The end mission popup suggests that maybe it wasn't a coincidence. She is a seer after all.
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It seems strangely convenient that she still hasn't decoded the last entry in the diary. Also, this contradicts the clue "Could Azuria be Wrong?" which explicitly says that I can read the last entry (3 days ago).
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Its not in code. You can read the diary, however, Azuria states that the diary has another message magically imprinted on it. Not those exact words, so I'll check and see if the exact wording does not make that clear and fix it if necessary.
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Timothy's dialog reveals that he did it all due to a huge crush on Azuria. This really comes out of left field; in my opinion
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and in Azuria's. The proper reaction to that revelation is supposed to be along the lines of "Wait....what?"
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Also, if he really has a crush on Azuria, why would he start the arc by robbing the MAGI vault, which would make Azuria look [more] incompetent?
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While she might get the blame, it's actually Gregor Richardson who guards the vault.
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but I think your story would be stronger if you determine Timothy's motivations (in this case, the crush on Azuria), then have his actions follow from that (try to do stuff to impress Azuria), rather than simply saying that he was crazy.
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His actions were designed to impress Azuria. That was why he took summoning devices from the vault, so he could save the day and look like a hero. That was explained in his final clue. What is not explained, intentionally, is his initial attempt to sell the vault.
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This seems a strange way to end the story, and it's left open-ended...
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Which is intentional.
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Additionally I felt the briefing for mission 4 made it sound like an irrelevant tangent, which only tied into the story out of pure coincidence; I would really recommend reworking it so that mission 4 more seamlessly follows from mission 3.
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Mission 4's real purpose was always to get a character who starts the arc at level 1 or 2 up to, or very close to, level 5 for the final mission. It has always been a weak link in the story. However, one of your comments on an earlier mission gave me a good idea to rework this and tie what I leave from it in better with the overall story.
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I also think you could benefit by writing a more definite end to the story, where the mystery is solved and the story gets some closure; right now it feels like we're left hanging.
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That's not going to change. It intentionally leaves questions which later stories will answer. While I realize that this type of writing style does not work as well on AE arcs as in my usual form of story writing, it is how I do things. If that means lower ratings, then so be it
I very much appreciate the detailed feedback. You gave me quite a few things to tweak and to take a second look at.