Aisynia

I don't know the arc.. but typically, if you're gonna do something either cliche or somewhere in the realm of the absurd that will snap someone's suspension of disbelief in half, calling attention to it in the narrative can significantly lessen the blow if you do it right. It doesn't always apply to the cliche or the absurd, but that's the most common circumstance.

And no, it doesn't have to be snarky. You're taking it way too far.

Now, I will say, I really dislike Venture (and I think he knows that), but he's usually spot on when it comes to trope usage and spotting things, so if he says you shoulda lampshaded something, then you probably should have. The thing is, it won't be at the expense of the material. If something needs to be lampshaded, then that something is already acting "at the expense of the material", and lampshading, done correctly, can alleviate that instantly.

Lampshade Hanging

If you talk to Dr. Aeon about the specific changes you want to make, chances are he will let you edit it and then re-DC it. He's cool like that. I've had to edit both of my DCs for bugs. Basically, the system in place is there to keep you from you altering the story fundamentally. If all you're doing is making some tweaks, he should be cool with it as long as he knows exactly what you're planning to do beforehand. I just wouldn't go overboard and ask to edit it all the time

This is a bug common to a lot of arcs right now. Basically, EBs and AVs will downgrade and then spawn in place of bosses. Also, they can take up all the spawns in a group, and I think this happens when the rest of the group are normal, non-custom mobs. This is even if they are set not to spawn automatically.

I had this happen to some of my arcs (including my contest winner after it was DC'd). I fixed it by removing the boss from that group entirely (since I onyl used her at one specific point anyways), and then simply using the Boss objective to manually spawn her (again, this is that I was doing anyways), and place the normal group around her. I then simply filled in the Boss Group field with the name of the normal faction, all fixed!

Sorry if I am not sounding coherent, I'm very sick and pretty tired and my mind is fuzzy.

Send a PM to Dr. Aeon here on the forums, tell him what you want to do. As long as he knows, you can edit it, tell him when you are done, and he will reinstate it.

He's done this for me twice (I have to fix The Wretch's Gift as well).

I'm the opposite.

I started a short story and now it's 144 pages long and not even close to done

"There is no need to call out to me, I am right behind you. I am also the reason there is an ice storm indoors."

Okay, I'm gonna go over the pros of this arc first, and then the cons. Sadly, the cons, while fewer, vastly drag the arc down. The issue is, that in this arc.. what's done good is really good, and what's done bad is.. really bad. I really hate to say that, it feels yucky. I'm not a know-it-all critic who is going to rip this to pieces and laugh and move on.. I just can't do that, so I'm gonna be really nice about this, and in the detailed feedback section below, I'm going to give as much constructive critiquing as I can. I feel this arc can be drastically improved, mostly through some minor tweaking.

Firstly, this mission has some unique (as far as I have played) and interesting uses of game mechanics, both in mission, and out.

For instance, the contact specifically tells you that if you want some additional intel on the situation, then you should return to her and ask. This is just plain smart use of the Return to Contact dialogue. By talking to the contact again, she will give you a good deal of additional information on the situation inside the mission, including tips regarding some secondary, optional objectives that you might not otherwise notice, objectives that can actually help you a lot. This includes, but it not limited to things like tips on how to trigger allied ambushes and assistance. If you play this, make sure to read this each time you accept a mission, it's neat to read, even if you don't take advantage of the intel itself.

Secondly, this is an arc marked with "Complex Mechanics", and it delivers. Sometimes, use of complex mechanics is overdone, not necessary, or just.. ridiculous. That is not the case here. The complex mechanics in this arc help to drive the situations inside missions, helping to create a certain flow to the action, oftentimes with completely unforeseen outcomes. The design of the objective chaining is very intelligent, to say the least. Play it to find out. The missions themselves were generally fun

The custom enemy group was well designed and balanced.. for the most part.. but the coloration I feel could stand to be more muted, as they looked like plastic (unless that is the point). This group takes the form of a group of robots constructed by Robert Veil, also known as Dark Veil.

That said, transferring into the cons, is a midway point.. the story itself isn't bad. In fact, the story has potential to be really interesting and enjoyable, with a decent sense of rising action... but the execution.. specifically the contact.. really.. really.. really drags it down. Hard.

The contact is just not well realized. Her attitude and dialogue is all over the place, and she seems to be under the assumption that your character is a large, handsome male. I'll say more in the detailed feedback section.. but I'm just gonna say she's solely responsible for knocking a star off of this arc.. and almost knocked it down to a 2 star. If you play this arc, play it for the overall story, and the very interesting and well done missions. Don't expect to like the contact.. though this is of course highly dependent on my own personal tastes and well, so remember that! I am not pretending to be the Word of God here! Just want to stress that.

The plot is fairly simple, but the way it's presented in the initial contact introduction can be difficult to follow. I had to read it two times in order to really grasp what was happening, so make sure to read carefully..

Overall, this is a potentially amazing arc with a couple of really harsh flaws that I had a hard time looking past. That said...

While actually inside the missions, I had fun! The missions are very, very well designed and a treat to play.

Three stars, with some serious room to grow. If you guys want to play an arc with some really interesting missions and objective setup that will keep you guessing and wanting more, definitely play this.


Specific feedback (spoilers, intended mostly to help the author):

When I first read the description, I thought I was going to dislike the subject matter (family vs. family). While I would never let that affect my rating, I was at least pleasantly surprised that it wasn't done in such a way that it bothered me. I just wanted to throw that out there as a heads up.

I want to be positive, so I must mention the use of objectives, again, was so damned smart. I really started to see it in mission 2, and the clever naming of the computers? I had to really pay attention (compare and contrast) in order to see the differences in their names. That's a trick I will keep in mind. your use of mechanics is what makes this arc shine, and I have to say, I was thoroughly impressed the whole way through. Just when I expected something to be straight forward, I was hit by another surprise.

That said, the ambushed on the last boss, Robert, are kind of insane. His dialogue gave me no clear indication that he was calling ambushes, and he was so squishy, that by the time I realized I was being ambushed, I had at least 2, and I think 3 ambushes on me. I barely lived. Only by corner pulling, hitting hibernate to regen and allow them to herd up, and then triple rain nuking them, did I survive. Robert himself wasn't too tough however.

Mark IV unit on the other hand, needs some real tweaking. I was on low difficulty (-1 x1, No Bosses, No AVs), so he spawned as a level 49 boss. Even as a -1 boss, he was almost too much to handle. He hit hard, but that wasn't really the issue, it was his resistance. He had some very impressive resistance. I was using ice/smash, and I don't know how his Fiery Aura stacks up against Cold damage, but I could barely scratch him. Every time I got close to Scourge levels of HP, he hit Healing Flames, which seemed to be on a decently high recharge. This was with a Freezing Rain and Ice Storm on him at all times, and two Lightning Storms shooting him constantly. I was starting to wonder if I could even beat him, when I got in a couple of high HP (relatively speaking) lucky Scourges. After that I just scourged the crap out of him, but needless to say, I avoided fighting him in the final mission. I wouldn't imagine trying to fight him as an EB, I don't think I could have won without popping a million Rages.

Minor issues include:

• Crey being stuck with Agents, which cap at 45. The robotic enemies were just crushing them.. unless that's the point.

• Susan and Minkia also use the exact same face as far as I can tell, is that intentional?

• Mission 4's map is probably larger than it needs to be.

• It seems odd that the toxin canisters in mission 3 poof when you inject them with the antidote. I think they should stay personally, as injecting a canister shouldn't make it disappear.

And now, what I believe to be the biggest issue with this arc, and that which prevents it from being a 4, and maybe even a 5.. I really, really don't like giving negative feedback, especially of this magnitude, so I am going to try my best to be constructive. I apologize ahead of time if I fail in this

The contact.

I personally feel that a strong contact character (I mean in terms of presentation) is key to getting a player involved in an arc, making the player care about what's happening, and maybe even about the contact themselves.

This can take many forms, from a philanthropist, an investigator looking to bring down a crime syndicate who shows a respect and admiration for you, a roguish but likable outlaw who's paying you for your services, or even a commanding officer who engenders a feeling of mutual respect.

The following line will not sound nice I am apologizing in advance because I can tell this is one of your personal characters that you play, or one belonging to a friend of yours, but the only way to be accurate to my personal feelings and assessment is to put it as bluntly as I possibly can. I really can't sugar coat this, so I apologize in advance.

I suppose a sassy, shallow, thieving, bipolar hoodrat who constantly spews overt and stereotypical flirtations in between trying to give you a mission briefing could in fact, be sympathetic.. but Minkia is not sympathetic. At all.

I have two theories here.

Firstly, that she isn't supposed to come off that way at all, in which case you have some serious rewriting to do (dropping all the lines displayed in pink would be a good start).

Secondly.. that she is! Now.. that alone, by itself, is not actually bad at all! I have met some sassy, shallow, thieving, bipolar hoodrats in my time, these people exist! So that's actually just fine!

The primary issue at hand is that she has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I felt no sympathy for her the entire time. She isn't in this to genuinely help a friend, she's doing it because she owes Susan. She never seems to exhibit any kind of positive feelings for the situation that might make me feel for her, or respect her. She's generally good at explaining herself and giving briefings (though, as noted above, the first mission could be explained much more clearly), but this is largely ruined by the pink text. Not only did it stick out because of the color, but it seemed to assume I was a giant, gallant male.. whom she had to constantly flirt with.

Unfortunately the way she flirts didn't make me go "Oh cool, this girl wants me, I'll do what she says, and maybe I can get in her pants!", it made me go "Ick, please don't touch me."

A contact should at the very least, make you indifferent towards them, and at best, make you like them and care about them. However, I found myself actually repulsed by her continual and unwarranted advances. What really puts the nail on this is that they were sooooo out of place. It's like she was flirting, just to flirt, and she isn't even good at flirting.

AGAIN, HOWEVER.. people like this do exist.. I have met a couple.. so that in and of itself is okay, but the flirtations seem to interrupt things, as opposed to being meshed into the contact dialogue, and again, she has no redeeming qualities, nothing that made me like her. I got my missions form her, and got away from her as quickly as I could (and the missions themselves were awesome).

This is the first time I have recommended this, and I don't take it lightly, understanding the amount of work that goes into it.. but I strongly suggest rewriting her dialogue completely, from scratch. There is MAJOR potential for this character, even as a sassy, shallow, thieving, bipolar hoodrat, to be extremely sympathetic and interesting.

Eliminating the lack of consistency in her dialogue (snapping instantly between flirting and deftly explaining a mission) and an introduction of some aspect of her that would make a player give a crap about what she has to say would go a long way to bump the rating on this arc.

I know what I said was pretty harsh, but I am trying to give you specific feedback I feel could improve it. Please don't be insulted, because that is not even remotely my intention.

I gotta say again, I am not all seeing, and I am not you, the author, so I won't pretend that I am the final word and that I know what is right for your arc more than you do.. but you did request a review, and this is my feedback.

I genuinely hope it can be of use to you, because as it stands, I think this arc has nowhere to go but up.

End spoilers.

Well guys, this arc has its strong points, and its weak points. The story itself isn't half bad, and the mission design is beyond excellent, but the contact, for me, really drags it down.

3 of 5, play it and I hope you enjoy the missions, they are a real treat.

o.o

Thank you, that's exactly what I wanted

It's called Ice Manipulation.

They will show up even if they are flagged to not auto-spawn. Worse yet, if you are set to not have AVs, they will downgrade to EBs, and then spawn anyways, taking the place of all normal enemies in a faction!

You did fine, and you will find your style and niche as you go