I'm preeeetty certain that it's just a matter of Ultra Mode being designed for certain hardware configurations and, for whatever reason, my setup just wasn't one of them.  I've attached a dxdiag with my system specs, but for those who need/want it at a glance...
Windows 7 Ultimate.
Mobo: EVGA 790i
Video Card: EVGA GTX 295
CUP : Intel Core 2 Quad 9650 @3.0 ghz
8 gb of RAM
aaaand my Monitor is actually an HDTV, and my resolution is set to 1804 x 1010 (1920 x 1080 stretches beyond the reaches of the actual TV, whose resolution by default is 1920 x 1080 :| )
But even so, NO OTHER GAME I PLAY, be it CO (Don't flame me), or even Crysis on MAX settings gives me only 6 damned FPS.  This game..  THIS SIX YEAR OLD GAME, Ultra Mode or not, should NOT cripple my beast of a system.  I currently run the game with Max settings WITHOUT Ultra Mode at about 55 fps constant.  Any idea why Ultra Mode does this?  Memory leaks?  Is it out of spite, as I have CO installed on my computer?  Has CoX become sentient and vindictive?
Edit: ...I seem to NOT be able to post attachments, either.  Well, damn.  I guess I'll be copy pasting.  FFFFF-
------------------
System Information
------------------
Time of this report: 6/21/2010, 16:07:07
       Machine name: B00B0X
   Operating System: Windows 7 Ultimate 64-bit (6.1, Build 7600) (7600.win7_gdr.100226-1909)
           Language: English (Regional Setting: English)
System Manufacturer: EVGA__
       System Model: 132-YW-E179-FTW
               BIOS: Phoenix - AwardBIOS v6.00PG
          Processor: Intel(R) Core(TM)2 Quad CPU    Q9650  @ 3.00GHz (4 CPUs), ~3.0GHz
             Memory: 8192MB RAM
Available OS Memory: 8190MB RAM
          Page File: 3473MB used, 12905MB available
        Windows Dir: C:\Windows
    DirectX Version: DirectX 11
DX Setup Parameters: Not found
   User DPI Setting: 96 DPI (100 percent)
 System DPI Setting: 120 DPI (125 percent)
    DWM DPI Scaling: Disabled
     DxDiag Version: 6.01.7600.16385 64bit Unicode
------------
DxDiag Notes
------------
      Display Tab 1: No problems found.
      Display Tab 2: No problems found.
        Sound Tab 1: No problems found.
        Sound Tab 2: No problems found.
          Input Tab: No problems found.
--------------------
DirectX Debug Levels
--------------------
Direct3D:    0/4 (retail)
DirectDraw:  0/4 (retail)
DirectInput: 0/5 (retail)
DirectMusic: 0/5 (retail)
DirectPlay:  0/9 (retail)
DirectSound: 0/5 (retail)
DirectShow:  0/6 (retail)
---------------
Display Devices
---------------
          Card name: NVIDIA GeForce GTX 295
       Manufacturer: NVIDIA
          Chip type: NVxx
           DAC type: Integrated RAMDAC
         Device Key: Enum\PCI\VEN_10DE&DEV_05E0&SUBSYS_12913842&REV_A1
     Display Memory: 4077 MB
   Dedicated Memory: 877 MB
      Shared Memory: 3199 MB
       Current Mode: 1804 x 1010 (32 bit) (60Hz)
       Monitor Name: Generic PnP Monitor
      Monitor Model: SAMSUNG
         Monitor Id: SAM02A5
        Native Mode: 1920 x 1080(p) (60.000Hz)
        Output Type: DVI
        Driver Name: nvd3dumx.dll,nvwgf2umx.dll,nvwgf2umx.dll,nvd3dum,n  vwgf2um,nvwgf2um
Driver File Version: 8.17.0011.9745 (English)
     Driver Version: 8.17.11.9745
        DDI Version: 10
       Driver Model: WDDM 1.1
  Driver Attributes: Final Retail
   Driver Date/Size: 4/3/2010 17:55:31, 11906664 bytes
        WHQL Logo'd: Yes
    WHQL Date Stamp: 
  Device Identifier: {D7B71E3E-46A0-11CF-E37D-9A321FC2C535}
          Vendor ID: 0x10DE
          Device ID: 0x05E0
          SubSys ID: 0x12913842
        Revision ID: 0x00A1
 Driver Strong Name: oem6.inf:NVIDIA_SetA_Devices.NTamd64.6.1:Section00  3:8.17.11.9745

ci\ven_10de&dev_05e0
     Rank Of Driver: 00E62001
        Video Accel: ModeMPEG2_A ModeMPEG2_C ModeVC1_C ModeWMV9_C 
   Deinterlace Caps: {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(YUY2,YUY2) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_PixelAdaptive 
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(YUY2,YUY2) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(YUY2,YUY2) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(YUY2,YUY2) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_BOBVerticalStretch 
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(UYVY,UYVY) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_PixelAdaptive 
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(UYVY,UYVY) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(UYVY,UYVY) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(UYVY,UYVY) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_BOBVerticalStretch 
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(YV12,0x32315659) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_PixelAdaptive 
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(YV12,0x32315659) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(YV12,0x32315659) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(YV12,0x32315659) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_BOBVerticalStretch 
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(NV12,0x3231564e) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_PixelAdaptive 
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(NV12,0x3231564e) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(NV12,0x3231564e) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY 
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(NV12,0x3231564e) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=VideoProcess_YUV2RGB VideoProcess_StretchX VideoProcess_StretchY DeinterlaceTech_BOBVerticalStretch 
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC1,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC1,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC1,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC1,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC2,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC2,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC2,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC2,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC3,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC3,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC3,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC3,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC4,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC4,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC4,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(IMC4,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(S340,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(S340,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(S340,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(S340,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {6CB69578-7617-4637-91E5-1C02DB810285}: Format(In/Out)=(S342,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {F9F19DA5-3B09-4B2F-9D89-C64753E3EAAB}: Format(In/Out)=(S342,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {5A54A0C9-C7EC-4BD9-8EDE-F3C75DC4393B}: Format(In/Out)=(S342,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
                     {335AA36E-7884-43A4-9C91-7F87FAF3E37E}: Format(In/Out)=(S342,UNKNOWN) Frames(Prev/Fwd/Back)=(0,0,0) Caps=
       D3D9 Overlay: Supported
            DXVA-HD: Supported
       DDraw Status: Enabled
         D3D Status: Enabled
         AGP Status: Enabled
          Card name: NVIDIA GeForce GTX 295
       Manufacturer: NVIDIA
          Chip type: NVxx
           DAC type: Integrated RAMDAC
         Device Key: Enum\PCI\VEN_10DE&DEV_05E0&SUBSYS_12913842&REV_A1
     Display Memory: 4077 MB
   Dedicated Memory: 877 MB
      Shared Memory: 3199 MB
       Current Mode: 1680 x 1050 (32 bit) (60Hz)
       Monitor Name: Generic PnP Monitor
      Monitor Model: SyncMaster
         Monitor Id: SAM027F
        Native Mode: 1680 x 1050(p) (59.883Hz)
        Output Type: DVI
        Driver Name: nvd3dumx.dll,nvwgf2umx.dll,nvwgf2umx.dll,nvd3dum,n  vwgf2um,nvwgf2um
Driver File Version: 8.17.0011.9745 (English)
     Driver Version: 8.17.11.9745
        DDI Version: 10
       Driver Model: WDDM 1.1